LadyGang - Breakup Bootcamp with Amy Chan

Episode Date: February 9, 2021

The Founder and author of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, is here for a very special Galentine’s Day episode to help you forget about your ex and focus on your gals. By providing a breakup timeline, teaching you how to cope with your emotions and how to redirect your energy and time, you’ll be left thinking, “what ex…?” Check out our amazing sponsors!!! Ro Collective: Get 15% off your order using code LADY at the therocollective.com  Expand your mind and change your life with The Jordan Harbinger Show - available on PodcastOne - Spotify - Apple Podcasts - or wherever you listen to podcasts! Caldrea: Get 20% off with code LadyGang20 when you buy online at Caldrea.com  Daily Harvest: Go to DailyHarvest.com and enter code "lady" to get $25 off your first box! Ritual: Get 10% off during your first 3 months at Ritual.com/ladygang to start your Ritual today! Stamps: Go to Stamps.com - click on the Microphone at the TOP of the homepage - and use code LADYGANG to get a special offer that includes a 4-week trial PLUS free postage and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Talkspace: Get $100 off of your first month when you use code LADY at Talkspace.com - or downloa d the app!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Today's episode of Lady Gang is brought to you by Daily Harvest. Go to dailyharvest.com and enter promo code LADY to get $25 off your first box of amazing meals shipped right to your door. That's promo code LADY for $25 off your first box at dailyharvest.com. That's dailyharvest.com, promo code LADY. Well, what is this? Welcome to the Lady Gang. That's amazing.

Say that again. The Lady Gang. Things are about to change around here. Each week, we catch up with Hollywood's hottest girl posse, Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jack Vanek. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the Lady Gang. I am Becca Tobin here with Jack Vanek and Kelty Knight. Happy Galentine's Day, almost. Galentine's. Galentine's. Galentine's. Wow, guys.

Nobody needs Valentine's Day. Nobody needs it. It's stupid. it valentine's day weeks makes way more sense to me totes well that here okay so many okay so many thoughts that was like you were like beatboxing there there is a big it's a really triggering moment for me every time valentine's day comes around because if you were a loser growing up and you never got like the candy grams at school like i had a boyfriend or the carnation ninth grade or whatever. And like, I remember he got me pink roses and then he was like stalking me. Like there's just like a lot of information about, um, Valentine's day that can be problematic

when I think about love. So I like to just avoid it by doing Galentine's day or buying myself something nice or going on Valentine's day night to a CVS or a Walgreens and picking up a lot of valentine's day candy at 50 off that's how i feel about that do you like those uh little the hearts the little valentine's day like cream egg situation delicious i'm talking about the hearts those little sugar hearts that say oh no no like you're cute like touch my butt and stuff yeah sick touch my butt do they not say touch your butt i'm sure stick a finger in my butt whatever that's great all right well uh now it's time for good week yes it is bad week oh no it's good week

bad week galentine's edition i'm trying to find something that i want to tell you so you guys go first i know what are you scrolling i'll just go okay go my my good week is a word for the dictionary i hope that i haven't mentioned this word before um you probably have it is pre-panty and it's any time to refer to our lives before the pandemic so pre-panty oh i like it pre-panty and then there'll be a post-panty and then we're in panty right now i guess but it's a cute little way. I'm just referring to the good times. I thought it was going to have something to do with panties. I thought it was panties or paninis. That's where you took me to a sandwich. And then I started wanting a panini. And then I was like, wait, maybe I should ask for a panini maker for

Valentine's day. That's a great gift. A gift I would use. Isn't it crazy how fast your mind goes places. I'm like, I want a panini. And then I instantly went to waffle maker. Cause those are both on my list. I would love a waffle maker, except I just think like I have so many things in my kitchen why do i need a waffle maker i'm gonna use it once every six months but then it's like when you want a waffle you want a waffle you know this all happened in your mind and then i thought about the star wars waffle maker that'll make it in the shape of the star wars thing that you can get on amazon like it just keeps going i need to get jared one of those no pre-panty is just anything before the year 2020 i don't like this sounds like panties i think it should be

pre-rona and post-rona okay that works too panty sounds like a pair of underwear that you're gonna or you put on the real underwear you know what you know I do sometimes before I go to work I put on well because sometimes I just want a really fresh fresh pair of underwear on when I'm at work for 12 hours so why don't you just change your underwear that's what I'm saying is that I'll go to work in my pre-panty and then I'll get to work and put on my panty sorry I thought that You put on your pre-panty and then you put on your regular panty. Like layered up. Like you were doing that quick change thing at the next game at halftime.

No. Okay, well, now we have two words for the dictionary, pre-panty and then pre-rona. So you decide which one you want to use. And pre-panty is one of those things that has two definitions. It's like pre-pandemic or the first pair of underwear you wear in a day. I love this for our new dictionary because we have to make the dictionary more robust. we need multiple definitions so this is great yes but the pre-panty comes into play again when i think about when you're young in your 20s and you're getting frisky with a guy and you know

that you're gonna have like sexy time in a let me switch to a fresh so yeah if you go on a full six-hour date of dancing and eating and drinking and whatever that's a pre-panty and then maybe you get home and you put on the nice lace beautiful lingerie what is that going to be called though it needs to be just just panty it's the main event the panty it's just the panty well actually i want to take them all that show panty that's a show panty like not a show pony but a show panty but then there is also the post panty because after you have sex you don't want to put back on your gross underwear you need a cotton granny panty to soak up the yeast infection yeah Yeah. So you need your post nice, clean panty. So I love panty, a show panty and a post panty.

Amazing. Also Kelty, that was a disgusting visual to soak up the yeast infection. I'm sorry, listeners, but you knew exactly what I meant. It was just because you said exactly what you meant. I know what you could picture. There was no mystery. Oh yeah. I know what she's talking about. You know, it's okay. Do you have a bad week, Jack? Yeah. My bad week is, um, I was what this turned into. I was on my junk email that all of my purchases go to. Cause I was trying to make a return and an email came in from the Apple store and it was like your subscription, um, cost for Tinder plus is due next week. I have been paying for Tinder plus for three years after i deleted it and it's 20 bucks a month 20 going into tinder plus oh jack you know that you

have to go to your subscriptions on your apps like once a month and make sure you're not overpaying for anything i never knew that this is a sexy mature lifestyle choice you can't be paying 20 dollars that's hundreds of dollars over the years sexy mature women they eat their vegetables they show their knees they wear a show panty once a month and they check their subscriptions to make sure they're not overpaying for i was just i was assuming that once i deleted the app that it would obviously it's not on my phone why would i be paying for it so it's a good sexy mature learning lesson otherwise go check your subscriptions it's that was insane i've been paying for tinder plus i didn't even get to use it well jared you're editing this right now no one's safe she's still

