LadyGang - Girl's Gotta Eat's Ashley Hesseltine

Episode Date: May 12, 2026

Comedian Ashley Heseltine crashes the Lady Gang on the day her Prime Video special Here Comes the Bride drops! Keltie's got a Panic! at the Disco song written about her (the whole album, actually), Becca is furious that her husband's deep sea fishing trip counts as a work retreat, and Jac shares a deeply traumatic — and deeply graphic — rectal exam story that involves two enemas, a balloon catheter, and a male nurse who was NOT here for jokes. Plus: the girls debate tipping culture, destination wedding etiquette, whether America has too many states, and why you should break up with your partner at least once before you walk down the aisle.We have spring deals for YOU!!Boll & Branch: Sleep cooler this summer! Get 15% off your first order PLUS free shipping at bollandbranch.com/ladygang with code "ladygang"Hers: Ready to reach your goals? Visit ForHers.com/ladygang for personalized, affordable care that gets YOU.Clean Simple Eats: Shop the best tasting protein powders at CleanSimpleEats.comProgressive: Looking to save on car insurance? Cruise on over to Progressive.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Well, what is this? Welcome to the Lady Gang. That's amazing. Say that again. The Lady Gang. Things are about to change around here. Each week, we catch up with Hollywood's hottest girl posse, Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jack Vanek. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the Lady Gang.

I am Becca Tobin here with Jack Vanek and Kelty Knight, and we brought on a fourth member of the Lady Gang because, you know what, she's funny as... Kelty, who's here? This is very exciting. She sold out 43 shows across 19 cities, shot a comedy special and planned a wedding all at the same time she's the co-host of the most legendary podcast in the game with over 150 million downloads um and her brand new special

here comes the bride drops on prime video may 1st it's already out by the time you're listening to this um and we need to talk about that uh the last time she was in our world uh i was having a full meltdown backstage at lady world in an alligator suit in the pouring rain and somehow uh she was the calm one, even though we would not expect that. From the exotic peninsula of Delaware to dominating comedy stages everywhere. She's funny. She's fearless. She's a girl that's got to eat. And she's exactly what we need right now. Please welcome to Lady Gang. It feels weird to have you as a solo artist. And I looked down and I remembered that your last name rhymes with swine. It's Ashley Heseltine. Thank you. That's so weird. I thought it was teeny this whole time.

Teenie? I think I said teen. Teenie. I think I said teenie. I like teeny. Teenie's good. Anyway. Wow.

You did it. You guys, that was, I never get that. I have to do, we have to do that. For yourself. And so it's put to be on the receiving end of a Kelty intro. That was really special. So. Are you changing your name?

No. Good. Atta girl. Good for you. Stay strong. Just no, no further questions. No, I'm wearing a little, a little S on my necklace. If you could see, that's kind of my, my tribute to my husband.

You know, what's so good about mine is my husband has the same letter of a first name as mine. So like I can do that, too. But it's like actually for me, but it can be for his first name. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. I see. Yeah. Before we get into good week, bad week, I do want to just talk to you about something. Okay. I do want to just I need I need like a first person reporting boots on the ground. like take us back to lady world and your thoughts on that evening and just like in general like you were like what the are we doing here can you just like describe to the children what was happening so i was talking about lady world last night oh my god where we i was at this um dinner with dear media and i was just like and they're like how was it you're like it was a shit show no I was with the I sat next to Nina Parker and I was like talking to her about it and how great it was and what you guys need to do it she said that yeah we were that's what I forget I mean we were just talking I was like you're obviously you know Kelty and everything

and she was like they asked me to do that and I was like it was great I mean we got there and it was you know the weather wasn't perfect it was raining Kelty but before you were in the alligator you did Celine Dion, um, drag in the full red performance. It's all coming back to me now. Full, full length. I think you went all eight minutes. And I feel like Jack and Becca are the epitome of let her cook. Like really before that phrase started, that really was the energy because they were just hanging back. And then, yeah, I mean, it was stressful. Are we going to perform in the rain or not?

And it worked out, and the people that were there were down for it. They had their ponchos out, and we got wet, and we had a great time. I mean, but I could feel the overall stress of, like, I can't believe this is happening. But you guys are such pros. You guys roll with it. Like, it was shocking to me. You were so chill. You're like, wait, we'll go out.

We'll do it. It's not raining that hard. Like, we'll just make it happen. and like you were not sweating it at all and then there were there was no silence during your set it was laughter the entire time like you guys bring such good energy to everywhere you go and like even for us our live portion except for Kelty's dancing our live portion felt so weird I've never felt so outer out of body in my life but you guys just got up there and you were like this is what we this is fine this is great you definitely know how to do a live show okay we're

going to get into your live show in a minute. But first, Rebecca, take us there. Rebecca, it's time for Good Week. Yes, it is. Bad Week. Oh, no. I'll start actually, because this is this is actually part of my good week, because I think when you said when you said Lady World, it dawned on me that this was the timestamp of when this thing that I'm talking about kind of started to blossom. You know, I've been I've been a spectator on Kelty Night for so many years now, you know, like I'm an anthropologist now and there's something going on with Kelty. I was just on the phone with my friend Tracy and we're talking about, we're just catching up. Right. And she knows Kelty very well. And she was like, oh my gosh,

