Kump - 86 - Valor Kump

Episode Date: October 25, 2021

Ray and Lucie discuss Colin Powell, child care, Halloween, and much more. Sign up at https://www.patreon.com/RayKump for an extra episode every week! Get your "I'm A Wine Princess, Bitch!" T Shirt, available for a limited time! https://bonfire.com/store/kump/

Hello, and welcome to Kump. Hello. Hello, Lucy. Hi. It's a sad week, I guess. I mean, you're one of the most been participated. films of your uh this year for you might not happen yeah you're a big western fan you love those uh cowboy shoot them up movies i'm a big fan of um that dead cinematographer also what wow you just

really you really went for it huh i was i wasn't good to say name of the film i was just gonna wow all right i'm a big trap in lucy just loves the do you do you know her the work no that was a I got to remember her name. Woo. No, look, I mean, Hollywood elite,

what are you going to do? Okay, that's way hard. I'm trying to save you. I'm trying to help. I'm trying to give you a life raft here, Lucy. That's so much worse. I know,

but I mean, I'm drawing the fire. No, it's a tragic thing. Hearts and prayers go out. Well, what do you want? My farts and prayers.

And theirs? Is that what he wants? You want you? You want my prayers to Satan? I want you to revenge kill Alec Baldwin. Wow. I mean, I really like Glenn Gary,

Glenn Ross. I mean, I really like it. It's one of my favorite films. So that's going to be. That's a good point. He's going to make it again? I sometimes fantasize about him,

like doing it as a play, but not like a run on Broadway, but like, and not just for me. I mean, I'm not like, it's not like some weird fantasy where he comes to my apartment.

and just, like, does the speech from me and I'm on a fanboy. But I'm at the classy, uh, upscale dinner party, not all celebrities, but some celebrities, some, uh, men and women about town, chess setters, uh, some guys playing the piano, and they coax him into doing a Glenn Gary monologue after dinner. And it's just, it's all great fun. It feels like a, uh, a, uh, an episode from the later season of Madd men and uh and and and you know uh are you at david the coveny turns to me and goes pretty good and i say so you are at this party oh i'm it's out of fantasy about this and you're not there

i would love i'm writing a novella about a fictional party where alec ball wins coax and doing a monologue of glen gary and that's all but now it's not going to be realistic now if you read the novella, I mean, would you even buy that? Would you even believe that could happen? That he would be at some party with David New Coveney after what has transpired. Well, I think maybe, I could see him. You could doubt whether or not he would be at the party, given what's transpired. But I think if he was at the party, it would be much easier to get him to do things.

Oh, now that he's murdered someone. Oh, my God. Well, first of all, I don't think he's murdered. Well, it's possible. But don't forget, murder involves intent or at the very least, like, a willful, like if he knew it was loaded with a live round or a slash fired the gun at, you know, someone when they weren't part of the shot, maybe you call it murder. But, you know.

All I know is that he is directly responsible for the death of my favorite cinematographer and, uh, and a human woman. put that coffee down though right i mean that's that's that's pretty good but yeah maybe you're right maybe we can get him to come on the podcast and uh and we're not going to bring it up if he comes all right we're we're going to be the sleuths we're going to be the gumshoes who get him the crack if he has to crack first of all he might not have very well might have nothing to crack about it's a tragedy who knows why it transpired you know why why just like live round if it was that was in the gun but you i mean you look do i think if anyone could get it

out of them it's us maybe but you know i think we could but are we doing this is the is the idea that we're going to bring him on the podcast and then you're going to ask him to do the monologue well before earlier in the show okay i mean we're not going to lead with the other thing right i mean yeah you make it seem it's like that step even merchant interview not even merchant jessia The guy having a peep show with the journalist. Yeah. And there's a fluff piece for an hour. And then the journalist comes on and goes like, oh, by the way,

in the last five minutes, he goes, by the way, you said this thing about trans kids years ago. And I have two trans kids. And it was just very much. And that's how you do it. You ambush him at the end after you have his, like, good connection with Alan Baldwin. You want to Colombo him. Just one more thing. Sure.

Yeah. Yeah. One more thing. Well, that's actually smart. Because then we, here's the thing, we get him into that character, that kind of heartless character from Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. And then maybe when he's in character. He gives me a hug.

I was thinking he could confess, but sure, maybe also he gives you a hug. Oh, he gives me, it's one of those confessions like, yeah, he did it because I'm a winner. Yeah. I mean, look, he's probably a character actor, so maybe like, you know, that that's what he's going to occupy. when we put them on the spot he's going to occupy that strong man from Gary Gunn Ross

who carry literally brass balls in his briefcase. He needs those right now when we're interrogating them. All right? So I don't know. Do we have a producer? Like a talent booker?

No. We don't have one. We're going to get one. We need someone on this. Yeah. We need Alec Baldwin. We're not going to bring it. Tell them we're not going to bring it up.

You know, don't, don't. why would you tell him that he's going to assume for the rest of his life that everyone's going to ask him about it so don't tell him just lie right you know he's he knows when you say we're not going to bring it up that you're going to bring it up but you don't have to say it you don't know you can just lie to the man that's true who is our talent book going to be um is he does he does he have a home or is he a homeless man because i don't know a homeless man might work because then someone who's preferably like maybe someone who was homeless outside 30 rock someone who could play on the heartstrings yeah of these guilty rich celebrities some guy who you know who he's obsessed outside rogerfellow

center every day and ballwin probably gave him a couple bucks because he's a good guy right and then and then you go hey remember me because they they know that they based a character on him that wasn't flattering which character jack donoggi i mean i don't know just some random everyone likes that character i like that character i mean the homeless guy oh Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, yeah, whatever. But we're going to give this guy a job. We're going to employ this man for a bit. Not a bit, like for a while. Yeah. It's not going to be a full-time. I've not given them like dental benefits. But, you know, we need an in with Alec Baldwin. And we're helping the homeless. Right.

