LadyGang - Jane Lynch & Paul Witten

Episode Date: June 12, 2017

The Fabulous (and Legally Ordained!) Jane Lynch and The Wikapedialess Paul Witten pop by to take the Lady Gang to talk about their show "Dropping The Soap," what happened at Becca's wedding, and the infamous picture of Paul's male romper! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey guys, it's your Lady Gang, Jack Vanek, Kelty Knight, and Becca Tobin. Thank you so much for subscribing on iTunes, and thanks for supporting the great sponsors who make it possible for us to have this much fun with you every single week for free. Well, what is this? Welcome to the Lady Gang. That's amazing. Say that again. The Lady Gang.

Things are about to change around here. Each week, we catch up with Hollywood's hottest girl posse, Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jack Vanek. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to The Lady Gang. Hi. Oh, that was weird. That was Kelty Knight, the journalist, entertainment journalist across from me. She threw me all off my mojo.

She's like a Kermit over there. She's had a lot of green tea. She's on one. Woo! Love you, Becca Tobin. To my right. Love you, too. Jack Vanek, clothing designer and CEO of Jack Vanek.

I am Becca Tobin, blogger, actress, need no introduction. And we are The Lady Gang. um the question of the day is the name of your first boyfriend chief ryan chief ryan was your first boyfriend first real boy the one you shared yeah i was 18 i didn't have like a can i go back to chief how did he spell his name like an indian chief yeah what was that other weird name of a guy who dated i've dated lots of weird names the what about the like bergay no sergey i never dated him he was gay i tried to date him okay my first boyfriend's name was zach no way yes z-a-c-k z oh my god in canada we say zed okay i'm still getting over the fact that you said booger

still recovering there's many things like what about the moza c-k and mine's a z-a-c-h all right it's time for good week yes it is bad week oh no um who wants to go first i'll go first okay um so my good week is i found something that's both mine and kelty's favorite things in life oh my god we're so just not alike we're so not alike um so ever since that i said that i was like single on the podcast i've had a lot of random lady gangers trying to like hook me up oh hot brothers or whatever nice it's great um so one girl posted in our lady gang facebook group and she's like i found the hottest guy online there's like a buzzfeed article about him so it's this guy called tree man because he's so big he looks like a tree he's like the new salt bay

he's six seven huge and bulky and i'm like looking through his pictures and he's like hot yeah hot big bulky and then six seven means he's gonna die early though no it doesn't yeah you're like andre the giant people don't live as long i don't think that's that large though six seven six seven is large like seven you're all out of whack because you think like six two is short too short for you i know well i'm used to six seven okay anyways so there's pictures and then there's this picture of him at the gym and he's wearing jean shorts he's a jeans look at his butt the new jeans man he's the shorts man he's the new jeans man wow but like my version of jeans man wow yeah all right he's pretty hot um he has a girlfriend so that's just goes down the

drain dang um my bad week so i have been dating since you know single life for me and i matched with this guy on this app called the league and it's for people the league it's for people's jobs it started at like ivy league schools and now you have to be approved through linkedin it's this whole thing so like our our generation is so pathetic that there's a special dating site for people with jobs with us no in la that's needed no i know but that's what's making me very sad yeah it's sad it is sad wow okay um so yeah that's my bad week um so it's like all lawyers and like executives it's like people with like jobs great jobs great jobs okay um so i matched with this guy that was like a venture capitalist he seemed super he's super attractive

seemed cool then we started talking and he kept asking me to go out on morning coffee dates and i'm like number one i need some kind of an alcohol for a date like yeah i can't my best friend told me she was like a date without alcohol is just an interview and i'm like that is the most true thing i've ever heard in my life if there's no mimosas i'm not seeing you during the day it's disgusting amen so he kept asking me to go up for coffee like five times i'm like i'm not going not going not going and then on sunday i was like hanging out with some of my girlfriends and we were at this bar playing pool and he texted me to go to coffee again like midday coffee and like he's sober can't go sober that's what scares me but i'm like i'm at

this bar you can come meet up with us if you want five minutes later he's like i'm outside come say hi and i was like oh really fast number one and creepy i go outside start talking to him no sense of humor whatever whatsoever my jokes are going over his head so much and then he's like oh yeah i went to the beach this morning and i was like oh do you surf or you know what were you doing he's like i don't surf i'm an intellectual and i was like so you boogie board this is you built a sand castle this is the most like the most douchey thing anybody has ever said to me in my entire life he was like offended at the fact that i thought that he would he would surf okay i'm by him yeah yeah i hated him and he was short so is he garbay garbay garbay he's garbay yeah he was