I've just been like living for Kelty on social media lately. And I said, you know what? It's weird because I was scrolling on Instagram and this is the return to Kelty. Oh, like she's in like you know your Saturn return it's like she's full Kelty and in the Kelty that we met decades ago but then she's like come back to herself and she's like marinating and all the best things she's learned over the last 20 years but you are full Kelty Knight now and it is I can't describe it anybody listening knows exactly what I'm talking about just don't stop what you're doing because it is my good week and it's really giving me life but like what well you were extremely tan on that trip like you're just like first of all like you're at the beach your tan is borderline

racist and problematic level level 10 yeah like whatever that was and we've been creeping there You know what I mean? Like we've been making like little baby steps. We're full like we're past Nick City dancer era Kelty. So like that really was like the thing that sparked me being like this feels reminiscent of like dancer Kelty. But then there's just so much that you're you're like in a boss babe era. You're giving career advice, but it's so unhinged. But it's also like but while it's unhinged, it's actually genius. information. It's correct. It's so good. And like, I just, I just want to say from now until your book launch, keep it going, babe. Let her cook. Well, it definitely gives you an excuse to just lean into everything that you're doing because you're promoting the thing. And it's just like, just go nuts, dude. Thank you. And like, it's just like all it's the brand. It's like really all ties in. You're like living the truth. And I think it's really like, I think it's, refreshing and empowering. Yes. When we record the podcast for your book where we talk about it,

we're going to label it the return to Kelty. Yeah. The title of the. OK, so that's my good week. That's just very, very simple. My bad week is this. And like, I think we're going to talk about some grievances with you, Ashley, because like your point of view is perfect. But my husband is on a work retreat right now and they do this every year and they go to the they go to the beach, they deep sea fish, and they golf. And I'm thinking to myself, I'm thinking to myself, I've had it. I've had it. Because you know what? I am a female-run small company. That's what he is. It's a male. Where's our retreat? We wouldn't want to spend extra time together, but if we did, we should have solo retreats. That's exactly what I said. I said, you know, anytime that this has

come up, like a team building or whatever, whatever, when we had more employees, I was like, you know what happened? We had 20 seconds of spitballing, and then we all said, In my free time, I don't want to spend it on a work retreat with you bitches. I want to either be on a trip with my girlfriends that are not you that I don't work with or at my house on my couch or now with my family, with my son and my wife in our home. And I'm so mad that men all over America are deep sea fishing and calling it work. And at night, like in the dark. That's when you have to do it. apparently. Allegedly. What is it? The tarpon are active at night. Of course they are. It looked

very it's like that is the scene of some murder happening. It was very scary. It is a murder. It's but it's not happening on that trip. It's happening upon his return. And I'm at the hands of his wife. Honestly, yes. I want to I want the lady gang. And I said this to my husband last night. He's like, hey, this happened when I was working for a woman, like when I was in medical sales. I go, time out. Big corporations don't count. That's like required, right? If you work for Oracle, like there's something that they have to do in the C-suite where they like I'm sure have to put together some stupid thing where you're trust falling with employees. Well, yeah, it's a write-off. Right. These are grown men, like six of them, and they're in control. They're definitely

wearing like a stretch docker i'll tell you that right now like it's like that it's like jack well of course you don't because your husband's in a rock band it's like a fancy pant it's a fancy pant that they wear to work but it's made out of legging material it's like they can like cycle in them they can like get on a city bike but it's like they their little their little polo sport shirts are tucked in dry they have little bubble butts dry fit and bubble the dress shirt but it's also dry fit yeah you know i don't like this it's it's taking over the communities no one does it so i'd rather you be starchy and have sweat stands than be wearing a dry fit dress shirt yeah i'm sorry and a leisure slack it's very stylish literally mother okay so i want the

lady gang to tell me if they are in like female run small business and if they do this bullshit because I bet you we're going to search far and wide and those bitches are like no I have responsibilities I'm raising children I want to be home okay yeah sorry I'm going next because I have the perfect segue to this my bad week is also about a man and it's about a man who had a responsibility to Broadway and his name is Mark Ballas the secret is out Mark wore a man bun as Billy Flynn in Chicago, and I am angry. First of all, how dare you let this happen? Owner of Chicago that did not hire Becca or me to be Roxy Hart. Unacceptable, first of all. Yes, did you have the best ticket sales you've ever had in the history with Whitney and Mark? Sure. Doesn't

matter. It does not matter. It is negated by Mark Ballas doing Billy Flynn with a man bun. What was his hair supposed to be you've said this but i didn't listen it's meant to be like clark kent it's meant to be a side part richard gear george clooney he's like he's a very straight laced savvy lawyer he would never you would never trust him on your murder trial with a man bun if your lawyer comes in and he's like don't worry i'll get you off roxy and he's got a man bun no and the worst thing is the worst thing is he should have just left it as his normal mark man bun which is like a high messy bun but they tried to downplay it and so it's a low rocket tight it's like hayley bieber slick back it's a hayley bieber slick back at the met gala bun they've tried to lower