This is all good. We're charitable people. Very excited. But it is a rough week, not just because of Al Baldwin And your love of Western films One of your personal heroes, I believe, dare I say, your greatest hero, Colin Powell has died. I mean, he was a, what was he? He was the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. He was the National Security Advisor at one point.

He was the Secretary of State. most famously probably the secretary of state was that his most prestigious position you think probably yeah was it his most uh well what's even a term you'd use well received well well received or well like is he is he you remember fondly for that role perhaps not maybe not i mean he famously went in front of the u.n in the buildup to the iraq war and started telling him about how look i've been to saddam's house we watched porn over the I know this guy has these weapons. Trust me.

I hang out with his kids. Uday, Kusei. I got him on speed dial because it's back before our iPhones and stuff. He literally had him on speed. He's telling, you know, who was in the Congress back then? We go bride raping together. Ooh, yeah. I mean, look, I, it's a very touchy thing, this guy, Colin Powell.

I mean, everyone's talking about his, like, oh, up until, at that point, it was a black mark and this, don't say black mark. You know, it's the first black, you know, chairman of the joint chiefs, first black secretary's day. Don't say a black mark, whatever. Isn't it a red mark? No, no, it is a black.

People, it's a term, but, you know, be on the ball here. Don't say those things in the articles. But, you know, they're saying it's a black mark and it's otherwise a career, which is like, yeah, that's true, but like, who gets the job of Secretary of State

who has a huge black market in the career? Or general, Who becomes, like, chairman of the joint chiefs or staff who, like, yeah, sometimes he gets drunk at the mall and, like, gets arrested? No, right? I mean, these guys all, like, by virtue, when someone, like, screws up at, like, the highest level, you can't bring up, like, how qualified they, everyone's qualified. They've gone through Senate confirmation, right? Yeah. So, that bugs me.

But he was a good guy. He was probably a good soldier. I mean, he worked under Reagan. I don't know what he did. I think he was in Grenada. Was that a good war? I don't know that that was good either. Well, you hear life.

Doesn't he seem like he was a good soldier? You know, as much as any. But did he actually see combat? I think he might have been in Vietnam. I mean, look. I'm at a swift boat him here. I don't know of anyone who's in the, you know. But you can get a field commission and be in the war

and become a lieutenant. and an officer haven't started out as the infantry guy. I don't know that anyone's the chairman of the joint chiefs, though. They were all going to ROTC at Yale or whatever, probably. And I'm making this. I mean, don't, don't correct me, whatever. But like, I don't, but for all we know, he could have been the guy and, you know, with the, with the, with the tube, and, and the, and the thing comes at the mortar.

He could be the mortar guy in the platoon. We don't know. We don't know. I mean, we're not, like, some people, like Charlie Sheen and platoon, he could get mad at the officers and go, ah, let's frag the lieutenant. We're not in a position to judge whether or not he was a, you know, a grunt or, you know, or if he was just telling guys what to do, like, you know, you're still in the jungle. I disagree.

I think we're the perfect people to judge this. I've never been to the jungle. I mean, it's, I don't like bugs. Yeah. I get very humid. anyway the point is I don't know

what do you what do you remember about Colin Powell I mean other than the Bush year is nothing I mean you buy my point is you buy his story

that he was hoodwinked by the bushes and the Chenees that he that's his stance basically I don't know if he ever publicly said that but I read plenty

of articles have said that Powell was privately, like, furious when it was going on. Right. They left them out to dry. Which just seen, I mean, like, the kind of stuff they were bringing up. And they found nothing. I mean, this is like saying, like, hey, you get a bunch of guys together.

Hey, we're going to go fucking, I got this party for us to go to. There's going to be Australian women. We're going to have imported beer. We have a lot of cheese. It's going to be great. And you show up, and it's just, it's a Denny's. And there's a fat, one fat girl. one fat guy and they're dating and there's no one else and and and like i thought they'd be here

it's not it's naivete is my point like you know it's how do you have that much detail and it's all wrong so is a story that he was furious behind the scenes because he knew it was a scam or was the idea that he really thought this was real and then they and then they got there and wasn't yeah i don't no no he according to you know his uh private rage he thought it was real he thought the yellow cake was real I guess and the moving remember he had the charts

with the moving trucks that they have the the gas or whatever in right I can't believe how is this guy I've said this for years now I said at the time like a month in when we haven't found anything yet I'm like they better

they were just fake it right I mean they would do because they were so everyone was like really weapons And they were like, trust us. Colin Powell was like, look at me. I served in Grenada. Why would, how could I lie to you? And, you know, the level of like what they hinged on it.

And no one just, I, pay me a thousand bucks. I'll show up with some VX gas. And I'll bury it in the sand and go, I found, no one even tried to fake it. I can't believe. Yeah, that is weird. I mean, didn't they kind of try to do it later? after people were already sick of it like I remember seeing something in the New York Times

where it was like these may have been MetWeb and some mass destruction Well sure yeah like it was like three years later And they were like years later And they found like an abandoned school boss And it's like hey maybe there was something in there at one point Looks pretty spooky I bet you give it a bunch of anthrax in there

If you really wanted to A lot of space So I don't know But I feel bad You know, he died of COVID complications. He should be remembered. I mean, I would like, should I go. How well do you want to remember?

Should I want to, you want to, you want to Colin Powell Day? I want to go to his funeral. Can I go with his private funeral? I think it already happened. Fuck. I wanted to do like the dreadbook. Actually, that's a good point. They didn't have like a public funeral for him.

