Kyle Kingsbury Podcast - #121 Kate Shelor

Episode Date: November 1, 2019

Kate is a pleasure coach and hypnotist who specializes in sexuality. I travel to Las Vegas for this one and we get into Kates back story, how the subconscious rules the body and ways to improve as men in the bedroom.    Connect with Kate| Website - https://www.kateshelor.com/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/kateshelor/ Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/KateShelorHypnotist/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/kateshelor?lang=en     Show Sponsors| XPT Download the XPT App - www.xptlife.com/kyle    Butcher Box www.butcherbox.com/kyle $20 off your first box (Limited Time offer) Plus two pounds of grass fed beef for the life of your subscription    Onnit Total NO Get 10% off all foods and supplements at Onnit by going to https://www.onnit.com/kyle/   Connect with Kyle Kingsbury on: Website | https://www.kingsbu.com Twitter | https://bit.ly/2DrhtKn Instagram | https://bit.ly/2DxeDrk    Subscribe to the Kyle Kingsbury Podcast iTunes | https://apple.co/2P0GEJu Stitcher | https://bit.ly/2DzUSyp Spotify | https://spoti.fi/2ybfVTY IHeartRadio | https://ihr.fm/2Ib3HCg Google Play Music | https://bit.ly/2HPdhKY

Hey, y'all. Today's guest is Kate Sheeler. And Kate is somebody I've been following, as I mentioned on the podcast, I've been following on Instagram for a while now. She is a sex expert and has become so through healing some of her past traumas with hypnosis. And we get into her backstory, of course, as I like to do on all podcasts. But we also get into some pretty fantastic tips around how to improve as men in the bedroom. And one of the things that was a hook for me to want to get her on the show was she has an eight-part video series on how to eat pussy like a champion, which as you know, if you're a dude in any relationship, that is a fine quality to have. It kind of raises your value, raises your stock a bit in the dating game.

We get into all sorts of stuff in this podcast. She's a tremendous human being. I loved having her on. I'll for sure have her back on. I think I was out in Vegas for some, let's see, I was out in Vegas for some court stuff with the UFC. Won't dive too far into that as it's still all pending, but everything's looking good there.

And yeah, I got to meet up with her at her house and meet her boyfriend, who also is a hypnotist and has a show in Vegas. Fantastic people. I know you guys are going to dig this one. Please remember, there's a few ways you can help this show. One, click subscribe so you never miss an episode again. And two, leave us a five-star rating with one or two ways the show has helped you. That really helps people navigate and find it. And you can leave ratings most places. Obviously, iTunes is probably the biggest, but if you listen on Stitcher or

Spotify or any of that stuff and you have the ability to leave a rating, please do so. It really helps the show grow. And then, of course, check out our sponsors. They're fucking fantastic and they help make this show possible. One of those sponsors is a company called Butcher Box. These guys are absolutely fantastic. Every month, they send me a box of curated meat that is of the highest quality. It's 100% grass-fed, grass-finished beef. They have organic pastured chicken, and they have some really good pastured heritage breed pork that is my absolute favorite. Also, they're running a hell of a deal for people right now. If you sign up and it's your first time signing up for one of these four curated boxes or a custom box, they're going to give you two free pounds of 100% grass-fed ground beef for life.

That is, for as long as you subscribe, you will always get an extra two pounds of grass-fed hamburger meat. And I eat hamburgers every fucking week. I love grass-fed burgers. Tosh does it with this amazing lettuce wrap. We use some of the Primal Kitchen mayo. We throw some goat cheese on top and a little beef bacon or some of the pork bacon from ButcherBox. And it is absolutely fantastic. It's one of my

favorite meals. So if you want to have free ground beef for life, two pounds in every box, all you got to do is sign up now. And what you'll get is $20 off your first box by going to butcherbox.com slash Kingsbury or enter the promo code Kingsbury at checkout. That is for two pounds of 100% grass-fed beef for free in every box for life and $20 off your first box. Go to butcherbox.com slash Kingsbury or enter promo code Kingsbury at checkout. And now one that I've been waiting to deliver to you guys for a very long time is the brand new XPT breathing app. This is a total system. They encompass everything that XPT has been doing. If you've

heard me have different people on the show, you know, Gabby Reese, of course, one of the founding members. I just went out to their home out in Malibu and interviewed Laird Hamilton. That podcast will be releasing in about a month or so. These guys are just fantastic people. They're on the cutting edge. And it's been inspired by the training techniques and lifestyle habits of the big wave surfer, Laird Hamilton, and former pro athlete, Olympic gold medalist, Gabby Reese.

XPT is a performance lifestyle rooted in the most basic yet powerful human trait, the ability to adapt. Challenge yourself with XPT's comprehensive breath, move, recover curriculum designed to stimulate growth in all aspects of human performance. This revolutionary program elevates the quality of your everyday life and reduces stress by using breath-centric performance training and recovery to give you the power to break physical and mental boundaries in

everything that you do. This is a fucking big one. So I want you to understand that last part there, mental boundaries in everything that you do. So of course, you know, they want me to talk about my experience using CO2 tolerance training. And you know, one of the things every time I go there, whether I'm podcasting or not, I'm going there to train. And we get there early and there's a lot of the who's who's that come in, a lot of actors and different professional athletes. And it's amazing. It's not amazing because of who I'm working out with And it's amazing. It's not amazing because of who I'm working out with. It's amazing because of the workout itself.

And that's the draw. You know, we do underwater training where we're holding our breath, doing farmer's walks. We're doing all sorts of cool stuff. We have hot and cold contrast, everything. And they make this available to you in any way, shape or form in their app. And you can get that app for free right now with

the launch of the new XPT app for your best self, mental resiliency, and a collective tribe are just a few clicks away. Just go to xptlife.com slash Kyle to download the app today. That's xptlife.com forward slash Kyle and download the app today and live limitless. Lastly, of course, a lot of people have been hitting me up on the gram on why I'm looking so swole. And of course, there is some diligence and training that happens. Obviously, you got to put in the work to get there. But one of the reasons is I'm post-pics post-workout or I'll post-pics mid-workout or videos mid-workout. And I've been using Onnit's Total Nitric Oxide, which is an excellent way to increase cell volume

within the muscle. It's an excellent way to deliver extra nitric oxide, which helps potentiate blood flow, oxygen, and nutrients to the muscles as they need it. At a lower dose, it helps me a lot with cardio. You see me doing a 10K row or going out for a 5K run. I'm using one scoop of the total nitric oxide.

When I'm grinding and I'm trying to hit a PR on back squats or some of the other functional fitness tools that I use, I'll use two or three scoops of total nitric oxide and get a really big pump. It helps me recover. It helps me get the most out of my workouts. And you can get 10% off at Onnit.com. Thank you guys for tuning in to today's show with Kate Sheeler. I know you guys are going to dig this one. And I know you guys are going in to today's show with Kate Sheeler. I know you guys

are going to dig this one and I know you guys are going to have some questions. So hit us up on the gram. We've linked to her Instagram and the show notes as well as mine at Kingsboo. And don't forget, go to kingsboo.com, enter your email address, and you will get every supplement that I take in the book and the why behind it with clickable links. Thank you guys for tuning in and take care. All right, we're in. We got clapped in for your boyfriend, Mark. It's official.