the temptation of like like as if we weren't gonna notice you had a small biscuit on your lower nape mark at that point couldn't they have just put they have put a wig over that if they're when i first complained about this to rebecca tobin former broadway star she said no they're gonna pin curl it and i thought that's a a lot of hair to pin curl there's girls all over broadway pin curling their hair their thick ass horse it's unacceptable mark you can do it but wait i feel like we're gonna have to like walk this back because i think he just had some sort of like career ending injury and he's leaving the show. Really? What? I'm only laughing because this is peak healthy. Well, that's karma. Okay. You shouldn't have had a man bun. Then you would

have been fine. I love you, Mark. I'm looking this up. I'm looking this up. Okay. My good week is that I went to the nudie spa yesterday. And I'm not telling you which one because it's so great in downtown LA to get my whole body scrubbed naked. And I was so excited because when I walked in to the nudie spa i had a fan at the reception and she was like oh my god i love you and i love the lady gang and i was like so excited and then i was like oh i was like please don't tell anyone i was here um i don't want it to get out because it's my secret spot and then everyone will be there and then i'll be walking around nudie with all of hollywood like i don't want that oh my god so then i was sick i was like really feeling myself i was like you know what i do have fans

i'm so popular and then i walked out and i was like bye kylie so good to see she's very cute She's an actress and she's very cute. And then on the way home, I got a DM for her and she wanted to show me her Panic at the Disco tattoo. So actually she was not a fan of me. She's a fan of our mutual ex-boyfriend. And then became a fan of me through me being a ridiculously bad break.

I said, oh my God. And the tattoo is from Northern Downpour, which is a song about me. I felt less cool, but still I was like, great, Kylie. Anyway, good luck to you, Kylie. Wait, was Northern Downpour because you're from Canada? yes and i was living in new york i missed your skin where you were east i was in new york he was in the west the winding knee i had a rocket injury i mean we will we could go into detail

the song's about me actually what are you going next keldy i need you to do a reel and go through the lyrics of this song like this is we've never discussed that you have a song written about you panic at the disco you've mentioned it casually but i thought you were like making the whole records about me out of the sun and the moon she was drinking tea in the garden it's me i was drinking the tea oh my god well this is i don't love you i'm just passing the time should have taken the hint didn't wow wow sonnet insurance wants to know what would you do with an extra hour in your day and more money in your pocket with sonnet you can quote and buy home and auto insurance online or over the phone your choice on your time whatever works best for you and

Canadian university and college alumni could save over $2,000 a year. That's real money back where it belongs. Save time, save money, save yourself from the way insurance used to be. Get your quote at sonnet.ca. Switch. Save. Simple. Sonnet. Now back to the Lady Gang. Okay, Ashley, I'm so sorry. I'd like you to go next, please, ma'am. I was going to do more serious, but you guys really are like ranting. And I love that energy. We go on an emotional. If you want to cry, you can cry.

Take us on a ride. So I am recording with you guys the day my special comes out. Sorry. No, it's great. 9 a.m. This is what I wanted to start the day. Press day. I know you guys got me on at like a week's notice.

I really appreciate it. Thank you, Kelsey. But I'm so excited. This is like the biggest thing I've ever done solo professionally. This is like years of work. I toured this. I filmed this. We edited it. It's taken forever. There's been it's been ups and downs and such a journey and like a lot of highs, but a lot of lows and like disappointments along the way. And it's been like six months of like figuring out how that we're going to release this and all the things it's just, it's been a lot. And it's, I'm really excited and I'm excited to like put it out into the world. And this is like a huge deal. Like, I don't think there's anything else I can cite in my professional career.

That's been just like, just me. This is like my life's work. And there's that. And then there's also just like yesterday, I just was like crying in a towel, you know, like what if everybody hates it? Like what if it's, I, I'm confident. I love it.

I'm proud of it. There's no like, well, I have regrets. I could have done it better. I could have done it different. I, no notes for me and what I created. But what we do, we can't just live like that. We can't be like, if you don't like it, sorry. We need people to like our shit.

Enough to sustain a career. So as much as it's like, we all, I think, want to put things out we're proud of and ignore the haters that you're like, But we do need people to enjoy our art. So it's just this back and forth of how is it going to be received? I've never experienced anything like this in my life of like it all feels like it's riding on this, the thing, you know? Yeah.

