LadyGang - How to want to F*ck Your Husband with Vanessa Marin

Episode Date: March 10, 2026

Why does the flirting stop after marriage? Why does it feel like men always want it more (or… do they)? Why does sex start to feel like climbing Mount Everest? Licensed psychotherapist and sex therapist Vanessa Marin (host of Pillow Talks) joins LadyGang for a very honest conversation about sex in long-term relationships. The ladies get real about mismatched libidos, the pressure of infrequent sex, lingerie fatigue, and the emotional meaning behind “I want to feel close to you.” Vanessa breaks down the truth about desire in long-term love and shares practical tools to rebuild intimacy — including her 60-second “GET Intimate” formula (Gratitude, Eye Contact, Touch) and why quickies might actually save your sex life.We have deals for YOU!!Boll & Branch: Sleep sound! Get 15% off your first order plus free shipping at BollAndBranch.com/ladygang with code "ladygang"Progressive: Need car insurance? Head to Progressive.com to see how much you can save!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Mornings without coffee, road trips without snacks, movies without popcorn. Without our favorite foods, we'd miss out on all our favorite moments. Learn more at canadasfoodsystem.ca. Well, what is this? Welcome to the Lady Gang. That's amazing. Say that again. The Lady Gang. Things are about to change around here.

Each week we catch up with Hollywood's hottest girl posse. Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jack Vanek. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to Lady Gang. I am Becca Tobin, here with Jack Vanek and Kelty Knight. Hello. Hi, guys. How's it going? I'm very excited about this episode because I need it, and so do so many other people,

because I recently realized that no one is having sex with their husbands. a new realization I was literally at this party and we were all talking about it and then this girl who's coming on Vanessa was like oh this is what I do this is what my podcast is about and I was like we need you because it's just hard and it's like yeah we're gonna talk about it anyway well I mean I'll just say it like for a while I did this stupid thing when I would be out at like parties or socializing where I'd have like a few cocktails. And then that was like my thing that I always talked about is like, do you want to fuck your husband? And you know how I am. I exaggerate. I really like go in, you know, it's very theatrical. You're like, we haven't had sex

in 25 years. And I'm like, let me fuck a stranger. Like I really took it. I took the bit and I went too far, you know, like a bridge too far as I always do. And Zach will literally look at me be like could you not like it's just but we had sex this morning like we were in the shower an hour ago like come on but I I do think it's like there's strength in numbers and if we can all just I like when women have these and the reason I did it so much is because I hate on Instagram where people are like oh just more date nights and give up get a massage together and no thanks I'm like no I'm and so I like when I like hearing from other women that those things don't work either yeah but they do it in like secret like I had a girlfriend of mine like when I saw her and she

was like so like how often are you like and you know it's like we're all so ashamed because on top of everything else we're supposed to do in our lives we're like it's our fault obviously if we're not sexy enough like come on yeah no anyway okay well all right um it's now actually time for. Good week. Yes, it is. Bad week. Oh, no. Jack's going. Okay. So I am going to start with my bad week. I am still searching for Facebook Marketplace. I'm on there every single day. And there is a new epidemic that has happened on Facebook Marketplace. And this is that boomers have gotten a hold of ChatGBT and they are AI-ing all of their Facebook Marketplace listings. and it's so bad like it's so bad everything looks like it's in this like perfect condition

beautifully lit like whatever and then you go to like the fifth photo and you're like this is a piece of garbage yeah but it's like you can so tell because you know millennials it's like we have tact and like we can use chat gbt to like enhance an image a little bit but it's like It's all over the place now. I'm like, the boomers got it. Now it's jump the shark. Weren't people just murdered doing an exchange? Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

I was like, what are you looking for on Facebook Marketplace? Oh, no. Number one, Jared does everything. No, no. It doesn't matter. They're still going to come to your house even if Jared's there and they could hurt you. I mean, that's true. But.

You do a true crime podcast. Jack, come on. Facebook Marketplace. Every time now that I think to go sell something, I'm like, is it worth my life? Yeah. Is it worth the $35? Although I did great. No, but we've been selling some expensive stuff on Facebook Marketplace. But how else are you going to get rid of it? You know what? There should be a new business where it's like a broker, a middleman, an escrow, an escrow service for

Facebook Marketplace. It's a location. It's like one of those lockers. It's called a consignment house. There's literally one here. No, no, no, no. Where I go on, I'm like, I'm going to sell this mattress or this headboard or whatever. And then there's a drop off point, like an Amazon locker. I know. But then you like, what if you have a huge couch and you don't? Well, thank God Jared got a truck now. So now we can go drop or pick anything up. But like, what if you don't? How are you getting your big ass piece of furniture somewhere? It's got to work with TaskRabbit. Yeah, it's a lot of strangers. Well, I I have enjoyed my experience mostly because Jared does all the work because I'm like, Jared, I'm a woman. They're going to kill me.

