LadyGang - Comedian Danae Hays

Episode Date: February 17, 2026

Viral comedian and country chaos queen Danae Hays joins us to discuss everything from butt stuff to vibrators to the very specific trauma of awkward doctor’s appointments. We dive into growing up with southern manners (and how quickly they disappear when the group chat gets spicy), the real-life moments that inspire her wildly relatable comedy songs, and the behind-the-scenes story of her meteoric rise from internet favorite to sold-out touring comedian. She also gives us the inside scoop on her brand-new Buck Wild Tour, what it’s like taking her larger-than-life characters on the road, and why leaning into the chaos has been her greatest career move yet.Sleep sound with Boll & Branch! Get 15% off your first order plus free shipping at BollAndBranch.com/ladygang with code "ladygang"See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Mornings without coffee, road trips without snacks, movies without popcorn. Without our favorite foods, we'd miss out on all our favorite moments. Learn more at canadasfoodsystem.ca. Well, what is this? Welcome to the Lady Gang. That's amazing. Say that again. The Lady Gang. Things are about to change around here.

Each week we catch up with Hollywood's hottest girl posse. Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jack Vanek. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to Lady Gang. I'm Becca Tobin here with Jack Vanek and Kelty Knight. Hello. Kelty's dressed like a little granny. You know... She's got a shawl. Is that... It reminds me of when you got a facelift. Yes.

Or the neck lift. Oh my God. Is that what you wrapped around your head when you did it? Yeah. This isn't the same one, but here's my thing. When I... I know it was 25 years ago, but when I moved to New York and was spending a lot of time being an artiste in the East Village, scarves were like my thing.

Like, I mean, I know you can't name scarves as your thing. Yeah, they're pretty generic. But I wore a lot of scarves. Like I always had some like big, boozy, artistic scarf. And I would like to bring it back. And so I threw on this scarf this morning thinking, oh my God, this will just look so chic. And now I feel like I look like a 90-year-old grandmother.

Oh, wow. Scarves are not cool, are they? I think you look cute. I have tried so many times to be a scarf person, and it is, like, I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin every time I put one on. It's not for me. It's really only when you're chilly. I think when you're chilly, it's lovely. But hers is like a, isn't yours like a silk scarf?

No, it's like a, like a cashmere. Like, if Zoe Kravitz was wearing what I'm wearing right now, she would look so cool. That's true. Yeah, but she's just cool. It's a me issue. Yeah. i don't think you look uncool i just think well you look like a coastal grandmother you said this year you're gonna lean into your own signature style so this is it you know what

here she is you're not worried you're all right well i'm excited for today's guest so let's get through this. It's time for Good Week. Yes, it is. Bad Week. Oh, no. My good week is I got a French manicure for the first time in 20 years. The last time I had a French manicure was in high school when my nails were like the duckbill shape. Did you guys ever get those or was it an Orange County thing? I mean, they weren't quite aggressively duckbill, but they were super square, aggressively square. Yeah. Mine were like they would flare out. That was like the Orange County thing to do. Really long, French mani. And ever since then, I've had like such an aversion to it because it just reminded me of high school so much. But I was like, you

know what? I can't figure out what to do with my nails. I'm just going to try it out. And I am obsessed. I love it. And I don't think I'm ever going to change. I screenshotted these nails Are those like an ombre? It's like a soft French. I want to try that too. It's like the white is not quite as defined. It just sort of like goes into it. I actually like that on your nails.

Thank you. And they're shorter. They're shorter. Well, she made them slutty. Yeah, I like it. I like the shape. They're like kind of a coffin shape. Well, slutty is like very pointy.

To me, they feel slutty. Because, you know, I have like a round nail. I was like, I like a round. But then I looked at them. I'm like, these are literally triangles, but then it's too late to say anything. So they're a little slutty French manicure. You got to be careful when you're wiping your butthole with this. I know.

Yeah. It's very pointy. We're going to talk about A&L Fisher's life. No, Jack, I like this for you because you're such a petite girl, and sometimes you had such a big nail. Yeah. My nails are big. This is dainty.

I know. This fits you. This fits for artistes. You can't be dealing with a nail and also paintbrushes. It's true. Right. I know. I love it.

So that's my good week. My bad week is I, it has to do with my nails. Ever since I was a kid, I pick up my cuticles like there is no tomorrow. It's like a, I think it's part of my undiagnosed OCD. It's like a compulsion. I cannot stop. I have tried everything to do it. And that's why I get manicures like French, or not French manicures, Russian manicures.

