Kyle Kingsbury Podcast - #129 Erick Godsey
Episode Date: November 29, 2019This week I'm joined by my soul brother Erick Godsey. Erick is a regular for the show and if you don't know, he always drops knowledge. Today he's giving us an amazing breakdown of his 1st ayahuasca e...xperience. Four ceremonies and some deep lessons in this one. Strap in. Connect with Erick| Instagram | https://www.instagram.com/erickgodsey/ Twitter | https://twitter.com/erickgodsey?lang=en The Myths That Make Us Podcast | https://apple.co/2JN4bNK Show Notes| Soltara - https://soltara.co/ Internal Family System - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internal_Family_Systems_Model Erowid - https://www.erowid.org/ Hero With a Thousand Faces Book - https://amzn.to/2r96nbG Show Sponsors| Butcher Box www.butcherbox.com/kyle $20 off your first box (Limited Time offer) Plus two pounds of grass fed beef for the life of your subscription - The Ultimate Steak Sampler is our best deal of the year. Get 8 FREE 100% grass-fed and grass-finished steaks: 2 filet mignons, 2 New York strips, and 4 top sirloins in your first box. Concept 2 http://www.concept2.com/ Fit For Service Mastermind | Open Enrollment Now Open aubreymarcus.com/fitforservice Onnit Get 10% off all foods and supplements at Onnit by going to https://www.onnit.com/kyle/ Connect with Kyle Kingsbury on: Website | https://www.kingsbu.com Twitter | https://bit.ly/2DrhtKn Instagram | https://bit.ly/2DxeDrk Subscribe to the Kyle Kingsbury Podcast iTunes | https://apple.co/2P0GEJu Stitcher | https://bit.ly/2DzUSyp Spotify | https://spoti.fi/2ybfVTY IHeartRadio | https://ihr.fm/2Ib3HCg Google Play Music | https://bit.ly/2HPdhKY
Transcript
Discussion (0)
What's going on guys and gals? Today's guest is my good friend, my coworker, and my soul
brother. I think I could say that soul brother, soul brother. Mr. Eric Godsey has made his
way back to the show to discuss his recent trip to Sultara. So there's a lot of medicine
in this, literal medicine as far as the consumption of ayahuasca and how we talk about it, to very good downloads, things that I think people can take away without having to go to the Amazon or to Costa Rica and participate in an ayahuasca ceremony. and forth on the amount of conversations I have in and around plant medicines and psychedelics.
Some people are on the side of, why the fuck can't this just be about fitness, health and
nutrition and lifting weights anymore, bro? And then the other side of the fence where people
may have had some experience with that, or they're at least curious and they want to hear more.
So first, let me just say, there is something for everyone in this podcast.
And whether you're down or not down to participate in that, just know by listening to this show,
you're going to get a lot from it. I've thoroughly, thoroughly enjoyed this. I do make a point to say that this is not how everyone's first experience with ayahuasca is. I think a lot of what Eric
has drawn from the experience is due to the fact that
he's been really working his ass off on himself. You know, he's a Jungian analyst. He's a Jungian
analyst. He went to school for psychology. Obviously, he's in a pretty good pressure
cooker here at Onnit, you know, surrounded by guys like myself and Aubrey Marcus and Caitlin Howe, some of the other coaches that we have for Fit for Service. But Eric is a young
man who really has dialed the fuck in. And it's really beautiful to see his transformational
process and some of the things that he's gleaned from his experience at Sultara. So this was one
of my favorite podcasts I've ever done,
especially with regard to plant medicines,
but just in general.
It's awesome to see this beautiful young man
unfold into the person that he's going to be
and to be a part of that,
to bear witness to his process
and to be along for the ride alongside him.
Eric Godsey is just a fantastic human
and I know you guys are going to dig this one.
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If you've got a history of low back pain or things like that, I honestly had a bit of a back pain
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You know, I do a 10K row where I breathe through my nose the entire time. Or if you want to go
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I hope you guys enjoy this podcast with Eric Godsey. Remember, check out my website,
kingsboo.com and let us know what you think online at Kingsboo on Instagram.
Officially Clapton, Eric Clapton.
Hey, that's how you start a podcast.
I'm going to pay homage to my man Godsy
Alright, you're back on the show
We just did a
Well, recording on the day
That it released on the Aubrey Marcus podcast
With me, you, Caitlin Howe
And obviously Aubrey
And we share
What did we share?
We shared our
The hardest moment from the past year
The highest moment from the past year And the highest moment from the past year,
and the most transformative moment.
That's right.
The most transformative experience.
And that was a hell of a podcast
because I've never been a part.
First of all, I've done a lot of like
three people in a podcast.
You know, maybe I wouldn't say a lot.
I've done a handful of three people in a podcast.
And it seems like the more people there are, the less deep it goes because everyone has a finite amount of time.
And that was for sure the most unique podcast I've ever done because there was four of us.
Obviously, we're all close to each other. We all work very close with one another. And we're all
kind of doing the same, similar similar things similar activities for personal growth yeah but i've never i mean i've cried on podcast i've never seen four people cry
yeah pretty much continuously the entire two hours yeah and we weren't like a snotty mess
thankfully we know we could keep our shit together but like we just couldn't keep the tears back
all four of us the entire fucking podcast yeah it was glorious man
that was a fucking really special experience yeah man i think a big part of it was the questions
that aubrey asked but the moment one person went deep because we all know how to be in that place
they like it gave everyone permission and we all just went all the way right right away, the entire time. And yeah, it truly feels like, at least personally,
it was the most rewarding and powerful podcast
I've ever been a part of.
Yeah, it was special for sure, brother.
Well, if you heard that one,
well, if you haven't heard it by now,
if I can listen to it, we'll link to it in the show notes.
And then for us, this is going to be the deeper
dive into your recent experience, your first ayahuasca experience at Sultara. And you come
back with a ton of medicine. I had a couple different ideas on how I wanted to do this
to frame it. So I'll just give you my two ideas and then I'll let you run with it.
So the one idea would be to, at least something I want to cover is where you were at and you can trickle
this in however you want, where you were at as a person in your understanding of consciousness and
your understanding of how you framed the world, you know, being a union analyst having a psychology background um and really being fantastic
at that really being fantastic understanding the human psyche you're brilliant thank you man and
to now obviously getting a real taste of what the spirit world yeah dude can offer uh so i want to i
want to have that as a theme you know at in it. But I also want to give you
the space to just take us through the whole experience. And however long it goes, it goes.
