Kump - Ep. 224 Is Kump Alive?

Episode Date: August 8, 2025

Marc Maron is out here talking to Howie Mandel and allegedly coming after Ray Kump for hiring “Navy SEALs” (who may or may not be homeless) to protect himself and his wife at comedy clubs. Ray sets the record straight, breaks down the culture war over grilled meats, shares his recent 17-lb weight drop, and explores the etiquette of acid attacks. This episode is part prison romance tutorial, part security strategy seminar, and full-on mind control operation.Join the Kump Empire.👇 Bonus Episodes Every Weekhttps://patreon.com/raykump

Of course I'm alive. What do you think? I'm actually thriving, okay? But I'll tell you what, Mark Marinbert keep his name out of my mouth. He's been talking a lot of smack. A lot of these out there are talking to Howie Mandel about me. We'll get to that in a bit.

He's tiptoeing around it. He won't say exactly who he's talking about. But we all know he's talking about you. We'll get to that in a minute. Yeah, I don't want to bury the lead here, but we'll get to that. But first of all, welcome to Kump. And, you know, we have a lot to get to today.

but Mark this will not stay with Mark Marin all right I'm not gonna allow Mark Marin to besmirch my name he wants to talk about you know I'll get to it now

what why am I under attack for hiring Navy SEals to defend me why is he why am I at target why is this guy who does

what's he famous for the for thinky pain is that his comedy special that's the most recent one. Well, maybe if he had hired a few Navy SEALs to keep him safe. Maybe he wouldn't be so intimidated by a guy. But he's running out there. Mark Barrowing the comedians, you know, allegedly,

allegedly the comedian is out there running his mouth about how I hire homeless guys and pretend their Navy SEALs to defend me and my wife. When we go out in public, when we go to a comedy club to hold court. And I bring these men, these armed men, Men who, you know. Strung out, men.

Of course, you think you're not strung out from war? You think you go to war and you're going to be okay? Everything's fine. War is hell. Nothing to lose. War is hell. And the men who I pay to defend me are strung out. They're a shot.

And they will attack you. Well, look, I mean, we're going to get into trouble here. Don't, don't, it's a less loaded statement. They will do. Whatever is the right move at any given time. I will not stand for my Navy SEALs to be called, hey, homeless, they smell bad. You know, some of them are fat. You know, they're constantly hitting on people, you know, other guys' wives, trying to intimidate them, asking people for food.

I've also heard they don't stand for pregnant women on the train when you guys are going around. I've heard complaints about their basic civility. Look, if you don't gradually increase your leg strength as you get more pregnant, that's not the fault of my Navy SEALs. That's not the fault of the men that I contracted for defend me and my wife. Yeah. All right. And just me, look, oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you don't have it in your heart to feed a soldier. You know, you know, if you eat half a hot dog and he asks you, you're going to eat that, he comes up to your table. You have, you know, and he comes up and goes, hey, you're going to eat that hot dog. And it was, I just try, wait, what? You want my hot dog? People aren't saying stuff like that. Why, you want my hot dog.

It's disgusting. What are you a vagrant? What are you homeless? And they pull the gun out. And things get nasty. And I'm to blame. Why do you think I'd hire people? Because the world's full of conflict.

Yeah. The world is full of just terrible, you know, misunderstandings. And I need guys on my side who know, who know the ins and outs of combat. You know, despite the fact that they practically make the world more dangerous, I feel safer when they're around. Well, if I have to, the world has to be a little more victimized so that I can be okay. Yeah. And my wife can be okay. That's what a man does.

That's what a man does. Thank you. Thank you, Lucy. That's what a man does. He shields himself with less mentally stable men to protect him and his wife. I mean, look, are they shell-shocked, maybe? I'm sorry that, you know, our wars of treasure didn't leave them, you know, centered and zen-like, you know? I'm sorry, I'm sorry they're not, you know, they don't do Pilates like Mark Barron and his friends.

I don't know what Mark Maron wants. He's talking a lot, you know, he's going on the Howie Mandel show about talking about me. And the men I hire. And I'm just, I'm pretty sick. I'm pretty sick over it. But otherwise I'm doing great. I was doing so great today. I woke up.

I was doing my macros. Right? I've lost 17 pounds in 10 days because I'm by pure willpower. I'm chefing. I'm being a chef now. I'm doing meditation. You got us a wonderful, uh, uh, little Joe what is it called a little a little Joe a little Joe a Smokey Joe a Smokey Joe I got the Smokey Joe grill and uh from Weber and I'm gonna make I'm gonna make all sorts of grilled meats because I I was living in a first of all before we get any further like the show you like people you know we already like to subscribe to the show stop saying subscribe fine like it you know everyone reviews it should

like it, put your, put your, put your, put your, put your name in the sand. Stop being afraid of Mark Maron. Well, your free Mark Maron is going to like, you know, write down every, every guy who likes the, the, to come podcast and then report you to some, you know, some, some, some child protective services because you won't let your kid transition. Oh, this guy, they like come podcast, and he hires homeless guys. And I think the guys, you know, who like the like and subscribe won't let their kids transition. that's free you know he maybe he'll do that i don't know what business is i have no i have no opinion of

anything but if he if he thinks he's gonna ruin my career i'm i'm just so i i feel ill thinking about him how smug he is yeah he talks about my homeless i'm in my navy seals now uh also patreon that com slash raycom you get an extra episode every week for five bucks a month that's fine that's a fine thing to do okay so here's the thing I am the Smokey Joe is a grill from Weber

and I'm going to make a lot of vegetables on it I'm going to make a lot of chicken on it I'm not going to be the guy anymore who says I smoke out my apartment every day trying to make chicken steak oh I don't have a window on my kitchen oh I don't have a proper ventilation hood oh I live in a I live in a slum

and I pay too much money I took action I bought a Smokey Joe. Can you get, can you bring a picture of a Smokey Joe? I've been seeing like, what is this? Having an issue with. What is that part of the Smokey Joe website?

Here it is. Oh, this is going to be a wonderful grill. This is a wonderful. I'm going to make so many smoked meats on here, grilled meats. Look at that, Sparagas and grilled chicken. What's Mark Burns got a problem with that?