Now you get a French manicure. Now I get a French. But the Russian manicure is like the only way that like can stop me from picking my cuticles for like two weeks and then after two weeks it's like it looks like I'm a five-year-old I just want to ask anybody out there that's listening if they have any idea of how to make it stop because I do it without even noticing and then I look at my fingers and they're like ragged as hell and I feel disgusting but I don't know how to stop it like what do you do I don't know that's a tough one do you just have to walk around with like those little nail clippers

everywhere you go so that you like just give yourself a little trim of the cuticle and not a pull yeah i have the cuticle trimmers but then i still i still do it i don't know what to do but anybody out there that has any advice please let me know i'm gonna have to wear gloves i think they gave my grandmother some sort of medication to stop picking at her skin really that's what i'm saying isn't there like something for people that pick out their eyebrows and stuff like the Tricta, Tricta, Tricta, Tricta. Pull out your hair. Yeah.

Well, anyways, let us know. You know what? Actually, the Lady Gang, they they've been showing up a lot lately. I'll actually dive into my good week, bad week. Well, my good week is that I recently talked about having low T, low testosterone. And I got so much feedback from the Lady Gang community on my DMs. and nine out of ten people said don't hesitate do it it's the best thing i've ever done so it's been a couple weeks apparently it takes a while for it to really start to

you started get in there i'm doing the cream and um i'm just excited and i just love the lady gang because they all gave me like such good advice they all gave me just they cheer they're cheering me on they're cheering me and my prescription the doctor so i went and i did blood work and And that's when they saw that I had low T and they told me that this was going to help me in my journey. So you should ask the lady. What's the T going to do? What are you going to feel? So testosterone. Okay. So low libido, usually women have low libido due to low testosterone. Check. I have definitely have low libido. Energy levels, sleep, also like lean muscle mass. It's really good to sort of like, if you have high estrogen, you, you sort of care, hold on to like

the weight a little bit more and the testosterone helps you sort of like lean out. Um, that's kind of the main ones, but so far so good. I feel pretty good. I don't have rage. I was worried that I was going to have rage because if anybody's going to have rage, it's going to be me. Cause I already have it in general. Um, so yeah, so far no zits, no zits yet. Oh, could I have given you acne? It can break you out. It can also give you a little bit of hair loss. But that's like if your dose is too high. But I have been doing the Nutrafol to sort of like offset the hair loss of the testosterone. What's so funny about womanhood is that everything affects hair loss. They're like, if your T's too high, you're losing hair. If your T's too low, losing hair. You take

progesterone, hair loss. They're like, you eat a vegetable. And they're like, you're going to take this medicine and then you're gonna stop it loss of hair loss you're never gonna take it loss of hair like it's so true yourself and then just in general you go through uh menopause no hair like no we're just gonna lose all of our hair no matter having a baby no hair yeah not having a baby no hair getting anesthesia no hair like it's so true does anesthesia make your hair fall out Yes. Because you die for a little bit, guys. Yeah. Oh, God. Okay. Well, my bad week is I don't even know if it's bad or good, but this is just more of a PSA to the ladies out there. So I went to my OBGYN and she started asking me just about my family history with like breast cancer, other cervical, ovarian, blah, blah, blah. We're talking and I'm like, yeah, my mom and my aunt and blah, blah, blah. And so she had me take this like risk assessment, breast cancer risk assessment, and you could do it online. It's like free, you know, whatever. You just answer a bunch of questions about like your background, your, I guess, family history, blah, blah, blah. And if you score above 20% for risk, then you're actually, they suggest doing every

six months a screening on your boobies instead of the yearly. So I did my risk assessment. It was higher than 20%. So now I have to go do a mammogram, not have to. I have the privilege of doing a mammogram every six months and then an MRI on my titties every six months. Oh, wow. Oh, MRI or a sonogram?

MRI. Whoa. So this is just my public service announcement. And I actually confirmed this with a couple of friends of mine who are sort of like in that world of breast cancer, breast cancer research, whatever. So ladies, go take that risk assessment because also your insurance covers it if you're above a certain percent. So, and I also, two people in my life didn't have, the mammograms didn't show up the thing that was in them. Like it didn't come up for them. It was only until a mammogram. So I just scheduled my first mammogram on my titties.

