Kump - Ep. 157 Prime Time Minister

Episode Date: November 10, 2023

Ray and Lucie discuss The British Prime Minister, Kendall Jenner, and much more. Sign up at https://www.patreon.com/RayKump for an extra episode every week! Follow Kump on Twitch https://www.twitch.tv/raykump Kump Hand Merch https://bonfire.com/store/kump/ Follow Ray on Sound Cloud https://on.soundcloud.com/QbP8

Welcome To come No video again You know why? Oh you all saying this bastard his bastards just give his video him and his wife

the gal of anything across dumpsters in Europe well guess what I'm dying imagine imagine I was dying what do you have AIDS good old AIDS

I'm not fancy I can get AIDS oh I got you plagues I can give us a health warning now they can give us a warning now they can give us a warning Like, you know, you have to, you can't get misinformation anymore. You have to really have AIDS if you say you have AIDS.

If you say you have AIDS, we'll put you with a fucking jail. See how I self-muted because this is the YouTube show and they don't let you curse. You can lie about having AIDS, but you can't say the F word. Don't say either F word, but you can lie about having sex with Harvey Munk who died of eight. You didn't die of AIDS. No, he was shot. He died of a gun. Why am I laughing about it?

I don't know. It's funny that I confused it. Right? Yeah. A little bit, yeah. It's my own ignorance. It's one of those sitcoms where I'm... No, I'm not making fun of gay men.

I'm lambasting ignorance. By using the F word. Right? I'm punching up. Yeah. Or down. What am I doing? You're probably...

punching to the side. Punching inside of ass. Punching ass. It's closed fisting. Welcome to the show. We're back. We almost got divorced. We're getting so mad.

What? About the Apple News wasn't worried. The I cloud wouldn't sign in. We couldn't transfer our devices. We almost got divorced. Yeah. We were screaming. We made it through, though.

Yeah. They're right. The first year of marriage really is the hardest. You fucking bitch. There are people who say that the first year of marriage is the hardest, and they don't even have a podcast. Right. Losers.

Yeah, well, when we have friction is when we record a podcast, or you asked me not to leave my cheese lying around. Can you not leave your cheese all over the goddamn floor? And I say, why don't you let me be? Just let me be. I'm a bumblebee. I'm going to kill myself And then you'll see

Just let me be I put a bullet in my head I'll jump off a roof until I'm dead And then you'll see I'll go to sleep in the trash And then I'll swallow a bunch of glass And then you'll see You should have let me be

I'll have sex With an animal A vicious killer animal It tears my colon apart Imagine Imagine what I try to have a second of a bear And just raped me until I was dead And then you're sitting there and like

Oh I said shouldn't have bothered her in bad cheese Should have bothered my husband so much That would be good revenge Yeah Also better than Grizzly man Yeah He was just trying to hang out with them But you

You're trying to get fun I'm trying to fuck You're trying to find Wow Do you think a bear would attack you Have you tried to have sex with it Yes We're talking about

I don't think if we can pew I was trying to have sex with How would I signal I'm trying to have sex with a bear Assuming that it understood Do I play Barry White Assuming that It understood you were trying to have sex with it

Do you think it would be angry about it? I don't think it understands things In those concepts In those terms Bears are smart than a lot of people give them credit for. They don't know what sex is, though. They're smart enough to, like, you know.

Oh, I think bears know what's sex is. They're smart enough to not eat a poison apple, but they're not strong enough to know like the abstract notion of sexes. They just know, like, their dicks inside something when it feels good. Yeah. They don't know, they don't know symbols in that way.

The Carl Jungianian, one of his symbols. Look up man and his symbols. Well, first of all, I just looked up bear communication. Oh, these guys, you believe someone with that website? some guy who started a website called bear community bearsmart.com I'm going to list anything he says. This is the first person I'm going to trust. I'm going to trust him the least.

He's probably trying to start like bear sex clubs. They can identify an individual divulge its sex and age. So they can say ASL. They do well in an AOL chat room in 1995. If they know that, I think they know what fucking is. First of all, call it making love. Don't be so crass. Don't be so disgusting.

Jesus. It's not because of the censors. This is your lady. Right? Can you have a lady, please? Second of all, you know, a bear can know it feels good to have its, you know, penis inside of a, you know, kangaroo. Doesn't mean it made a conscious choice. They're not smart, Lucy.

They're dumb. So you wanted to go. What did you want me to do? I don't know. Some kind of Freud. thing? Look up man in his symbols. It's not for it.

It's Carl Young. Look at the actual popular cover with the pictures on it. What is this? Okay. There you go. The fourth one from the left. Oh, no.

All the way left now. That, that. Look how an obnox that is. One of those can be a bear having sex of a kangaroo. Oh, there's a fertility. Oh, this is one of those fertility symbols, right? I guess.

The woman with a tiny woman with big tits. All right. If you can boil every culture down to like, you know, well, why is everything got big tits? Yeah, I get it. Well, I think it's fair for their fertility symbols to have big, big bosons. Women are just, what was I said that women before? I was making some claim about women before. Has it trashy or something?

That's something to say. Anyway, go on. There's a snake. on there. Welcome to the show. What do you think the snake means? I think the snake means, you know, it represents, you know,

taking a dump. Because sometimes you take a big dump and it's like a snake coming out of you. Do you don't feel that way? You're like, when you're taking a dump, like a really big dump, you don't fantasize about being a snake that's uncoiling around your insides.

