Kump - Ep. 165 Cyber Simp

Episode Date: February 29, 2024

Ray and Lucie talk about Ray’s Cyberpunk romances, Alabama's new law about embryos, robot babies, and much more. Sign up at https://www.patreon.com/RayKump for an extra episode every week! Follow Kump on Twitch https://www.twitch.tv/raykump Kump Hand Merch https://bonfire.com/store/kump/ Follow Ray on Sound Cloud https://on.soundcloud.com/QbP8

Hello and welcome to comp. Hello. Hello, Lucy. Hi. It's not a sturdy table. Well, it's a table. Tables are by nature, one of the sturdiest things nature's ever created. You know, I mean, what is this?

It's plastic, but it's not like, you know, the kind of plastic of a frisbee's made of. No. It's hard plastic. And I drill a lot of whole. What's the thing I got? A whole, it's the thing that goes into a drill. It's like a, like a, it's a saw. Like a whole saw.

Imagine putting down to a person. Oh, I wouldn't want that, but it me. It just goes right into the tape. And I kept, so I kept running wires through it and, and over, you know, during the redesign. And you saw me. I'm just, I'm throwing up a hole. Yeah. How many holes would you say are in this thing?

16, 20. Damn. So, I mean, how many do we need two? I mean, it would be nice. I would like to drill more holes so I could run some, you know, clean up. but people can't see some of these cables that are running gross table. But I've drilled too many because I just didn't know where to put the mic stands. Yeah, well, you put them in one place, but then you realize the arm's not stretching far enough

or you realize it's too close. Yeah. You can't manipulate it. I'd love to drill a hole into my body and, you know, and run cables through that. I mean, why don't they make like a body saw? They do. It's what they use in a civil war. But, I mean, you know, when they keep your life, they should invent, look, they can invent,

All sorts of robots, AI, chat jibit, jibetes, you know, and they can't, what, you know, you cringe with that. You don't like when I say chat jibetes. I'm trying to start a new thing. I'm trying to start a gimmick. And you're just going to, you're going to debase me in front of my fans in front of our listeners. You're going to make a face. I'm not going to cut away from that face.

I'm not going to let me have two cameras. I'm not going to show people the face you made. When I said, Chad Chabit. Well, I think the people should be able to see the face and then hear your comments and make up their mind between the two. You just, you, you'd love that, wouldn't you? You can poison people on Chad Chabitis. So you want a utility hole, basically, in your body. Yeah.

That you can run some wires through, like just the wire charging your iPhone or something. That would be great. It goes right to your wrist. Like one going through my wrist, I go straight to my phone into my hand. That sounds nice. And I keep one, I keep a wire.

Like I, another hole in my leg where my pants would be. It goes right into my pocket where the extra battery is. And where, and where is the charge, the actual charging source located? I just said the batteries in my pocket. Oh, okay.

So it's the whole, if you look at the thing is one of those holes that you use to touch yourself in your pocket, but it's really from like, I mean, that's, giving ammunition with creeps. Yeah.

Because you know when they find, when there's that whole thing when you cut a hole in your, in your pocket and then you touch your, you know, you do stuff. Sure. And then,

uh, to your genitals. Um, now people just say, I have one, I know I have a hole that goes straight to my phone. Mm. Like Kump told us to.

Yeah. I feel like, I'm going to be the, the hero of creeps. I don't want that. It never ends up functioning as the excuse they wanted to function as though because it's like, Right. That doesn't explain the jerking movements.

Sure. That doesn't explain that. I have Bell's palsy and I listen to Kump. Yeah. I mean, honestly, bringing me up is never the answer. No. I don't know what kind of free ride people think I've had through life. But it has not, you know, whatever I am, my essence has not gotten me any favors.

You know, no, no, no, I mean, I'm married to you. It's nice. Don't get me wrong. but I mean But you know I either win you over You know I'm not I'm not the guy

Rolling up to like a roller One of those roller restaurants You know the restaurants where girls are on skates Sure They look at me And if I ever go to one of those I'm ended up in jail And I'm not even sure why

But some woman on roller skates Is going to accuse me of like you know I don't know Like spilling fribble on her Or what's that's, you know, that's some friendlies, right? Right. What's a milkshake? Johnny Rockets.

A Johnny Rockets shake. Yeah. So I'm going on a roller skate is going to accuse me of spilling a Johnny Rockets milkshake all over her tits. And I'm going to go to jail. I didn't do it on purpose. Oh, so in this scenario, you did do it. Well, I mean, I, I, I instigated a situation where she spilled a milkshake on her own tits.

Right. But she's going to blame me. She's going to say, you know, I, you know, I, you know, I startled her or I frightened her. or I frightened her. Right. So maybe the truth, the middle ground truth is that you ordered your burger

in kind of a short kind of kind of a catty way. No, I wasn't catty. I forgot to add caramelized onions which on a burger like that I liked to have. Sure.

And I went and I went, hold on. Because she was rolling away and then she got tripped up and then some, you know, and then she fell into a milkshake or tits fell into a milkshake.

Right. But she spins that as your verbal abuse of her. They always do. They always do because you know why? Because I don't bend in the knee. I don't kiss ass anywhere. I'm not out there saying, you know, oh, schmoozing and saying ass kissing these people.

In general. This is a metaphor, by the way. I'm not smoozing people. Take me or leave me and many leave me. I would love to hear what you sound like when you're trying to schmooze. I can't even imagine you. Never heard. Never have.

I've never heard of myself. Yeah. Because I'm not a schmoozer. When I sell, it's a hard sell. Yeah. You know? Yeah. What are you doing?

You got a little thing on your... A little red bull in my, my ears? I had a little thing on your lip. What, Red Bull? Yeah. I think so. What else would be? I mean you think so.

It looked more solid than a drop of Red Bull, but I guess that's what it was. Are you on my team or not? I'm totally on your team. I'm trying to tell you how I'm, I'm Willie Loman of a 24th century. Yeah. And you're sitting and you got a chunk of Red Bull on your lip. You have a crust of red bull on you. You'd sell me out in a second to the scavengers.