never a bay kelty um i have a new word to add to the lady gang dictionary damn i didn't mind better not be my word it's not okay um okay we were so busy this weekend we were doing all kind of hotivities i love the word i hate the context that you put it in but it's pretty good like what you do last night oh you know we just she's up to all kinds of activities i like that okay i still like homing like a hotivity no a homing is like she had a homing like a moment but hotivity is it's like you're at the club grinding on a bunch of guys you're like going out and then like your shoe broke so you went barefoot down hollywood boulevard like it was a series a series here's the definition a series of homings is a hotivity nice it's a night of hotivities it sounds very

festive to me i know it is it's like it's like merry christmas hotivities like a nativity that's why have a jolly hotivities i'm gonna make a nativity scene with hoes and it's gonna be a hotivity that's the literal um a bunch of naked i also have my bad week has to do a jeans man so i'm glad you brought up your jeans man um jeans man has been you know at the gym quite a lot this week and i found out that he has two children so he's not only married he has two children yeah and one of them's like seven so it's just never gonna be yours yeah no here's the thing i don't want him to be mine but here's the truth the more i find out about him the less hot he is like there was that's like any person literally is that's the definition of like getting to know

somebody so i mean we need to think about this because you listen every once in a while you walk past someone hot and you're like well what would my life be like if i married that person instead you know probably shitty oh my god unless you're super rich it's usually worse your life would be worse because i we were like oh my god jeans man jean man is so hot like we were like having like a little fantasy and then like the more i've met him i'm like he's such a loser he's a loser because he has kids but it's like all the dreams i had for jeans man cannot come true with his wife and children and like i don't know i just thank god for jeans man's wife yeah yeah well and then and then here the thing is it's not fun anymore because he got rid of his

bedazzled jeans. Now he just wears normal jeans. No, he still wears dark denim jeans to work out. They're just not Ed Hardy jeans. It was so much better when he was wearing a bedazzled, fancy pant. Right. Wow. Okay. My turn. My good week is

going to just blow your minds. So I was having a conversation with my friend Cara that you guys know. She's been on the podcast. And she was telling me this thing that she had to let a friend down easy for something she couldn't attend and so she's like i know this is horrible but i just i didn't have the courage to tell her like on a phone call so i used sly dial and left her a message and i

go what what is sly dial it's a number you call that it answers and then it asks you who you want to call then you plug in the person you want to call and it takes you straight to their voicemail so people's phones don't ring but you can still leave them a voicemail. What? That's amazing. That's amazing. How helpful.

But like people leave voicemails still? Well, I think for like important... If you leave me a voicemail, we're not friends. I have like 200 unread or un... I have to say something about a voicemail. I think some... I mean, most of the time, 99% of the time, don't even talk to me

if you're trying to leave a voicemail, especially if it's over three seconds. But sometimes I feel like if people used the phone more and actually left voicemails we wouldn't all be texting in our goddamn cars and that's pissing me off looking around it's so scary to see how many

people are on their phones and they're all texting well that's just texting in general I know but I feel like if we all just became more phone people occasionally it would make more sense to like call and leave a message for someone that you were gonna spend 15 minutes on the 405 texting them or you can just get Siri to

read your text that's so complicated i'm 50 years old and i need to leave you a voicemail i'm not saying that i do that but you can no no because then it messes up and then you have to like read it and check it and then that's more like distracting than just texting and then siri never yes she's an idiot let's be honest what you should be doing while you're driving is listening to the lady gang podcast if you've listened to all the episodes go back and listen to them okay true true okay so sly dial that's my good week here's my bad week do you guys remember my new year's resolution no no no stop spending money to stop buying clothes shoes jewelry whatever handbags all the things

i cheated once that's not bad though it's like half the year's over it's june yeah that's great it's great most people can't get through january i bought it i bought a dress i had to go to a charity thing and i had nothing in my closet and like it it there was nothing appropriate I think my issue is I'm totally fine day-to-day because I can look homeless or ugly or frumpy. But if it's, like, an actual thing, but it's not, like, a Hollywood event, so you're not being dressed for the event. So it's your own. So it's, like, so I had to. You're like a commoner, you know?