I have a question. And the also thing, the thing is you have to know, I think about comedy specials is don't you film it and then try to sell it? So that was probably like, like you didn't know where it was going to go when you filmed it, right? Yeah. Yeah. And not everybody, you know, and it's, there's that too. I mean, a lot of people, there's certain comedians that they're much more famous than me and have bigger followings. They get the, they get like a deal up top and they get a bunch of money and they, they know when they're filming a special, they're filming it for Netflix or Hulu or whatever. And, you know,

I don't need to get into all the like details, but that wasn't my story and that's okay. So it's just, I don't know. This has been a time in my life where I'm like, this shit is hard and it's so up and down. And I'm glad I have like supportive, obviously Raina and my husband and my friends and family, but where you're on such a high. And then like, I had an event last night and my husband came home. I was like crying in a towel. Like he was like, what is going on? Like, aren't you excited? Your special is coming out. And I'm just like, I don't know. You know, it's just crashing out fully. Oh my gosh. You're crashing out. It's being like so vulnerable because it is the thing that you care about the absolute most. And it's

just you like I totally get it yeah that's it like I mean and I talk to Raina a lot we're like you know we'll just circle the drain on whatever it is over and over back and forth with voice notes and she's we both live in that world of like I'm proud of this if you don't like it you don't like me it's subjective comedy subjective music is subjective podcast taste is subjective but you just still hope that it's well received well I have to say I watched it this morning it is so funny it's so funny I love it so much and it's so I love how you go through like the whole I mean like dating to meeting your fiance like everything like I think it's just it's so relatable to so many women and the thing that I found the most genius and the special is when you

talked about using TaskRabbit as a dating app. Oh my God. That was my note. That was my note. To me, I'm like, damn it. Because TaskRabbit didn't really exist when I was single. But if I was, that is the most genius thing I have ever heard in the entire world. Because you can search, you can look at their picture. Like that's what's my job. They're searching headshots. Yes. They're all also actors and models here in LA. That's the whole bit. But it's in Handy. When I moved here, and handy that's the whole thing so I moved here I'm like called a task grab and I'm like wait a minute they're so much hotter than New York Atlanta all the other places I've ever lived and I'm like these guys are all actors and models and they're coming to your house and they're just

building your furniture while you watch it's like it's like the hottest thing ever we went on a date I'm telling you like this isn't a bit like I we did date me that being the task rabbit was he a Painter? What was he? He just, like, put together my bed frame. And in the special, I did. Yeah, I was like, let's test it out. So, like, you're scrolling, and then you're like, oh, this is, like, a carpenter. And so you, like, go and you, like, take a baseball bat to, like, your dining room table.

Yes. You just keep moving, so they'll come, like, put together your house. But, of course, he comes in. He, like, tells me he's an actor. I'm like, of course. This is right when I moved to L.A., when you really start to realize everybody's trying something. You're surrounded. and he had like he did have like one part in one movie and I did watch it and was like I

can't I can't go out with him again it wasn't even speaking it was it was brutal and I was like you've been doing this for like 20 years that's the highlight I don't I just don't think and then my bed frame started to creak I was like I can't you're not good at anything you're not even good yeah I do want to jump in and say here comes the bride is out now you can watch it on YouTube and Prime video it is so funny and I will say this I actually hate stand-up comedy shockingly like I don't get sometimes I don't get it Ash I don't get it like I'm like I'm forced to watch you and sometimes it's not funny your brand of stand-up is exactly the right one and it's very reminiscent and I mean this with like I hope this is like not well it probably is offensive but like it has a

little flavor of Nikki Glaser which I think people love so if they're like oh I don't know if I'd like this like it's very I don't even know if that's technically the right thing but like it's like based in realism and you're not like going it's based in your own life and that's what makes it so funny and your timing is like just so the little asides that you throw are just you're really good at it like you can tell you put in the work and you were like this moment is meeting the opportunity because it's it's I never laugh like I literally don't I'm too sad of a person too many prozacs and I was listening I was listening and watching to it while I was doing stuff and I would just like be in my hallway and I'd be like like I would just bust out so much

it's so funny so much I mean really good I love comedy in person I don't know how you guys like maybe even I love it I don't know Jack I'm curious what you think about like live music like I really love to be in a comedy club obviously I'm there performing sometimes but I enjoy comedy in person when there's the energy in the room but comedy specials can be tough and they're to what they're just they feel so they can feel really one-dimensional and I don't I don't know so I watch a lot where I'm like oof you know and I appreciate the comment about Nikki I mean she was the first person I really feel like I looked up to and the stuff that she talked about and I just like I love her and she's a friend and so but I also just I really lean into like the

storytelling that's the kind of comedy I prefer I want to get to know somebody like I don't love and especially I feel like a male trait a lot is like joke punchline joke punchline observational you leave and you don't know anything about that person so I just think it's nice when you're like I feel like I understand what this person's about when you watch an hour of them talk about their life I have a question Jack we'll get to your good week bad week sorry we're really going off topic But I want to know. So when I when I watch female comedians like Nikki Glaser, like you, I'm like, I know how like ugly dudes get into comedy. Right. Like it's like there's a pipeline. OK. And that makes sense to me. But like, for what is your origin story? What kind of hot girl decides to go into like a grimy stand up comedy, like do the grind, do the thing like I want to know, where did it spark? How did

you get yourself from thinking about it to actually standing on stage in front of people? It's terrifying. So I always felt like being funny was my value. When I was growing up, I just really wanted to be well liked and popular. And I think I realized at a young age, like it's not going to be for my looks. I mean, like as a kid, like I was just not like one of the like pretty girls in my town. And those were my friends. And I think I realized at a young age, like, oh, I make people laugh like early on, like first grade show and tell went up and just crushed. I was like, I should do this forever. So I really, and I was always making my family laugh. Like that was just kind of how I made friends. Even going off to college, I felt really

out of place coming from the North and going to school in the South. And I just think I always knew that's why people liked me. I mean, for other reasons too, but I think you, you know, you figure out what your value is as you move through the world. And I always watched Chelsea lately and I just really looked up to her and the comedians that would be on the round table when I was, I guess, in my twenties. And I was like, I should do this. Everything I want to do, I feel like all the people I look up to have done standup and it feels like the most terrifying thing in the world. And I was like, I'm going to do it before I'm turned 30, which is a little later in life but I have a story that I think a lot of people have is I went to an open mic in

