Kyle Kingsbury Podcast - #101 Paul Chek

Episode Date: August 12, 2019

Paul Chek is no stranger to this podcast. He is a world-renowned expert in the fields of corrective and high-performance exercise kinesiology, stress management and holistic wellness. For over thirty years, Paul’s unique, integrated approach to treatment and education has changed the lives of many of his clients, his students, and their clients. Paul graces us with his knowledge on relationships, divorce, communication, and insecurities.     Connect with Paul: YouTube: https://bit.ly/2IJrbi0 Paul Check Institute : https://chekinstitute.com/ Instagram: https://bit.ly/2GO8jLq Facebook: https://bit.ly/2OHl94I   Show Sponsors: Waayb CBD www.waayb.com (Get 10% off using code word Kyle at checkout)   Onnit EMCT Mocha  Get 10% off all foods and supplements at Onnit by going to https://www.onnit.com/kyle/   Connect with Kyle Kingsbury on: Twitter | https://bit.ly/2DrhtKn Instagram | https://bit.ly/2DxeDrk    Subscribe to the Kyle Kingsbury Podcast Itunes | https://apple.co/2P0GEJu Stitcher | https://bit.ly/2DzUSyp Spotify | https://spoti.fi/2ybfVTY IHeartRadio | https://ihr.fm/2Ib3HCg Google Play Music | https://bit.ly/2HPdhKY

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stuff you don't want, and packed full of beneficial fats and nutrients you need for a clean, sustained energy on the go. Anything worth topping from your coffee to ice cream to fruit, just got a big guilt-free flavor upgrade, all with just a few stirs of a spoon. So go on, get back to living that optimized life. You've now got one less thing to worry about. Grab your bottle of Onnit's new mocha flavored emulsified MCT oil at Onnit.com. Mr. Paul Cech, Cheeky Cech, Microphone Cech, Paul Cech has joined us again. I think he has the record for people or for a person who has come on the show the most. And there's no doubt why that's the case. I mean, I really can take these episodes with Paul any single direction I want to. He has a wealth of knowledge in many, many things. This was prompted by an

episode that Aubrey Marcus and I did on Living 4D with Paul Cech. That's his podcast, Living 4D. If you haven't tuned into it, we do a two-hour episode with Paul and I going through the hero's journey, which is absolutely fantastic. Highly recommend people start there. But also take the dive into, because this has already come out on his show, the Living 40 episode where Paul Cech, Aubrey Marcus, and myself discuss open relationship. It's a fantastic episode. And it really prompted me for this one where I wanted to take a deeper dive into the benefits. How do we benefit in every single relationship we have? What are the ways that we can optimize our relationships, whether we're monogamous,

open, poly, you fucking name it. Everybody needs to optimize their damn relationship. And Paul gives some really, really cool practical ideas and basics that come down to taking care of yourself and being better as a partner. Hope you guys dig this one as much as I did. Thanks for tuning in. Paul, check, check, check. Check me out. Check me out. Check myself.

Me, self, you, self. I love it. Well, you know what I've been singing to myself? Singing? Since the last time we've been together was the love song. And I'm drawing a blank on it right now because this is the fifth podcast that I've done today. It was the last time we were sitting with one another. Do you remember the song?

It was the one that we made up? It was the one that we sang ourselves in. Oh, yeah. No, that was our group. Remember, we made that song out of our group intention. It was the... Oh, damn it. We give our love wherever we go.

We are happy. We are healthy. We are whole. Yes. We take our love wherever we go. We are happy. We are healthy. We are whole. Yes. We take our love wherever we go. Because we're happy and we're healthy and we're whole. We take our love wherever we go. Oh, yes.

We're happy and we're healthy and we're whole. We take our love wherever we go. Yeah, yeah. Dun, dun. Boom, boom. That's a good one we go. Yeah, yeah. Dun, dun. Boom, boom. That's a good one, brother. Yeah, that's one that pops into my head oftentimes when I'm in the sauna. Angie and I actually made that up doing our own medicine work and then shared it with our classes for the students.

It's a kind of a motto I want all my students to embody. Yeah, it really does resonate highly with me. So we just finished, I mean, not just finished, I think my third podcast of the day, Aubrey and I were on the Living in 40 podcast. Yeah, man, it was awesome. It was an awesome one. Yeah. And sure, we got close to two hours on that. That's good. Yeah. I'd like to have four or five or six if I could get my own way. Chocked full of good stuff. Yeah. And that was in large part around open relationship. Yes. And so one of the things that I was thinking during the conversation, obviously, as I said this last time when I was at your house is there's a million ways we can go with these conversations

with Paul. So how do we narrow that down? But it was popping into my head that quite a few people listening to that podcast, whether they're curious or not, don't want to have the conversation with their significant other about opening the relationship. They want to figure out a way to make monogamy work. And so I just wanted to touch on what are some of the critical ways we can navigate through our relationships, whether that is open or monogamous or anything in between. How do we navigate successfully through relationship in the world? Well, I think when I do relationship work with people, the first thing I do is tell them there's four ways to handle a relationship challenge. Sometimes they're referred to as the rules of relationship challenge. Principle number one is when there's a relationship

challenge, work on yourself. Rule or principle number two is work on the relationship. Number three is do nothing and know that yesterday equals tomorrow. So you go into a Groundhog Day experience where nothing changes. The thing is, that's mold in a relationship and mold never is static. It consumes the whole thing. And so you see people staying in those kind of relationships, but they're really not relationships. They're expressions of codependency and fear. Fear of not being loved by somebody else.