And apparently you lay down on your stomach and there's holes cut out on the table. And then there's the person under there with like this metal like plate that's like maneuvering your boobies all around. You haven't had a mammogram before? No, no, no. the MRI. Sorry. The mammogram I've had my boobs smushed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which I actually feel like the mammogram has a bad, it's gotten some bad PR. I don't find it to be like that terrible. Oh, I hate it. My mom always is like, it's the worst thing ever. I mean, it's not, it's not

amazing, but it's like definitely better than the dentist. You just, it takes 30 seconds. No, you're right. It's you're right. But the dentist doesn't have good PR either, Becca. It's not like the dentist doesn't have good PR for a reason. But that's what I'm saying is like, it's like it has it's it's really easier. It's way easier than the dent, in my opinion. Listen, everybody has their thing. But to me, it's very easy. And I think I was so scared to do it because I had heard so many horror stories. And it's really so go online, take that take that test, ladies. Let's take care of our titties. Take care of the tits. Okay. Well, my good week is I have discovered something, a new saying, and I'm obsessed with it. So, you know, my house, well, okay. So I saw it

online. It's called burping your house. Yeah. So you have to, you saw it? Mm-hmm. Gotta burp your house. I say it to Jared all the time. I'm like, time to burp the house. Yes. Oh my God. I just saw it. I just started. So basically burping the house is essentially just opening the doors and like letting fresh air in. But, um, but now there's a new cool Gen Z way to say it. You gotta burp your house. So like, you know, when your house just gets stuffy and like, it's like every night now Chris would be like, are you ready to burp? And I'm like, yeah. And then we like open the door, we get our fresh air. It's just a kiki. I really am finding a little joy in it. No, I love it the same way that we're talking about burping the house. We recently got

this like amazing hutch for our house. But before we got it, I'm like, you know, I'm going to buy our house a little bit of a treat. And I'm like, just thinking about your house that way, like doing little nice things for it. It's like, wow, it makes me just feel a little happier. I know. I'm like, I'm going to wash you, house. Like, I'm going to get some of the spiderwebs off you. Yeah, a little self-care for the house. Love you. Love you, house.

Okay. My bad week is, guys, do you remember on Lady Gang for years, I would not gossip. And I knew, and I was like, and then eventually I started gossiping again a few years ago. I went to the dark side. I, life has fallen apart since I started gossiping. Have we learned nothing? Last year you had a gossip drama, Becca. Yeah.

I it's not good to gossip. And that's what we do on this podcast. I have no regrets. I have no regrets. Yeah. Here's here's my problem. As you guys know, sometimes I go on Jeff Lewis. I went on Jeff Lewis and I don't know what it's like being on this podcast where when you're in a small room with people, you forget that people are listening. Right. So I went to town on this new housewife, Amanda Francis, about the fraud and the books. And I gave a dissertation on why she's not a bestselling author. I was like, as someone who is a New York Times bestselling author and not, you can't just be call yourself a bestselling author by being number one on the Amazon business and women like it's got to be USA Today, Toronto Star. Like there are actual

like bestselling lists. OK, do they make sense? No, but like you, you know, and then you're also like i just like i'm so enraged by the fact that you are like snake oiling these people and people are spending thousands of dollars like okay but also i don't know your business i haven't bought an amanda francis course i'm just so deep in it on tiktok and now the algorithm and so i said all this and i forgot that it went public and now it's my commentary on the bestseller list is all over tiktok and people are like wow you really hate women i was like what i'm the i'm being out scammed by the scam artist. And I think that's my trigger point is that I'm an evil genius, but I don't like when people are an evil or genius. I always manipulate the press. I always manipulate the

headline. I'm like, we're the number one podcast in the world. Are we? No, we just been around for a long time. You know, I'm also a scammer. I'm Joanne the scammer. So why am I so triggered by another scammer? Is it because she's scamming better than me? Obviously. Anyway, I'm sorry. I'm not shit talking anymore. And then like she find out or something. No, I just I'm embarrassed because it's just like, who cares? Let me just give you a piece of advice. I don't know if you've heard of this theory. It's called let them. It's new. It's brand new. I'm on the forefront of this this whole topic. No, I I do. I I see you because I also can get into these like loops of rage when it comes to somebody I see.

I'm like, oh, I see your nasty, sleazy side and like you're fooling everybody, but I know the truth. Yeah. It's, it also, you're supposed to go on Jeff Lewis. You did your job. You knew the assignment, okay? I know what else for you to do.

