Kump - 75 - Kump Theft Auto

Episode Date: June 20, 2021

Ray discusses E3, Batman depression, Bitcoin mining woes, the royal baby plot, and much more. Sign up at https://www.patreon.com/RayKump for an extra episode every week! Get your "I'm A Wine Princess, Bitch!" T Shirt, available for a limited time! https://bonfire.com/store/kump/

Hello and welcome to Kump. It's been a while we are back. I am back. Lucy is not here this week. She's working on a project. I'm not going to tell you about it. It's a good project. But, you know, I'm not here to, you know, break confidence

and leak a bunch of details. You know, what if she was making Titanic back in? And I hold everyone that, you know, DeCaprio mugs an extra. And it wasn't sexual assault, but it was some kind of assault. Now, that wouldn't have been a spoiler. I was trying to make the point about spoiling the project. but I don't but what if that had happened what if Leonor DiCaprio had which I don't again I have no reason to believe I've every reason

to believe he didn't do this that there was some extra I never saw the movie so I don't know who even these extras would have been was he a guy selling hot dogs on the Titanic was that what was that Leo which I know he was a poor he was a poor boy what he went in in a poker game he was a poker poker poor boy And you go, hey, I got, I'll give it these fucking tickets to the, to the HMS Titanic. Splash the pot, because I got royal flushes all up in my grill. And the guy's like, sure, because what am I doing? I'm in the middle of a poker game.

Why won't I just take a random trip across the Atlantic in 1910 or whatever year this is? And so it happens. That's how it happens. Because Leo the Drifter. Maybe he killed someone. I mean, Leo's not a drifter, but his character is a drifter, I imagine. I don't think Leonardo DiCaprio or the man who dates models and climbs inside of bears and takes a little naps inside of bears, live bears.

Even for a film, I've never slept inside of a bear. So he's, you know, don't tell me what you're just doing for the Academy Award. It's just ask a bait. When's the last time you slopped in a, you slopped yourself up inside a bear for your job to get some kind of, you know, award. He never did it. So don't, fuck, don't judge him, all right? Don't judge my friend, Linaard DiCaprio,

because he wants to slop a bear around himself and parade himself around the Hollywood. I mean, was he during the Oscar, God damn, the Oscar, like, race, whatever, you know, in the months leading up to the Oscars, just he had someone bring him the bear, and they won't have that bear. They buried that bear, Leo.

You know, it was a live bear who was killed, kill a bear for me. And he did because why? Who, you tell him he can't get a guy to kill a bear for him? He's Leonardo DiCaprio, the crown prince of Tribeca, the man who eats sushi and shrimp all day. Models, hot models, swimming in a pool of water, but also blood, the blood of Christ. You're going to tell me he can't get, he can't get a goddamn guy to kill a bear for him. I'll kill a kid for him. They bring him, he didn't, the guy happened to be, you know,

he's a big English, and I'm not saying because he was an immigrant. He was, I mean, he's technically an immigrant, but he's from the Dutch, the Dutch Alps. And he was a great bear tracker slash child killer. He didn't understand English. And so Leonor DiCaprio, he killed a kid for him. He brought him a kid. Do you get the Oscars, all the Oscars?

And Leonardo DiCaprio says, are you out of your mind? I cannot wear this. This is a child. You killed a child. How could I possibly be seen in public wearing the skin of this child? How could it help me? And the Dutch, the Dutch Alps assassin slash hunter was paid for his time. But, you know, they got some other guy to kill a bear.

It's not that hard to do. You're going to tell me, I mean, I'd love to, I don't want to kill a bear per se, but the hunter bear, like in that movie The Edge with Alec Baldwin and Anthony Hopkins. Those two men in the woods together. What was that about? Were they having a nice liaison in the woods? Or they're a plane crash? It's probably a plane crash. Anyway, so Leonardo DiCaprio was wearing a bear pelt around Hollywood, just going to a, what's that Boa steakhouse wearing a bear pelt? Like a, just the innards of a bear. You wouldn't do that for 100,000. I mean, maybe if I offered you 100,000, but you know, you, but think about this.

what's he get for an academy war It's already rich Has sex with exquisite models Don't even kid yourself Lives in beautiful Surroundings Has all the acclaimed Didn't have an Oscar

But like so think about it A hundred grand Like you know There's a lot to you But it was you know I'm saying Like what he did that He already had all these things

So you know My point is Would you do that for five grand? That's what he was getting he was already rich you wouldn't do it with five grand where maybe you would i would i would just swim in or i mean i worked in them more you know that we all know how much time i spent wearing the hands of dead men and or women on top of a glove all right someone sent me an article tag me in an article about this about um apparently the secrets out i mean i've been talking about

this for years no one does an article about me some schmuck gets a write-up about how, hey, we put the glove. I mean, I guess it would be help if I would still have the job when I was talking about it and not like, you know what we used to do? And then some guys got to take my word for it. Like, can we photograph you? Oh, I don't work here anymore. I can't show you what I did.

I mean, that wouldn't. I mean, what journalist is going to want that story? But if there's any journal I was listening, you know, let's write a book. Let's make a book that gets, you know, optioned. Doesn't matter if it's, doesn't matter if it's like, you know, going to be a good, but, you got to sell. the option before you write the book. I don't want iTunes on this stupid computer.

Excuse me. So, yeah, so Leonor DiCaprio is in a bear suit. Why are we here? Titanic. So, yeah, I mean, what's he doing anyway? Is this guy on the Titanic for no reason? Just, and it's a guy selling hot dogs. And the guy, the guy playing that guy, this leader of DiCaprio, just,

start kicking him one day and on the set. Maybe behind the scenes. Maybe they're both doing some cocaine together. Leonor of the Capri starts kicking him. I'm just saying this is a made-up story, but it's the kind of beans I wouldn't want to be spilling. Again, it's not a spoiler, though, because the point was Lucy's not here.