But not you. So that's my excuse. It's not an excuse because I really don't want anybody knowing where I live. But it's been hard now because of the AI. I don't know what anything is anymore. You might just have to stop. I think you should stop. I have an addiction.

I know. Every morning and night and five other times. Well, it's better than Reddit. It's better than Reddit. Well, it's... I don't know. Reddit can't kill you, Kelty. It can kill your soul.

It could. It does. Start searching yourself on Reddit. On a daily basis. Thank you so much for the feedback, everyone on Reddit. Just kidding. Okay, so my good week is, I mean, it's, again, I don't know if anything's really good week, bad week.

I am trying to find a solution for sleeping in my hair, not in my hair, with my hair, to make it last more than a day. So Jared and I usually braid each other's hair every night. It's a very bonding experience. It's very cute. But I have the finest, thinnest hair that if I do a braid, the bottom is kinky as hell

and the top is flat and greasy. So I have been on a mission to try to figure out what to do with my hair while sleeping in like a protective hairstyle I got one of those buns you know the buns scrunchie bun and you like wrap it around the bun yeah so that's like kind of worked I've tried like one of those like sleeping like wraps on your head you just use that k18 I was just gonna say shampoo that Becca said it's so good really the air wash yes the air wash is it It is. But then it's mostly, it's mostly doing, it's the top doesn't match the bottom and my hair gets so greasy after one day, but then it's not colored. I know. I hate to tell you this, but we

are lucky in many ways. We're not the girls that can get the blowout on a Thursday and like, be like, I went through the whole weekend. I will look like shit if I like take a 20 minute nap in a hair salon. So we just have to embrace it. And we just have to, the lucky part about having fine hair is that it doesn't take 8 million years for us to wash and dry it. That's true. And I'm like, is, is the washing your hair a lot an old, like, is that a myth that it's bad for your hair? Cause I'm like, I'm like, I could wash it every day. I watched a video of Chris McMillan and he was like, you're not shampooing three times. You're doing it wrong. I was like three. I thought it was overzealous in there. Three at one shower? Yes. Oh, I do the double, but wow. Okay. Maybe

I'm into a detox shampoo, too. Yeah, detox shampoo. Well, my thing is it's like I've just been so – I feel very ugly very easily. And I'm like I'm trying to do things in my normal life where I'm like at least with my hair down, I feel a little bit better than when I pull it up and I'm like thinning on the sides. So, yeah. Maybe I'll try the K18 thing. Try it.

It's really good. All right. Who's next? I'll go. I have really exciting news that you're going to hate, Jack. What? What? that my doctor does pills and not drinks for colonoscopies.

I've heard this. Are you getting one? Yeah. I've heard this. I don't know why. Why was I subjected to this horror when there's another option? I was at my appointment last week, like my initial appointment, and they're like talking through it all with me. And they were like, okay, so this pharmacy will drop off your medication, like they'll actually deliver it to your house. So it's really good. And I was like, well, how do I get the, is that the drink? Is that how I get it? And they were like, oh,

no, no, no. We're not doing the drink. We're doing, it's these, it's pills. That's it. Yeah. I was like, wait, I was dreading this so much. No. And that's the worst. I mean, the colonoscopy is bad, but the prep is literally horrendous. Like it's life-ruining. But there's also like people or doctors that just do Miralax, which is so easy because Miralax doesn't taste like anything. Maybe it just doesn't work for people as well. It probably wouldn't work for me. But like, I know I heard that after I've done my colonoscopy and I'm like, thank you so much, doctor, for this. Yeah. But my bad week is also in the colonoscopy space is that I did. I hate that like in this podcast, we went from like Jack going on

fun dates. With Josh Duhamel. With Josh Duhamel, like a date date with Josh Duhamel. And now we're like, our podcast lands in the colonoscopy space. Well, that's grown up, you know. Here's my bad week is the reason I'm getting one. So I'm not yet like of age for your insurance to pay for it. I think it's 45 is like when your insurance will pay or whatever. And so I had to go in early because I was feeling like just odd. My bowel movements have been just a little bit different. They've just been a little bit off and it's been several weeks. Nothing really has changed. And I was saying when I, this is disgusting, so I'm sorry. But I said, when I go to the bathroom, I feel like I'm not fully getting it all out. And it almost feels like there's like

a tennis ball sitting or a golf ball sitting at like the end of my, like not on the outside, not like a hemorrhoid, but like, I feel like there's a blockage, right? And so I started to get very paranoid. I'm like, what if it's an actual blockage? Like it's just very much I'm spiraling, whatever. So I was talking to the doctor, she's wonderful. And I just was describing this and she goes, you know, what could be happening is since you have, you have been in here before for hemorrhoids, you know, um, when I go in there, there is a chance that the feeling that you're feeling is actually a large internal hemorrhoids. I have internal hemorrhoids. Is that what's causing your poo stopping up? No, that's just another thing. Wow. But could they remove