Why not? I don't know. I don't imagine it that way. Why don't you imagine things in whimsical ways like me? if I ever have a kid I'm going to tell him this what's happening oh god that would be horrifying

you take a dump as when the snake comes out oh that's terrible yeah why what's so scary about that that would give me so many nightmares if I heard that as a kid so you usually because you think of snakes a state curled inside you while you were because you got dump in the morning

and I don't remember as a kid I remember as an adult and getting more regular right you'd hear like I remember as a kid watching George Carlin and he'd be like you take two good chits a day and that's all you can hope for right some quote like that

you know and what I remember being like two shit you take two shits a day like it's a regular thing but then as an adult I take one usually maybe two point is I was surprised by how regular but yeah I don't know if kids will relate when I tell my kids

that my kids that every morning because that's what I take it's not in the morning every night snake curls inside your asshole I guess if it was presented as like this is normal it wouldn't scare them that much

no I would because why does it ever kill people sometimes I'll say sometimes trick my kid I'll deceive him what's the big deal everyone I'll have kids I'll keep the human race going

but I can't I can't fucking lie to them I can't tell them weird weird things I'm not going to like screw them People are very selective about I'm not going to less my kid They can tell him you tell him about Santa Claus But I can't tell him a snake's inside him Why

Why do any different Why are you tell him he's eating the body of Christ But I can't tell my son That he's a snake crawled inside him While he was sleeping And it comes out when he takes a dump But you can tell him he's eating God You kidding me?

What are you? mind? It probably is less... You're thinking about let you tell me what I say to my son when you tell him that he's eating the body of Christ? It probably is less harmful than telling them they're going to hell. Right? Hey, if you ever have sex of a man, you're going to hell, little boy.

Now, as a little boy, you probably shouldn't have sex with anyone. Definitely shouldn't. I'll go that far. So I'll never say that to my son. You go to the hell because you have sex. You got... I'll tell me if he had sex as anyone. Before the right age.

I'm going to treat my son Like he's my daughter But only in the sense of like If you ever have sex before you're married I'll kill you. You're a whore If more men treat their sons like whores It would be better for everyone

Because they have all these men Like shaming women because they hump That's a good point Because women are a little innately I feel like women are more uncomfortable with sex usually Yeah Because it takes a while to like

Even know what feels good as a woman Yeah, he's always jamming you always as a kid you're always probably jamming stuff in there even as adult old adult women I know we're always shoving things inside them and so how about you take it easy they they think like men didn't have to figure it out you know it's like you know when I first learned how to do it I had to like finesse it and use you know less fingers how many fingers were ideal ultimately three not five that's interesting I would have thought yeah because you every time I imagine I imagine it more of a

fist a whole fist effort you picture you're some guys just shoving his whole ham fist around it yeah and just shaking like a goddamn like a maraca look like a latin-american maraca you really have a low opinion of men you think we just shove a bunch of jerkins in our hands and play maracas all day which maybe some men do but i'm not big on creams I don't need to I don't use a whole fist all right I have a light touch

people think I have a heavy hand but a light touch I got a heavy hand but a light touch this is a song about jerking by using the three

is it I don't use jergins while jerkin by using the three is it sort of is a trinity Follow the sun, the Holy Ghost. Right, three ism. Yeah.

Are you kind of simulating a feminine hand? No. Okay. No, it's just a light type. It's just, if you, it's microreactions, I think. It's micro adjustments. I think, like, the same way, like, that, like, a robot can never simulate a man sucking. Mm.

Stuck in a dick. It also couldn't simulate me jerking. There's too many micro adjustments going on. Wait, it's a known fact. A robot could never simulate a man sucking a dick. Maybe a woman. Yeah. It's just like slop, slop, slop, slop.

If a man was going to suck a dick, though, he'd just have micro adjustments. Like, like, like, like, like, Roger Federer served could probably have broken down into 100 different data points. A thousand data points. You, you need IBM Watson to, like, to be breaking down my data points of me, my three-finger technique. you know this is this is not you know where I wanted to go with this podcast but you am I going to be backed into a corner by women

I'll never let a woman tell me what to do um you yeah you all you'll think what's the big deal just shoving inside of a meat fist so my point is women just start shoving things inside them all the time and then you know It takes a while to learn for the feel good.

Yeah, I would if you do it that way. I don't think any young woman experimenting starts by shoving stuff inside of her. I don't know. I'm always talking about adult women. Don't even get twisted. I don't talk about kids. Well, I'm not talking about kids either. Now.

So it's good. We're on the same page. Neither of us are talking about kids. We're never talking about kids. But I think you have a good point there because there's a, innate discomfort that some women have to get over but but boys it's like there's no there's no cap on it so it's like you probably well my parents didn't want me having sex my dad wasn't like high five in me if I fist to the girl I'm sure not he's Christian but also there's more more of more

phrases like sewing your wild oats and stuff no he never said that to me he never said to sew your wild oats I think he might he's kind of repressed yeah no he was never one for like you know he He was never like, but you're like to shove it in her, huh, son? I'm like, dad, daddy, daddy don't say that. Nah, it's okay. I'm a dude, daddy, I can say it's shoving inside him. I'm like, that's mommy. That's a little far.

That exchange never happened. My dad never tried to convince me to have sex to my mother. That's a bridge too far, even for you. Well, I really leave that on the table. I mean, like, I don't lie. everything you like if i lie about that people think i'm lying about the other things which are true the eggs and all that stuff oh yeah that's true the eggs are real both the egg thing again yeah you could put the eggs in a memoir yeah what way

memoir be called um you'll all be dead you all be all right oh wow yeah that's actually that was a good weather right oh yeah that was a good poll that's what you shouldn't call memoir that yeah you'll all be dead I was this the guy who blew up the World Trade Center? No, it's a middle and comedian on a podcast. But you'll be, you'll go to jail. Who cares? You'll be dead.