Fear of having to start over. Fear of not getting what you want and it's easier to deal with the dragon you have in the bedroom next to you than in the one that you don't know. And then the fourth principle is get out of the relationship. Typically, I've found in my own observations with students and patients and clients that if one partner in the relationship develops one chakra level more than the other person, then the relationship begins to be very challenged. So, I have a principle I teach, never get out of arm's reach of your partner. The arm's reach means the day you can't hold hands and engage and share and grow together, then the relationship begins to

crumble. You're out of step if it was a dancing relationship. You're out of tune if it was a musical relationship. You're a note off or a step off, and so toes get stepped on and people trip and fall. There is a very aggressive option, but it rarely ever works for a reason I'll explain, and that is to do option one, work on yourself option two work on the relationship at the same time but the reason that doesn't work is because most of the things that cause problems in relationships are unconscious processes that we are unaware of and judgments that we're projecting onto the other and convincing ourselves that someone's cheating on us or that they don't love us because we said or did or whatever but most people um don't actually have the confidence to engage their partner in

honest exploration of their judgment or their fear because they're afraid they might be right and then they feel diminished and if they wrong, then they feel insecure because they've already started a big fight over it, or two, or 10, or 20. So, what happens is it causes the relationship to freeze in that area. because most people don't know themselves deeply enough to know what they truly want. It's only when challenges arise in relationships that they're starting to get more clear because their unconscious patterns, beliefs, and behaviors are actually meeting resistance largely from the partner's unconscious wants, needs, desires, or patterns of behavior. So it takes a fair bit of committed work on getting clear within oneself and doing one's own healing work to get clear what you really do want in the relationship or if you even want to be in the relationship. And I've had many, many patients come to me with health challenges that ultimately very quickly I found out that the

relationship was on the rocks and either divorce was right on the table or they were about to announce they were going to get a divorce or they were discussing getting a divorce. And I've told everyone never ever get a divorce until you take at least a three-month vacation from each other so you have time to be with yourself and take the responsibility to feed yourself, care for yourself, because often we don't realize how much our partners do for us. We assume them. So when you have to be by yourself and then you're responsible for fulfilling your own sense of happiness, joy, love, and you have the opportunity to sit quietly with yourself. Then you can get clear on whether or not you're really in love with that person still or feel compatible with them. the most painful things that can happen to a person is that they divorce somebody out of a knee-jerk reaction or they're projecting too much of their judgments on them without actually

investigating it. Their partner leaves, falls in love with someone else, and a year later or two later, they're married to someone else. And in the meantime, they finally figured out that they really were in love with their spouse. And that's one of the most painful things a person can experience is being immature and insecure which leads to a divorce which then leads you to one or two or whatever years of healing only to realize that you were the challenge in the relationship not them and then you have tremendous empathy for them because how much of your shit they put up with and then you come crawling back on your knees but they're already found somebody that's more at their level and and um you've lost your love and that can lead someone into a deep crisis you have

it's almost like like through the divorce uh the knee jerk divorce it forces you to go through the first principle the first rule where you you you to go through the first principle, the first rule, where you have to sit with yourself and work on yourself because there is no one else around. There is no other relationship to work on at that point. A lot of people just jump out of the pan and into the fire, though. So they get a divorce, and the next thing you know, they're in bed with someone else, and they think because the sex is good, they're in love. And so they just keep repeating the same behaviors over and over again, and it's always somebody else's fault. And then you get to the point where you hear women say,

there's no good men in the world, they're all taken, or there's no good women in the world. And that's really just a cop-out, and that's somebody whose unconscious is projecting so heavily that they're out of touch with the reality of themselves. Let's continue on this. I want to continue this deep dive into relationship. One of the things that we talked about on your show was the absolute need and requirement for quality communication. And obviously, both of us are huge fans of the book Nonviolent Communication, how they recommend it to people and it goes past just your significant other it's how you communicate to your boss uh to your children to anyone for that matter and to yourself and to yourself exactly that's where it's got to start

you can't communicate more effectively with someone else than you do with yourself it's impossible because you're the basis of your own communication you understand what i mean whatever kyle's relationship with himself is is the uh foundation of his relationship with other people someone who's insecure in their relationship with themselves can't be more secure with someone else they can only become codependent in other words someone who's insecure in themselves does well for a while in a relationship with someone else that's constantly propping them up. But that's usually part of the projection that breaks down as the relationship matures. And then when that person starts, you know, when the shine of the lure wears off and now the projection is breaking down.

In other words, you projected that they were Mr. or Mrs. Perfect or they were going to rescue you or whatever your fantasy was when the fantasy breaks down now you meet the person that's been there all the time but you know the sex drunkness or the love drunkness was stopping you from really seeing reality and so uh you know you can't really have a better relationship with someone else than you can yourself because the entire point of perception is within you every experience you know you might be having what you think is fantastic sex with someone else and assume it was good for them but then the next thing you know you hear through the grapevine that they think you're lousy in bed and you're like wait a minute what the hell destroyed how could that be she had three orgasms and, you know, we had sex eight times a week.

But, you know, so the point is, is that because you made an assumption that she was happy or he was happy in that intimate exchange, when the feedback comes back, it can be quite painful. But the reality of it is, is most people don't realize that before you believe that feedback, you should go right to the person and say, oh, I heard from so-and-so that you were unhappy in our sexual relationship about such-and-such. Is that true? find out, no, that it wasn't true. Or you might find out that maybe they were in a bad mood about something that happened and they said, oh, you know, his dick's not big enough or some silly

thing like that, but it was really just their own, you know, shadow coming up, but it wasn't really the authentic way they feel. So, because we are the sending and receiving point of all the interactions that we have, until we do what the Sufi's call polishing the mirror of the heart and look deep enough into our relationship with ourself, we can't really see what our relationship with the world looks like because I'm sure you've experienced in your own life, every time you heal something in yourself and grow, the whole world looks different. Yeah. Yeah. It trickles into every experience in life. It does. I want to expand

upon that too. So principle one, working on yourself. Obviously, we've spoken before about psychedelics and we just talked on your podcast, Living in 4D, about how that's benefited us in our own relationships. What are some of the ways and practices that you teach people to work on themselves, how to get quiet and how to implement stillness into their lives? There's a lot of them. I often tell people, if you go see a real shaman, there's four or five questions they're going to ask you. And those questions all point back to your relationship with yourself. And that is also going to be your relationship with life. So the first question is, when did you stop singing? So whenever someone's in some kind of a crisis and you find out, oh, I stopped

singing when I was six. And I say, well, what was happening in your life at six? My mom and dad went through a divorce. Ah, so what was your experience of, who did you go with? I went with my mother. What was your experience of your father? How do you feel about the decision he made to leave your mother? I felt abandoned. So right away, you see, when I stopped singing was the day I also felt abandoned. And my abandonment caused enough pain that I stop singing. And so if I don't get rescued from my abandonment by daddy, then there's something wrong with the world or something wrong with the daddy, so I carry the pain around.