You go, why don't you feed that to your Navy SEAL? crickets on that grill. Why don't you put some crickets and and your and your daughter's cock on that grill? If you want to be a good person. Yeah, what I mean,

Mark Barron wants me to have a daughter and then what, like, yeah, like, you know, and then put it on a grill. And I'm supposed to like treat it. And I'm just, but we're equals. We're just two guys who podcasts. I don't think, I think that's dirty pool. I think you should just focus on your own

content all right and and you leave you keep my name out your mouth and you stop talking that germaphobe Howie Mandel and you keep the Navy SEALs names out of your mouth I don't even know they don't even have names look I think they're lying when they tell me that they were you know that they served and you know whatever you know they said they were they were they got the Medal of Honor they said they all got together I don't think that works that way I don't think you can just get the middle of honor together. I think there's like three of them, right?

You know the guys, the guys. Right. And they said, you know, and they keep lying about having the middle of honor. I mean, I'm not saying that they're the most honest men. I'm sure they've done terrible things in war. You probably want the people who've done terrible things. Yeah, you want, I don't want some conscientious objector, okay? I don't want some guy who, like, when he saw a bunch of Iraqis, you know,

running away from the big machine guns said like oh they seem like I wanted the guy who was like you know just just deadheaded on did his job it's not your job in the military to decide things yeah you don't want the person

ringing their hands going out should I should I take the life of this child right is does that woman really have a a gun under her veil yeah or is this or or is or is uh you don't want to

somebody who's splitting hairs all the time i don't need a soldier splitting hairs i don't need a guy i hire to protect my wife at a bar splitting hairs i need i need i need a ferocious man dog of a man he he doesn't have that dog in him you know what i mean that dog wolf wolf yeah that's gonna be us babe look at look at this this is a couple on the ground this is that smoky joe in the foreground this is affirmation material. This is the kind of thing I want to see. This is the kind of thing they don't want us to have. You look at that picture on the right.

You see on the right. This is what they, this is exactly what the culture war is about. There's two white people have, you know, cooking a few nice meats and a few veg. I mean, look, I don't have to be white.

It doesn't have to be white, but I mean, they don't want I have to say, I'm for everyone. everyone's gonna get a smoky joe i'm not the one trying to they're the ones trying to stop white people having grills right they're they want it for themselves yeah guys like marron right doesn't want me to have a smoky joe i just think he's like i don't i why is everything got me you know oh why what you couldn't hire a black guy they do they probably could have mm-hmm why's every commercial got you know why can't why can a white guy grill a grill a piece of meat anymore in his country is that

possible or you're allowed can a homeless guy accept a little money in exchange for if anyone anyone comes up to me in a bar and just talking shit about how you know like why are you wearing what you're wearing why are you

you know if I'm knocking in a glass if I knock their glasses over a big slob and I go well yeah you're fat so what they call me I lost a lot of weight recently I lost 17 pounds in 10 days and I go by my What are you doing?

No, no, I'm doing the right things, macros. I'm doing macro business. And they go, and you go, well, it doesn't show. I'm just eating complex carbs now, slag. Yeah, I got rid of simple sugar so my blood sugar doesn't spike. And I eat a lot of protein earlier, so I don't get as hungry. And they go, why are you knocked over our glasses? And that's when I want this, like, the guy, what was his name?

do we know I need Bob Bob the Navy SEAL who happens does they have a home I don't know do you follow your employees home it doesn't make sense to know too much about these guys do you think Henry Ford follows factory workers home and make sure they had homes I pay this man to protect me and so that's whatever his job is the blindside that guy is my point because you know you don't ask quite you you better off asking him for forgiveness than permission. Exactly. So, you know, like, I'd rather he just, you know, throw a bottle, you know, just start pissing everywhere, you know, flip a table, and then, like, you know, maybe he says to borrow a fire. I don't know if this is a fire. The point is to create chaos.

Chaos is, you know, the best friends of everyone. If you have money. If you have money, you want chaos. A lot of the time, it all boils down to them doing something extremely destructive so that we can kind of sneak out Right Yeah without too much Hullabaloo

Mark Barry was saying Well he only paid them like You know A hundred bucks a month or something like that I go well yeah they're barely working Most of the time they're just bothering people Most of the time They're just making more problems for me

So yeah I give I get a hundred cash a month And I let them have sips in my drink You know if I get a burger all them have some fries You know I'm trying to I'm trying not to eat out of his month They're going, you know, they're not, they're not, let me go to a bar now. And I'm like, hey boss, you can get a burger? We got some meat of your fries.

I mean, no, I'm not diet. I'm watching my, I'm doing my macros. And they're like, well, how are we going to eat? I'm like, I'm not your dad. And realistically, like, these are the kinds of guys who, they wouldn't, they wouldn't be the most charming, like, you know, people. They wouldn't be the most charming beggars, you know. They wouldn't be making a lot of cash. No, these are the guys in their regular life.

It's really, it's just, it's just whatever the market can bear. Funny thing is they were beggars when I met them. Right. You know, you're using a Navy Steel can't beg. But they make people and they don't have, even the social skills of most homeless people. They would get into people's faces, spit at them while they were asking for money. Well, because they're not, they're not pussies. Right.

You know? I'm sorry. I don't mean to research the homeless, but these are men. Right. Because they're real men. Yeah. And then where they're war. So, you know, in some way that attitude is what shows you that they'd be a good.

security guard. That's why I think they're not homeless. I doubt they tolerate that even though they smell like they're homeless and they have all the characters other characteristics.