Yes, he's full service. I love it. Well, we got a lot to talk about. I'm very excited. I think Aubrey's assistant fed me your info because we were reaching out to him. I was. And I was like, yo, I'm going to be in the area. So it's perfect.

Yeah, here we are. There's a lot to discuss. I like to get background on people. And certainly one of the things that came to mind with your story that was very interesting is the fact that you overcame some trauma to become the person that you are today. And that happened through hypnosis. It did. My story is basically that I fell into this job by accident. And I was married. And this was a handful of years ago. I was at a real place in my life. I, you know, divorced. I decided I was a performer. My ex-husband and I traveled all over the world, and I thought that I was going to learn hypnosis to perform it. It's like, you know, people do shows. And so I took a class with the intent of only performing. And in that class, as you're learning to hypnotize other people, it's not just about saying words and people fall into a trance. You actually learn psychology. You learn how the subconscious works. And you cannot help but to reflect on your own life, how you got to

where you are, what choices, what your patterns are. And so in reflecting, I was going home every night. I was crying. I was having a real emotional moment. And I realized that there was a lot of work to be done in my own personal life. And one of those things was that I, up until that point, had never orgasmed with another person. How old were you? I mean, this is early 30s. Damn. This is a long time to not be orgasming. I could orgasm by myself, just not with another person.

And I had tried it all. And I thought as I was taking this class, I started to think about why that might be. And not only the trauma that had caused that, I could go back to experiences I had had when I was young, early formative years, just some things that seemed small in retrospect, but were embarrassing and really sort of affected me emotionally as a young person. And then later in life, I was drugged. I woke up in a hospital. I was, and that was when I was in college. And so there were some definite points in my life where you could see where trauma happened, but it wasn't just the trauma. And this is what learning hypnosis really helped me understand.

It was actually a product of daily patterns that I was actually doing to myself, self victimizing the way I spoke about myself. When I started to understand how your subconscious actually works, I was able to look at that, take a hard look at choices I was making and start to undo them. And I actually didn't orgasm the first time because I was hypnotized. I was not hypnotized to orgasm, though I will say it's a very effective way to achieve it if you're having problems, but more on that later. But it was actually just a highly emotional moment in reflection that helped me sort of unravel very quickly what I had been doing because I made an emotional choice to be different at a very core level. And so then I realized this is what I want to do. The more I started talking to, at first it was women predominantly that I was speaking to.

I realized that orgasming is a huge issue for women. And not necessarily, I mean, the majority of women are orgasming, but the orgasm gap is huge, right? I mean, it's like 75% of women, could even be some statistics where 78% of women say that they don't orgasm every time they have sex. And the vast majority of men do. So we have a big... It's not a problem for men to come, but that's almost a guarantee. Well, there are problems. Some men do. We can talk about this because a lot of men now do come to me with various problems. More men than women, actually. And some men feel like you can go on and on and on and actually can't let go. That's been surprising. That's a hell of a problem it is. And then more so how many women have been, have had sexual trauma that's affected the body confidence. You know, just being seen

naked is a huge issue. And when you feel self-conscious, when you're not comfortable with somebody, it's that much harder to actually experience pleasure and to be intimate with a partner. And so I started to realize how there's a lot of people that need help. And then as I started to talk about it, people came to me and they were asking for advice. They wanted to learn about hypnosis, but they also wanted to just be taught about how their mind actually works. I realized how little people really understand about their own emotional minds. And so then I just started to teach. And I travel and I speak, I teach. I don't do sessions one-on-one in a office setting, as in I don't regularly see clients on a day-to-day basis. But I do workshops, I do small groups. And then I do special kind of, someone might bring me out to do something with a small group or a couple or an individual and do that kind of work for people.

And then I speak to large groups. Well, there's a lot there. Let's unpack some of that. Let's talk about the psychology of trauma and how it affects. And then let's talk about the psychology of comfort. Because both those are huge things, right? And they're oftentimes correlated with one another. If there is an issue in the bedroom. Well, one of the things that the subconscious, well, just to sort of maybe make a baseline, the subconscious is essentially your emotional mind.

And that is where we're like a supercomputer right so we we have our conscious we are of our conscious thoughts and that's where like willpower is and and everything and then everything else is your subconscious and so you are programmed subconsciously and there's various things that can program you to behave the way you behave and the five things that program your subconscious are identifying with a group or a parent, person in a position of power, repetition in a highly emotional moment can mark your subconscious, and hypnosis. So those are the five things. So repetition. One of the things that I did, and it wasn't until I learned hypnosis that I realized I did this, is I probably said a thousand times to people, you know, good friends, my girlfriends, that I can't orgasm.

Man, I can't orgasm with another person. It's the worst. It's terrible. What am I going to do? So I program that supercomputer. Your subconscious, it doesn't know what's good for you, what's not good for you. It just listens and runs your programming. So I programmed myself. I told myself a thousand times through my own words that I can't orgasm. So guess what? I couldn't orgasm, right? So the words you say to yourself and the words you say to other people really matter because repetition is a very effective way of programming your mind. Obviously, you can turn that and use that to the positive, right? Things you say to yourself, if you say the positive thing to yourself, that also works.

I always encourage people to do a little audit of their self-talk and what they say to other people about themselves, the stories they tell about themselves to other people, and start listening because you might catch yourself saying a lot of stuff that you really don't want to live up to. And so that was, you know, that was a major thing, learning that about repetition, identifying with a group or a parent. There are adults in our lives as we're growing up that we want to meet their expectations. We want to please them. Whether this is church groups, our cultural groups, our parent groups, they start to form our behaviors.

So then as an adult, you can stop and again, do an audit. Do I still align with the values that I feel I believe? I mean, everything from monogamy, right? That's a very much a cultural and religiously rooted idea. And a lot of us don't even know, we haven't even thought about questioning that, a lot of people, right? And the thing to understand about that is something like monogamy, for example, is not a right or wrong thing. It's a belief system. But it's one that culturally has been just shoved down our throats. It's the way it's always been, right? Right. And so once you start to understand these things, you can step back and start to reflect on that. And then you can affect,

and then you say, okay, well, maybe I don't agree with that. So you can look for information. You can speak to people. You can pay attention to what you say to yourself and what you say to others about it, going back to that repetition. and that can start to change how you feel about it if you want to. Also, you know, a person in a position of power. It's like when the doctor says you have six months to live, how many people live six months? Because they are essentially emotionally living up to the expectation of a person they think is smarter than them. So all of these things, and then intense emotion. When we are in talk therapy, regular standard therapy, when do we have a breakthrough? We had a breakthrough today. It's usually when somebody has intense emotion. They cried and, oh my God, I had this breakthrough today. It's

because in that moment, that highly emotional moment, your conscious mind took a backseat and your emotional mind came forward where you weren't in your own way of your emotions. And that's when you had forward movement. And that's what hypnosis does. It supercharges us into that. And then we can actually do real work. It's important to understand that, you know, everything sort of our, we can't change something that was created in one level of consciousness and another level of consciousness. So if something is created at the emotional level, you had an experience, it was highly emotional, you're not going to change it with willpower, right? It has to be changed at that emotional level. So that's

what hypnosis does. And that's why it's very powerful. So I just like to give that broad view of what the subconscious is and how this all works before we kind of get into the other subjects. So I'm not skipping around and confusing people. No, that was great. And it reminded me a lot of my friends that are into neuro-linguistic programming.