So therefore, one of your first ways to begin healing yourself is to begin singing. And I tell people, sing in your car, sing in the shower. But, you know, there's a saying that says, happy people may not sing, but singing makes you happy. And when we're expressing our voice and we're singing, what you'll find is you'll unconsciously be attracted to the songs that carry the frequencies if emitted by your own voice to harmonize your own chakra system. For example,

have you ever smacked your toe or your hand or hurt yourself and found yourself going, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, fuck, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, that hurts, ah, ah, ah. You're healing yourself right there, right? And if you listen to the sounds that somebody makes when they're hurting, it's hard to tell whether they're having an orgasm or not. If you're in the next room, that person's either having a lot of fun or they really just got hurt. And it's interesting too, because as Joseph Campbell says, if you look

at the etymology of the word bliss, it's rooted in the word pain. So, there's a fine line between bliss and pain. And really, in order to really have an appreciation for bliss, we have to have some exposure to pain or we don't have a complementary opposite to work with. So, bliss becomes meaningless. Joy becomes meaningless. So, singing is a way to take responsibility for shifting our inner state and we can sing whatever we want however we want and if people don't like to sing i say just chant so um what if you're in pain about um abandonment then you can say the world is say, the world is my home, the world is my family, the world is my love. You can ignore the trees. I say, start with where you feel love. Do you have a dog that loves you? Then practice sharing love with your dog, because if you are in a relationship challenge where you feel the flow of love is diminishing, it may be because you're too dependent on someone else

creating that sense of love and connection for you. But if you take responsibility to pet your dog and sing to your dog, then you're practicing changing your inner state and you're practicing using vibration. And if you look at animals, pets, they're very good at shaking off the pain and we often don't shake the pain off we kind of wallow in it and so the next question is when did you stop

dancing most people in our culture stop dancing usually shortly after they've been married for a while it's also the same time maybe it's a coincidence maybe it isn't when they stop dancing usually shortly after they've been married for a while. It's also the same time. Maybe it's a coincidence. Maybe it isn't when they stop getting blowjobs. Yeah, that might be true. Yeah, yeah. I haven't investigated that, but I trust your judgment. Thankfully, I still dance in case people are wondering. Yes, yeah. With or without the lips. So, when did we stop dancing? And when you think of what dancing is, it's a spontaneous, free expression of our bodies. And when I teach my classes on how the chakra system embodies itself, and I remind my students that mind is an embodied and relational process that regulates the flow of energy use the right music and it's rhythmic, it's easy to take ourselves into somewhat of a trance state or a full-blown trance state where you actually transcend your challenges. So, in alchemy, to rise above your challenges is called sublimation, to rise above.

And so, if singing and dancing can be used, we can actually take responsibility for using spontaneous movement and allowing our body to guide us to wiggling our hips or twisting our spine or shaking our spine and doing things that actually liberate trapped energy in us. And all of a sudden we start getting more clear. And I've found in my own experience that oftentimes things that you thought were really a big issue and you're all hot about after some singing and dancing seem a lot more manageable. It's like, why did I get so upset about that? Or, oh, you know, worse things have happened in my life and I worked through it. So I think a lot of it is being in a good relationship with your body and your feelings, because our feelings are very connected to our body, right? If we feel depressed because of something outside of our body, like a relationship, then we experience the depression

on the inside. If we feel diminished, then our posture drops down and we look like somebody who's got low self-esteem. But it's very hard to have that low self-esteem posture and experience if you start singing and you start dancing. So, when did you stop enjoying stories? Most of us enjoyed stories when we were kids, whether it be cartoons or, you know, novels be cartoons or novels or Batman and Robin or hero movies, which are all based on archetypal themes. And one of the things about stories is us, our own stories are the most important story, but a lot of people forget that they have the ability to edit the story. that way? Or is it something you're conditioned into believing from parental exposure or family exposure or genetic traits being passed down? Just like cancer can be passed down, so can relationship strategies be passed down. But I think that one of the techniques I use is I have people write out their story, i.e. their myth, right? Your myth is the story that you tell

yourself about how the world works and your place in it. So, I often have people write out their story and then I say, now let's read this story as though it was somebody else's story. And sometimes it helps to change the name of the characters and sometimes I say, write your story, but give yourself another name, but embody that character with your life story. And then when I sit with them and we go through the story and I say, well, what's exciting about this story? And bit slow and hard to sit with? Well, then I look at that with them and I say, okay, well, if you were the, if you work for Warner Brothers and you wanted to bring this story to the level that it would captivate a large audience and leave some juice in there so they can find themselves in the story and see how the story has got a universal theme in it that we all work through. What would you do to edit this story to make it more exciting?

And they might say, well, this guy's a real whiner when they're talking about them. He's boring after a while. And I go, well, good. So, what would you be willing to do in the story to bring that character some life and make them more interesting? And when you're talking about a story, it's easy. And I say, well, good. Now you've just figured out what you need to do. Now that you have looked at it and you've looked at it as a detached witness of the story, can you now see that you're probably being perceived by a lot of people as quite boring and someone who likes to wallow in their pain and has a poor me syndrome going on, and it's not really serving you or anybody else. And the only kind of people that hang out with people like that are people that

are stuck in the same kind of stuff. That's why I tell people misery loves company. Like attracts like and opposites attract. So, when did you stop being alone with yourself so spending time alone with yourself we're in such a habit of being codependent on other people to entertain us to engage us to educate us to help us heal I mean if you look at how most people function today like I've been going to Gold's Gym while I was in town here, and I've never in my life gone into a sauna anywhere where almost every single person in there is in a sauna on their iPhone. I'm like, a sauna is a place where you go to detoxify and meditate and be with the heat, right? But these guys come in, and they'll be in there for like five or six minutes, which why even bother, right? But these guys come in and they'll be in there for like five or six minutes, which why even bother, right? You just fart and you get just as much for five minutes of sauna, you just heat yourself up. But they're sitting in there and they're texting and it's as though they

