Kump - Ep. 158 Divorce City

Episode Date: November 17, 2023

Ray and Lucie reimagine the American family, discuss their new game show pitch, and much more. Sign up at https://www.patreon.com/RayKump for an extra episode every week! Follow Kump on Twitch https://www.twitch.tv/raykump Kump Hand Merch https://bonfire.com/store/kump/ Follow Ray on Sound Cloud https://on.soundcloud.com/QbP8

Hello and welcome to Kump. Hello. Hello, Lucy. Hello. What was that your way of saying hello? Hi. Hi. Hey.

What do you love with my adopted daughter? I haven't seen six years. I haven't adjusted to you yet. I'm taking either San Diego Aquarium or whatever. We don't live in the same state. It's a problem. Why wouldn't you live in the same date as your adopted daughter? Well, maybe.

Well, subsequently, she became my, what do you call it? Divorce daughter. What do you call your kids when you get divorced? Your divorced child. You're divorced. your child and your child's not is your child divorced no look at my look at my slobber for divorced child married at 19 and divorced the 21 the spaghetti stains all over his suit he got from the men's warehouse he's just laughing at me living in my basement no more I'm gonna

I'm gonna end my life and he'll have nowhere to live what about your reminder of your failures child is that new one or is oh it's not like you're reminding me of like some well hey well but what a bad you remind of your fit um how does you do that i'm i'm trying to picture my is that supposed to be like a universally relatable thing yeah well paint the picture for me because i'm not how do you call it well how would you remind me oh that this is my you know just like you would call someone your wait you're your your stepchild but that implies that i have spaghetti stands over my shirt And I'm in my men's warehouse suit.

Is that how you see me? Disgraceful. No, I don't know. I mean, maybe you call him a, what do you call him a divorced woman in the 50s? Yeah, I was about to say spinster, but that's what you call a woman who's never been married, right? Right. Let's be called a disused. I don't want to say it.

I was going to say disused object. But women aren't objects. They're things, but not. objects what about an unfortunate is that what you would call them maybe no you think people you think don draper's like you know the real version of don draper so successful man the 50s we're just pointing out a divorced woman on the subway and go look at that unfortunate that's not the script of at all or an abandoned woman uh i was just thinking more like the prefix like madam because like so a miss is like an unmarried woman right and a miss a um a miz a um a

a ma'am is a married woman why is it so funny you wanting to know the prefix makes a lot more sense a pig of a woman uh slob i think madam would work burden on my checkbook even though i have hired the best lawyers and gave her nothing uh what was the last thing he said madam probably work i don't think Matt, what's Ms. Moes? Moes. Mose. Miz didn't come around to like the 60s, I think.

Mirk. I'll call her a murk. I don't know. Point is, how about it's fucking, I don't know. I don't know what I call my kids if you get to, I mean, never. How about that?

That's what I call them. Never. People used to say when your husband died, people used to call you the widow something. Like I would be the, me? Yeah, like, Oh, if my, if my husband, my husband died?

No, if my husband, so if you, if you died. Right. There was a time where I would be called. They call you lucky. They would say, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, what's the opposite of a mulligan. Is that Mulligan? Do over? There was, that's a, that's a parachute.

It's a fat parachute, is what they call it. Go on. What would they call me my gay lover? What were you saying? There was a time where people would have called me The Widow Cump Right I'll call my

So if I had a son I would call him The legitimate I'm not just a legitimate bastard It's not really catchy LB for short Yeah it's up LB Was I legitimate well

What's a What's a pseudonym for legitimate Valid Swellbats swell bastard. This is my swell bastard. I divorced his mother because she was

too into her crafts. But that shouldn't be his burden. Am I right? Am I right? Yeah, that's true. I'm bringing him to like my workplace, showing up all the secretaries. Look at my

swell bastard. His mother was a real a real uh challenging woman she's very she's very uh what's the word um eager eager to uh point out my my foibles in this in this scenario did your wife leave you or did you leave her uh i left well um i shot myself in the hand and then she seemed to think like i wasn't a fit father because i was so mad because she kept saying, like, why do you bet on these horses? You know, because I would just, I lost a lot of money at the horse race. Horse race track.

At the horse race. This is how I picture it. I picture it because of the 50s, right? Yeah. Or is it now? Am I lost on my own metaphor? I guess it could be either, but I think the 50s was the aesthetic you were going for. Well, then it would be the horse races, but now it would be all sorts of things, you know, collage.

You know, I spent too much time further. shopping um you know interesting collages um and she's very critical of that and so one day i shot myself in the hand um just just because i i would never i would never hurt a woman i would never punch a woman or kick or i might spit at if i would spit at first i might spit at a woman but that's hardly that's not violence says you let's see what judge we in which lottery of judge we get i might get some real piece of work judge who tells me that my spits are a or the holocaust of our marriage look I don't think a healthy couple would be spitting on each other well no you shouldn't you shouldn't be like um

negotiating who pays the taxes this year and then like spitting if you don't get your way right you know which by the way this is this year's your turn oh no yeah you're ruined uh what was my point I don't even remember. Oh, so I took my adopted, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, what do you call a bastard woman? I don't know how we got on this. A woman can be a bastard too. I don't think so. I think, I think, I think, I think, I think you have, this is a bastardist.

A baselic. I know it doesn't seem like it should be this case, but, but girl, girls with no daddies are, are bastards. Bastiera? Anyway. Best. Do you think you, like, if, if, if, if, if, if, you know, if, if, you know, if, if, I mean, we'll never get divorced because I'll just, like, I'll just go into the ocean if we had to. If you ever, like, serve, like, if you ever had some, like, guy serve me papers for divorce,

I would just go to the East River. I guess that's not an ocean. But I just go to the East River. And I would, like, weighed out into the water. And I would be carrying a brick. I had bricks in my pocket. And I would take, and the point of that is I would take. take the brick out.

Once I weighed out of a certain distance, I take the brick out of my pocket and start hitting myself in the skull with it until I just kind of, I don't, bleed out, just lose the strength of float, whatever. But that's what you,

that's what, that's what your papers will get you. And everyone will remember you as a woman who's a husband floated. What would have I sink? What would be the, the New York Post? Post headline. Man, um...