looking. I did learn another thing that when you delete your Tinder, it doesn't mean that your profile goes the way. So I'm, I'm probably still floating around out there. What have you matched with somebody amazing? Just kidding. You did in real life. I'll go. So Kelsey was on Percocets for the better half of January and she really was I'm back now we love Kelty so much I'm sure it was a real nice vacation did they tell you that you should be taking that many Percocets or is that your own choice because I feel like usually doctors like whenever I got prescribed Ambien they prescribed me the very minimal amount because it's addicting and so is a Percocet yeah I mean they gave me what they gave me so I took what they gave me okay sorry well I wasn't buying

on the black market if that's what you're asking well this is why we're in the situation that we're in with so many people being hooked on opioids because i completely understand it and i would love to be hooked i think you might call you wouldn't love to be hooked but you understand i understand why people do of course amazing right yeah um if i hit another rocky point in my life see you never i just know it there is not a calm tea that can take me to the same place as a double Oh my God. Okay. I'm just letting you know. Okay. I hate you. A calm tea. Okay. Um, so anyways, Kelty's on Percocets and Zach and I have been, uh, you know, planning investment planning and just financial planning because it seems like the right time to really kick it into high gear.

Uh, so I just, cause I'm sexy mature. I texted Kelty and I said, Hey, with your retirement stuff, Do you do it this way or this way? I asked a simple question, a basic whatever. And then she sends me like 75 screenshots of her investments and her retirement. So I have literally every piece of information about Kelty's retirement. And I got to say, you're going to be my kid's godmother because when you go, there is so much money to be had. Damn. Sexy mature. Look at those retirements, Kelty. She has so much money in retirement. You guys, it's insane that she's even on this podcast right now. Oh my God. Well, thank you. I feel so sexy mature, but also I thought what you meant was

like, like you wanted to invest and you want to know what funds I was invested in. No, that's you on perk set. And I would never be so nosy. Well, no, I would ask you which funds, but I wouldn't ask how much money you have. Oh, I didn't, I wasn't trying to show you how much money I was trying to show you the funds but I think on the left is the fund and on the right is the money yeah it was helpful it was definitely helpful but I was also thinking Jesus first of all I'm so behind if this is what's what I'm supposed to be doing I don't even I don't even want it's terrifying well I will say I was very lucky because in my 20s I was a rockette and rockette in show business is one of the only jobs in show business that has a 401k and so I was like 23 when

I started my 401k. And so I maxed it out because I was an idiot. And I was like, what's so funny about me is I maxed out the 401k on a job where I was making like $35,000 a year. And so I was like really kind of struggling in my real life, like go-go dancing for a hundred dollars a night to like pay rent, but like yet had put half my salary in the 401k. I guess on the ass end of it, it has paid off because over 20 years it has substantially like grown. Yeah. It was an interesting thing to see because it's also it's not like you've been working in a super lucrative job for a decade you well I guess it's been about 10 years but what you have saved is somebody who's 65 and has had an amazing job their entire career and I was talking to Zach about it and he's like well she has the

entertainment tonight that's great money and I was like but it's not as I mean it's great money but it's not as like crazy I'm not like I'm right but I go she's been saving since she was making peanuts. Yes. You're saying no money at all. And Kelty doesn't have fun like we do. So she's not wasting a bunch of money on tequila shots. You're right. Um, so anyways, that was my good week. It was really, it was so sex, sexy, mature, sexy, mature. That's incredible. Yeah. My bad week is it's kind of an embarrassing story. Uh, but I'm going to tell it because it's been long enough and here goes nothing. I was on set on my birthday. I hate my birthday so much. So, so much as you know, I'm at work. Things are getting tense because I'm the last person up.

It's a long day. And anytime you're shooting a scene at the end of the day, everybody is just rushing. They just want to go home. They don't want to hit past their 12 hour mark. So I'm there by myself. Like I told you on the podcast, I had a phone call. I had to record, not record, but shoot. And they're running around like crazy and it's hectic and I'm stressed out. And this makeup artist who isn't one of the everyday makeup artists she's filling in and she comes in every once in a while, she says to me, oh my gosh, I just heard that we're losing you so soon on the show. And I was like, we're an episode, blah, blah, blah. I'm not going to give the swear to any spoilers, but I'm only halfway through my contract essentially. So I'm

thinking maybe, and hair and makeup people are always the first people. They know before anybody knows what's going on. So I sent an email to my agent because there were other things that I was thinking about just with the script where it could have been that way. I could have gone away and that could have been the end of the story. So I said, Hey, just want to check in and make sure since we're at the halfway point, the projected episodes that I was supposed to be doing, just check in and be like, is she still supposed to be shooting through April? Because I got a lease. I've got flights. I've got a life. You need to know what's going on. I need to know what's going on. And I also need to know if I get prematurely fired from a job

because that is super humbling. So I do the email. 10 minutes later, I get a call from a number I don't know. And then a text from literally the boss, the biggest boss. He's so amazingly nice and lovely. So he texts me and he says, hey, I heard you thought we were shipping you off to Narnia in episode blah, blah, blah. We are certainly not. Oh my God. And I said, it's only because I was sitting on set and someone looked at me and literally as if it was my last episode and said, we're losing you so soon. And I just felt like it would be stupid of me not to find out and investigate a little bit.

And he's like, no, no, no, this is what's going on and blah, blah, blah, blah. And he writes me the nicest, nicest text message, like series of text messages about, you know, what's happening with my character. And I just felt like such an idiot because I don't need, I'm not the actress who needs the validation.

I mean, I'd need it, but I'm never going to ask for it. But you also want to know if you're sucking so hard that they're killing you off. Yeah. I mean, that was all, all roads were leading to that answer. And I just needed to confirm that that was not the case. And he had just sent me a lovely email the week before that they had finished another episode and that I was doing so great. And so I was like, well, maybe he sent that because he knew the end was near.

So I hate being that person. And I hate requiring more energy or attention than anybody else. Certainly is this role, this tiny little role on the show. But that happened and I was mortified. Yeah, that's a pretty bad week. Thank you. Lessons in show, but just another chapter for the new book. Yep.