cannot stand being alone with themselves. So, we've now got a culture that's so externalized that if they don't have a gadget to engage, they don't know what to do with themselves and it makes them very uncomfortable. And that's exactly the kind of person that needs everybody else in their relationship to be their metaphorical gadget and to keep them entertained and keep them busy. And they're not taking responsibility for the magic and the mystery of their own life. And so, there's the next one, when did you lose your sense of the magic, mystery, and awe of life? If people assume being human as too mundane or too, they don't put any thought into what did it take for me to be this person at this time in this

world when moving at the speed of light, if you were traveling at the speed of light for 110 years, you'd still be in the Milky Way galaxy and there's about 100 billion more galaxies around that size to get through. So, what I'm saying is when you look at the majesty and the magnitude of the universe itself, and the fact that it takes, you know, jumping through several steps, it takes the whole universe to produce any one of us, right? And simply stated, the world couldn't exist and support the life we have without the sun or the moon. If you look into the elements in the sun, the material elements in the core of the sun that are burning, scientists have found that those elements come from many other stars. There's no one place they can track them to. So then when they go to the other stars, they find the same thing.

Well, when you keep carrying that out, it turns out that the entire universe is making all parts of itself. So when you realize the majesty of the fact that it took the entire universe to put Kyle in Kyle's body at this place at this time to have this interview with Paul, and it took the same universe and all its processing power to create Paul to have a relationship with Kyle, if that's not wicked magic, I mean, anyone that really investigates that and wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, bored or bumpy or thinks life is flat, well, they're just deeply in need of a spiritual awakening. And that's what my definition of spirituality is, is connecting to a greater whole. And ultimately ultimately that greater whole reaches its boundary at the concept of God,

and that's why a relationship with God is so important, because we can't conceive of what created the universe in any way, shape, or form other to encapsulate it with a mystery, and the mystery is God. If people start defining what God is, now their ego's trying to create an illusion that it could control something or it can define something or encapsulate it. So, what you see as soon as you start trying to encapsulate the concept of God with some dogma, then what you've done is you've killed the mystery and you've turned what is authentically a symbol the letters god point to them to a mystery that cannot be encapsulated and that means you've turned a symbol into a sign very few people get orgasmic or excited when they pull up to a stop sign because there's

no mystery there even if the words have been erased the shape of the sign and the color of the sign says step on the brake pedal or you're probably going to get hurt so when you take the concept of god which is the ultimate edge of expansion to the greater whole and you put words on it that say this is what it is and this is what it wants from you and this is how you have to live, you basically kill the flow of the mystery. And when you kill the flow of the mystery of life, the question I have for you is if you kill the flow of the mystery of life, how do you keep the flow of the magic in your relationship going when the highest aspect of yourself, the source of love and the source of life itself has been encapsulated into

something that's very flat that people fight about all the time. Well, your relationship looks just like your beliefs about God and your relationship with other people's ideas about God. So, really, what you have is sort of like a 21-year-old who's in his second year of college and thinks he knows more about everything than mom and dad and and has a cocky attitude but everybody else around looks at him and says the pain teacher's gonna come teach this guy a lesson any day now about reality and so when you're in the challenges of a relationship, the shaman says, are you celebrating the majesty and the mystery of life? Because then you know that the best friend you'll ever have is the one looking at you in the mirror and looking back at you from the mirror. And most

relationship challenges are exemplified by the relationship you have with that person in the mirror. So, starting with yourself is critical or you really don't have any assurance that what you think is wrong with the other person isn't wrong with you. And so, then what happens is you fall into the blame and the judgment game and the woulda, shoulda, couldn't game, which I call ant infections. Would ant, should ant, could ant, did ant. And, you. And ants can eat a lot, right? Anyone that's ever had a house that's got a lot of ants and it knows they can eat a lot of food quick. And so we want to avoid the ant infection. So just to review, when did I stop singing? When did I stop dancing? When did I stop enjoying stories? When did I stop enjoying being alone

with myself? And when did I lose my sense for the magic, mystery, and awe of life? Anybody that starts singing, dancing, enjoying stories, and looking at their own story, and editing it to make it more exciting, at least their part in the story, and celebrates the magic, and mystery, and awe of life, is authentically in position to engage any relationship challenge from a place of acceptance of the fact that whoever you're in challenge with is as much God as you are, is as important to the grand puzzle as you are. And the magic and the mystery is if God is love, then they're in your life to help you learn to live and love better.

So, if you don't engage it from that place of learning to live and love better, then it's always about what they did or didn't do and not so much about what you haven't been doing. And that brings the relationship to about a schoolyard squabble over who gets the hopscotch boxes next. And that's where a lot of people live at. Quick break to tell you about our amazing sponsor, Wave. They make the best CBD on the planet. They use 100% CO2 extraction, which means there is zero solvents, zero crap. They also make it with MCT oil and stevia, which is phenomenal. So you have no artificial sweeteners, no artificial flavors. It's low carb,

keto friendly. It lowers inflammation, helps me sleep better at night. It is one of the best CBDs I've ever had and it tastes phenomenal. Cinnamon and lemon are my favorite flavors. Doesn't taste like weed, just tastes phenomenal and helps me get the most out of my day and my sleep at night. Also helps my son. He loves the flavor the flavor it's absolutely phenomenal check it out at w-a-a-y-b.com that's wave.com and use code word kyle for 10 off at checkout and now back to the show damn i love it fall softballs just like when we talked about the soil about a year ago um so we've covered we've covered what it takes to really look internally and how important that is as the first step in all of this,

in relationships. And there's many other techniques. Of course, of course. Journaling, meditation, tai chi, qigong, breathing. I mean, the list is long. The question is not are there enough techniques. It's which one are you willing to do. Yeah, I remember asking you that.

What's the best form of meditation? You said, the best form of meditation is the one you'll do every day. Yeah. Right? It's such an important piece. Consistency in any of these practices is important. We've kind of gone over at least the tip of the iceberg when it comes to self-work. What are some of the ways that you bridge the gap in the partner relationship where we have maybe done a little reflection and we're doing some of the work on ourselves, and now we have this relationship that we need to work on?