I guess they don't get those. Secretaries of State don't get those. What do you mean? Like a presidential funeral? Where they, they have a horse and they pull those gas guys? No, that's not different Every secretary of state That'd be great

I mean you'd be like You're the Commerce Secretary Yeah And it's just like You're in your dumb corpse Being carried by a horse I would love I mean I would totally go to the government for that

I would just love to have a horse Carry my body anywhere But bring it to Bring it to Denny's Yeah That'll be a party Uh Yeah but I would like to go on in the feet

I wanted to Dress up But what's the term? stolen valor I wanted to do stolen valor as funeral okay I thought that would be nice but like as a response

I mean I'm calling stolen I wouldn't say that to his wife I wouldn't say hey I'm doing stolen value but I'm telling you it was like shorthand but like I would say to her hey by the way I'm not really in the military but I wanted to do something nice for your husband how is that nice for Colin Powell because the military is probably he has a stain on his record

right he got duped to the Iraq war The good gears was when he was in Grenada and he was telling Reagan, you know, how to fight the drug war maybe. I don't know what he did. Yeah, but he's probably going to have, you know, military honors at his funeral. Oh, no doubt. He was a chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. I would imagine that he would have, you know, I've been to some military funerals where they don't even, they don't have the, like, you know, a 21 gun salute. Yeah.

But it's like three guys. I mean, is that always the case? I mean, do they ever have just 21 guys and just shoot once? I feel like he should get that. Yeah. Because usually it's like three guys and they shoot seven times. Would you want to be in your stolen Valor outfit? Yeah.

Would you want to be part of the 21 guns? Oh, I mean, that would be such an honor. Yeah. I mean, can I bring my own, a gun? Just have a handgun. It's just a gun from rust. Um, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I haven't thought about him for years, but, uh, he was one of our better, uh, disgraced generals.

And, uh, look, how many people died in Iraq war? Like, a couple thousand? It's fine. Yeah, I think that's, it's a long time ago now. No, what did he do in retirement? Was he one of those guys? Did he have a painting? He was hanging around, hobby.

Probably hanging around the mall. Um, they like talking to young, people just made him feel young trying to get them to join military he was he was just a recruiter he was hanging out at zoom he wasn't recruiting per se but he would hang out like zoomies and journeys and all these weird like you know emo skateboardy kind of but not real skateboarders i don't think that's a good spot because the kids they're they're filled with angst they're filled with you know rage that can be channeled into the military yeah but he was the way he would pull the grandfather of these things he would just kind of put his hand and not in any creepy way but like there'd be

some weird kid with, like, you know, with dyed roots, whatever you call it. And he's, you know, a little twinkie skateboarder kid. And he's like, he puts his hand in his hand and go, you know, you would really make you a, you know, radical, a radical half-pipe guy? You would make you a radical skateboarder just being part of the military and he has to go to Grenada. And you do whatever you want. No one really knows where it is, you know, in America. So, like, you tell them, you tell the Congress when you come back, you know, oh, wait, like did peacekeeping and you were just you know hanging out you know with a bunch of

Australian women was you know having an origin whatever you're killing whoever you want that's great I mean he's like we're going to tell him boot camp's really fun that's I hate recruit kids that's true yeah we still in Grenada as a as a country I don't know I mean probably they'll probably have a little presence there oh is where is He's Grenada. It's in South America, right? Is it? Sorry, Grenada.

We don't mean to... I'm too dumb. I'm dumber. So, RIP, Colin Powell, I guess. RIP. RIP. Yes. Sorry, never mind.

Go ahead. I guess we'll get the Batman out of the way. This is a nice Batman. This is... Thank you. This is a Batman from a story I haven't read yet. This is from, or maybe I have, no, this is not, this is from Dark Knight, Dark Knight's death metal.

Now I've read Dark Knight's metal, but this is death metal, where they really amp up the allusions to heavy metal music, which is all you love. Now, he doesn't have a cape in this one. He doesn't, he has this weird, I mean, he basically looks as a Grim Reaper with a sickle. So I don't call him dark, you know, death metal Batman or whatever. My private joke to my, so, you know, my reality I want to live in is that he is Obamacare death panel Batman. So if you have to have a knee surgery, you know, Batman comes and looks at your knee and decides if we just, you know, hit you with a sickle instead. Right, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Because that was, that was a thing, right? People were very afraid of. elderly you'll probably be decapitating a lot of the elderly imagine like I mean how much better of a country look no one wants that to happen

but I mean if that really if like the level because the narratives in this country are all they're all crazy but they're also like all just so dumb like Q and on and all this shit but imagine if that one was true that like a guy like Batman

would show up at your grandpa's bed in the hospital and decide if he has to get if he gets like a kidney transplant, and if not, he slits his throat. See, this is what the death panel idea was missing. It's like, I think you need, he can't come to their houses. I think it needs to be a public display. It's a public purging.

They just do it at the gallows. It could be a source of entertainment. I mean, what do you call that platform? The gallows is where you hang people, but he's going to, um, what is, what is that? Because you're not beheading necessarily with a sickle, right? Right. How does the Grim Reaper kill be? Is he just kind of, well, he just point with the sickle?

I mean, yeah, how do you kill with this? Like, I mean, maybe you impale him in the ass. Right? I mean, that, and you go up. Look, if anything that goes into the ass and up, probably it's going to do some damage. That's like a first thing I teach you in military. Right after, you know, right before Grenada.

You know, you learn that. Like, just like, oh, should I go to boot camp? The zoomies, this whole ass and Colin Powell, like this kid. Like, should I go to boot camp? Nah, just stick something in the guy's ass and go up. Anyway, let's get a beer. But yeah, I mean, how false was the death panel thing? Was there some version of the death panel?

No, I don't think so. I think it was completely false. So how do they decide who dies? I mean, I'm just saying, like, you know, if you're having any kind of insurance company, like someone's got to decide who lives and dies, right? It's just some egghead? What do you mean?

like oh like you know does my grandma has like cancer do we put her down or not like is it just i don't think anyone gets put i think some people can't afford treatment and they get put down in a way but right but i don't think anyone's sitting around saying that's that's put some people down no we have to put 50 people down today they wouldn't use that word probably they would say uh you know um administered That's not great. What's the better word? I facilitated 50 patients.