Well, you know, I don't think I would. I think I'm actually a loyal wife to you. So far. We're still in the honeymoon phase. Yeah. Technically. Right? How long is the honeymoon phase supposed to have?

A year. Literally a year. Oh, okay. Yeah. I learned that in sociology class years ago. according to who according to some guy who got divorced it after a year yes some guy who's like you know wife couldn't stand the fact that he was you know picking his picking his gums was picking his gums um what's going on today in the world um well we got a new rulings right coming out of Alabama we got a celebrity new

Rollings? What kind of like the new roller girls? New rules. New rules in Alabama. New rules? Were we Bill Moore? Regarding IVF. IVF.

Yeah. What is this? And then we got, well, one thing actually, before we get to that. Sure. Let's tease IVF. I got to say. IVF ban coming up. But first, Lucy's Corner.

I am concerned. I think you can see you're pregnant. that I'm concerned that you are escaping into a fantasy world a little bit too often. I don't do it that often. I think that it's pretty often nowadays. That's all I get a hole in my pants. You have been playing cyberpunk, which is, you know, playing video games is an escapism in and of itself. It's not escapeism.

It's a skill and an art, and I love it. No, that's just into the enjoyment of an art form. Yeah. I'm not escaping. What am I escaping? You? Well, every time I see you. I'm playing cyberpunk 2077.

It's a great game. What do you think about it so far? Well, I played it when it first came out. And despite what everyone always says, I enjoyed it, even though I had a lot of bugs. This is the game that came out in like 2020. It was bugged all hell. Everyone lost their mind about it.

I played 100 hours of it beat the game back then. I mean, not with that as bugs, but I'm just saying, I beat it back then. I'm playing it again. It's had a redemption arc. It's a game where you play a cyberpunk, as per the name, a man with implant or a woman or a genderless person with implants, you know, cybernetic implants that go with your arm, you have blades for arms. You could have, you know, optics that like see things, like, you know, scanners.

You have legs that jump twice. Legs that jump twice Double jump legs Yeah Like a kangaroo almost Yeah Like a hoppy Hoppy legs

Well there's ones that There's ones that have like a spring motion to them You hold it down and you jump high Or it's ones that you jump and you jump again Like jump the double jump So I don't know how that works The double jump You jump in the middle of the air I guess

I don't know how these cyber implants work I'm a doctor But the point and you go And basically the doctors You go to install these things are basically like the tattoo artists. Yeah. Well, you don't have a tattoo shot, basically.

And this guy's song into your back and putting stuff in your spine. Yeah, they're giving you a metal spine. Yeah, I don't know how, like, in the future they've dealt with... What are those things called? The Robert Lewis Stevenson or... What do they call it? What?

What's that thing they put on your spine? San Devaston? San Devinston. Robert Lewis Stevenson? Have you seen cyberpunk edge runners on Netflix, which is good. Honestly, for a cartoon, for based on a video game I've never read anything based on a video game I've never seen anything where

everything matched that I mean most things match like like the interface where you hack into someone's toilet matches you know the security cam interface matches the show the sound of the phone ringing it's all it feel whatever but they they they just send devastating which slows down time so you do like a matrix move yeah stuff like that um but you basically do these guys like drilling into your spine in the back of like you know do you need a rest tattoo parlor it just seems like not sterile much right like if you have spine surgery you want the room to be clean and sterile but these these these they call them ripper docks and they just rooms are off and full of blood yeah and piss it's not very clean not always but sometimes i mean depending on on the locale

you know it's a whole city and in the nicer districts um like the up side equivalent, for instance. Yeah, it wouldn't be so much blood in common on the river dock. But, you know. So the San Devinston is supposed to... San Deveston. So that San Deveston is supposed to slow down time.

Well, for you. I thought it just gave you a really strong spine. No, I mean, you watched the show with me. The guy's moving really quick. You think he's just got a really strunks... You think a really strong spine makes you move quicker than the speed of light? I mean, maybe a spine that's full of, you know,

move fast fluid or whatever exists in this world. I didn't know that was actually slowing down time around you. Well, I don't think it's actually slow. It makes you move very quickly, I think, is the idea. Oh, okay. I don't know. Look, these are the kind of things that happen in cyberpunk. Yeah.

So that's your frame of reference out there. Sure. It's a fun game. But every time I see you playing it, you're on a date with some person. Look, you can romance in the game. Okay? You can romance a woman. And romance is a verb.

Yeah, you romance her. Yeah. I think, yeah. Like, I romance this woman. Yeah. And so I romance this woman. Okay. It's part of the plot.

I've already played the game. It's integral to the plot that you romance this woman. I don't know what happens. I think you can just be friends maybe and the same thing might happen. Yeah. But like, it's kind of implied you're supposed to romancer. It's better if you do. And how many, how many cyberpunk girlfriends would you say you've had at one time?

I have one. Now, I went to a prostitute. in the cyber you know in the in the japan town era or area um it's called japan town i didn't make it up um i you know that's different uh there's another girl that you've seen me with but she's just a friend her friend was murdered her friend was technically like a robot prostitute who was abducted by uh bad ripper docks and then and then she was brought to a bd uh torture chamber brain dance, torture, I don't want to spoil the game. Right.

Sure. But, uh. So you were comforting her kind of. Well, we just, I helped, I helped get her friend out of the lives. Oh, okay. Got it. And you're just like, oh, who's that woman? I'm helping her.

Well, I just don't understand why. Well, at one point you showed me like a sex scene that you can do in there. But that's what I'm like, when I said, like, a girlfriend in the game. Yeah. And I can understand the appeal of that. It's not an appeal. I just, it's part of it is what you're supposed to do. But most of the time it's just these boring dates where a woman wants to cuddle on your lap.

They added that in a new update. And I'm not thrilled with it. All right. I'm not thrilled with the new update where like you have to like, look, it's a cool. Look, you have these apartments now. You buy these expensive apartments with your mercenary winnings. And then you can invite. And then you have his girlfriend.