I'm like they're too, they're too confident to be homeless. They're very confident men. You're self-assured. There's got a good head in their shoulder. Their heads on a swivel all the time. And you go, oh,

yeah, but Mark wants to talk about how, you know, I exploit these men. They're basically, you know, I treat them like human cattle. It's not true. I don't eat them. I eat beef

not as much to mushroom macros but I don't know what you think cattle is but I don't they're doing a job which I replace them

with AI should have chat sheet BT defend me that's a gimmick now oh I should have I should deep fake some Navy seals and then like you know show some guy

at a bar when he told when he says hey I'm I'm gonna I'm gonna seduce your wife tubbo and my, hey, I just, instead of, you know, instead of, instead of sticking my Navy seal on them,

this happens all the time. Right. Hey, Tubbo, I'm going to seduce that wife of yours. That's your wife? Frazy, I'm going to seduce her. And I go, I have to pull up my phone and then show what, some AI generated picture of some soldier and go, this is my security guard? That's not going to work. I can't outsource this. Right. They need to be there at the bar with me. You have nothing to apologize for. I don't know why I'm put it on the back foot by this by this supposed so-called comedian He wants to talk about the Rogan sphere the manosphere the cump sphere

You know Sickening he wants to be on yeah I like that show he had when he was uh when he was you know When he was going when he was a homeless guy that the show was Marin yeah, but I believe the plot was he was a homeless guy who kept like trying to live with young women Like a dog I'm not saying But you know You're like College girls or whatever

He kept trying to like Move in with them So he's And then you steal their cats I don't remember exactly It was a long time ago I mean I'm all I'm all for it

I think that was a really funny show I'm not a cop That episode where he became a subway slasher It was great Right Yeah Oh you gave you like you know That thing when he set up

The thing on the toilet In the public restroom And you know It was a needle It's his own Congratulations now you have AIDS and it was like And they go

And they leave it ambiguous They leave it ambiguous They don't know if he actually is doing that I mean they don't have a plot point Where he gets AIDS So I assume he's just doing a gag But you mean It's it's like a David Lynch film

You know But I mean I don't go back through his career And just try like you know Like police what he did on camera Right What we've had that scene I doggedly defended him

Yeah When people say, hey, that's over the line I was like, hey, there's a line I said, yeah, he said he's an artist Right, he's the right, now there's a line When I do it Or my men do it The men I, you know

Oh, we don't pay him a living wage What's a living wage anymore? I got like I got like I got like what to keep like a chart For groceries costs now And like every time like the price of eggs go up I got to give them a raise I'm not equipped for that

All right This is this is this is your killing capitalism You're supposed to me to pay these guys a living wage The army, you know Keep me alive That's a living wage How is that? See?

Where they're there? Keep me alive That's your living wage That's your job I don't know why People think I'm a post show over They think I'm a patsy. They underestimate you?

They always think they're going to, like, just, like, throw me under the bus, and I'm just going to, like, take it. You do seem to have a lot of tails throughout your life of people, just kind of assuming. Yeah. Assuming that you're, you don't see what they're up to. I see my mile away, and then they put me in the corner, and I just, and I deconstruct the corner. So don't, don't, don't, don't be another one, don't be another statistic of guys that have smarted. You work best in the corner. corner.

I worked bad. No one's put me in a corner in a while and I've actually done very poorly. I'm miserable. I need I need this is why I, you know, look, should I have gone through like a, like a firm like black water? Can I, can I buy? I mean, I didn't think I was allowed. I was, I could afford it, you know? If you all think I should have a more stable, you know, armed security guard force, you know, guy like Rogan does it and so everyone's thought, oh, those guys are like,

elite he just he just does whatever he wants and he knows karate himself but maybe we should bring those guys on the show you know because i've been thinking you you you should my howard stern you should have a bunch of homeless guys on the show i'm howard stern i just think you would work very well in a in the in a crew context yeah we could use a zoo crew you're right i wouldn't mind having a zoo crew like some got like beetle juice yeah we're going a picture of beetle juice i'm not sure if everyone knows that beetlejuice the homeless was he homeless when they met him this is uh he's dead he's alive still good for him this is a man and look and Howard Stern would have him on I don't know I wasn't a stern fan but uh does is beel juice allowed in the Hamptons as big

Hampton's house now does Howard Stern allow Beetlejuice to come and hang out in like bridge Hampton or wherever he or Southampton or wherever he lives did he allow him come to Sagaponic and go hey Why don't you have a Why don't you have a Mohito My my my

My servants Were back over if he This man Beetlejuice came I don't like if you're the people are in audio I'm not talking about the Michael Keaton film This is a An African American gentleman With a very large teat

I guess I don't know what's wrong with him Honestly now that I remember Seeing him in the past and thinking he looked pretty weird, but he doesn't actually look as... He's unusual. He's unusual. Howard Stern made it seem like,

oh, you must, you belong in. Pee C. Barnum would not hire this guy. But Howard Stern's like, you know, you're a freak. Don't let's than anyone else. You're actually, though, you're actually a genetic, you know, calamity. P.C. Barnum, we're like,

why, he's just a guy. I need real freaks. You know, women with beards. Fat men. I don't need beetle juice. So, yeah. Yeah, PT Barnum would need, like, a good story to make that work. Yeah, like, oh, this guy, this guy was defending where he cump.

He was a soldier and someone threw acid on them. I mean, look, yeah, I really hope that I don't get, I, the worst thing could ever happen to me is I get acid thrown in my face. That's the worst thing. I mean, look, that would be horrible. I love people, people who are like, oh, the worst thing that happened to me is I like, you know, I stop enjoying. classical music or some nonsense they say no i mean like something horrible no i've honestly i i can't obviously yes that would be very horrible i mean i guess if i but i got to say i dwell on that a little bit myself right like if i if i if i get acid attacked i'm gonna be so pissed off

you can you imagine like oh like why why don't you live in a house why don't you buy your wife a house why don't you have health insurance why don't you have any of the things that adults have I go, oh, so I should have that, just as well, I get into my face and take my house? You got to build in the right order. You know, you know what sucks about getting attacked for the acid?

Yeah. Is that like, you know, the whole point of the attack is to kind of like, is to shame you, you know, I feel like usually when people do it, they want to shame you. Right.

About your, like, like turn you into a monster and while it hurts. Oh, yeah, I see what you're saying, yeah. And like, they want to give you something, they want to give you something. They want to give you.

If you were, like, they basically, they have a bunch of jokes about a guy who's acid in his face. Yeah. And they want to use them on you. So, like, for my first, I got to throw the acid in your face. And then I have so much, I have so much material for acid. And it works. Like, you know, that's exactly what it does. I, well, do get me wrong.