It's not facilitated. What's a good word? I feel like, maybe mislead people. I fallated 50 patients. And you go, this nurse is crazy, but she's really killing them with Batman. Right. Anyway, I don't know.

So no one's, I mean, someone's deciding, the insurance company, someone's deciding who dies. That's true. I mean, you know, that is true in a way. And it's just some egghead. It's just some, like, weird pencil neck new guy who, like, probably, like, you know, online dates too much. And he brags about eating, you know, sushi. Like, we're only sushi.

It's not whatever. You're like, you know, have you ever had Ahi Tuna? That's what he says, we're on the first date. The guy who decides your grandma lives or dies. And when you ask him what he does, he says, he says, I'm in medicine. I help people. Yeah. Right.

I help people. he writes he draws a little uh little ghostbuster symbol over your grandma's uh heart and says no more no life yeah you gotta always be wary of anyone who says they help people for a living no one helps people for a living you know who helps people for a living colin pow in retirement at zoomies has helping young people uh you know realize their warrior side become an army of one become an army of fun with Colin Powell I would love to get a beer with him and Ock Baldwin

that would have been great that's not going to happen anymore because I picture I picture out of Baldwin and say I don't want to do it and then Colin Powell was pulling a sidearm out and going I'm the goddamn ex-chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and you're going to do a little play for me and then he puts a gun in his own mouth

anyway so that's Batman Death panel Batman. Did you want to play with him like you usually do? You can play with a little bit. Which brings up to our, yeah. He's like, he's carrying a stork from little babies. Yeah.

He's a stork Batman alternatively. Which brings us to our next topic. It's a big topic in a few different ways this week. A lot of people talking about paid parental leave in various forms, I guess. now that's when you have a kid and it's not you it's not you taking a sick day to give birth it's the time after right it's the time when you have a little baby he's outside your body now yeah and you've pushed them out and it's your time for a mother maybe a mother maybe a father maybe whatever it's very important to be inclusive with the language you know uh i'm reading you know whatever

Don't look at me Don't side on me But a lot of times mothers A lot of times mothers And You get what? You get six weeks? A couple of months to get to know

To get to know this idea that you had About nine months ago Now what is your Before we get into the media What is your Position on family leave? Do you think it's a remote? I think it's good

I think men should get some time to spend with their baby. Right. You know, I don't think it could... Like Pete Buttigieg. Pete Buttigieg and his husband both adopted two babies and people are giving them crap because he's, uh, they're taking some time

to bomb with the kid. You think that's fine? Who wants Pete Buttigieg back so quickly? I don't know what the hell he does for a little. I mean, what does the transportation secretary do? I don't know. But you're fine with this. Yeah.

I'm not putting you on the spot here. I'm just asking. Well, you want to just leave the two babies on the street to figure it out? Somebody's got to watch them, right? Well, I mean, I, the man of beans, I mean, but I probably wouldn't leave them in the street per se. I mean... Yeah, but you don't just want to adopt a kid and then leave it to its own devices.

You got to, you got to make it part of the Buttigieg identity, the family identity. I mean, I could never trust that kid. I mean, that parental leave would have to be 18 years because I would never leave that kid alone in my house. adopted kids crazy you know

what their agenda is right maybe he just you know maybe this is like a from his point of view a GOP you know guy

this kid he's a GOP kid what you call him what do you call that Republican? yeah but he's like a plant oh oh yeah he's coming up

with material so that later he can write a tell-all about what bad gay dads he had. Oh, imagine the long game on that. And run as a conservative. So arguably, Buttigieg pulled the same shit with his Marxist dad or whatever. What? His dad was a Marxist. Okay. And he complained about it?

And he went all, he went all Lib on him. What's that mean? I mean, I don't know that either. I guess he didn't denounce his father or anything. Libs don't like Marxist? Not to my knowledge. know. Oh, well, it's more Marxist. Well, there's

further to the left. Buttigieg is like a centrist or whatever. Oh, right. Yeah, he's CIA plant. Who cares? He's disgusting. He works for the agency. Point, look, it's fun. I don't care. He's just an example. They're very, people give them crap. Why do people have a problem with this?

What do you know? Your pussy's not ripped in half. The people saying stuff like that. Maybe not those words, but that's how I'm, you know. Gross. I assume they're women. What gross women are saying those? Uh, I think it's a lot of men, but you know, they're saying, you know, they're saying stuff more like you don't have to heal. I added the flavor. Yeah. Uh, because the part of it is you have to, you have, when you push a baby out of a, of a, the vagina, right?

The vagina. That's that it works. Uh, it tears a lot. And, uh, it takes a bruise. Sometimes it tears the vagina to the asshole right in half. Sure. Yeah, that's true. So, I mean, some of it's just the heel.

And they're saying, you don't have to heal. You don't have to milk these kids. Uh, which I. You don't have to watch your baby eat your shit out of your asshole. Eat your own shit. What? Yeah. Well, it's a callback.

Remember what we were talking about before? Oh, last week you mean. Yes, good call. You're the archivist of the show. Yeah. I got a concern for a second. I think it's fine. That Megan Markle is out there.

And she's, you know, she's the princess of, uh, San Bernardino. Where is she, where is she now? She's the Duchess of an Outberger. Yeah. Is she part of the royal family? I don't know if they, I thought they weren't anymore,

but apparently maybe they still are. She's married to Prince Harry, whose mother was Princess Diana, and she was killed in a car crash. And they had a TV channel baby. Right. They call them Archie Well. We covered them a lot.

Yeah. She wrote a letter to Pelosi and Schumer the people in the Congress saying she advocates for maternal parent care, whatever they're called, leave. It's a very, which I I don't know, what do you think about that endorsement?