Just kidding. Okay, is it my turn? Yeah. Oh, I can't wait to tell this story because Chris is just here in the kitchen making lunch so he can hear it. Um, so as you know, I've been having some trouble with the diva cups, um, not a menstrual cups, because I have that big vagina and it gets lost up there and I had to plier it out. And like, it's like a whole thing. I don't want my knees, like trying to get this thing out. So I did the

thing and I ordered the flex one that you said that has the little hole for your finger to pull it down. I'm not sure if flex is sponsoring the podcast right now. I know they're coming. So I'm gonna just say the brand i got it was flex so flex has like it's like a little hoop on it and you can stick your finger on the hoop and then when you pull down the hoop it pulls the side just like disengaging the suction and then it comes out like much easier it's all in one it's all in one motion yeah it's all in one motion and it's so smart it's so great very comfortable amazing but i went into my first pullout with Flex new finger hold, the same gusto, the same vigor that I had been putting into getting the old school menstrual cup out. And it pulled out so easily that I did not have

time to contain the cup and then dump it in the toilet in a normal way. I pulled it out and it was like baby you're fine oh my god kelsey walls the floor my hands my inner thighs the whole little thing was completely covered in menstrual blood to the point where i had to open we have like the bathroom is a separate door sorry chris you know what bathroom this is now you can picture it you have to i'd open the door hope that chris didn't walk in again because remember the time i told the story that i think he walked in when i was on all fours trying to get the first one out anyway no we've never talked about that anyway so um so anyway i so i um so i had to walk out of the bathroom looking like a murderer with all this blood all over me wash my hands as a first

step wash my body and then go back into the murder scene it was so many times kelty when will you learn didn't you ruin the office rug oh no it was because i was sitting i was sitting in my chair that had the faux fur on it and that the, the menstrual cup overflowed. And so I had like a whole period on that. Like, I just have a very juicy period. I don't know. But like, how are you spilling everywhere? I mean, I have the heaviest period in the world and I haven't had these accidents like you do Kelsey. It was just like, I thought it was going to like, you were going to need to tug and you did not. It is. I mean, I guess that's a testament to how easy the flex cup is. Yeah. I mean, it's a great cup. I just want to speak on behalf of women who don't bleed like

this. I use one tampon a month, maybe two. I hate you. Oh my God. I have to change my super plus tampons every 20 minutes. I think I'm probably premenopausal with the lack in which I am bleeding and clearly I have not all womanhood down there, but I only bleed like one or two days, maybe. Is that an issue? Sure. You should go to the doctor. Okay. Here's my quick bad week. Wait, no, that was my bad week. Here's my quick good week. So this week we have Amy on and I went into the Facebook group and I was trying to get the worst breakup stories or things that people wanted in breakup advice, um, from her, from our community. And so I said like, can you just put your breakup questions or whatever? And you know, sometimes the, the, the Facebook group is on fire.

So it's like these, these posts get lost. So, you know, if you put a picture, it grabs more attention. So I put this picture of our mutual ex-boyfriend and Brendan at the VMAs, like looking at each other. And I said like, pick up Jack and I's mutual ex for attention. And it's a, it's a gif a gif or whatever a gif a gif and and then a woman named genus says i think it's alicia alicia i think your name's backwards but anyway she said i legit i legit thought that was kate mckinnon with brendan uri oh my god you are you always get identified as celebrities it's so great no wait no it's you it was the boyfriend that they thought was kate mckinnon shut up our mutual he does kind of look like kate mckinnon i need to see this picture oh yes it's amazing anyway all right

when we come back we're gonna talk about breakups oh so sad so it is almost valentine's day and if you are a jewelry addict you love jewelry like i do you need to give your partner a little nudge and check out the row collective so the row collective is a small latina-owned fine jewelry brand creating a socially conscious community of jewelry addicts each row collective piece is meticulously handcrafted in new york city with high quality ethically sourced gold gemstones and diamonds so i got my hands on one of the row collective necklaces i got the lola necklace and emerald it's so dainty it's so beautiful and it's so chic and luxe i love it so so much so they have sleek modern fine jewelry made to last a lifetime and they're all custom made for

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caldrea.com that's c-a-l-d-r-e-a.com discover your scent now code lady gang 20 i don't know why but february is like the laziest month for me like i don't want to do anything i don't want to cook i don't want to be in the kitchen but i do want to eat healthy and you know what i'm doing it with daily harvest so daily harvest delivers delicious food built on all organic fruits and vegetables right to your door and it takes literally minutes to prepare and you never have to think if the food that you're eating is good for you and daily harvest is ready when you are everything stays fresh in your freezer until you're ready to enjoy it so you're wasting less food too and it's great for people like me who are usually on the move i mean not in the last year but you always have a

good delicious meal ready to go and daily harvest never uses preservatives added sugar or artificial anything and they just launched their first ever plant-based milk collection starting with almond milk it's delicious so get started today go to dailyharvest.com and enter promo code lady to get $25 off your first box. By the way, I just made the most delicious harvest bowl with Jared last night. We cracked an egg on it. It was so good. So that's promo code lady for $25 off your first box at dailyharvest.com. That's dailyharvest.com. Now back to the lady gang. Our guest today is the founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to Healing the Heart, something that I wish I had in 2009 when I turned to MySpace and Taylor

Swift lyrics to publicly share and shame my own worst breakup. She's also the editor-in-chief of JustMyType.co, an online magazine that focuses on the psychology behind love, lust, and desire. The Observer calls her a relationship expert whose work is like that of a scientific Carrie Bradshaw, and her company has been featured across national media, including Good Morning America, Vogue, Glamour, Nightline, and the front page of the New York Times. She's a new book, Breakup Boot Camp, the science of rewiring your heart. We have been waiting for this book our whole lives. Please welcome to the Lady Game, Amy Chan. Hello. Hi. Hi. First of all, backstory about Amy. When I landed in Vancouver and was doing my two-week quarantine, this angel face DMs me and says,

where are you staying? I'm going to drop something off to you. It's just standard what we do for our friends here. She drops off the most delicious croissants and her book. I know. And, and since I've realized they're the best croissants in all the land, little victories, is that the name of it? Small victory. And, um, and she's just the sweetest. And also this book is what the lady gang was attempting to do when we wrote a book, but this is it. Yep. Yep. You actually did it fantastically. Yes, it is so incredible. Congratulations. Thank you. So, you know, this is a weird subject to base your life's work around. And obviously you got your heart broken in a big disastrous way, which led to this. So tell us your embarrassing story.