Well, almost all relationship challenge boil down to values challenges, right? Excuse me. So, for example, I have people when they're having relationship challenges or when they are wanting a relationship spend the time to clearly establish your values so what what is it that you will say yes to and what is it that you will say no to i tell people your yes has no value until you learn to say no um If you say yes to everybody, you'll find yourself in a very miserable situation and people will take advantage of you. They'll use you like a doormat. So there's two ways I do values. One is I look at the four doctors. What is happy making for you? And what are the things that are important to you to be able to

do in a relationship? For example, if happy making for you is playing are the things that are important to you to be able to do in a relationship? For example, if happy making for you is playing your drums, but you work all day and the only time you could play your drum is at night, but that's when your partner wants to sleep, that can be a values conflict. So what is happy making for you? What are your values around movement? When are you going to exercise? What do you need to move in your life to keep you emotionally happy? So what has to happen? It might be sex for some, for me, for example, I need to paint a fair bit. I found that I have so much creative energy that moves through me, but a lot of my creativity is outcome oriented because i run an education institute so i might be creating a new course but i have to do a very good job and

consider a lot of factors so there's a lot of brain work involved it's not really um a way to explore your inner self so much because i'm producing a product, right? So, I'm focused like a mechanic trying to get the project so the engine runs and it's productive. So, what I find is I have so much creative energy, but I can't always rely on my expression through work to do the nourishing work of exploring myself. but if I sit down with a canvas or a bunch of watercolor pens and a pad of paper, and I just let whatever wants to come out of me come out, and I practice not judging it, just trusting the flow through me, what I call letting the art spirit come to you, then I can create without attachment to the outcome. So, for example,

if creativity is very important to you and you meet somebody who's very uninterested in that, then you have to ask yourself, well, where is that going to fit in my relationship with them? But if you meet somebody who is quite creative and enjoys creativity, you know, one of the most important things I say to people is remember this rule, those that play together stay together. So when you're establishing your values, you're trying to identify where are you in harmony? What do I need to do to engage the child in me? So there's some playfulness and I don't take life too seriously. And if I am that person in a relationship, then once we sit down and let's just say you were a woman and I was

in a relationship, you and I say, okay, honey, this is my values around creating happiness. What are your values? And she says, well, I like this and I like this. And you find, well, none of those things interest you at all. And then she listens to yours and none of those interests her at all. Well, already, you know that you're going to have a hard time making happiness together. But the sex is great. Well, that's right. And the sex might be great. But as I say to my students, you can have great sex for an hour, but you still got to live with that person for 23 hours a day. So I've never met anyone who has good enough sex to

make it through the trials and tribulations of life and the natural growth and healing. Sex cannot hold a relationship together. It can enhance a relationship. If it's holding a relationship together without the connection through the values I'm talking about, then sex becomes an addiction. And what happens is it's not long before you find yourself, A, sex loses its shine. It loses its numinosity. It becomes masturbation with someone else's body. And that is an unhealthy place to get. I mean, now you're dealing with porn addictions and, you know, in other words, sex becomes very base. It's even below animal because animals don't have sex to just fuck each other. There's a purpose for sex. It's procreation or it's mating, but they don't waste their sexual

energy. And people that need sex to stay in the relationship, especially if they're male, often find themselves very drained because your whole life force, the essence of your whole body goes into manufacturing sperm, and a woman goes in, a fair bit goes into manufacturing eggs in her menstrual cycle and keeping her body healthy for reproduction. So, a man who is in a relationship where sex is the only thing that's holding it together usually ends up becoming flat because his only source of joy in the relationship is ejaculation. And when you do that, your chi diminishes and you find that your creativity goes down and you become less productive and basically your whole life gets flat. So your sex gets flat, your life gets flat, and the next

thing you know, you're stuck with someone that you don't really enjoy. Well, how good a sex can you have with someone that you don't enjoy, right? It just doesn't last long. It's a very kind of teenage type conundrum. So basically what we do is we look at our values around what's happy making for me, what's my values around movement, what's my values around movement? What's my values around diet? A lot of people have very opposed values around diet. What are my values around rest and introspection? How much time do I want to take vacation a year? What do we want to do on our vacations? And then again, what's happy making? What are we going to do on vacation,

right? How much sleep do I need? When do I need to sleep? Do I have shift work? Is that going to be a problem for my partner? And Dr. Quiet is also introspection. So that's where you commit time to being with yourself. Most people, I say, drowned in their relationships, but they don't realize that that is a tactic of avoiding the discomfort many people have of being with themselves. So if you don't get clear about where the relationship makes room for you, for example, I could be alone with myself drawing or painting, and now I'm engaging myself. And just like I said, you will find that you will spontaneously sing healing sounds. You can find that you can spontaneously use healing colors and there's an entire science

of color therapy so we're doing it unconsciously all the time we're even doing it with the colors of the clothes we wear so I'm sure you've met people that wear black all the time or wear a certain color all the time psychologically that tells me something about that person. And so, I've had, for example, many people going through relationship challenges or health challenges, and they wear black a lot. And I tell them, don't wear black when you're doing this kind of relationship healing or healing your body, because black sucks everything into it, positive and negative. And you don't want to suck people's negative energy into you. So either wear green because that's an integration color. The green's the center of the chakra system. It integrates the upper and lower three chakras. But better yet

is look at all the colors you have available in the closet and touch them and look at them and see when you touch that sweater that's green or blue or yellow, what happens inside of you. Just pay attention. Then touch the next color and the next color. And one of those will bring you into a sense of harmony and stability. And then you're not only taking responsibility for creating harmony within yourself, but you're growing your inner awareness of using all your instincts and your emotions and all the intelligence of your body and your subconscious and your unconscious to guide you with the honest intention of not getting stuck in habit patterns because oftentimes our habit patterns are what creates

resistance in relationships. Where we have habit patterns that we're not willing to be flexible with, we develop rigidity. And whenever we have rigidities, if our partner has rigidities, when two rigidities meet, things break, right? So we take these values and then I say, let's do what's called a we tree, okay? So we say, okay, so you want to exercise five hours a week. Well, what if your partner wants to exercise five hours a week? Well, what if you both work 40 hours a week? So what you just found out is one of you or both of you is getting up early in the morning and then you're exercising at night.