them? Could they remove them in the colonoscopy? I asked and she said, no, unfortunately, we'll just be able to kind of take stock of what's happening. And then we can set up you to get even the banding done. Or if it's more invasive, if it's gonna be more invasive, I have to go to colorectal surgeon, whatever. Listen, I'm jumping away ahead of the gun. Like it's probably clean as a whistle and I'm all in my head. But I am just thinking that I feel like that is what's happening is there's just a bundle of grapes that's just at the very, very end of my intestines. It very well could be. That's a real thing. So when are you getting it done? Two weeks. Well, I'll keep you posted. Oh, my God. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Look at us. Kelty, aren't you due for your colonoscopy? I'm changing our podcast heading on Apple Podcasts away from like pop culture and TV and film to like health and wellness. Buttholes. Buttholes. Okay. My good bad week. My bad week is that I, this is a couple weeks ago, but I did want to bring it up. I was a cunt at the Super Bowl. I'm just letting you guys know. To who? To Chris. I was a dick. I do not think the Super Bowl is fun. I know. It's not fun at all. I hated every minute of it. And I acted like that. I was a cunt. And I was a total bitch to Chris. I just was a dick. Like, I just was not having fun, not into it, not interested.

It's so many people. It's too many people. It's too many men. It's too many fried foods. I mean, I like the fried food part, but... All that sounds great to me. Men and fried food. Yeah.

It was very uncomfortable. And then I got after him because there was this moment where I was like, we should go... Because all of his bosses were there. I was like, we should go say hi to your bosses and stuff. And he was like, no, they don't want to see me. And I was like, damn, like... I mean, it's true. They don't.

No one wants to see anyone, you know? But I was like, man, I just really want to, because I wanted to get in front of them and be like, when is Chris getting a promotion? Like that, I wanted to evil genius. And he probably knew that. And so he didn't put me in that position. So then I was really proud because we got home.

Here's my good week. Chris got a promotion. He is now the executive vice president of Rock Nation. That's crazy. That's amazing. He got home and he was like, yeah, no, it's time. I need to ask for that. And here's the thing. People never, they don't hand out a promotion. They're not like, Hey, you're getting promoted. Like you have to ask. And he

said, he went to his bosses and he basically was like, Hey, this is like, you know, this is the work I'm doing. He's doing a lot, as you guys know, like around the world of like new business. And, and he got the title and I was so proud of him. So hopefully by the time it comes out, it's officially announced in the public or I've ruined that for him. Um, and then I have one little hot good week that i want to just add i went to a scary in person um i went to a dinner a theater and an interactive theater play in la called the willows and it's for murder jack you would love it you go to this house and they pull you out and it's an interactive theater they take you around and someone is murdered and it is it's a murder mystery night it's a murder mystery night

the actors are incredible there was a moment where one of the actors had me under a bed and he was like come hide here with me and like it was crazy and i had so much fun and i realized like super bowl i'm not meant to be there but like a live interactive theater event i love it it was so good i want to take you but will you and jared come this reminds me yes i would love to get split up it's like sleep no more but on i was just gonna say this reminds me sleep no more where I swear like I have a memory of someone like trying to like get me to breastfeed or something yes I had to lay on the floor and be like dead dead dead dead dead dead dead like it was really wild it was really fun anyway when we come back you're gonna fuck your husband

you've put off that upgrade long enough during the Hyundai upgrade your ride sales event finance a new Kona or Elantra from just zero percent and get a $500 bonus on select models And with the Elantra Hybrid's best-in-class fuel efficiency, you can also save at the pump. Upgrade today. Event ends September 30th. Based on Natural Resources Canada fuel consumption ratings, conditions apply. Visit HyundaiCanada.com or your local dealer for details. Now back to the Lady Gang. All right, guys, our guest today is a licensed psychotherapist with 20 years of experience in the sex therapy field.

I can barely say it, let alone have it. She's been featured in the New York Times, Oprah, and in Vogue and hosts the top rated podcast Pillow Talks, which is your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors

and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had. And she's here today to talk to us because she knows that we are not having sex with our husbands. And she knows that the world is on fire and we are very distracted and we just want to wear our cuddly soft jammies and socks to bed and take it ambient and go to

sleep. She also teaches a class on how to orgasm. We'll get to that this Thursday, but we are so excited to welcome to the Lady Gang, Vanessa Marin. Welcome, guys. I'm so excited to be here. We're excited to have you. You are probably a very highly requested topic on the Lady Gang. I mean, people love to talk about sex, right? Who doesn't? So true. Okay. So my first question, and this is just a personal question, is I know you do this work with your husband who is like not in the therapy, but his bio is like, I'm married to a sex therapist. How did that come about? Because I actually can't think of anything less sexy than

