Kump - 84 - Kumplumbus Day

Episode Date: October 12, 2021

Ray and Lucie discuss Christopher Columbus, kidney transplants, and much more! Sign up at https://www.patreon.com/RayKump for an extra episode every week! Get your "I'm A Wine Princess, Bitch!" T Shirt, available for a limited time! https://bonfire.com/store/kump/

Hello and welcome to Kump. Hello. We're back. We're back on the main feed. We did Patreon before, but now we're back on the main feed. maybe it's been a while yeah how long i don't know i'll get excited i'm excited yeah yeah yeah come uh welcome we've you know we've been uh things have been happening all right you know i'm sorry i can't go into every you know illicit uh deal i do every uh you know i'm

behind the scenes i'm producing i'm creating content of a different sort I'm not dealing drugs. I'm not killing women. That's rumors about it on Facebook about that. Me specifically. Yeah, people think I've killed you. I'll never kill you. Never.

You'll never die. How was your week, two weeks, whatever it's been? How you doing, Luce? People want to know how you doing. It's been good. Good. We had a great Columbus day. I mean...

Well, today is Columbus. Today is Columbus Day. I prefer to call it Indigenous People's Day because I care. And I don't want to support a butcher like Columbus. He's an Italian-American hero. The Italian-Americans are known for their music sometimes, for their chicken catchetory, and for murder. Murder most foul.

I mean Christopher Columbus Did he start the mafia That we don't know and love so much From the Many Saints of Newark Is the Many Saints of Newark An allegory for Christopher Columbus The Butcher

I'm asking you We watch Many Saints of Newark It didn't seem to make any sense Maybe because we weren't thinking about it In the paradigm of it being about a guy who came and just killed so many Native Americans personally raped his own mother. I've heard that.

I've heard Christopher Columbus was the rapist of his own mother. Really? I mean, might as well be. That's a bad guy. Such a bad guy. Is there any defense for Christopher Columbus? I mean, let me get this on the record here. He came to America.

People claimed he, oh, he convinced people the world was round. No. That's a myth. Everyone knew the world was around. Back to the Greeks. The Greek, uh... Yeah, but then we decided that was bullshit. And then we needed to be convinced again.

I don't believe that. I think any educated person in 1492 or wherever the fuck knew that the world was round. No one was... Do you think they were sitting there in the palace of Isabella and Ferdinand of the Spanish Empire? And going, like, like, Kyrie Irving, the basketball boy, going, the world's flat. We live on the top of a turtle. Well, didn't they think it was like pear-shaped? I mean, it's kind of pear-shaped, isn't it?

No. No. It took me a second, but no. I mean, look, it's no blitz spheroid. It's not exactly a circle. It's not round, per se. Well, is there, is there such a thing? That's one of those things you tell, like, you're at a bar and some guy says the world's

around, like, there's actually no blate spheroid, and he stabs me because he thinks I'm trying to fuck his girl. And then I take the knife out of my own bloody stomach. I lick the blood and I walk away. Just letting you know that he didn't win either. And I thought in the parking lot. Anyway. Is that like a Steve Jobs thing where they have to...

They have to make it a little bit oblong because that way it looks like a perfect circle? Yeah, what's like that movie is like the kids like, you know, and Steve Jobs to film, his little girl was asking about the square, what was it the next computer and she's like why it's not a square i measured it no that wasn't it called the lucy he had no he had a computer called the lisa oh you just want to cram yourself in any situation don't you it's the lucy from the maker of the

lisa which failed the lucy no it was called next it was the it was a computer he made after he left apple the first time right right and uh but before before he returned and and then died of cancer because he starts sucking on sassafras roots or whatever instead of getting chemo. I mean, I'm not trying to laugh at the guy, but, you know, uh... Did he even try weed? Because, like, I know there's a lot of, like, theories about weed. I don't think weed, like, cures cancer. Did he really just suck on leaves?

I mean, I don't know. But he might have smoked weed. He probably smoked weed all day. And that's where he got the idea to fucking make my battery just stop working after a year. Piece of shit. I'm not glad he's dead, but I mean, ooh. If I ever was glad someone was dead. This motherfucker

Anyway Wasn't called Lisa or the Lucy It was called the next And It was supposed to be a perfect cube But it wasn't It was measured differently

Because it was the illusion Otherwise your brain But that's not what's happening here Christopher Columbus Was a scumbag Who was acting like Hey yo yo Oh the world is round

And they're like We've all been to whatever the equivalent of college is in 1492. Is it college? I don't know. Do they have college back then? Sailor school. We all went to a sailor school, you dumb fuck.

What do you think we sail around and don't know how the horizon works? We know how it works. I mean, anyone who worked on the sea would know that. I mean, you just, things disappear over the horizon. What do you think to go? Yeah, but you don't always think about those things or put two and two together. You just think you're like the liberal elites who think that everyone who has blue-collar job is a fucking moron.

They probably think some kind of weird goat, magical goat, spits vapour and makes the ships disappear. Yeah. They all understand, like, this is curvature. How would they chart, like, how would they do anything on the sea if they thought it was flat? Well, most of them didn't, right?

Most of them just dive scurvy. No, I mean, look, they found, they went places. I mean, they'd been to China at that point. maybe over the land i'm not sure yeah but they're just going the whole time they're just fixing on like what are you going to do with all those spices we're going to get and it's like you know and they're just in well yeah did the Columbus go to the new world just get MSG

like i tell you this general chicken fucking sucks me to get something something a little kick to it and it might give you a headache but i mean whatever um ribs well let's eat like Yeah, he like, he like Kung power chicken. Yeah. Can't do that with salt, can you?