And it's funny because, you know, we, Aubrey and I have a fit for service as a group that we work with about 150 people. And it's a mastermind that lasts a year long. And I don't see this across the board. I'm not going to try to paint with a broad brush, but there's enough people who will talk about self-sabotage or ways that they hurt themselves. And I pay attention to the way that they word it, because if it seems like it's currently what's going on, it's like, hey, you have the awareness to recognize this just in the way you wrote it, but it should not be written that way. It should not be spoken that way. It should be talked about as in the past, this is something that I used to

do. And here's what I'm doing to change that. I like to tell people to, when they find themselves saying always and never, that's usually a good time to stop and pay attention to what you've said and think about it a second time. Because when you're speaking in those, you know, those ultimate terms, sometimes we don't, you know, I never orgasm or I'm always late. And you can rephrase things in your life more like, you know, in the past I've struggled with this, but I'm improving. And just that reframe can make a huge difference. Well, let's jump into some of this stuff. You piqued my interest when you were talking about some of the issues that happen with men.

And obviously we have a large male audience. I know that you do. I do. I started out initially intending to help women, but my audience has become 78% or 75% men. So what are some of the issues that come up for guys? I've never heard of a dude who couldn't finish. I've heard of, I mean, in college, I had trouble getting it up. I had trouble staying hard. I had trouble coming too fast.

I had all those issues. And a lot of it had to deal with my comfort level with the person. Like if it was a one-night stand, I'd be like, you know, if it could happen, then it would happen too quick. Or, you know, I would start to panic like mid-sex because I wasn't having sex frequently. And it was kind of like, oh, this is brand new again. Those kind of things. It happened so often that my buddies used to basically call it the Kingsbury Follies. What happened with that girl the other night? They're like, oh, add it to the list.

Another folly, another fuck up. And it just made me want to learn more. I think I read, I talked about this. I just interviewed Wednesday Martin and I talked about this book. She Comes First. And that changed the game for me because there are some differences between men and women. Men typically will orgasm within five minutes. Women take upwards of 20 minutes. And so his whole thing was, if you focus on her and you get her to orgasm first, then if you come in 30 seconds, it's no big deal. Everyone got theirs. And that really did paint a different picture of how I go about sex with my wife and other partners. But that also gave me just a different lens to look through, I guess, on how to go about that.

And eventually, I guess what it did was calm me down, which was the real issue there. But let's talk about some of the issues that come up for men. Well, I would say predominantly, because men reach out to me a lot for advice. And I would say the major issue is usually staying hard, getting hard, losing wood. That's what guys use the terms that they come to me with. So, but I get all sorts and, you know, you get a lot of men are concerned about their size. A lot of men are just generally performance concerned. And one of the first things that I liked, you know, I post videos about, you know, really specific sex tips, right? How to lick pussy is one of my videos. You got eight of them. I love it. We're definitely going to go there. There's a lot to say. And on my blog, I have one about blowjobs. I'm going to do maybe a video series on that as well because that one is a written out one. But all of that is secondary to mindset. And what you talked about calming down, because what was different was not your

moves. What was not different was a new technique. What was different was your mindset. And that's what helped you ultimately perform better, right? And so when people come to me for sex tips, I always like to say that the most important thing is how you frame it. I had not done a lot of experimenting with women. And this is sort of something I've done recently in my life. And an example about the mindset thing is, so I had an experience with a woman and it was in a threesome. And I was really worked up about, I'm not sure if I'm really, I'm not bothered by the idea of being with a woman. I just don't think I'm really turned on by it.

So this was so concerned on if this turns me on. Am I into this, right? And so everything's going and it's fine. And I'm going to go down on her. And I'm doing it. And it's not like I don't know what I'm doing as a receiver. I have an idea, right? It's fine. But it was like every lick. And then I'm like, is this doing it for me? Is this doing it? Do I like this? It's not turning me on. Well, of course it wasn't turning me on. I was

absolutely not in the moment, right? You were in your head the whole time. There's no way to actually. And so I was in a side, well, this isn't turning me on. I guess I'm not into this. Well, it was a snake eating its tail. There was absolutely no way for me to not only find pleasure for myself, but ultimately to give pleasure. And when we think about the other person's pleasure instead of our own, that's, you're ultimately going to be a much better lover no matter what, whether you have any idea what you're doing going to be a much better lover no matter what. Whether you have any idea what you're doing or not, whether you have, and if the opposite is true, you could have all the cool sex tips in the world, but if you are worried about yourself more than you're worried

about the other person, if you're worried about performance rather than discovery, then you are not going to kind of meet your ultimate peak pleasure and neither are they. So mindset is really important. I went in another time and I was like, I'm not going to do this again. And instead of worrying about what I'm doing or analyzing if I like it, I'm going to think about her and I'm going to go in with curiosity and I'm going to try to have fun with the puzzle and changing my focus completely to her. Um, I had a great time. I really liked it. It's something I would like to do again. So, you know, I talk a lot to men about, cause they, a lot of men, it's a cycle of becoming self-obsessed, right? With your size and your moves and what do I do and how do I, it's like, you know, you can, it doesn't really

matter how you stick it in. It's not about how you stick it in or how long or how big. It's about calming down and thinking about her pleasure, her body, and having a little curiosity when you're there, a little sense of playfulness will go a long way. So that's the first thing I always talk about is mindset. Yeah. Mindset's such a big one. And it's funny how all these traps that we have in life around being caught up in our own headspace, no matter what it is, whether it's before a big presentation, public speaking, podcasting, like anything. If you're stuck up here, you're not going to be speaking from your heart. You're not going to be authentic. And you're certainly not going to be able to feel everything that's going down there.

If panic's going on up here, why is that going to stay hard, right? I'm in fight or flight mode. You know, my body's thinking about running away or in panic, you know? Well, and there are, you know, the brain is the biggest sex organ is something I talk about a lot. That's ultimately where your pleasure, your brain is just taking signals, right? Pleasure signals. Everything is here really in your body is just sort of reacting to those signals. So you've got to get your mind in the game. You really do. So men come to me a lot. There's an interesting thing. Obviously, a lot of men struggle with, you know, coming too fast. And there's a, you know, we all understand the idea of you got to practice how you play in life, in anything, right? And most men as boys

growing up in their sort of teen years, they're kind of coming into their own. They're starting to masturbate. When you masturbate as a boy, you're doing it as quickly as possible, right? You're running in the bathroom. You're in bed with a sock, whatever it is. You do not want to get caught. You want to run the water, get it done. Nobody hears you. And so that's how you practice for many, many years. And then when you start to have sex, of course, and so you're forming that sort of emotional association, right, with sex and it being quick to get it over with as quickly as possible. And then when you start actually having sex with another human being, you then tend to struggle with it happening too quickly. And a lot of men,

you know, sort of get really stressed about that. And sometimes it sticks with men for many years and they don't understand why. But when you think about all those years you were raised doing it very, very quickly, it's easy to understand and you don't need to beat yourself up about it. But that's actually something you can actually work on on your own is how you masturbate. Yeah, that's a huge tip. And it goes both ways. From the man standpoint, for many years, that's how I would eat pussy. I was just like, all right, let's do this. Let's go. You know, to get in there like a ravenous wolf. And it's like, every time I get a tap on the shoulder, like, hey, you got to slow down. Let's start easy. Work your way up. And it's like, every time I get a tap on the shoulder, like, Hey, you got to slow down, you know, like, like let's start easy, work your way up, you know, even, even every now and then my wife will be like, slow down, pal. You know, like if it's been, if I'm gone for a week and I

come home, you know, and I'm like, Oh yeah, sorry. I was, yep. All right. Did it again. Well, I always, you know, talk about how like, you know, it's like, you're not a DJ too when you're getting in there in the clip, like take it easy, you know? For sure. And also another tip just for men across the board for pleasure is, you know, this isn't a new tip, but sometimes everybody uses a reminder when you're, when you're with a woman and she says, oh, I like that. You don't speed up and you don't slow down.