I'm not worried about time. So at Sultara, you have Vomitivo on day one. And that's kind of
the icebreaker for everyone to purge in front of one another. It's also very cleaning and cleansing.
And then you drop in Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday off,
Thursday night, Friday night.
So four ayahuasca experiences while you're there.
Yeah, in five days.
Yeah, and I want you to just get in it, take it however you want,
and you'll hear me chime in from time to time.
But I want you to just fucking go deep on it.
Yeah.
So first, thank you for having me on.
And thank you for being the person that was the biggest advocate for going to Sultara.
Like the way you came back and the way that you talked about it, especially because you've had as many experiences as you've had, it made it so clear to me, like, I'm going to go there.
And as I tell the four knights, my new conception of what the universe is will come out like it's completely changed.
Like fundamentally has changed and i've always been the one in the office when people are talking about like the
spirit world and all this stuff i always come at it like a rationalist like here's how i think it
might work and all you guys were very uh patient with me just like this motherfucker does does not
know um yeah so that's all changed so i think on
that note if i can jump in for a second you've you've had a lot of experience with lsd and
psilocybin and i think you know as i mentioned to you before at different stages of your development
you will get granted the access for sure that takes you deeper that's exactly right for me it
was the same way i had experience with psilocybin in a very ceremonial way on native land with my old coach and maestro
Huizi. But the second I started working with ayahuasca, it just took me layers deeper. And
then from there, going back to psilocybin, especially working with penis envy, I'm able to
still connect and get to that really deep spot that ayahuasca provided for me initially.
It's one of those things, you know, where, you know, as you were talking about the way you might word things differently as I'm trying to explain it in my terms, and then you have a different way of explaining it is totally okay.
And the reason for that is you can't gift someone that download. It has to be a firsthand experience. It has to be experienced. It has to be. It can't be read in a book. Yeah, brother.
Yeah. And I did a lot of book reading. So to prepare for AYA, they give you the regular dieta,
but I also had the intuitive download to stop reading. So I read, you know, like an hour to two hours every day about psychology.
And there was this part of me that was just like, clear out space. You don't need to read. You're
about to go to school. So fucking relax. So for the six weeks leading into doing ayahuasca,
I started the dieta pretty early. You know, there is some woke bro energy here. And I heard,
you know, other people starting like four weeks out and five weeks out.
So I was like, I have to start six weeks out.
And I slowly ramped up the physical dieta,
but I started the information dieta about six weeks out and I stopped reading.
And the first big thing that kind of happened to set the stage for the ayahuasca experiences
is the flight there was an international flight and i
planned to like journal and meditate but um they had screens on the back of the seats and the seat
was like eight inches from my face and you couldn't turn it off and i was like this is this
is a wrench in the plan but i was like oh you know there are no coincidences let me just see what is
going on here they had eight downloaded movies that you
could watch during the flight. So for my podcast, The Myths That Make Us, one of my core questions
is what is the story that most resonated with you as a child? And I really think that that's an
insight into the story that you unconsciously or consciously tell yourself about what your ego is
and what you're doing in the world. And mine was The Lion King.
And one of the eight movies that was of selection on the plane
was the remade version of The Lion King,
which I hadn't seen yet.
The live action.
Yeah, man.
So good.
So good.
So I was like, this is perfect.
Like I haven't ingested almost any movie,
any TV show, any book for six weeks.
So like there was ripe soil for this story to get in
there. So I watched it and it was beautiful. But the thing that I recognized is every scene
with Mufasa and Simba, I started weeping on the plane. And I'm like shoulder to shoulder with
this grown man who doesn't speak English and I'm just crying. And I watched it twice
because it was like a five hour long flight.
And after I watched it twice
and the scenes continued to make your boy weep,
I started journaling about like,
what is going on here?
And my big pre-Aya download,
because I'd never done ayahuasca before
and I heard everyone's stories about,
you have no idea. You can try all day to try to prepare yourself, but you have no idea.
So it really was like, I was about to walk off the cliff. And there's this sense of heightened
cognitive processing, because you know you're about to go meet potentially oblivion. And I
think that that spurred me to have an insight being sober that
I wouldn't have had if I wasn't as afraid as I was. And kind of the download that I got was
the truth is the boy that's inside of me did not get the father that he wished that he had had.
And for 20 years, I basically just ignored the fact that this boy was heartbroken because he didn't
get the father that he knew boys could get. And seeing Mufasa teach Simba in this way of like,
you're destined to be a king and I see you and I'm going to be the fatherly principle to help you
become a king. I recognized that the inner boy in me
deeply, deeply, deeply wish he had had that.
And that a thing that I recognize,
I kind of get made fun around the office for this sometimes,
but I know I want to be a dad.
And I know that kind of my highest personal spiritual aspiration
is to be the type of father
that my children will be proud of having had.
And that's a huge guiding force in my personal development. And kind of the thing that I realized is what I'm trying to do
professionally in the world with psychology is me trying to alchemize my mother wound.
She basically had severe depression while I was a kid and I tried to heal it, you know, being,
you know, the egocentric child that we all were
and I wasn't able to. And so now I feel like I'm trying to do that with culture. So that's how I'm
alchemizing my mother wound and all this personal work that I'm doing on myself to become the man
that I know I want to be is me alchemizing that father wound that I felt like I had as a child.
And I was like, huh, that's really interesting interesting like that was the most clarity i've ever had about like the two stories that i'm living at the same time
and they're heavily influenced by my mother and my father wounding um so i was like noted
day one at the beginning of the day we do the vomitivo i have no problem i i drink the i think it's lemongrass tea
yeah and i had one big purge everyone clapped i was like that was easy you know uh like i don't
have a fear of vomiting in front of people all my experiences with vomiting have basically been
i don't feel good i vomit i feel great there's just not shame around it so i was prepared to do
that um that first night they give you a diagnostic dose.
And I guess to kind of give people an idea of what the structure looks like,
because it will come into play in the last ceremony,
I drank with 21 other people.
And you do it in this huge wooden circular building called a maloca.