You're supposed to go on there and you're supposed to gossip. Also, you're putting yourself on a freaking reality show, Amanda, whatever your name is. You're gonna be subject to everything, scrutiny of all of it. So, and you don't hate women. you just like to like make observations. Yeah, you're right. However, I think you can not take

it personally when people start attacking you about it. Let them. Let them. Who cares? They're not on Jeff Lewis. Yeah, they're not on Jeff Lewis. They're not. They don't even know. They don't even know how to get to Sirius Radio. OK, thank you. They're in their little lives and they hate you for no reason and it's just we're gonna let them well also it's like you were just kind of laying out the facts it's not like you're just like talking shit shit you were like this is a little scammy and this is the reason why and this is how she's manipulating it like you don't know how hard it is to get a best-selling book right you know what I mean I had to sell my ovaries okay anyway when we come back Danae Hayes is here and she's hilarious do not go anywhere hey Ontario

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Now back to the Lady Gang. Today's guest is a woman who took Southern charm, cranked it up to 11, added satire, music, comedy, and zero fear, and somehow turned it into a full-blown cultural moment. She's Alabama-born, Nashville-based. She's a comedian, a musician, an actress, a content creator whose characters and parody country albums have taken over the internet and the charts like the actual Billboard charts. She's racked up over 5 million followers, landed on the Hollywood Reporter's Next Gen Creators List, sold more than 50,000 tickets to her first year of touring, and made her

Grand Ole Opry comedy debut at the personal invitation of No Big Deal, Lainey Wilson. She's gearing up for her sophomore stand-up run, the Buckwild Tour, and we are so excited to welcome the wildly talented, wildly hilarious, and wildly unstoppable, Danae Hayes. Woo-woo! Welcome. Oh my gosh, y'all. What an intro. Well, you did it all, so congratulations to you.

Thanks, y'all. That was, man, my self-esteem just went from here to there this morning. I appreciate that. It should. This is wild. So basically, we knew about you. And Becca, when you were the original, so original fan Becca, when did you hear of her? I don't even know.

I just got in some, like, weird algorithm. And I think I first saw one of your songs. and I was like, it's such, I was like, this girl is super talented. But then I was focused and then I was like listening to the lyrics and I was like, but this is so f***ed up. Oh, she's, and then I was like, oh, but she's a comedian. Oh, she like does everything. You're just really f***ing funny.

I'm originally from Georgia. I now live in Texas. So I really do appreciate your Southern charm-ish. Yeah, I was about to say, I don't know if I have much charm. I feel like it's very crass. Like, when that song, Dick in My Nightstand, came out, my dad, he called me because he still lives in my hometown. And he was like, I just—actually, in his words, it was, why? Why would you do that?

And he was like, your grandmother has had to move churches three times because of that song. Stop singing it. Oh, no. Can you take us back to the start of Dick in My Nightstand? This is very lady gang, by the way. Yeah, I mean, we all have one, right? And silicone's never got me pregnant. So I was at a birthday and, you know, when you're like humming something,

but you don't really realize that you're saying it out loud. I had just like stumbled upon this idea in my head. It originally started with, I have a cock and a glock in my nightstand. because I was like, that's, you know, I have a gun and a fake dick in my nightstand. And I was like, cock and block is kind of hard. Like, that doesn't really flow much. So I was like, why don't we just sing dick in my nightstand?

So I just started humming it at a birthday party. And my friend, I'd never sang a song before. I'd never written a song before. And my friend who was a singer, she was like, what are you humming right now? And I was like, I got a dick in my nightstand. She's like, you need to write that and put it out. And I was like, okay.

so we did yeah and it did just uh the girls loved it and the guys like it too funny enough well yeah it's amazing yeah i want to know to do less work yeah exactly i want to know like so you've blown up i would say the last year has probably been like an unrecognizable year of your life what were you doing before all of this like i know you've been there's always a grind that's happening before it breaks through but like you graduate high school and you're like, I am really funny and I'm just going to go for it. And so you've just been making content. Like, tell me what that's like before it came, you know. I wish that was, I wish that was the case. I wish there was, like, I could tell people, oh, I've been doing comedy, you know,

my whole life. But I actually played softball. So I ended up playing softball at the University of Alabama. And from there, I majored in sports broadcasting. And so I started dabbling in sports broadcasting and I got to call some softball games on the SEC network. And it was fun, but like I kept like my producer, it was in my ear and he's like, stop making jokes. He's like, this is softball, stop making jokes. And so I felt like I was confined to a really small box, you know? And so I got out of sports broadcasting. I moved back to my hometown in Alabama of like 1200 people and I started selling real estate. And I think the last house I sold was in 2018 for $88,000. Wow. That commission, girl. Congrats. Make it rain. Yeah, I know. I worked hard for that deal

too. It was like the guy who owned it, he was a truck driver. And he was just like, he was like, get me the best deal possible. I'm like, sir, two of the bathrooms are missing toilets. Okay. I'm trying the best I can here. So then I stopped selling real estate and I went into pharmaceutical sales and I had the worst experience I've ever had in my life. I just, I worked with like the biggest creep you could imagine. And I was, I literally worked there for like four weeks and I was like, I'm done with this. So then I started doing softball camps to make money. And then from there, I got roped. I can't even believe I'm sharing this. I started dating this girl and she was a part of a pyramid scheme. Oh my God. I was like, you got roped into