You do exactly what you've been doing when they give you the compliment so that's just a yeah and i think if we if we do role reversal like if i'm receiving head and i say that's it right there like that that's what will get me across the line right like don't no change ups there everybody has this idea of speeding up to the finish line um and so i think there's this desire to like oh you, you like, okay, here we go. And you start to, you know, jump on and speed up or get more aggressive or kind of hold tighter or lick faster. And usually it's whatever it is. And a lot of people too, like for women, like consistent, everybody's different, right? Some men like really sort of, they like it more aggressive and they like a tighter grip, right? And they want their skin

gripped and some men like it. That's way too much for them and they don't like it. aggressive and they like a tighter grip, right? And they want their skin gripped and some men like it. That's way too much for them and they don't like it. So another thing is whether you're a man or a woman, you have to ask questions and that can be part of the sexiness. Asking questions, do you like it a little bit more like that or like this? That can be fun, right? You can make a game out of that, a very sexy game of learning someone's body and that's a way to get over your anxiety of being with someone you talked about how kind of first time with somebody could be really nerve-wracking and that's nerve-wracking for everybody men or men or women in the movies we have this idea too because of all movies and tv shows and sex in the city right where you have sex with somebody the first time and it's amazing, right?

And everybody's coming and it's awesome. Rip the clothes off. Yeah. Oh my God, so good, right? Like you just magically meet this stranger and understand their body and their quirks and their history and you're totally comfortable with each other.

And that's just not real. When my boyfriend and I, early days, he was like, you have to, I mean, he was sort of joking, but he was like, you have to agree I mean, he was sort of joking, but he was like, you have to agree to six times. Then you can decide if you're in or out. Six times, okay? And then you can't decide to live in six times. You got to give me a chance. And we laughed about that. But there is something to that. Yeah, communication is such a big deal. And it's

funny to me because I have, you know, Tosh and I have friends that have been couples for a long time, some of which are married and there's a common complaint from women that anytime they try to give direction, the men take offense to it. And it's like, wow, is that like completely missing the mark or what? Like that's your cue to take a clue on exactly what your partner wants from you. And yet so many men take it personally and it's not, I mean, everyone's different. Like I could have sex with a hundred people and each of them would want it differently because it's all personal. And then that each person individually may want

it differently every single time because each experience is unique. Well, and that's, there's obviously an ego thing in there and that's just one of those tough lessons. You're being self-defeating and you're also not really thinking about your partner's pleasure. You're putting yourself first, even if you don't realize it. And that's absolutely something that I've had people talk to me about that as well. But that's also that performance first, pleasure second thing thing you're thinking about your own performance more than you're thinking about discovering their body and what works for them. And discovery is way sexier than performance any day. You know, if, if a woman is, you know, a woman, it's not about a woman being an absolute, just like sex pot bed, who's

like, I'm going to do it like this to you. I mean, maybe there's a time and place for that, but the truth is what's really sexy is somebody who wants, wants you and wants to understand you and wants to figure out what turns you on. I don't know that there's anything for either gender that's sexier than somebody who's really wants to figure you out. Right. And it's paying that kind of attention. So that's just one of those tough things. If that's what you're doing, you've got to stop doing that because you're also selling yourself short of being a better lover. Yeah. How do you learn in anything? Like I remember when I was 19, I was playing, playing a junior college football and had a coach that was trying to teach me a spin move.

And I ended up getting benched that year, of course, because I was like, why the fuck would I do that? I want to bull rush. I'm really good at bull rush. I don't need to do a fucking swim move. And if I need something else, I'll do a swim move. I don't need to do the spin move. And he's like, son, I'm trying to teach you a different way. And you can have all these tools in the arsenal.

And then, of course, I got sat on the bench the second half of the year. But that was a valuable lesson because if you're not coachable, you don't get coached. And if you aren't coachable with your partner, eventually that coaching will stop too. And then how are you going to learn how to improve? You know, you may, that may be a programming as we go back to things like NLP,

that may be a programming, that repetition of saying, no, I know what I'm doing and not being, you know, on the receiving end and wanting to listen and wanting to learn. If that persisted long enough, that may teach your partner to not want to communicate with you. Well, absolutely. And I think it's important to note that because all of this stuff is, these are lessons about sex, but it's not just about sex. These are lessons about life. And pretty much all of our issues come down to two things. And it's the fear of being unlovable and the fear of being critiqued. And so we have, you know, when you, we talk about the subconscious and our programming and stuff, our subconscious makes associations. And we don't always realize that in our conscious minds, but like if a toddler walks up to a hot stove and touches it, they burn themselves, right? Oof.

So they learn that lesson quickly. Then later when they see a fire in the fireplace, they don't have to touch the fire in the fireplace to know that they know that's fire and that hurts. Well, the same thing happens in life emotionally. When I was going through all my orgasm issues for those many years, I consciously wanted to have an orgasm. That's what I talked about all the time. It's what I said I wanted. I want an orgasm. I want an orgasm with another person. But subconsciously, I didn't. I wanted to be safe more than I wanted to orgasm. And my subconscious felt that that's, instead of that's heat related that hurts that's sex related and that hurts right so i made this subconscious association between sex and something that is painful and hurts you and that was deep deep down inside but that connection was very it was there

but consciously i wanted it right but my subconscious was ruling my behavior it's ultimately if you're conscious and your subconscious are going up against each other and they're in conflict, your subconscious wins every time, no matter what. So we have to unpack those things. And if you have a partner who has a fear of being critiqued, right? And they have a fear of being criticized, that's something you really need to unpack because that's not just going to affect how you are in a partnership and how kind of lover you are, but it's going to affect everything in your life, right? If you are afraid to learn because somebody might tell you you're wrong, which means you're unlovable, right? They're all sort of in there together. And eventually, you know,

with your partner, it spills over, I'm sure, into all levels of your life. And so if you're somebody that, you know, rejects your partner's communication and your partner's teachings, eventually they might not, they're going to disconnect from you, is the truth. Yeah. In more ways than one. That would go everywhere. Like, don't tell me how to mow the lawn. Don't tell me how to do this.