And what's beautiful is this is like in this is a an
architecture that's been tuned over generations by the people who've been working with ayahuasca
and when you lay down and you look at the ceiling it looks like the archetypical mandala which is
the worldwide symbol for representing god like the mandala is the symbol like there's a picture of it
on the wall behind
you and i don't think that that's an accident you know that the shape of the roof is a mandala
but anyways you're in this circular building made of wood and the 22 beds are lined up around the
outer edge of the maloca and then in the middle there's like four seats thrones like when you're
in the ayahuasca space they look like thrones in the middle of the room of the male and female maestro and maestra,
and then the male and female facilitator, which are like two non shamans who have drank over a
hundred times were really tapped in. And two shamans have been brought up with this medicine
since they were fucking like kids. So on the first night they
give you a diagnostic dose and it's about 8 PM when we start drinking and once everyone
drinks their cup, they blow out the lights, it's pitch dark. But they give you like a
small dose. And my intention for night one was ayahuasca. Will you please introduce yourself to me? How's it? And there was so much fear and anxiety going into that first night because I
have no idea what to expect. I actually wrote a letter to myself to receive when I got back
that night before I left, just saying like, no matter what happens, you fucking answer the call.
This is being heroic. You're showing up to your life.
I'm so proud of you.
I love you.
I'll see you afterwards.
And the first night ended up being super chill.
Like I felt like a mild mushroom stoneness in my body where you kind of feel giggly.
You kind of feel drunk and I'm just like laying there.
And the two downloads I got from the first night was, you have to meet Ayahuasca
halfway. You have to dance with her. She's not just going to do this for you. That was the big
thing I got from night one. And the only vision I got on night one was, it felt like Ayahuasca
showed me what my inner character looks like. And it was a black dude with an Afro and glasses
with like headphones on, like journaling in his bed.
Like, and I just laughed and laughed.
Like, this is what you're showing me as I'm a black dude?
Like Spider-Man into the Spider-Verse.
Yeah, yeah.
It actually was a lot like that vibe.
And I just laughed and just,
I didn't know what to do with it.
And what was interesting, man, is everyone is sharing before the first night, like what they've heard about
ayahuasca. And one of the most common stories that came up is like people that expect a lot,
get nothing and then get really upset. After that first night, I think only like four people had
what you would call like an experience. And most people were like, I didn't feel anything. But I don't think there's so much around the psychedelic space where people aren't,
they either embellish or underplay whatever the experience is to magnify the story that
they want to tell about it.
And all these people after that first night were saying, I didn't feel anything.
I didn't feel anything.
A, I didn't believe them.
Like they felt something, but they were expecting fucking fireworks
and they were all getting worked up.
Like they were all getting like,
am I wasting my time here?
Am I wasting my money?
You know, is ayahuasca just bullshit?
And when I get in medicine space,
like the best part of me comes forward
and I just knew like,
we're all going to leave this retreat
saying it was perfect.
And like, we get to do it
again tomorrow night so that first night was really relaxing i felt like ayahuasca gave me
like a kiss on the cheek she she didn't start talking to me or do anything else she was just
you know a nice soft peck on the cheek night two is what completely transformed how I see the world forever. Yeah. So we get in our beds,
it's 8 PM, everyone comes up for their first cup. And what they do is everyone comes up and drinks,
and then they blow out all the candle lights, it's pitch dark and it's quiet for like 20 minutes.
And then you hear the maestro and the maestro slowly start to sing. And in this lineage of shamanism, what the doctor uses a scalpel for,
these shamans use song to completely structure and move energy in the space.
And it's unlike anything that I can intellectualize it all day.
Like, yeah, music is powerful, but like when you're on the medicine and they start singing,
it's like you feel the world come alive and it's complete darkness and you just hear them.
They start singing and it's almost like a whisper and then it grows and it grows and
it grows and it grows.
And you're just like, oh my God.
And that's like the opening song that they do.
And then it's quiet again.
And then after about 10 or 20 minutes,
the two shamans part to opposite sides of the maloca
because it's a circle.
And they sing to everybody one by one
in this clock-like way
where after about two to three hours,
everyone is sung to one by one by each shaman.
And the male shaman, because of where my bed was, started at my bed each night.
So he comes and he sings. I sit up. It's amazing. I feel like the ayahuasca starting to come on.
And my first major vision, so I drank a full cup that night,
was it's like I melted into the earth and i was in this like underground cavern
and it was like caves and the cave ceilings were like a hundred feet high and i saw this like 16th
century oceanic ship start to like move out of the opening of this cave and it was made completely of
bones and i'm just looking at it and like
i'm like i have no idea what this means but this is really fucking cool like this is what
i came here for and then what was weird is it evaporated i was back in the room and i felt sober
and it had only been like half an hour and i was like weird and then for the next 20 minutes was
my first real test and it was basically do i ask for another for the next 20 minutes was my first real test. And it was
basically, do I ask for another cup? And your voice was in my head, like, cause your advice
was always get a second cup, brother. And when I was in that space for like 20 minutes, I was like,
am I being greedy? Am I not accepting what is, and I'm trying to make it more.
But what I realized is no, I'm afraid.
And because I'm afraid, I have to do this. And so the way you ask for an extra drink is you turn on
your headlamp and it's like a red light. And the male facilitator that I felt a bond with when I
first met him, he actually gave me young Don Howard vibes. He walked up to me-
Was it Matt?
Todd. I'm not sure if you met yeah
i think he said that he came after you came and he walked up to me like i could see him in the
darkness and when you're on ayahuasca all the people who are helping in the middle look like
aliens like they're tall and slender and i don't know somewhere. So he walked over all quick, kneeled and said,
I've been waiting for you.
Come with me.
Because he too has dropped in.
Tuned in because you could turn on your light
to ask for help, to go to the bathroom
or to ask for more.
He didn't have to ask.
He just fucking knew.
And he said, come with me.
And it felt like the fucking matrix.
It felt like he was the fucking Morpheus.
And I was like, all right, here we go. So I go up to the middle and he goes to pour me a cup and he whispers,
did she come and then leave? And I was like, yeah, that's exactly what happened. And he has this
soft smile and he's like, she does that sometimes. And so he pours a cup and he pours it like
three-fourths of the way full, and he asked me,
is that good, and I said, that's more than I was going to ask for, but this is perfect,
and each night that I drank, I said this prayer to the cup, and I said, heal what needs to be
healed, reveal what needs to be revealed, and love what needs to be loved, and then I drank it,
and then I went back to my bed, and I laid down for like 20 minutes.
And my intention that night was, what is the nature of the human psyche?
Like I came with the questions, dude. And after about 20 minutes,
it's weird how this is an experience I never felt before, but the moment I felt it, I knew it.