Yeah. I mean, I was in this relationship and I thought I was living the dream. And to me, living the dream back then was date, get married and live happily forever after. And, um, you know, I put so much of my identity in him and us and our future. Then when the relationship fell apart because of infidelity, I completely fell apart. I spiraled into depression. I had panic attacks. I had thoughts of suicide, um, and, you know, crazy revenge plans in my head that thank God I never actualized, but I was in a really dark space and it took me quite a while to heal. I suffered for a long time and, you know, I would do yoga retreats and therapy and, you know, I would feel good for a moment and then I would be back facing my same demons. And when I thought

about the other people that are going through this and how helpless and hopeless you feel when you're going through it and you feel so alone, it's a really scary place to be. And you're only a few decisions away from doing something completely destructive. And so I thought I got to create a breakup bootcamp to help people. Yeah. Well, it's crazy because I always said when I was acting like a psycho that, um, that, you know, when you have your heart broken, it's so intense. It's like a pain that is just so intense and this unrequited love. Like when someone says, I love you anymore, you know, that, that, that's the kind of heartbreak I'm talking about. And, uh, or this infidelity or something like that happens. And you, you, there's only so

many avenues that you can go to heal. Like you can go to therapy and you can talk to your friends for two weeks. And then they're like, get the over it. That guy was a douchebag. We all knew it. So there's like, there's not a lot of places to go to heal yourself. And so you'd go into this destructive place. Um, or I always said, God, I wish I just had like pneumonia or something. I wish I had like a hospital stay so that everyone could come and love on me and be gentle with me and like through this because I felt like that sad, but it's just a breakup. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And it's crazy how, you know, if you break your leg, it's very standard. You'll go to the doctor, maybe you'll get a cast on it and you'll take time to let it heal. You're not

going to run a marathon afterwards, but when it comes to matters of the heart and you break your heart, there's this idea that you should just get over it. And that there's a specific period of time. And after you reach a couple of weeks or stuff, it's like, we don't want to hear about it. it happened for a reason, be strong. And it's completely BS, right? Like they've done studies on the brain. After someone goes through a separation, they saw that the same part of the brain was activated as a drug user fiending for their next fix. You're literally in withdrawal and your ex is your drug dealer. All right. So we went into our Facebook group and we got a bunch of thoughts and questions from our ladies on breakups. And so we're just like,

this is the episode that every time someone's going through a breakup, you're going to send it and you're going to say, Hey, listen to this episode with Amy and then go get the book. And like, that's what we're going to do. So give us your best advice. All right. Um, the first question was how do you find your worth, um, and gain back your confidence after a breakup? Yeah. So after a breakup, it can be really tempting to focus on, you know, what you should have done, what he could have done? How are you going to get that closure from him? And I think it's really important that we don't get stuck in blaming our ex, vilifying our ex, hoping for our ex to change or giving us closure. Because when you do that, you're actually still in a relationship with your ex and you need

to actually redirect your focus and your energy. And so think about it, like how much time and energy and headspace did you have devoted to the relationship? If you were to draw a circle and a slice of the pie was devoted to the we was that 50 70 i work with women who sometimes 90 of their life and headspace was devoted to the relationship so you need to be strategic afterwards with filling up that time and space with activities that feed your soul that make you feel empowered this is a great time to create an empowering fantasy get obsessed over writing that book um you know becoming the best dancer that you possibly can but if you don't redirect that energy, you're just going to fill up that time with thoughts about your ex. I have a question.

What are your personal thoughts about social media with an ex? Do you unfollow them? Do you block them? Do you delete your pictures? What do you think is the best route to go? Because I know that that is what pains so many people after is like the obsessing over the social media. Right. So after a breakup, you are in a state of shock. And I think it's really important to understand that the different stages of where you are in the grief cycle, it's going to require different strategies. So there's six stages of separation, shock, denial, depression, anger, bargaining. That's another time when you're in denial and you might even get back together with your ex until you get to acceptance. Healing isn't linear. You're going to jump back between

the different stages. Now, in the very beginning, when you're in shock, you actually need to do a complete detox and the reason why is you have neural pathways that have been wired together when you're with this person after a breakup even logically you know it's over your body doesn't and it's like give me that hit of dopamine give me those feel-good chemicals that's what's going to cause you to crave you know creating late night texts yes those text messages and even if you know it's going to end up poorly and you're going to get in a fight you're still getting those hit that endorphin rush and you know when you when you create your finsta and you're scrolling their social media oh my god that's just you craving dopamine so you need to find other ways that you

can get that feel good you know fix and whether it's like you know listening to this podcast episode or going out to exercise doing a state change will really help you um to kind of get you out of that rumination cycle wow i love that cold turkey babe cold turkey rip off the band-aid day because it only prolongs your feeling or not your feeling your healing because if you're going back and checking out their instagram every other day or every other hour or minute or whatever you're just you're allowing the obsession to keep building instead of trying to focus on yourself even if you are focusing on yourself at the same time it's like you're never you're still connected great point and also block their phone number not only do you not want to contact them you don't

want to be thinking about, are they contacting me? Are they not right? That takes up your head space as well. And remember, every time you look at those photos, you're strengthening the old neural pathways and you're not allowing them to prune away. I remember so many breakups of mine where I would be waiting for them to text me. And then every text that came in, I'm like, is it him? Yeah. Well, it's like, it really is like taking over your entire mind. Yeah. Block them, bitch. block them. Okay. How do you stop thinking that you'll never find someone else? Like there's that hopelessness. No one's going to love me this way. No one's going to make me feel this way. No one's going to be as good as this person. I invested so much time. Yeah. And I hear that often. It's

very common to go into a state of catastrophizing and this is a thinking trap. So human beings are privy to what's called cognitive distortions aka thinking traps and these include catastrophizing i'll never find love again uh black or white thinking this always happens to me all you know guys in new york are jerks um and this isn't true you have to get to build your muscle of being able to separate fact from fiction right when we feel an emotion the life cycle of that emotion is only 120 seconds what makes that emotion last longer for hours days months years it's a story you attach to that that emotion right no longer is it about okay we broke up and it was cheating it's now like i gave him the best years of my life you know who's gonna love me at this age

i'm supposed to have kids by now and that emotion goes from here to here to here and you feed that emotional monster right like that's when we do what's called emotional cutting when you play Coldplay fix you on repeat, when you watch love actually over and over again, you need to ask yourself, is the reaction to the behavior about to engage in, is this serving me now? Am I being kind to myself? And sometimes that check alone will make you realize you have a choice. You can either emotionally cut yourself or you can, you know, interrupt that cycle and choose a healthier decision. But how do you choose the healthier decision when you just want to listen to Coldplay? It feels so good. I know. I mean, take me through, okay. Take me through, you know,

your advice for first day, first week, first month after that. What's a breakup timeline of actually doing it. That's going to serve you. Yeah. Well, okay. So the very beginning first day, first 10 days, this is when you're going to feel all the fuels and I'm sorry to tell you, you gotta go through it. There's no fast forward. There's no way around it. And if you suppress your emotions, if you distract yourself by getting on a dating app, um, eventually it's going to catch up to you. Your pain needs, you know, oxygen to breathe. And I see this a lot. I see a difference in how men and women generally speaking, um, deal with a breakup. Men have more of a tendency to avoid and distract. That's why they'll get back on a dating app and get into