Well, if you're not exercising together and you're working all day, where's your relationship? Well, guess what you have? Now you only have sex and it won't work. It will not hold the relationship together because in the time that you're exercising and in the time that you're at work, you're accumulating all sorts of other relationships with people that are triggering all your unconscious patterns and behaviors. You're getting a lot of emotion trapped in your body. And a relationship really is a system of stress attenuation. If you watch in relationships, you'll see usually when the husband or the male is down or having a challenging time, the female is usually up or

the other partner, whether same-sex relationships, whoever the other partner is, they're usually the one that is picking us up. But when they're down, we're usually picking us up but when they're down we're usually picking them up but if we don't have enough reserved space in ourselves and we don't do the work to make ourselves happy and keep ourselves dynamic and flexible enough then we don't have each other to pick each other up we just the world starts compressing us and we start running into more and more problems everywhere and we're not taking the time to process them. And one of the ways you know that's happening is people start having dreams that have challenging themes in them, because the psyche is now showing you symbolically where you're not paying attention and where you're not following your heart or your soul path. So, dream work is very, very potent as well. And I do a lot of dream work with my clients to help them understand what their dreams are saying to them. And I teach them how to analyze their own dreams so they don't

need to always have a session with me to go through that. So, ultimately, what you're doing is you're developing this we tree where you say, okay, this is what I need. So ultimately what you're doing is you're developing this we tree where you say, okay, this is what I need. This is what you need. Now with the scope of our life, what we have going on, how much money we have to make, how we work, is that realistically feasible? And is it going to leave time for us to do the other things that we want to do, right? Because we're only talking about one value here, exercise and work is inherent in that. So then how much quiet time do you need? Well, one says, I want to meditate an hour a day. The other one says, I want to meditate an hour a day too. And what if you have kids? Well,

how do both of you meditate at the same time unless you're going to get a sitter, which may or may not be possible. If you realize that you're going to need a sitter, then there's where you see the compromise. So the we tree is my I values, your I values, and in the middle, we identify where a compromise is. Okay, so for you to do that exercise and me to do that meditation, we're going to have to change the days so that we can consolidate. So, if the babysitter comes from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m., Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, that allows us, you're going to have to do your meditation in the morning because at night I can watch the kid while you do your swimming and your cycling or whatever your triathlon training is.

So at the end of this process, what happens is you either find that you cannot live your I values in that relationship, which means you're going to lose yourself in the relationship, or you can. And the way you do is you have to make compromises, and if you're not willing to make the compromise that's necessary for your partner to have an equal share in the relationship, then you're not ready for a relationship. The reality of it is when I sit down with a lot of people,

what you find out is they're still way too I-centric to enter into a we relationship because they're still too immature in their own development. They're too self-centered. Children are self-centered. Mommy, I'm hungry. Mommy, I stubbed my toe, I'm hurting. My toy.

My toy, my everything, right right and this is why i tell people always remember there is no i in we when you enter a relationship you have to be willing to let your i did inus dissolve in honor of that which is greater than the than you or the other which is the relationship itself and and and I talk about a concept called the third. In the Bible, Jesus said, whenever two or more get together in my name, I will be there. And what he's saying is whenever two or more people get together in the name of love, there is a being or a level of consciousness created that is the marriage of the two people. When Kyle and i get together

we usually have a great time because you and i have very harmonious values and we're both warriors are not afraid to go inside right so we can talk about our challenges we we we can smoke the peace pipe we can lift stones we can lift weights but if kyle says paul you go ahead and go to the gym i need to go do some tai chi i'm not going to get all pissy and say, oh, fuck, you know, I thought you came here to do this with me, right? I just say, well, good. I love myself enough to be able to love you because I know there's times when I need to do things. And sometimes you can tell when a relationship's healthy because you give a person space to truly be themselves, right? So, if Kyle flies all the way to California and he wants to be with himself a lot,

I get to know that Kyle's being himself with me, and what a great thing to share. Because now I'm sharing a high form of love, which is love without the need for control or the need for constant attachment or attention or the need for Kyle to do things the way I want him to do or he's not my friend. But most people aren't mature enough to love that way. So essentially, you come to the realization that there's either too much conflict in values or there's harmony in values. And if there's conflict that can't be resolved, well, if you don't resolve it now, the further you go into the relationship, usually the more codependencies there are, the harder it is to resolve the conflict. And the more you start triggering each other, and the more, you know, as I stated earlier, Carl Jung

said, it's the task of a child to live out the unfinished business of the parent's life. And each of us carries the unfinished business of our parents. So, if we don't wake up to the realization that we're repeating mom and dad's struggles and mom and dad's faults and mom and dad's judgments that they never healed, then we aren't evolving. We're just basically, the apple has not gone far from the tree. To grow in relationship, we have to be willing to take what was given us as childhood and social programming and grow through it, which requires healing. We are tasked with healing our parents. We're tasked with healing our family. And we're also tasked with healing our culture

and our religious biases as well. Because our instincts include the instinct for love and the instinct for creativity, as well as the instinct to move, the instinct to breathe, the instinct to eat, and the instinct for rest. So if our instincts cannot be nourished because the relationship is conflicting against our instinctual needs, then we actually start having a hard time in the relationship because our body perceives it as a

threat to our own physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual survival. One of the biggest challenges is that people fall in love with people based on how their bodies look and that's how fish get caught right that's why we select lures right and as we were discussing before we started research shows that our um uh our attachment syndromes our our early developmental years, usually the first three years of our life, we develop either a secure attachment or an insecure attachment. So there's ambivalent, there's discordant. I can't remember all the names of the attachments right now. I'd have to really think about that. Let's see, there's avoidant, ambivalent, and deranged. So,