Atlanta and it was a friend that was trying to stand up for the first time and she was good enough like but it was it was I was just yeah it wasn't good it was the first time doing it like so like open mic is so rough but I know but then I'm like I can do that you know I think so many comics have this story of going to an open mic and being like I can do that like you go to the comedy seller, you go to the comedy store, you're like, I can't do that. But those people have been doing that for 10, 15, 20 years. So when you see the lowest level and you're like, oh, that's all it takes, that's the entry point. I can handle that. So I, and I've talked to other comics that have had that story and they've gone to some dusty basement in New York city where people are doing

one to two minutes and they're like, I can figure that out. So I was like, I'm going to do it. And that's when I started in Atlanta and then I moved to New York and, um, took it more seriously. And we started the podcast and then I got in at the stand, the club in New York. And that's when I started taking it like really seriously. And, uh, then I, yeah, the rest, I guess this history, but that's, that's not really what you asked, but when you. No, it is for sure. It's that moment of like being like, I could do this. But there's to your point of just whether it's men or women, people that aren't sloppy and are put together and want to look nice and be on stage and look presentable and wash their hair and pick an outfit out like that is it that's the that's not the old

it that's kind of a newer style like it did just used to be dusty guys who it was they you know you don't want to look like you're trying it's not about what you look like you're just supposed to go up there and be funny and so people like Nikki Nikki has inspired me she inspired me a lot to dress up more on my last tour last year. Like when I toured in 2022, I was like, you know, jeans and whatever. I mean, I, you know, wash my hair, but I seen her really lean into, I'm going to wear a dress and a stiletto, like her whole tour. I don't know how she does it, just footwear and comfort. But seeing that you're like, oh, people are paying to see me out. Why not look good? Yeah. Yeah. It's like feminine, which we don't really see a lot in comedy. I love it. And

you are hot and your ass looked great in that wedding dress. Okay. Jacqueline, take us home. I don't need to do my good week, bad week. Yeah, you do because when I don't allow you to do things, people get upset. People yell at me. Oh my God. Okay. So I'm going to start with my bad week. So Ashley, I have been dealing with a lifetime of constipation. I have this like crazy bloating that's happened recently. See, we couldn't miss this. Lots of gut issues. I mean, listen, it is a very, it's a disturbing bad week. Lots has been going on in my guts recently. So I've been going to the doctor doing all these things. I got a colonoscopy, yada, yada, yada. Yesterday I had a rectal exam. Okay. So that means they're going to, they're going to do some stuff up there.

So to prep for the rectal exam, I had to take not one, but two enemas, those big fleet ones that are about the size of this cup. There's all that liquid that you're putting up your butt. So if anybody, have you ever taken an enema before? Have you had to do that? Yeah. Remember you had to teach me how? Not you, Ashley. Oh. but I have a lot of like butt issues this is a part of my brand too but different stuff like I don't need to get into it trust me I'm getting into it no it's like I've it's been it's less of

the constipation and more just like stuff's always happening back there but I don't know lots of stuff like I had to see a colorectal surgeon and like I had a cyst thing that they were like it's something else I thought I was gonna have a surgery like it's been persistent So you understand. There's a new podcast that just launched called Butt Sisters. Girls got a butt. So the butt gang. So anyways, I had to take these two massive enemas and it is like it's such a it's horrible. It's a horrible thing to do to have to put that much liquid up your butt. And I've done one before. Two was almost unbearable. And the worst part is I barely even pooped after that. And I'm like all of this to like have a little bit of poop. And they do it

so like you can clear things out before they like stick stuff up there. So, which is so funny because I'm so constipated that I'm like, I didn't need to do this. Nothing will come out anyways because I'm out of probing. But now I have goo seeping out of my butthole as I'm like trying to go to this doctor. So I go to the doctor, the nurse is like, okay, change into the gown, change into the gown. Then a man walks through the door. A man is going to be my nurse. Why is a man here? So he comes in and he's like, okay, well like lay on your side. And he's like, I'm going to stick up this, this catheter up your bottom. He keeps calling it my bottom. I'm going to stick this catheter up your bottom. It's like six inches long. He goes,