I'm not going to talk about our project. So whatever. We're off to a great start. I approve this. Welcome to Kump. people some people message me saying they wanted me to talk about e3 E3 is a gaming if you don't know what it is it's like a gaming convention no is it a sales show I guess it's a sales show like the same way they used to have guys walking around

with vacuums and they come to the sales show look look what's new in the world of vacuums We're going to suck And we're going to fucking have men come to your house While your husband's at work And sell you this sucking machine I may imagine that That's what they used to do I mean the door of the vacuum sale

It's very very suggestive Hey you know how to suck Because I got a machine that does We don't even need you do we now Hey lady We don't need women to suck We got vacuums I mean the women must have just like been buying vacuums for just out of fear

I sympathize. Oh, imagine this late. Hey, can I come in for a coffee in a Danish? And I can tell you about the future, ma'am. And she's just like, okay, he's already creeped out. Ma'am, do you know how to suck up dirt off the floor? And she, I mean, I got broom, dustpan. Imagine if I had a machine, it would just do all you're sucking for you.

And she's intrigued for a moment because, like, I don't know, I suck my husband's dirty cock We got to suck anymore He's like whoa whoa whoa whoa What a mouth on you dame And then she's oh I thought this was like a Contraption that would suck off my my husband my fat husband No no it's a vacuum and he and then he's he's he's you know disturbed

She's just you know embarrassed And then she just buys a vacuum discreetly just get out of get out of here weird Because she knows themselves now her husband her husband her husband works are fucking Fucking Goldman Sachs and it's fucking you look this creep in her house if he finds out he's gonna lose this fucking shit you let that slob in my house to sell you a sucking machine i am the vice president of acquisitions at goldman sacks does it is right does do acquisitions we can't mean mergers and acquisition investment banking i'm the king of investment banking at goldman sacks and you let a fat vacuum salesman into my palace in westchester what are you thinking you broad because it's the 50s

40s and I don't know Would he hit her? I would never hit a woman Would he this character I've made up Who worked a Goldman? He works a Goldman So there's a first knock against you I don't know

I don't want to paint a picture though But I'm just saying These vacuums were bought and sold Not necessarily because they did such a good job But you know because a lot of housewives You know Accidentally got themselves into a jam Because they allowed some fat man

Into their Westchester Palace To fucking you know sell them a suck off device um and then you know but but there's conferences is the point so e3 um you know it's a video game thing it's a place where you would go to announce your new video game with a new grand theft auto which i don't think it was announced but you know imagine a situation where grand theft auto is being announced and it's like hey we got the new grand theft auto and this one you can kill a kid Oh, really?

Because, you know, yeah, yeah, we can kill a kid. Is that really, are you going to have a problem selling that in Walmart? Walmart, shit, my asshole. That's going to be Walmart, Schmormor. I realized after I did that, it might not read, but it's going to be Walmart Schmormard that they did a little, you know, improvisation on the fly, but it might not have tracked. So I wanted to make sure I wasn't just, but Walmart, shit my asshole, just plow through. That should be a new.

merch our new merch can i make a shirt this is walmart shit my asshole i mean maybe just cum shit my we might have to drop the walmart part just say shit if you would buy a shit my asshole shirt comment but also like and subscribe and all that stuff smash the like button but also comment if you would buy a shit my asshole shirt maybe with a cump shit my it might be a little risque you know i'm a wine princess bitch sold people bought it and And thanks to everyone who did. There's still a link down there. You can buy your I'm a wine princess bitch shirt.

But we might follow up with, you know, another not very, you know, effective in promoting the show kind of concept of cump, shit my asshole. Which, I mean, when someone says that, do you just think like, oh, like someone's, are you telling someone to shit into your assail? I mean, does that happen? Two people getting together, shitting to each other? I don't know. I don't want to.

I feel like this is most of it. This is probably a hack. community concept too many people have covered this already the idea of shitting into each other's assholes um anyway so i'm gonna crack this open nice uh yeah but you know and this is one we can kill a kid and you know grad of those six i guess it would be which they have not released to me but you know like they have the thing people got mad because you could like you have sex with a hooker in the car and then you pay her and then she sucks a little prick and then you kill her and you get the money back and the money's

consequential uh i always thought there's a weird thing to code into the game like if someone wants to kill a hooker don't make me i didn't do whatever you know you're hitting button sometimes things happen who knows it's a sandbox don't make a digital sandbox if you don't want people to get their fucking you know cat's shitting it um but this is where they would announce that feature that you know kill you don't kill granddad dog though you kill a kid you get a chocolate that's how it works grand zero six You know, you get little chocolates in the games If you're a good boy

If you're a bad boy, you get Broccoli, little bags of broccoli I mean, they should bring me into Grand Def Door though We'll redesign this whole concept I mean, they keep focusing on characters And like all this stuff you can do in the game Oh, it's totally immersive You can go any way you want now

You can go to fucking Beverly Hills And people do when they shoot people And it's not great. Stop convince you got to convince people You got to convince people You know, like that's the problem We got everyone going everywhere, shooting everyone. We need games to get us back, like burger time, okay?

You step on the burger bun and it falls onto the fucking tomato and that falls onto the cheese. That's your life. Give people rails to ride on, you know, training wheels, you know. Hey, this is Mario Brothers. You got a brother somewhere out there. That's who you are. That's your identity. You jump on the Gumba.

You jump on the mushroom. You get the mush. Hey, maybe one day you get a mushroom. That'd be nice, right? You don't give people all of West Hollywood to fucking shoot up and populate and play games in. This is why you have men. I mean, not because of what people think. People blame video games from the shootings because you're shooting people.

They try to play Doom. They try to play Granddaddo. It's just the idea. Stop giving people the idea they can go places. Keep them in a box. Keep me in a box. I don't leave. I stay in here.

Sometimes they go on the roof and I look at the roof and they go, look, there's a building. There's a building in the area. York City where the dome is made of gold and a certain time of day, it's just too bright. Like, whoever designed that, it's kind of obnoxious. I don't know what you, Tim would know what building that is. We should talk to Tim sometime about that. We'll follow up. But it's gold.