an MLM. This is the next. Which one? Real estate, pharmaceutical sales. There's only one thing that can go above, which is MLM. This is also like the anti-lesbian trajectory that you're taking me on. like right right you're smarter than this I know that's for like the girlies I don't know y'all I was like the sore thumb that stuck out it was with Beachbody oh like can y'all imagine my gay ass out there like pimping out hip-hop abs like I looked like such a idiot and but I was like I'm so sick up trying all these jobs. And the girl that I was dating, she was doing really well at it. And did she have hip hop abs? No, she did not. She did not. So no one selling the hip hop abs actually had. It's just a dream. A hip hop ab. Yeah. The only person selling you hip hop abs

is Sean T. And he, the guy doing it and he is cut up. But yeah, when I have to talk about that, I'm just like, what's wrong with me?

How do you sell hip hop abs? Like, is it all on the, is it all like, what's the big MLM that we... Like Avon? Yeah.

Like, is it you're showing it on Instagram all the time and then you're using codes? Like, what is this? Are you going to be in person?

Do you? Well, no, no, I, I did notice this, like, I was doing it on social media and I noticed that like anytime I would want to have like a get together with friends, they were so reluctant to come to my house. And so I would, I would always like sit them down in the living room and I would be like, now that I've

got y'all here. And they'd be like, no, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. But, but yeah, no, you were just like basically working out, sharing your workouts. And I will say this, there was a lot of really cool things of, like, I did help, like, a lot of my clients. They lost, you know, crazy amounts of weight and changed their lifestyles. So, you know, that is not something I'm ashamed of. I'm very proud of that. But, you know, the fact that I was roped into an MLM is, is, yeah, I can't even sleep at night. Like, I'll wake up in the middle of the night in terrors. Yeah. But honestly, the, like, movie or sitcom you write on your life, it's full. We've got so much. When we get Danae on CBS, it's going to be great.

The first season is just you doing all your shitty jobs. Yeah. Funny enough, that's so funny that you said that. I actually just sent a pilot episode of a sitcom off to a network, and one of the main characters, she's addicted to Facebook Marketplace and get-rich-quick schemes. Yes, I understand. That would be me. That would be me in a small town. There's no doubt about it. The high that I get, the dopamine hit that I get

when I sell something for $4 on Poshmark is unhealthy. Yeah. I have to make bets with my girlfriend. She's asleep. She just got off an early morning flight, but like she'll buy something off Poshmark and she's like, oh, they don't fit. I'm like, look, if you can sell it for what you have in it,

like I'll take you to your favorite Italian restaurant Because I mean, like, she's just always slinging Poshmark, you know? It's like you're really not making any money. You're just selling what you have and then buying something else and selling it again. Yeah, she's just like a humanitarian at this point. She's just trying to clothe people from Poshmark. It's clothing swaps. We're being eco-conscious and eco-friendly.

I want to go back. Sorry, I want to go back. So people who are listening, this Dick in the Nightstand song got very popular. And that's how you charted. And this was like kind of the popping off moment for you. I just want to bring something up because this is Lady Gang. I recently realized that I may have the wrong dick in my nightstand. And I thought this was like a good time to bring this up with you ladies.

So my girlfriend, Christina, recently in our group chat sent a picture. Her daughter had like gone in the drawer in the bathroom and had pulled out a vibrator and was like smiling. And it was one of the vibrators that looks like a flower, you know, and she like thought it was cute. But then it had a string and it had a secondary flower. And I was like, what is this precision instrument? And she was like, oh, you don't have this? It's a vibrator that then connects and you put the other flower up your butt. Is this what the kids are doing now?

Because I have this straight vibrators and like I thought I was so of the world when I got a clit sucker. Like are we now on to like also an ass vibration? I need help. Listen, listen, ladies, I sing dick in my nightstand, okay? That doesn't mean I know about anal, you know, butt stuff. But I will say this. If you're keeping your vibrator in your bathroom, it's probably not doing the job. You know, you really want that thing, like, right next to your bed.

Easy access. But I did go, I did go, I had to go to the, speaking of butt stuff, thank you for bringing that up. Um, I had to go to the butt doctor for the first time, um, because, you know, I mean, let's just get into it, right? Let's just be honest. Well, I'm glad you're bringing this out because it is on the list of things we're going to ask you because I saw this on your Instagram and I'm dying. I'm chomping at the bit for this.