Like, I respect people who get attacked by acid and then they become activists or whatever. But it's like, it's a cruel joke of attack. Hypothetically, if you, just hypothetically, if you drew acid in someone's face, the next time you saw them what's the line you'd use that you have in your pocket now um you got one but do i um okay so i throw acid in their face well you use the whole point it's a shame i i i'll start you know calling the mush mouth would probably be really hurtful wow are you gonna wait for them to talk or you're just gonna call them like it's just like like like because they're usually mush mouth there's like someone would be like on me

someone like I call me much bad because I mumble sometimes and that's usually what it implies yeah but you're kind of putting that on his head because your face is mush too so you're not even going to wait for them to say hey much mouth yeah so you're not gonna be it's not gonna be like hey and you're like mohah and not if they tried to say anything bad like they won't be able to talk well right but it's funny that you call them much before you even get a chance yeah that is a great move yeah because yeah because usually

it's like um it would be bad enough if they were like hey you suck you're really asking me to step into the mind of a villain here. Well, I mean, you brought this up. You're, it was your thing. I mean, I'll come up with a line. No, but I'm saying, but like a lot of people would go, hey, like, hey, you suck, burn victim. And you go, mu, mu, oh, what was that mush mouth?

But you're like, it's so much better when you're like, hey, mush mouth, oh, yeah, see, what was that wrong? You look prescient. Right. That's the word. What would I say? Yeah, I would be so upset if that happened to me. I would, if I was in your shoes, throwing ass to the people and then see him again later at the library or whatever, I would just be like, hey you, why don't you brush your teeth?

Like, you smell your teeth. This guy's breast smells awful. Look at him. Just because everyone already sees his face. His face is burned with acid. You don't, like, you don't got to say that. Yeah. You already, and you, like, it's one, if you just met a guy who was acid in his face,

and it's not really for you to say that. Yeah. I'm not for, like, victim blaming or, or piling on. But if you're the guy who burned someone with acid, you then, like, it is your, you, you did the work. Right. You know, so, I mean, like, you, you saying that's kind of just, like, you know, you put the effort. Like, that's like when, like, someone, like, plants a garden, they get to eat the lettuce. You know?

This is how it works. You're allowed to, you're allowed to. You're allowed to eat your own tomatoes. What is it about acid that makes people's faces like puff up like that? Because it's like if you get- Something there's a pH scale. If you get burned with fire, somebody with a lot of fire burns can actually still be kind of cute. Well, sure.

You know, they're unusual looking. Yeah. You know. I don't know. I'm not that from- I mean, I, I, first of all, I never said that if a woman had acid burns, I wouldn't, you know. I'm happily married. But I mean, you know, I'm not like, I never, I've never, I've never, I've never gone on, I'm not like, you know, I'm not Howard Stern. I'm not like Mark Barron. I don't go out and go like, ah, you know what? I can't stand women with ass and burns. Disgusting. I'm completely unaroused by that. I wouldn't bother saying that. I mean, I take every case as it comes, you know, case my case basis. Right. This is how I live my life. But, uh, yeah, I mean, but to answer your question, probably. something to do with the pH scale and or, you know, just, um, you know, like, jails.

I don't know if ask it counts just a gel, but I mean, whatever, it's like if you, if you, um, what, what depends on, like, fire is fire, right? But like, what's on fire? Is it a grease fire or is it a paper fire or wood fire? Yeah. Garbage fire. These are all different fires, right? And like grease fire like spreads differently because it's on grease, right? And like it sticks to things. Right. Or something like that. Um, So if someone throws grease on, fiery grease on you, I think it sticks to you long or flaming pitch, right? In the Middle Ages, it's called oil pitch, I think. Yeah.

And they would flame that. We don't need to show it. I was just looking at some. We don't have to show them. But she actually looks kind of cute with us. Yeah. I mean, it's all fine. It's all fine.

It's not about. I think it's just the end up being the worst of asses. This is the kind of thing Mark Barry Emerson interprets all the time about me and you, you know, us. Yeah, we happen to be talking about cases. where we're, you know, if, if my wife burns someone with acid, that's not the same thing as picking on people who are burned victims. Yes. You know?

True. It's a different thing. Keep it in the context. Context is very important. You know, you, you, everyone loves beef. You know, everyone likes to talk about the Twitter beefs, right? And like, oh, what's this guy? What are the beefs are happening this week?

Do you remember firsthand? But there was. Tucker Carlson's Nick Fuentes are beef. There's also one with engagement rings, and it spiraled into a bunch of right-wing e-girls calling each other whores. Yeah. Right. That's not, is that beef, though? I guess it was like a multi, it was like a multi-directional beef.

So what happened with that one? So basically it started with one young right-wing woman posting her in. engagement ring. Yeah. And then, you know, engagement announcement. And then another girl commented, like, why is it so small? People were piling on her for being small or, you know,

inexpensive looking or something. Right. Didn't look that small on it. Yeah. But anyway, like they were, and then that turned into somebody accusing someone else of getting fingered at a conference. Yeah. And then it's,

these conferences are just baccannals. Sure. and this is all I eat and stuff up with a hammer They eat up with a hammer Oh yeah But if I if I start talking about how You know

Who's getting acid in their face Who you know Who's who's Who's life is getting ruined Which is actually an important issue Right And you almost I'm the bad guy Right

Even though I didn't make beef culture What is The Navy SEALs have never used I've never used acid Have they to defend us Look, I mean, I don't know what Eddie Gallagher, you know, he might, I don't think it's a standard issue. But I think if the Navy SEAL, you're allowed to pick your weapons.

Sure. Like, it's not like the regular army where, like, they give you a gun and they know, this is your gun. I go, okay, a different gun? No. Like, you can't be like a kind of attention to eagle. No, you're not, like, regular. But if you're a Navy SEAL, like, you can buy your own stuff.