And instead of just being like a non-interactive thing, you can have her come over for dates. But the dates are always the same. It's always just her laying. on your knee and you're caressing her cheek it's boring and you can take a shower together take a shower together it's just the same she says the same things over and over the game's great but they really need to add more interactivity with the girlfriend or just stop having her call me because like I don't how about I call her so she calls you she texts me he's like hey can I come over and I'm like yeah come to this apartment and we'll hang out yeah now I just try to like yeah I sit there on the

couch, and I talked her for a second, and I leave. And do these... I used to smooth with her and I go to bed with her, but I don't want to go to bed. I had to be at a thing. We were going to break into a whorehouse so the prostitutes could, like, take over the whorehouse. Literally, this is a thing I had to do. And, like, it was a tiny sentence of admission, and she's like, can I come over?

And I don't know what happens in the game now if you don't, if you say no. Like she won't beat her, her friends who are all like weird bikers Like who are supposed to help you later in the game Bring him to a Japanese corporation's, you know, tower You know, like Trump Tower, but for the Japanese Like a Japanese Trump Tower basically. Yeah. And then like, you know, I don't know what happens if you if I say,

Hey, I don't have time for you. I got to help a prostitute, you know, liberate her poorhouse. Right, because you've got to invest a little time in each girlfriend. I would imagine. It's like real life. Yeah, it's one girlfriend. I'm doing the other thing because I'm a good person. All right.

I'm liberating the whorehouse out of the goodness of my heart. I'm not charging her. What kind of things do you have to do for the- She's a lesbian. Don't you get it? She's not going to date me. No, no, but with the girlfriends, like, do you have to, like, win their favorite? Like, I remember I loved Harvest Moon growing up.

It's not Harvest Moon. What cyber implants do you have in Harvest Moon? You don't, but you can give a woman a fish, And it will make her love you. It's more complicated than that. I had to choose a lot of dialogue options as romance or properly. Okay, that's fair. I had to say all the right things.

I had to make her wet constantly. Yeah. I had to turn her into that thing from the fish of water, the shape of water. Shape of water, yeah. Remember that stupid movie that won the Academy Award? I had to turn her, she smelled like that thing. And I was done with her.

All the dialogue options I picked. She was just, I mean, I was just saying, I mean, I'm like, I'm like, Serena of the Bergenac. Devergeneck. Cyberpunk the Bergerac. Yeah. So, yeah. But yeah, but Lucy turns out every time, every time my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my

A cyberpunk girlfriend is like, you know, naked in the shower, Lucy decides to start paying attention to the TV. And she acts like, oh, I'm playing some kind of you and porn game. She's very threatened by it. I'm sorry. Most of the time, I'm using a katana and I'm just like, and I'm air dashing around, slicing out people with a katana. My katana build or stealthing.

I'm a stealth katana man. Right. It's my whole thing. Oh, you could stealth? Yeah, you can, it's lost. I mean, you don't have to, but yeah, it's all. there's a whole path but all you see is me

stealthed my dick into digital women at one point my dick was too I picked a really big dick for the guy because you can pick the dick but like all the pants look bad yeah because like the way they made the pants tent is like I had the world's worst erection

every every second every moment yeah like the it does look like that I showed you because it looks like like the cock looks flaccid yeah but at the same time bulgy like Yeah, it looks like, it looks like the head is like way too big. Right. It looks like the head is like, is like a, like literally like a Mario Brothers mushroom.

Yeah. That you step on. It was big, like when you're in the warps zones. People don't want to talk about. World War four, four, two represent. Would it work if they should give you an option where you're kind of like you're a grower, not a shower, where like it establishes that where you can pick a skin where at some point it gets established that your dick can be really big. But it doesn't have to look big in the pants.

Well, you should, so you want, you wanted me to pick like a flaccid and a rec size. Yeah. That would be a nice update to come. I mean, I think they're done an update in the game. But I think they should add, you know, I think they should add a new update 2.12. Yeah. That adds, you know, an erect size versus a flaccid size. You should get a wrecked.

I mean, they should animate that. I mean, I think that might be too suggestive. If a video game started, you know. um doing that you'd have church groups just you know i mean i don't know how they're not already like you know they're probably not playing cyberpunk yeah but you just i shouldn't forget i said anything i don't be the rat who turns this so how this video gets spread the first thing we ever do that goes viral which are christians are like i didn't know you could have it a wrecked cock and cyberpunk can you also be like non-binary too i think so yeah yeah do whatever you

want you also have you know you also have gorilla arms right that's right they called that i mean that literally gorilla are the strong arms blade arms but they're big right like they're like twice your body size no they don't i mean and you would think so but not real i mean the cartoon it seems that way yeah but i mean in the game you have a real arm it doesn't it doesn't account for that when it shows you your body that'd be cool though what would you do if i came home And I just had these, like, massive guerrilla arms. And they would probably make a lot of noise, too. I mean, like, the idea that'd be quiet.

They'd be dragging around. They probably sound like that. They never show that in the game. But they'd probably be, like, just gears grinding. Yeah. I'm not affording. Like, you know, the whole idea of cyberpunky is that these are things that, like, again, like some, you're not going to know a hospital to have these things installed.

Some, like, guy who's, like, barely, like, you know, who did, like, a, you know, a two-week seminar at DeVry, you know. Apex Tech is like, it's drilling into my spine now. I don't think he's, he's machining these things. He's milling them as, as finally as, as possible. I don't know what's Jeopardy. I don't know. But yeah. I mean, if you can look past, there's so much,

there's so much richness in this game to, to abuse me on. And you, you're just getting jealous about these cyber girls. Well, it's not just the, the cyber girls. girl. I think the cyber girls at first made sense to me. But then, but then you were talking about how everybody's in this game is trying to have sex with you. There's like random guys who come up to you and try to have sex with you. Well, no, it's not random guys. If you go to the, the street that has the prostitutes, the guys will offer it to you. Oh, okay. So there's a red light district. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I'll offer, you know, have you sex them. All sorts of stuff.