It's not the MetLife building. It's something. Anyway, uh, point is you got to keep people inside, you know, designated areas. And it's not about race or wealth or, or, or, you know, keep the poor people here just keep everyone from going to you know don't let people drive around the portion of the video game they're going to get ideas give them a fucking give them a tersel they still make the toyota ter sell i'm just saying people who want to have ambition are going to figure it out and people who want to do bad should are going to figure it out but just stop like

stop making me feel like i'm not nothing because i got no portion of video game you see what getting out here like stop making me feel like i got to shoot up a which i don't but that's what that's what you're saying to people anyway granted 306 you can kill a kid you get a chocolate chocolate and broccoli i'm just saying we tone it down we get the chocolate we get the broccoli you stop having to have expansion packs you stop having to have just grand devil 105 i played it when it came out what was that like 10 years ago i don't i i've not kept up with the granddad's other one one i played it in like two weeks I beat the game. I didn't cover every square inch of the map.

You know, video games love to squeat. You know, this is an idea of completionism. You know, a few years back, my friend recommended me to play the uncharted games. I just got on a PS4, PS4, but now for a while. I don't, I'm not for early adopter. You know, I'd like to get PS5.

We're going to get that later about the PS5 and what that's all about. But I would like to get a PS5 now. Oh, maybe, you know, I usually don't wait, but you can't get one. But the point is I'm playing all the understanding. uncharted games it's a game it's like indiana jones but you're a little more you kill more people and there's these collectibles in the game like why we do why are you given like this game's fun and it was

hard i played on the hard levels because i was challenged with my friend played them on the hard levels and i spent 19 hours one day on one little little what should have been a five minute sequence uh to challenge myself but that was for nothing because i didn't collect a little little digital monkey or whatever it was these little artifacts who is this for and it is people who got to complete these things the completionists and they got to collect these little devices these little hey here's a little here's a little i don't know uh a stolen tootun common figure or whatever like he's not an archaeologist is he in unchartered he's just an adventurer whatever these old things are old shit old coins like this is nothing you just having me roam around so we're going to find

It's for like, it's just making people crazy. Just give me a game where I step on a piece of cheese, and that falls onto a bun. And then the other things fall in the bun. Burger time. Bring back burger time. Make an immersive burger time. Just saying, I'm just saying,

did you want to eat three coverage? You got it. So the point is, this is still rolling, right? We're still rolling. Wow, we're rolling. We're rolling deep. Nice. All right, so you got the games coming out.

I didn't pay a ton of attention, but you have Zelda, right? You have the Zelda game coming out. They announced that. I have a Switch. I have Nintendo Switch because I had a goddamn PS4 that broke because I was buying the cyberpunk game, which I was the only person who apparently

who was able to play a cyberpunk game on the PS4. And it worked, it was bugs. It was definitely absolutely bugs. But, I mean, I enjoyed it. or they had no expectations. I'm not some fanboy who waits of baited breath. Like, what, give me a world. I'm like, the game will be the game.

If it's cheese, it's cheese. If I'm in a translucent future and I'm, you know, adding hacking equipment to my skin, that's fine too. I don't, you know, I take things as they come. I'm not going to, you know, oh, the Batman movie's coming out next year. Hope it's good. Yeah, I mean, that'd be nice. I'm not going to worry about Robert Patterson.

If he's going to have a Twilight crossover in the Batman, if he's going to start as Batman's seducing young women looking Twilight, that would be hilarious if Batman just shows. There should be a scene in a... I've only seen the first Twilight. I was watching my friend years ago. And we were just kind of, you know, as that's... It wasn't admiring. It was just kind of interesting angle of like this guy just... He's a teenager, but he's not.

He's like 400 years old or whatever. He's just spitting game on, like, high school girl. but like and she's getting old gushy right you know and it's like I mean it's creep is whatever I'm saying it's the skill but what if Batman and now it's bat and now he's Batman he's still doing that and he's in a high school classroom just spitting game in high school who are you and he just kills the teacher with a bad batterang yeah I'm just saying you know Robert passes a good actor he has range but why not you know go back

into the toolbox or you know into the you know don't don't just disavow all the things you know just because you arrange. Sorry, to get my beak wet. So, Zelda, people are excited about the new Breath of the Wild video game, right? If you're not a gamer, it's the one that came out in 2017 for the switch. And, yeah, the switch is all I have. I think I only have that thought because I hooked up the goddamn Internet table while I was downloading the cyberpunk game because usually I buy the 50.

physical game but this time like screw it on the whim and then I had that hooked up and then the ethernet cable was like hooked up across the room and then later on after I played the game I think even before like a few times the cable knocked the thing over and then eventually stopped working but I beat the game at that point so now I have a switch and I'm excited about the new Zelda game is a sandbox game there you can do everything except a stand-in-a-handburger but you can fly in the glider you know you're the you're the king link you're you're the you're a little warrior boy and people are uh they seem to want to play as the princess zelda now if you haven't played you know it's called the legend of zelda but you're playing the character

called link this is how it works and it's fun they're great games i mean you know you could do a lot worse uh and they're going they're looking at picks the pixel peeping or if you want to call it they're looking at the picture of link going well his hair seems a little longer than they used to and i don't know if they commented on his hips but maybe that's actually zelda Maybe we can play as Zelda. I don't know why you want to play as Zelda. Play as a woman. Like, you shouldn't want to play.

Like, she wasn't made as a playable character. She's a princess. No one should like princesses. I mean, they're awful people. Megan Markle, we'll talk more about her later. But, you know, I'm just reading today. She apparently Prince William kicked him out of the Kensington Palace because she was just screaming at women,

screaming at all the women. You want to play as her. I'm just saying you got to save somebody. What is Zelda going to save Link? I mean, why? Think about it. Why would the princess save Link? He's just a guy.