You had to have a ho-tivity. I had to have a, it was a ho-tivity, and I bought something, and I was really disappointed in myself. So now I feel like I need to, like, do something, like, work the streets to, like, make that money back to, like, make it so that it's sold on Poshmark. How much money have you saved? You must have saved a ton of money. I don't really even think I've saved that much money. I feel like I just drink more now or something. That's usually what happens.

So, yeah, those are my good week, bad week. Kelty, what's coming up? Jane Lynch is going to spill the deets on Becca Tobin's wedding. That is not the headline we should use. You're listening to The Lady Gang. Okay, guys, our guests today are a him and her team that have created a very buzzworthy streaming series, Dropping the Soap. It's a fast-paced workplace comedy similar in tone to one of our favorite shows, 30 Rock. It goes behind the scenes of the long-running soap opera Collided Lives.

He is an actor that doesn't have a fucking wiki page, so it made my job really hard. I actually had to spend large amounts of time on IMDb investigating his page and making my own words for him. And so basically, he's appeared on Will & Grace, the OC Desperate Housewives, Chuck, Behind the Candelabra, and the greatest TV show after RuPaul's Drag Race, of course, Party of Five. She has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, a People's Choice Award, an Emmy, a Golden Globe. But more importantly, she was once in a Frosted Flakes commercial. And even more importantly, she married Becca Tobin. I did. She's not actually married Becca Tobin.

I married Becca and Zach. But far more importantly, after a year and a half, she finally agreed to come on our podcast. We're so excited. Please welcome Jane Lynch and Paul Witten. I remember being asked a year and a half ago, but that's okay. You were too big for us. Oh, back then, yeah, my star is starting to fall. Here I am at Lady Gang.

Now it's rising. Yes, yes. So we're so excited. First of all, let's talk about Dropping the Soap, which I don't know if you know this, but Becca Tobin had a guest starring in the role. She sure did. She did. Yes, Becca.

She really slayed it. Slayed it. In a very, very pivotal moment of the show, which we can't share, but yeah, she was awesome. And the side story about that is that she was basically dying when she came to do the show. Like in real life. Was it dengue fever? Dengue fever.

She had dengue fever. We remember. And she literally pulled herself from the hospital getting fluids and came and did our little skit. You looked fantastic. A dedication. I think I was so thin because of that. So it's the best I've ever looked. And you were hydrated because, of course, you had been fit.

The fluids. You were funny and great and awesome and on death's door. So where can people see the show? Amazon. Amazon, amazing. It's on Amazon Prime, which is great. So if you have that, you see it for free. And if you don't have that, you can get it on iTunes or Google Play if you're not an Apple person.

How did you get that deal with Amazon? Our distributor is awesome. Glass House Entertainment. Oh, God. Glass House. Don't mess it up. Distribution. I guess it's distribution.

I'm not that bright. But they handled all of that. So how did you guys come up with the show and when? I came up with this concept a few years ago and then looped in a bunch of my friends that I thought were awesome and wanted to work with. And Jane saw a little bit of what we had done as a proof of concept kind of thing. And she said, you know, guys, this is really funny. The writing is really tight. I'd like to be involved.

Let's see what we can do. We, of course, after we picked ourselves up off the floor, went, oh, okay, Jane Lynch, we're in. And it started the journey of getting it made. And so what's the synopsis of the show? It's behind the scenes of a really long-running, terrible soap opera called Collided Lives. And I'm kind of like the male Susan Lucci, if you will. I've been kind of like the hero, the man on the show for years. My star is fading a little bit because I'm not 22, and I don't have abs.

I did, though. And it's a story of my co-stars and I and how the world is being completely shaken to its core because Ms. Lynch shows up as the new executive producer and decides she's going to do ridiculous things like have people voted off. Right. We should have that on the podcast. That's a week one of us gets voted off. And giving people weight limits.

The actors have weight limits. You know, she asks for their social media handles and their passwords. She's just basically your worst nightmare. Well, the show is circling the drain, so it's something that's probably not going to survive anyway. So the show is very lucky to have the likes of, what was my name? Olivia Vandersteen. Yes. Come and try to shake things up, you know, so they'll stay relevant and on the air.

Have you ever been given a weight limit in real life? Where did that come from? I give myself weight limits all the time. I violate them all the time. Just to break them immediately. Yeah, exactly. Nobody has had the balls to tell me how much I should wait. Thank God.