It's not only a red light. I mean, it's, yeah, I guess it's a red light district. Sure. If you want to be a, you know, if you want to be reductive about it. There's more going on than just the red light does. There's lots of theater. I think you're being reductive in general. Yeah, there are also, you can buy brain dances, which are basically like torture porn that are mixed into like, you know, but you use a visor watching them.

Oh, okay. It's like PlayStation, it's like PlayStation VR, but you're watching torture. Hmm. Or like the brain dance stuff is like that's when you see that really nasty stuff. I mean you don't really see I mean it's implied that it happens but I mean I'm not like you can't buy them in the game right you can't buy like a bunch of torture

and like watch it that's probably good yeah I don't want to feed people's thirst for tort torture it's implied it's implied how this is deplorable these things are yeah I don't think we should yeah I don't think we should be training

you know anti-social men to watch torture porn right so this is not a utopia they're painting this is a no it's how on there Yeah. It's a dystopia. Okay.

It's literally dystopia. Got it. You know what dystopia is, right? It's not a store. It's when things are bad. It's not a store that sells bongs. Yeah. Okay.

And tie-dye shirts. It's a bad future. Anyway, let's move on. Speaking of dystopia. Alabama. Alabama came up with some interesting rules. They decided that IVF, not exempt from, the whole anti-abortion.

What is IVF? This is when you eat stem cells? This is why do you eat stem cells and it makes you stronger. Yeah. No, it's, it's, uh, I guess people do that too. But it's not like- Imagine if pork rinds are actually IVF stem cell that you eat. That'd be amazing.

I'd love to have pork rind babies stem cells. And just like munching on, making me stronger. I think there might be some stems. I don't know if I'm just like regurgitating propaganda here. In pork grinds? But I think there might be some in like skincare products or something. I mean, that's got to be expensive as skincare.

Probably. I don't think the Kylie Jenner's skincare has stem cells. Maybe it does. I don't want to spare it or maybe she does pony up for the stem cells. Right. Give me baby spine juice, please. Put it in a jar. If people can start eating stem cells and they like them,

It's all over, I think. I'm going to start canning my own. I'm going to buy giant jars of peanut butter. And I'm going to, and then buy bags of stem cell juice, whatever it's called fluid. You know, stem cell spinal fluid, whatever, in bulk. I'm going to mix it with the peanut butter. I'm going to sell this beauty product. Why don't I'm going to make my own cream?

It's the stem cells is what you really need anyway. Right. And women are known. To buy goops. That's true. And just put them on their face. You might have more luck with the women if you mix it with coconut oil or something. Sure.

That's cheap too. That's not expensive. The peanut butter. I don't know how many women want to slather their face and peanut butter. I'm not going to tell them it's peanut butter. I'm going to tell them it with stem cell juice. Yeah, that's true. It is.

Yeah. Or maybe I'll just mix it with Kool-Aid. Why may even buy it in the stem cells? I'm going to get peanut butter mix it with Kool-Aid or olive oil and tell them it's stem cells you can rub it on your face and tell everyone you're you know you're going to live to 100 or some shit put this on your face before you kiss me that that's actually going to me the slogan yeah it's what should we call it um uh something goo uh glow glow glow um glow um Ugo

Okay You go No glow goo No neither was Murder glue Murder glue What What?

What Murder glue Put this on your face Before you kiss me Yeah It's called murder glue We'll have Ryan Gossling do the commercial This is murder glue

Welcome to murder glue It's the new Experimental stuff They say say they say stem cells are murder well we have murder glue it makes you live forever and it's really just coolate in olive oil and peanut butter murder glue so we're taking the stem cells out entirely now oh yeah no I'm moving fast you miss that no we're not using stem cells doesn't exist I can't just buy stem cell juice no I'm literally going to buy bulk peanut butter

I mean for the matter I'm going to charge for this stuff I could just buy a jar of jiff no i need to put in something else anyway we need to get we need to get those vials from the vial of life program remember that vial of life the thing i did my ego scout project that's right yeah geez you don't remember anything i'm gonna mix it i'm gonna mix I'm gonna mix peanut butter and olive oil

in a vial in an uninflated two meter coke bottle and I'm gonna sell this murder glue and sell to dumb women and some men All right, well, I guess that's, I guess that's technically progressive of you. I mean, it would go. Red Bull's so good.

So what's going on in Alabama? Alabama rules, frozen embryos are children raising questions about fertility care, basically IVF. All right. This is when your husband's dick doesn't work, right? Or your womb is too toxic? What's going on? Why are some women's wombs unable to hold life? What happens inside of some wombs?

Is it just full of, is it like pH balance? Is it too acidic? I think you're thinking of surrogacy here because, because I know. I think IVF is when you want to put in your womb. Your eggs are running out. No, that's not what this is. So you've got to freeze them and then put the frozen embryo into your womb. That's not what this is at all.

IVF is in vitro fertilization. How are you, how much are you in vitro fertilization? Yeah. I mean, it's usually when, it's when they basically put the, they fertilize the egg in a petri dish, then put it back in the woman. Yeah. Right. So it's not frozen.

So it's not necessarily the womb, that's a problem. It's the decaying, rapidly decaying eggs. and then some shitty sperm. Oh, so the eggs to K too rapidly? I thought, I thought, yeah, once it was fertilized that this, you know, this acidic wound could no longer kill the baby. But up until that point, it was a problem.