I mean, why would a princess do anything? I mean, it's kind of the nature of just, you know, economics. People, you know, people, a lot of people, I'm not going to, it seems to be a very touchy subject with the whole pandemic. Some people are insinuating that the stimulus change. have made people less willing to work uh people counter argue about you should pay people living wage and it's like yeah these people don't want to work and i think they're all full of shit to a certain extent pay people more of course but you know look anytime you see a bunch of people yelling about something online shut just stop it's like oh logan paul is going to be the emperor and uh you know

harry styles killed somebody like none of it's real it's all burger talking It's all on rails. But the rails, like, if you're going to live your life on rails and we're going to have a pandemic passport, fine, but then stop getting mad. That's all I'm saying. Anyway, so. So, I don't know. You want some world where, like, the Queen of England goes and saves, like, you know, like George Orwell, back when he was in the shoot an elephant essay, like, you know, just some German soldier, or British soldier. you want the queen's saving peasants like singular peasants not like hey we're going to stop the battle

of the psalm no no i'm going to go rescue someone that can't be the case and you go well what if link maybe you'd argue well link's not going to be saved here well then what'd be doing why is link not here why can't we just get a wrong game for zelda why i mean i don't care it was a matter of what's a matter of link is here this is way i don't know what why is any game a game why do i why is Super Mario Odyssey, still got this Italian plumber. Just make that with a carrot. Make a carrot rock around jumping on Gumbas. People like to play the guy or woman they used to play.

Samis Saran is a woman, right? I mean, she's in a robot suit. No one knew she was a woman with the first game. It was at the end if you beat it. And then she's in like a fucking leotard and it's like, yeah, this bitch is fucking, who she doesn't do it like a workout video because she killed the mother brain. I'm just saying that's also a new game that's coming out. 2D Metroid.

I'm actually excited about that. People are, you know, less likely to know about it. It's a less popular game than Zelda. And, but it inspired a whole genre, the Metroidvania is that in Castlevania. We explore around. I mean, I am, of course, partial to it because of the gun hand thing. Samus Iran basically has a gun hand, just a cannon. And you pick up different things.

it's not just a gun hand. Now it's a grappling hook, gun hand. I mean, it is always gunning. Because it's not just a grappling hook. I feel like it's a grappling hook. I feel like it's a grappling hook.

You know, laser gun hand. I mean, there's all sorts of gun hands. And it's nice. And she's a woman, and she's a badass. And it's explicitly here to the top of the woman in the universe.

So like, you don't need to play as up. Play as Sammis or Rand. Play as, you know, Caitlin Jenner in the game. Have Caitlin Jenner just be, have Caitlin Jenner just be, have, have Caitlin

in gender Mario Kart racing where, you know, she's just like, you're playing Mario Kart, and she's just careening into you every five seconds. You know, you're waiting, you're waiting for the green lights, so you can, red lights, whatever, so you can start. And then she just

careens into the side of you while she's texting. That could be fun. You know, the gender, you know, it's, you have a woman, you have a man, gay man, gay woman, straight man, straight woman, trans, non-binary, and everyone's getting crashed into by Caitlin Jenner, it's fine.

Do that. I mean, but the Metro game looks good. It's like 2D. Not everything's got to be 3D. I mean, look, I played Metroid Prime back in the day on GameCube, play 7 in the second one, then I didn't play it through the matter. Point is the 2D shit's where it's at sometimes.

I like 2D games. I'm not some retro Brooklyn guy who has to play every indie games. I only play indie games. You know, sometimes Granddad is fun. Sometimes, you know, Red Dead Redemption is fun. not every i mean i love hollow night i love the owl boy i love uh what else is good uh there's other ones you know um blood stained ritual the night these are fun games that wasn't an indie one though but it's kind of indie point is cup heads fine stop but i'm trying to pretend like you know

studios to do crunch and like make their you know employees work for 5 000 hours a day they did it for a reason i mean it might i'm saying the game it works the games are good like yeah i'm sorry i'm are you sure you shouldn't support it you shouldn't need a bear move on i don't support i'm for the employees but don't don't try to take everything away from everyone that's what i'm saying but i can't get a ps5 you can't get a ps5 you can't get them uh you might want to upgrade you can't uh you got to go these these websites like first of all why isn't like the industry have a website like this things like tom's guide or some shit like i wasn't this guy tom tell me how i can't

can, like, wait on lines to get a PS5, and now it's graphics cards. I mean, I haven't been to PC gamers since I played, like, those old Star Trek games, Rebel Alliance, or, it was Star Trek. I mean, that's a Star Wars name, but there was some Star Trek game called Rebel Universe or some shit that I played, and it was no movement. It was just still pictures. Anyway, but I'm not a PC gamer at the moment. I might one day get one.

They cost thousands of dollars, I mean, to do right. You tell me if I'm wrong here. But the point is he can't even. even do that. You can't even get that because these cards are not available. These PS5s are not available. And a lot of it, I think it's going to sound like I'm the anti-Bitcoin boy, but a lot of it is because of the Bitcoin apparently. I'm shocked about this. I didn't know because apparently they're using these high-end graphics cards to mine Bitcoin. I knew Bitcoin mining was a thing, but I didn't realize it was a graphics intensive process. Why is it graphics

intensive. Are you, are you, do you have, I didn't realize big, part of Bitcoin and the blockchain was like, now draw a picture of a piece of cheese. Now draw, now, now, now make a 3D model of your mother's house or whatever. I was going to say cunt, but I didn't want to. But, I mean, look, I took a sting out of it by, I don't like said it, but I mean, I'm, I think the sting out of it. Point is, I didn't realize that was part of the gimmick was like images or graphics. Are there just guys playing Dune? 2016 off of my graphics card

if I'm mining Bitcoin is that how it works? Is the blockchain just a way to like have six kids in like Duluth, Michigan like you know not have to pay for a better computer because they're just, you know,

buying all these, I mean, I don't know. I mean, why is they need to be graphics involved? How is this better than money? How is it, how is a bunch of people taking products people want to buy

for the purpose they're made to be used for some, all the horse shit better than money this is not better than money oh it's like digital gold like no i mean like i don't think it is i don't think i mean gold's not gold gold is something people want i don't know why i don't cover myself in gold but you know see low green did see low green didn't cover himself in bitcoin nor could he um remember that with the gold anyway i'm just saying you know There seems to be When people want to spend money

And they just make you feel bad for not getting in on it That was one thing But now you're gonna now you're gonna give me a hard time I can't get a PS5 for my girlfriend Or my nephew or my dying child What if my dying child wants to play Miles Morales Spider-Man But he can't because you had to make a new money

Think about that It's called the PlayStation not the hedge against inflation station. You're fine. This is what people are going to lose their minds. In the middle of the pandemic, and people can't even get a goddamn gaming system because you have to make 3D images of bikinis.