I'm a little taking aback there. I mean, it's like, it's gross. Yeah. It's like, I can't think of a worse messenger. It's like, it's like, it's like I don't need the Queen of England chiming in like, you know,

how many days off, sick days i get right you know if i if i want if i get bronchitis i gotta ask the fucking you know the prince of monaco leave say the fuck out of american and then i'm reading this article and and she's oh the tabloid the british tabloids are going after making miracle again and this time they're making you know for no reason for making a baseless claim that she should stay half american politics for no yeah because she's part of the british royal family i don't care she grew up in l. right who gives us shit she's a i you chose you choke was your side and it was Britain

and then you left it but you don't we don't just take you back we don't and she's only writing it and getting the publicity because she's part of the royal family right nobody was going to listen to the you know the actress from from fringe from that episode of fringe one episode of fringe don't sell you friend she was from suits right

I'm just saying why isn't Megan Markle talk about you know how me getting you know I want my job to give me orthopedic work boots when I work at the butcher. Can Megan Markel help me with that? Are you, are you now the OSHA? Is she OSHA? Stay out of our business, Megan Markle. So did Pelosi have a response to this? She probably had poached eggs with her

and said, you know, she loves, she wants to donate to the Archie Well Foundation. These people are all crooks. Whatever happened to like, you know, fighting the British, we're keeping them off our turf. I'm, I like, I like, just stay. You come back. You have. You, you're, like, you come back. Now you're making Netflix docs And you're crying to Oprah just Don't tell them I don't care if you're right I don't care if I agree with you

I don't want to hear from her She wouldn't even let her own dad We might want to move to England at some point So I want some influence She's not very popular in England This is the one The British are the ones that are going after These tabloids

No that's true Yeah you're right This will probably make us more popular This is our love letter to Britain, this podcast. You know who really burns my crumpets? This Megan Markle. Who does she think? She's a real cunt in the British sense.

Yeah, I can't do a British act. What's a British phrase? She really thinks she's the, the Thomas's English muffin. She really, she really thinks she's the, she's the Beatles. The British people like the Beatles? Well, no, now they, now they, it's old to them now, I think. It's old to everyone. We got it like a week after later.

Still new to me. I don't know. I mean, do you think Harry's going to, what do you think Harry does all day? You think he just plays Xbox? Yeah, what is he doing? I mean, did he pen this with her? Or is it just her going out on her own? I mean, look, I'm sure he like, you know, she showed them on the iPad.

Look, walk, honey. and he's like playing call of duty calling some kids some whether we're colonial racist term they used and you know but when you were occupying India back in the day British and you know calling him a polywag or whatever Is that going to get his banned? I don't know is that a real slur I think it probably was at some point

Yeah maybe uh he's like yeah it's fine baby it's fine And then uh what's our kid's name again I forget Oh Archie well No he's saying no yeah no no That's just something he's asking his wife I don't care what it was It was a point He doesn't know his own kid's name

That's what I'm trying to say Anyway But Here's the thing These people can all have their parental leave You know Two men A man and the woman

You know A man who's got a wife Whose pussy's been torn apart And half And he's gonna bomb with the kid They want to bomb with the kid right That's fine I say we give it to everyone, but I want it to, and I don't want to have a baby.

Now, do you want, under what circumstances would you take it? I think everyone should get, uh, once every three year, maybe you average it out based on your, on your workplace, like the average amount of babies get born in a five years span, you get X amount of, uh, but let's just say recess every five years. Every five years you get three months and, uh, You can just, you know, have leave and... Well, maybe it's the kind of thing where you can get, you can get a, you know, bereavement time if you're, you know...

Because I kill my kid's dead. Because you can claim, you know, you could claim temporary infertility or permanent infertility and you can just mourn your dysfunctional body, you know. Okay. Here's a practical idea. What if everyone gets paid rent to leave, but you can take it in advance? so I can take my leave now

and then when my kid comes you know just leave him to his own devices I like I don't need to bomb with the kid it's not that he's kind of a weird kid he's you know he's baby so I'm going to be playing Xbox and smoking you know PCP with a prostitute

or you and uh and then like when the kid comes you'll just be like you know just leave him at a McDonald's to playland is that workable that could work um i mean why is why don't we just what is what is what is it what is it with child care these days why do we need so much like money for why can't we just get like the ratios these people have you should have one trained person should be able to watch like 50 kids

i don't like oh it's like a one to five ratio you you put him in a circle and then he's kind like you know oh it's milk time and he's kind of go around you you want you get milk you place where people drop off their newborns to be nursed by one, one person? No, I don't, I don't mean like one breast, like some poor woman's got, like, you know. You drop off the kid, you drop off a big bag of milk, whatever you could squeeze it out. Okay, so we're providing, I thought it basically random milk, but okay, we can, you can provide your own milk. And that gets complicated, though, because then you do need, like, a one to five ratio or whatever. I'm talking about, you get a sort of like a postmate's thing going, where you get a,

You get a big, you know, bladder of milk out. And then the postmate's person comes by and drops it off at the playland. Yeah, but I'm picturing this. Because this country's not getting any better, all right? Can we stop pretending? Like, we're already basically, everyone's like, forgive student loan debt, right? Okay, what's that I mean? We're probably not going to have a bunch of kids going to college anymore if we do that.

And either way, it's like it's not going to either go to college probably. Don't quote me on it, but maybe don't go to college, right? Because there's no jobs, right? And everyone's $300,000 in debt. and we're going to be working minimum wage jobs and it's going to be horrible. So how about we stop pretending like this kid's going to Yale, all right?

And we just have a giant vat of milk on the second floor and you just have a funnel and the like, you know, tubes come down and you're putting the kids, and everyone's drinking the same milk, right? And it's just a big industrial, like the matrix, but with milk. All right?

And then when you need to hug a kid, You just get a bunch of You give them a doll Like a blow-up doll Like a blow-up doll But we start making a blow-up dolls Something that looks vaguely adults Like a...

Yeah Something that's bigger than the kid Yeah, something that looks like Urquil From, you know, family matters or something, whatever Like something kids like I mean, I don't foresee any developmental issues falling out of that And then you yell at the kids

When you need to, you know and you just fucking go, I! I! Stop spitting. You have a milker, you have a hugger, you have a yeller.