Fat vacation, would be called. They aren't that good anymore. They're not that clever. If I was working for the New York Post, I would just call it Fat Vacation. And it'd be a picture of fat corpse floating in the East River with a head wound. That would be fired probably.

My editor would come in, well, what's a bad vacation even mean? He's on a vacation from his wife. Didn't you read a story about how his wife's written papers? You're making a lot of leaps here for a headline, I was there. Anyway. You would probably become a symbol of some kind of movement if you did that.

I would, I should fake that so that I could become that. And then, like, quasi-rise from the dead. Yeah. Like, I don't like, I'm sick of people calling whatever we're going to end up calling them in cells because there are people. And I feel like I could be the guy who runs them. So I'm going to stop calling. The first thing, the way I'm going to take charge of them,

is by changing their name first. And then we'll deal with the agenda. But whatever you want, we're going to call those guys. Placeholder, we'll just call them insults, I guess. But, you know, we're going to change it. What are you going to do with them once you rally them around you? What does anyone do with a gang? You leverage, you know, rob trucks.

I'm going to get them to rob trucks for me, like in the Sopranos or the Goodfellas. I mean, have you became like a sort of a wild bun, type group. I think a lot of bunch of rob trucks, but I got your point, yeah. Well, they robbed moving objects. Trains, right, yeah.

The trucks are the new trains. I wish trucks would, like, have, like, would move in convoys still. Yeah. So you can hop from truck to truck and be a daring truck robbery. But if you guys did become that, a lot of those guys

would probably start getting laid. Wait, you're telling me that you were, like, you know, you're pretty confident that you were the lay-up. A truck, a truck robber? Some guy came to the bar, I was like, hey, how you doing? And you're like, you know, good. What do you do for a living?

He's like, oh, I robbed trucks. Yeah, I wish I could say I hop from truck to truck, but that's not really a thing. So I just robbed him at gunpoint. I robbed truck drivers at gunpoint. And I threatened to take the life of a father. Oh, it really is that, that rugged. Like, it's not, there's no like,

there's no, like, clever scheming for. how to get the what do you think we're like we're like items out of the truck without them even notice what do you think i'm getting like a laser and i'm cutting like a hole in the highway the truck drops into into a balloon like mini heist and even then where's the guy go no he got we put a gun in the guy's mouth when he's got a red light you know uh and then we friggin and then we friggin uh we tell him is you know he's gonna we're gonna orphan his kids if he doesn't give us his uh maxi pads or whatever he's hauling well what did you think What did you think this man you were sleeping with what was all about?

This is robber who you just gravitated towards with your wetness. How much could you possibly profit off of the illegal sale of maxi pads? Well, look, that's not a great hall, first of all. Second of all, you go to any bodega in the city. I mean, do you think they're dealing with the maxi-pad companies directly? Right. Probably not. I mean, if I go, I'm not saying all bodegas would be down for this.

But if I went to, you know, let's just say, you know, 10 bodegas. I bet at least three of them would be happy to buy my maxi pads, which I discount, of course, because it's all profit, except for the bullets that I spent, you know, shooting the guys who didn't give it up. Sure. I mean, honestly, some of the maxi pads you buy or whatever you, you know, feminine objects that you use could be, you know, could have been transacted in a violent robbery. I mean the guy might have been murdered

Hmm Well anyway Is that why is that whole Does that element Is that part of why you want to sleep with these guys Because like oh like To answer that to respond to your You know

Your your your your Hesidence Or your your judgment Of that statement I would imagine First of all I wouldn't be sleeping with any of these guys Because I'm already The wife of their charismatic

No, we are right, we get that. Yeah. No, if you, if you slept with a bank and truck robber while we were married, do you understand how many hands of my own, my own hands I would shoot? How many times I would swim out to the East River and brain myself? But I think there are other women who would see, like, a gang with a charismatic leader. Sure. And, yeah, be interested in that.

Some of it are attracted to violence. Yeah. So you think, like, Medellin, Columbia was just, like, full of wet women? That's where Carl's Escobar was. Yeah. Do you think it was just like... You think it wasn't? You think he's like women would, like, be walking home from the shop and you would see

like a judge, like, hanging from a streetlight with his tongue, like, tied through his neck or whatever goes on down there? And you're like, hubba, bubba, give me summer. What am I thinking of? It's not that direct. What's the little cute little thing I'm thinking of? Not hubba, Bubba, give me summer. Well, that's not bad.

Humber, Bubba, give me summer. Whatever. But it's not as direct as that. When he blows up a school because it's just a show, the local community, that's not a rat. You're like, hey, I blow up the school. If you rat on me, I'll blow up a, I'll blow up the one we build next. Well, it's like you rob a few trucks.

Yeah. And maybe some of them get maxi pads, but other ones maybe that more profitable. What would we be able to turn on? What kind of objects in the truck? No, no, the objects aren't the turn on. It seems to be an issue. It seems to be something you're dwelling on. What if I told you that, like, I just, there's a lot of meat in the truck.

You don't think that there were two, you don't think that there was a guy who wanted to, You don't think there was a girl who wanted Clyde and a guy who thought Bonnie was cute. I'm just trying to, well, look, I know we put that in the movies. People romanticize. I know, I know we write a lot of movies where it's like, you know, when a woman has a gun pulled on her at the bank, it's fun to imagine that she's just incredibly turned on and not, you know, just whatever happens, whatever occurs in a woman's brain, like,

in a rape threat scenario. It's adjacent to that. But, you know, but I get that it's fun to, like, write scripts about how it's actually just sexy. Well, look, I'm not suggesting that these guys... Do you think we should have... Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait. We should have a Bachelor-type TV show. We're going on.

Well, we, I'm not suggesting that they ask out the woman they're pulling the gun on. Yeah. I'm suggesting that they ask out the woman that they see on the way out of the bank or something. Wow. Wait, who's like, the woman with a gun in their face, that might be too visceral. So you're turned on by a robber who's such a, who in the midst of a, I mean, you've seen heat, right? Now, it didn't work out for those guys, but like, as they were leaving the bank, they were all business. Yeah.