Maybe who cares, you'll be dead. Yeah, who cares, you'll be dead. Anyway, um, maybe we should change, can we change the name of the podcast that? Who cares you'll be dead? That's good. Yeah. Might get, would we get, um, cares. Well, oh, we'll never get.

the algorithm. Yeah. We're never going to have sex with Guy Pearce, beautiful Guy Pearce from Vemento. We're never having a three-year-old with him. Right. We're never going to have a billion dollars. Maybe a million if the inflation goes well. We can maybe get a million if we have horrible inflation.

Yeah. I don't think even a billion, no. And we'll never, we'll never get the algorithm on our side. We are always going to, people will find us in 20 years. and say, these are the people who killed themselves at Times Square who set themselves on fire singing La Bamba?

La Lama! Those people, they had a podcast? I never knew. Why did the algorithm tell me? La La La Bamba! You think if we did that, we wouldn't do the algorithm? Give me the algorithm. Well, I'll jump in, what can you jump into that would burn you?

Um, if I, if I, if I, acid. Yeah. Can we get some, can we get like a dung tank full of acid and say, and like, put ourselves outside of the Apple studios? Apple, the Apple store. Put ourselves in L.A. or whatever, or what's the, what's the big Apple store in New York? Um. So we're in Times Square, probably, right? Yeah.

All right. So we're going to get a dunk take full of acid. I'm going to go the Apple store in time. Times Square, and you're going to be throwing dunking balls at me. And people are going to be, can I play? No. This is my husband. And I'm going to be playing a guitarist.

Give me the algorithm. I want the algorithm. La Bamba. La, la la la la la la da bamba. The algorithm doesn't help us until you get on the problem is you get your, you play softballs a kid, didn't you? I did. And so you're going to get me.

dead in like fucking five seconds how are you gonna die no i wasn't that good how are you gonna die um i don't just have a gun you're gonna shoot yourself yeah don't do that shoot like a shoot i know it's kind of a cop head i know your i know your death is more painful no i want you don't i want you shoot yourself it's selfish me i want you shoot like a rope that will like unleash a cement thing on to you yeah yeah maybe maybe when the dunk tank releases you yeah you're attached to a rope

that has a pulley system that releases the all my fat I'm gonna fall on you like a fat boy good nice one last fat joke before we get divorced we get divorced by death I don't think we're married in heaven or dirt what

you don't say married in heaven that's right because it's until death yeah and then we're fucking other people yeah in the dirt so we we okay I'm kind of curious about

the Christian doctrine on this yeah you die you both die let's say you both die at the same time yeah do you just have no interest in each other in heaven I'll eat in me

in heaven I'm gonna tell everyone you know I used to be married to that bitch Imagine your first day in heaven You see me I'm like Look at this Ain't this the bees

Ain't this the burbs The bees? Look at this bitch What do you mean the bees? Biches That's how I talked to him Heaven He's my heaven friends

Oh Are you trying to impress your heaven friends? Yeah well this is Mark Twain And this is The Unabomber Pegasinski. Sorry, you can't hang out with us. You got a Mark Twain fan anyway, are you?

Oh, what you were. Anyway, Toodles. And then we throw a bunch of garbage at you. No, I'm unheard of you, my wife. I love you. But it doesn't have enough to treat like dirt. Just bully me? Yeah. That's where things at you?

And you'll think he's like, oh, I have a crush on you? No. I've gone off you. No, that's hateful. I hate you in heaven We should make it out of song Would you think I stink If I saw you in heaven

I think we've been bastard Eric Clapton's Dead baby Enough for this year on the podcast People did not react well That clip from that It was pretty mean-spirited I don't know who you think you're listening to We are always capable of making fun of a baby

who jumped out of a window. Yeah. So just in case, I don't want fans who aren't down for that. I don't want fans who are going to be like, oh, wait, that's who we, I thought you guys critiqued pop culture. And also babies who off themselves.

Did that baby counts of suicide? Maybe. It should. It would be funny if they weren't even, they didn't even find a tasteless. They were just like, this is so dated. Why don't you make fun of Kim Kardashian's baby? What did I see of one of the Kardashian bitches?

Oh, um, Kendall Jenner Oh, the Christmas thing. Kendall, yeah, Kendall Jenner was doing a Christmas photo shoot. Do you find it? I think it was, was it was the other, it was Kendall and what's the other, um. Kylie? I think it was Kendall.

The Pepsi girl. Nothing, she lives nothing to the imagination. She strips it all the welcome Christmas season. Click on that. I want to see it all. Push, you like 40 now. Oh, she's wearing skis and you can kind of see her ass, not really. Who cares?

Yeah. So it's Kendall Jenner. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm trying to give people the flavor. It's an audio-only show right now, baby. So Kendall Jenner's not wearing any pants. And she's in a chair, and she's, like, holding her. It looks like she's taking a shit to me. It looks like she's holding her, like, like, and then she's wearing skis, like an idiot.

It looks like she's just like some moron child trying to get attention. Yeah. Look at me, Daddy. he's like put pants on Jesus, what are you doing? Why don't ski's inside? Why is everything the Kendall's do or the geners, whether they are?

There's more on children. Yeah. She's got to have a fucking... She's wrapped up in Christmas lights. Yeah, but this isn't even sexy. No, in case people were mistaking it, there was a shot where you see her ass wrapped up in Christmas lights.

I guess it was kind of hot. But this one, she's just wearing like a big puffy robe and her legs up. Like she's some stupid dancer Some Rockette I'm supposed to look at these Kendall Jenner's lying around Lying around

Oh this one she's wearing her running granny panties That was kind of She's wearing granny panties in a Santa hat Yeah What is this? She took a dump in her underwear And about like Underwear is just weighed down by shit

Yeah I must say it's the least sexy thing ever But it's not the sexiest Her fate There's nothing really sexy about her face It looks she has a dumb look on her face In all of these She looks like a grown-up child, like a child. Like someone who's like, hey, daddy, but she, and then never had to go to school.