a relationship and the girl's like, oh my God, he's moved on. I meant nothing to him. He's not in pain. But what I see is eventually the pain catches up and either, you know, in their next relationship, they brought on baggage with them or they break down and then they regret later on. Whereas women have more of a tendency to deal with it right away. So I think in the very beginning, it's like you broke your foot, give yourself the compassion, stop judging your feelings as good or bad. And you also don't want to go into a spiral. So I think, you know, spending 24 hours crying is not going to help you. When you're in that state of depression, you have to understand that your body is actually going to tell you to do things that it's going to further that

depression. So it's going to make you want to isolate. It's going to make you not want to eat because your appetite actually goes lower on the priority list because it's on complete survival mode. So, you know, give yourself a timer, do a 20 minute timer and say, okay, I'm going to cry. I'm going to scream. I'm going to do whatever I need to do right now to express it. And then right after that 20 minute timer goes off, do something to do a state change, go for a job, you know, you know, dance to Beyonce, whatever it is to shake you out of that. Otherwise it's going to go from 20 minutes to an hour to days to weeks. Oh, I love the timer thing because I've done that before and then sometimes when I'm in it I almost feel a little bit ridiculous and I'm

like now I'm like making myself cry and I feel like I'm almost acting it a little bit and it puts me into a perspective of like okay maybe I'm a little bit better than thinking that I'm gonna sulk all day long so I think it actually makes you truly like feel the feelings that you're feeling and be very aware of them oh I love that okay this is a really good one so she wrote, she said, so, so many times after a breakup, you're in the thick of it and people hype you up and they're like, girl, forget him. The dick is trash. Um, I added the dick. She just said he's trash, um, or something that's like hype girly. Um, but what about a breakup when he wasn't trash? Um, you know, you actually, you realize that you were not perfect in the relationship.

You know, that you made mistakes and it isn't really like a good riddance for a get him. Um, she says it's been a year later and i haven't moved on because no one was really trash and honestly it's just kind of sad yeah i mean i think sometimes it's almost easier if there was like a big thing right they cheated they died like there's this finality to it but um yeah like i and i think that this whole thing about when we get together with our girlfriends it can be really tempting to be like what an asshole like and pathologize them like narcissist sociopath and like connecting on pain and you actually need to make a concerted effort to not do this because it's like having junk food you might feel a little bit good in the moment but it doesn't help you in the long run

that emotional charge keeps you addicted so like i i guess i my thought is i've never had a breakup where someone like that i cared about where the guy was good because when the guy was good i didn't want to date him. Like I didn't like to date people that were too nice to me. You know what I mean? So I only have had like really dramatic breakups, but Becca, you've had breakups where like the guy was good or no. Yeah, of course. I mean, I've broken up with a lot of really great guys, but you still, you still go through the same similar stuff. Um, as far as your body doesn't know you're not with that person anymore. And there's still grief attached to the loss of the relationship. So like so much of what you talked about in the book, I was thinking, first of all,

it's so good for anybody grieving anything in a way. Like I have a friendship right now where it's kind of so much of this is similar parallels to how you deal with it. But it's like, it is kind of the cold Turkey and taking yourself away, even though that person was a great person, it's not your person. So you still have to make that, create that space and detach and identify who you are without them. Totally. And I think you make such a great point, Becca. It's like, look, whether the person was, you know, trash or he was really nice, we're always accountable in the relationship, right? If you were in a relationship with someone who's completely unavailable, is it completely a hundred percent that person's fault? Or were you part of the

responsible of being in a relationship where you actually didn't have to get that intimate because he was unavailable. So I think our relationships, they, they can really help teach us. And I don't like the benchmark that, you know, happily forever after, or, you know, the duration of, you know, staying together is your benchmark of success because our relationships are here for so many different reasons, right? A reason, a season, a lifetime. Sometimes they're here to teach us what you don't want so that you can create an opening to explore what you do want. sometimes they're just there for you to like have fun and be in the moment and feel what love feels like. And that might not be your person and that's okay. I love that. Okay. This is a question that

one of our Facebook users named Kelty Knight wrote in. She said, what is the most hurtful thing you can do to someone who hurts you? Oh my God, Kelty. Oh my God. Because you talked about it you're like people want revenge so i'm just what is the safest most sane thing that you can do other than you're just gonna say live a good life well living well is always the best revenge well you need this book because then you're not gonna care to ruin his life right right because like i mean okay come on we've all been there i have the most elaborate revenge fantasies before like one involved like buying bed bug seeds like eggs and like getting shit like crazy crazy stuff that's incredible god I didn't do it they were really creative that's a really good one though

that you can't it's actually honestly it's a great idea thank you um but here's the thing when you are you know I and I I remember too like I want to post photos where like so hot and like they're gonna see it and then they're just gonna regret it and the thing is your energy and focus is still on this person and how they're going to react. And it comes out as so desperate and everybody can tell. I know. Everybody else can tell. Yeah. And so like, again, redirecting your focus on like things that feed your soul, that make you feel empowered. And like when you're doing things out of a place of fear and insecurity, that's never going to make you feel good. Even if they saw the photo and then they text you like that, they miss you and your ego might feel good for

a moment that doesn't make you feel healthy and good in the long run. And so the root of why we do things is really important. And I think it's very important that we're honest. Why are we doing the things that we do? Why are we posting that? Like that, that photo, like, you know, the thirst trap, like, is that actually going to help you in the long run? Maybe. I mean, if somebody else sees it. I also think, you know, um, I talked about this in the book, but like after I got divorced in my twenties, I literally never talked to my ex-husband again. Like we literally went our separate ways. Don't have your phone number. Don't have pictures of you, not Facebook friends, not friends with any of your family. Like I have no, I have not seen you talk to you in 20 years.