They might buy it for you if you're really good at shooting. You know? Yeah. It's kind of like, it's like if you joined. Metallica as a guitarist they might buy you a better guitar like if you were one of those guys like just homeless again the homeless guys I'm the bad guy but Metallica hires a homeless guy would be a great thing right if they if they felt if there was some guy who's living in his car playing you know death metal songs on YouTube and was how it was like hey we like this we're gonna join our band we'll pay you know we'll pay a 30 grand a year to be in Metallica uh they might buy him a better guitar it was really good right you know what I'm saying

kind of like that but like if I try to draw Metallica they you know they're gonna buy me I'll get a gretch guitar I can barely play anything you understand the difference yeah so Navy SEALs allowed to have

you know they might have acid is my point yeah if that's their thing if that's their weapon they might come to their boss their general go hey look I got an idea I want a board gun full of acid well wouldn't it melt through the gun And he was like, well, we'll figure, you know, maybe you get a scientist to help figure this out.

All right. And then I'll go at MIT or whatever and they go, hey, like, look at some intern. Can you? And it probably is. So you probably have a thing where, like, because acid's got to be inside something, right, glass. Right. So instead of being plastic, it's glass. A glass gun.

You make me a glass gun that can shoot acid. That does sound deadly. Yeah, right? And everyone acts like, oh, that Navy SEAL, but Navy SEAL is a war criminal because he shot acid is different one. That's what doesn't do with whether I, you know, my point is like, what's the difference?

What's the difference? Honestly, what's the difference getting shot in the face with a bullet or an acid? But, but like, you know, like bullets are actually worse in a lot of ways. Bullets are like, if you got shot in the face of a bullet, it's actually much more dangerous,

I feel like. But, but you know, but acid, it's just like it's, like, you could easily survive that if it didn't, you know,

if it didn't go in your eye, even if it did, I don't know. I don't know what kind of, or different kinds of acids. I mean, honestly, you're describing something kind of like technically more peaceful, but also nightmarish. Right. That every time there was a war, like, I'm just mentioning every time there's a war, like, people don't die nearly as much, but like they get that, but everybody is like horribly scalded with acid after a conflict. Well, I'm reading a book right now called Fat, Salt, Acid, Heat, and I haven't gotten to the acid chapter yet. Right now it's just about, like, salting your meat.

but I mean, I'm excited for the part where it gets to like, where it's like, you know, I mean, the fat chapter's like, oh, use the kind of olive oil you can use. Interesting. I've been using cheap olive oil my whole life. You didn't realize. Apparently, Americans eat rancid olive oil.

I don't even know it. And they actually used to it. They're conditioned to like rancid olive oil because they're suckers, apparently. They don't know any better. But now I know better. So I can't, so I can't wait. Change my life so far.

that fact alone changed my life I've got better olive oil and I can't wait for the chapter where it tells me how to throw ass in people's face because I feel like that'll also give me maybe I won't even need to pay these Navy seals Have you ever gotten a little bit of lemon

A little bit of lemon juice in your eye? Yeah, yeah It hurts pretty bad It is not great I mean like it's not At the end of the day it is acid Like it's like it's like oh it's like It's not hydrochloric acid right

It's also furic acid. But it's like how much more painful could that be? That's how much lemon juice hurts. They say if you over-salt your food, you can put acid in it. If you really over-salt it, could you, like, you, like, is that, like, should I throw, and to that point, if, like, it's the, there's, like, the way you call it, the community of property and math, like, should, like, if I saw a person get acid, like, if I saw a woman get acid thrown in their face in the middle of Times Square

right well-known to the M&M store horrifying I'm coming out of the M&M store um yeah the last symbol of freedom and some guys like hey you you cheat on me cheat on you and he took a subtle you know ass in your face right in front of me I'm like oh my god

um he says you cheat on me I'll cheat on you well no you just said cheat on me cheat on you he kind of was a little more poetic about it right yeah um but that's I guess it's implication I think he's

I would call a guy at Laos but my point is before that before I bother name calling if I happen to have like a big thing of salt on me should I throw in her face should I throw salt in her face

when I counteract if acid curves over salting can oversolting curb acid That's a really interesting question Yes Or are you just Or am I is it hurt That would be an interesting way

to try to save an acid effect. People, I got like Mark Barron would play this clip. You're just salting her wounds? Yeah. Well, I just think Mark, I can see Mark Merrin like on the Harry Mandel show and like, look at, look at Kump. Look at Kump doing this. And he's literally throwing salt in her wound.

And she, and look at how she screams, it hurts. But I would say this to Mark Maron. You know, like some things that are gertry wounds hurt. You know, you get a wound and you got to throw alcohol on it to kill the virus or whatever. someone stabs you you pour out all on the wound you're supposed to sometimes the sting yeah that brings screaming the stings worth the juice is the sting that heals is the sting you is the sting worth the lemon

juice wait no yeah should we play some of this thing that you're talking about you but did you want to play this mark mary anything is you have the clip we're talking about me do you have the main one we're talking about us um yeah let's see for what you do I've been seen like jeselnick having an issue with

people like Tony Hinchcliff who he's saying uses profanity or just shock value comedy what's your thoughts on at this point it's lazy and sloppy and hackneyed you know to be in a fucking club where you know I walking down the hall at the comedy club at the comedy store and you know in one room someone's doing their bit about trans people and then I get down the hall

and there's someone on stage going well I guess I got to do my bit about trans people like no you don't you don't it's fuck it's hack now what's the part where you know the one who talks about how I I just hire these homeless guys and they and they're hurting people and he doesn't want to do shows with me anymore sorry that might be later in the video whatever I'm not gonna go find you on your own I'm not gonna bother but yeah there's a whole

different part of this where he's like he's going like and right comp he's you know I don't think he had a transmit but you know he but he does this whole thing where he like has these guys and keeps saying your Navy SEALs but they're clearly homeless guys and they're just pissing and shit and everywhere all over the all over the green room all over the kitchen he goes in the kitchen and has some chicken fingers

uh for his for his boys and you know you know you know you really got you can have a meal you you know you we don't even want to give you a meal because you're not performing but well but i mean you can't i'm not gonna like fund your these guys and like well they're soldiers and then they come wandering in and their pants are off and they're shitting on the floor this is the story he was telling the highway mandel and he's just like it's not true it's just not true they're terrorizing new york city it's like what do you care you live in LA right well that was LA yeah yeah I mean I'm I'm by coastal okay I can be I can be on any coast any given time you and your boys you don't know where we live I have