Okay. So, yeah, me too. I can't wait to share butt stuff all over the internet. Um. Ooh, and when you're super famous, like when that sitcom becomes like an Emmy Award winner, we can pull this clip back out. Yes. Okay. Listen, Nikki Glaser came on Lady Gang TV. This was 10 years ago and she talked about her big vagina and it is still on the internet. And I think that we are a part of

her success. So, Danae, you're welcome, Nikki. We're the springboard and let's talk about your butt. Nikki, it's like throwing a hot dog down the hallway with you. Well, so I started having pain in my butt and I would white and there would be blood. And I got very concerned because my grandfather passed away from colon cancer. And then my grandmother got diagnosed with rectal cancer, but she, she beat it. So I was like, oh my gosh, I've seen all these studies, like these twenties and 30 year olds getting diagnosed with colon cancer. And it freaked me out. And I go to the doctor and I have literally never done butt stuff. Like swear to God, you will not find a partner in my past.

It's like, yeah, me and Danae, we did butt stuff together. You just won't. So I get there and it's like the most handsome man I've ever seen in my life, of course. And he looks like, what was it? Dr. McSteamy off of Grey's Anatomy. McDreamy. McDreamy.

Literally like the hottest man ever. And he walks in and he's like, hey, Danae, I'm Dr. So-and-so. what's going on and I'm like I think I might have an anal fissure is from is what chat GPT is telling me and he was like okay are you bleeding and I was like I am and he was like oh well with that being said I'm gonna need to look at your butt and I'm like absolutely he's like I'm gonna step out in the hallway I want you to put your knees down kind of like you're praying and then I want you to put your body over the bench and I want you to lay down so I lay down and the bench is

like three feet off the ground well he comes in my pants are down to my ankles my butt is up and then he presses this remote pedal with his foot and jacks my ass to eye level with him I'm just like I'm literally floating up there like the ceiling fan is about to touch my back and he's like okay can your toes touch the ground no I'm I'm like I look like you're like it's like when a kid does the airplane on your feet? Like, no, I literally looked like a Toyota RAV4 at the mechanic shop. Like I am lifted. And he's like, I'm going to have to put my finger in your butt. And I'm like, oh my God, I'm thinking, is this going to hurt? He's like, it's going to be uncomfortable. You'll be fine. So he starts digging around. And when he's done, I'm just

still laying, you know, six feet up in the air. And he just kind of like walks around the bench and he looks at me and he goes, this is nothing to be ashamed about, Danae. But for the next six weeks until I see you, please don't put anything else in your butt. I go, I have my ass up right now. I'm so vulnerable. And I looked at him and I go, oh, I, sir, I have never put anything in my butt. He goes, hey, there's nothing to be ashamed about. You don't have to lie to me. Just don't do it again. Oh, I was like, bro, he made it seem like my butthole had been ran through by the Alabama football team for months. You know, I was like, what did he see? What did he see? He said, I have an anal fissure. Yeah, just an anal fissure. And I, so when he walked out,

I was like, sir, I just want to tell you one more time, that anal fissure was not from toys. It was from turds. Like, I swear to God. And then he just goes, well, again, six weeks. And then he just walks out of the room. I felt so, I just felt wrong. I felt so wrong.

What was the treatment? Yeah, just not putting stuff in your butt? He's like, don't put anything in your butt. Okay, check. And then he was like, I'm going to give you these little finger gloves. and then you're going to have to put medicine in your butt. Like a cream. Like a cream.

So then you have to stick your own finger in your butt. Right. So technically, he didn't really know what he was talking about. Yeah. So it's like you're putting stuff in your butt every day now. Every day now. He wants me to do that every day for the next six weeks. I had to go for hemorrhoids to a doctor

and I literally scoured the internet to make sure that I was not seeing a single man in the state of Texas. Yeah, you've made a mistake. Yeah, but then I guess it's a little questionable for you because if it were a beautiful woman, what's worse? Yeah, I'd probably enjoy it too much. Okay, so you know what? You went the right route for you.

That feels very predatory of me to say, but I would. I would probably enjoy it too much. I would go back every day and just be like, it's happening again. Can you lift me up? I need another finger. We're all in love with a plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills

and we do consultations regularly so that he'll hold our faces in his big hands. Yeah, and look into our eyes. Wait, Jack, was your, I can't remember the guy, the person that was doctor was going up your bum. Are you still doing it? Yeah, so I have been doing like pelvic floor therapy for constipation.

So I have had many fingers in my butt recently. And not only that, I've recently had like a catheter that they blow up in a balloon. so they stick it in and then they're like I'm gonna pump the balloon up let me know when you feel it to like feel like a poop is coming out so that's where I'm at and thank god I face away from her but when they were kind of doing other stuff I was facing towards the girl and she would not not make eye contact with me so that was like where I was getting a little bit you know A little bit too much.