I feel like that must happen in real life, though. Yeah, I think it does. I've heard that with young starlets these days. Like Disney stars. Yeah, well, just... Allegedly. Allegedly. I've seen it.

You've seen it. You'll see an actress in a show, and I'm not going to name names, but a little chubby. Not chubby, even. Really, just normal. Like baby fat because they're young. Yeah. Yes. In some cases, baby fat because they're young.

And then they get signed by, you know, some big agency and they sit her down and they say, you know, you have to lose 20 pounds or you won't work. And they do. And then they become anorexic. I won't say names, but I watched this happen to a young girl who is now just way too thin. So anyway, that's what. We all have that problem. If only I were anorexic, what I would give to be bulimic. What I would give to throw up without having to throw up.

I wish someone cared enough about my career to tell me. Me too. Me too. we think you could be a huge star are you alive yeah probably happens to alistair are you in town i don't know let's go to this audition we don't care what you wear or say or do you're not gonna get it anyway um more importantly no not more importantly equally as importantly as your show jane yeah let's talk about becca's wedding oh so wonderful in jackson hole wyoming first of all becca is very good it was ugly of course and you had your first scene with me i'm going all the way

take it back girl yeah and um we uh you became good friends with i'm telling you the story like you don't know with megan who was my niece who was a a production assistant and then became a assistant to brad who was our showrunner and um so you guys became good friends you moved into the canyon we're neighbors yes and so just you know we just you know just through megan's relationship with her and you guys coming over the house yes and what we call the lynch rehab center because my house is kind of awesome it is in laurel canyon and it's very uh lots of birds serene very serene and it's like a vacation anytime you're sad you just pop over to the lynch rehab facility you drink coffee in the canyon it's so nice you gotta start charging

people for those oh it's no it's free it's it's it's for fun and for free it's my service to the younger generation and so when you asked me to be your uh to be the person to officiate your wedding i was so moved and so excited and i went right to universallifechurch.com got certified which is an interesting thing all you have to do first of all they say you go to the website and it says we take this very seriously we don't choose everybody um it goes rigorous um we do a rigorous check on you and your intentions and blah blah blah to um sign up uh and be considered you know fill this out and then give us your email address as soon as i hit done i got an email that said dear reverend linch congratulations after rigorous examination

what did you have to answer the questions there were no questions about why you want to do this it was literally just fill this out what's your credit card number what's your social security number yeah no so thank god no social and where uh where can we send you the email saying you're in great so that's tough yeah now were you surprised by becca at the wedding surprised by becca yeah Are you talking about me crying? Or whatever. Anything you're surprised about. Hilti can't get over the fact that Becca cried.

Well, I don't know. Wait, I'm sorry. Becca cried? It was such a sweet... Honestly, the wedding was very sweet. It was so beautiful. Just for the record, I was invited and I couldn't go. So this is all really fun for me to hear all this.

But I didn't know she cried, so I want to investigate that. Both you and Zach have such beautiful families. We do. That's true. I mean, it was just... The weekend was so beautiful. And when... I don't know.

I'm sure you saw this. Do you remember when you were at the top of the stairs about to come down and your groom turned to you and bowed from the waist like a gentleman? He put his hands behind his back and he bowed. Oh, my God. I was gone after that. I didn't think I was going to be able to get through it. You'll have to check it out.

It was like a southern gentleman move. His bride is up at the top of the stairs and he put his hands behind his back and he bowed. I didn't see this. Zach was emotional, too. Zach was emotional, too. He's the sweetest guy. he really is and you guys are so great

together yeah you really are thanks guys wow Becca's head's getting bigger and it was really an aesthetically beautiful wedding to us

which is really important I feel yeah well not just the Jackson Jackson Hole was gorgeous and everything but these two

yeah and your families your mother is gorgeous her mother is so dad is so handsome and your sister and those little kids and your friends

Jack and Kelty are gorgeous remember my red dress it was attractive it was an attractive crowd it was it was and Zach's family

his sisters are also tall and beautiful and everybody's in great shape. Everybody worked out in the morning. They were all in my pajamas drinking coffee. They're like full of sweat and life and drinking orange juice. It was incredible what a group of insecure people can get

accomplished on vacation. Paul, I'd like to move on to something important about you. I recently saw a photo of you in a male romper. Yeah, that was amazing. Oh my God. Three really important things on this podcast. Becca's wedding your show and the male romper.