different guys on different coast and they'll protect me anywhere all right and I don't need a guy like Mark Merring going like hey we're going to the owner who owns the comedy store Mitsi Mitzie is it Mitzie Ross the Pauly Shores mom she's died right just saying i don't i don't need him spitting in the rear right spit and pissing the rear telling them telling them about me exactly you i feel you i feel like you're i feel like you're not committed to to my my you know you're like seeing both sides here i feel like i really i really feel like even like i could see how maybe if they wore uniforms well you oh i thought i got buying uniforms though. Uniforms might

calm people. It might they might not look as threatening. I bet he'd be like, why are they wearing these uniforms? They're wearing Nazi uniforms. What is this about? You know, Ray Kump brings in these guys and dressed like Nazis. And then people get mad about that. Or if they weren't wearing skull masks. Yeah. Why couldn't you give them just chemo?

Well, I thought it was out there. I just want I want people to be on to be on edge and just leave me alone. And so if they dress like That's just because, you know, it keeps the focus off me. Yeah, it's like, people are like, why are your boys, why are your Navy SEAL protectors wearing a skull masks? And it's like, well, stop doxing them.

Right. Stop attacking them. Why is he wearing a Jimmy Carter mask and offering to suck people in the bathroom? Why is that? I think, well, who were you, Socrates? What are these questions? Am I some guy? the Canterbury Tales or whatever.

You know, I'm being questioned here. You know, it's not your business what soldiers do. Just because, you know, what do you, I don't know what I'm supposed to do when I go out in public. If I'm supposed to just like, you know, allow people to like, you know, treat me like Jesus, just grope me, touch me, like, like, swarm around me and like, oh, make us more bread, make us more wine. You know, I'm just to take it. Just like treat me like you know that like lift me up like I'm crowd surfing like you know Just just throw me and and then like roll me around in flour and like and then bake me and What's supposed to happen here? I can't be manhandled

I'm thinking about I'm thinking about hiring some more men I just what I mean how many how many are you are you aiming for like eight you know just just a bunch of like I want I want I want like four guys around me any given time like a diamond pattern and I want a guy I want a forward guy back then a guy could watch my back see if anyone's tailing me you know and then um and then some guy you know some other guy to just be like a floating option right just just just just just just more of a cleanup guy you know and you know you know you that's the thing it's like you you like you don't need to like have like people like oh we need to get immigrants to do these jobs

like people there's plenty of people who don't have homes don't many money you give them some money yeah you don't have to you don't have to outsource everything there's plenty of homeless here there's plenty of desperate souls right i think and it can be turned into you know assets for you and yours anyway moving on on. And if people can front us, if people say, oh, your guys are, your guys are forming master blasters and, and, you know, attacking people on the subway, we never said we were role models.

Why did, why did your, why did your head of security roll a bowling ball at a school bus? I don't know. It's like asking Bill Gates, why did the guy, uh, who designs, uh, the, the clipy, the Microsoft off as clipy why why did he beat his wife i don't know i don't know everything about every employee i ever had being an employee employer doesn't mean you're the mayor right you keep track of everybody oh why why why is why did you pay this guy to the go into the mnm store and then like and just pulling the ummms his mount and then and then piss himself yes

I thought it would be fun for everyone I thought I'd always be I didn't realize the M&M store was like you know was an accounting firm I didn't realize it was a it was a court of law

where you couldn't have some fun I thought like you know it was a place you could do pranks yeah the elk boys and look it's this is you need the firm hand and a soft hand

you need the hard touch and the soft touch there's a reason God gives you two hands. If you want to have Smokey Joe in the park with your loved ones and you know, bask in the sun and just have a leisurely life, you need the hard fist of the Navy SEALs. If I didn't have homeless Navy SEALs at all times

watching my back, if we try to enjoy Smokey Joe in the park there'll be people mugging us. Why are you both? Why are you both? white people just kicking it why you both white and why aren't you biracial enough yeah I don't know what's happening is what I love and then we go no no good no good

culture war you should give some of that asparagus to me right and then all of a sudden you're you're just ears in the bathroom with them you know you know how this happening no one's watching my back that's why if you refuse yeah

Cole's fucking scattered across the lawn. Yeah. Your wife's getting dragged to the bathroom. You're just, you're I was in the bathroom. Oh, or you're getting dragged to the bathroom. Dragged. Okay, I guess so, yeah. I didn't drag. Whatever.

I don't know. This is why I need, I need to have employees of men to keep me in line. To keep me, watch my back so I don't make bad choices. You know? do you out there want a better life do you want to make money do you want to meet women you should listen to me i could teach you how all right i'm sick of pretending i don't

i have all these tricks you know stop listening to these fake ass men i'm the only one who matters Let me be your everything. Let me be your everything. Oh, I used to be modest. I used to pretend like I didn't. Who am I to tell you how to love? He really do you open a woman and you tell them that you've, that you're, that you've been to prison.

They will, you, you look, here's the thing. You go, let's just roleplay a little bit. We don't know each other. You're at a bar. Okay. Hey, hey there. Hey. You know, where you're from?

You know, I'm from Long Island. Yeah, I was in prison. Oh, for what? What did you do? My, I was molest of my parents. Why would they send you to prison for that? They framed me. They said I was, they said I was like, they said I was making a mess, you know, coming to their house, bothering them,

during the trash cans on the floor. I lit their trash cans on fire. But really the whole time they were molesting you? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. See, here's what you did there. Look, it's definitely a conversation starter.

Here's the thing. Of course, you, if you want to be Mark Barron, Mark Barron about it, you can go, well, that doesn't make any sense. You know, why would you go to jail for being molested? Why would you, you, you, even if you did, like, your trash guns on fire, was that, you know, what was that prison? How much stuff? You're overthinking it. You know, here's what you don't want to do.

I was a prison. Really? For what? Murder. Too much. It's too much. You got to give them, you have to basically,

very confidently give a bunch of reasons why it's not that bad. Because you want her, you want to be the bad boy, but you don't want to be like the bad, but you don't want to. But women also like the whole idea of a grand misunderstanding. Women love to. That's a bad boy, but it's only because there's a misunderstanding.