It's going to cause all kinds of problems. And so that's something that if you find yourself immediately knee-jerk reaction, responding badly to your partner's teaching in bed, then that's a signal you need to step back and think about why and if that's the person you want to be. And also maybe take a look and see if that's spilling over into other areas of your life. Very cool. Well, let's dive into some of the fun sex tips. I know you're going to. Let's, I mean, let's start with how to eat pussy like a champ. Let's get into that. I know, obviously, we'll link to your Instagram in the show notes where people can watch the

videos in full. But what are some tips around that for guys? Because I think that's, for me, it was a huge blessing to understand that better and to continue to be curious and to continue to learn how to do that. And I'm still a work in progress, but I think that to me, and it even goes back to like the, I think one of the tips he gave was like, if you, if you're overexcited and you feel like you're going to come back out and go back down, you know? And I think that's, that's been one of the ways that it's like, you could, you could make, you could stretch that forever, you know? So talk a bit about those tips there. Well, and actually speaking of that very tip, because that's super, super simple.

And you kind of go, oh gosh, I can't believe somebody had to tell me that. You're right, I don't have to stay there the whole time. But speaking of that, involve the whole body. A lot of people think I'm gonna eat pussy and then they just see this one area, right? And really all we're doing is just trying to bring pleasure to the body. And there's a lot of erogenous zones and your entire skin can be,

and your whole body can be an erogenous zone. So take your time. You know, there's a lot of areas of the body that don't get a lot of attention. So you can do a lot of kissing and touching and use your fingers and use your nails and tease. I think teasing is something that can be very effective and it can also be a way to learn what your partner is into and even discover new things that they're into that they didn't know were there. So, you know, using your breath, hot breath, right? Hot and cold air, doing a little bit of that breathing, just barely running your finger around, you know, the edges of her lips, stuff like that. It's not just about getting in there and licking clit.

So I would say do a lot of teasing. Use the whole body. You can also reach up and play with her nipples while you do it. Because a lot of women, for some women, they don't care. That's not going to do a lot. But for some women, that alone can bring them close to the edge. So nipple play while you're licking pussy can be great. It can make the job easy for you because some people really respond to that. Another tip would be, obviously, you do have to, most women only orgasm through stimulation of the clit. Whether they're having vaginal sex or anal sex, or you're going down on them. So you do, the clit is like the, the place to be, but you don't just, you don't just have to just, you know, lick, lick, like you can use your tongue. Your tongue can make a lot of shapes. So that's something I talk to people about. Your tongue can be flat and wide

and firm. You can use the very tip of your tongue, right? And to be very light pressure, you can do circles and figure eights. And so use the different textures and areas of your tongue. And that goes for wherever you're looking. You can also pull back the hood. So you can kind of reach and pull back so that the clit is exposed and it gives a lot more surface area. That's where all your nerve endings are. So when you pull that back and tighten that up, when you start licking, there's a lot more surface area and it can really ramp up the intensity. Although when you do that, some women get a little too sensitive. So don't get in there hard.

Start very light and work up your pressure and work up your pace. What's another pussy licking? Oh, you know, ask if it's okay or work your way down there, whatever. But don't forget about, you know, don't forget about a butthole. Because I consider that to be all part of the same area. Some people have like, you know, that's two zones and one of them is the no-no zone. You know, but I think that if everyone is open to try it, it shouldn't be a no-no zone. Or it's a great place to involve, especially with the tongue.

And it also just mindset-wise, a lot of people, it can really excite them just because it feels naughty to lick down there and to touch down there. And the naughtiness alone can bring people even closer to climax. And you can use your finger down there while you lick and just kind of rub her butthole area. I hate there's no good word for it. That doesn't sound stupid, by the way. It's forbidden fruit.

It's like butthole. It sounds like a teenager. And also use your fingers. So a lot of people think they need to, like some women need a lot of speed. And it can be really hard to keep your tongue going as long as you need to go and you don't have to a lot of people think they have to use their tongue only you can use your hands take a break and that's called fake chow and hall pass you're not quite eating it out you're just using your hand the whole time you can well you can do

some licking and then use your hand do Do some licking, use your hand. You can also, while you're licking a little more slowly, giving yourself a break, use one or two fingers inside and just move your finger in and out gently. And then you don't have to use your tongue to do all the heavy lifting because you're going to be sore the next day for a lot of people. So there are no hard and fast rules. Everybody's body is different. So you need to pay attention to her if she's moaning and moving her hips a little bit and do that for a little while longer. But ask some questions because some women

like changing what you do. They like the surprise and they like the new, and some women like consistency. When they, when you find some pace in something you do, they like the surprise and they like the new, and some women like consistency. When they, when you find some pace and something you do, they want you to stick with that for the next like eight minutes straight. Right. And so you really, it's not, a lot of people think it's unsexy to ask questions. And I think it's, if you, I mean, it depends on how you ask it, but asking questions, do you like this? Do you want me to stay like this? Right. Do you want me to keep going or do you like me to change it up? I joke that the best sex I ever had was with my optometrist because he was asking me, do you like it like this or like this? How about now? But you can use a little bit of that. Channel your inner optometrist when you're down there and ask questions so you can learn her body. I love it. Well, we touched on one, the, the, uh, the pull

out and go down method, but what are some of the ways that guys can extend sex and last longer? Sex in general? Yeah. Uh, you know, we used to joke about like, you know, think about dead puppies, you know, bang your grandma, but the know. Bang your grandma. Yeah, bang your grandma. But the root idea that there is something there, but it's a little less silly than that, which is basically to get it back in the room. So when you find yourself getting a little too excited, you can kind of take a breath and start thinking about what the air feels like in the room. How do the sheets feel? Like you can start to come up with a couple of things that center you and ground you a little bit like in the room. How do the sheets feel? Like you can start to

come up with a couple of things that center you and ground you a little bit more in the room and help you refocus and get a little bit more grounded without having to think about banging your grandma. So that is one of the things. Also, this is why hypnosis and self-hypnosis is really effective because ultimately we're talking about anxiety and excitement, like two kind of extreme nervous system feelings, right? And hypnosis is actually something that happens. It happens in the nervous system, this relaxation, and then you can program yourself. And something I do is create custom programs for clients that I work with. So creating a self-hypnosis program that you

can listen to privately in your headset that helps you. So you listen to it a couple of times a week as you're falling asleep and it, you know, could be a custom program for you in lasting longer and staying hard and being in relaxation and, you know, lowering your anxiety. That is, it's amazing because that gets in there at a very core level, but it's, you know, what that can do for people. So that's something that I offer. It's like a highway to getting where you want to be. And it's personalized for the client. That's really cool. And, but I am, I'm working on some programs that I'm going to be releasing that are general programs for these things. But obviously when you work with couples or clients one-on-one, you can personalize it greater detail, but I am going to be, I'm working on an app. Oh, very cool. Yeah. That's going to cover all sex related for men and women.