You know, girls playing volleyball and bikinis, whatever these video games are, these Japanese video games I see, or maybe they're American. I don't know. Extreme girls in volleyball bikini games. And they're being played to mind Bitcoin. Bitcoin. Is that Takashi 3.0 where his name is? The guy who makes Bitcoin. Is that an idea?

We're going to make a big. We're going to make a bunch of girls playing bikini games and that's going to be money. Doesn't make any sense. Stop. Just let me buy a PS5. So all I want is to be able to play a couple games that I have. I want to play. I still have, I mean, I'll play the Last of Us again. I want to play somebody on Charter. I wanted to play maybe some of the Batman games are on PS4 And I don't want to have to buy a PS4 right now Because there's still $300 I might as well to spend $500 to get the PS5

Why am I gonna, because I broke it Trying to play cyberpunk So why am I gonna have to buy a PS4 again So six months later I'm gonna buy a PS5 It doesn't make any sense I just want to I want a break I want a single break

this whole video game thing and i got i got to go with some lower myself to be on some fucking website going make sure you go to walmart and sign up for walmart's account and then you log in and give me your credit card info so when you try to buy a p s5 or this designated hours like i'm done i can't do this i can't stand people trying to tell me how i buy things it makes me enraged like here's how you get a new this hype piece like you got to show up of this street and jerk off into a cup and then you get a pair of sneakers it's like how is this how is this the thing how is this like uh how do you feel i mean isn't the point of culture like that to feel kind of a reverent to feel kind of like you're getting over on the old hey you're old

fucked you can't you you think we follow your rules you think we wear your floor shime shoes you gobb and sacks banker dad bought you or your penny loafers with the pennies in them No, we were, we were some Nikes that were designed by our artists. We're cool guys. And we show up behind a, you know, a shopping, a strip mall in Pasadena, 2 a.m. on a Wednesday night to get our hands on it. It just seems like, you know, oh, it just feels like, it doesn't feel irreverent. It feels like we're just, I don't even know what. I need to get a sip of soda.

I don't want to have to, like, go out of my way to buy something. You know, you go on eBay, it's there, but I don't want to, I'll, I'll, I'll, I can buy a PS5 right now for, like, what, $1,200, something like that. Maybe, why would that bad? I don't want to play my, my own Morales that bad. I don't care. It's like, it's the same Spider-Man game that came out. I want to play the Spider-Man game. I could have had my PS-4, but that broke.

And you're telling me, I've spent $300 to play the Spider-Man. Spider-Man game, uh, when I could just buy the PS-5, played the one with Milo Morales or whatever, you know, the young black Spider-Man that was everyone loves. I like Milo Morales, Miles Morales. I like Miles Morales. I mean, a lot of Marvel comics, the new characters, the girl Iron Man or whatever, and the Shane Foster, though, I didn't know. They don't seem that great.

Uh, but the Miles Morales is cool. Good for him. Give him a game. I want to play that game. or the other one. Someone give me a PS4. I wanted to worry about this. I'll wait patiently for the PS5.

I want to swing around like a spider boy. You know? It's just, it seems like it would be a cathartic thing for me right now. I'd like some goddamn catharsis. Why can I have catarsis? But, uh, but yeah. So, you know, uh, but the Bitcoin to go back up. I mean, I think last time I checked, there was 40.

I mean, it didn't plummet further than the initial plummet, but, you know, that's fine. AMC's up. I had AMC. I got rid of it after I lost money because who would think to keep it? Some people did. But, I mean, what is this? Why? Now I got to feel like an asshole because I didn't Wall Street bet.

People getting smug with me. It's like, yeah, let's see how you do once the recession happens. Let's see what Wall Street bets does be. I mean, good for you, I'm happy for you. But don't get to me like, you're not. some financial expert because you made a little money on Wall Street bets, all right? Just don't get cocky with me. Let's see who's selling their baby first.

I'm just, wait till the fucking collapse. It ain't that far away, probably. I'm not, I'm not asking for it, but it probably ain't that far away. I mean, the inflation thing, who knows? I mean, I think I have to lower the, they're going to have to raise interest rates to counteract the inflation, even though it's probably temporary price. It's like actual price inflation, not just monetary inflation because you got to goddamn shortages from COVID and then they get the Panama Canal thing and then all sorts of

supply chain issues and then you know there's a glut of uh suburban housing expansion whatever they're doing there it's like you know some of it's like legit short-term shit and some of us not are they going to start raising the interest rates because of that and that's going to start you know have a cascading effect because you know when it starts raising the interest rates then it's going to put a you know some somewhat of a crunch on some of the investment equity maybe Maybe. Maybe that, maybe, look, these things don't have huge fundamentals, these economies. And a lot of times, you know, you have a lot of malinvestment, whatever you want to call it. You have a lot of shit going on for years.

It's the thing that knocks you over. Could this be the thing that knocks you over? Yeah, maybe. I'm not the guy trying to time everything to get everything exactly wrong. Who knows? Possibly. It's possibly the case. Quote that, quote that with a.

you know, comp shows. They're possibly a recession sometime at some point. This is, uh, I've been buying Batman's when I'm depressed, which is always, whatever, the counteract general depression. I've been buying Batman's.

Can you see? Yes, you can see the Batman. Uh, so I thought I would like, you know, every, uh,

episode, maybe bring up a new Batman and explain him. Uh, I got into, if you listen to the show, you know, I've gotten into Batman comics as of late. There's a lot of different fun stuff with the comics.