She just stayed that way and she's annoying and dumb. She looks like she doesn't understand what she's doing. Yeah. Yeah, she looks like she's handicapped. Yeah. Yeah, what is this? She didn't wear a red robe. She looks like a big fat ass.

Like a fat ass that you wouldn't like. Like a mother's fat ass. Oh, and then this was the close-up of the... It's not right. It's really, and honestly not as hot as it should be. That would be so much hotter if it was like, you know, Cursy Alley. This is why I assume Curselly's ass looks like.

She's dead in there, right? Yeah, yeah, she's dead. What's kind of weird about this is that it's like her, the top part of her ass is wrapped in Christmas lights. And there's kind of like a liquid. It looks like they just threw dirty snow at her. Yeah, it looks like they should have. Yellow snow weather.

Fucking piss bitch. Do you think we get in trouble if we just constantly talk about Kendall Jenner's a piss bitch? Maybe. Kendall Jenner, come fight us. They have a lot of resources. If I...

They could probably destroy us. If I went to... Well, here's the thing. If I went... If we found Kendall Jenner on the street, hypothetically, I don't draw a single fist. Or kick, right?

That's noble of you. But I wear you on my shoulders like Master Blaster. Can I get in trouble? You clearly were assaulted. Do I get in trouble for helping the assault? Is Master Blastering part of, you know, is that a criminal? Assuming you didn't sell me out, I think we'd both be culpable. Oh, I'd sell you out.

The idea is you'd run away. You'd jump off my shoulders to run away, so I'd have to sell you out. But is what I did a crime. Well, like, what they need to sell you out? You better hope not. Lookup is master blastering a crime. What comes up? It did not understand that question.

What the hell is a master blaster, blast, all right. This is, yeah. But we finally stumped Google. I think it would be an accessory to the crime. Oh, fuck. All right. I'll sell you out then. I guess you could argue that, that I just went,

crazy while you were while you were carrying me around i was i was doing a above above uh land lover uh what they call those things this fights chicken fights landlubber chicken fights i was just been a land lover chicken fights uh you know it's not land lover it's land lover that can't be true we didn't know this you know it was land lover this all time jesus christ yeah land the person who loves the land it's a land lover Jesus Christ Redisad to everyone This is a revelation

Lubber is an old term for a clumsy person And beginning in the 18th century Sailors used it to describe a person Who is not a good seaman I got a good seaman So the pirate expression So the pirate expression of scorn For those who don't go to sea

Is not land lover But land lover Yeah All this time he told it was land lover I just stumbled upon that I didn't try to get you wrapped up in that. I'm pretty sure I've seen multiple movies where someone is called a land lover.

Probably written by you. People like you. Don't know shit about pirates. Is landliver a derogatory term? Is this a slur? Can I get a writing job because someone called me a landlubber? You know, Jimmy Fallon called me a landlopper. Motherfucker.

Anyway, moving on. What are these stories we have today? Oh, so this is a big deal. You actually started crying when I, when you were going to show. I did not start crying. A news site shut down. That's right. And when you said this, I said, you mean horror news?

It's not horror news. It's women's news. But what's the name of the website? Jezebel. And what is it, Jezebel? But look, maybe it's ironically horror news. My best one was called the Hooker Post. I would read something called the Hooker Post.

The Prostitute Gazette. I used to read Jezabelle a lot when I was in college. Really? Yeah. What was there a whole thing? Like, you know, he just had to save money on ice pops, shove water in you,

Gash. They're like, well, that's not even cold. Like, whatever. He just wanted to say gash. I remember.

It was very, you know, God. It was, it was like feminist, but gossipy. Yeah. And caddy.

Caddy. Bratty. And at least one of the founders was a big drunk. Oh, really? Yeah. What would she do? I just. remember seeing some interview with like the founders or whatever where where she like

where she was just falling out of her seat just slurring her words she got drunk was he called her she's notcolic it was the day of her son's bar mitzvah you call her a big drunk you want that's probably you know the horror dance where they where they shove they they they carry you in the chair and you just thought she was so drunk let me as well when she's so drunk she's falling out of a chair it was a horror seen a horror? I have seen a horror, yeah. You know what I'm talking about?

Would they pick up the chair when you're in it? Yeah. Yeah. The apex of the bar mitzvah. It's not the apex. What do you think the apex of? The bread, the chala bread. The thing with the chalabred.

The horror is nice. I like the horror. But the horror happens early on. Yeah, but it still seems like the most exciting part of it. Yeah, maybe. They do the candle, I think. Right. That candle's eating bread.

This is something you could do every day. people aren't going to lift you up in a chair every day I'll love you up in a chair right into a meat grinder Anyway What's that guy in the tank doing Oh Jezebel Read about Jezebel

Tell me about this Why is there no market for hookers anymore Rooker News I don't know I don't know why they don't have as many readers Well, read the article. Found in 2007, under the Gawker, I wonder that people who, like, made sex tapes,

like violent rape sex tapes. They did the Hulk Hogan thing, right? Yeah, yeah. Under the Gawker media umbrella, Jezebel pioneered a sharp, dishy coverage that came to characterize many digital upstarts. Its suspension follows woes

at other new media firms. Mr. Spanfeller said he had hoped G-slash-O, What does that mean? Which also publishes sites such as the onion Jalapnik. What's fucking Jalpnik? What is Jolopnik?

Now I'm just confused. What is Jolapnik? Obsessed with the culture of cars. Oh, like Jalopis? What a weird. Can you imagine being a man? Like, what are you reading that in Kelly's Blue Book? No, I write in Jolopnik.com.