Yeah. And then maybe an educator. Maybe a spitter. Somebody just spits with the kids. We don't do spanking, but we do spit. Now, we've checked him for diseases. We think he's fine.

We didn't actually get a blood test or anything, but, you know, he says he's fine. And just, if your kids start crying, I mean, what happened there? Wouldn't that make these kids stronger? I mean, I think it would definitely give them more issues, but, you know. What issues, though?

Like, they're not going to, like, you know, whine about... Here's the great thing. The type of cheese they get, Whole Foods. Here's a good thing. They'd all have issues with the same small group of adults. Yes, and then you go to the same thing. Yes. I think a lot of the time when trouble starts is when people's issues start clashing.

This person has daddy issues. This person has mommy issues. They're clashing. They don't understand each other. But this head way, they can all go, oh, you were hurt by the spitter? I was hurt by the spitter. Yes. And we follow the, like, this is your unit, right?

This is forced, by the way. You don't get to opt out of this now. I'm deciding that now. And like, it's a child mill or kennel or like a dog. Because this is going to make health care possible. Because now those people are going to be the people you're in therapy with. That's your group therapy. If you start hitting your wife, they're the ones in your group.

If you start, you know, drinking too much, you know, what's something that people drink too much? Alcohol? Whose lines anyway? It was improv. Alcohol. You know, you start doing heroin, whatever. I'm saying this is your group. You talk about killing yourself.

Get the group together. Someone gets cancer. We all, someone's, you know, we play Russian. We love to give them a cancer. kidney. This is going to revolutionize child care, adult care. Rearing of children. Yeah.

Yeah. And, you know, the spittery is like, you know, like in the 1980s, the U.S. hockey team, right? Remember the miracle on ice? Right. Herb Brooks was a real prick because he had these guys from Boston College, I think it was, and the other one, I don't forget, Minnesota maybe, and they all hate your rivals, they hate each other. So he was the prick.

he made him do all these crazy things and that and then they became they all came together to hate him right that was his plan great coach and they know this is what i'm doing i got the spitter the spitter is going to unite these kids now do they at some point do the kids at some point get reunited with their parents uh yeah this is like you go home every day this is just this is just like 14 hours of your day okay i mean you don't sleep at this place right it's uh it's It's like the kind of place you go, but then you go home to whoever dumb bed you have, you know, your parents get to see you.

I'm not kidnapping the kids. But, you know, we're like, oh, we have to have help, you know, child care. What do you think your expensive thing is going to be doing? You don't think they're spitting on the kids, but they're not doing it a cohesive way. You're going to have some fucking, you know, guy who claims he went to, like, Vassar, right? And he's like, oh, I have a degree in child psychology. And that kid starts, you know, calling him, you know,

old or saying you smell he'll spit in the kids he'll all spit on kids that's the problem but they don't do it but with our method right you have a common enemy this is this is this is you need everyone needs a villain and and you know the problem is the my lot of kids they have these bullies in their life and then they whine about the bully and the boy oh and they can't do anything about it and they fix it on for years this is more of like a haunting phantom because he'll wear a mess He looks like that guy in Pulpiction. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. So, like, it's not going to be someone he can, like, look on Facebook and go, oh, he's doing well. It's just, he's wearing, like, a leather bondage mask, but a big holes cut in his mouth. So you don't know who he is. So you know, he's like, oh, like, he got married with a beautiful woman. He's got three kids. And I'm, you know, I'm not doing that well. He bullied.

I thought I would do well after being bullied. You know, he'll go through these things. Yeah. But the spinner's not going to be doing well on Facebook. That's true. No, the spitter's not going to be showing barbecue pictures with his bondage mask on. I mean, he might, you know, have his own personal account. I can't tell him not to, but.

In fact, we could require that the spitter be sort of a eunuch, you know. Well, I mean. He exists in an isolated role in society. Look, here's the thing. We tell it to the parents. And when I tell him to the spitter can do this, it's like, look, I do whatever you. I just don't want to hear about it. I don't want to find out.

Hey. You date people, you have a family, you know, you have, you need to take off. Don't let me hear any of it. If I find out you that you're, you know, having sex of anyone, you're done, right? Right. Like, what's that, like, you know, see no evil hear, that kind of thing. And we just get a spitter. Yeah.

How many spitters do we need? I mean, maybe two per 50 kids. yeah how are they spitting on schedule you think well I don't think it's well I don't know we wanted to just be regular spitting times I think it's it's a response to misbehavior right but also sometimes

it's random because you need that it can't just be because you need the haunting element if he's only spitting on you when you did something wrong then it's like there's not going to be any psychological issue And we don't want a ton of it. I'm not saying all day, every day, spit, spit, spit. But, like, you know, sometimes you've got to be like the kids are making his bed, even though they don't sleep here, I said, but whatever.

Or he's organizing his toys in a very good way. And the spitter comes over and goes, Buh. And just for no reason. Yeah. And the kids are confused. And that's what makes him successful later on. Is that he has this deep weird shame, so that's confusion.

But it's not, the kid's not being molecular. We're replacing the molesting and the rape and the touching and the depriving of food and stuff. We're just spitting. It's a cleaner thing. Right. We're assuming it's cleaner. I don't get it. I don't get their blood.

But, you know, hopefully they're not spitting like, you know, hepatitis on these kids. Now, what if the kids rebel? What have they joined forces and rebel against this sort of like, I don't know. like home alone we talked about you know eight eight couplet of adults who are watching after them and spitting on them but i imagine i imagine they would do what i would do a bunch of kids you know the rebellion i mean so physically rebel yeah yeah i mean i'm not going to see her go hey i'm going to hit a bunch of kids but i mean do you think a bunch of kids are like who's the winning going to fight me or a bunch of kids what do you think it depends on how many 50 kids

fit well we're not um these aren't like i mean look 50 16 year olds maybe i couldn't take 56 maybe yeah but what are these like five years old i think 55 year old sure yeah yeah that's true you probably could i mean they get spit on all the i mean no one's spit on me so what what are they gonna do yeah your self-esteem is up here yeah there's is down here i'll just fucking spit to my side and they'll go and they'll start crying shit themselves that's part of the gimmick too now they also part of this is also i have a a team if I ever want to do a heist. These kids grow up and later I send a spitter out to collect them.