Motherfucker. So, I don't know. I mean, Lucy's of the opinion that this romantic Columbus guy who probably wasn't very good looking, I'm just guessing. Probably look like a snail. And he marched into the royal court and said, oh, you know, the world's, uh, it's not flat. And then, like, you know, and he's trying to fucking shove his finger up like the, the, the prince. Princess is fucking pussy. And you're like, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm romantic. Oh, I can't serenade the Princess Isabella. Phu, Poh, Poh, Poh. Fungu, here's a fist in your pussy. Let me give me some money for the ocean. Look, I'm not a Christopher Columbus apologist. You're a stand. I'm not a stand.

You're shipping yourself Christopher Columbus. But we have heard, like, Back in 1492, Christopher Columbus, Lucy Blue. Right? Yeah. Get that ghou. Andrew Dice Columbus. Oh.

We have both seen that essay. Should I try Andrew Dice Columbus? It was a risky maneuver here. You should do it. Do more. Oh, the world's not flat. Your mother's chest is. Oh.

Oh. He probably. I mean, Andrew Dice, Columbus probably, I'm not saying Andrew Dice Clay is a pedophile. I don't think he is. I'm pretty sure he's not. But I think Andrew Dice would be, so I don't want to keep doing it.

Yeah. Because I don't want to have to do pedophile jokes about him. Well, he did say something about, like, prostituting out 14-year-old girls or something. He did? Andrew Dice Clay? No, no, Columbus. What did he do?

What do you say? He said something about how, like, oh, we could, like, make sex slay. of all these little girls. Really? Yeah. About 14-year-old girls. But there's, some people have argued

that a lot of those... Technically, is I make him a hebo-file? If you won't be that guy? Well, technically is a hebo-file. Because that's like a teenager, right? Oh.

I don't know. Is that count for 14 or it has to be 16? I don't know. I haven't researched hemophilia because I'm not one. Isn't hemophilia when you bleed a lot? That's hemophilia. I'm talking about hebo-ophilia.

Hebo-oh-oh-oh. Hebo-file. It's like the... It's like the... It's like the guy in the first episode of The Shield who's like, I like him older. Like 13.

And they all get, you know, shit, Vic Madgey. Anyway, Christopher Columbus is in the new world. There were some argument. Look, there are people who argue that a lot of those quotes are taken out of context. What quotes? One's where he's like, I'm going to fuck your mother's

pussy with her bat. Is that taken out of context? I'm going to turn your daughter into a whore. Is that taken out of context? Hi, I'm Christopher Columbus And I'm here to rape you Totally, yeah Look, if you look at the times

The kind of people you're comparing them to They're all saying that He was a joker, okay? Hey, who wants to get it? He shows up at the new world When he thinks it's New Jersey But it's really Tahiti Where the fuck happened

For Bermuda, right? He wasn't in the, he never made it to the American mainland It was, uh, do you know where it was With the Barbados Or something? Something. Chuck's and Kekos, perhaps. And he shows up and sees the natives and he goes,

Who wants to get raped? I'm Columbus. I'll be here all night. No, but some people say, like, the quotes about, oh, I could subdue them with 10 men or, like, or prosecuting the children. That was all the stuff that he was saying we shouldn't do. Like, that would be bad if it happened, so we shouldn't do that.

To break the fourth wall, there are, there's a guy whose video I saw on you. YouTube. Do we give him a shout out? Do you remember his name? It's been a while I watched it. I was probably a rap as an accrual. Yeah, I don't want to give him a shout up per se. But he claimed that a lot of he's taking out of context. And I don't know, because it's like, how is that work? Like, it's like a mob guy. It's a guy who's show where I'm going, it'd be a shame if I subdued you with 10, you know, 10 soldiers. Oh, he's taking that kind of text. I was saying I wouldn't do it.

What else do they take out of context? the fact that he was fucking himself in the ass with some severed hand of a 14 year old wharf he fucking pimped out in the first place taking out of context he actually saved her first and then pimped her out

he saved her from some other explorer some fucking America Miss Pucci America Miss Pucci was fucking new to ass-ass videos with her and he stopped it don't do that and he fucking took her and didn't release her

and then cut her hand off and started festing himself but he saved her first you don't understand um i mean look i i think in general is a good rule to not can we show this in classrooms this video here like you know teachers take it take a day off we're going to learn about columbus and just show him this video um in general i think it's a good rule to just like not celebrate explorers that's why it's yeah anyone who goes out to explore it was going to do some murder i mean as a bet look there are no explorers anymore they're all

peeping tombs right Right? It's just fucking, and boyures. Who are you thinking of specifically? Anyone who just goes to explore. I mean, if you're exploring nowadays, you're just a voyeur. Right? I'm going to go explore downtown Detroit. You're looking for fucking underage prostitutes probably.

You know what I mean? Who are you thinking of, though? You're just thinking guys go to Thailand? No one calls himself an explorer anymore, but if you did, that's what I would think you're doing. I'm going to explore Times Square. Well, good luck. it's all bubble gum shrimp now, but it used to be something you could explore

and get some kind of hooker and a knife. At the same, you buy a knife and you get a hooker. Don't stab the hooker. No. I'm just saying, but you can buy a knife. Or whatever, people lament, look, but let's get real. Times Square does suck now.

But people do lament. Like, you used to be able to get a horse there and buy pocket switch blades. It doesn't seem like something that should be dead center in the biggest city in the world. Right? Like, I'm not saying, You should have bubblegum shrimp and, like, who's the guy, Guy Fierry's flavor bomb, whatever it's called?

Flavor Castle. Did they have restaurants there or was it just the... It's probably some fucking, you know, noodle shop where horror could, like, you know, wash a pussy out in the bathroom. I don't know. I mean, it was a dangerous place. I don't know where we got this idea that, like... What have we kept the Disney stuff but brought back the prostitutes? Oh, so they could dress up like Bell from a...

Yeah, like they have to do double duty. Double don't duty. Double don't duty as the play actors. But then they're also getting fucked. So the whores are talking to my kids? I don't know if that's a good idea. I want to be able to take... Look, it's better than the Elmo's that go around molesting people.