Like I said, everything from healing from trauma and shame to, you know, maintaining erections and easy orgasms and even increasing sensation, like nipple sensation and increasing lubrication and stuff like that. Because there's a body-mind connection. If your mind can imagine it, your body can respond. So there's a huge amount of work that can be done. I'm super interested in that. We were out in Northern California at Stanford with Dr. Andrew Huberman, and he runs the Huberman Lab. He's actually been on the show a couple of times. And one of the things they're studying that has really, really good efficacy is – or not meditation – hypnosis before sleep and how that improves sleep. And it's like it just blew my mind. Like the stats there were greater than any other modality, better than any prescription

drug. And unfortunately, we didn't have enough time because I was like, yo, can you put me through the program? I want to get hypnotized and do that. But it seems like the possibilities there are pretty wide ranging. They are. Well, and you were talking about as you're going to sleep and something for sleep, I use it a lot for sleep, but I also use it. So the sort of the two times that you are most susceptible to change in the subconscious state is in the few minutes as you're falling asleep and in the few minutes as you're waking up. And so those are the two most important times of the day for your programming. And so when you listen to self-hypnosis audio programs as you're falling asleep, that is super effective. And no matter what you're listening to it for, I listened to one to be like less afraid of

conflict. One time I fell asleep. I swear the next day I was like, it went in a little too deep. I was like, I was a little, I was almost like mean the next day. You know what I mean? Anybody that crossed me, I'm like, I'm going to tell you what I think. I was like day you know what I mean anybody that crossed me I'm like I'm gonna tell you what I think I was like you know what I think I need to lay off that one and that one that one was a little too effective for me um but it really is those are the two times when you're taking a messages and something that I realized that I do a lot or used to do a lot was um I would lay in bed as I was falling asleep I would sort of let my imagination think about everything I was stressed about and almost imagine the worst outcomes of what was going to happen if this, if that. And that's what I did as I fell asleep during that really prime time of programming. And, you know, a lot of people talk about manifesting, which is this very sort of,

there's something to it, but you're also missing the nuance of why. How it works. How it really works. It's not just a magical thing, right? And in a way, as you're also missing the nuance of why. How it works. How it really works. It's not just a magical thing, right? And in a way, if you are programming yourself subconsciously for the worst as you fall asleep, you do manifest that in your life, you know? So I realized I very quickly had to change that.

And I had to think about positive things or at the very least listen to something like a meditation or or hypnosis app that just focused my mind on something else. And it really made a difference. Well, I'm surprised you're able to fall asleep when you're thinking about all that stuff. It would keep me up. Yeah, so many people. I know I've talked about this a lot of times on the show, but if the first time you think about your day and all the things that are stressing you out is right when you lay down in bed at night, because you've gone from one thing to the next, literally from the start of your day, watching the news and eating food.

And then in the commute, you're listening to talk radio and then you have work and then you get home and you turn on the TV or you have your kids. That can't be the only time of the day that you really sort your shit. No. Because if it is, you will not sleep. No. And you're whole next day. And I'm speaking from my own experience as well, you know? Yeah. You're not going to sleep and you're setting yourself up. It's like, you know, when you, it's like a reverse vision board, right? You know, like people that are like, I made a vision board of all the things I want in my life. Well, if you go to bed every night thinking about everything that's stressed, that you're stressed about, you're basically vision boarding all the worst things that could happen in your life and

you're making that your focus. And so the same thing happens if that's what you're focusing on every day in those very, especially in those very important moments. Because when you're falling asleep, your critical factor essentially, we have something called a critical factor, which is basically like a filter in our minds, which is, takes in information and rejects or accepts that information. And so the critical factor is, is what, um, we have kind of in our conscious mind all the time. And when we get into a state of relaxation as we're falling asleep or in hypnosis or in meditation, that critical factor kind of goes to sleep as well. And so then we actually allow in new ideas without our own conscious mind getting in the way. And so,

and so, you know, you're sort of allowing all those ideas to sink in at that very important time. And, but also this is also going back to sex and, and erections and men. We have this one, I said we make emotional associations, you know, the, the hot stove or whatever, the same thing happens. Our subconscious mind wants to protect us all the time. Right. And it doesn't know the difference between a tiger hiding in the grasslands and, you know, something that happens, you know, in a fight with your spouse or whatever, it just senses danger and it wants to get you out of it. So if you have a bad sexual experience one night, right, and you couldn't get it up or you couldn't keep it up, the next time you have sex, you start to make that association, right? Sex equals danger and your body wants, your subconscious wants to get you out of danger. So what's the best way,

if sex is dangerous now for you emotionally, what's the best way to get you out of it? Not get hard. Right. And it's like, aren't you happy? Look what I did for you. I got you out of this terrible situation, buddy. Right. And so, you know, we, that's why we have to get in there at that level and re, you know, make a new association for you. Cause if you let that get a hold, if you let that idea that every time I have sex, man, if you start to, oh, what if when you get that fear, what if I can't get it up again? When you start to get in that pathway, you're thinking about yourself, not the other person, right? You're now, that's, you know, you start to create that association and then you have two experiences and now, oh man, now the association is really strong, right? Sex is

dangerous. Bad things happen when I have sex and you can't get it up. And then you keep rewriting the loop until you're stuck in it. And really, you're in your own way. Your body functions just fine. You know, your penis works. And, you know, your brain is just a little too effective at protecting you in its own backwards way. So that's why, you know, what I do is effective because it helps people stop that and rewrite that association. Sex is wonderful. Sex is pleasurable. I'm good at this. My body works how it's supposed to, you know, it's a functioning machine. It works beautifully and it knows just what to do and how to get pleasure and how to receive pleasure. So

you sometimes have to rewrite that because you get stuck in this fear loop, right? And then once you get that in your head, it's hard to get it out. Yeah, you got to have a new mantra. Well, let's talk about some of the stuff that you come across with couples in particular because that's something a great deal of the work that we do in Flipper Service is on relationships. But so much of that has to do with communication. I know we touched on that. But what are some of the other things that you see coming up with couples? And what are the ways that you solve that?

I would say the number one thing is a lack or a loss of the sexual connection and intimacy in general. And usually people are focusing, a lot of men are focusing on the sexual contact between the couple and the woman is focusing on the idea of the intimacy as as they are the idea that they're two different things right but they're obviously just two sides you know of the same coin but I would say that's the number one thing is relationships after a certain amount of time stop having so much sex you know sometimes they're not having sex at all. And so rekindling intimacy. And that is not just about sex. Obviously, that's sort of the presenting thing that they want to get solved.

But there's underlying. It's communication. It's trust. It's respect. It's listening. It's asking questions. All of those things are underneath it. But I would say that's the number one.

So let's talk about that because this is, this is reminding me of, uh, the five love languages and, you know, like, and just, uh, for people who haven't read it and we all have five love languages for my wife and I, it's, it's both touch. Thankfully it makes it very easy. Um, and then of course there's secondary and, and, uh, and other ones that link behind that. But say my wife was acts of service and she really felt love when I would do things like mow the lawn and fold laundry and take the kids to school and those kind of things. And mine was still touch. And if we're at odds with filling each other's love meter in the way that we receive it, that can be an issue. So thinking about that from men thinking of sex as the physical thing and women thinking of intimacy and the separation there, what are the ways that men fill that love meter through intimacy?

Right. When men are thinking only about sex and women. Well, it's hard to paint everything with the same brush because every couple, everybody is so different in how they communicate. And so that's what you kind of have to get in there and do the work. But I would say one of the things that happens is they get in this cycle where it's, where men are like, okay, they say, I want to have more sex with my wife. And my wife turns me down a lot, so I got to keep asking. I got to ask more, because if I ask five times, and one out of five times she says yes, right, or one out of ten times she says yes, then I got to increase my asks to increase my number of chances of yes, and then she feels like she's being pestered. And the more he asks, the more closed off she gets and the more she says no. And then we get in this cycle, right?