I knew ayahuasca was in my space. Like I knew.
And so then I asked her,
what is the nature of the human psyche?
And she said, instantly, what makes you think it's human?
And then I kind of waited
because I thought that she was going to talk more,
but she didn't.
And then I realized the lesson from the first night
is I have to meet her halfway.
So I said, what is the psyche?
Instantly, she says, the totality
of possible experiences. And I was like, whoa, is there a difference between my psyche, a human
psyche, and your psyche, a plant teacher psyche? And instantly she said, same in totality,
different in particulars. And I was like, huh. And then I said, is there something about the
psyche that you can teach me that I don't know? And she said, what I can teach you,
I can't tell you, but I can show you. And then I fucking blasted off and blasted off.
And to give context, for the next four hours, I was so out of the room that someone there kind of had a psychotic break and they got up and was stomping around and laughing and making all these noises and there was a big commotion. I perceived none of it. That's how of a spiritual layer that I've been stuck at since I was six.
And so the background here is when I was six or seven, somebody told me for the first time what heaven was.
And the way that they described heaven was, if you do everything right, you go to this place where you and everyone you've ever loved will be completely happy forever.
And I know that they told me this and they thought that it would soothe me.
But I remember, man, for about two weeks after I was told that, every night, I basically
had like a waking nightmare where I would try to imagine like what forever meant. And it would create the most
despondent, hopeless, sad feeling that I had known as a child. And I was like, if I do everything
right, I have to go somewhere and I'm never allowed to leave. And I have to be there forever.
And it haunted me, man.
Like I would cry at night
and it was the saddest, most like,
it fucked me up.
And then I would pray to the God
that I knew was destining me to this
to help me forget it so I could fall asleep.
And after like 10 or 12 days,
it just kind of like went away
into the background of my mind.
And going to Peru last year to do wachuma and vilka and preparing for that i had this realization that my entire
adolescent and early adulthood raging atheism was me running away from that feeling like i i so did
not want that to be true that all of the kitchens and richard dawkins
reading and sam harris regurgitation was me running from that feeling of eternity
when i did vilca in peru it smashed me into that place of eternity like
look at this and i was so sick that day like i was so sick that no you were up
yeah antibiotics right before the trip yeah amazon is ruthless destroyed yeah and that that
experience was basically just it crushed me for an hour i i took almost nothing back like i got back
to that feeling of eternity and was just decimated by it um the very first thing ayahuasca took me to was back to that place.
And I was in such a better place physically. And I think this is why my week unfolded as perfectly
as it did. I read the chapter from Letting Go by David Hawkins about surrender.
Because the person I was staying with, she was nervous.
And so I read that chapter out loud to her.
And there was something about reading it out loud that really cemented it in me.
So when I got back to that place,
I found myself repeating love, love.
But the feeling was surrender, surrender.
And the vision I saw was kind of an Alex Gray-esque
like infinity sphere that was more than three-dimensional that felt like it was everything.
It felt like it took me back to Vilca, but my Vilca experience was just this like black
mesh of everything that just felt hopeless and eternal and without form. This had beautiful
lights and it felt like it had the divine and the chaos together, but it felt like God.
It felt like eternity. It felt like forever and always and undying and will always be.
And I could feel my ego and my ego felt that feeling I felt when
I was six and felt that feeling I felt when I was in Vilca, which was just like a despondent
hopelessness that I cannot articulate that is the depth of what I know of as suffering.
But right alongside it was just this complete awe and grace and love for like, this is the truth, man.
Like you were brought to this gate 22 years ago when you were six and you've been waiting outside
of that gate, reading philosophy, playing basketball, sleeping with women, distracting
yourself because you're afraid. Will you pass through? Will you walk through this gate?
And it felt like I did. And it felt something like what I imagine a ship feels like when it
passes through the event horizon of a black hole. It felt like I was being smushed into the fucking
bed. And I was feeling both the depth of sorrow and sadness and also this just
supreme like this is the truth and there's something about it that is perfect like it is
perfect and as soon as you can accept this we can take you to the next levels you know like that was
kind of the feeling and it feels like for the first time in 22 years, I was able to pass through that layer that I have been just waiting outside of reading books.
And then it gave way to the most somatically beautiful experience I've ever experienced.
They talk about in ayahuasca, you'll be visited by the doctors and they'll come and they'll work on your body.
That's what I experienced after I passed through that God gate is what I'm calling it,
is I saw this light that just my brain interpreted
as this is heaven's light.
And it's like, if the spirit of MDMA was put into gloves
and then God put the gloves on
and she was a master masseuse for like half an hour,
it felt like these hands were just smoothing out my body and like i could
feel my body was moving in ways i didn't have control over just like opening me up and for
like 30 minutes just these majestic god doctor hands just smoothing out my body and i felt
like for my entire life i've been this like animal with all tense muscles,
just like, is it okay, is it okay, is it okay, is it okay?
And just felt like, like it fucking relaxed.
It's better than any sex I've ever had
and any drug I've ever done.
Like the peace and the love that I felt in my body
was just so supreme.
And then it felt like once that was done like
once it did the work it needed to do it's like my spiritual mind was put into that white room from
the matrix where you can upload anything you want but it was like black and blue and one by one by name for the next two and a half hours, I summoned to the room,
every family member, every childhood friend, every lover, every coworker, every person that
I have an energetic bond to. I called them one by one by name to this room in front of me.
And I said, we can heal. And I sent them the light that i felt like was put into
me and it's so weird like i didn't try to do this this was just happening and i was witnessing it
and um you were in there obviously aubrey was in there caitlyn was in there like
probably about 65 or 70 people i brought to that room and just said we can heal um a couple of
interesting things happened during that experience i tried to send it to one of my past lovers
and i saw her as a clo as a closed um oyster and she was just like no i'm not ready like i don't
want to open up and i was just like okay and then I tried to send it to one of my ex's current partners
that I know fucking hates me.
And his energy was like, no, I don't want it.
No.
And I was like, okay.
I had this moment during that time where it felt,
I felt like I felt the spirit of Carl Jung.
Yeah, man.