I'm a big fucking idiot. It would be able to steer through dark times in the industry But can hold out no longer To Jezebel's model is not mesh with the strategy For its other more niche publications Because there's too many horrors around You can't satisfy them all I didn't make it up

You keep looking at every time I say whore You act like I'm like saying it with glee It's Jezebel You always say Jezebel like a 19th century constable Was Jezebel actually a whore though? Look at that, maybe she was. I thought she was like a witch. Oh, well I'm sorry I didn't realize

it was witch news daughter of Zlockable of Tyre and the wife of Ahab King of Israel According to the book of Kings Jezbel over her husband instituted the worship of bow

Oh okay Oh so she's just like A heathen Wait would she there Was she there? Okay Oh Oh I always thought they were hookers

I bet she would If you gave her enough money She'd bang you Jezebel was not sexually promiscuous, and the word harlot refers to her unfaithfulness. But she's also the harlot, though? To the god of Israel. She's also the harlot, though. She's also the harlot.

Wow. And neither one of them are sex-related. Why didn't make that up? Who do you think calls people of harlots? Not me. She remains faithful toward gods. This is entertaining and enlightening. One because of classical, whatever.

I'll read it on a can later. Well, goodbye, Jezebel. I don't think I remember a single article I read on Jezebel. They did do the whole, like, Louis C.K. They did an early article of the Louis C.K. scandal, though, right? What did they do? Jezabelle.

Weren't they the first ones to be like, some comic is jerking off in front of women? Oh, is that them? Yeah. And it turns out Louis Anderson Hello I don't know that's what I remember them for

And they didn't even really break it Like they were just like Yeah they were just being coy about it Yeah Hey some comics We're jerking it all But we think that's fun Guess who

Oh wait An actual news Organization is going to unearth this Sorry we've teased Whatever this is Jezabel walked So the New York Times could run Do you think Louis C.K.

Should be giving back his crown? His golden crown? Yeah. Yeah, I think we should make him king of Israel. Wow. I don't think that's a thing. I think it's a good consolation for, you know, losing his comedy career. Oh, I mean, he didn't really, but, you know.

He made some money. Losing his stature. He lost a bunch. So you think that, are we giving Louis C.K. The Jews, like, Israel? It'll be sort of like a... He's going to run it? It'll be sort of like the British monarchy.

Like, you know, he has duties, but he doesn't have a lot of, like, authority. His duties? Yeah. But does he have, like, okay, but he levies taxes on him? Yeah, sure. What do you do? He's like, let's go on a hounder. He goes and drinks up like a panda.

He goes. He goes around. He leads the panda march and takes money. Yeah, it goes door to door. The panda march? What was that? I just said, wait, I just said, like a panda, which doesn't even make sense. And then he leaves the panda march.

I don't know. I just started imagining it, like, a big panda parade that he leads. He's kind of like the... So, Israel's going to take... A couple things are happening. Israel, I'm assuming it's still bombing Gaza. Yeah. But they're in their spare time, they've taken up a new mascot, which is the panda bear.

And Louis C.K. Louis C.K. is the king of Israel and the panda. Oh, he is. a panda. Yeah. Is he dressed up like a panda? Yeah. Oh, okay. He wears a diaper. Wow. A panda and a diaper. Do they have a pet? Can you see his face? Yeah. Okay. It's sort of like it has a big hole cut of where the face is. Oh, nice. I like this. Can we get in touch with Louis C.K? I mean, maybe. Would he accept us? I don't want to go to Israel and try to force this on them if he's not down for it. I mean, who wouldn't want to be king somewhere? George Washington.

sassy I should be negotiated for something Do you think it was kind of a bitch move of Georgia Washington and not be king? Yeah. Yeah. We made you a crown already.

Especially considering how the country's turning out now, like, why not just have a king? Yeah, no, this is stupid. No, we're going to keep it going for hundreds of years and it's going to stay normal. No, yeah. Just have a fucking...

I mean, I don't know. I think it was not doing great either. Yeah. Boris Johnson, that clown. Would you, do you think of me and Boris Johnson to the sex tape, it would do well? Oh, yeah.

I mean, I think Boris Johnson's reputation will be carrying most of the, most of it. Wow. I think the fact that you were involved. I think the fact that you were involved would also be important. I guess he is the president of a country,

in Great Britain, which is not nothing. Yeah. Yeah, I guess I guess I got a pretty big opinion on myself. Wait, what I mean? The president of Great Britain's a bit, you know, celebrities bigger than mine for a sex tape. Wait, Prime Minister, isn't it? Yeah, it's basically the president. Same thing.

Same thing. You don't think it's the same thing, basically? Maybe it's basically. You think, like, which, if it's not the same thing, then what's more sexually selling commercial for sex tape? Prime Minister or president? President. Wait, why? I think it just, I don't know, it seems more...

You think you can vote to have a vote no confidence and get him out quicker? Yeah. Well, that's not why. So I just realized that you didn't have no idea that was a thing. You know, wait, you know a vote no confidence with the thing? I know that, I know that it's a thing, but it happens a lot in Britain. It happens enough. Yeah.

It's a threat. I believe it would happen if a sex tape of me and him came out. Right. He was still a prime minister. Which is not, right? Is he right? No, he's not. It's some Indian guy, isn't it?

Oh, right. Oh, right. Yeah, we were talking about this before. This is crazy. Did we talk about this in the pod? Did we? I don't think we did. It is crazy that, like, it's not a bigger news that there's an Indian prime minister.

It's not primers of England, it's Britain. Well, that includes England. Oh, look, same result. Rishi Sunak. This guy Rishi Sunak is the fucking prime minister. This got to be the first Indian guy, right? This came up as a jeopardy clue a couple weeks ago. We were like, what?

The first time, either of us had ever heard of him. Yeah. Does he do that? Like, has he been in the, he must be. He was married in India. Was he born? We go back to her. Let's go back.