please bear down while I can put it up there. He puts it up there. It hurts. And he's like, now we're going to do like a series of exercises. And I'm like any situation that I'm in, that's like uncomfortable. I'm like, let's like crack a joke. You know, I'm like, ha ha. Like this, it's just like going to the gym and he's like he's like actually like we need to take this seriously so he's got scolded by your butt nurse there's no woman in that whole office that could have done this like truly so there was like a nurse like his assistant was a woman but like okay in the room yeah it's you know i hate a man doctor that's touching my butt and my vagina so but it's whatever he was so nice that like i can't be mad at him so he you know we start doing the

exercises. You have to like squeeze the catheter in and then you have to cough and then you have to pretend that you're taking a shit and all of it hurts. It hurts. It's not great. And then he's like, okay, well now I'm going to blow the balloon up that's in the catheter. And you tell me when you feel like you have to have a bowel movement. So he blows the balloon up. I'm like, okay, I have to, like this hurts. And he's like, now we're going to do it again, but you have to wait until it feels like that you can't hold it in anymore. And I was like, okay. So then we do that. It was horrible. And he's like, OK, we're going to take the catheter out. Thank God. He's like, now we're going to put a different one in. This one's bigger. This is a nightmare. Just kill me.

I'm like, this is it's over for me. I can't live like this. And I have like a really high pain tolerance and I'm really good with medical, like weird medical stuff. And even I was like, I'm starting to sweat. I'm like, this is so bad. He's like, OK, here's the bigger catheter. And this one also has a balloon and we're going to fill the balloon with water. And then after we fill the balloon with water up your butt. Now I'm going to tape the side of it to your side. You're going to get up, go to the bathroom, and try to poop the balloon out of your butt. It sounds like you're making it up as you go. No, this is a new television show.

I am traumatized. I'm traumatized. So then I have to waddle into the bathroom. I can't believe we were going to skip this, too. This is the most important thing. Sorry, Ashley. Your special is amazing, but Jack? No. And you guys, this happened less than 24 hours ago. So I'm still scarred. So I have to waddle into the bathroom. The nurse is like standing outside the door and she's like, okay, well try to push it out. And so I'm in there and I'm like trying, and I know this is constipation. I know. I'm like, when something isn't coming out, it's not coming out. So the first time I try to push, I'm like, this isn't happening. And she's like, you need to push as hard as you can for one full minute. so I'm pushing the goo from the enema is like seeping out around it it's not coming out and finally I'm like I can't get it out so then she comes in and she's like okay well now we're gonna empty the water from the balloon so she like takes it out with like a syringe and then just like pulls it out of my butthole as I'm just like standing in the bathroom and it's covered with

like a gooey gooey poop like a little sad condom like after you take the condom off yeah like on the catheter that's like this big as big as my finger and she like pulls it out and just like throws the goo into the into the um trash can and so that is this normal like is this real is this actually like what they do this sounds crazy it sounds like you went somewhere well and the whole time so then it's like connected to a machine so he's like testing how my muscles are working and stuff. And they're not, they're not working. And you told them that you didn't need to do this. We know that they're not working. I was like, I couldn't, I could not poop the balloon out. And so I failed the test. So I don't know what that means. I guess I'll get my results

from my doctor in like a week. And so that was my, that was my day yesterday. Pretty fun. I'm like sweating. At one point Ashley was like this, like the, just, I want a freeze frame of your, like, just disgust. It was as bad as it seems. It's also, I'm also really fucking annoyed. I'm not disgusted. I just, like, feel for you. No, disgusted by the experience of, like, her having to. Yes, I'm disgusted.

Horrified. I'm disgusted. You know what? The goo was a little much. If you can check, when you book a massage, if you can say, like, male or female, and they're just rubbing your fucking triceps or your

whatever, traps, you can't give me that option of like who's gonna touch my butthole i mean i'm sure i'm sure i could have i didn't think about it because they should ask they should ask because all my physical therapists i guess i didn't well when you go to like the pelvic floor physical therapy where they're sticking things up your vagina and butt like you see the name of the doctor and so you could be like oh well sarah is obviously a woman but not the roster of nurses no no it was fine i had this um situation here. I was just visiting. I didn't live here yet. I was visiting here from New York. And this thing kind of, I had already seen a doctor in New York. I just had like a cyst kind of in

my butt crack and it was really uncomfortable. And I went to an urgent care and I went to, I saw a doctor in New York. They shot some cortisone in and she sent me on my way and I just didn't really. So, but it, I came to LA. I mean, I sat on the plane to get here and I came to LA, just was ignored. I took a yoga class. I did all the things wrong and it flared up. I couldn't sit down. I was like, I can't, I can't live. We had like recordings. I had comedy shows. I was like, I don't know what to do. I don't even live here. So I go to this urgent care in West Hollywood and go into the room with this. Well, if you're going to go to an urgent care for butt stuff, West Hollywood is where to go. The perfect place. Yeah. Right off of Santa Monica. And this