I couldn't see him or hear him but it felt like
he was above me and there was this moment of like i was saying to him thank you so much for the work
that you've done for humanity and i'm going to do my best to carry it on i know you see me and i see
you thank you and it's just a beautiful moment and um in hindsight it felt like i was both simultaneously
like cleaning all the neuronal connections in my mind of of all these relationships just completely
cleaning the court of like my relationship to you is to show you that we can heal together period um but it also felt like if the universe is one interconnected energy
energetic field that was like stringing a cord that was sending a ripple into their life of
like we will introduce into your life a synchronicity that will help you come to
healing like that's what it felt like and what's crazy, is the very last thing I saw that night was on it as an entity.
And it was this huge four-legged beast, like a hundred feet tall. And it felt like Aubrey's son.
It felt powerful and it felt good, but on his left shoulder was like a factory.
And coming out of the factory was smoke and fire and felt like that part of it was sick.
And I was trying to send light to
it and then the facilitators clapped their hands and said okay beautiful people the ceremony is
closed and i instantly came out of the vision before the light got to on it and i'm just in
the room still supremely in the medicine but no longer having visions. And the maloca was dark.
I could tell, like, it took me like half an hour to just like sit up.
And like everyone was gone, except for the person that laid next to me and her partner.
And I was like, you know, I want to get up and walk outside.
But I was like, I was having opened eye energetic visuals with everything so i tried
to smoke a mapacho to like ground me and the mapacho looked like a fucking volcano like in
the pitch dark and it's just this like breathing volcano and i smoked it and then i walked out
and so tara's on this little island you know that's like a 90-minute ferry ride from the
closest like city and so there's like no light going on there and when i walked out of the
maloka and i looked up at the stars i had never seen the sky like that in my entire life like
it felt like the sky was a blanket embedded with shimmering diamonds like just more visceral and bright than I've ever seen in my
entire life. And I was just in awe. And there's like a local gathering spot for everyone who
drinks called the Star Deck where people will go and just hang out. And I walked up there
and without shame for sounding prideful, I felt like for the first time in my life,
I was in Christ consciousness.
I barely had an understanding of what my ego was,
and I just sat with people while they talked,
and the only thing I would do is either listen or laugh.
There was nothing coming out of me trying to be anything,
and what was weird is i feel like i could see
energetically what normally feels like your intuition like i could it's hard to explain
but it feels like i could see if i needed to see what was coming up in someone's energy i would
see a symbol like on their face or around their head or something.
And it felt like I saw everyone's ego.
I saw all the things that ego does to either feel okay or to feel safe or to get worthiness or whatever.
And I just sat there and I laughed and I was completely in the medicine until 5.30 AM.
And then it's like, I told myself, okay, I'm going to bed.
And some part of me knew that like that
christ consciousness wouldn't be there tomorrow but that the memory of it would always be with me
i go to bed wake up that next day is integration day we share um
and in hindsight and i'll talk about it it more after I tell the story of the next two nights, but that night, my conception of what the world is, is completely changed.
It will never be the same. The boy that I was back then was like, oh, that's so sweet. You thought you got it. And I still don't get it now, but there's a new layer of understanding that I didn't have before. So that was night two.
Night three, my intention was, what is the most healing story that I can share with Western
culture? Again, big dramatic questions. That's how I do it. We go in there that night, I drink a full
cup and I'm laying on the bed. And just like night two, I felt ayahuasca there and i asked her what is the most healing
story that i can share with western culture and almost annoyed she was like it's the hero's
journey you already know that next i was like fuck i thought this whole night would be you
teaching me the story but the feeling was like you know what it is it's a part of your work
outside of this to find out what that actually means, but you already know.
So what's next? And it's weird. I don't remember specifically what I asked to make this happen,
but it felt like the thing that she showed me that night was what it's like to be in the Dow.
And so what that felt like is pretty early on on in that third night i got the download of
you're not gonna vomit this entire time if you stay in the dao and there was this feeling of like
i was sitting and it felt like i got to the very center of my being almost if you imagine your body
as like a spectrum to left to right. And in the very
middle, there's this small sliver of stillness that if you can occupy that space, you're
invincible, basically, spiritually, energetically invincible. And really what that means is there's
nothing to get caught in you. Energy is just going to move through you and what i experienced that night is as i stayed
in that like small sliver in the middle it felt like i stopped breathing and i was just sitting
there just the most still i've ever been in my entire fucking life and when a thought would come
up or a fear or if something happened in the room so night three, it was so different than night two.
I was completely in the room. I was so energetically connected to everybody in the room
that anything that happened, it felt like it was moving through me in the room.
And when someone would start to vomit or to cry or to yell in pain or fear or whatever. It's like I could feel in my energetic
sphere, like this like dark energy coming in and I would feel in my stomach that you're about to
throw up. But it felt like it was an invitation to a game of like, if you can stay in this center
place, I felt my body, like it viscerally felt like my body ate the energy and it went into my
extremities. Like I absorbed it like it was nutrients. And a part of me was like, oh, this
is the game tonight. It's to basically like be this tuning fork, what later felt like a tree
for the entire room. And at one point I started to feel guilt about being
able to like be in this place while people around me were having a really hard time.
And I felt ayahuasca say to me, it's okay that you just get it. And then I felt my eyes starting
to water. And then she said it again. And she said, it's okay that you just get it. And I started crying. And then she said, you just get it.
And I didn't realize this until the sharing circle,
the two days after that.
But my entire fucking life since I have memory
is I have felt guilty.
I felt guilty for how much grace and luck and just goodwill it seems that I've been given, especially compared to the people my blessings, basically. And I've been carrying this fucking backpack of guilt
my entire fucking life.
And it took ayahuasca saying a sentence three times.
And it feels like I have put the backpack down.
Now I gotta go see my family for Christmas, so we'll see.
But truly-
True test.
Yeah.
But truly it feels like it's put down.
Like it's okay that my life is what it is.
There was this feeling that like ayahuasca felt like God.
And it felt like God was like, I see you.
This is, it's okay that you have this
because I know what you're going to do with it.
You know, was this kind of this feeling
in what she was saying.
And then what happened after that moment is the person directly to my right,
a male, basically proceeded to have like the hardest experience in the maloca that night.
And he just was weeping for like two hours, just like a despondent, like
for like two hours, like right next to me.
And his energy reminded me so deeply
of my actual half-brother.
And it felt like you, it felt like ayahuasca said,
I've shown you this gift, now use it.
And it felt like for the rest of that night my goal my task was to be like a tree for this man and like my roots were helping him digest
and my limbs were helping protect and it felt like i was healing the bond between me and my brother.