You know, they were not stopping to, like, you know, chat up women. Now, like, you know, I think because they got ratted out, right? But, like, usually they had these big guns and they were shooting cops and they were shooting in one. and what's his name uh the juice is the game or whatever that guy tom size more he grabs a kid uses a shield i mean do you think it like you're picturing instead you really think you're gonna have you really think that that's a level of professionalism you're gonna get out of my in cells yeah if i find that one of my incels instead of taking a child and use them as a human shield start chatting with some like you know tatted up like fat girl uh with orange hair i'll lose my shit

I will fire that in, so That's not the kind of, you know, thing we're running Fire them, wow Yeah, well, what, you think everyone just gets to be a part of my crew? There's got to be standards, or what's the point being a part of it? It's not like, you know, a church youth group. This is a crew of, you know, vicious,

under-sex men who need to learn confidence. And this is, I think there's actually, you know, I shouldn't even be saying it's on the show because it's a good idea. We should really be pitching some kind of bank robbing violence show or dating, like violence and dating, but not, the dating, the dates don't have violence. Okay. But a guy who's a murderer, but not a serial killer.

Because we all know women just love that for some reason. Just a guy who's murdered once? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, no. Look. if she got in the way of a bank robbery

or truck robbery I'm a look it's kind of I want I want the kind of guy on this show this this bachelor's show to be the guy who goes look I'm not trying to shoot a woman in the face but if she's if it's the choice if it's like Pulp Fiction

Reservoir Dogs remember what's that quote from Reservoir Dogs if it's a choice between keeping the diamonds or shooting or if a woman, you know, walks past me, I'll shoot the woman. I don't think, is that the quote? Probably not that exactly, but. No, it's something like, you know, if you,

you know, I'm not trying to shoot people, but if you're going to get, if you're going to be an idiot, you know, you're going to stick your nose in my business. Tarantino really has not ear for dialogue, doesn't he? He does. He's a poet. I don't remake. They're talking like the people they actually would be

You know, there's a woman She's gonna, you know, just start rapping off Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and like, I'm just shrew in the face. So, you know, whatever. I don't, I don't get how these criminals are all, you know, these guys are all like, uh, living a life of crime just so they have time to, like, hone their pippy dialogue. But no, but yeah, so the, the bachelor's show will be, you know,

are you getting the point it's not that you kill a lot of women or people it's just that you like you know it's not that he's a woman killer you don't want to kill but you just you're just you're just you're just a professional like okay i don't get that like i watch these shows where or movies where guys like you know yeah you see like you know like there's professional with john rano and he's just this nice guy but he'll hey kill this guy he's a glass of milk he's like yeah i mean you told me to but that's like you know that's my guy I mean, I think that you're on to something. And don't tell me I'm not supposed to relate to him.

Especially if it was a dating show about a criminal. Yeah. Looking for love. Right. A violent criminal. On the lamb for love. It's not bad. Yeah.

That's a good idea. That would sell. I love lambs. Wait, that doesn't make sense. I want a lamb to be in the same. the logo like a lamb chop type thing but like not copy you know we'll break the copyright we'll uh make it just different enough of spots and to make the women feel more comfortable we'll have kind of we'll get a couch you hear horse sitting this big long hell couch those are nice

couch like the grand like a show like a graham norton show whatever it is on bbc or whatever He's a nice long couch I mean any woman Walking into that dating show She sees the big L couch Yeah This must be legit Yeah

It's like it's like pink or whatever Yeah You know All right here Hello thanks for coming horrors I mean who are these women in your mind The same women who go on any dating show Right just dumb

Yeah Broads They don't have to be different I think they should be You don't think they should be the victim I mean the twist would be that they're all their dads

or they had a parent who was killed in the robbery Oh Right Wow all nine or ten of them or whatever Yeah The gaggle Robbery really went sideways

Well no It's not one robbery It's not one big robbery Oh okay so there's multiple You think the guy You think this guy Like had a heat type scenario

The Bachelor And like And shot his way out of a bank In West Hollywood but actually like survived made it and he's trying to date one of the kids of one of the many victims of that single day no they just happened to have a parent who died in a robber who's killed in a robbery oh okay it's not him he didn't get i mean this is for you how are you co-signing that like they're here the date the win the heart of the man who killed their mother or father

that's crazy how did i not co-side that's great television that looks so we're be, you know, I can think of a lot of things that would be great television. That would also be war crimes. I mean, you know. But I think that to make the ladies more comfortable, what could be there is he's, his parole officer could be on site so that in the event that he murdered any one of them, the parole officer would immediately report him for breaking parole. I don't, I don't, well, I mean, it's, he definitely broke parole if he murdered one of them.

Yeah. That's got to be a. oral violation. For sure. But I got to imagine that you're also getting charged with a fresh murder. Yeah. I don't know that the PO is really the relevant guy. I think you want cops or some kind of army.

Foreign, you know, some kind of, you know, Army Ranger or a seal. Well, there being some like guards in there, that would kind of heat things up. Yeah, those will probably be a legal requirement. Because the insurance company or whoever. Maybe one of the girls will fall in love with one of the guards. Oh, God. Do you think, do you want, you want to have everything you're saying is so. Which increases the odds of her being murdered by the criminal.

Well, sure, because I mean, the kind of guard, I mean, the idea that we're going to have this violent criminal who's killed, you know, probably at least more than one person probably, multiple people. And we're worried about like, you know, what if he killed? You already, you know, broached the subject in one of our meetings about, you know, the PO situation. And the guards we hire are the kind of guards who would actually. actually start dating the women he's protected? This is like, that's bargain been guards. It's not like, I mean,

that's not Kevin Costner films with Whitney Houston. You're not supposed to date someone you're protecting. That's bad. That's a bad look. Yeah, but our producers will, you know, it's, it's, you can make all kinds of things happen on reality TV. Are you and I, the producers that we're referring to? I mean, I assume so.