Yeah. I didn't know we all had so many, like, butt traumas. Kelty, you don't have any butt stuff. You're the only one. I was literally, like, for the first time in my life, like, this is a club I'm so happy to not be invited to. It's not great. I mean, I think I do have hemorrhoid removal in my future. Like, I guess eventually you're going to have to do that thing where you, like, tie them off with a rubber band and, like, kill the blood to them, the circulation.

Pop them off. Pop them off. but I've only heard feedback from men about it being the most painful thing they've ever experienced. I need a woman to tell me what this is like, you know? Well, men have like zero pain tolerance. Exactly. So I wouldn't trust that. I will say that since I posted that video online, there have been so many women that have said they've either had anal fissure surgery, where they sew you up, you know, like a couch cushion or the hemorrhoids. And they said that if you can avoid it at all costs to do it, because you apparently for like two, I want to say it was

either two weeks or two months. I don't know. It was a pretty long timeframe. They were like, you lose the ability to know when you're going to use the bathroom. And so you have to wear a diaper for a long time, or you have to sit in a warm bathtub full of water and then fish it out with like a fishnet at the end. Nope. Like poop in the hot water. Yeah. So then you're shitting all over yourself in water? Literally. What? I know. I want to tell you something. Now you don't know us very well, but I am the success coach of the lady gang. I really help people become more famous and more successful. It's like, I'm really good at it. I feel like there's a big pharma ad in your future and those are worth millions of dollars. Like you think playing the Opry or like, you know,

doing the Buckwild tour, I, I, I checked out the tickets, like lots of the shows already sold out. Like you could barely even get to see you. You're so popular. But like when you get that hemorrhoid or anal big pharma money, it's millions. So do not be a... Yeah, write the song. Start the song. Oh my God, you could do the jingle. The jingle for the butt.

Okay. Yes. I need to talk to my agent. I'm going to write this down. Call your agent today. You're welcome. Because that girl on TikTok just got a national Dr. Pepper commercial for being like, Dr. Pepper feels so good.

It's not even a good song. Yes. I mean, I'm happy for her, but it's not that good of a jingle. Wow. You've got this. Okay. All right. I'll take 10%.

Okay. Perfect. You're listening to The Lady Gang. I want to ask you something. What stereotype, Becca and you, what stereotype about Southern women is, like, do you love leaning into? Like, what's one thing that, like,

Southern women are not, but you pretend they are because it's funny? Well, for me, it is pretty true, but I love leaning into it. I love how Southerners can be extremely offensive without knowing they're being offensive because they sugarcoat it. Like, we would never call somebody a fat ass, ever, but we would call them big boned, you know? Yes, yes. You know, and I've always just, I thought that was so funny. I'm like, baby, that's not calcium, that's casserole, you know who's the most famous person since this has all been happening that's slid into your dms

beside laney who we love gosh um i would say the one that i have a really good relationship with that i just adore is bunny um bunny and jelly roll bunny's a really dear friend of mine she is just good as gold. Like, her heart is truly, and I think a lot of people know this about her, but in case they weren't certain, she is truly one of the most kind people I've ever been around. She checks in on me when she doesn't have to. Like, anytime something goes down, Buddy's one of the first people to shoot me a text and just be like, how are you? Like, if you need to come over to the house, please come over to the house and just, you know, and talk. She's a really good person, and so is Jelly. So that's his wife? Yeah. And what is her

legal name? I think it's Alyssa. I've only called her Bunny, but I want to say it's Alyssa, but she goes by, like, Bunny XO. That's another thing about the South. The nicknames are so incredible. You're like, oh, you go by Mitzi or Lulu or Birdie, and, like, their actual names are, like, Sarah. Yeah. How'd you get there? How'd we get there? There was guys in my hometown. One of them went by Tick and the other one went by Chigger. Yeah, Chigger and Tick. And I asked my dad one time, I was like, why did they go by that? And he was like, because you just can't ever get rid of them. They just linger. Oh my God. Nice. You know what's interesting about Bunny and Jelly Roll that I think is really cool that I wanted to just mention on your friendship is that

like you know okay so we've had so many famous men and women on this podcast and you know like when you can tell they're in a couple but they're still like they're number one in their life you know what I mean when people are like my wedding my house like it's like me but like Jelly and Bunny they are like such a team that like it was so interesting even at the Grammys when like when she talked about the album she was like our album like she's such a part of it but he says the same thing like you can tell and it's like it's very apparent that behind this man and his career is a woman actually making sure it all happens you know what I mean and they're very upfront about it instead of it being the secret which is like behind every good man is like a