male doctor, he, he, I had to tell him what was going on. Male, whatever physician. He, I pulled down my pants and like bent over, like he's in my butt crack. And he literally goes, I'm going to go get a woman like he said that and I was like thank god he was kind of hot I was like this shouldn't be a meet cute but it's not here we are and so she took me into this room and like I was she I was face down ass up and she was like I'm gonna there was a she was like I'm gonna manually drain this yeah and she it was she poked me and prod of me like the um numbing solution and everything. And to your point, she was like, you're going to feel a lot of pressure and then a lot of relief. And I say, so kind of like anal. And that did not land. Like I was, again,

just trying to, and I feel like she knew I was bluffing. Like she was like, that's not even, she's like, you won't be having this problem. And she got it done. And it was traumatic. Like having some just being on your stomach ass in the air i mean thank god it was a woman but just figuring this out and she sent me on my way and i just like went back to the hotel and laid there for two days i think every man whose wife is about to have go into labor have a baby should be should be sent to something like just to get the balloon but yeah yeah let's like let's start like a whole scam where we say that guys have to go get something with their prostate and shove balloons up their asses in goo because that is balloons. Like the bull. I what's Jack? What's

next? Like what? Now what? Well, it's not about movement, Ash. Thanks for asking. I just I feel so like, what do we do now? Like, what's the answer? You know, I have been traumatized in this journey and I have had no answers. So it just it's just more things up my butt and no no poop coming out of it. You know, why is your sphincter so weak? I don't know. I don't think it is that's the thing is this a birth defect i was shocked we don't like calling her weak she's creative her her sphincter is artisanal it is it creates in its own time well you know what for my pelvic floor therapy they did tell me that my muscles were working normally which is why i'm very disappointed in myself that i failed pushing the balloon out of my butt yesterday

because i'm like i thought i didn't think this was the issue right you had stage fright you're upset you should have had a beta blocker and i was also like tired you know yeah it's exhausting to not poop those muscles and then with the yeah it was a lot anyways we can move on all right listen when we come back we're gonna do some more lady takes we gotta i'm barfing in the car we'll be right back you're listening to the lady gang okay we are back with ashley her new special here comes the bride premieres uh it's already out on prime video and youtube it is so good you can also make sure to check her out on girls gotta eat podcast which you already are because when i was doing my research on this you guys are like in the top charts right now you also

can get a great vibrator now no offense to you ashley i prefer the reina it's a clit sucking vibrator double ended um from their company vibes only i love the district discrete packaging nobody knows I'm getting a new vibrator and it is very excellent work. Okay. We've prepared some lady takes. So I'm going to say a statement and then I'm going to have you guys agree, disagree, discuss. Here we go. My first lady take is restaurants should stop singing happy birthday to adults. Yes. Unless you request it, I guess. But yeah, hard agree. We went out recently and to this restaurant. I was in Delaware. I was home and the server, he goes, is it anyone's birthday here? And I was like, he wants to sing because he's not really a waiter. Do they have a specific

song for that restaurant? No, you guys don't even. So I go, my friend was in the bathroom. I was like, it's her birthday. You know, I was like, we'll with her. So she, and her birthday was the following month. It wasn't too much of a lie. And I was like, they're going to do a whole thing. We're going to get free dessert at least. Right. I'm here for the, he came over him and the manager, just, he brought the manager, two people. And I was like, please God, they can't, there's not going to be a duet happening. And so they come over and they were like, is it someone's birthday here? And they make like a whole thing. They had an envelope in their hand. And we were like, it's her birthday. She was like, what is happening? They just hand her like a gift card

for a free appetizer and walked away from the table. I'm like, first of all, where's the ice cream? And we were, we thought we were going to do a thing here. It was the funniest thing that you asked they yes this whole like is it anyone's we do something special here it's a free app for next time it was insane but it's probably like a free app with a meal purchase like there's we couldn't use it for that meal no okay yeah if i am going up to order and i'm putting in my own order on a touch screen i'm not tipping i do tip i want everyone to know i do tip but we're out of control guys we're out of control around i found a workaround what is it you order a pickup on doordash and then there's no option there's no moment of them being like they're gonna ask you

a couple questions just like but then you also tip your doordasher then you're tipping no but You pick up your own DoorDash. You pick it up, your own. There's not a DoorDash fee? It can't be. Honestly, I don't know. I haven't checked. I'm not good with money.

But I did notice last time I got a smoothie. Oh, my God. I got a smoothie, and I was like, oh, my God. And I go to the smoothie shop all the time, and I have the same thing. The smoothies are like $40. So if I'm tipping 10%, like, I'm up to $50 almost. So I'm like, I'm a little like, and I don't want to be a dick. And so I did a DoorDash pickup, not meaning to skip that moment.

But then I walk up and I'm like, oh, I'm picking up for Becca. And then they hand me the smoothie and I walk out and I felt like, well, that's the hack. Oopsies. That's the hack. Whoops. Sorry. So tipping culture is out of control. Restaurants and whoever should pay their employees a livable wage.