I was hitting the thing because it goes in the screenstaver mode. You got to learn how to stop that. I don't want an Elmo who's been sucking off some guy from Detroit for five bucks. to be talking to my kids spitting cummolovers. I got nothing against it. Two guys want to pay each other to suck off one or the other. Who's, I mean, whether you're paying a sucker gets sucked, that's fine with me. Look, I'm just saying I don't want I'm spitting blood and cumming to my kid's face.

I think you can have it one of two ways right now. Either the Elmo's are molesting people against their will, or they're doing double-dong duty and holding hands with the kids and then sucking people off for $5. I think it should. And it will also de-incentivize a molestation because you're not going to give it away from free if you know that somebody's going to pay you. Wait, so some kid, some kid is going to have to wear with all to be like, because prostitution is legal in Times Square, he's going to be like, hey, Elmo, you're

getting paid. Why am I not getting paid? What is there a union? Is there a kid prostitute union now? The kids will obviously grow up more quickly, but, uh, you know. I don't want them to grow up. I want them to grow up in a bubble. I don't want to know anything about, you know, sleepy Joe Biden.

You want a bunch of bubble boys with their participation trophies? Yes, I want to make... I got this trophy even though I suck nobody off. I'm not going to let my kid ever get over on me. And so he's going to grow up coddled and weak. And then I'm going to put... I'm going to open the windows in the winter. We're when it's raining.

So it gets black mold in his room to get asthma. How is that calling him? Whatever. It's just weakening him. I don't want my boy to be. He'd be threatened to burn my house down Like I did my father All right

There's a method to this You be me And I'll be my I'll be me You be my son Go Say I'm gonna burn your house down Hey dad

Sorry the black mold Is really getting to my lungs I'm gonna burn your house down I got your inhaler bitch See that's how it works And I crush it with one hand Because I've been thinking steroids

It's a two-fold plan. I'm going to weaken my child and start taking steroids and working out. We're mostly taking steroids and meth. I'm going to be a good dad. I'm going to love him. But if he ever tries to get aggressive with me, oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Because it's going to look, we're going to have water shortages. We're going to have climate change. We're going to have roving gangs of violence, right? Yeah. and Columbus types, you know, who want to explore in my house. And you want to prepare him for that by slowly breaking down his internal organs. No, well, he's the thing. You can't afford, you're thinking too small.

I'm thinking big. Okay. I'm a big picture boy. All right. Now, you think, oh, you want to tough him up. But I have a game plan. I know where I've buried the guns. I know where I've buried our gold.

I know where I've buried our medicine, right? And he's going to go, I don't need him in puberty years going. I'm like, I want to go get pussy. I'm not going to listen to you all, man. I need to keep my boot on his neck to keep him safe. But also me safe from him. So it's a two-fold thing. But he's just fucking my...

I got you to worry about. Okay. You want a boy to be fucking up our plans in the post-apocalypse or just gradual decline? Look, I just think maybe we could talk to you. I'm level with them and go, look, you're growing up in a hard time. Here's how I level it with them.

Hey, boy, you're 16 now. It's time for you to know. I've been giving you a black. black mold in your room for years. I've been teaching your lies. I've been doing steroids and working out and taking meth. You don't want to fuck with me. Listen to what I say, boy.

All right. Will you teach him out of fight and for other situations? I'll teach him a fight just good enough. Like one if an aggressor comes into the house and you're not there. I want him to bear, put, I build a little box for him. going to it's a little slipping he'll be small

I'm not gonna feed him a lot he'll stay skinny and he can slip inside he'll slip inside this box so in a post-apocalyptic scenario with all these challenges

yeah it's like a mailbox strength-based challenges you basically you want to turn our child into a little golem-type creature I build a little think like an outside mailbox

right but a slot big enough for him and it's got like levers he can pull that will like drop acid from the ceiling or something. He's like, oh, he's like the little guy in the big machine. Yeah, but it'll move.

He's just in the stationary box. You know, it'll keep him alive for a while. I mean, where am I? I'm not going to be going out that often. It's a post-apocalypse or just the slow, again, the slow decline of America. We're out on a date. We're out on a post-apocalyptic date. Where are we going to be going to the fucking dump?

Yeah, we'll go to the dump to shoot grass. Well, look, he'll, one of the levers will be a flare, though. go up in the sky flare gun they rigs the ceiling okay and it'll shoot in the air they go oh our boys in trouble hope he he's alive when we get back and then you know and we won't leave our date early i'll just know to have my knife ready yeah oh my gun ready you know so i can get the jump on these guys what are we talking about okay so but Columbus Columbus Columbus um i don't think he's a role model no i mean look did you imagine Columbus This is like Eminem.

He's like, I never said I was a real bottle, yo. Yo, honey doesn't wrap, his clothes I was wrapping in the parking lot or a parking garage, whatever it was. What was that thing he did like a few years ago? Oh, that was terrible. I'm about Trump in the parking lot. I draw a line in the sand here.

You didn't draw it to, you know, fantasizing about killing your wife. I'm in the parking garage. It's Louis Vuitton. Listen to me, Trump. You're not the Don. My kids are, my kids got more money than, The Kardashians. I suck my...

No, I'm not going to keep going. But how is he... Oh, my God. You rich boy. Rich Eminem. He's taking gold. His mother's eating gold-plated Vicodin now in heaven. Is she alive still?

I don't know. My mom takes Vicodin. All right. A lot of people think Vicodin. Doesn't he kill all the women in his life? I mean, those songs, I think. I'm sorry, Mama. Where's Tupac, right?

I'm sorry. Sorry, Mama. No, no, that's Eminem. I never meant to... Tupac wrote a song called Mama. I never meant to hurt you. These guys were fucking Mama. Who did that one?