It's a way, everyone's got, I need a hobby. Right now, my hobby is reading Batman comics. I mean, technically this is, I mean, whatever, this is a vocation. The podcast is a vocation. The butcher shop is my job. And one of my hobbies now, besides mutants, the Batman back there, there's another Batman, is to read Batman comics and to enjoy everything about Batman

with these Batman figures, which are real, life manifestations. It comforts me temporarily. Am I breaking down emotionally? Who knows? Maybe I'm going to be dead in the year. What could I tell you? But right now I have a Batman.

This is the Flashpoint Batman. You notice he has guns. Batman's not very famous for using guns. This is an interesting Batman because it comes from the Flashpoint crossover event, which was when Flash went back in time, really. fast by running really fast and he saves his mother who's famously dead but that has cascading effects on the future and a lot of things change because of that and i watched a flashpoint cartoon and i didn't read the comic yet i will read the comic it seems like it might be better and uh

the batman in that universe who he runs into is actually not bruce wane he's thomas wane uh and he is uh batman's father because batman's father parents were famously killed in an alley way by Joe Chill, the mugger, the mugger, extraordinary. In the Batman Tim Burton movies, seem like the Joker killed him, but no, in the comics, it's a man named Joe Chill. And, uh, but in this version, uh, I think the mother, and definitely the son were killed. Bruce was killed. So somehow his father, who's a doctor still became Batman, but he's like a bad Batman.

He runs a casino and he has guns and he shoots people. And he, but, you know, but he's got a little beard and, uh, his suits, basically, He came up with the same suit, but he's got these cool straps around his legs. Kind of sexy, kind of like Laura Croft Tomb Raider. He's got little red eyes. I like him. I think he's a cool, cool Batman. He'll shoot you.

He ain't like his son. His son's like, I'd rather, Batman famously says, The Joker would kill a thousand children to ever stop him. But this Batman would definitely shoot the Joker. So, uh, that's a guy. That's this week's Batman. That could be a simple. Maybe it'll make a little jingle.

Like, you know, Batman figures. Fat man got him. Fat man's got a Batman. I mean, am I encroaching Kevin Smith now? I think he has a fat man in the Batman and whatever. But my song was better. I wasn't stealing from Kevin. I haven't been to Kevin Smith tents and small rats, really.

But, like, Dogman was fun. Whatever. Yeah, I'm not trying to cancel Kevin Smith. is someone singing the goddamn hallway singing the goddamn hallway these people are out of their minds I don't know who is is there the seamless people

that just sing all day or the people I live with they all think they're singers like you're not a singer you're here I live in I live in the same hallway you can't be you're not Harry Styles you live near me

this is not success um anyway we'll move on It's Batman. It's fun. I'd like to prominently feature this Coke can. Because apparently Christiane Rinaldo, I was reading an article. Christian Rinaldo was sitting at a press conference, and they had Coke and waiting for him. And he sat down, he took him, and he fucking got.

He's a soccer, is a football player, soccer player. And he moves the Coke can. And he says, I think he's, I don't want to get racist, but I think he's. said it in spas he said like agua which means water of course uh why would that be racist i think is what he said i think it said that he said i drink uh lecheagua and they were all like no this is this is our partner cold is our partner they were i mean no one's giving you a can of coat i mean no one's playing at wimbledon being handed a coke i mean but i guess he feels like he's made enough money so that he doesn't have to promote something he thinks is unhealthy

that he thinks is maybe poisoning children making them full of fat kids Maybe he was on his way to the stadium The Estadio Coca-Cola was probably called It's probably a Coca-Cola or Estadio I don't even know It's not the World Cup, right?

That's not this year. Some soccer thing. I don't follow soccer But he's like, I'm taking blood money, diabetic blood money for these fat children What's wrong with that? There's a little diacoctin. I just enjoy, if he was listening, not watching, I just took a sip of Diet Coke.

And I got to tell you, I enjoyed it. So I don't know what Christiana Ronaldo's beef is. But I'm telling you, I don't know why Coca-Cola is not reaching out to me. I've been drinking two liters of your soda on my platform for years now. And you keep, you're like one of those girls who wants to fuck the hot guy who brands you with a branding iron. and then you go, why am I getting branded? All I want is a really hot guy. Well, I'm telling you that hot guys do that.

They brand your back while they're fucking you in the ass and you keep letting them do it. And that's what Cole was doing. They're letting Christian Ronaldo embarrass him. Just give me, put me in, coach. Here we go. Give me a check. Let me, give me financial freedom

to create this show more effectively and give your brand tentacles into my audience. This is called corporate synergy And you just keep going back To Chris Giannoldo So you can fuck you in the ass And brand you in the back Um

And like a little cuck boy I'll be here waiting When you want to give me money I'm not making a stand I'm not gonna pull some kind of shit Where I'm like Waving a knife around going Coat Coal is your last chance

You better give me that money Or I'm gonna stop drinking coke And stab myself in the stomach No Maybe I mean Can someone get me a corporate lawyer? Does anyone hear a corporate lawyer? I can reach out to who might, you know, have a,

you know, like, is that an effective strategy? If I stabbed myself in the stomach, perhaps. I know it was like WTO farmers who stabbed themselves in the stomach or the heart. If the guy who stabbed himself to the heart, the World Trade Organization meeting, I think was Seattle, who knows? Did that stop anything?

Did that stop? and after? I don't think it did. So I don't think me stab myself in the stomach going Coca-Cola, help me. I don't know. I don't know. Speaking of athletes, there is a story about a, let me look this up because I had the new story. I don't want to get some of the facts correct. Let's see. Comic books. Open it up. I don't need comic books right now. iPad. Why is my iPad? not smarter. I need my news.