But his marriage was in India. He was born in the UK, but he was married in India. This guy's very Indian. Like, not as Indian someone was born there. But more. Indian than someone who's not like you know what I mean like he's got more credo than you would think yeah he's not just the Indian British guy no he's like he's married in India do they usually put put marriage location I mean Wikipedia just wanted us to know

that yeah good point just you know you might want to keep your eye on this guy he was married I was married in New Jersey I think that fact the fact that I was married in New Jersey will hurt my presidential hopefulness Oh, yeah. It should. Yeah. Oh, another Chris Christie here. Fat and married in New Jersey.

43. It's kind of young, right? He's a good guy. Yeah, he is. You should try to get... British leader... Minas going with him. Rishi Sunak marks a year in office with little...

A year in office? He's been in office for a year. This is crazy. No one taught... Is this because, like, they're so progressive or they're trying to... hide it because like that's a big deal like the british raj right they like they ruled over india for years and now he's the now he's like in charge now it's not like india's in charge but i'm

saying it's like a it's a narrative right yeah you would think it'd just be noteworthy right like obama was the first black president they couldn't show about it yeah and i'm not blaming him i mean i don't think he was going to do anything but yes look he's black it's cool yeah yeah we got a black president stuff's gonna happen we don't know what yeah yeah yeah and in India over there I was like oh yeah yeah have some curry do you think uh do you think people get in trouble like saying stuff to him like like what kinds of things what people say to him we I don't know we make it just done in the curry oh it's bill done on the curry he's like hey stop it I'm Indian I'm not dumb I get it

I know what you're doing I feel like he chuckled at that the first time as like a good faith pun yeah and then when I did it again he would be like yeah I remember seeing some movie where it was like I forget who was some Indian guy or a Mexican guy making a joke you know what I call it curry because when you eat so much you have to curry curry to the bathroom

nothing great I mean you're doing the Indian I'm not going to do the Indian accent What is it like a stereotype that you have to shit after Indian food? I've never had that It is very heavy, but no, I've never had diarrhea Yeah That's a good point I mean spicy

It can be spicy if you're not careful We just don't pick spicy things You pick the chama masala I picked the shrimp birani It's not spicy at all usually But you get that chama masala it is very spicy It'll go through you like a gut punch They'll go through you like a pussy punch

The women are going to punch each other right in the in the posse? Oh, I'm sure they have. Yeah. I mean. But in school, when you're going to wear in skirts, you don't know, I'm like a thing. There's a lot of hair pulling. I remember not seeing, but hearing about a couple of fights in high school where, you know, they're like rubbing each other's scalps.

I feel like you shouldn't do that. Hair pulling? Punched. I think if two women, if one woman punched on a woman in the posy, wouldn't that become like a, would that be like a situation? like a sexual situation. Like a rape. If a family had a good lawyer, they could probably do it like. I think a woman's got to be a minefield because if you actually go inside her,

it's like all of a sudden you're doing some, you're doing time. I just lubed up my fist to make them more aerodynamic. Yeah. And next thing I know. You're in jail. You're in a woman's jail. Pretending to be a man. pretending to be man

I did or what whatever he reverses I know men pretend to be women to get the women's drills do trans men ever ever request

being in men's prisons probably not right probably wouldn't be safe no probably not there's something that's a little wrinkle in their logic I think no one wants to be in a man's person

right yeah it's never the best option so what is he So that whole article is about how he hasn't done anything. Yeah, it marks a year in office with Little to Celebrate. It really is just like, hey, podcasters, move along. Don't pay attention to this Indian, man. I'm charged.

UK Prime Minister Rishi Sunak marked a year in office on Wednesday with Little to Celebrate. As wars on the international stage make a grim backdrop to his domestic challenges. Are they British Wars? Yeah. On top of that. I don't think you usually call that against the Prime Minister unless he's Indian. Right. Like, well, there's a lot of wars going.

We're not involved. I just got this. I just outlawed the law, though. Or whatever they do. On top of that, another year seems to be haunting for his conservative party, 1996. What does this have to do with 1996? This is some kind of weird sci-fi story? Many conservatives fear of the party faces the same fate in an election.

That must be called by the end of 2024. The Conservatives trail between 15 and 20 points behind labor and opinion polls. The gap has barely moved since the next year and off. They're afraid. They're afraid it's going to be like Tony Blair coming to power with new labor. Remember Tony Blair? I remember Tony Blair is so smart.

It's much more eloquent than George W. Bush. But also dumb. He thought he could hide behind George W. Bush's cowboy persona. And everyone called him out as being a fucking idiot who got involved in the dumb war. Right Maybe he's getting paid off So you don't care

But Tony Blair was such a smart I mean I love to listen to that guy talk You should play James Bond Really? What did you Like speeches? I used to watch as a kid You don't believe I watched Netanyahu

I watch Tony Blair I'm like C-SPAN Huh They'd just be talking Yeah And making speeches I'd watch them And you and you

And you were sitting there You know eating Cracked eggs Whatever you did as a kid reading Jezebel eating cracked eggs I'm opposite there watching Tony Blair That's why I know things Anyway next door

Oh here's this thing This thing you do bring up this phone thing You would try to tell me about Oh yeah This is interesting Can AI and lasers cure our smart What does this mean? Don't we have a subscription

to New York Times because I got the crosswords. Yeah. But it's, you seem very skeptical of this story. What's a bunch of, I can a laser replace a smartphone? How about no? Am I going to buy Green Day tickets on a laser?