So you want us, you mean, we're going to go to jail. You can do a lot of things in America, but I mean, we're just, you're just taking all the boxes. You can't do all of it. You can hire a bad guard, a cheap guard. You can have a crazy plot of a dating show with a violent criminal. You can set up a murder, but you can't do all three. Well, that could be another storyline. It's like, will we go to jail?

So now we're still, it's really, it's really, it's one season of dating and then nine seasons of like a prolonged court battle. I mean, the crank on this thing is amazing. The crank, you know, the crank, the thing that keeps it going, keeps the tensions high. Keeps people tuning in to see what happens every day. I feel like, I mean, maybe. I mean, these shows seem to be expert. I never got into them, but they seem to be expert of keeping these people tautly, like, intrigued by the wooing and the dating and this and that. And I feel like our show, it's like we set it up.

And in the first 10 minutes, he murders a woman and goes to jail and then we're like indicted. I don't, it seems like we blew our wad real quick. It seems like we're not, we're like hoping that like he, you know, we go to the jail somehow so that we can benefit. I don't know how this is where we got, how we got here. I think it's great. It does sound fun. Who can we pitch this to? To be, they seem to be doing things.

Yeah. Right? It's one of those fast channels. Plex. I have his Apple TV now. I mean, I don't want to do a commercial for it. It's very nice. But like some, you know, it links up all your things.

So you can be like, you know, you search for something. You're browsing for something and it'll be on Netflix. Well, not Netflix. It doesn't work on Netflix. But like, Prime or Macs. It'll just be a hub for all that stuff. But it is like, it's got all these, like, this thing. You know, I wanted to watch a documentary.

we run coal train and it's on it's on like you know plex what the hell is plex why can't we be on plex you tell me like like this random cold train doc can't and and then they wouldn't be interested in us they can't give us 10 grand it's not going to be an expensive show we're going to find some guy in and in the police blotter you know we're cut a lot of corners we're not going to try to get a famous criminal we're going to clung john dillinger what he's famous who the hell is famous you want do you want to get the guy who like who uh who like bought the patent to like diabetes medication or whatever insulin and like and then oh scorelli yeah you'll get martin scorelli and then have him kill some people and rob banks

And, like, I mean, he's the most famous criminal I can think of. Right. Who's the guy, SV, you know, the, who's the guy who's got convicted with the hair? The crypto guy. Oh, right. Sam Bankman, freed. His name is Bankman. Oh, God.

He's going to be in jail for a long time probably, right? He might be. Oh, fuck. What about, when does Jared from Subway get out? Look it up. Because he'd be perfect. It's a pedophile. I mean, we're not going to have kids on this show.

Yeah, that's a good point. From everything I described to you, I mean, if you're going to bring your kids to work on this set, I mean, I'm not going to say, say LaVie, because I still, I don't want this to happen, but I'm going to fire you. Don't bring your kids here. This is dangerous for a number of reasons. I mean, molestation is like number four on the risk for these kids. Sure.

In this set. He gets out March 24th, 2029. All right, look, I mean. It might be work waiting. He looks good. Look at that second picture. Look at that second picture. Is that in jail?

He looks great. He's got a great chin, honestly. Oh, man. Jesus. People have been dogging this guy for a while. I mean, he just has a weird squinty face. He looks atrocious. He looks like he's being, like, you know, beaten.

I mean, this is a picture from jail? Beaten, starved. I mean, they feed you in jail. We talk. I mean, it's not Subway. It's not delicious subway meat, but like, yeah, it's nice. You know, it's not a nice subway club. If that's what you thought, if you thought you were going to go to jail

and get an Italian BMT sandwich, you're sorry, Lucy. But, you know, God, what's going on with this guy? Do you think he, what do you think his job is in jail? Everyone has a job, right? I can see it maybe keeping books. Keeping books? Yeah, keeping book. Keeping book?

Or a prison librarian. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what you mean keeping book? You meant like a bookie? You think he was a prison bookie? I don't know. Did they take all his subway money? Google this for me. See what good Google can do.

Did, did, what's the name, Jared, what? Jared Kushner? No, what's his name? Jared from Subway. Sorry, fine. from subway lose all his subway money when he went to jail

are this thing that worked up there well he's got a net worth to go back up it's at four million he's got a net worth of four million he could run book in prison I mean honestly I wouldn't mind going to jail if I had four million bucks I would just you know spread the wealth I could fix jail

if I'd four million bucks from the inside but fix it how you know just uh probably makes I got a game show in there. Hmm. I would just have someone smuggle on a camera in their ass, like a real nice camera.

And then we just, and like, make, have, like, have a riot, but, like, as a cover for my new quiz show. And it's called, um, murderer, um,

murder rapist quiz. Whatever. You know, Jeopardy for rapist and murderers. Whatever. We'll get someone, we'll hire someone for the, you know,

marketing company for the catchy title. Jeopardy, what do they call the bitches in Oz, right? Like when you're someone's bitch. You call you Prague? Pratt, yeah. Jeopardy Prague edition. Jeopardy Prague tournament. Yeah, that's good.

Prague tournament. Because it's not going to be the big players. It's going to be the fucking, you know, and you're going to, that's going to be, I'm going to create a new economy. Instead of an economy of rape and drugs and just, you know, and race, and race hate, right? that happens in jail. It'll be an economy.

I mean, God forbid, if you are a college graduate or a smart person who goes to jail, you're going to be trafficked into this new economy of jail quiz. It's like, you know, the violent alpha types are going to, but you won't be,

you won't be bitched into a life of, you know, suck in and being filled with things. It'll be a life of, you know, studying at, you know, at the threat of violence. Sure. That could be nice. Who's threatening the violence?

I mean, think of, you know, J.K. Simmons' character in Oz. Oh, okay, because he has a... The guy from Whiplash, for people, the bald guy. Because he has a... The guy who plays this newspaper man, Spider-Man, he was the head marrying

white nationals than Oz. Yeah. The prison show. So does Jake... Imagine he was telling you that you have to read the almanac every night. So does J.K. Simmons have a stake in the winnings? Yes, of course.