talking about sex constantly with my husband. Oh, interesting. Okay. So yeah, his official title is the regular dude. He has zero training, zero licenses, anything like that. So he originally started helping with my business when I started building online courses, things were taking off and I needed some help. But I had this hunch from the very beginning that I really wanted to get him in front of the camera. Because even though I'm trained as a therapist and my training tells me don't share anything about your personal life, you don't want to share anything going on with you, with sex, it feels really different to me. We're all embarrassed about it. We all have some amount of shame about it. We all secretly think I must be the only person in the world who's struggling

to have sex with my husband. And I realized like, I want to go first and show people an example of being brave and vulnerable and open. And the reality is with Xander, you know, we've been together 19 years this year. I don't know how I got old enough to be in a 19 year relationship, but we have a great relationship in sex life. And we've also been through a whole lot of shit. We've had periods of low libido, mismatched libido, performance issues, orgasm challenges. We've been through so many things and we've managed to muck our way through it and keep coming back to having a really great, connected, intimate sex life. So I want to show people that these ups and downs that we go through are normal and they're

overcomable too. This is the tough stuff. Okay. so there's there's so many we have our lady gang is everyone from like dating not dating to like new relationships and we've been doing this now for 10 years so like we met jack and she was single and she was like having one day stands with you know people and and then now we're all married and i think for me i'll go first i think the hardest thing is like i'm it's just a we're busy B, there's like a level of comfort and then there's C, I just am like, I'm like a typical

Kelty where I'm like, I could literally take care of this faster, easier by myself on a Saturday morning. Do you know what I mean? But on my list of manifestations for this year, one of my things was to explore my kinks and to like really have a robust sex life again. So that's why I'm excited you're here. But what is it like? And tell us we're normal because all of our friends, all of us, like there's sort of this unspoken rule of like, are we having a sex life that we like? You know, the only examples that we ever see of sex are on TV and in the movies. And we see that like the couple getting together, the, you know, overcoming some initial little challenge and then the happily ever after, but it always ends there. We see the hot and heavy at the

beginning of the relationship. And like everybody goes through that. We have that great chemistry at the beginning, but we never see what happens after the happily ever after. Like what happens when you've been together for so many years and you've seen them throw the socks to the side of the hamper instead of into it and leave the cup on the top of the counter instead of immediately beneath under the dish, like into the dishwasher. And so the reality is that most people feel really embarrassed that they're struggling in their sex life, not having very much sex, that the sex that they're having feels boring, predictable. I can tell you exactly what's going to happen because it's the same thing every single time. But the reality is most people

are pretty unhappy with their sex lives. They're feeling disconnected. They're not feeling very much desire. And yet, because we don't talk about it that openly, most of us feel very alone in that. Most of us are secretly lying in bed at the end of the night wondering, is something wrong with us? Am I not with the right person? Are we not actually compatible? But it's way more common than most people think. So I have a question. Like, I just think for women in general, we view intimacy differently. Like for me, especially, it's like, I feel very intimate with my husband when we're like cuddling on the couch or when we're like having like an amazing deep conversation. Like my intimacy, like is attached physically and sexually, but it's just, it's less sex and

it's more being close to each other, like in more of like a sweet way, I guess is how I feel about it. But like, what do you do about the mismatch? Because I feel like a lot of women aren't exactly how I am. But like, they view intimacy and feel intimacy differently than men that are like, I just want to be inside you. Like, that's how I feel the most intimate with you. I think of physical and emotional intimacy as two sides of the same coin. Like every relationship needs some of both of them. And there's typically in a relationship, there's one partner who wants to feel that emotional intimacy before physical intimacy and the other partner wants the exact opposite. Like I want to feel physical intimacy as a way to open up emotional intimacy. And it

tends to be women want the emotional intimacy first, men want the physical intimacy first. But I always ask myself how much of that comes down to socialization. Like we all were raised being taught constantly that we're not supposed to want sex. We're not supposed to be too overt about it. We don't want to be labeled sluts. And it's just not societally permissible for women to want sex or crave sex. Whereas men, they get an entirely different set of socialization. They're allowed to want sex, but they're not allowed to be emotional, to have emotions, to express emotions. I don't want to be a pussy, right? So I think a lot of it just comes down to what we've been taught we're allowed to have and allowed to want. But at the end of the day, I think in all relationships,

we want both things. And I think one of the really common misunderstandings that a lot of women have about men is we tend to think of sex as this purely physical act. It's just putting body parts in other body parts. I just want to get off. I just want to have an orgasm. And we tend to depersonalize when our husband or partner, boyfriend, whatever, like wants to be intimate with us. We think he's just trying to get off. He just wants to get some. But what men tell us is that physical intimacy is the time that they feel the absolute closest, the most vulnerable, the most open, the most present. Those are the moments to really catch him in that emotional intimacy and especially after sex. I find a lot of us are so quick to, we jump up and we run to