Top story. That's the, well, there's a wonderful picture of the princess, what's her name? Not Megan, the other one. She's so happy looking. History, there we go. And then I need to find a story about the burritos. Soccer player and the burritos. Where are you? Where are you, soccer woman? Come on. This is why I have an iPad and stop. working i need someone to do i need someone to pull these things up for me it's this there we go shelby hoolahan ban her name shelby hoolahan that's a fun name she uh on tuesday runner shelby hulahan announced that she had been banned for four years after testing positive

for a steroid called nandrolone who names these things nandrolone andrew like Lando Calrissian Nando. Anyway. She claims to her from a pork burrito. She ate at a food stand. A defense other athletes have used as well. I mean, first of all, if they're not telling the truth,

this is the laziest fucking... I mean, don't they give cows fucking steroids? I'm always hearing about pork steroids. I mean, did they give pork steroids? I mean, I guess... Who knows? But she claims... Where was she?

She does some food... I mean, if you're trying to be a world athlete, like LeBron James isn't eating pork burritos. Believe me, if he was, I would be out there trying to poison them. I mean, not poison, but give him diarrhea. I would love to be. So apparently, they're claiming that this burrito gave this woman,

enough to trigger a steroid test. I would love to be out there just giving people food poisoning. I mean, look, I'm just saying if you're a real fan of sports, If you're a real fan of LeBron James, for instance, and he got Kevin Durant in the Nets, and they're playing, why not? I mean, I should actually start out a business where, like, for a certain amount of money,

and I make myself known to GMs, you know, general managers of sports teams. I think, you know, my company is called Razor burritos. These athletes, you might not realize that you think they're eating protein shakes and Mederex baris. and all sorts of, you know, advanced metric food. They love burritos. They eat a pork burrito, no problem.

And that's how we get in. And for a certain amount of money, you hire me, a couple hundred grand. You know, not for a regular season game, you know, where LeBron's trying to play the nuggets. You know, I'm talking about, like, the Western Conference semifinals. Game five. You know, the Lakers are up three, two. but you know the who would they be playing the suns could come back and I show up and I put my

burrito stand and you get me in you let you write in the way he gets off the bus they come in the bus or his SUV wherever they park in the underground thing I just have a random burrito stand and I'm sitting there with burritos that are caked in human shit I mean not cake not the outside but the inside of me we get a bunch of fat kids maybe fat adults We don't want to get kids involved. We're making LeBron James eat, like, minors shits. Keep it all above the belt and above the age, all right? And we get a situation where I'm cooking it up,

but I got the nice carnitas, burritos, I think that's pork still, right? Carnitas, carnitas, maybe some, maybe some chorizo, whatever. We'll get a few varieties. Maybe LeBron James is allergic to chicken. Who knows? Well, that's not chicken when I mentioned, but, you know, who's allergic to chorizo can you be who knows so we got the we got the carnitas we got the bistek

I mean I don't know you might be in the middle of the country and all you know is about you know Mexican food or whatever the fuck is Taco Bell but there's beast tech there's chorizo there is um chichara how you pronounce it that chikikar pork pork there's all sorts of different meats

I'm going to have all of them and they're all going to be caked and shit stewing in their own juices and I got LeBron's number. They're going to have, we're going to have pheromones. We're going to have a pumping, just salty smells into his SUV. And so he comes out and is like, hey, LeBron James, what am I working for LeBron James? So who am I trying to get Chris Paul? Chris Paul, who's famously right now, they just swept, they swept the Western Conference semifinals.

And now he's in the COVID protocols. And he might not make it back for the first few games. Western Conference Finals, and look how that's hurting them, right? A couple games out, and, like, you know, the Clippers have won their series, and so, you know, you have two games without Chris Paul that could really hurt their series. What do you do next year when there's no fucking COVID? What are you going to do? You need me giving people pork with shit.

It's going to, I mean, is that not, they'll spend like a, they'll spend a million dollars with some guy who barely makes a basket. You get me. I'll knock their best player out. I'll give him a free burrito. This is like a win-win. I don't know why people don't... Coca-Cola could hire me.

The Los Angeles Lakers could hire me. The U.S. Army could hire me. I have all these skills, and no one wants to let me get in the game. I'll give people a burrito. They're going to shit for two days. Because it's just, you know, you eat shit, you shit. That's how it works. You eat shit, you got a shit.

You know what, you know, LeBron James, For the million dollars a year in his body If I made him eat human shit His body wouldn't just be strong enough to take it I don't think I think he still have to get sick And his body would expel it He might get sick quicker Because his body's actually effective

At stopping things And they're going to hold up This doesn't belong anywhere near our intestines Get it out of here And he's gonna shit He'll shit his pants possibly Strongest man in the world Or whatever he is

But he might shit his pants Because that's how quickly his body Will reject the human shit in my burritos but still even if he's not you know even if it's Chris Paul I'm sure he'll still get sick and you and you I could make you win games I get you the trophies all the kisses and the hugs and you won't let me do it let me get in here let me maybe I'll make a fucking a big hero sandwich a Philly cheese steak thing why doesn't people why don't they just bring Philly cheese steaks put them in the locker room in the 76ers games right

the 76ers are from Philadelphia why don't they get it? Philly cheese steaks, put them in the visiting team's locker room, and then, look, I mean, honestly, it might make them shit anyway, and then, but especially if you put some shit in the goddamn cheese steak. I mean, that would be cutting me out of the equation. I'll sue you if you do that. This is my business, right? That would be, you'd be stealing money from my children and taking food out of their mouths

if you just start doing that. I want my goddamn piece of the pie, but I'm still, regardless, I'm perplexed why you don't do that. Why don't you give them a box of candy with shit on it? Just use... Everyone's got shit. You know, that's the thing. That's the great equalizer.

I think people like guns are the great equalizer. Everyone has shit. If you have food, you have shit. So why, I mean, in middle ages, why weren't people just pouring shit in each other's mouths? I mean, they were sometimes. And doctors probably, that was... They thought that was surgery.

Like, oh, actually, if we give you human shit has a lot of nutrients in it and we'll give your baby shit as soon as it's born. People talk about the infant mortality rate, you know, before 20th century or whatever, you know, and, like, you know, all the advances in Western medicine. Maybe they just stop feeding children shit because they realize that there might be vitamins in it, but it's outweighed by the fact that's poison. Just, I mean, maybe.