I'm not sure how, but, you know, yeah. Okay. No, that's part of how we get to work. I got $4 million in this scenario because I, oh, God, I don't want to say I'm Jared from Subway. But I have some other situation, not pedophilia-related, a tax evasion thing, and I'm in jail with $4 million, right? I, you know, that's not going to, I need to have these killers on my side helping

to organize this thing. Yeah. I mean, I picture you were. in prison, just trying to, like, you know, ignore them, not give them a tribute. So is it like, okay, so is it like the Prague gets however amount, however much money, and then their owner in prison, they're, they're... The Prague probably gets a cupcake. I don't know.

Well, you know, that shitty cupcake you get in prison. But then the owner gets money. Cornbread. Yeah, I don't know how, owner. It's not, like, it's not owner. It's not slavery. I mean, it is kind of a system of sex slavery when that happens, isn't it? I mean, if you want to use that word, you'll have.

have to. It makes it less fun to talk about. Especially in his Jeopardy scenario. We have Jeopardy Slaves now? I don't know. Now I feel bad. I picture it just as, you know, you're being inspired

to achieve. But there'll be some kind of betting situation I imagine. I don't think I'm allowed to just give out generous cash prizes. I just imagine you doing like the Ken Jennings or Alex Trebek, whatever you want to, however you want to think about it.

Yeah. Interviews between rounds. Right. You know, when everybody, every contestant says a little bit of snippet about themselves. Right. And you come to the first Prague and he's like, I'm abused every night. I've treated horribly in here. And you're like, okay, all right, let's keep it light, right?

This is the Jeopardy tournament. It's inspirational. I don't know where he thought he, like, did he think he went through the shit tunnel and the Shawshank? The Andy Dufrain made? That's not what this is. I'm in prison, too, buddy. You know, I made a game show. That's the difference.

You're in my game show. I'm sorry you didn't, you know, like, you're a Jeopardy Prague, so apparently you have some kind of intelligence, but not the Hutzpah to make a game show. He's talking to me. Like, I'm not, like, you know, a, what, a judge's decision away

from having my mouth, all my teeth broke. and turn into a vagina, you know? It's the nerve of this guy. If I, if I, if I, it's a very, I, I, I, I have to play politics in this prison or else they'll just use my, they'll just break all my teeth and break my ass. Just put my teeth in my ass probably. They're going to glue, they're going to glue or nail my teeth into my own ass.

And then, like, talk to my ass like, it's a joke. I have to be very careful. Well, if that will happen. Anyway, moving on. But we were talking about divorce kids, right? Yeah, kids, children of divorce. Children of divorce. I mean, you shouldn't be able to just take my kid to San Diego if I don't want to San Diego.

I agree with that. I mean, men notoriously don't advocate for their parental rights in court. You're basing that on what? statistics on just a fucking but you know like something some pamphlet you read in a in a dentist office you know from the 50s probably I mean that is that still is that actually true most people I know like their kids yeah I agree but but how much I mean not enough to move to San Diego but you know right I got a job here somebody like 40 grand a year um but anyway I think we've been discussing for years now Yeah.

A pretty brilliant solution to the tribulations of divorce as they affect children. Mm-hmm. Because we... Why are you trying to pass this off as a year's thing? Well, it has been years. I thought we just... We could have been talking about this for two years. Well, you...

The core idea, not the, not the really brilliant one. Oh, okay. Which is basically that if all things being equal, assuming they're decent people, but they just got divorced. Right. you should have the kids should have a home and the adults have to take turns living in it Right, that was our idea That's a good point

Because we'll just to be clear We watched Kramer versus Kramer Which is that Dustin Hoffman Meryl Street movie Right And they got us thinking about divorces And kids and divorce kids And she wants to take the kid away

And move them And move to, you know Because she left They really wrote a bad character A character who just Was confused Left your son Went to go get home

probably got a job somewhere yeah and that's like I want my kid back I'm gonna and the implication seems to be just gonna bring him back to California I guess they say she's in New York but the law his lawyer is very much like yeah you you you're probably don't leave you you're bad you know just a flighty woman committed to anything yeah you're a bit you you ruined your marriage you're frivolous why should we trust you your marriage failed yeah I can't argue the logic um that was a brilliant move by that lawyer he's great lawyer I mean that's that's that's that's read out of my textbook.

You're a divorced woman. Shut up. But yeah, but basically, it just seems crazy because usually it happens. I've known divorced kids. I mean, I want to say one thing. Divorce kids love nothing more

than you tell you how hard it is to be a child of the divorce. Oh, I had to, it was the worst thing when my parents got divorced. Oh, you don't know what it's like. Well, you don't know what's like to have parents to stay together.

That's so true But what do you like The idea is like What do you think we have Like you think the ones to stay together Or like June Cleaver Whoever that was Right

What is you with June Cleaver? Is that from the Cleaver show? The ones that stay together Are so much more psychotic Well I can't Not whole Right Let's let's give yourself a little hole

But yeah I agree You mean the ones You're contentious but stay together Right Right The ones who would otherwise Get divorced

But stay together for the kids Yeah You think that's psychotic Yeah. You think it's psychotic to not be able to go, look, we don't love each other anymore, apparently. But let's just not do everything that annoys each other constantly for the sake of the kid. Well, obviously that's good. Oh, what we do is fight.

Well, can you not just leave your underwear, your panties all over the, all over the toaster? Why are you even doing that? You know, I mean, like stuff like that. Right. And some woman go, well, he talks down to me. Well, you left your pants. Panties inside the toaster, because you forgot to go to the dry cleaner and dry them or wash them. So you wash them in the sink, you wash all the shit out of your panties, and then you put them in the toaster the friggin dry, but then you forgot them.

And you went to work with no panties, then I was just sitting there, like, in my toaster, I'm trying to make, I can take it out. You know, I know, you told me that you like that when we started dating. You said you thought it was cute. Well, it's, you know, anything neurotic is a woman that can be cute, but, you know, until, like, you know, your English muffin. You know, it's not like I don't eat your beautiful. You know, eat your, you know, it's not that I'm not intimate with you. But something about it, you get on my English muffin. And this is not you.