the bathroom, we grab our phone and we see what text messages we missed in the last three minutes, but we're missing that opportunity. Damn Vanessa, three minutes. Damn. Not trying to call anyone out. We're missing those opportunities to like linger in that moment with the connection that we hopefully just created with our partner. And the other piece of it too is, is we can bring emotional intimacy into sex. We don't have to view them as these two separate things, but I think ironically, a lot of women struggle with that because we're thinking of sex as just this physical act, because we are catering to our partner, like, oh, I don't need anything. You can just, you know, have your way, do your thing, whatever. We miss that opportunity to actually

create real intimacy during sex. I have a question for you just because I feel like when I'm with my girlfriends, a lot of them will say that their husbands complain about the frequency of the sex and we are all sitting there dumbfounded. Like, who are they talking to to think that they are the ones having the least amount of sex. There's some weird thing going on where I'm like, who are your friends with the slutty wives? I don't have dinner with them. I don't know who you're talking about. Like you guys are like, have this sob story, like you're never getting laid, but no man that's married is getting laid and stop making me feel like I'm less than of a wife. So I just want to like set this is really for my own selfish reasons. Like you obviously talk to men, women,

all of them. Would you say that like what percentage of couples, married couples, is this like the story that's being told? The men want it more and the wives are not giving it as much as they want. Okay. So interestingly, we surveyed our audience about this because that's always the classic story that you hear. The man's the one who wants it more. We did a poll and this is not scientific. This is just a little Instagram poll. And of course, our community, these are people who are consciously deciding to follow a sex therapist for sex advice. But in our community, 45% of male female relationships, the woman was the one with the higher sex drive. And that can be a really challenging situation for women because it brings up so much shame and embarrassment. I've had

seasons of our relationship where I've had higher desire than Xander. And it's so easy to take it personally. Like what's wrong with me? Isn't he supposed to be constantly harassing me? I'm seeing all these dumb Instagram reels about like, oh, you know, things that turn my husband on me just standing there. Like, why is that not happening with me? So I think those numbers are probably inflated over what the actual number is. But I think it is important to call out that a lot of times the woman is the one that has the higher desire. And there's an entirely different level of shame that comes up in those scenarios. Wow. I don't know. And for the men. I don't know her either. I've never met her. But Lady Gang, if you're out there, let us know. Be proud.

we want to find you. Like, I would love to know that. I think one of the things that I was really interested in having you on is you have an episode called When Your Husband Doesn't Know How to Flirt of your podcast. I want to talk about this because I do think that men do this thing to us where they make us fall in love with them. They bring us flowers and they flirt with us and they send us nice texts and then we marry them and then they forget how to flirt. And it's like, yes, it's my birthday thank you you know but it's like how do you why what do we do about the men I can I can tell you why they stopped they stopped because they got turned down so it's usually it's usually men who are initiating sex it's usually men who are you

know initiating a lot of like the physical contact and then they start you know you get to that part in the relationship at first in the in the relationship it's like you just look at each other and it's on and then it starts to get more complicated as time goes on. When men start getting rejected, they take it really personally. I mean, women, we do too, but I think we underestimate just how sensitive initiating any sort of, you know, not just sex, but even just like physical contact or flirtation. It feels so sensitive when your partner says no. And if you're in a scenario where your partner feels like they're pretty consistently being turned down, it's really easy for those walls to come up and for him to start thinking, you know what, I just, I'm not

going to bother. I'll let her come to me. I'll let her do it on her terms. And then as women, we notice that pulling away and, you know, we start feeling really sad. We start feeling lonely. We're wondering like, what the heck is going on? It's really the vulnerability of having to put yourself out there trying to connect with your partner. But I feel like with my husband, the flirting just to flirt stopped when we got married, for sure. The flirting to then lead to sex did continue. And I did turn him down because I was like, don't tell me that I look pretty right now because I see what you're doing. Because if I say, thanks, babe, thanks so much, then you start moving towards me and you think that's an invitation for sex. So it's like, how do we train

them to like be nice to us all be nice to me and look at me without then expecting us to have sex after this is something I hear about all the time from women and I think this is something men really underestimate is like we really just want kindness and it sounds so sad it sounds like the you know the the bar is in the basement kind of thing but women truly just want our partners to be interested in us, to be kind to us, and to have those kind of interactions separate from sex. Yeah. So this is something that we have to just be really specific with our partners about. And, you know, we get so much, we see so much in TV and the movies, like, you know, oh, the guy just, he knows me better than I know myself. He just knows what to do without me having to tell