Right, right. They love the fixed men, and they love men who, you know, just get caught up in things. Mm-hmm. People act like it's just all about confidence. They love men who just get, you can't keep, can't keep it straight. Yeah. You know, I think I got molested, but now I'm the bad guy and I'm in jail. They love that.

They love the confusion of it all. Mm-hmm. So that's what you, that's what you, that's what your lie should be. You lie to women, you know. Right. It's also, who would lie about this? Who would make this up? That's the thing.

You need that plausible liability. Because here's the thing. You're not six foot four. And you're never going to be. Until the, you know, you, I don't know why. They can't just saw your legs off, put them back on with more leg on it. They can make, they can make it intelligence out of computer parts. You know, they can make a sentient man who teaches me how to do macros.

Right? Yeah. I got my chat, GBT open, and I'm like, how do I eat? How much fat and calories and cholesterol? And that's not macro. The carbohydrates and those it all. But, but like those resources couldn't be put towards just like cutting a man's legs open and shoving more leg bone in there.

Look, they can actually give you, they can do a leg extension now. They should do it every time then. But the only thing is that you're basically disabled for the rest of your life. Right. know, in order to get some, some height. I'm not asking for the stuff garbage in your legs. I know they could open your legs up and just have McDonald's wrappers in there. I'm talking about, like, actual calcium bones.

Right. I'm fine. I'm not like, but there's guys out there who like, I'm a married man. I'm fine. I'm fine. There's guys out there who can't get it going because the women think they're too short. And so I'm sorry, you have to lie about being in prison. That's the move.

This whole thing of like, I don't know who taught these guys to go, no, I'm, you know, actually be mean to women and like, and, and, and then try to get them to, like, be a housewife and, and, and, and call them horrors. I mean, like, that can work. I'm not saying, you know, if you, if you have the gift of gab, you can make that work, but it's much easier just a lie. What happened to this country? So you tell. It's true. It's all about making a lore for yourself.

Right. So he's becoming, becoming a, becoming. a larger than life figure in your mind. So in prison I was actually the guy who was in charge of all desserts. That's actually, honestly that's really good. Yeah.

Because it's kind of like his feminine side is a little bit represented in there. Right. I was the pastry chef in prison. Well, I mean, it was like a Dunkin' I'm kind of thing. I mean, there's no pastry in prison. You basically take the, you know, I imagine it's like camp where you get like the

crappy cake at camp sometimes. the cornbread almost it's basically a cornbread but I would do things like I would I would make a little I would make frosting out of a I would take a I would take a little sugar what could you even make frosting out of in prison I'm trying to think I would just I would just I would just get like a I would think I would say I would take salt I was I was like mix it with water and turn into a frosting sounds I mean in reality it's disgusting but this woman is a bar she about it's not a Coke. Honestly, if you want to get a lady, you should just,

you should start by trying to become like a prison, a prison lifestyle kind of influencer. Yeah. Here's some of the desserts I would make in prison. Right. No, you start, start an Instagram thing and just pretend you're in prison.

Like, just say, I mean, I feel like that's like I enjoy, I mean, the content I enjoy of prisoners. might be fake for all I know I mean I always thought it was real it would be hard yeah it would be hard to verify sure I want to call a warden hey I'm enjoying this you know

TikTok channel I just want to make sure he's guys actually in prison oh it does that yeah so you tell this this this this hooker this this you know dits that you would you would take you would take salt you're putting in your mouth and you kind of gum it up like a fly does don't flies do something like that have pollen. Don't they make them kind of a gummy thing. They mix the

or the ants with the honey. Something like that. You tell them what it's actually what ants do. I watch the ant documentary. I learned this. And then you're at a bar. Matt, because honestly,

I'm, you're in to roll. You got where you are some guys, some guys talking to you about Mark Marin, you know, right before this. You're like,

oh, I love, I love all those albums. Stinky pain and the other ones. All right. And they, I love him in glow. Oh, they won't shut up about Mark Maron. And then I come along and I'm like, you know, I like to, I like to fucking, you know, I'm like an aunt.

In prison, I would say it's off and put in my mouth and make it like a weird paste. And that's how, that's how it makes frosting for the boys. And she's got you, you, you're telling me some woman's not going to have sex to be done. Or at least take, at least take you out, you know, take you out to dinner. buy you a meal yeah should I buy you a meal you get a free meal

I can't guarantee you're gonna get late every time you do this but I mean if women don't want to hear about this I don't know what the world's the world is gone to hell

this is a very interesting content you know this is a very interesting story that you'd be telling in this case I'm the one making it up now and I'm like I'm intrigued like I mean like you're out there going does he have his plan

I'm winging this part and I don't know but if I'm being you know objective here I think it's like I'm how has this story end right I think also a good strategy is to tell women that you used to be homeless yeah you know that that's also kind of like a like when he isn't homeless currently right but he has that kind of rough past right and his history that can be kind of intriguing right and what happened when you were like would you live in the street? Like, yeah, I was always, like, Mark Barron was always mean to me on the streets. Yeah. We walked past me. You know? I go, like, who?

You know, who? Oh, yo, you know, think he pain? That guy. Yeah. The guy wrote thinky pain. He was always throwing his coffee at me. And, you know, whatever. You know, um.

You know, and you make up a noble reason that all these things happen to you. Right. You know, the molestation thing is good. So I'm not getting thrown into prison for trying to protect somebody. Look, thank you. First of all, thank you for the compliment. Like, let's continue the roleplay. So, yeah, my parents molested me.

And then, like, they say, like, was it garbage and the fire? To follow, give me a follow question. Wow, that must have been really hard for you. Like, how did you cope during that time? You just got to try to get in shape in prison. So we got to do, it's just, you know, I would put the salt in my mouth. you know, get ready for that meal, nice meal. Yeah.