Don't own this. I'm just coming up with a scenario here. Right. The point is, uh, you think it's psychotic to not just, just, but that's, that's a metaphor or example. I'm not talking about the people who solve their problems, though. I'm just saying, you don't just solve your problem. There's a fix your marriage.

Just don't nudge each other constantly. Like, I don't understand. Like, be a growing problem. person like the idea that two people can't cohabitate and just like you know like you get in a fight with your roommate every day if you're if you're roommates hey cuck sucker look at me i hate you yeah i mean no maybe sometimes we had a roommate who was very you know but that's not the point well that we had that one who just loved bill mar was cackling of bill mar anyway um cooking raw beats and salmon cooked raw beats and salmon cooked raw beats and

salmon every day just disgusting disgusting person i really a despicable i hope he i hope he died in the flood was there a flood was there a flood in past few years yeah there was a flood in the last few months really oh yeah oh imagine oh wow well i wish i wish you could do google alerts for that but i hope he's one of those guys who tried to kayak yeah in the flood and it turned over and he drowned He had a survival kayak, and he just blundered it. Just a guy, I mean, I just wish, I don't wish death on anyone, but I wish that if he does die, it's a blunderous death. Oh, yeah.

Just a flairling. A buffoon's death. You know? Now, I hope you, no, they can be clear. I prefer that he lives, even though I don't like him. But if he does die, no dignity. Yeah. Just class, graceless.

Anyway. One of those deaths that gets filmed and it's kind of, kind of funny. People hate to admit it, but it's kind of funny to watch. Yeah. Yeah, and you're smiling. You're glad he's, you know, not alive anymore. Now, the point, right. Now, get back to it. Look, the idea, the point is, um, but you get divorced. And then the kid has to, it's not like, I can't relate to these kids. They're like, oh, I got my pants on a lot of age, whatever. But it does seem annoying to have to go back and forth. Like, you have a house half the week and a house half the other week. Right. And yeah, the kid has

to do all the travel on behalf of his shitty parents. Sometimes these people live in Jersey or New York or some weird distance, you know? It's crazy. What the, our solution is rather elegant is that, and we have to become judges, I guess, much like the federalist society, like, you know, took over

the court chip. We'll do it for this purpose. Is that that the kid gets the house. Right? Yeah. The kid gets the house and effectively. I mean, of course, it's an He's a dumb child But you know

He lives in the house The mother and father come and go from the house Right Nothing worse than some newly divorced mother Thinking she runs the roost of the house It's not her house For you know I mean all these shows where a guy's paying the mortgage

And she's living there And it's like I'm not well she has the kid All right The kid gets the house I just feel like it's not misogynistic But I can't stand to smug this woman who doesn't at least acknowledge that's unfair he's paying it and she's just like you know i live here because the kid you know i'm a woman and the kid is i agree with you but also a lot of men just

don't want to raise their kids that's not true they want to like see them but they know they have been a obsession with seeing their kids but they don't really like but they know that the woman's been taking care of most of the stuff well look here's the huge they know it's fair for her to get women say that because they think that they're falling and their little kisses and you're and And the dumb little crinkles they put in the sandwich are proper. Like, that's weird shit that you shouldn't be doing to my kid. All right? And the fact that I don't do it, doesn't mean how-

What are crinkles? What are the crinkles in the sandwich? You know, you take your fingernails and you kind of just press into the sandwich. Oh, like, like when you cut the crust off? That's not, no, I was just imagining a woman who had, like, long fingernails, just pressing her fingernails into the sandwich. I don't know. I wasn't a crust off the sandwich.

kid. I didn't care if my mother, like, did some specific wizard trope of a lunch meal. So I don't, I can't relate. But I imagine these kids, these mother's boys, these kids who love your mother so much. Right. That, like, you know, these children of divorce. It's like, oh, but she didn't, you know, they, oh, they sliced the fucking sandwich and diagonally. What are you fucking just pissing all the time? He's just pissing inside your pants constantly. Shut up. Just, I'm saying, I imagine that the woman's pressing her. fingernails into the sandwich.

The kid sees the fingernails. My mother touched this. Oh, all is well. I just don't understand. I mean, you can help me along here. This is why our disagreements about this are exactly why divorce city is such a great idea. Right. Well, that's the idea.

So basically, the mother and father, they come and go from the house. And at first, we had this idea that basically you would get a shitty apartment. It's not a shitty apartment the dad gets. And the kid lives in a shitty apartment for both of them. And the kid lives in a shitty apartment with the dad. And he's looks at him like, why do we live like this? He's like, hey, I'm paying for everything. This and that.

If you can afford two different places on top of the kid's house, good for you. Same thing. Oh, right. No, by default, yeah. If only one place can be afforded, you have to share that apartment. You have a unisex bedroom now. Yeah. You know, you can, you can, the one,

Woman can fuck other men and vice versa, but no pictures of Hasselhoff. Yeah. No fruity, you know, angels. Unisex. You get a shitty painting of a beach. Blue and green. That you can hang on the wall. Yeah, a beach picture.

Yeah. Right? Nothing. You can't leave your, you have to take your underwear back and forth with you. Yeah. No one. You can't sabotage your husband when he brings some male woman, some woman who delivers a male home to have sex of her.

And like, and like, you know, I may. Maybe in theory you should, the sex should all happen at the other place. Yeah, it has to be like you were never there when you leave. Yeah, you're not even allowed to have, screw that. You're not even allowed to have sex. Yeah. You can have a man, I guess. But he meets you at the other place.

Right. You know, he meets you at the dingy, shitty, shitty place on top of the Chinese place. And I'm putting down Chinese restaurants. But, I mean, you know, you don't live on top of it. It's so much, so much oil smoke. Yeah? There's a super, a quote of,

I'm not being racist. There's a quote unquote super in your building. Right. Who's really just a former sexual assault detective who will go into, who will go into your bedroom when you leave. They get pensions, don't they? He'll enter your bedroom when you leave it and he'll look for evidence of sexual activity. Just consensual activity?