him. Like we all have that secret desire that our partner can just read our mind. I have it all the time too. I get it. But the reality is like we have to teach our partners how we want to be loved. And men in particular, they really want to know. I cannot tell you how many times we talk to men where they're like, just tell me. I will happily do the thing, whatever the thing is. I just want to know what the thing is. And you may have felt like I've told them a million times. You may have felt like we've had this conversation before, but they just really need that repetition and they really need the specificity. So tell like identify what are three specific things that feel like fun flirtation to you. Because that's the other thing. Men don't understand general words like that. Like

if you tell a man just flirt with me or just be romantic with me, he doesn't know what that means. You have to get specific. So does flirting with you mean telling like crude jokes and like being really like giggly and silly with each other? Does it mean write me a little love notes? Does it mean slap me on the ass every time you walk by me. Like be specific because flirty for you is going to be really different than flirty for another woman. So we have to get specific about it. It's just bullshit though, Vanessa. Like honestly, like I have to do, I have to do everything. Like now I have to cheat. Well, men are so stupid, Kelty. You know that. I know they are, but this is what annoys me is like, here's what's going to happen. I'm going to, and so I

want to push you on this. Like I get it and I'll do it. Here's what will happen is that one year for my birthday, Chris Knight asked me, what do you want for your birthday? I said, I want a bookstore shopping spree okay we're four years in and guess what i get every year on my birthday a bookstore shopping spree which i loved on year one you know what i mean but now i would like a diamond piece of jewelry like and it's like kelty takes the magic out when i have that's like reading a mind but listen that's both ways i couldn't do that for zach i couldn't give him the perfect gift that he wanted every single year year after year just because he told me one year the thing he wanted no I know but I'm gonna be like this is how you flirt with me and then that's all I'm

gonna get for the rest of my life is a this exact flirt that's called marriage you have to keep telling him Kelty your husband listens it reminded me of your first birthday or whatever that you're like I don't want anything and then he literally got you nothing and then you're like no I want these shoes next year and then he got you the shoe like he listens but I know he listens but I'm annoyed that I like I get it he's not a free thinker I hear you no I don't here's how I've resolve this because I get it. Like there, of course we all want our partner just to be able to read our minds sometimes. So what I do is I made a note on my phone. I gave Xander access to it and I put links to things that I like and would love to receive. I don't ever tell him out loud,

Hey, buy me this bag, buy me this necklace. I literally, this necklace came from the list. I've just put it on the list. There are multiple things there. And so he gets to go through and shoes. So I still get that element of being surprised because I've put multiple things on it. I don't have to say it out loud. I just put it on the list. But he also gets to know like exactly what it is that would bring me joy. And I think that's setting our partners up for success. Can you just make a document of like ways to flirt with your wife so I can forward it to everyone? No, because it's different for everyone. That's what she said. Yeah, it's different for everyone. Yeah. Like you, I like getting my ass slapped. For another woman,

she'd be like absolutely not are you kidding me that's not flirting right so we have to get specific I can give you a list of options but then you got to go through and circle these are the ones that I would like and these are the ones that are a no go and maybe that's what you do for your notepad Kelty you just have like a notepad of things that you like and throw them on there and then he can pick and choose as he decides you know what that's a great idea see we caught to a good place you're listening to the lady gang I was with girls and friends of mine in the neighborhood and um a lot of these women were saying like if he just did this like it's mostly like domestic duties or like if he would just offer to pick

the kids up like twice i would give him a blow job if i just had the husband that did x y and z and i was sitting there and i'm like not to brag i have the husband that does all that shit and i don't want to rip his pants off of him like it's so i also want women because and i said i know it's kind of like discouraging to hear that, but it's also like, that's not the part that's broken. Like that's, yes, of course it would be great if he did do those things and I'm sure it would help contribute. But like, I do have that. I mean, he's not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but like, I don't, I have an equal partner with household and parenting, truly. And I still- You're rare. You're extremely rare.

Very. But I still- Yeah. So that's not the issue for you, which is fine. There could be other things and we can totally get into that. But you're rare, you know, in most male-female relationships, the mental load is heavily imbalanced. And there's great research that's been coming out recently showing that couples who have mental load imbalances have way less sex. Because when you are carrying all the mental load as a woman, it does not feel like you have a partner in life. It feels like you have a child, another thing that you have to take care of. And nobody wants to have sex with a grown-ass man who feels like a child. So that's a really important starting place for so many couples. It's not like

do the dishes and I'll reward you with a blowjob. It's I want to be in a relationship with an adult who knows how to take care of things, who is my partner, who is my equal. And it doesn't need to mean splitting things like exactly 50-50. Everybody's different. But feeling like you have a true partner in life. That's really important for so many people. But I want to call out something you said. You said, I don't want to rip off his clothes. And this is a big misunderstanding that I think a lot of us have about sex in long-term relationships. Yes, at the beginning of a relationship, we might have like felt that desire to like just rip off each other's clothes and like passion might have felt a lot more intense. But research shows that we