And it was probably the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me. Like just going off and being like, right, we're broken up. You're not in my life anymore. Like anyone that's hung on and like those people that Facebook you're like all those years later and they're like, Hey, so you're doing well you're like I don't you know that's not anyway that like no contact sometimes the silence of it is very well you left him so he did what people should probably do when they're being told and sent messages that you don't want them anymore so you're being kind of like how many girls write in you're kind of being the guy where you don't want to be with him but you want the attention and you want to feel like he still cares about what you're doing yeah you want to you want to

feel wanted and you're doing it as a very um that's a very self-centered thing i'm sure it is i love how we're cycle analyzing you know i'm sure i'm sure it's an ego thing it is very much an ego thing so someone said how do you set boundaries with the ex's family who still want to be close to you but it's like too recent no there there needs to be a period of time where the relationship transitions right like it's possible you can be friends again i'm i'm actually very good friends with my ex um this is 10 years later uh he jokes he should have shares in my company I give him relationship advice but you need a period of time because you you went from sharing the most intimate parts of yourself with this person and it has to transition and if

you don't give it space and time um it's you're not going to be able to let it go and so I think having these conversations whether it's with friends or family and being like hey right now I want to focus on my self-care and my healing. And this is what, you know, I need from you. I'm not going to talk to you for, you know, a period of time. And, you know, after a couple months, I'm going to check in with how I feel. And if I feel like I'm ready to open up this, you know, dynamic again, I'll contact you, but please like, you know, respect where I'm coming from. I know you love me and please just like, give me this space. I have a question for you in your book, there's a lot of workbook type exercises, which is so helpful. And there's

the quizzes about attachment. Can you talk a little bit about that? Because I think learning how you attach and you say it in the book, it's like learning how you attach is actually very telling of how you're dealing in life with these relationships. Yeah. So for those listening that are new to attachment theory, the idea is that by the age of around two years old, we develop an attachment system, which will pretty much determine how we relate romantically as adults. And so there's three main types. They're secure, which is 50% of the population. They're not afraid of intimacy. They're also not codependent. They can communicate their needs and their boundaries. Then there's avoidant. And these are people that often they come from,

you know, maybe overbearing parents or over-controlling parents. They subconsciously suppress their attachment system. Meaning when someone gets a bit too close, they'll kind of push them away. And they'll do what's called deactivating strategies. They might chase people with an impossible future, or they have this idea of a unicorn. So they date someone. And after three months, they start seeing all the imperfections. They're like, you're just not the one. Avoidance are drawn to the third type, which is anxious attachment style, which is what I used to be. And these are people who fundamentally fear they're going to be abandoned or rejected. And so what happens is when they're triggered, maybe they send a text and they don't hear back from the person that they like for four hours.

They will actually do what's called protest behavior, which are ways to either get attention or punish the person. So I know for me in the past, if I didn't hear back, I'm like, oh, it's been four hours. I'll take four days, see how you like it. Or I would like someone and I had so much anxiety that I would date three other people to take the edge off. And so the avoidance are drawn to anxious and vice versa. And the main difference is avoidance are afraid intimacy will smother them and take away their independence. And anxious are afraid that intimacy will equal rejection. They are, you know, two different sides of the same coin. They both come from a fear that intimacy is not safe. it's true I'm an avoidant person and it was very helpful I mean I've known this about myself but it is so helpful to know what you are because it completely for my marriage it has taken me so many years to understand that sometimes what I'm doing is creating a dynamic that I used to blame

fully on the other person right so it's really I think that's one of the most important things to learn about yourself whether you're going through a breakup or not um interesting last thing before we go and you fix some lives um can you talk about the scientific background on a broken heart like what's happening in your brain because i you touched on it a little bit and i just think it's so interesting to know about like the neuropathways and why your brain wants to connect these things together yeah so after a breakup you're you're like a a mammal that's that goes into primal panic. So you sense a loss of connection and that causes your nervous system to go alert, alert. This is life or death because back in like the hunter gatherer days, if you were

rejected from the tribe, that could literally mean life or death. And we are operating on the same programming. So the oldest part of your brain, the reptilian brain, that's your amygdala. It has this heightened sense of survival. And that's why you feel like you're literally going to die. And like I mentioned earlier, you know, the same part of your brain is activated as a drug user fiending for their next fix. And so, you know, the same chemicals that are involved that get you together with someone, the rush of dopamine, the oxytocin that bonds you, the vasopressin, you're just experiencing the same chemicals, but in reverse. How lovely.

Oh, damn. So it was really good going in. It's going to be really bad on the up. I do want to read a couple quotes from the book that are like, for me, I'm not even going through a breakup. And I just felt like these are quotes heard around the world. Do not let chaos be your measure of chemistry. Do not confuse a lack of tension with a lack of passion. in. We often have girls writing in and they're stuck on this guy and it's tumultuous and it's dramatic. And I'm currently watching Bling Empire right now and I'm seeing it with one of the couples. Oh my God. Amazing. And his attachment style, it's like they're textbook people. Oh yeah. So anyways, he's whatever. What are their names? Jason and something for those people watching. I don't know any other names, but I know who you're talking about. Anyways, so we've all been in that relationship and there are so many girls in the lady gang who are currently living

that relationship it is they are fixed fixated on this person and they think that those fiery passionate fights they often do lead to fiery passionate sex but why is that not that is not magic that's not like some magic dust it's actually chaos yeah yeah and like look I don't blame people who are in that I used to be textbook like a love addict and look at the fairy tales look at the love songs love movies look at mr big right oh yeah there's this idea that love is push and pull the romeo and juliet i mean they killed each other after 40 hours of knowing each other that's the story and like so of course it messes up a whole generation you you mistake intensity and this high high low low this chase um with love and that's not love it's you know codependence mixed with

the side of love addiction and lust. And so, you know, especially if you didn't grow up with a healthy model of what love looks like and feels like, you can develop what I call, you know, you have a chemistry compass, which is our internal GPS that points us into the direction of who we're drawn to and who we're repulsed by. Human beings are drawn to what's familiar. So if you grew up with, like me, an unavailable father, I only got attention when I got good grades I learned that I had to earn love I had to be perfect to get attention right and then so in my 20s I dated DJs and club promoters right I was like pick me pick me I'll buy you shots and then in my 30s I was like okay I'll change it to tech CEOs right and usually you know they're building

some some app and like I'm seventh on the priority list and I'm like pick me pick me I could be the perfect like plus one and I was like oh yeah no pattern but the emotional experience was exactly the same. I was constantly pining for their attention and love, hoping that they would commit to me trying to earn their love. It was the same experience as my dynamic with my father. My chemistry compass was drawing me to people who could wound me in the exact same way as I was wounded as a child, because your psyche subconsciously recreates a scenario of how you were hurt as a child in an attempt to change its ending. That's why. And so, you know, you know, Becca, you're in a relationship right now. It's not full of like, does he like me? Does he not

love me? Is he going to leave me? No, it's calm. It's peaceful. Maybe a bit boring sometimes. It's staple. That's love. Yeah. Yeah. The second part of that quote, which is like, don't confuse a lack of tension with a lack of passion. Cause there is very little tension in my marriage. And so sometimes the little like 22 year old in me is like, well, maybe if we had a big blowout fights all the time, it would feel like a fairy tale, but really it would just feel like chaos again. Well, and that's like you were saying, it's like some people are just so familiar with like thriving in chaos and I'm sure it just all comes down to their childhood. It's just, that's so interesting.