Yeah. Yeah. And what happens to be, if you fucked? Then you get, then, you know. No, you're allowed to have sex there. Okay, but not officially. As far as the judge's concerned, that's where you have sex. Oh, oh, in the apartment.

Right. That makes sense. On top of the Chinese restaurant. Yeah. Yeah. But he's, that's, that's his rules. Right. The judge, I mean, I'm a judge.

I can't make up where I can't tell you where to live. Sure. I mean, well, in our scenario, you can. Yeah. We're getting to that. We're getting to it. Okay. So, um, I think, I think people kind of realizing where this is going.

Where, you know, oh, we have all these divorce. divorced parents, and then they live far away, why not just, you made a good point, you know, it'll be a sign of affluence that, you know, because it'll be divorced, just you take it's over. You bring this. One issue that always comes up with the scenario that we paint it is that it's going to create a lot of, a lot of new demand for housing, sort of, and we solve that by creating a living facility called a divorce city, where everybody gets kind of like a little, shitty apartment, unsweet sort of apartment.

And, you know, there are like a, and, you know, there are all, every area within reason will have a divorce city. Yeah, I mean, I don't know we can dictate like what's in divorce city. Right. It's more about corralling the people who failed at marriage into, into areas. A shared space, yeah. Right. Do you really want some divorce?

I mean, look, if you can. Yeah, people don't want to be around the divorce. Maybe we can rework, we can work into some. Look, divorce without kids is fine. Does it sound like a ghetto, sure, but, you know, maybe it is. Some, there are ghettos exist. Why not for this? Yeah.

How about instead of a race, they're out there for this. Now, also, if you don't have kids, we don't care. That's not even a divorce in our eyes. That's just a, whatever. Yeah, that's just a breakup. Yeah. But then you can maybe marry your way out of divorce city, but we're not going to get into that. Yeah, that's very complicated.

But no one, so with those caveat. no one wants to see your smelly divorced ass at the fucking park with their kids right just desperate wishing imagining that you're imagining my kid was your kid no they're doing anything me like i'm playing catch with my boy and you're just going i used to play catch with my boy all right yeah it's a common thing i mean i don't even want to do it's just something like they say to do it's just yeah we're all been told to play catch with your boy all right and stop bothering go smoke your cigarette somewhere else you're weird creep right i'm sick of divorce people Now, obviously, in affluent areas, people might be a little bit closer to a divorce city.

Sure. But, but, you know, and then there will be people. You think that by default, because you make a point, like, it'll be kind of a sign of, of your station in life or whatever, that, like, how close your divorce city is to. Your kid's house. Right. Yeah. To the local.

I mean, did we make, did we, did we, did we designate a kid land or something? Marriage town. Oh, did we make marriage town? The kids live in marriage town. Okay. I don't like the idea. Where do we live? Where do we?

Like Ross right now. We're not a little kid. We're not a kid. I mean, do the families not exist amongst a single either? No, look. There's no marriage. For scratch marriage town. The kid just lives in a normal house.

Right. Right. It's more a matter of like you live in some undesirable out of the way place. Right. As divorce city. Yeah. Right. And then there will obviously be people who are like, this sucks.

You know, the closest divorce city to me is like an hour and a half away from my kid. Right. Yeah, you can't just live wherever you want you. Right. You're giving up that right by failing a childed marriage. Yeah. By letting your kids down. Because it's got to be some pain.

It can't just be like, oh, I wanted to go to architecture school and they didn't because I had a kid. Right. And now I get to go to architecture school. I mean, if you can find one in Divorce City, sure. I mean, if anyone wants to hire an architect, they went to that shitty school that's in divorce city. Yeah, maybe there would be like a community college or something. So that if people really felt that they were denounced. achieving certain reasonable goals in their marriage, they can do so.

But basically, like, no getting divorced because you wanted to go to Spain. I don't think that the guy who built a Burj Kleeveh went to that shitty school. I'll tell you that. And, you know, in Dubai. Tell you that, that guy, that guy went to probably Harvard or something. Mitt, MIT. Not the Forest City Municipal Community College. There's some kinks in this plan, but I think in general it would go a long way towards preventing divorces

that were like started by like somebody wanted to, somebody wanted to go get Jolato and Italy and somebody wanted to go explore the rugged terrain of Mexico and they got divorced over what vacation they wanted to have. This is about us and our impending full, full-blown honeymoon that we're going to do. Woo-hoo. We have, we don't plan. They're not like it with woo-hoo.

It's like, you know, if we don't do it soon, it's going to be a thing. We didn't do. We had a little thing. But, you know, I got to take you to Italy or something. something or I'm screwed or the Machu Picchu that he was so he's one one woman one Machu Picchu the other one wanted to you know fuck you know what's that thing when they get the Bulls mount them in Italy oh yeah that's Spain that's Spain the running of the the Bulls the mounting of the Bulls no honey we should do the mounting of the Bulls anyway um

I just, the only thing about it is just kids, I just hate how divorced children think they're special. They always have his air of like, because like the dad's always trying to make it up to them. That ain't a real way. Right. But like buying them extra toys. Sure.

You know, when you do see your dad, it's like a thing and he tells you he loves you maybe and he hugs you. Sure. Get lost. I do think that sometimes divorce. Get lost with that, lose me with that shit. Yeah. Oh, you know your dad's first name?

Like, I mean, I know it, but like, you know, like, you, I don't know. Yeah, I don't what I'm trying to say here. I do think that children of divorce sometimes have unrealistic expectations for parental love. Like, it's like, they're like, you know, it's like, like, they got that. So they assume whatever the kids whose parents stayed married got was even better. It's really the problem with a lot of things. I can't speak on as, as authoritatively on, like, raise issues and stuff. But there just seem to be a trend in general.