avoidant is somebody who found their parents too stressful to be around, so they avoided attachment with their parents. Ambivalent is somebody who found that their parents would love and connect to them, but often that led to pain. So a temper tantrum or a spanking all of a sudden, or you'd touch something and they blew up at you. So you have this kind of love-hate relationship, an attraction-repulsion, and a disorganized attachment is both of them in the same person. So maybe one parent triggers avoidant, the other one triggers ambivalent. The point being is those are the ways we relate to love. Our parents are our model for love and how safe it is and how safe a man is and how safe a woman is. But Diane Poole Heller beautifully points out in her course on healing attachment syndromes that it takes about a year

and a half before a person's attachment style actually comes out because in that first year and a half we're unconsciously modulating our behaviors to try it's an unconscious marketing strategy you're putting your best foot forward yeah you want to you want to shine the shiniest feathers yes you're peacocking and we want to keep the sex and we want to keep the giggles and the laughs and the happiness. But eventually that breaks down because if it doesn't break down, we don't have any reason to really grow. Right. So we just stay in party mode, you know, love drunk. But once the attachment breaks down, then the projection breaks down. So seeing your partner as Miss Perfect, who's going to make your life rosy and always going to give you exactly what you want in bed or rescue you financially, all of a sudden you realize they're not willing to do that anymore. And you're like,

well, who is this person? And so what happens is our projection system breaks down and we start actually seeing who it is we got into the relationship with. And when you look at the statistics on marriage, the average marriage, I believe worldwide only lasts 2.5 years. And the average person has three marriages in their lifetime. So what you see is most people based on that statistic cannot handle their partner for more than one year once the attachment syndrome start to appear and the projection breaks down. In other words, once the marketing campaign is over, you see who you're really with. But if you really would have done the I values and the we values and found out whether or not there's a healthy compromise that you can, and then you have to be honest with yourself,

right? A lot of people when they're sex drunk will lie Oh, yes, honey, I'll watch the kids for that two hours for you. Well, sure enough, they're pissed off now. I don't want to do this anymore. You said you'd be home at two o'clock and you're home at 2.15. Now you took 15 minutes of my time. So it just turns into a big stinky thing and it teaches the kids how to live really just like you are. And I tell people, remember, one thing to remember when you're managing yourself in a relationship where kids are involved, ask yourself, how do I want my child to handle this situation when they're in it with their partner 10, 12 years or 15 years from now? If you handle yourself the way you want your children to handle themselves, then your life will be really easy. If you don't, then your children might physically leave home, but they will never leave home because every itch, scratch, or bump will be mommy and daddy's problem too. And usually parents get them diagnosed and drugged so they can project their own inadequacies into a diagnosis instead of realizing my child is emulating me or my spouse or both of us.

So then the next level is the all values, which is spiritually very important because the all values says, what does our relationship represent to and give to the world? I is what do I need so I can be whole in the relationship. We is what are we willing to give each other so that each of us can share our love, which we're responsible for manufacturing ourselves. See, the I is how do I manufacture love? I have to fill my cup before I can fill yours, right? So the I value says I am taking responsibility for loving myself so I have something to share with you. The we value say what do we do to support each other so that we can generate enough love

to have to share with each other and enjoy being together. The all value says what is it that we are bringing to the world that if emulated by other people is a gift to the world, or if we can give it to the world? For example, my wife, Penny, I have two wives, as you know, but actually all of us, me, Penny, and Angie, our all values are our commitment to the Czech Institute. So what we use our sex for and our art for and our singing and our dancing is to create the joy so that when we're together as a family, we are inspiring each other and nourishing each other so that our natural problem-solving abilities and creativity

reaches its optimum level, which then becomes the basis of creating educational programs that help other people do the same thing. So the basis of my institute that affects the lives of thousands and thousands of people turns out to be rooted in my very own life. And because Penny and Angie are also committed, we know that any challenge that we have within ourselves or within the relationship is one that we must resolve if we want to be authentic in the gift we are giving to the world. So your roots are your I-ness, but the heaven of the relationship is what you offer the world,

and for some it might be hugging people and smiling at people, right? Go walk down the street in New York City anytime and smile and say good morning to people and see how many people it takes before someone smiles at you and says good morning back to you. Well, I tested that. One time I was in New York with a friend and I said, man, people here are so stuck in their shit. It's unbelievable. They're just dying. They're walking dead people. I'll prove it to you. I said, how many people do you think I'm going to have to say good morning to and smile at before anyone does it back to me? He says, I don't know, two or three. I said, watch this. It took 26 people in Manhattan, 26 before I got eye contact, a smile, and good morning, or even a wave.

People, when you try to say hello, it's just like they think you're going to try to sell them something or want something, and they're totally trapped in the world, right? So my point is it doesn't have to be an institute that you're bringing or an iPhone or a new way to fly or, you know, a new package for food. It can simply be the joy of being alive. And, you know, the Sufis say that the greatest teacher is the silent teacher and the greatest lover is the silent lover. I teach my students, if you live honest to yourself and practice communicating in relationships and working through your challenges for the betterment of each other and potentially your children,

then everywhere you go, you are emanating that in your field. And a happy person's heart field can be like, I'll give you an example. I'm a dowser. And one time when J.P. Sears was young, he was about 19 or 20, I was introducing him dowser, and one time when J.P. Sears was young, he was about 19 or 20, I was introducing him to dousing and teaching him how to douse. And I said, I'm going to take you down the street to a park. There was a park not too far from the Institute because I didn't want to do this in a parking lot

with cars driving through. So J.P. Explain what it is, though. Dousing is a technique for picking up, you know how people find water wells with a witching rod okay so dowsing is feeling subtle energies so i'm a medical dowser so for example i can do an analysis on you have you fill out a questionnaire called a health appraisal questionnaire and i can take your answers and i can connect to your soul and say so dear soul connect me to the soul of Kyle Kingsbury, then I connect to your soul,

may I douse you so that I can get accurate scores so I can help you heal? Yes. So why would they say go to your adrenal glands? Your score might be 29 out of 100, but I ask your soul what your authentic score is because people's egos often filter questions. They either don't want to know the truth about themselves or they don't understand the questions. So I, by turning myself into an empty vessel to receive from that part of me known as Kyle, can get an accurate score and I can determine very effectively what your health's really at. And the greater the difference between your scores and my DOWS scores, the more out of touch that person is with themselves. I've been doing it for many years.