All right. When we come back, Amy's going to fix your life. You know, the past year in the pandemic has really challenged everybody's mental health. Depression rates are up. Anxiety rates are up. And with all this stress, I'm so glad that I found my talk space therapist who lets me vent anytime I want. And I wholeheartedly really, really, really recommend Talkspace for therapy.

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My therapist gave me the practical guidance that really changed my life for the better, and I'm so glad that I found out about Talkspace and got the support that I need, and you can too. So as a listener of Ladygate, you can get $100 off your first month with Talkspace. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com or download the app. Make sure to use the code LADY to get $100 off your first month and show support for the show. That's LADY at Talkspace.com. You know I'm a big fan of Ritual Vitamins, and I've been taking them for about a year and a half, which might be the reason why the year of hot is going so well.

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that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale no long-term commitments or contracts go to stamps.com click the microphone at the top of the home page and type in lady gang stamps.com promo code lady gang never go to the post office again true story i was on clubhouse this week and i was in a pod casting experts room and people were talking about the jordan harbinger show yep that's right and today's episode is sponsored by the jordan harbinger show he's a lawyer world traveler a veteran podcaster and knowledge seeker who's interviewed some of the most fascinating people on the planet his goal is to keep you informed motivated and to challenge the way you understand the world. This acclaimed podcast has something for everyone from

hostage investigators to filmmakers, astronauts, political experts. Jordan has you covered. He even interviewed a cinematographer who discovered a lost city in the jungle and made one of the most important archaeological finds of the century. So right now, head on over to jordanharbinger.com slash subscribe for all the latest updates. We want to tell you about two episodes that I in particularly really loved. Steve Madden was on. I know you've worn in the shoes. And he also had Matthew McConaughey on, which was so cool. Make sure you check out the Jordan Harbinger show. That is H-A-R-B-I-N-G-E-R on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podcast One, or wherever you listen to your podcasts. Okay. And we're back. So we have our lady gangers writing questions. I'm

assuming these are all about love or breakups and we are ready for your expertise. So the first question comes from blah she says i am one of the most always single girls and i love it but i just met a guy through work and there was an instant connection i know there are real vibes we haven't crossed any lines but i just found out that he has a girlfriend i'm also not here for cheating for the cheating life and i don't think he would be a cheater because of these feelings should i end the friendship with him or is there any way i could keep him in my life and maintain my sanity my fear is that i will always want more and i think he feels that too you already mrs blah you already know the answer trust that intuition right like you obviously

don't have a handle on these emotions growing for this person and don't rationalize because you want to spend time with them because you get that hit of dopamine right it's pleasurable when you're with them you get a bit of attention but he's not quite available so like look into why you're drawn to this person who is not available, who is in another relationship. Why do you want to stick around? Right? How is that going to help you? And I think when you get to a point when there isn't that emotional charge, yeah, then you can check in with yourself and reassess if you can develop that friendship. But right now, too messy. It's one of those in situations like this, it is so rare for the person in the relationship to actually leave the relationship and be with you.

And then even if they do, then it's starting out of infidelity infidelity in a sense, even if it's like, if you just whatever, and that's never good. And then you're always going to be worrying if he's going to do the same thing to you. So it's just like such a messy situation just to begin with. So I think that it's like removing yourself is probably, I also think that like, as you get older, the amount of time that you can allow yourself to pine over someone like unrequited is like getting shorter and shorter. Like one day.

Yeah. it's like you put yourself out there you see someone at work you meet someone at an event and you're like should we go out let's get a drink like i don't really believe in this we've been like pining over each other at work for a year because he was in a relationship but we knew we're meant to be like he's not available he's not available you're not one step closer to becoming america's next top you know wedding planner so get out okay next question comes from anonymous she says i hate to be the nagra in my relationship and i also don't like keeping tally on tasks but it seems like I've been doing 80% of the chores through the whole quarantine.

I'm okay with it for the most part. And I just want him to show, but I just want him to show appreciation for it. How do I communicate this to him to, or get him to help at least a little without sounding like I'm nagging him? Hello, anonymous. Well, the very, you know, for any high stakes conversation, the hardest work is done upfront, which is entering the conversation with a handshake and not boxing gloves. If you enter the conversation of like, I always do the dishes. I did these things. You never buy me flowers. Guess what's going to happen? He's going to, his nervous system is like, I'm being attacked right now. I'm either going to fight you or I'm going to run. And when you started off that way, there's no way you're

going to get what you want out of that conversation. So part of you being a leader in communication is starting that conversation, you know, with a sense of compassion. And I love the nonviolent communication framework, which is, you know, the very first thing you do is, you know, find a time when it's, it's a right time. You know, I used to like love springing these hardcore conversations at night when my boyfriend's falling asleep, not a good time, right? Find a good time when you're feeling connected, not in a time when you're already pissed off. Right. And so, and when you have that conversation, let him know, like, what are the facts of the situation? Um, and do it with compassion use I language versus you and so you might say you know I know it's been super stressful

for you during this pandemic and it has been for me too and I've been like really trying to like do things around the house um and then express how you feel like I'm really feeling you know I love our connection and quality time it you know I feel so great when you just take a moment and check in with me at night and like you know just say something nice to me like that's my love language just hearing some words of affirmation and then you you make a clear request of what you want like would you be open to you know at night time um you know we do a check-in we don't talk about work we don't talk about politics and we just maybe share one thing we're grateful for each other like is that something you think could be like helpful for our connection and so you see

like when you see it that way you're giving that person a choice but when you make a demand it's not going to go well, no matter what, because when someone hears a demand, they are either going to submit to your demand and resent you, or they're going to be like, you, I'm going to rebel against you. But when they feel like they have a choice, they're going to cooperate with you. So true. Gosh, you're good. On the back end of that, if you do make a request, a gentle, nice request, don't forget to notice when they do it. So I made a request to Zach months ago, and um he pointed out a couple weeks in he's like have you noticed i've been doing this thing and then my mind goes back and replays like a movie of all the times he did this

since i asked him and i completely didn't even acknowledge it and i disregarded it so remember to um notice positive reinforcement it's a great way rewarding behavior good behavior gives more of that good behavior. So true. I love it. This is why it's so important. Like Amy says to not get too in the crazy of the dopamine and get that good guy or person for partner that is like calm. Because what I found is before Chris and I got married, I was really annoyed because he wasn't doing anything around the house. Like this, like this listener, like he was very unhelpful and he just kind of grown up with a mom who did everything, you know, even though he was an independent guy with a great job and like you know had a house and all these things he just