I just bought Green Day tickets like a moron because they're playing with Ransson and the Smaschen Pumpkins at Shea Stadium or the city field. Humane, a five-year-old artificial intelligence startup founded by former Apple designers, Imron Chowdry and Bethany... Bonjourno,

announced its first product on Thursday, a $699 pin you wear on your lapel. Oh, here's $700. I'll buy the pin. Let's see what it does. Yeah. The Humane AI pin is designed to replace your smartphone, allowing the user to make calls, send text,

and look up information through voice scrolls. Are they calling you mean? Because how many people their factory kills every day? that's what it seems like it seems like they murder a lot of children in the factory it's made out of children's blood there are no wake words so it's not always listening

what there are no wake words so it's not always listening or always recording in fact it doesn't do anything until you engage with it and your engagement comes through your voice touch gesture or the laser ink display Well, I mean, if it needs your voice and it is listening, so what are you're talking about?

People are liars. Yeah. I'm going to go out on a limb and say these people are liars. Uh-oh. I'm looking at night now, the S&P 500 falls for the first time in nine sessions. Oh, God. Are you ruined? I don't know.

I've got to check my stocks. Let's have such a good, good streak of my stocks. Uh, they're not as good as they were, but they're doing fun. I lost 50 bucks, I think. But yeah, we're skeptical, but they do use lasers. Right, but they probably use lasers to burn the children's retinas out. In addition to sending and receiving texts, the device can translate spoken conversations from Spanish to end.

English and vice versa in real time. That you can, like, translate in real time. Read this again. I'm like, I'm distracted by my stocks. In addition to sending. Men's Health Magazine's down to 300 points. My stock in Men's Health Magazine. Oh, no.

Why would you do that? No, it's not really a stock. Who is that kind of asked? Imagine, like, imagine, like, every show was on the stock market. Yeah. I don't know my stock in the mass singer. You should be able to buy stocking shows. Yeah, you should.

And porn. That's actually not about, yeah. Oh, no, my bang bus stock. A man jumped through his death today when his bang bust out cratered after a judge ruled that you can't trademark something as simple as the bang bus. People might want to bang an event any day because he can't stop them. I put all my money in smilf. I'm ruined. Isn't that a show?

It was like, it was a show at one point. Oh, right, yeah. Smilf. Smilf. Dump show name. Stupid shows. All these people, I'm a writer on Smelfth. Go to hell.

Just go to hell. Seriously, just dying of the hell. Idiot. I'm a writer on. What else is stupid? Give me a little Was it Oh, Bob loves

Alioia I'm not right around Bob loves Alyosha Stupid assholes This old industry is dead Why don't you get on board With my thing

What was my thing? What was yours? I had something I Rat Rat You made a You created a game

Recently called rat Oh right But can we explain The rules of rat Yeah I can't Can you? Oh, I remember it, yeah.

Oh, go ahead. So basically the, the, when it's your turn, you come up with a scenario with a question. Yeah. Kind of open-ended question. Can't be yes for now. Right. And you get responses from the other players and judge them.

Do you remember any of my things? It's like if you were, I remember one of my things. Was it one of your things. You're a doctor performing an abortion, and you realize that the feet This is sentient. How do you explain its imminent death to it?

Right. Yeah. That's a rat. Yeah, that's a rat. Yeah. We should really market this. Yeah. Like, you have to kill all your sons.

How do you do it? You're six of them. That's a rat. It's kind of the same as yours. Right. I mean, but they're their sons. Right. They're not feces.

Yeah, they're like big, ugly sons. Fat boys. It's in the post apocalypse if you have to kill your fat boy's son. So you can sell their meat. It's legal now. Don't worry, it's legal. Now I'm managing a man to a fat man holding a gun to another fat man going, this is legal now.

You stand back. This is legal. Anyway Um So this laser No I don't want to buy a child killing laser I'm sorry Lucy Oh damn it

I bought a lot of stock in this Fuck Who's this guy Ben What's this say Ben Gersner We have an historic Obama right now To get everyone into the game of capitalism What does that mean

Too bad we can't play things right now Um We have one last story way to get to, I guess. What's, what's going on with Ivanka Trump? You have his headline. You've been trying to pitch Ivanka Trump to me for days. I say, wait for the podcast.

You've always been a big Ivanka Trump fan. You have like six of Vanka Trump T-shirts. It's just saying it's in Ivanka's world now. You have a mask of Ivanka that you wear sometimes in bed. You make me call you Ivanka. You call me Jared. Anyway, but you're a big fan. Yeah.

So what's the story? So Ivanka Trump testified. She looks great, by the way. She does look pretty good. Yeah. I'm telling you, I don't, it's like, I'm not going to go as far as to say I don't blame Donald Trump for wanting to have sex to his daughter or having sex of her. But I, like, I can say, I get it even because she is his daughter, right? Like, Fletching blood daughter.

But she is an attractive girl. It's the most I can say. Yeah. No, she's a. the pressure is agreeing with her. She has a very good complexion. Yeah. Well, you think you don't think she scrubs her face with porous rocks?

I'm sure she affords porous rocks. Yeah, so she testified. Well, she testified to. What was? It was in New York, right? She just testified? Let's see. Yeah, it was in New York.

It was justified, too. Imagine if she was the, look at that picture of her. Imagine if that was our president. Yeah. She could be a good president. She couldn't be a good president. But aesthetically, it's there. Why would she be, like, why would she be so bad?

Compared to who we could really, you think she'd be a worst president and Joe Biden? Yeah. No. Come on. She's a woman. You haven't had one yet. Yeah, that's true.

You would really betray your gender like that? What if Ivanka Trump won as a Democrat? ran as a Democrat. No, she's going to run as a Republican. No, but if she did run as a Democrat, do you think she'd win the nomination? Interesting point. She'd probably be better than any of the Democrat.

I could think of. Who's going to be her, fat Katie Porter? I mean, especially if she, yeah. I mean, especially if she threw her father under the bus. Oh, yeah. No, she's going to look at this orange cheese doodle man. And everyone's like, yes, queen. Yes.