And at one point, after he cried for like 45 minutes,
he laid down and he started to like hyperventilate,
like he had cried so much that he almost had like no energy.
And it felt like ayahuasca brought my right shoulder up
because he was to my right and and bring my right rib cage out.
And it felt like I gave him my lung.
And I just sat there,
almost like watching what my body was doing.
And it was like, I couldn't react
because I had to stay in the Tao.
And so I was just witnessing like, this is what this is.
And the two shamans extended the ceremony for almost an hour,
singing directly just to him.
And it felt like I was his guardian and his brother.
And the night ended.
And I felt like I carried that feeling of being in the Tao the rest of the night.
Like my ego was back.
It wasn't the Christ consciousness that felt like from night two i for sure had an ego but there was this choice
of like will you stay in the dow and again i was up to like 4 a.m and then i chose like okay i'm
going to bed and what's funny is each night when i chose i'm going to bed that's when i had a huge
purge through my ass like just would go and I would shit. And it would be like, it was so weird, but it felt like, um, I was like, okay, you're
done now go. So that was night three. Um, night four, my intention was help bring forward my power
for my highest good and the highest good for all my brothers and sisters.
And I drank a full cup and proceeded to have
what I truly believe is the most important night of my life.
So I went and I laid down.
And before I knew it, I was in this hellscape.
Like it felt like I forgot I was in the room.
I forgot I was a person.
I was in this, what felt like an infinite sea of like black and orange and red and brown
like energy.
And it just felt like total despair, confusion, fear, and disorientation.
And like, I didn't even have enough of a mind to like fear it.
It's just, it was hell.
And then I feel a tapping on my shoulder and it's the male facilitator asking me to sit up because the shaman's coming to sing to me. And to remind people, like, this is the beginning of the ceremony. Like when he starts to sing to me and I was like, oh my God, this is going to be a fucking night. Like I asked to be shown my power, fuck.
So I go and I sit up and I go to the very edge of the mat
and I'm looking at the shaman
and he's like a foot away from me
and he starts singing
and I instantly get the download.
Your initiation for the night
is to sit up the entire night
to look directly forward
where the shaman's head is at the moment but like
that spot in your field of vision you are to not look away you are not to lay down go to the
bathroom purge or anything use the lessons that you got from the previous nights sit here and if
you do it you'll get your power like that was the feeling it't said, but it was an instant knowing. And to give you an idea of how hard that would be for me, I went to a durability cert for Onnit and I sat on the mat for two hours and I tweaked my back so badly, I left the durability certification to go home and take a bath like that was the state like i have this story about
the health of my back and being able to sit on the floor straight up is something that i just think i
can't do so um i get that download i'm like fuck this is gonna be like a five hour thing
and the shaman starts singing and instantly oh to give some, on night three, I did ask the question after she told me
that the most healing story was the hero's journey. Is there something about the hero's
journey that I don't know that I should know? And she said something along the lines of,
yes, the confrontation with the dragon is not one through fighting. It's one through surrender.
I was like, okay, interesting. I'll write that write that down night four i'm looking at the shaman he starts singing and he the best way
i can describe it is he turns into a dragon like his energy feels like he was channeling a dragon
and i'm staring at him right in his third eye and it felt like i saw an infinite tunnel of shamans behind
him like through all the lineage yeah and they were all a dragon and his his song was fire
and it felt like my body was melting off of my bones but i was not looking away like i was looking him directly into his fucking forehead
through all the shamans behind him as this fire felt like it was just destroying me and there was
this part of me that was like i'm dying and then there was this part of me of i can't die
like both of those things were happening at the same time. And there's the story of the Buddha when he goes to the bow tree and sit down and begins to basically be taught enlightenment. has this huge demon God who has 10,000 soldiers around him
and tries to hurl basically like fear and delusion
and distraction at him.
And everything that comes at him, he turns into flowers.
They just turn into flowers.
And then after that, he brings his 10,000 daughters
and they try to throw lust and desire and greed at him.
And his response is to touch the earth with his two fingers to
to show the earth that he is worthy of being at that spot and the entire earth like emanates
out a vibration that sends away the demon in all of his armies it kind of felt like that
for the next five hours it felt like um every lustful idea that i've um had every prideful
dream that i've played with every neuroticism and fear that i have it's like i was like will
this distract you will this distract you will this distract you and there was one moment um that whole night i i fell out of the
dow once and it felt like i was allowing myself to fantasize about the women that would want to
fuck me when they felt this power and yep yep he's so welcome i'm gonna suck his dick right now
instantly a woman like three beds down from me vomited and i got the instant download of she
just purged your energy you brought this energy into this space and she had to purge for you
like that was the instant like very clear like that was the one stern moment it felt like i had
with aya and i felt shame right away but then i very quickly realized shame would cause someone else to have to purge that for me. I have to get this knowing of like this has been done
before you have done this already it is done like you still have to do the other half but it's going
to happen and when i got that download um my ego is uncomfortable admitting this but it felt like
like i had awoken and it felt like an energetic shockwave was sent through the energetic world.
And I felt like I had this knowing of everyone I'm ever going to need to meet to fulfill my destiny,
their energetic body just got a ding. And it felt like I was in the center of the universe and that
my life had been born and that like
i felt so much power and then i felt my ego be like this has got to be the ego like
it was like my ego was trying to step in and say this can't be real and then i had probably
the coolest probably the most helpful moment of any of the nights where it felt like moonlight was starting
to come in through the roof of the maloca and todd the male the male facilitator that i had
the bond with it felt like don howard's spirit came into his body and they both like said to me
everyone has the potential for this moment that you're going through.
Most people will not seize it in this lifetime.
So you are not special, but you are responsible now.
Check yourself.
And so it was this feeling.
It really felt like Aya was basically telling me, it is your ego that wants to tell you
the story that this is your ego.
So you don't have to take the responsibility that comes
with this. It's not, but this comes with responsibility. And then there was this really,
I can't even describe what it felt like, but it felt like shortly after that,
Lucifer walked into the, into the Maloka and he looked like a tall graceful elegant black figure and the vibe was
he was coming to look around being like who just woke up in here like that was the vibe
and he kind of looked around and like i had to look at that fixed spot and so i saw him in my
peripheral and then he left and then by the time it was almost over
and I knew I had done it I just had to do like one more song and it was fucking here
I witnessed my mind starting to do a thing where it was like with this power you don't need a
maloca you don't need ritual you don't need to follow any rules. And then I was like, oh, this is Lucifer.