I thought it was like, you know, it's like when you eat too much, you know, chelula hot sauce. Right. And then you, and your guts gurgling. I thought that's what the wound was like. And it was just like, you know, gurgling. womb that was just full of hot chalula the green one which i love it's so much

tastier but it just it goes you you ever use the bathroom after the green too much green chaluba i know if it's not it's not i'm not disparaging it's peppers what you expect to happen i mean they're doing their job chalula yeah they're they're they're juicing peppers and put them into into a jar or tube just like my uh my my murder glue but i mean so i'm i'm not putting the company down. But I mean, you know, you put, you, you start putting it on your, on your wings, you're dousing your wings with this green hot sauce more than you should. Yeah, it's going to start gurgling. Your uterus is going to start gurgling. That's true. The womb is where women store their diarrhea. Thanks. Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes when I'm bubbling, like a

percolator after too much chalula and things are happening down there, I'm just thinking of myself, You know, I'm on, you know, I'm on a certain chair with a hole in it in the bathroom. All I say to myself was, thank God I'm not pregnant. Because this is a baby would come out. It would just come out of me. We just fall out with all this other stuff. You know, I mean, women with diarrhea must, I know it doesn't make sense. But if you were, think about if you're pregnant.

Think about it. Sure. You don't think you've ever been pregnant, right? No. But you can imagine. Now imagine you have diarrhea and you're pregnant. You got, it's got, I'm not saying it's rational, but you've got to be worried. Oh, of course.

Honestly, if I was pregnant every time I take a shit, I'm losing my mind. Yeah. I mean, there's a baby in there? Does the baby fall out? I would freak out every time I use the toilet. That's not that unreasonable. I mean, women who have, like, miscarry and stuff, I think they're taking a shit at first sometimes. That's why so many dead babies, I don't.

end up in the toilet. Can you imagine? So it's, that's the, that's thing you know, God's eat, it was just a monster. Yeah.

No, yeah, it shouldn't be happening all in the same. The idea that you could just, you know, oh, I'm just,

wow, what a rough time in the toilet I'm having. What a dump. Oh my God, it's my baby. And it's dead.

What a crazy course of events. I mean, I'm empathizing with the mother. Yeah, no, I know, it's horrible. I mean,

what, God, Jesus, like he dies for your sins. How many died for that? Yeah. Stop that. What are you testing? Oh, he's, I'm testing you. Really?

How's he testing Nepo babies? Yeah. Oh, you know, has Les Moon Vess's son being tested. Probably has a son. He was at his CVS for a long time. Les Moon Vess. He's a rich guy, for instance. I'm saying, rich, rich man's son.

Is he have to deal with that? But he's taking a big shit and it turns out to be his dead son, his dead baby in the toilet. It's horrible. It's really bad. We don't talk about this enough. No, we don't. Your baby dies while you think you're shitting. Yeah.

Crazy. Now, if you're when these mothers has affected, you're probably not listening to our show. No. But I mean, I'm on your side. No one understands you like I do. Now it sounds like I'm trying to romance them But I'm not I'm just saying but I think I'm the first person in media

To really acknowledge how fucked up that is It's super funny Women have to live with that And then go all you miscarried And like then you go oh I'm sorry And Mike Pence is like trying to make you like have a funeral Yeah Like for you know

A wooden coffin And all the time Your memory of this baby That you died While you thought you were shitting No there's like a woman and uh uh just while we're on the southern like there's a woman and i forget what state it was in but like after one of these uh anti abortion laws passed yeah she basically like had to like the

hospital she was in the hospital having a miscarriage for like a week right until eventually she was like she was shitting for a week well no well she was like almost gonna miss get the baby they were basically waiting for her to miscarry right uh i was having fun with it right i'm on their side but i'm making a little bit of light here we're not we're not we're not running one he's like, you know, this is not a telethon. You're right. I don't know why I took that literally. But it's like, but she goes like, they're waiting for her to miscarry and eventually

she's like, I need to like go to work. Like I need to go. And the nurse's are kind of like, oh, okay. And then later she ends up like, you know, going into, you know, like abdominal pain. Yeah. And she ends up miscarrying in the toilet. And then some, some rotten like nurse like ratted her out to the car. cops and, like, lied to the cops about how she, like, oh, she was saying she didn't want

her baby and she ended up getting arrested. Like, would we know she said she didn't want her, I mean, is sure she didn't say that? Um, I mean, I'm pretty sure she's like, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I kind of know that she didn't want, wanted to happen because she was in the, the hospital for five days. Like, she tried to do it the right way, but it's like, you know, miscarry. She tried to miscarry the right way, like in the hospital. Right. Who miscarry's in the hospital?

Why does some women get to just miscarry, like, it's nothing? Some women just, like, fart, they miscarry, right? I'm not saying it's not traumatic once you realize what happens, but I'm just saying, like, some women just miscarry. And then some women have to, like, spend five days in the hospital? This is craziness. Yeah. We need to figure this out.

I think it depends on how far along you are, but, like. We need to stop having wounds, probably. Just get, like, who wants them? Just get robot babies. What are we doing? Yeah. robot wombs Robob babies

Not robot wombs They'll be made in a factory There's no womb Robot babies Robob babies Okay And that can grow I'm just saying

I don't know what You want The miracle of life Just seems to be a bunch of misery And a few lucky people Who like have a walking baby Yeah And everyone else is just like

It's like shit in death into a toilet You know It's just no one, we act, we act like, how did the, how did God figure this whole out? It must be the, you know, it must be intelligent design. And it's just like, half the women in the world are shitting toilet babies into death. How are this, how do you think is intelligent design? This could be your, this could be your big thing.

This could be your bestseller. You should just write something called rich mom, poor mom. But it's all about how some people have a baby and some people miscarrying the toilet. I mean, what's the infant movie before 1910? Like, didn't every baby die? A lot of babies died. A lot of babies died. Yeah.

This is not, God didn't figure this out very well. No. He was sitting there, he's playing fucking backerad up there. Something. He's playing poker with the devil. When they're shitting fucking babies into dead toilets. The dead toilet society. You know?

The dead. So what's happened? Alabama's society. I think you're going to put those women to jail now? Oh, Alabama. Oh, no, they've been doing that. If you stare, if you end up having to stare at your dead baby in a toilet mixed with shit, you go into jail.

It's illegal now. But they're going to at least arrest you from now. But it's like, but, no, they've been doing that for a second, but now, okay, so I'll just read some of this. An Alabama Supreme Court's ruling that frozen embryos in test tubes should be considered children has sent shockwaves through the world. Can I stroke its hair? That's a good, I think that's a good memory.