I'm not negating everything But the trend in general Where everyone thinks that their life sucks Because of something Right And sometimes that's true But a lot of times life just sucks Sure

And then you and you if your parents get divorced Then you can blame that Now I'm not I'm not saying Like you know Slavery was terrible That's not one of these things I'm talking about Or um

What's another horrible thing You know For sterilization of like Of a handicapped people I'm not talking about that. That's something legitimate to go, oh, like, you can complain about. Right. Right.

Yeah. I'm just saying. Jim Crow laws, sure. Mm. But, like, not being divorced. Yeah. And not being, like, you know, it's like, oh, my, my dentist misgendered me once. Cares.

I mean, I'm not open my idea. I'm very supportive, but, like, I don't care if your dentist actually didn't remember which gender you are. Even though me, look at your teeth. dirty do you treat this are dirty what's my point oh I mean what kind of schools isn't

like this like child school yeah I guess the child school is just a regular school right regular school yeah that's the brilliance of this plan these kids are gonna get McCauley Culkin syndrome though that's a problem maybe maybe they have to get like less stuff

maybe we actually penalize the kids because look oh don't blame the kids Sometimes the kid is the fault. Not completely. But, I mean, if you're an annoying kid, I mean, it puts straight on marriage. Sure. You know, if you're always asking questions. If you're always like, you know, if you, honestly, you're going to tell me some kid who has piano practice, soccer practice, boy scouts, karate, name other things the kids do.

Swimming. Swimming, soccer, all this shit. And you tell me that kid's not a little responsible? I mean, these parents will have many times, you know, to love each up, the nurture. Yeah. To suck and hug. You know? It's just like, they're just like.

Yeah, that's with that. How come the kid is at all these activities and parents are still being like, we don't have any time to fuck? Well, because, you know, they're a busy job. They're pretty trying to kidnap other kids. They're typically parents who don't molest your own children. You know, it's the whole. Yeah. This, you know, hierarchical.

or whatever another detail of divorce city I there will be a lot of complaints at first sure that you know and you know if you complain you're gonna put you in jail that's where you go fucking fucking jail right now in that frack jeopardy shit oh I don't want to I don't want to share an apartment with that with my ex even though you know even if they're not there when I'm there it's it's it you know I don't want to I don't want to share it with them yeah no it's just I can back a picture that yeah um but that probably problem will solve itself when the parents of Divorce City start kind of mingling.

We'll have mixers and stuff. Oh, it's going to be. Eventually, they'll all start, you know. It's going to be an ocean of herpes. Yeah. Just like, I mean, we're going to be, we're going to like fucking crop dust to place of Penn and Stilling. They're going to be humping more than a retirement village.

Yeah. No, it's going to be disgusting. I mean, it's just going to be like a bacchanal. Because it's going to be the kind of thing where it's like I don't got to clean up my act, I don't have to, like, quit drinking or quint fentanyl or whatever. I can just, you know, I can hold, I mean, I don't know. If you, if you're like a heroin addict, can you wait three days? Maybe not.

Wait. So here's the day, you got, you can't be a heroin addict full on. You have to be the kind of heroin user who, like, look, I do it on the weekends. And then you, and it was that, but that's what divorce city is going to be. Right. It's going to be like a robocop movie. You know, it's going to be a lot of fun. it's going to be all sorts of like you know illegal animals a lot gambling right a lot of sex a lot of

aides a lot of um casinos oh there's gonna there's gonna be like a lot of vice um and like predatory companies yeah you know but that will be balanced out by all the excessive force that the police use sure i don't have yeah okay sure i'll run with that that seems yeah okay yeah okay I also feel like Coca-Cola, for instance, will just make shittier Coca-Cola and not tell anyone that goes to the divorce city. But charge the same price. Like, it...

Oh, I think corporations will brag about it. Well... I think they'll say, we were able to donate $300,000 to children's charities by, by, you know, reducing the amount of sugar in divorce city Coca-Cola. Yeah, I hear you. But it's kind of... Just from a longevity point of view.

Because we're not turning them into, like, you know, divorced slaves. Sure. They, they, we can't force them to buy the Coke. And so, like, you know, I wanted to be a thing where it's like, it's just something like, you know, they're waiting for the bus because there's no Uber, there's no care, everything's a bus. A terrible bus. They think you do a shitty job.

And they wait for the bus. And some guy scratching himself waiting for the bus asking some other idiot waiting for the bus. Like, do you feel like the Coke taste worse than it used to? And it's just, you know, it just smells like the garbage is picked up once a month. I'm just like that I, that's what I picture. It's not, I don't think Coke Cole is like advertising it like, you know. Yeah.

Hey, asshole, look, I mean, look, if you want to tax these, you know, divorced dads and put a portion some of their tax money to like, you know, mandatory Coke, that's, you know, flavored like shit. Maybe. But I think this would be good for us. I'm not sure about the kids But just I feel like we can make a lot of money Of yeah Because we're gonna Some

That's a problem All these ideas We don't know how to make money That really is our problem We need to find someone who makes money And team up with them We need to show them the specs Of divorce or the answer

Where are the pain points Where does the money come to us And it always just boils down To like you know Selling drugs Selling piss I feel like we could get Martin Scorrelli in on this. Martins.

Oh, the, uh, is he, yeah, is he related to Martin Scorsese? Why would, why? Their names are somewhat similar. The first names are somewhat similar. I feel like they should be, like they're from the same island in Italy, maybe. Mm-hmm. Scorsese and Martin Scorsese, Martin Scorsese, Martin Scorrelli, Martin Scorelli. It's like, you know, it's like you were, if you were introducing a bunch of people,

this is my cousin Martin Scorsese This is my cousin Martin Scurrelli My cousin Bob He's a he's a disgrace cop Anyway, we have to move on Thanks a much for tuning in If you like this show Which of course you listen to the last hour

Of course you'd like this show We have a Patreon It's patreon.com slash Raycum If you sign up, it's five bucks a month What do you get? Is it a some list in the credit Somewhere in some video? Is it some thank you?

No! get extra episodes every week for five bucks a month it's a nice deal and we'll also put you on the short list for for a spot in divorce city when it becomes available or prague jeopardy so uh and yeah check out if you like if if not uh we'll see you next week have a great week Thank you.