And there was this knowing of essentially what it felt like the last night gave me was
an unwavering self-belief in my destiny.
And it feels like that opened up a new layer of my shadow, which is what Lucifer represents,
which is this idea of when you have that, you now have the potential for pure,
egoic arrogance and delusion.
And now the archetype of Lucifer is with me now.
Like he is the ultimate arrogance.
He thinks that he can do what is for his good
and be in disharmony with the rules of nature.
And I had this moment when I felt that
where I was like, I told Ayahuasca,
like, I will not succumb to this. I will be a king of the natural order. And kind of the download that
I got from her was, all right, then come back in a year. Like use what I just gave you and you have
to come back in a year. And there's this really amazing story about Mesopotamian kings that I fucking love.
And it's that every new year, the king has, he's ceremoniously marched out into the town square and he has to take off all of his kingly regalia and he has to confess to the populace all the
things he did that year that were not kingly. and they will shame him for each of those things
and they might beat him too and they might kill him if if he was truly out of alignment with
representing the god energy but if he passes he gets to put back on his robes and he gets to be
a king again for a year and that's what it felt like it felt like i was like i was really nice
to you this week but it's because you did the work
to earn this you have to come back in a year and we'll see if i treat you the same way and that was
kind of the download and that night felt like the initiation ritual that has been waiting for me
that some part of me has known that I've gone my whole life preparing for,
and that I faced it, and that I passed. And my truth is I now feel like a man. My self-conception for the last 28 years is that I've been a boy who can pretend to be a man.
And now it truly feels like I'm a man who has an inner boy that he needs to take care of
but it feels like i've been transformed it felt like i was witnessed by a deity and put through
a task and i passed the task but now the real game starts like now the real like game starts
and i have to come check in every year
is what it feels like the current download is.
And the takeaway after I did all this journaling,
cause I wrote all this out like three or four times to myself,
the big takeaway is my task for the next year
is to be the Mufasa to my Simba.
Like I have been shown what this king energy feels like.
And now I have to use it to raise the little boy inside of me and it's kind of a big thing to kind of
introduce but I think it'll be really helpful for people who are interested in
integration there is a psychological concept called internal family systems
and it's this idea that you have a bunch of characters inside of you. And most of the characters inside of you have unconsciously evolved to protect a
wounded boy or a wounded girl, depending on your gender. And those characters are the reason your
life is what it is. And if you want to change your life, you have to become aware of the characters,
what each of their coping patterns are, and what the nature of your wounded child is. And for example, I feel like I have to work
all the time. That's one of my characters trying to keep my inner child from feeling guilt.
All of us have our addictions to whatever they are, and all of those are characters inside of
us that are trying to make that little boy or girl not feel the pain that they felt when they
were a child. And the way that I view it is it's a kingdom inside of me. And I have a bunch of
characters. And my big download is like, the king has come. He's young. He doesn't know how to be a king, but he's here now. He has to
raise all these people. He has to rule fairly. And now every day when I journal, I'm basically
telling myself this myth of what the kingdom looks like, what's going out in the courtyard,
what needs to be done that day, what parts of the kingdom, like what people feel like they've been transgressed against and do I have to talk to them or help them reconcile? And it's completely
changed the way that I see myself and my task for the year is to Mufasa my Simba. And that basically
feels like the main takeaway from these four experiences. Fuck yeah, brother. That's so beautiful. Yeah, man.
Yeah. It's just as a, man, there's so much I want to talk about. There's,
there are so many parallels, you know, like if you go to arrowhead.org and we'll link to that
in the show notes for people, if they haven't checked it out before, I know I've mentioned
a couple of times in the past, but just briefly, it's a drug database that has every single drug from methamphetamine to
all different types of pressed ecstasy tabs. And they tell you what the constituents are,
the chemical nature, that kind of stuff. And then they have trip reports.
And if you read the ayahuasca trip reports, there's a lot of commonalities.
And it's not something everyone gets in their first experience or first experiences you know
your first trip to the amazon or to costa rica um but you got many of them right like you saw
uh in hinduism what they call indra's web of jewels yeah right the interconnectedness of all
things to know that everything is connected there is no separation what's crazy is i don't think i articulated it that well but that is the overarching image i saw was this net wow
yeah right and everything is conscious everything's alive everything is soul
um that's a big one right you can i mean selig puts it as selig's guides put it as all is of
nothing is right it's all god or nothing is animism right
many native cultures believe in animus that everything is animated everything is alive
everything is consciousness to a certain degree and um that's a fucking massive download and then
the death right as you're being burned while you look through this you know i think aubrey talked
about uh getting on a giant cobra's back and
flying through a jungle uh as the cobra race this massive cobra and then all the insectoids came out
and just lit him up and ate away his body his flesh his muscles his bones until he was no more
but he was still there riding on the back of the cobra that vision can come gently or it can come
like fucking fire.
Yeah, man. But to realize that, that you're not your body,
that some part of you,
your conscious being is alive now and will always remain alive long after your
body is transformed into something else. Even in this plane,
the world of 10,000 things, nothing dies. It just changes. Transforms. Yeah.
The energy always moves moves the energy does not
go anywhere it just becomes something else right another fucking huge huge breakthrough download
you know but like even talking about it now like if you haven't experienced those things
the direct firsthand experience of it that's what the beauty of that medicine can be truly right and it doesn't mean that you get it on
you know all in your first week like you did i have friends that i've taken you know to the altar
who who felt ready of course and didn't experience any of that you know for for many for myself
personally um i had the death download pretty quickly in my first like three ceremonies.
But the interconnectedness is something that will continue to come up for me.
For sure.