I get, I go to medical school if I studied medical history, not as much as I should for this purpose. I don't care. Everyone likes to tout the medical advancements. In the Western world, no one thinks maybe they're just feeding people shit. This is a tried and true method, is my point. I don't know why we can't just let me do things. Anyway. So I hope Shelby Hulahan wish her the best.

I think she's probably a great runner. I'm sorry. I mean, I'd love to interview her. Can we get her on the podcast? Someone comment. Comment if you want Shelby Hulahan. If you know Shelby Hulahan, if you know Shelby Hulahan, if you can get it, Shelby Hoolahann,

I would love to just find out that burrito, look, she's not going to, is it worth it? No, but how good was it? Like, let's just say the burrito cost her a day of training. I'd like to ask her if it was worth it and that, like, was it good, right? Like, it was really good.

I want her to admit that burrito was like, because if it was human shit, you know, actually, in this case, steroids. I wouldn't the steroids make it better. I'd like to know what she thought of is my point. I'd like to know what she thinks. is a burrito that made her cost her four years of running i'd love to know uh let's see what's

going on um so the debate i mean it's been a while maybe i'm late on this but uh they had the baby right lily bet the began markle and the and the and the prince of the prince of thieves prince prince harry uh had their baby called lily bet which is a it's some fact fucking turn of some nickname as the Queen Elizabeth had or whatever the fuck and stealing it from her and they had this baby and it dawned on me because they called it like

a Royal American Royal Baby and first of all I won't give credit because some lawyer or something got in trouble because he called the he called he said the baby's name should be doper like Oprah but Oprah I thought it was very funny but but yeah

I mean, so the royal family, a couple, you know, who famously, like, what is Prince Harry doing that he needs security? What, like, is he pay, who is he paying to guard his family? He can't stop bringing up, like, assassins are trying to kill his family. That, like, maybe bring him to Oklahoma. Maybe bring him out in the woods. Don't parade them around, you know, Rodeo drive. And then wonder why people are trying to get pictures of Lily Bett and Markle.

whatever um but they named a little bit after the elizabeth this is some kind of you know long con perhaps this might be a um a ploy to get uh what's the word i like like to reunite the united kingdom america and uh britain was britain it was britain back then right i'm just saying like Look, am I ruling out the idea that they're trying to get something? Because, like, look, Megan Markle can be president, but she wasn't born into that family, right? She's not part of the royal bloodline. So it wouldn't be as big a coup. I'm not saying Mega Markle couldn't be loyal to the Queen of England, but it's just not the same thing.

But this Lilybet character, I mean, she's asked to be an American, is she an American citizen? It would seem like it, right? So she could become the president of the United States. is there a rule against foreign I mean there maybe should be because that was a thing back especially when the Constitution was made there was definitely something

that was happening at the time happened before that I mean Ferdinand and Isabella who sent Columbus on his way they were Habsburgs or something there's look there's there's connections between wasn't like the Russian royal family connected to all these families like the royal families of all these were all interconnected

right so it's not their question so they would have thought of it they would have thought like maybe we should fucking you know keep have a rule saying if you're if you if you're the son of a duke or son of a king and yeah even if you are an american citizen somehow born here you can't do that uh i don't know and it might not be in which case lily bet uh windsor is that her name lily bet windsor is going to be you know next president one day and then what was you're going to start we're going to start treating you know britain like you know like their uh allies again i know i know we have a special relationship we're allies but like i mean honestly it's like you know they're

they're going to try and get it back they're going to try to get america back from us and not all of it was even theirs i mean wasn't the south like wasn't it was the french right louisiana purchase if they try to look if they look at something if they've been managed to maneuver to get their chunk of america back good on them i guess i'm not going to put up a fight forever i'll be don't fight them but you know but we're not giving them the whole country. Worst case scenario, we give them the East Coast, right? We're not, I mean, we're not going to give them Louisiana.

That wasn't theirs. That was the French. And then the West wasn't theirs. Why are we giving Britain back out? But that is their game. That's the point of this baby. They probably didn't even have sex to make that baby because they knew they did, I mean, it could have,

but they didn't want to because it was too important. So they just put, I mean, whatever. Maybe they're like, I don't want a disgrace to the name of a little bet. Maybe she was born out of sex. That's fine. I'm not trying to conceive that as sex. That's not the thing to dwell on here. The point is I'm not saying watcher.

I'm not trying to encourage anyone to get, you know, to get tabloid pictures of the baby. But, you know, I'm just saying in 30 years, if we're sitting here going, geez, how do you fuck? Does anyone see this coming? We're England now. New York is part of England. Don't tell me I didn't warn you.

I did. I'm the guy saying this is like a plot. You were worried about vaccines back then. That's why I didn't notice. But I happened to, you know, be an expert in the royal family to a certain extent. So I made this known and no one listened to me. And Coca-Cola wouldn't listen to me and let me promote their brand. And, you know, LeBron James didn't listen to me.

He could have had two more, you know, world titles and didn't have them. No one listened to me. No one listens to a comp. I don't understand. like you know get put me in give comp a chance it's comp time so thanks so much uh could be wrong i want to be i want to help i'm wrong i'd love to be like here's my prediction for the world that's awful and it's terrible and i hope i'm not wrong that would be that should anyway so thanks for tuning in uh don't forget you know we get the patreon uh we're gonna we're gonna we're

ramp that back we had a little bit of a logistical issue with the show for a couple weeks but we're back in so you can sign up to the page we're going to come back with more and more episodes we're going to make up for you know some lost time it's going to be great it's coming soon very soon uh by time you listen to this it might be out of ready you know the patron new patreon who knows we're operating quickly uh follow me on twitter instagram at raycom follow lucy uh at lucy rohan lucy underscore rohan uh I'll see you guys on the main feed next week. And on the Patreon very soon, you might have already seen you. Who knows? So have a great week.