cannot stay in that level of intensity for longer than six months, maybe 12 months if you're lucky. At that point in time, the neurotransmitters in our brain literally shift. We're physically incapable of having that level of like passion and intensity. But the problem is that most of us are still operating with that as the barometer. Like I can't have sex with my partner unless I'm wildly horny and I just want to rip their clothes off. That's just very rarely going to happen these days when you're in a long-term relationship. So I actually, like my hot take with desire, which is, you know, everybody, that's the number one thing that I hear. I have low desire. We have mismatched desire. I never want sex. I never think about sex. And my hot take on desire is I don't

think desire is nearly as important as most of us think that it is. And I think that we put pressure on ourselves to feel the desire for sex in a way that we don't pressure ourselves to feel desire for anything else in life. So tell me like what woman has not had this experience? You have a date with your girlfriend. You guys are going to like go out, get some drinks, get dinner, whatever. You haven't seen her in a while.

You're so excited to see her. You know, you guys are going to have fun. But then the day rolls around, it's raining and you're already sitting on the couch and that new episode of Summer House just came out and you're kind of looking at your phone, wondering like, oh, I hope she cancels. I really hope she cancels. I would just love to stay here instead. But we pick our asses up off

the couch. We go out and hang out with our friend, despite the fact that we were feeling so ambivalent about it. And we have a great time. We have, you know, we're like, oh, I'm so glad I did this. I'm so glad we didn't bail on each other. You leave and your cup is full. You're so happy. Like, I think we are ambivalent about a lot of the things that we choose to do in life, but we choose to do them because we trust that the experience itself is going to feel good and the feeling afterwards is going to feel good. And so I think if we looked at sex in that same way, it could completely change the majority of people's sex lives. Now, I'm only talking about like relationships that are safe. There's no abuse going on. And of course, this has to be like you

have to know that you are going to enjoy the sex you're having. A lot of times women tell me they have a libido problem and I'm like, no, you have a pleasure problem. You're not enjoying the sex you're having. So why on earth would you crave it? If it's not pleasurable and enjoyable, why would you crave it? It makes zero sense. But if you're in a scenario where I know that the sex we're going to have is good, I know we're going to feel close and connected afterwards. That's the thing to pay attention to more than do I want to rip his clothes off right now? Interesting. But what if, Kelty, I'm speaking for you. What if your husband is the equivalent of the girlfriend that you make plans with and you know that you're going to have to go out till

like four in the morning and like. An all day extravaganza. Yeah. The expectations are so high. So you're like, I can't possibly go out with Nikki till 3 a.m. tonight. Well, this is a great conversation. So I, you know, in the in the spirit of being open here to Chris Knight's demise, because I had this every year we go over our manifest list and I say, what are my goals for the year. And I was explaining to him that I had this kinks goal of the year. Like I really want to like not be done figuring out what I love. Like I'm going to like explore and whatever. And I was explaining to him and I said, what do you need to like, I tried to do the conversation, Vanessa. I was like, what do you need to know? And he's like, well, here's the thing. And I think it's very clear

what you said. Like you can say no so many times and then they just stop asking. He's like, if you put an outfit on, I will know. He loves an outfit. He loves a pasty. He loves an outfit. He loves a full smorgasbord and I'm like I I don't want to not you know what I mean but he's like if you put an outfit on then I know like it's go time and I'll know and I was like oh my god okay but like then again it's all on me like I gotta get the outfit Fredericks of Hollywood has taken enough of my goddamn money like one time only itchy cratchy giving me a UTI crotchless panty like I am tired you know so sorry better lingerie that might be step one yeah I mean but I like at this rate I wouldn't be able to afford my mortgage but no I like I I get it and I I mean

I I'm interested here's what I want to ask I know you have a no screen sex like idea thing I want to talk about but I also just like can you give us some homework I know on our Thursday episode you're going to talk about orgasms and pleasure. And I think that's a very important part of this conversation. But like for this week, give us long termies who know that it can be improved, who are know that they're not going to want to rip the clothes off, who know this is, you know, this is what we need to do. And it is unfortunately going to have to come from us. Like what is our homework for this week okay first I just want to say like what I think one dynamic that you're talking about too is the pressure that gets put on sex when you're having less of it all of a sudden

then each in each time that you are having Mount Everest so much more it's like now we've got to make up for it we haven't done it in a while this one has to be good so I do think the more frequently we have sex the less pressure there is on each individual event and the less pressure to like have each one be a production. I think it's really important for couples to learn how to have quickies and that are satisfying and pleasurable for both partners, because let's be, let's be realistic. Like we're busy. We don't always have the time to do like a full hour long smorgasbord with the nipple tassels and everything too. Right. So like if we, if we keep the, the thread of connection going with more consistent sex, that's like, yeah, this is not a steak and potatoes, like lovely