Can I play catch with the test tube? Can I tell the test tube is shut the fuck up? I'm watching the Americans again. And no, they cannot watch it with me. It's too complicated. Can I tell? Can I say, I'll explain the plot of the Americans to you in a way you will be able to understand, but you can't watch it with me?

Can I tell the test tubes, if they don't turn Cay you down, I'm going to, I'm going to shoot myself in front of them. No more Cayu! Why is he bald? Does he have cancer? Why is he white? Is he white? Were you the one who thought I, I thought we talked about something like that.

We did talk about Cayu at some point, I think. But now I forget of what, you were, you were, I know you were confused about his race, but I forget what it actually ended up being. Yeah, I don't know. You make me sound like I'm trying to, like, you know, race theory, Kyu. I'm not trying to race theory, Kaiu. I'm just, I just, I didn't know if he was black or white or I don't care.

Who cares? It's a bad show. It's not show for adults. Can these test tubes stop shitting all over my records? My Rolling Stones records? I don't, do I have any Rolling Stones LPs? No. I should buy him, like a boomer.

from Amazon. Just like, I'm gonna blame my, I'm gonna get a bunch of records from Amazon, you know, vinals and, and trick,

and like, put them around my kids. And when they, and when they mess them up, I'm gonna scream with them. You're, they're vintage. They're replaceable.

You, you've wounded me. Just fucking fuck with their heads. But these tests, too, but you can't do that with them. That's true. Yeah, I was thinking of a similar metric

recently where I was, Like, if you could step in it and not think, oh, my God, just, I just, I just stepped on even something. Forget about human. I just stepped on, on, on some. Well, I mean, there's test tubes. I think if you, wait, if you, wait, why do you always find the one thing I can't agree with? You, you would, you would step on a bunch of test tubes and not, and not think anything of it. No, no, I mean, the thing in it. Oh, okay. Well, someone put, yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, what is in it? Is it just liquid? I mean, it's kind of indistinct. I think it's indistinguishable as anything at that.

I think it would be, I think it'd probably be like pork fat. Under a microscope, sure. It would probably be like pork fat or chicken fat. Yeah, it would probably look like that. If I stepped in chicken fat, I'd still be like, what did I just step in? But you wouldn't be like, oh, I just stepped on a living thing.

I mean, what, what was it? A chicken fat, uh, flavored robot? No, I'd probably think it was some kind of a living thing. What do you think, what do you think it feels like? You think it's built, you think it feels like metal? I feel like it would be Like stepping in a little bit of water or something Maybe I feel like it'd be more like like pork fat

Like gristle I don't think it would feel like anything I think a miscarriage feels like gristle At 24 weeks It's gonna feel like gristle Okay Yeah But at one week

What we usually dealing with here with these tubes One week? I think it's usual One week and you look at me One bit of the bells on the baby Oh Was it the bare naked ladies? Uh, yes.

Yeah. Chicken of the Chinese chicken. My favorite band. How are that racist? I mean, I'm not saying it is. It's like, that guy's just saying what's a, let me about it's Chinese chicken. He's just fine.

No one, no, even know what he meant? I don't care. I'm a rat. Just saying. Yeah. I feel if I says about Chinese chicken, people will be all over it. Anyway Okay

And Alabama Supreme Court's ruling that frozen embryos and test tube should be considered children has sent shock waves to the world of reproductive medicine casting doubt over fertility care for would-be parents in the state

and raising complex legal questions with implications extending far beyond Alabama On Tuesday Karen Jean-GNPierre Oh, right, yeah, she's still The one who's always talking about Ted Lasso In the press conferences Yeah, the White House

Yeah, the one who always The White House press secretary The one who keeps turning the microphone Over to fictional character And now we have Toby from the office It's gonna talk us about AIDS One thing I gotta give the right

This is a far weirder Press Secretary Than that what's her name, Huckabee Sarah Huckabee, yeah She's like somehow She's much weirder than her somehow Like, I, I, I, I, I, I think it's strange. Well, sir, Harvey Sanders were just fat and ugly.

Yeah, she's just kind of aggressive. We act like, I mean, this one, this one's like, this one's like, like, doing, like, you know, cosplay with, like, Star Trek characters in the middle of, like, press briefings. It's really strange. And everyone, but for years, we just, who's the other one? Sean Spicer? We just abused Republican press secretaries for being fat.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's, that's your liberal party for you. It's a fair point. But why can't we have a party that, like, doesn't. throw women in jail for having a baby killing shits but also doesn't have press conferences with you know um doubt and abbey um participants you know it's got to be something on middle ground yeah uh said the ruling would cause exactly the type of type of chaos we expected when the

Supreme Court overturned rovers is weighed and paid the way for what chaos it was just I mean I guess there was some chaos I didn't see it because I don't know what you call it a man I was just well I'm gonna be honest right was there a chaos I mean there must have been some

me with there chaos in like playing parenthoods we're just tossing papers in the air I mean I guess chaos is in chaos going inside of a woman maybe like there's chaos going on in there now

I don't think it's what they meant okay you think what like like like too much hot sauce she's saying like your pussy your pussies are all battlefields now. It's that kind of chaos. But I... People shooting at your pussies?

What are you talking about? Chaos isn't really the right word for it. It's more like a... It's more like a... Like, a draconian. That sounds like a crazy movie, like the major... Your Pousies of a battle of now.

And then you're just being just shooting at your pussy. I feel like it would also be a good title for a love song. Pussies a battlefield. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Who are we selling this to? Who is this for?