It was time to come back to the fold. We got a job to do. And these kids are 18 and they come rob a bank with me or something or kill, you know, kidnapped the Pope. You know, you get a bunch of people who kidnap a Pope. If you're kidnapped the Pope from the Vatican and you have to be organized and, you know, a lot of people like, you know, watching, different, you know, corners and, like, you know, spotters.

Yeah. I mean, that would be good for subduing, you know, rebellion, too. It's just knowing that you're going to be part of this elite force when you get older. Elite, yeah. That's a motivation. Oh, yeah. We're going to tell them that we work for, you know, a secret government agency. And these are actually high level.

But it's really just, I'm running a little mafia. Right. Yeah. I'm using these kids to like final drugs, you know, I'm not putting the drugs in them, but, you know, like, we're in the backpack. But what's going to happen? Yeah. Anyway. Speaking of kids, do we, Halloween's coming up.

And you're a big fan of Halloween, right? Love it. You enjoy the, uh, the pump, the circumstance. I mean, what's your, what's your Halloween thing? The fancy dress. The fancy dress. I mean, do you enjoy trick-or-treaters coming to the doors? I love trick-or-treaters coming to the door.

One of the things that I regret, one of the things that I don't love about living in the city in an apartment building is that, you know, you don't get kids coming to the door. That's why I'm bringing it up, yes. So knowing how much you love, I spill on myself. Knowing how much you love Halloween and those little spooky kids.

what do we can we get some not in any weird way again this is not I feel like whenever you're about to say it could only be a weird way that we do this I know we just talking about the spit that's a separate thing it's a business I run I'm not the spitter's hang out my house

in my apartment you know we're not watching the game together you know that guy that guy I have I have a you know a limited liability company that the spitter is operates under so he's not on my house with the kids, these kids, don't worry about it. But can we get kids somehow into a trick-or-treating situation?

How does this work? How can we get kids? How can we sort of funnel them to our door? Can we set up a candy station outside of our apartment on the street? Is that weird? If I'm dressed up like Colin Powell or maybe Prince Harry, and what would you want to be this year? Well, no, I can't be Megan Mark.

actually. No. I can't be calling by it probably. Oh, yeah. No, none of it's works. Prince Harry and you, Alec Baldwin and whatever. I could be Kate Middleton.

Do you want, okay, sure. You could be Ali Baldwin. I could be Kate Baldwin. I could be, like, Gary Glove or Rust, Alec Baldwin. Oh, Russ, Alec Baldwin, for sure. That's going to be, uh, I just tell people on Wider up. Now, we're outside the apartment. We got a big sign that made out of cardboard, right?

We look like sometimes, the way sometimes homeless people who are banking look, you know, not to disparage them. But, you know, we write in a marker, you know, we live in an apartment, but this is, we want, but here is candy for you. Or do we need to establish it more. I'm saying, I want to do, why can't we do this?

Why can't we just be a stop on the candy route? You could, you could form, we could do this. We could form a candy express outside of the apartment buildings. I mean, maybe, I feel like we would need a more fun delivery system. I've, I mean, maybe we can. I've never been to jail. I mean, I have been, not prison. That's an assurance.

Not prison. You need that. Yeah. But, you know, you could do, you could. I won't try to touch you. Should I write that? That's maybe less assuring, but sure. Maybe that's right.

No touch candy. only thing they get in touch but then they won't think they can touch the candy all right big letters only thing gets touched is candy by you that's like a big leg that's the headline

of our like a lemonade stamp picture of lemonade stand right and it was like two it's like two apartment dude now uh candy from a

what do you call people in apartments candy from tenement dwellers. Yes. That doesn't work, but yes. We could... How do we express this to be? I want...

Okay, how about this? We fill, we get a bunch of small balloons. Yes. And we fill them with jello. And as we, you know, well, we could kind of put the mix in there and then the water and slowly it would consolidate into kind of jello substance.

I assume, And then as the kids pass, we could kind of start throwing the balloons to them. And, and... This is, like, what you find when you autopsy, like, an undocumented person and, like, what happened? And, like, you find a balloon inside them. And it's like, it's got a weird jelly. I've seen this. I've literally seen this.

We can't do that, Lucy. I want to have a bunch of old candy. Old candy. No, old time. candy. I want to have Raisin Nets. Those are old, right? Yeah, I think those are sort of all time. Sugar daddies. But like

set it up like that guy from the Gwley Wonka movie was like, I'm the candy man. But you said, I'm wearing like a pink, like a kind of like a candy stripe outfit. And I'm sweating. And I'm like, I'm wearing an old fitting suit. Or I'm in the costume.

Whatever. I'm wearing a garbage bag. What's our, like when we're barking these kids now. You're a more personable person than that. How do we get these kids taking our candy? Well, I think it would be good. Okay, let's say we make it a challenge. Yeah. Because kids like a little challenge. You could dress up

like... Think you better than me? Hey, Hey, Vin Diesel. He's dressed up like the Vin Diesel character. Hey, Vin Diesel, do you think it better than me? No, she's not too furious. Now, Paul Walker's dead. You could dress up like death metal

Batman. Okay. And be sort of guarding the candy. I could go to them in sort of like a, I don't know, a pippy long stockings costume. They're going to call me fat Batman all day. It's just going to be nonstop. Hey, fat Batman. You lean into that.

You lean into it. It's just like, it's repetitive at that point. If you could steal fat Batman's candy. Why can't just be the penguin? Then you'll be the King of Halloween or the Queen of Halloween. You be Batman, I'll be the penguin.