That was Eminem. That's not Eminem. I miss Topok. No. That's Topaz. No, Tupac had a song called Mama. Why was he always out of breath, Tupac? Hello, Mama.

That's not Tupac. That's MNM. Mama. Hello, Mama. I just want to talk to you. Hello. I'm not saying it's a good impression He had that cadence

He had that weird like Oh And now I'm gonna talk about Staying off drugs Wow Like everything was stretched out Yeah I can't think of

I mean I'm not rappers I can't think of lines off the top of my head Tupac's song about his mother Was a nice song about her coming home Mom She was a strong woman She was a black panther Yeah

And she did some great stuff in the 70s Yeah Anyway But But much like Native Americans, she got fucked over. Yes. Yeah. I mean, do you think Native Americans should get stuff now?

Sure. Like early access to the PS5? Oh, that would be great. Yeah. I mean, why do we give, like... You like that? Why don't we give sneakers to Native Americans now? Like, help them become, like, like, hype beasts or, like, just give them, like, cool stuff that would get them friends.

Kids, I mean. you know like give them like really fly shoes give them supreme sweatshirts i'd be fine with that sure also you know some land i get but just get them well you had the great idea of giving them the national parks i know i'm i'm i'm the most pro i'm more pro david americans than the of americans are i don't see i'm asking for national parks well i mean that's a nice thing that's like me saying how is how is that going to be taking out of context i may be canceled because I said I care more about the Americans than the Americans do? Is that going to get me canceled?

Because I love too much? It's a little white savioury, but... No, I mean, I'm like Lawrence of Arabia. Was Lawrence of Arabia a white savior? I don't know. Yeah, but didn't Lawrence of Arabia, like, abandon the... What happened? We just watched the movie.

We told them about it. We just watched it last night and just morning. They all left. They were like, fuck this. Well, no, like, some of them were raiding shit, right? Like, they were looting the trains that they were blowing up. Oh, but Prince Faisal took over. What?

Prince Faisal was always kind of in charge. You know, he was the king. Yeah, but he really took over in the end. But you know he became like the king of... Who's like diplomacy is for old men. Yeah, but you know who he is, right? What? You know who that guy is, right?

Alleghenus. Yeah, I mean, he played him, but you know who like King Faisal is, right? Not really. He was the first sovereign of Saudi Arabia. Oh, okay. Yeah. So, Leo.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. How did they get Saud there, then? Who was Saud? I don't know. We'll look at that for next week's episode. We'll explore the House of Saud. So Columbus, yeah, or nay? I would say nay.

Yeah, but I mean, do you think we should tear his statues down? Sure. Why not just, why not just, see, if I was in the government, I would keep the statues up, but I'd put dildos in his mouth. Oh. That's so much more humiliating. Yeah, right? It shouldn't, is that gay, is that gay, is it homophobic? That's gay panic.

There's gay panic. I'm sorry. That's just Well, no, one should be stuck Of a dildo in public, though, right? Do you ever, like, do you- I didn't say a fake dick A statue, a ditto?

No one should be stuck in a dildo off in public, right? I mean, I'm not gay panicky, but I mean, maybe you're right. But what should we do then? Well, do you mind that statues get torn down? Does it bother you? No, no, not in general, no. I'm not really bothered by it.

I mean... I mean, I guess, like, Like, technically you shouldn't say the president for, like, tearing down public property, but, like, whatever. Oh, yeah. I mean. Oh, should people tear it? I don't, I don't think people should be tearing down statues, like, in mobs, probably. Yeah, maybe not. But then again, like, stop putting up statues, you know, uh, intimidate people, too. Right. They would do it, like, a lot of these statues went up because, uh, just to fuck with people, right? You were saying that one time? well yeah like a lot of them went up in like the early 1900s or whatever because like in response to like the first civil rights movement yeah i don't know

it's like why you to take a look at this hey look at this guy oh you want you want to vote why do you look at this guy over here he don't want you to vote is it all seems very weird um i don't know but the columbus statue specifically so what should we do I want to just suck on this statue It's just Columbus's dick This is a phantom

It's just a dick in the This is not the Columbus status This is like the Confederate statues But the same deal I guess Where the Columbus statues put up To intimidate Native Americans I don't think so I think Italians just paid for it

Yeah He's the one guy they got You got him You got him and I'm like yo Joe Gallow Crazy Joe Gallo With the Mayo crew Remember that Mark the Mark Demo?

the crazy mobster who's the he has the mayo method right with the Gemini method where he would kill people in his bar and they would eat pizza while he let the blood drain

out of the body why is I called the Gemini method because it's the Gemini bar oh and there's the Gemini twins who would work for him and they would just these two

I don't know if they were twins or not but it was two brothers the Gemini boys the Gemini twins they're cold but if they're not twins they should be the Gemini boys All right, but I mean, it's a great name.

I love the Gemini twins. Do you think it's better than the Gemini Boys? I mean, look, I call everyone boys in this podcast, but in this case, sure, the Gemini Boys. Moving on. I guess we'll talk about this guy here, or this week's Batman. You always got to touch him.

You're always going to play with him. They're fun. This is called Crow Robin. Yeah, that scared me. He's the Robin from the Dark Knights Medal series when the dark multiverse starts coming and invading our universe, I guess. And they're trying to, I forget what they're trying to do. Are they robins that have their souls have been stolen?

I don't know if they're even Robbins. I know, like, because it's a Batman who's a green lantern, basically. Does he steal the power ring? Like some green lantern, I mean, it's not, look, this is not Proust writing this stuff, right? I mean, I like it, but it's not, it's not George Bernard Shaw. Who is he? He's a writer, right? He wrote, uh, Joan of Arc, right?

What? Did he write Joan of Arc? I don't know. Anyway, point is, you know, some of his clumsy, clunky writing. So, you know, like Bruce Wayne's parents get killed and, uh, some Greenlander comes to help him and he just steals his ring. And then he comes, you know, he's killing people. That kind of shit happens.