So there's that. I tip every time because I can afford it. And I don't want someone being like, Ashley has the time, doesn't tip. there is the fear of that on my record but it's so like i think both things are true yeah i agree yeah i always tip because i'm like oh i remember when i was living off tips like it's but it's like the things that i'm tipping on like i don't need to tip for this eye exam well now that is kind of a service but like if you buy a t-shirt now like you can buy a t-shirt from a store online and then they ask you to tip from an online store. No, no, no, no. I'm like, what is

this? You have to have made something of coffee, like service. Thank you. That feels like a slap in the face that feels like truly you need to pay our employees, not us. That's crazy. Thank you. If you buy a t-shirt. And stop blaming tariffs. Yeah. Right. Okay. There are too many states in America. We need to get rid of 10. What 10 are we cutting? Because in Canada, there's only 11 and we're good. And I know the names and capital cities of all of them. There are some states. I don't know where they are. I don't know why they are. Oh, my God. North Carolina, South Carolina. We can consolidate. Consolidate. Florida, Florida, Texas, Mississippi, Alabama, Missouri. Can just be down there. Louisiana. Louisiana can go. I mean, no offense to all these people,

whatever but let's just be real here they're the same we need to secede thank you i feel like is seattle i feel like oregon and california can just become one no yeah i think washington oregon yeah they can see washington oregon and then the montana colorado you can go skiing should just be one like colorado utah you know that whole area just one ski and we just call it Yellowstone the new state of Yellowstone oh I love that so if it feels like Yellowstone it's there I think the northeast no offense to Delaware but like I don't even know where Delaware is I have no idea I know there's a really good like where is it on the east coast is it by the Great Lakes oh my god Delaware's like an hour from Philly like it's

Pennsylvania New Jersey Delaware Maryland that's the area no clue yeah like I grew up like yeah so that northeast they those states up there did develop their own like health care thing i remember something and like the way they mapped it out it was like this should be its own country like there's no way we can be united states with 50 states like they're we're never going to be united like that's like a slap in the face to even call us that anymore 50 states we there's no way no no no it's impossible okay um my next hot take is that i love that my phone is listening to me and gives me what i want based on fbi level surveillance you know at this point you can't get away from it so yeah whatever just tell me what i need to know like oh my god you need this sticker

to put on so it's not watching you watch me bitch they're watching you no matter what yeah we're so i'm fine might as well get a cute shirt just yeah i mean love it and hate it but i'm i agree it makes my life easier yeah um when people get married at a destination wedding and then they break up, they should reimburse their travel costs. I have a lot of feelings about destination weddings and what people should cover for their guests. But we spend a lot. We spend a lot. And if it's not worth it, yeah, I'll take it back for sure. What do you guys think about gifts for destination? No, you should not. No, the gift is you paying all the money that you paid to get there yeah no no okay hard agree yeah yeah because I've already given you the gift at the shower and

if you're having a destination wedding I think you can't put any pressure on anybody coming like including like your parents you could just be like this is what I'm doing and take it or leave it I'm not holding yeah and I think that's the correct energy like and that's mostly what I see at this age I think people are shit yeah going on yeah and they realize they're not the first person to ever get married and like if people can't make it we're elder the 20 year olds out of control okay in honor of your special here comes the bride which is freaking hilarious everyone we're gonna link it directly in our newsletter this week so you get an all there's no excuse to not go watch watch and love her um i i think that my before you get married you should break up just

one time agreed what because you know what it's a glimpse of in case if you do head for divorce you're going to see what that person's going to be like, what their character is like when you are broken up. Oh, I never did it. I didn't. I didn't do it either with Chris, but I, I do think you didn't. I did. You did. Right before Zach proposed, I freaked out and we broke up. And for like five days. Yeah. I mean, I probably didn't talk about it, but for five days I was like okay and he did what I know he will do if one day we do divorce he ceased to exist oh he went and then you loved him more dead ass this is how he got me back he went dead ass silent he's like okay this is your decision you walked away that's the worst I was like wait what so for five days I

was like gone poof out of your life like magician and then how did you guys get back together you were like, I miss you. Because for five days I was like, well, he's not like jumping on a plane, like surprising me and like trying to win me back. And then he's not like calling me. He's not even checking in. He's not even asking my friends about me. He's not, he's gone with the wind by. And that is when I was like, I have to have him. I have to have him. He can clearly live without me and I need him back. That's amazing. He will never fight for me. And I love that about no that just hurts divorce would be so easy but divorce would be so easy because you wanted it right right true true but he would just be like okay we're done okay you're dead to me bye yeah

but imagine he was the one that wanted to divorce you and then he did that that would literally be i would probably i don't even know what i would do oh my god did you guys read strangers i was just gonna say i would be bell burden like she just in the in the middle of the night bye oh my I don't love you anymore. Farewell. Okay. Anyway, we got to go. Ashley, you're amazing.

Congratulations on your special. Here comes the bride. Can't wait for your next special. Here comes the, here comes the bell movement. This might be it. To feature in Jack Vanek. Here comes the bell movement. Collab.

Here comes the balloon. An opening act by Jack Vanek. We're so happy to support you. Congratulations on everything. Thank you so much, you guys. I love you guys. Bitch, we'll see you next Tuesday. Lady Gang is hosted and produced by Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jack Vanek with social

media support from Kali Carrera, audio and video editing from Jared Monaco, and additional support from Steve Delameter and Podcast One.