And then he says, oh gosh, now she's saying no even more. I've got to keep asking more, right? And so you get in these dual cycles where it's not working, right? And for that reason. And so one of the things that if you're really at sort of an extreme point is sometimes we talk about taking sex off the table for a certain amount of time. And this is a set amount of time. Let's say for four weeks or for two weeks, you're going to take sex completely off the table and he is not going to ask for sex. But also you set some homework. So the first thing you're going to do is you're going to have a night where he gives her a massage, right? And there will be no sex. And if you break this rule, you're in trouble with teacher. Because part of it is learning to be touched again without having to feel like at the end,

you have to say, you have to let them down or feel pressure or be turned down or wonder, is this going to be the moment now? Because she feels like she just wants to be touched without feeling like she's being used for her body parts. But she wants to feel the touch. She just wants to feel really cared for and loved for who she is and her body and her feelings, not just for sex. And then you reverse it. So there's another night. You take a couple more nights.

Then she does the same. Gives you a nice full body massage, no sex. You start to get in touch with intimacy, with touch with each other, for giving to each other and receiving. And then you start to work in, you can, there's another night where you plan to have, you're not going to have sex. You're going to touch and you're going to kiss. And then you can, and then you're going to stop it. It's also amazing what happens when you put boundaries on sex, how much sexier sex becomes. Because, does that make sense?

It reminds me of like fucking being 15 years old. Because you're 15, right? Heavy petting. That's all you think about. You're just like, oh my God, I just want to make out again. Right. So it can really that the whole, and then you start to add in more pieces and there's more to it. There's also a little homework. There's some self, there's some conversational homework and there's some self-assessment homework, but that whole, it's like a four week process of getting back in

touch with each other. And it's learning to really sort of honor the other person more than just about sex. It's learning to give and receive. And so there's a process there that can be very helpful. Because it's not just about sex. We always talk about sex. Sex is really just like a, it's a happy symptom of great communication and great intimacy. And then the sex happens and the sex is wonderful. But you can't be sort of sex first and everything else falls away either, right? So you have to have all of that together. And so another thing we talk about in this sort of toolkit is asking why. And this is something we couples don't do and people don't do. And the why factor is pretty major. So like a lot of times couples, we talk about the love languages, right? Like if your wife, if acts of service make her feel

loved, then she wants to give love, right? So if you're doing things around the house, she sees that as showing how much you love and value her so then she wants to give love. You feel valued when you're touched and you feel wanted, right? So those are your love languages and most of us can understand that and you have to sort of understand your partner's love language, right, to give that to them. But when we're in a relationship and let's say every day or, you know, over the last year you and your partner have been fighting about the same stupid thing, right? There's this one little thing you guys fight about it all the time. That's usually a good sign that you need to stop and ask some questions. You need to ask why. You

probably need to ask why about five times. It's like, why are we fighting? When you don't do the dishes, your partner's mad at you, right? Why are you so mad at me for not doing the dishes, right? It's not about the dishes. She might say, well, it just makes me super mad. Why? Because I feel like you don't respect me, right? Why? Well, because I'm not working now, and you're working, and you come home,

but you think that I don't work, so you expect me to do the dishes. But I am working, and you don't see how much I'm working. It's hard to raise the kids. Now we realize we're not arguing about dishes, right? We're arguing about something real. Now we have something we can actually deal with in the relationship. And it's about respect and it's about fear of, you know, having no purpose. And it's about your partner valuing you. So we talked about like acts of service. So when you understand, when you ask why of your partner and you ask why of yourself, you can actually meet your partner's needs and get your needs met. And so a lot of times when sex is going in a relationship, it's not really about sex. We have a lot of whys to ask. And then when we get underneath it, now we can start to do the work. That was awesome. Thank you. What are some other

tips that are, I guess, pre-post-sex that help? And I'm thinking of the video you just did. This will come out, I think, in November, but the video that I saw of you on Instagram about cleanliness and showering. And I was like, oh God, that is so perfect. Yeah, that's exactly. And for both parties, I mean, my wife, she is much more comfortable if she's allowed to have a nice long shower. But if we're running around, you know, it's been a crazy day and we just get our son down and then it's like, go time. It's like, well, let's give me 30 minutes, you know, that kind of thing. Well, everybody has different things. Like some people do not, they're not, when I say cleanliness, I mean, I'm talking, there's a baseline that everybody should be that I just don't think I have to explain, right? Just don't be gross, right? But even beyond not being gross,

if we're just accepting that we're not going to be gross. Above that, like, some people don't really, like, some people aren't super picky, right? Some guy's like, yeah, you're great, babe. You're good. And she's like, she doesn't really want him to go down on her. And if she doesn't really want him to go down on her, then she's not going to be relaxed. If you're not relaxed, you're not going to really enjoy it. And that's how people start faking it or not enjoying themselves. And nobody wants that. So if your partner, and this is also asking why, right? If your partner goes, no, not tonight, and you immediately go, okay, right? And you don't ask why, you might think to yourself, she doesn't like how I do it.

I'm not good enough. She's not into me. Things are, whatever it is, you get offended, right? And then your sex and your relationship is, you get offended, right? And then your sex and your relationship is just this little chip, right? And if that keeps happening, it happens five or 10 more times over the course of a year, right? Now you have a thing that she doesn't want it. And she's, she now feels kind of, well, if you asked her why, why is it that you say that? Because, you know, you keep saying that and what's, what's, what's going on there? She might say, well, I haven't really showered.

I'd like to be extra clean. It just makes me feel comfortable. Oh, now you know that it's not about you, right? And that is a big deal, right? Because you could have created a lot of problems for yourself that didn't need to exist. Not only that, now you know, okay, if I'm going to go down on my wife and I'm really into that, let's take a shower first together. Because it's not just about knowing each other's turn-ons. It's equally, if not more important, to know what turns them off, what slows them down from

enjoying themselves. So also, like if some people, some people really don't care, they could just go have sex in a super messy room, dirty dishes in the sink, crap all over the floor, laundry, right? Kids stuff. And you could just have sex in the middle of that room on that bed with everything around and you don't care. But your partner might be looking around at the unfolded laundry and the kids games and everything that's everywhere.

And it just makes them feel unsexy, right? Reminds them of things they have to do. And if your partner's like that a lot, I'm going to make a generalization that a lot more women are like that than men. And so learn that. It doesn't have to be something you judge. It can be a tool. Now you know, all right, I'm going to clean up the bedroom. I'm going to make it look really good. And now, you know, now I'm taking away barriers to sex, right? That's a really important thing.