There's a, there's a fucking, uh, The Batman who got the Batman who laughs, who controls these things. There's three of them. It's a Batman who laughs a Batman? He's a Bruce Wayne, but he got infected with Joker toxin, and he became the worst Batman, worse than the Joker. It's crazy. He looks just like the guy from Lord of the Rings at the gates of Sorons.

What are they? Soron, the Mordor? Yeah. I shouldn't drink coffee before, you know. So he's, look, I don't know. He looks like a sex kimp, though, right? Yeah. He looks like he's like, you know, the Joker's going.

Oh, man, does the Joker fuck these? I mean, if you look at the pictures, there's three of them, and they're all little, you know, these little crow robin boys. Do you think the Joker, I mean, the Joker would have to fight. I mean, it's really Bruce Wayne, though. Does the Joker ever do sex stuff? Well, I guess he makes, but he strips Barbara Gordon, right? Does he?

And takes pictures ever? Oh, to clear something up. Yeah, I called you out last time, I think, because. I said that Barbara Gordon didn't fuck Bruce Wayne in the killing joke cartoon I guess Apparently he does So Lucy was right about that I don't know why they would add that to the fucking thing

It sounds crazy It's like hey DC Like we're trying to we want to fucking You know making it more adult How about Bruce Wayne fucks the girl She's like a young girl Fuck it I mean he's supposed to be a good guy

Fucks her so she's young She's legal Well, we'll retcon this, so she's legal. Barely legal barber. People would tagging me in this story about a wedding photographer. Because I used to be a wedding photographer. Oh, yeah, he's one of your kindred travelers. What?

Your fellow travelers. Fellow traveler, what man? Look at a gypsy. Your fellow craftsman. Like an Irish gypsy. A wedding photographer who, uh, what was the story you remember no he was invited to a wedding okay this guy oh yeah and uh then they asked him hey even though he wasn't a photographer per se can you shoot this thing

we'd be like 250 bucks or something like that and so he's shooting his wedding he's probably doing terrible work by the way you know it's not i mean i'm i'm experienced wedding photographer i know how the fucking you know posed the fat old mom and the stupid uncle and like getting to look at the camera and focus properly um you know and uh how me out here so they pay him like 250 bucks which is not a lot right right and so he goes to like take a bathroom break or something no he goes to to eat he goes like you know it's time to eat and uh the guy the groom tells him you can't you can't eat you can't eat You just think, we didn't, we didn't get you a meal.

And not only that, if you try to take a break, we're not going to pay you for these pictures. And the guy got so mad that he just deleted all the pictures in front of the guy. Wow. He's like, hey, look at that. Look at that. Fucker. Boom. There were your pictures.

Yeah. There were your pick. There's your fat mom and your stupid uncle. Now they're gone. And he was on Reddit, I guess. And he blew up. what do you think of this story do you think this guy

did the right thing or not oh well I mean I think not letting him eat a meal it's crazy I mean you got to eat a meal when you were like shooting things professionally right it's definitely standard

to uh I remember one I knew a guy uh a different random photographer who claimed that he uh one time they tried not to feed him and so he went to Boston market

next door or something and he got like a big bag of Boston market food and he just carried it into the fucking catering hole just to be a dick and uh yeah and like and just fucking started eating chicken bones in the middle of the dais probably or some shit i mean if it was me i'll i'll go into this minute i do another guy who said like

they gave him like finger sandwiches or whatever was like sandwiches right and uh he went to go grab a beer from the bar and the and the groom was like oh they feed you and everything like oh yeah we got sandwiches in the back like sandwiches i paid for fucking real food and then they uh they got on a table and everything. Ah. Because the camera call was trying to get over. Oh. You know,

we're not going to... I mean, how much is this stupid food? This food's never good. That's the thing. The food they serve you is barely ever good. Wedding food? Yeah. Yeah.

So... Point is. What's my point? I mean, the other crazy thing is that this is like a friend of theirs, right? Yes, the point where the acquaintance is. So they're trying to, like, work their friends. Here's what I would do. You be the guy.

I'll be the fucking photographer. Okay. Hi. I'm just going to take a break to eat. See, I can't even put myself in his guy's shoes because I would just show up at the buffet and be like, you know, start eating food.

Right. During the first dance. Or like, you know, if it's like, I would just go in the kitchen, be like, hey, can I get a fucking, you know, a mound of beef on a roll or whatever. But I mean, I wouldn't, I wouldn't. Ask the groom, but the groom, you be the groom. Okay.

I'm going to take a break to eat dinner now. I'm the photographer, by the way. Hi, photographer. This is my friend. You can take a break or we're not going to pay you. How about I? I mean, how about I suck off your mom? Oh.

You would do that? I would do that. I would suck off your mom, fist your dad. Anything to eat right now. I'd love to eat What if I fucking What if I take a picture Of you having sex with me

Blackmail you Okay, here's what I wonder You're breaking character Sorry You would do that No, no mind You can have all the lobster roll you want Lobster roll

It's that American Legion by the way Oh, okay So it wasn't very good. Yeah. Who were those four? I guess people have no money. Who are those four? That's on Long Island and I shot at Long Island and like we take weddings very seriously over there.

We don't like marriage very seriously, but we take weddings very seriously. And it all costs like 50 grand or something and like no one has. American legions are not like nice places typically. Oh yeah. I went to a wedding on Long Island once and like it's like stacked. Stacked? Stacked? They have stacked weddings.

Like tits? Like they did the whole. You know, where the best man molest the maid of honor. Oh. Like, I've never seen that at a wedding before. Really? Yeah. I've seen what my boss used to do a trick where he would blindfold the groom.