You know, and it had been, I think, two years since I went to Sultara,
two years since drinking the medicine, over two years. And I went to Sultara. That was the very
first download I got was everything is connected. And you even get to witness that on a physical level,
right? So night three, when you lend your lung to the man next to you and you become the tree,
right? You're the grounding cord for the entire room. I've experienced similar things like that,
where at times I'll get my downloads and at other times it's like, hey, you're going to hold space
right now. Right, exactly. And that's the medicine of ayahuasca is also the medicine of the group amen it felt very communal it's not my ceremony
it's our ceremony and there's been plenty of times where egoically i'm like fuck man this
guy's wailing next to me i'm not gonna have any visions with him losing his fucking mind i'm not
gonna go deep and if i can surrender to that and just be there for
him yep not only does that help calm and shift his energy or her energy and allow them to move
through it but it allows me to to gain something from that experience right like if we're that's
something that gets talked about a lot uh from dispensa and lipton is you know when they go back
to people like dar Darwin and they talk about
it really is cooperation that gets us to move forward together. It's not competition,
right? And so if I can think outside of myself as one, we are one, I am connected to all things,
I am all things, right? Then that shifts the perspective of me me me i want this i'm gonna work on this too
anything i'm working on will happen if i know that you know i can i can set the intention
of my intentions and i can surrender to how and when yeah right it's a huge download from dispensa
set your intention on what you want to call into your life and surrender the how and when. And so when that stuff comes up in the ceremony, it's really important to know,
hey, I'll get to me, but if I can be here for everyone and celebrate our ceremony,
then I can not only will I get the things that I came here for, but I can help others do that too.
Truly.
So that was fucking just beyond beautiful brother yeah i the person i was before i started would say he feels guilty for how good the experience was but
that's gone and um i truly believe that the work that i've done with young and with dreams and with
mythology gave me the framework to understand what was happening. And it felt like if you have
the framework, the energy can move to higher levels or deeper levels more quickly. And I truly
think that the reason the rest of the week unfolded the way it did is because I was able to
surrender to that God experience. It really felt like I've been stuck there for 22 years, just
fucking stuck at that gate.
And it feels like once I passed through that gate,
the thing that allowed me to pass through that gate
was just complete surrender to what is.
Because on some level,
everything that came after that God experience
was such a relief that I was happy to surrender to it.
Like the God experience was so hard
in words I cannot describe,
that to pass through that, it was like oh i just i'm surrendering
okay and that's one of those key ingredients to anything in life right like you learn stuff in
the medicine that extends into literally everything everywhere in your waking consciousness
right but the the sooner you get to that place then it becomes it's almost like habit forming
because you realize
the medicine in surrender, right? You're like, oh, I fucking feel this. I feel it deeply. I know
it inside and I know the result of that surrender. So anytime you're faced with that again, whether
it's in the medicine or without, it's easier to just say, oh, okay, this is out of my control.
I'm just going to surrender. and when you actually do it you feel
it you feel the shift it's different than conceptually saying i give up i surrender
it's a completely different experience yeah and that truly like one of the most beautiful gifts
like i'm reading currently um hero with a thousand faces by joseph campbell which is like the bible
to the hero's myth and like i've read this book before and it's like i'm reading a different fucking book because
i'm reading about these archetypical experiences and instead of imagining what it might be based
off of reading words it's it's taking me back to my ayahuasca experience every fucking day i read
it every day it's taking me back to like oh my god i experienced that thing. And like, truly it feels like I've been initiated into a different
layer of reality that I did. Like I could only see the shadows of through dreams.
And like a part of me is like, I love ayahuasca. I want to go back. I want to go back. I want to
go back. But it really feels like I had to spend a year in this world and do the work and go back.
And it might not be nice yeah well that's
the download you got right yeah that's something that i that i'll often bring up the oracle in the
matrix tells tells neo he's not the one yeah and he goes back to morpheus ready to tell morpheus
and morpheus says i don't want to hear it whatever the oracle told you is for you and you alone
right and obviously we're sharing our medicine here what we've learned and gleaned in our personal experience and there are parts that
i know not to share that i want yeah and i did exactly that's a great point that the facilitators
bring up you know there's some of it's just for you just for you like there was there was a very
clear moment on the last night where it was like this is not to be told this is to be embodied
and let other people say it you know and you just keep that
to you yeah you know i think with that the oracle download you know to know that whatever you're
shown whether it's your protocol of when you'll come back how long you have to spend that can
change over time amen right and there's been times where I've been called to the medicine egoically more often than I should have.
And then, or there's no shooting.
Stop shooting on yourself.
Ted Decker quote.
Yeah.
But to be drawn there truly versus intellectually
is a different thing, right?
And I feel like the more I've come to the different tools
that help me tune into that frequency of knowing
and the intuition. Right. Allows me to participate in the medicine and gain much more. And I've been
in a space recently where not with ayahuasca, but with other medicines, the dispenser meditation
with ketamine, the DMT vape pen to Don Alberto from Blue Morph morphos uh icaros just fucking download after download and to be
able to put those into practice and use them that's the space that i'm in right now and there
will come a time where it is more just putting it into work yeah and embodiment but it's beautiful
you're listening you're doing the work you're reading you're getting all the downloads in
various ways and the second i saw
you here in the office like it was very clear like the shift you had a fucking glow and you're laughing
you're like and it feels like i'm still in the medicine and i was like you are dude you are and
that's one of the beautiful things about that medicine is that you talked about being on the
plane and watching lion king another common thread people have is when you sign up and that date's there
and you fucking paid your way and you know you're going the medicine starts working immediately
amen and you did your you met halfway by starting dieta early so to get those downloads all the way
before the cups your first cups and long after your last cup was had, right?
That's still working inside you.
And I think that's one of the most beautiful things
about that medicine in particular.
It's in such a different league
than everything else I've ever done.
Like it's just, and I do recognize
that I will be able to get to that league
now that those doors have been open
with stuff like psilocybin.
But the viscerality of the intelligent entity that is with you in that
medicine is so denser than any other psychedelic i've ever done like it's so prominent and clear
that there is this loving God alongside you,
just waiting for you to be brave.
Like, take a step.
I'm right here.
I can't take a step for you,
and I'll make you vomit if you don't take the step.
But take the step.
And it's right there.
And sometimes you just got to vomit for someone else.
Sometimes you got to vomit
because you got something stuck in you
that needs to come out.
Amen.
So many purges as well, even outside outside of vomiting i yawned a lot like it felt like my face was cramping from how much i was yawning yeah yeah all then just fucking absolutely
beautiful from top to bottom i love you one of my favorite people on this planet i love you too
brother likewise truly like your example by being has
been a huge teacher for me since i've started working here and i don't think that experience
would have gone that well if it weren't for people like you in my life thank you brother
all right my man that wraps it yeah the myth does that make us yes on everywhere that podcasts are
found and of course we'll link to your ig and all that good stuff in the show notes. So you can just one click it, follow my boy. Absolutely. Love you guys. Thank
you. Thank you guys for listening to the show with my dude, Eric Godsey. Be sure you check out
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