I was trained to DOWS when I was 19 working on a water well, an exploration drilling crew. I won't bore you with the story about how it happened, but actually I didn't know that I knew I had this ability. But what happened was we ran dry three times and we needed to hit, get water for this guy because he was out of money and we felt sorry for him. So they said, Paul, why don't you try? And I said, I don't know how to do it. And Al, who was originally the dowser said, I'll teach you. And I found water. We got a live well for him. They were all blown away because they'd all tried and hit nothing. We ran the entire 1500 feet of drill rod down and hit nothing. And then I got him like a six or a 10 gallon well adequate to support his house. And so from that day on,

I became the company dowser and I never missed a single well for the entire next year that I worked for the company before I left, which then told me I had these abilities, which then I carried into medical dousing. So one technique is you use metal rods that have little sleeves on them. They're like brass welding rods and you point them straight forward. So as I walk toward you, if I hit the positive expression of your energy field, it'll make the rods open. If I hit a negative energy flow, the rods will close. So you know it's a negative energy versus a positive energy. So I was teaching JP how to use these rods, dousing rods. And I said to JP, okay, now I'm going to douse the edge of your energy field,

just your bodily field, which is, there's several layers, physical, etheric, astral, lower mental, higher mental, causal, and your heart field is containing all that. So I said, JP, just sit there and relax. So I doused his field. When he was just relaxed, I think it was about 12 feet from his body is where I hit the edge of JP, which means anybody within 12 foot radius of JP is being affected by JP and vice versa, right? So then I said, JP, now think about a time in your life that was very stressful, where you were unhappy, scared, or felt diminished, like maybe you were getting criticized

by your parents or something. And then his field collapsed within about one centimeter of his body, because whenever we're stressed, we pull our energy in to cocoon ourselves to to create a shield of protect ourselves so then i said jp tell me think of the time when you were were experiencing a lot of love in your life and you felt very safe and secure and i knew it was going to be big so i walked way away from him well it turned going to be big. So I walked way away from him. Well, it turned out to be that those rods opened up 60 feet from JP. So I said to JP and I showed him, I said, when you are happy and you walk into a shopping mall, everybody with 120 foot radius is being elevated by your happiness.

You're healing the world. So from a very early time in JP's training with me, he realized that how he managed himself on the inside had a huge impact on the world, and I gave him an objective way to see that. So the key that I'm making is when it comes to all values, to the degree we're conscious of the fact that we're all having a human experience, that we all need each other, and we all depend on earth, we all depend on water, we all depend on air, we all depend on food. Essentially, we need the whole earth and we need each other. So when we realize how challenging life can be and how territorial people can be and how caught up in religious dogma and all the other stuff from sexual stuff to vaccinations to abortion, you know, the world can get to be quite an entangling and scary place for people.

But if a person's in a healthy relationship, they have an attenuation system. And a family is meant to be an attenuation system. So to explain an attenuation system, just look at a bicycle wheel. A typical bicycle wheel has 28 to 32 spokes. If you hit a bump, like a curb, even though the spoke that's directly in line with the curb looks like it's taking the shock because they're all laced equally under equal tension, the hit of the spoke or the curb against the wheel is actually distributed through a round wheel and is distributed by 32 spokes. So the force is actually technically only about one 32nd of the impact because it's distributed through 32 spokes. So if you have

a family of four and someone comes home upset, then we can talk about that at the dinner table and we can give empathy and compassion. Wow, that must've really been the shits. Let's cry together, or can I rub your feet, or whatever that family does, but that's how stress is attenuated. The problem is that we don't have practices such as singing together, dancing together, enjoying stories together, giving people time to be alone together, and celebrating the mystery of life, which is what most tribal rituals were about and myths were about, then we stop attenuating the stress together and really you have a bunch of individuals living in the same house called a family. And I was raised in a family like that. Fortunately, my mother took us to temple starting when I was 12, so at least

every Sunday we got to go somewhere where we could effectively attenuate the stress in our lives and be guided by a monk whose energy field is powerful enough to be transformative to anybody in their presence. Probably before you even drove into the parking lot, you were hit by the wave of centered love, right? So if we look at relationships as vehicles of self-realization, then we realize that we can't expect more out of a relationship from others than we can give ourselves's either making the world a more beautiful place or it's creating a checkmate situation or we're making it harder for happy people to stay happy because we're stinking the place up all the time paul i love it every time we get together you knock it out of the park uh we're for sure running it back again and again and again as long as I have you on this earth. It might be your love inspiring me. Thank you so much, brother. It's been a hell

of a day. You were my fifth and final podcast. Wow, that's a lot. And you knocked it out of the park. Thank you, Benny. Absolutely, brother. I love you so much, Paul. I love you too. And thank you for sharing so much love with me. And thank you, since we're talking about relationships, thank you to Penny and Angie, because they're incredibly beautiful people. And I feel very blessed to have people in my life that can grow with me and really truly let me be me. And thank you to Paul Jr., my son, because he had to live through a lot of my life when I wasn't as wise as I am and when I had my own pain. And we're still working on growing together and healing our pain too. And thank you to the Czech Institute because that's the guys also let me share my love and creativity so there in that discussion and in my closing statement you see the the the beauty of attenuating not only stress but joy listen to living in 4d with my man paul check uh look up many of the great things that you can find on the check institute.com. Is that correct? Yes. And it's living 4d living 4d living 4d with Paul check on all places where

there are. And I'm sure if you follow me online, I will be linking to our episode with Mr. Opry Marcus. Yeah. Fantastic. Thank you so much, brother.

Love you all. And thank you to your support staff and your, your guys, Ryan and Ian and Chris, cortez chris right on and eli eli sitting behind my jujitsu cameraman so uh lots of love everybody and blessings in your relationships aho great spirit aho dope brother yes Thank you guys for listening. We're for sure going to have Paul Cech back on. I'll try to space him out as best I can, but man, they're just too good to not do it.

I've got so much more to learn from Paul. I hope you guys do as well. Thank you guys for listening. Please let us know what you think online at Kingsboo, K-I-N-G-S-B-U on Instagram and Twitter, and I'll be sure to get back to you.