wasn't that person and when I came into the picture he just like leaned it all on me and I was like this I'm not your maid and we went to therapy for it and she basically said like you really can't change a person like you can hire a house cleaner and you can absolutely adapt but how a person is in their like life is how they're gonna kind of be so when you're picking your partner it's not just about oh my god we have the most fun he's a great dancer he is like a body like Renee, what's his face from, um, Bridgerton or whatever it is. Like you want to look at like the full person and be like, Oh, this person like does the dishes. This person remembers birthdays. Like, you know, that's important in the picking. Yeah. Accepting them for who they are, where

they're at versus the potential of who they're might or might not be later on. Yeah. So true. Okay. Last question comes from Sarah. She says my partner of six years and I recently split on mature and friendly terms because he wanted kids and to settle down near his family in LA. Anyway, as a result of the breakup, I moved back to my hometown while I figure out the next chapter of my life. And it's been challenging to say the least. I'm thinking of moving to New York or Chicago, but I also have no idea how to make new friends and start dating again in my late twenties. Can you just tell me what to do with my life? I think she needs more help than just the dating part but tell her what to do okay I'm gonna tell you what to do so okay I work with

people whether they're 19 years to 78 years old and they always think that they're never gonna find love again it doesn't matter what age you are at and so you know if you don't know how to start dating stop putting pressure on yourself to find the one I think that is such a buzzkill and it energetically sets you up for disaster and disappointment that's why you get so jaded from dating because you're like oh they're not the one for me I gotta do this all over again conduct a dating experiment date 10 people who are outside of your type um and like date someone younger than you older than you that's not in the profession that you desire and what this and and when you're doing this your only goal is to practice your muscle of curiosity and connection

and all you want to know is am I enjoying myself do I want to engage with this person again and if it's a yes then that warrants another date whether that's on facetime or you know in person and so that takes away the pressure and it also makes you really good at dating because when you actually genuinely become curious and i think it's a muscle that you actually need to build through time it doesn't make it like oh my god like what a disaster you're like oh wow like i enjoyed this about this person i didn't and expands your ideas of what you think your type is because who you're ultimately going to end up with is probably not going to be that list that you have in your head, this idea of a type, because that list you create is usually a cognitive process and love is an

emotional process. Oh my gosh. Also, I, so I was a professional dater this, my last time being single and that I did all of that. And it showed me that, you know, the things that you think that you're looking for, like you said, the things on the list, it's like you'll date somebody and they have this quality that you never even thought about. And you're like, oh, well then I do want somebody that's a little bit like this. I would have never thought about that before. But also I realized through dating, like I did the past time I was single, I learned how to talk about myself and I learned how to interact with people that I normally wouldn't have done anyways, because I have a very tight, close knit friends. I don't like hanging out with strangers. I don't

like making new friends. So just being able to interact with people in a different way, and especially in a dating sort of way without being terrified of going on a first date, I think is so important too, because then it gets easier. And then you just kind of think of it as a fun thing instead of being like, I have this first date. Like, what should I do? Like, I hope he likes me. It's like, I'll just go have fun and have a few drinks and I'll see if I like him. Yeah. You develop your ability to create rapport and that helps you in all areas of life. Yeah. I love that. Well, listen, happy Galentine's day, Amy, like we needed you 17 years ago, like in every way, but it's an amazing what you're doing. Your work is so

important. Please go follow Amy, um, at miss Amy Chan on Instagram, and you can, um, sign up for her coaching or her brain at renew your heart. And you're definitely going to want to order your, her book, uh, for a friend, the next time you're going through a breakup for yourself, for a parent, for a co-worker. This is like the perfect thing when it's like, oh, I'm sorry you're going through this. Is there anything I can do? This book, The Science of Rewiring Your Heart,

Breakup Bootcamp. It's available on Amazon or wherever you get books. So Amy, thank you for being here. You're incredible. I learned so much. I feel like I want to go through up now just myself. I could do better.

Do what you wish for. Yeah, no, totally. And we will see you next Tuesday. Thanks for listening. the lady gang is produced by alex ingber will sterling steve delameter and jared monaco make sure you subscribe rate and review our podcast and if you love it share it with your friends on social media like oh my god i just listened lady gang this episode's a great swipe up to listen and if you really want to which we know you do please follow us on social at kelty at

becca at jack vanek and at the lady gang sign up for our newsletter at the lady gang.com and join our secret facebook group it's super fun see you next tuesday deep within the bowels of hell the devil scrolls through instagram and tiktok looking for fresh souls to enslave yo yo yo what's up my gents it's your boy jayden extra who are these people easy pickings for possession your lord darkness they are truly unbearable i believe they refer themselves as influencers. Do you have anyone particular in mind? Hmm.

Money, money, money! Him! Grrrr! My numbers are way down, babe. I need to change it up. Didn't you see that Halloween video Machine Gun Kelly made with the devil? He's like huge now, all because he sold his soul to the devil. This could be my big chance.

I'm not having this conversation. It's wrong, Jaden, and it's evil. I'm done with the drama, fam. Just leave, all right? And you're not coming to Cabo with me. I hate you. Hey, y'all. It's Beth.

What's up? It's J.D. What's up? It's Carly Hansen. Hey, y'all. It's Oliver Tree. Yo, what's going on? It's Ian Dior.

And we all know Valentine's Day is the most romantic time of the year. Whatever. My friends and I are about to turn the whole holiday upside down in our new scripted holiday series, Valentine's Day in Hell. Are you familiar with the work of Anton LaVey? Is he on TikTok? No, he's not on TikTok, you dumbass. Anton Xandor LaVey.

He's the dude who founded the Church of Satan. I'm starting to fear that maybe you're messing with powers that are far beyond your cognitive comprehension, Jaden. I got it, bro. I've seen a version of this movie 20 times. You're like the badass demon hunter, and I'm just some little shit who is messing around with things he doesn't understand.

And in the end, I'll get all messed up and it will be up to you to, like, save me. First, we spent Halloween in hell. Now, you're invited to be a part of our next musical podcast from our In Hell series. This time around, the devil is playing games with all of our hearts trying to ruin our Valentine's Day plans by dragging us down to the fiery inferno

in the deepest depths of hell. Demons, place a hood over Jaden and escort him to hell. This is your fault, Oliver. I know Jaden came to you for help. Satan has picked Jaden for some reason. Now it's up to us to make this right. So who's with me? I'm with you, Oliver.

I'll go. What about you, sad girl? I'll kill some people if that's what you want. Then that leaves you, Clappy. Come here, Oliver. Besides, I ain't got nothing to do Might as well spend my Valentine's Day in hell In each episode, you're going to hear new original music

From artists like Ian Dior Jaden Carly Hansen And me, Fam Subscribe to the Valentine's Day in Hell podcast For full episodes, bonus material, and original music This February, check out Valentine's Day in Hell Brought to you by Audio Up and Podcast One

Available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or anywhere you listen to podcasts.