Or was the groom? He would blindfold the guy who catches the bouquet. Uh-huh. No. What? The woman throws a bouquet, right? Yeah. A woman catches a bouquet.

then the groom fucking shoves his hands up the wife's pussy and pulls off her underwear garter okay right it's like he's on a leg or whatever oh i thought it was the best man who did that to the maid of honor no he didn't the groom tosses that like the bouquet okay and then someone catches that and the guy who catches it shoves it up the pussy of some other girl oh i mean really up the leg got and depending on the mc it's how how how sexy you want to make it right shove it up higher shove it next to a pussy

come on this is a wedding we got to get this girl going we got to get some fucking juices for make her fucking make a wet like prime rip just fucking me I love the we should do a wedding

I should go on make this pussy wet come on no but you shove it up the leg and sometimes guys go a little frisky with it you know right but my boss used to shove a blindfold on the fucking guy you go hey this will be even sexier you won't know until you reach that wet pussy right but really he threw the groom and put them in that spot and so and so he'd be shoving i forget like i guess i guess they would uh get to the ankle whatever and realize the guys

weren't pants but it made for good pictures Oh, okay. It wasn't my joke. This is not my version of the impractical jokers. I didn't do this. And then the DJ goes like, ah, they're gay. Gay panic.

Welcome to Long Island, boys. Get them. Um. Why are you put a gun in your mouth? You're gay. Oh, that was me. I'd shoot myself right in the... I'd shoot myself.

If I thought I was getting some wet pussy in my hands and end up being some guy's shit and I'd shoot myself in the mouth. Long Island. But yeah, it seems like a very sketchy. This guy. Okay, here's my theory. Yeah.

Is this guy, is it possible that this guy was some kind of like former boyfriend of the wife of the bride and that the guy the groom was trying to get over on him? and kind of put him in his place. You know what you're not going to do here? Two things. You're not going to fuck my wife anymore. And you're not going to eat.

That's what you're not going to do. Those two things, I'm going to make sure. Maybe. I mean, it seems like a really weird way to cook a guy. Please take our pictures and then, you know, you can't have anything in this ragu. It's fucking, just this, this is just penny out of vodka. I mean, do you think the guy should have to leave?

the pictures, even though he's mad. Some people say you should have held him hostage. No, you should delete the pictures. Yeah. I like that. That's fun. Ball and move. You know what I was done?

I would have swapped the card out. The card that I always kept a card full of pictures of my own and asshole. I was like, here's your wife. Here's your wife. This picture of my asshole. See, look at this. And he was like, what's going on? I want to eat.

I want to eat. I'm so hungry. give me food I mean it just seemed to go weird I would I would never like I would just eat really quick I would never like I wouldn't be sitting there like a fucking king

Well yeah that's the other thing What was the guy asking for Did he want like an hour long break Where he's just eating me Where he's just stuffing his face With meatball parm Can I have some more rolls please I mean you get a nice little break

You get a half an hour I mean there's nothing to do While people are fucking eating You don't want to like You start doing If you're not done with the table pictures At that point You can do something during dinner

But you don't want to do it while they're eating You gotta do it at a tail end of dinner If you're gonna do anything there Because people want to eat You don't want to be stopping them going like Oh Like there's a fucking local island monsters You don't want to be fucking you know

Interrupting their eggplant palm You know When you get in a picture of Uncle Tony You know And they're all like drunk And you're yelling at you It's no good Kidneys

Kidneys. We have a story about kidneys. This is your cue. Oh. Well, there's that woman who is denied a kidney. Yes. Because she wouldn't get the coronavirus. So a woman was denied a kidney.

What? What are you laughing? A woman. What? What is so funny? no it's just funny you go okay a woman was denied

access to a kidney that she was supposed to get yeah right she was access to it being put at her this woman wanted a kidney i think she was sick right okay she had a disease and she wanted to get some kidney put in there and they said no not until you get vaccinated bitch yeah uh that's the story basically

Yeah, and she didn't want to get vaccinated for religious reasons, but I don't know specifically what religious reasons. Or through religion, Christian Science Monitor, whatever the fuck. How can you be against Vax? I don't, who has a religious objection to a fucking vaccine, but not a kidney transplant? Right, yeah. That seems, I mean, I'm all, I was about to start trashing the rules here. Right.

But that being said, who the fuck? How can you be opposed to the vaccine religiously? What religion is this? Like, Christian scientists wouldn't take a kidney transplant, would they? Well, like a Jehovah's Witness or whatever? Well, Christian scientists. Do Christian scientists not like vaccines? I thought that, I thought they were kind of moderate.

They don't like any medicine. Oh, really? Well, don't you remember, too big to fail and Hank Paulson wouldn't even take sleep, sleep pills? Oh, right, right, okay. Yeah. Not my moderate. Yeah, you would think. Hark wasn't moderate, babe.

I guess because maybe the transplant is natural. Uh, no, it's not. They're not shooting you up with something. Oh, like, then they probably shoot you up with all kinds of things before you get the kidney transplant. Yeah, you should, yeah, you have to take all sorts of like, you know,

anal blockers or whatever, not anal blockers, beta blockers, um, whatever, yeah, like, and, uh,

so that seems weird. But that being said, I'm fine with it, but I want to take a step further. I think, look, if you're pregnant, if you're holding a little baby boy in your belly, right? Imagine that. Yeah. You got this baby. It's kicking you and saying, hey, whore, I want it out of here. And you're like, oh, I got to go to the hospital.

We don't deliver your baby if you're not vaccinated. I'll be the doctor. Hello, ma'am. Doctor, my water broke. I need to give birth to this baby. Fucking A. Cool. All right.

Let me see your vaccine card. I'm not vaccinated. Okay, I want to let you know something. If you don't fucking get vaccinated right now, I'm going to let that baby die in your gut. Wouldn't the baby just come out, though? I'll block up your pussy with oatmeal. Clog it up with dry oatmeal.