Yes. I shall have cheese to do with my snatch. And they're like, what, what, what? What are we doing? Is that your dad? Read the story. Ivanka Trump testified. You didn't give me anything on that last bit.

I did. You acted like I said, I said, I'm terrible. No, I liked it. I'm a laugh harder next time. People need to know it. People need permission to laugh at something that crazy. Ivanka Trump testified Wednesday about a 2011 loan negotiation for her father that suggested his true net worth was much lower than what he claimed

on his financial statements at the time. On the witness stand and the $250 million civil fraud trial against Donald Trump and his real estate. Wait, hold on. It's only $250 million. Is he supposed to be worth billions? That's the biggest indication that he's lying. It's like, it's for $250 million.

Shouldn't he be, shouldn't his response be fart that? I got billions, bitch. I mean, I know we tap some of it to pay for all these lawsuits, but, like, he's a billionaire, I thought. The former president's daughter said she had helped negotiate to lower the net worth. Her father was required to maintain in order to obtain a loan from Deutsche Bank

for Trump National Dorel, Dorel? Dorel. Dorel. The golfers ordered in Miami. Yeah, I know it's hard. You wouldn't know just to look at it by hanging out with those, those crew of people. Oh, yeah?

Not the Trumps per se, but the people who go to the row. Yeah. Is that where you got me the golf, the golf ball from? No, that was from Trump National Ralph Course in the Palace Verdez, California.

Oh. Where we ate lunch with other slobs who just came to see the place. There you go on. Ivanka Trump was the final witness called by the New York Attorney General's office In the six-week-old trial There was a turkey club

It wasn't that good I wasn't a fan of a turkey club What was wrong with it? Blah And you know Dry? Yeah it wasn't great You go to a place

A Trump golf course You expect certain level of quality I know with presence I know I know You think I'm joking But I'm not I mean you know I'm not saying he's like

You know It's not the raw childs Right But I mean you know They are It is a high quality brand You know It should be.

Yeah. Dressed in a Navy pantsuit in a white blouse. Seems like relevant information. Ivanka Drumtesting. We're wearing black lace panties under her under a blouse. Dressed like a professional slut. Ivanka Trump testified.

Having a chest smashed down by a bra. So they can't go anywhere. Having a beautiful tuxed. It's not bounce around. Decked out in her finest business fuck attire. Ivanka Trump testified after unsuccessfully challenging a subpoena from Attorney General Tish James. It doesn't seem like she said much of anything. What do you mean?

I mean, it seems like, I don't know. This whole story is for nothing? I don't know. I thought it was the Avonga's Trump story. I thought it was a big deal. I just built up. We just spent 10 minutes building this up. During the cross-examination,

a lawyer for the defense questioned her about Deutsche Bank, courting the Trump family's business, presumably seeking to establish a record that the bank didn't believe it had been defrauded by the Trump's. Yeah, it doesn't really say anything about what she said.

It does seem damning to the case as the Deutsche Bank's like, no, we're good. Yeah. You think Avonga jerked him? No, I got my hand job. We're fine. Why are we having this lawsuits?

It's fine. We don't want the money back. It seems like a weird case. I think Trump's innocent probably. Yeah, it might be a... I do think he lies. He probably lied here. But it seems like this case is not fully one.

Right. Or maybe it is. I mean, the judge did seem to think like it's fine. Just decide damages. They do it. They definitely did it. This woman's a whore. But, um, let's see.

Yeah, I mean, she doesn't look presidential to me, though. I would vote for her for presidents of Israel, at least. She's Jewish now, right? Could she be prime minister of Israel? Oh, did she convert? Yeah, I believe she did. I believe she definitely did with those beautiful tits. Those beautiful tits are Jewish now.

Could they become prime minister Like the husband and wife Prime Minister of Israel? Do Israelis like the Kushners? Is she Ivanka Kushner? Is she Ivanka Kushner? I don't know. If I married Jared Kushner, I'd be Kushner.

Ray Kushner? What do you think? How much money do you think he would pay me to be a Kushner? How much money would he pay you? Yeah. Negative money. What?

He would pay me negative money. He said, here's, if you're going to keep, if you're going to keep, he wouldn't allow you anywhere near his family. Can he do that? Can he say, like, if you, if you dare to take my name, I'll send you a check, a negative check and ruin you? Can he do that? Can you make, maybe that would make the economy very interesting.

If you could send someone that, if you're rich, not only do you have more money than someone, but you could actually use money to send them a negative check. Like, I'm going to spend a million dollars on a negative check. I'm going to send it to you, and now you're negative a million dollars. It's really easy to just tear it up, but some people won't notice the negative sign. So they cash the check, and then all their money is gone, and they're like, oh, no, it was a negative check. Well, you just propia my idea.

I like the idea of financially raping someone. But I think this is your idea. I think this is your idea. It's just praise on stupidity. Uh-oh. You're praying on the stupid though And laughing about it My idea was that Jared Kushner would ruin me

But I would never be that dumb To get ruined by Jerry Kirster Yeah Negative a million dollars You think you'd notice it Yes You don't think you'd just be blinded by the million dollars on a check

No I'd say negative What does that mean? The catch is you don't have to write it out And the part where you write out the The check and longhand Are you only way to dash? Yeah I have seen people put dashes on checks

The money amount So that is odd Now we're getting somewhere Anyway Thanks for support We're watching the show Thank you Remember we have Patreon too

We're back in action We're just doing episodes all the time now And this is content So pay us by going to Patreon.com and you get an extra episode every week for five bucks a month. It's a pretty great deal. Right? And it's great.

Yeah. So much content. So much of us. We'll have video back soon. You don't worry about it. You need to see us. When you watchers, it's fine. Enjoy it.

See you soon. Thank you.