It was my job. Yeah, you told me about the mouth thing. Right. So, but while I was doing that, I would like double, I would like kind of do double duty. I was like, you know, kill two birds of one stone. I would like, you know, do a bunch of pushups of potlids to try to get tough. But don't they have gyms and stuff in prison? No, you know, there's a lot of the guys there, they, they would, they would, if I tried to go in that gym, they would, they would, they would be, they wouldn't, they would be the shit on me.

they were they were they they were they because I got labels a victim I got labels of you know you're laughing it's fine but you know it's like you know he's guys are very big you like on normal street you know I'm I'm not saying I'm a Bruce Lee but I could probably defend myself a lot of I mean he's the guys in prison are very big and uh and then you know and they hear they hear oh that guy got molested by his parents we can probably do whatever he wants them so I had to watch I didn't watch my steps and so I had to work at my own in the kitchen with my potlids, you know. That's right.

Yeah, well, I guess, yeah, that is a creative. I know I should be a tough guy like Mark Marin and go, oh, no one can ever, you know, or me. Did you eventually? No one could ever shove it inside me without my permission. But, I mean, these are big guys. And then they get together in a group. Who knows what happens? So working out with the potlids, eventually did you get confident enough to go into the,

to actually go into the weight room and defend yourself? I mean, look, you were asking if I was ever assaulted, yes, I mean, but I was pretty careful, usually. So, I mean, you know, if that's what you mean. Yeah, I mean, it's not like that American History X movie, all right? No one has to sew anything shut.

It wasn't that bad. All right? If that's what you're getting at. You know, I actually don't like this line of questioning, honestly. I think it's a little invasive. So sorry about that. I feel like you just want to make sure

that I can function down there. It's fine. It's working fine. If that's your interest. All right. If you're so selfish and all you care about is, oh, can you get the job done?

Yeah, I probably can. All right, but I was trying to open up to you about the whole situation of me. And you really just be very, you're being very, what's the word, transactional about it? I don't like it. And I just think, you know,

I think you should be a better person. to quote my favorite YouTuber Do better The other guy The guy who gets fitness Oh yeah Mind your business

Mind your business I would say this is the woman Mind your business and do better Apparently he got in trouble He said something nice about Hulk Hogan And they got mad at him Oh really? Yeah I don't know

I hope he's doing okay Mind your business lady You gotta do better Here's the thing do you think what do you think is a woman what do I think is a woman no as a woman

like that whole strategy oh um look I think that the prison thing yeah that definitely has an allure to it but you'd rather right not be like not have been assaulted I just wonder I just wonder if if

you know the whole the vulnerability of the molestation part counteract some of the bad boy energy that you're creating by lying about having been in prison. No, because I... And it's not like, and I would understand

if this was actually your story. Right. If this was actually your story that you got molested and then ended up going to prison for it somehow. I can understand why you wouldn't want to hide that. Yeah. From a... No, my parents did.

It was my parents. It was me. I did this. And they put me in prison. Like, it's like, you're right. That would be really, I would burn my ass. Yeah. I'd be like, well, no, no, I'm not.

shut my mouth. I don't believe that anybody who's happened to should have to live a lie. No, right. I agree. But since we're instructing people to fabricate this anyway, I don't know. I guess you can just be like, I drive a Lamborghini. Is that a better a lot?

Hey, I'm a doctor and I drive Lamborghinis everywhere. Look at me. I'm 5 foot two. I mean, I'm trying to give people things they can use. Right. Things they can help them. Look, like a, well, yeah, of a hot doctor, of a hot 6'4 doctor with a big hog and a Lamborghini rolls up into a bar and says, hey, I'm the Prince of England, but you want, you want to, you want to get slipping slides up inside me? Yeah, women will say yes, all right? There's a lot of ways to get, you know, to get, to get, to get going.

Honestly, more men, I do think more men should be trying to pretend to be a prince, like trying to pretend to be royalty. dressing in velvet yeah you know like if nothing else is by far the finest material the finest material like you know if you are a little bit short or a little bit stubby

or you know people just overlook you why not just start to addressing head to toe in velvet you know people call swinging a can that's a great point I'm basically describing Willie Wonka that's a great point no let's do another rule but so I'm

I'm a short guy in velvet in this scenario yeah i woke up to you the bar hello oh hello i like your suit i love that velvet suit thank you i've worn for myself the day i got out of prison now we're getting now we're getting something yeah i'm just celebrating so i'm i just got out of prison see this guy already feels quite and quite intriguing yes uh do you wonder what the prison for what well because you know people always treating me you know like you know your hair short guy energy, like Joe Pesci. I have, yeah.

Yeah, people, you know, people get the chip on their shoulder. So I've always been accused of being short. People always accused me of that. And I said stuff, okay, you're not tall enough to live. We're going to make sure you die. No, that's rude. And I put up with it, it was too long. And finally, I started doing methamphetamines all the time.

Right. And I ended up, you know, robbing some guy's car and it was the whole thing. and then he called the cops. Yeah, and that's when you went to prison. Yeah, because my life was in shambles. It was just too much stress, you know, whatever. But now I'm all right, because I was in prison, I was, I was, I was desserts. That was my old gimmick.

Just making desserts and working out with potlids. And that's behind me. I put it behind me. And I just, it's been so many years since I've had sex of a woman. I'd love to I'd love for that to happen Honestly I feel like we're imagining the next chapter And the life of that bagel store guy or something

The guy who had that meltdown at the bagel store I could have made that guy president Mm-hmm And I still can He's not too late Bagel Star guy Was the name show up Chris? Yeah

Let us groom you That's the president I could make him the head of I can make him the mayor Give him a top that guy That guy should have a top hat I mean, whatever. People, this is the kind of, I'm always misunderstood.

I'm always, people are always getting the wrong idea about me. But if they listen to me, they might actually do something with their life. They might make it, they might make a positive change. Thanks so much for tuning in. Thank you. And yeah, we don't forget. You just like this show. Like it.

Like it. Like it. Otherwise, we die. Right? Otherwise, no smoky Joe for us. Otherwise, I go back to prison. it's back to the it's back to the spittin the salt sugar sugar water spit factory salt I use salt instead of sugar I don't really give me sugar and uh also patreon that combsle

every week five bucks pretty good deal I mean look is it a better deal than than president I think so have a good night