woman holding it together he's like very vocal about that and I kind of love that yeah oh they are obsessed with each other. Like, they've been with each other forever. And it's like they, you know, they're still in their first week of dating. And I don't think a lot of people realize just how successful in Bunny's own right she is. Like, that girl is slanging it. Like, she is kicking ass. And like, she's so smart. She's a former escort. Like, she's slummed it for a long time in her life, has been arrested multiple times. And she'll be the first one to tell you that. But like she has found a way to dig herself out of like a crazy lifestyle and just really put her brand on so many different things. And she's so smart about it too, because anything that

helps her is going to help Jelly and anything that helps Jelly is going to help her. But at the end of the day, yeah, they really love each other. They're obsessed with each other. Would it be so funny if Jelly Roll and Bunny's real names were like Harold and Samantha? I think it's just as simple as Jason and Alyssa. Oh, God. Okay. All right. I have a quick—well, I really want to get her on the podcast about the book, so I might hit you up about that.

All right. Mary Kale, here we go. Country edition. First of all, old—well, I didn't—I'm so sorry that I didn't know you were a lesbian. I think that's what they call it nowadays. Okay. Well, you know, I don't know. Maybe you're like—

It's like you're pronouncing a Spanish word. You were like, it's an Italian dish. Do you like lesbianism? Do you like that? You know, sometimes people are para-polyamorous. No. And one thing I will fight you on is if you call me queer. That's what I'm saying.

I knew I was going to offend you in some way, so I'm glad it was just the Italian dish. You cannot offend me. That's the thing about me. I think that's what probably annoys some people is they want me to be more offended in life because I am a lesbian. And I'm like, no, baby, I'm going to laugh at everything.

And that's probably why I'm happier than most people is because you can't, you cannot offend me. Yeah. Okay, so I'm starting with the girlies, the legacy girlies. F***, marry, kill. Dolly, Reba, Shania. Oh.

Okay. Oh, God. Okay. Y'all, don't judge me. Oh, never. You want to f*** Dolly. I'm going to f*** Dolly. At this age.

Right now. And my girlfriend who's asleep in that room in there, she'd be like... She'd be clapping. Go for it. I support you. Yeah, I would hang her up from the ceiling fan and do nasty stuff to Dolly.

Dolly, I love you. I would... I would probably marry Shania. um well she's a private jet so i feel like that's like a good person to marry yeah and she yeah she's wild she's wild as a buck um and then unfortunately i love reba so much um but i would probably yeah i don't want to finish that line sorry i don't even feel like i feel like as your success coach assistant coach you should maybe not say this because reba does have a sitcom and you would be wonderful on this sitcom.

Yeah, okay. You need to get on that sitcom or you need to get on Leigh-Anne Morgan. I mean, this is a no-brainer. Okay, last one. Hot girls only. Mary Kill. Kelsey Ballerini, Lainey Wilson, Megan Maroney.

Oh, God. Okay, I'm going to marry Lainey. Oh, God. I don't... I don't know, y'all. Well... Could we hold hands instead of... Can we just hold hands?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I would hold Meg and Kelsey's hand, both of them. I would get Meg by the left and Kelsey by the right, you know. There you go. It's a small town, y'all. It's a small town in Nashville. Y'all are making this hard on me. I know, sorry.

No, it's so true. It would have been easier if I asked you about Willie Nelson. Yeah. Listen, you're delicious. We're so glad to have you now in the Lady Gang. We really, you know, we talked about success. We talked about your butt. We talked about f***ing.

Like, it was a full Lady Gang episode with you. And thank you for showing up. Everyone who's listening, it's hard to get tickets, but they're still available. The Buckwild Tour tickets are currently available. You're, like, traveling like a crazy person. I know some of the dates are done already. But you're amazing. And congrats on everything.

And can't wait to see you soon. Y'all are the best. I cannot wait to see y'all in real life and meet y'all. Y'all are truly... We're going to come to your show. When are you going to be in LA or Austin? I want to... So not for the first leg,

but I'm pretty sure we're nailing down Austin and LA for the fall. So hopefully I'll get to see y'all out there. Okay. We will start working on that Fisher jingle. I will. You got it. Get that big pharma money. Yeah, let's get some big pharma money.

We can't wait for our 10%. It's literally the only thing keeping this podcast alive. We will. See you next Tuesday. Lady Gang is hosted and produced by Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jack Vanek, with social media support from Kali Carrera, audio and video editing from Jared Monaco, and additional support from Steve Delameter and Podcast One. Mornings without coffee?

Road trips without snacks? Movies without popcorn? Without our favorite foods, we'd miss out on all our favorite moments.