Look, mess, if you don't get vaccinated, we're going to tie your pussy clothes. I mean, we just can't allow a baby to come in the world on vaxed. And also your asshole. Yeah, I mean, because, like, can a baby? Maybe come out of an asshole, I know it doesn't typically, but like, is, no? No, they're in complete, they're in different parts of the body. What if we had sewn the pussy shut?

It wouldn't then decide to come out of the asshole. It might start biting it. I would probably rip the pussy open. Whether it started biting its way through, like the body, and then they came out of the asshole. Oh, my God. Can it happen? I don't think so, because babies don't have teeth, but they're that young. Oh, that's a good point.

Can they start ripping up their hands? I think the one problem I take with us. That baby had teeth They would come out of that asshole Yeah But they don't Yeah Um

Do you think That's too harsh Too harsh what Biting through the asshole I don't I think the Uh It seems odd

It seems odd I mean I guess they're worried That if you don't get the vaccine Then you'll get COVID And you're kidding No Yeah I don't get it

I mean it seems barbaric it seems a little harsh but it's like I guess there's maybe it's for the staff of the hospital because they're digging around inside of you I don't think doesn't you can get COVID from digging around inside someone's innards and you it's like a respiratory thing I guess if you're doing a real bad job you're like I thought you're doing a kidney transplant like I am like why her lungs ripped open well can't you get COVID sexually? I mean, I don't think from come. I think maybe like while you're having sex,

I know, you know, we like to kiss during sex. Yeah. Give you some little kisses. That could give you COVID. Okay. Maybe come could give you COVID. I don't know. Can come give you COVID?

We demand answers. Yeah. Fouchy, where are you on this? Where's Fouchy? We need a fucking. That's this way he'll go on the try guys, but not on the show. Yeah, the try. fucking try, I guess.

Oh, we're going to eat the entire menu of Burger King and then talk to this guy about a fucking disease. How about, you know, we're actually dealing with issues on the show. Yeah. Does come give you COVID. Right? Right. And can you get it from digging around inside someone?

What have you supposed to shut with oatmeal? Well, we'll come out of the asshole. And there's another story about this, right? Well, there was another kidney story. story. So this is the day of kidneys. Yeah. There was some writer wrote a,

she wrote about her experience, giving a kidney to some stranger, and then her friend, sub-tweeted her in a short story, where she called her a white savior. Okay, so a woman was on a Facebook group, right? Yeah, a writer.

A writer, according to herself. Like, you know, Gordon-Dur, yeah. The writer is the first one? They're both writers. So some sleazy romance writer, probably. Yeah. Okay. Goes into a Facebook group that she's part of.

And she starts bragging about how she gave a kidney to someone. Yeah. The person she gave it to you is white. Okay. But then her friend. But she's gushing about this. She's going like, look, she starts posting something like, hey, all, I just want to let you know why I'm a fucking top-notch bitch.

Yeah. She said something about how, like, you know, a lot of people donate a kidney to their friend with her family, but to me, strangers are just as important. Disgusting, first of all. Yeah. Uh, I let strangers die. Yeah. In my world.

Unless it's COVID, then I, I take the vaccine for them. Oh, sure. I'm not making the case for the anti-vax. I, but otherwise, I would never give an organ to a stranger. I mean, that's not true. I would give my fucking, you know, a lung to a little baby. A lung. I give my lung to a little baby.

If a little baby needs a lung, I'll give them one. Would they let me? I've smoked before. Was that problem? Well, I guess maybe, look, I guess, a semi-functioning lung Well, how a parent would take my lung for their baby Look at me,

I just like I just want to find a cute baby and go, hey, I want to make an agreement with you If he ever needs a lung, I'll transplant it to you. I think he deserves to have a backup. What do you think of that? Oh, thank you. Well, we appreciate the gesture.

I actually had my lung taken out and put it on ice. Just an anticipation. Here it is. Take it. Thanks. Take it. Thanks. Take my lung.

Um, so she starts gushing about this on Facebook. Yeah, she's bragging about it. I'm a fucking, I did this nice thing. And, uh... And so her friend, who's also a writer. Right. Writes a short story.

It basically takes the story, but changes it so that the recipient is Asian. Asian. Right. And writes a story about her friend being sort of like a white savior, you know, obnoxious woman who is self-congratulant. She says a bunch of racist shit to the Asian woman after giving her her kidney. Like what does she say? Well, it's like she says something about how it's like her furniture is like exotic or something.

Why this is so crazy? I mean, I, but then she's also being sued. Yeah, yeah. And so the first woman, the woman who bragged about giving the kidney, sued the woman who wrote the short story. I said it was plagiarism. So she'd be, can you sue someone for plagiarism or Facebook?

I don't know. That's a good question. People getting sued for like, like, you know, plagiarizing their horse paste posts. Some guys like, Ivermectin's not horse paste.

Hey, you plagiarizing me. I don't know. I mean, I'm very suss about anyone who don't need a kidney. How do you know you're not going to need a kidney?

thing yeah i mean my kidneys aren't in great shape i drink a lot of diet coke um you want one of my kidneys you want to switch kidneys yes can we do that yeah i mean if we're the same blood type and even if we're not yeah i mean we just do the surgery ourselves yeah if some guy can do with you in a hotel bathroom why can't i do it yeah oh that guy doesn't really leave you alive typically does what if we each exchange half a kidney right kind of in half Yeah. So it's together. It's just a filter.

So it does. It's just a filter. Um, I don't know. This is a very crazy story. Um, protesters follow Kristen Sima into the, but tell me this story. There's protesters followed Kristen Sinema into a bathroom. This is the one who wears the boots.