You want to take away as many things that get in the way of you two and hot sex as possible, right? So if you're only thinking about what turns her on, I've got this move and I've got this music, but the room's a mess. You haven't thought about what turns her off, right? Well, then you're, you know, you're going to slow down the process. So get rid of the barriers, learn about what your part, what slows your partner down so you can set the mood, right? If some people are really sensual too, they like a little dim lighting and they like some,

so learn that and do that. And then now you're, now you're pretty far ahead, right? Your partner's like, doesn't have a lot of reasons to say no. Yeah. And like, just to that note, like taking, even if acts of service is not the main love language, taking work off of someone's hands and jumping in when you can. Like if I get off work early and I vacuum or do the laundry or do something that she would normally do 99 times out of 100, that goes a long way. Or I take Bear to go play at the trampoline park or

something like that. And that gives her time to shower early before he goes down. It's huge. So then we can take our time and we're not having sex at 10 o'clock at night after a long day and we're both tired and just want to snuggle and talk, you know? Absolutely. Because you learn those things and you start to take away those barriers. You start to figure out all the ways that you can sort of make your partner feel valued or wanted or sexy. Because like a lot of people are parents and parenting isn't sexy, right? It's not. And cleaning house and doing dishes and vacuuming is not sexy. So it's really

hard to just, some people switch modes really easily as well. They can go immediately from parent or work mode to sexy mode very quickly. I'm a person that takes a shift, right? Mark and I work together. So we are literally together all day working. And so sometimes it's really hard for me to switch over, right, to the mode. I need like a decompression time and then I can move into the different version of me. Okay, now I can be adult Kate. Now I can be like sexy Kate, you know, and think about sex and I need time, right? So that information, asking myself those questions, my partner asking me those questions means that now he knows that if he just jumps right in and I've got my glasses and my tea

and my grandma sweater and I've been working and he jumps right in to tear my clothes off, most of the time I'm not, he's going to get rejected. So instead of being offended by that, by asking me why, he can learn, you know, the code. He's figuring out my code, right? And then he can now give me the time to allow me to shift. Or sometimes we do little things. And I think this is really important too. Like if you, like for me, I take a little shift in time. So it's like, take time, go out in the hot tub. Hey, I turned on the hot tub. If you just want to, you know, we can go relax or whatever. That makes a huge difference.

Or in like the reverse of that is like he could go at any time like he's just there's no in a lot of men are like this there's no need to have some little time period to shift into the new version of mark right he's ready he's ready but he likes um like little things like little flirty texts and stuff get his mind like he Like he likes to, if I sent a text message with just the edge of a new pair of panties, right. Couldn't quite see the whole thing and sent that to him. Now the whole rest of the day, right. He's excited. That's all he can think about. And so when you learn those, you can learn those things about your partner and then you're really priming each other for a great sex life that you can find in between all the unsexiness that can happen in regular life. Yeah. That's, that's, that's so good. That's something that's

making me think about, uh, just all the stuff that my wife does for me in that regard, you know, similar photos, things like that, where it's just like, that's, that's it right there. You know, like I will be thinking about her the entire day if I get a photo in the morning or at noon. Absolutely. And if you can find time to Facebook update or look at Instagram, you can send a sexy text to your partner. Hands down. Right. People say like, oh, it's hard to whatever and the work and the shift, the balance. It actually, you know, it's not about how much sex you're having with your partner. And I would argue that even men would agree with this. It's really about feeling desired, right? If you could only have sex once every two weeks,

but you knew your partner wanted you, desired you, and thought about you sexually, I imagine you would take that any day over a partner that was willing to have sex with you, but didn't make you feel desired and wanted. And, or maybe I'm wrong. You can correct me. Intent is so important. And we, we really, it's like nobody would ever, you know, we've got our hierarchy in life. We've got our kids, we've got our mortgage. Nobody would ever come home one day and say, you know, I'm just not going to pay my mortgage anymore. Right. I don't feel like I've got other things to deal with, but we do that with sex in our partnerships and intimacy. We'll put it at the bottom, right? Everything else will come above.

I've got to work out. I've got to deal with the kids. I've got to do the work. I've got to do the thing. I've got to deal with me and my time, right? But yet, why are you in that partnership? You're there to build a life together. Are you there to be roommates? Are you there to actually so you're putting everything above the very foundational reason you're together, right? Which is this partnership. So it really has to, it has to stay high up in everybody's minds and your intent to keep that important in your relationship at the top of your relationship, it has to be there. And a lot of times, you know, like people say they don't have time. And you might not have time for the greatest sex of your life or sex every night of the week, but you have time

to make your partner feel desired. Because it can be as simple as a text to let them know they're loved, to thank them, to let them know you think they look great in that outfit, to send them a picture of your panties, whatever it is, you have time for that because you have time to scroll through Instagram. Yeah. And we always have time and we can always, I mean, we can always do better with our time. You know, I don't train like I used to when I fight or when I fought, I might just knock out a 20 minute workout and that will leave me with more energy throughout the day than if I went and killed it for an hour and a half. But those are, there are ways that we can get a little bit of everything, even if we're just microdosing meditation or breath work

or these things. It just opens up our day so much better so that we can have some of these other things that should be a priority. And to your point, I have friends who ended their marriage on a good note because they felt like they were just living with a really good friend. And it's like, well, that's because you let this other thing fall away. Well, it's all choices. Everything is a choice. Whenever we say like, you know, I don't have time for that. What you're really saying is that's not a priority. And that's okay because not everything is going to be a priority, but you do need to think about when you say you don't have time for something in your life and really realize

if you say it like that, it's not a priority. Then you can start to say, well, should it be? Because certain things, right, in your relationship, you know, if you're not making that a priority, then what are you doing there, Right. And you have a choice there. So, you know, you do have to kind of look at what your priorities are. And when we say we don't have time for something, it's really because we're just, it's not important to us. And the more often you say it, the more you're repeating it, the more you'll make that manifest. That's right. That's right. And it all, and right, and here we go back to the beginning. It's all one big cycle. So, so yeah, I, I also talk to couples and sometimes you have to have a little come to

Jesus about it because people are simply making choices not to make their relationship a priority and they'll claim it's the fault of everything else, right? Well, I get tired at night. Well, it's hard with kids or hell, it's hard with work. Well, I'm stressed. Well, I get tired at night. Well, it's hard with kids. Or, hell, it's hard with work. Or, well, I'm stressed. Well, I've got to do too many things. But it's almost always BS. Yeah. Yeah. I've been a victim to that myself. It's been absolutely awesome coming out here to your home and having you on the show.

Thank you. Where can people find you online? You can find me. I'm most active on Instagram. So it's at KateSheeler. K-A-T-E-S-H-E-L-O-R. I'm also at katesheeler.com. And so you can find me there.

You can email me and DM me. I try to answer as many questions as I can, but also I'm a speaker and people, I do, like I said, I do kind of one-on-one work and couples work and consultations and stuff. So if you guys have questions, you can find me there. Awesome. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Thanks for tuning in to today's show with Kate Sheeler. I hope you all enjoyed it. Remember, visit kingsboo.com. Enter your email address. I'm not going to bombard you with bullshit. You're going to get one monthly newsletter, including a welcome letter, which will tell you everything that I'm up to,

the books that I'm reading, guests that I have coming up on the show, as well as the shit that I'm really trying to do and accomplish as a guinea pig. One of those is going to be the Paul Stamets microdosing protocol for psilocybin mushrooms alongside some other really fantastic shrooms, Fantastic Fungi, a great documentary that's about to come out and hit movie theaters everywhere, is awesome. And you can check them out at FantasticFungi. That was one of the impetuses for me to try this protocol. Even though it's not mentioned there, it's mentioned on a Joe Rogan podcast,

something that I'm going to be diving deep into and letting you all know what the results are. Thank you guys for tuning in, and we'll see you in a few days.