five course meal, but this is, it's still satisfying and it's still connecting. Then it creates a little bit more space for, for us to have those like special occasion times, some other times. Okay. But let's talk about what is homework for the, for us to talk about tomorrow or on a Thursday. First thing is I want women to imagine that when your partner is initiating sex, what he's really saying is, I want to feel close to you right now. I want to feel close to you right now. It's so easy for us to get their their initiations and especially if they're doing it in a sort of juvenile or jokey or dumb way and for it to just feel so annoying. But the truth is that that really is what he's asking you in those moments. I want to feel close to you. I don't

have the words to say it or I don't know how to say it or I feel scared to say it. But what I'm really wanting is to feel close to you right now. Then I'm going to give you three super simple, super quick techniques that you can do in under 60 seconds that I promise you are going to make a really big difference in the intimacy in your relationship. So this is what I call my get intimate technique. So it's G-E-T. They stand for the three things. The G is gratitude. E is eye contact. T is touch. So gratitude, interestingly, has been found to be the number one predictor of marital satisfaction, which is insane if you think about it. I know all of us know about gratitude and it feels a little like, yeah, yeah, whatever, let me get my gratitude journal out. But it truly

is that powerful, the number one predictor of marital satisfaction. And I think really what that boils down to is that there is nothing lonelier than choosing to spend your life with somebody and winding up feeling invisible to them. Like we want to know that our partner still sees us, still appreciates us, still cares about us. So that's your task every day. Name one thing about your partner that you're grateful for. Something about them as a person, something that you saw them do. One thing. The E is eye contact. Most couples, and if you pay attention to this, like spend a day paying attention to how much eye contact you naturally make with your partner, I promise you, you're going to be shocked by how little eye contact you make. And it ties exactly

back into what I just said about like feeling invisible to each other. Like we literally don't even look at each other. Our partner comes into the room and I'm like, I'm on my phone. I'm on my computer. We barely acknowledge each other's existence. But eye contact is one of the fastest, easiest, most powerful ways to create more intimacy. So you can practice literally just when your partner walks into the room, just try to make eye contact with them. A couple of seconds, you don't have to do any soulful eye gazing, just a couple of seconds, a little smile at them. That could even be the time that you say your gratitude thing, but try that. And then three is touch. So in most relationships, we need more non-sexual touch.

Most of us only touch each other, only kiss each other during sex or directly in the lead up to sex. And it starts creating that pressure that you guys were talking about earlier, where like, you know, your partner, they come in and they, you know, they put their hands on your shoulders and they're lingering for an extra second. And you're like, I know exactly what you are trying to do for a way. So the solution to that is more touch, not less touch. So we have research showing that a six-second kiss and a 30-second hug are the specific timelines our bodies need to release oxytocin.

It's the feel-good hormone, the bonding hormone. I actually just heard a really interesting tidbit. Women need three times more oxytocin than men need. So we actually need even more non-sexual touch than they do. So six-second kiss, 30-second hug, those will make you feel so much closer. So you can do all three of those things like in the same 60 seconds. They're fast, they're free, they're easy.

They're just super simple to do. But if you commit to doing those things every day, you will notice a difference. I love it. And listen, that's doable. That we can do this. 60 seconds, right? We can do it.

It's so funny. We can do it. Oh my God, my husband walked through the door yesterday and I hadn't seen him all day. And I remember thinking to myself, look up from your phone, just look up from your phone. And I just couldn't do it. I came up with that one because yeah, I realized I'm, I never look up. I'm always,

I'm on my phone. I don't look up and acknowledge his breath. And like, what a sad thing that is. If you really think about it, like, what if we did that to our dogs? I'd be so sad. I've never taken my dog every day, like deeply. Treat your husband like your dog. You know, my mom actually did. My mom always said she's like, men are like dogs. It's all positive reinforcement is the only way they get it. Okay, listen, on Thursday, we are doing an excellent episode with Vanessa all about orgasms. But if you are interested in this, and this is something in you, you can go to vmtherapy.com, which is her website. She has all kinds of courses and prompts and posts that can really inspire you. I mean, there's just so much there,

a wealth of knowledge. Their podcast is incredible. Also, the Instagram is Vanessa and Zander, which I love is so cute. And they also, she has a course we're going to talk about on Thursday called Finishing School, which I think is very, very interesting because we all like, number one, we need to be having orgasms.

Like that is like, if we're doing all of this work, if I'm literally making a notes app about the ways I want to be touched, then when you touch me, I better feel a shiver of happiness. But we'll be back with Vanessa on Thursday and we will see you next Tuesday.

Lady Gang is hosted and produced by Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin and Jack Vanek with social media support from Kali Carrera, audio and video editing from Jared Monaco, and additional support from Steve Delameter and Podcast One.