This is the one she's blonde. She's the Arizona. It's kind of hot, I guess. She's a hot. The Arizona will send her. yeah right isn't she kind of hot i mean compared to nancy pelosi maybe who was kind of people weren't people gushing about how hot she was back in the 60s when she might have fucked jfk oh i was talking about that i showed you the picture of there's like a young nancy pelosi

and she kind of looks like audrey hepburn i mean that's that that's the craziest thing i've heard in my life and she's just standing next to jfk she's really cute looking Some people think they fucked, I guess She's not Audrey Hepburn That's insane You realize how cute Orgy Hepburn was? Yeah Really cute

Look, I'm not saying she could pass for her I'm not saying that they could switch places Like the princess in the pocket Imagine if Audrey Hepburn lived And then she looked like Nancy Pelosi Insane Yeah, but you're just thinking of old Nancy Pelosi Yes

You're not thinking of young Nancy Pelosi I'm saying imagine but imagine I'm just saying think about the horror of like breakfast of Tiffany's and then you turn it off and then it's Nancy Pelosi

you're like I'm that girl and you stop believing in God you stop yes I believe you think or do you have burned fuck Kennedy um maybe I mean

apparently she was sort of a bad bitch I don't know she'd be do you think Ruth Babe Ginsburg fucking Kennedy wouldn't she be dead now what wouldn't she be dead Audrey Hepburn? Well, I guess she is dead, but not of natural causes.

Right. That's a good point. Do you think Grubb did? Is there a rumor about that? No. You think Hillary Clinton fuck any? Yeah. Yeah.

I think Bill Clinton did? Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. Mock Lewinsky. Oh, yeah. She's like, a kid. Are she even alive? No.

She wouldn't have been. She would have been. She would have been. No, she wouldn't have been. She was totally alive. She was 21 when she fucked Bill Clinton. That was 95, let's her say? That was 95.

75. All right, me, okay, fine. Yeah, so anyway, some protesters followed her into that. Oh, so they followed Christian cinema who didn't fuck Kennedy into the bathroom. Yes. And what happened? She started fucking. What happens?

Tell me the story. They were protesting something. I think it was like DACA or something. Anyway, she started protesting doc at my fault, watch her a thing of shit. She's just taking a big fucking, like, sour cream and onion dip shit. She's eating a bunch of chips in her congressional office, like a big dumb bitch. Well, I don't think they watched her take a shit. What's the protest?

The only way you protest in the badger was watching someone take a shit. These peek over the side of the fucking of the stall and you go, we're going to watch because the worst thing in the world is to be watched while we're taking this shit. I can't imagine the worst thing than someone watching me while I take a shit. Yeah. Couldn't stand it. I would sign the Patriot

if you watch me take a shit. I would hate it. I'm trying to shit here. And you have to go so bad, but I'm not going to shit while you're here. That's worse than Guantanamo Bay. Yeah. No, I mean, that should be a new strategy.

Just watch. Put cameras in the stalls. Peaking on people in the shing the crapper. And then edit them. You know why it's called a car. Crapper, by the way? Why? It was invented by a guy named crapper.

Is that true? I always heard this. But I think... No, the guy who meant it was named crapper. But I forget that if that's an urban myth or not. John Crapper. You've heard this? I've never heard that.

I think it's true. Okay, I believe you. Anyway. Anyway, yeah. So do they kill her or something? Yeah, they murdered her. All right. and change the world.

Cool. I don't know. Do you think that's going too far? Yeah. I mean, I'm going to go out of the limb and say it's a little too far. I mean, one time I was at, like, this event, and I went into the bathroom, and there were a bunch of, like, lady stalls. And there were just these two gross bitches. One of them was pissing with the door open so she could talk to the other one.

And, like, I passed them, and I, like, I turned my head away, like, thinking she was going to, like, quickly close the door. but she was like, I'm just talking to my friend over here, sorry about that. How old were they? Probably in their 20s. Wow. Where is this? It was that some fucking thing. Maybe it was a wedding.

Really? Yeah. But it was like... The bribe is doing this? The bride's just pissing. The photographer's there. And you go, I'm on my life. I'm only shooting from the waist up.

Don't worry. Don't get pissed on the garter belt. We got to fucking use that later. Some people don't care. About what? Some people won't be intimidated. I mean, people can watch me piss, but not shit. Yeah.

Shit's dirty. Piss is clean. That's how I feel, at least. What do you think about piss and shit? I mean, like, being forced to let someone watch me take a shit is worse. Right? Yeah. Yeah.

It's a little sticky. Yeah. I mean, if I'm taking a nice wet dump, that's fine. But, I mean, if it's sticking, if it's, like, pinching. Yeah. Mm. I'll fucking sign your treaty. Yeah, that's why the political moves would be to record it

and then send it to them. That's sort of like a warning. Oh. You better, isn't Doc of the Dreamers? Yeah. Yeah. These dreamers, you better let these dreamers come to America. If you don't let these dreamers come to America,

we're going to let everyone know you shit. I don't know. What's her deal anyway? Who is she? She's the Republican? She's like a Republican. American-ish Democrat. That's a good move.

Yeah. I mean, that's the best. Honestly, the best move is to join the party and do the opposite shit of the party. Oh, yeah. Just be like, hey, I'm a Republican, but I'm just fucking, like, wearing Jay Shirts. Che Guevara shirts. And I'm just fucking listening to, uh, what's the socialist band, Raging Against the Machine, I guess? Oh, is they, are they socialist?

Oh, for sure. But, I mean, is there more like, what are the socialists, like your pussy riot? Your leftist friends listen to Pussy Riot? No, nobody actually listens to Pussy. That's just people listen to. Um, what do they listen to? Probably just fucking Dylanger.

Dillinger escape plan, Billy Bragg. Uh, anyway. Well, this has been great. Do you have anything to promote? I know, do you? No. Listen to the Patreon. Yeah.

You get an extra episode every week and then we're doing great and we're glad to be back. We're going to be back again next week. Everything's great. everything's phenomenal. Have a great week.