I'll start vomiting all over the plane. Like, you know, remember Batman returns, how gross the penguin was? I'll be spitting a bile. right? Yeah.

And then we yell to the kids like, you know, I bet you wish you had our candy. And if they get it, then they get a little McDonald's crown. Hope you don't, hope, hope, hope, hope nothing happens to your kids because you wouldn't give them candy. Hope they lived through the night.

It's spooky. Yeah, I mean, more threatening than spooky. Take our candy or all kidnap your kids. That's a really, really cute kid. Hope nothing happens to him. You want a sugar daddy? I don't know. I mean, I'm doing this for you.

Yeah. Because I don't, when a kid comes to you, like, dressed up like a, like Superman or whatever or a princess and they're smiling and they're taking candy, I feel nothing. Really? Yeah. You don't like seeing them in their little costumes? They're just greedy little pigs. And you see, you get the good candy and they see you have a good candy.

candy and they're like oh it blows their minds we don't have the good we don't have the good candy we would get the good candy like the big bars we're gonna be the big bar people like the people who live on like you know in the rich towns we could be the big bar I once went trick-treating in a rich town and they gave us big bars but we're not I guess we could afford that yeah we can totally I mean it's not it's not it's not it'll hurt it's gonna put a debt in our savings but we'll do it we get a sam's club membership what if we hand them uh uh like chocolate bunnies that would be big chocolate like what are we like a check what if we hand out chocolate like like like molds of me right like my like my gun hands and like can we

make comp chocolate yeah i i don't want to be good that's not a bad chocolate name comp comp i just want like i want i want i want like things shaped of my head that can you know pressure it can or his parents and they say, Take this head of chocolate. What's a common village? Shut up. Before the spitter gets you.

We're going to be hosting Thanksgiving this year we just found out. Yeah. My parents and my brother. You excited about that? Very. I'm a little concerned. Because we're in the middle of a food charge,

apparently. You know, there's a, there's been a discussion that you know you can't get turkeys but you won't be able to get I mean I'm going to try you know pre-order a turkey like it's a fucking pair of yeasies but I don't know if we're going to get it so we need to come up with some stuff we're going to do

for Thanksgiving you know think outside the box I don't want to do like a you know a bake ziti I don't you know I want to do my typical boiled ground meat um what's something nice we could do

we could do we could do a sort of we could do a ratatooie what the hell's a ratatooie I know it's a movie it's a vegetable dish it's a nice kind of spirally vegetable dish with every vegetables

I'm working up to the main I'm starting with the sides because you never run out of zucchini think no I don't like the track you're on think more chalupa yeah something something more you know ethnic or indigenous.

Look, chalupas are great. Nobody wants a chalupa on Thanksgiving. Chalupas are indigenous. I mean, isn't part of Thanksgiving being indigenous? Well, is it? Wait, chalupas are indigenous to the U.S.? I don't know. I mean.

You don't think we're like a... Mexican, you think? Yeah, I thought so. That's racist. Uh, I don't know. It doesn't have to be like people, Italians make a chicken catch a Tory or turkey catch a tory, don't they? Yeah.

So what can we do differently? We could get some ground chicken. I'm thinking we could. And sort of mash it into the mold of a, of a, or ground turkey and mash it into the mold of a turkey. What about Popeye's chicken? We just rind up some Popeye's chicken bone it all into a kind of a slurry. And we add some garnish.

We add some avocados because that's nice. And, you know, turkeys are like, they're too big. We don't, you know, there's a thing. I don't know where these. turkeys even come from but the chickens i feel like they're going to be more uh populace right yeah so we just we just serve a slurry of uh and cream spinach maybe we'll mix some cream spinach into it yeah i don't know get some big slap bacon can we do bacon can we do a pork belly for thanksgiving because everyone's going to be buying turkey maybe we just buy a pork belly

yeah we should probably just get everyone drunk would you a drink would you do a drink with my parents? Yes, for sure. What was the drinking game be? We could do... Drink if you have diabetes. Do you do flip cup with them? That'd be nice.

Yeah, no, I don't want to do flip a cup. Yeah. Should we get a stripper? If there isn't going to be a turkey, then yes. It's a man, a guy for, of course. Yeah. Big juicy cock. And he's just fucking wave going to run.

Why not one each? One cock for each of us? No, one guy. One guy, one girl. Oh, okay. Has anyone ever done that, the guy and girl combo? I think he's probably been done. And you suck him one off and the other ones, you know, eating your ass.

Is what we were picturing? Yeah. Nice. What, what's, what, we should be during dinner? We have this fucking guy pulling his cock out during dinner. It is the plan? He comes out of the slurry. Like the way some strippers come out of a cake,

he comes out of our Popeye's chicken slurry. We don't have a bat that big, so he's where we're going to do. No, he's what we're going to do. We're going to say, hey, everyone, close your eyes for a second. All right? We got a surprise. And then a few minutes seconds later, we're going to open them. And they're going to be, he's going to still be doing it.

These guy with his big cock hanging out, just like ladling slurry onto his body. body. Who's hungry for Thanksgiving cock? Slurry cock. And I said, I yell with him because, like, no, it's supposed to be slurry. You say, not cock. That was the line I gave you.

Yeah, I think it sounds nice. Yeah. Just a fucking, this trip. And you get two of them, right? And they start fucking each other while we're eating. We're stuff in our faces. These two people are having sex. And then he's yelling at her.

and we're starting to get concerned because like he's going like shut the fuck up you know don't be such a fucking whining bit and I'm looking at you going like do they know each other is that cool

should I step in here and then he's like and then she's like you ain't shit this dick ain't shit this is this part like the gimmick or they and then he's just fucking

you know and the calm it's great I don't know what are we talking about all right uh you got any of plug uh you well yes you do yeah you look you get the patreon extra episode every week you sign up the links in the description and uh you know they come out this comes out Monday the Patreon comes out Saturday

so if you want to sign up do that whatever have a great week Thank you.