The judges issued the ruling on Friday and appeals court brought by couples whose embryos were destroyed in 2020 when a hospital patient removed frozen embryos from tanks in liquid nitrogen in Mobile and drop them on the floor. On purpose or they were clots? It's so funny to be the idea

that just because of one clutz in Mobile dropping a bunch of embryos on the floor. Like now it's like nobody can do IVF I mean Was he listening The bare naked Ladies too loud

Chipping the Charming the Chinese Oh fuck I've dropped these embryos I mean Are embryos that Like fragile You can drop a baby on the floor

It's not necessarily going to die Yeah But embryos You drop on the floor once And they're done Yeah I mean I don't think they're Yeah

I mean Isn't the human body Just full of like If I If you put like, if I swallow a bug, that bug's dead. Yeah. Right? Because of all the acids in me.

Mm-hmm. But I mean, an embryo has to, like, live into our body, which I'm sure is full of acids and all sorts of liquids and juices. Yeah. But it can't survive a fall to the floor. It doesn't seem like it makes sense. Yeah. It's like if it can survive the fall to the, like the, through the fallopian tube.

If it's survived it, the deep dicking. But I guess it's meant to be in there. It's supposed to be in that cozy little sack. What sack? The uterus. The sack? Not exactly, but I'm just calling it on a sack. It's more like a ram's head.

A ram's head. Anyway. I mean, look, look, here's me a favor. I think we're all having a lot of fun here. We're all enjoying this. But for the sake of clarity, can you, can you summarize this what we've been talking about in a sentence? A guy drops some.

No, not. What's the story about? the Alabama band in vitro fertilization. So now you can no longer shove a embryo inside you after it's been outside of you. You can't freeze an embryo and shove it inside of you. What if you, but, isn't this used a lot to help people have babies? That's all it's used for. Right.

But I mean, like, what if your dick doesn't, like, can't get hard? Is that for that? It's not, well, I mean, maybe if you use somebody else's sperm, you could do it that way. Use someone's cock. can you inject your cum into someone else's balls? Not yet, I don't think. What if you, can you, here's a plan I have to help with this.

So we drain them. First you get a porn star woman or a prostitute. Someone who knows how to deal with it, right? We're not, you know, we need efficiency here to drain a guy. You know what I mean. Yeah. With our mouth and her throat.

Mm-hmm. Drain them. And then we take another man. sperm we draw it out with a needle and then we put it into his balls right just stick it up as urethra maybe we figure it out yeah we know we put a little numbing juice numbed we have some numb butter up there all right and uh and we and then he has sex with your wife okay I'm just going to be men who can't get this done now because I don't know why I'm fine I can't have have babies when I want to, but these men can't.

Wait, after all of this, after all of this, the guy still can't even have impregnate his own wife. How is he supposed to with his dick doesn't work? What are you, what are you crazy? You think I invented? I thought this whole thing was so that impotent men could still fuck their own wives. How would that work? Because they'd have another guy's sperm inside of them.

Oh, no, I'm talking about situations where like, no, here's here's the deal. Here's what you're missing This guy's dick is so bad That even though his Like if you look His sperm like impregnates an egg at some point Right in vitro Yeah

So it can happen But his dick is so bad at fucking He's just got bad such a bad dick That for some reason that can't work So you get his other guy with a functional cock Yeah And you give his guy And you put this

Yeah And you put this like shitty sperm into him And he look It's not ideal but he can make it work because he gets to dig deeper in. You know, he curves and he spoons and he massages the tits. Whatever. Again, this is not pornographic show.

Imagine. Imagine subjecting yourself to that indignant, to all that indignity. He spits in your ear. And realizing that the bull's still the father of the baby. He's not. It's your come. It's your DNA. I mean, look, you got to get a DNA test.

I mean, we didn't train them properly. I mean, there's going to be some bulls out there who just don't drain. Yeah. You need to drain them. Yeah. I mean, if this clutz can drive a bunch of embryos, some clutches is going to not drain a bull properly. Some klutzy woman. Right.

It's not going to suck them hard enough. Mm-hmm. Clotsy woman. Just saying. Look, I mean, a lot of people don't do their jobs. I can't, you can't throw a system out because some people don't do their jobs. That's true. So in general, this man has to be sucked clean

and have the sub, this lesser man's come injected into his dick. And then which way he can shoot it into her, the woman, as it were. Not the woman who sucked him. I mean, I guess, look, I mean, I guess sometimes the woman who, like a woman, could drain him and she's the same woman who's getting pregnant. Yeah. Typically, I'm talking about efficiency, but people are going to cheap out. And then, look, is it ever possible that a woman could suck her way to be pregnant?

I mean, I guess. No, right? No. So, okay. That's the only, that's how your thing would happen. It sounds like the kind of thing you'd see in hentai. I don't think. They don't think of, typically with monsters and tentacles.

They're not really dealing with a woman who just gets pregnant might. Well jobs That's just not really I feel like that's what they would do though If what if you made hentai Yeah I thought I was in charge And one day

Lucy goes to Japan Lucy's Japanese adventure Yeah Can you speak Japanese? No The arrogance The arrogance of you I think they would just listen to you

Um, go on. Okay. Referencing anti-abortion language in the state... No, at this. I mean, is there more of this? There's a little bit more, maybe. I don't know. We can move on. We're talking with the mafia, so...

Um... I look, I don't want to make light of babies. Enough. I'm drawing a line right here. What happens? Some of the mafia went to jail again? Uh, reputed mobster gets four years. in prison for extorting NYC

labor unions. I mean, I'm not trying to get clipped here. So I'm not going to talk bad by the mafia. I mean, it doesn't even exist as far as I know. I think it's also something the FBI made up. You know? John Gotti was just a food and beverage

man. But that being said, imagine being the one guy left. Was there even extorting in the NYC Labor Union. Do those exist anymore?

Right. No, this is very old school. Well, read me this story. Authorities say a mafia member has been sentenced. A mafia member? What is he? What is his Equinox? A mafia member?

The news is really falling out of practice writing about the mafia. A mafia member. What are you talking about? Is he a maid man? Is he a soldier? Is he a Don? What are we dealing with?

Mafia is actually the name of a cardio boxing chain. We're going to murder that love handle. We're going to whack those love handles. I'm going to whack your husband, too. It says a mafia member has been sentenced to more than four years in federal prison for his role. You can't say more than four years. It's like four plus. I mean, just say it.

Four to ten years. More than four years is not sounding a lot. More than four years. years, all right. I mean, like, you're not exactly like, you know, dissuading people from joining the mafia. You could be sentenced for more than four years. Vincent Ricciardo,

Ricciardo, a captain of the Colombo crime family, was also ordered to pay $350,000 in forfeiture and over $280,000 in restitution by a Brooklyn court judge. Rick Hearder who's also known as Vinny Unions Vinny Unions That's a little on the nose Yeah I mean

We call him Vinny Unions Because he extorts the unions for us I'm Bob murder women I'm I'm Bob I'm I'm I'm

Um Pleaded guilty to racketeering last July for his participation in the labor union extortion, as well as money laundering, loan sharking fraud and other mob schemes. I don't know what people want the mafia to be. The one thing the mafia should be involved with is unions, right?

You need unions to have a violent side. You can't just be like, hey, we're all going to strike. That's not how it works. No one really cares if you strike. They're going to send their gun thugs after you. You know, like Gillette Razors. or the Thomas English muffin people,

if you work for them, they're going to send their gun thugs if you try to strike. I don't think anyone should be taken seriously politically unless they have a gun thug. Right. The mafia is the answer to gun thugs at that point. Right. Yeah, that's the other side of it.

But, yeah, I mean, what did you have to do? I mean, how does that work, by the way? You work for, like, the coal company, like in the Harlan County documentary. How do you become a gun thug? Like you work your way up from like a coal picker? They're pecking coal and then go, look, we really value how well you pick coal with a pickax. But I think maybe you'd be better with a gun pointing at other.

Well, no, they were the. They probably say that we're hiring you as security or something. Right. It wouldn't be gun thug. It would just be security. Right. Yeah, that's the derogative term for it. Yeah, I'm not a gun,

I'm just a security and I shoot at my coworkers who strike whatever. I mean, who is like, I mean, some people hate their coworkers, you know? It's true.

I mean, some people are like, I don't, I don't have any, I don't want to, what am I going to go to club meetings with these guys? Oh, yeah. I'm going to go get drinks with them. Oh, he'll have a get together. Yeah. And it'll start like at five, but then you're hanging out to like 11.

Yeah. You know, it starts an hour before you, So technically it's on the clock. It's a happy hour for an hour. It's like a happy hour for one hour. If you show up between five and six with everyone, you can't get a single drink at your shit bar in Brooklyn. It's free drinks.

You get one free drink if you're lucky. Yeah. And then you get drunk and you start telling the guy from IT, you know, all this weird shit that you can do. I'm just making it off. It didn't really happen to me. I remember, I remember getting on the bad side of IT because I got drunk and said something.

I forget what it was, though. You remember that? I don't know. I think me and you were both picking on this guy. Oh, really? It's a weirdo. Yeah. I'm sure he deserved it.

Yeah, I mean, anyway, we picked on deserves it. Prosecutors say it started in 2001. Oh, way back. When Richie Ardo started squeezing a senior official with a Queens-based construction union to fork over a portion of a salary. who was this who was this mark who just started forking over give me some of your money okay

I mean the guy puts a gun in your mouth bro yeah who are you the gunny man fuck you was he thinks you'd be like fuck you pull it pull it motherfucker I don't always assume that it's like you're probably right they probably had previous

encounters I love this idea like you're just like you gotta put gun on your face and you just put your mouth around imagine that though it'd be great it'd be so hot it would be so hot

and then so sad oh if he did yeah I mean look I mean one guy in that position is gonna actually blow your brains out yeah seems crazy I mean honestly that that would

discount my entire life ethos if that guy did that nothing I've ever said would work which might be pop could be true you know Right. Anyway.

Rousseau and other Columbo leaders. Who were the, what is the, have you heard of the Colombo family? Of course. It's one of the biggest mafia family's in history. Oh, it is? Yeah.

What's his name? Was it Frank Columbo? I'm pretty sure the Colombo guy was the one who started that whole anti-deformation league that was actually like, you know, like the whole gimmick. The Italian anti-defination?

Right, but we're not all in the mafia, but he literally was. That's great. Yeah. I love that. It wasn't Roy Columbus. But yeah. No, the Columbus was one of the baby, yeah.

It's like, it's like OJ's lawyer starting the Innocence Foundation. Yeah. Yeah. The In this project. Which like, apparently they're taking the case of Scott Peterson. Scott Peterson, yeah. Remember with Lacey and Connor? Right.

Everyone thinks that, you know, who like, if he is innocent, he's still a guy apparently who like, was like hanging out but his like his like girlfriend while his wife and kid were missing right yeah that seems a little suss I mean honestly if you if you can't if you can't not go

console yourself in your in your whore girlfriend's arms while your wife and child baby child are missing and presumed dead probably just go to jail I mean that just seems like you're not even trillion

what are you doing what value could you be society You can't keep out of your whores hands for a second Where your son's being Where your sons remains are being filtered through in a toilet Yeah, there's got to be just like a charge for lavish displays Of being guilty maybe Yeah, being guilty maybe Yeah

But guilty maybe You're a baby You're a baby Is in a toilet How does it feel You got a whore. You're guilty, maybe. Can we get Rebecca,

I mean, is Rebecca Black doing anything? Can we get her to record a new version like that? Maybe. How much would she charge us? I mean, that wasn't Rebecca Black's song, but she could still record it. Which one was that? That was,

Oh, yeah, that was a... She's probably poor, too, now, right? Oh, yeah, I bet she'd do it. So, call me, maybe. Was that a real song, or was that a fake one, like Friday? That was a real song. Okay.

But I bet she's, yeah, she's probably free yeah let's call her yeah we'll tell her she's doing satire or something tell her we'll tell her that ray's gonna romance you anyway um romance in the toilet like that movie romancing the stone but it's remitting the toilet yeah she should call the episode yeah we should oh god What have we done? What have we done?

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