What did you think? And it's just if you didn't want anybody to know, you put it on Instagram. Was it the lace romper? I'm like, oh no, how did you see that? What did you think? I want to hear your thoughts first. And you can be blunt

because I have big thoughts about it. Can you pull up the picture? Yeah, pull it up. Yeah, it's great. First of all, can I just say the first place my eye went was to your package, which looked awesome. Of course it does.

It does. But Jane, something you guys don't know, is fascinated by penises. I am. It's the first place I go when I look at someone. I don't know if they're packing power. and i can tell even if you can't even if it's not protruding yeah i just might have a grower i don't think it was feel the power i think that we just found the quote the pack of power

pack of power yeah see you can really tell were you wearing a dance belt no i wasn't i wear um but i will say like not that i've ever had any complaints no but i will say um i was wearing a size small um and i probably should be a medium or a large that's why the package looks so but yeah it's tight i guess that's almost obscene i have a question that it's plaid too it's very retro where do you get these i don't think a man should ever ever wear these i don't know i don't either and this was a joke men who weigh 120 pounds need to wear and that's it yeah and even then i don't know i think it's kind of questionable uh but uh i you know i i had heard all this about the romp hem or the romper or whatever and i saw i saw it at a place that i like to shop that's

like secondhand clothes because you can get great stuff for really cheap right is it the same place that you can go for your hiv test out of the closet it is not but it is down the street from that and a sidebar i did get my hiv testing i'm all good so um uh so i put on the romper and i saw it on i saw it on the uh the rack and i put it on and i couldn't resist and i thought well Well, you know what? I mean, there's so much discussion about the romper. I have to share this with people. Was it a vintage romper?

No, it was made by Mr. Turk. And funny enough, I did it ironically because I, in fact, I had said somewhere that like if you ever see me. Yeah. And I said, if you ever see me in this, you need to set me on fire. And if I ever do wear one in public, I think you probably should. I think there's an age cutoff and it's about 23 and you can be arrested after that for wearing a romper. Yeah, I kind of agree. and people think i bought it people like oh my god good for you it looks so great

and even mr turk said you look amazing he commented oh my god yeah he commented on male division right yeah and they're you know they have some great stuff it may not be my style but i thought you know let's try this romper out how much was it uh at the place that i went to what's funny is at the place that i saw it it was on sale for 22 50 were you at one of those um places you go this is the thing about paul that is he's so damn lucky he's a perfect size he's he's slim he's got broad shoulders he's got little hips and he's a perfect size large or whatever he can go into like crossroads anything that's where i found this yeah or goodwill and he can walk out spending a hundred dollars and have like a tuxedo um a great pair of jeans a beautiful

cashmere sweater and beautiful shoes yeah and that's on the other hand one day jane's niece calls me megan and she goes you'll never believe what jane just did and i'm like what did she do she goes she bought this pair of pants that she really loves and it was like a similar pant that you're wearing right now like a genie pant or drop weight like a drop crotch like relaxed fit yeah She goes, she brought them to a tailor and had like hundreds of them made. I did. She's like, I can't even tell you how much she just spent. I think it was like $3,000 to have one in every color.

I did. I had them all made. And you know what? I decided I didn't like them after a while. No, you did not. And I kept them for about a year. And then I think just recently is when they went into goodwill. And who's going to wear them?

Where is there going to be a six-foot woman? Paul. But Paul, yeah. Exactly. Yeah. I've tried to give her my clothes. It's so hard for me to fit things that if I find something that works, I have it made. And then you never wear them.

Yeah, usually there's something wrong. When you have custom clothes, they're so expensive. And in my experience, rarely do they work. It's better to get those little factory kids in China doing it by the books. Child labor. A little child labor. Jane Lynch endorses child labor in China. Yeah, that's fantastic.

That's going to be the headline coming out of this podcast. What's their tiny hands? They're able to do their fine stitching. They work magic. Those little stitches. I've never loved you more. This is great. All right.

When we come back, Becca Tobin has prepared a game. Oh, wow. Yes, I have. The Lady Gang. And we're back. Okay, guys. First of all, I'm going to do a rapid fire kind of question situation for both of you. So who would like to answer first?

Ladies first. Okay. So you'll answer then, Paul. All right. Okay. Ready? favorite food pizza pizza favorite song um if you don't know me by now if you don't know me that's all we can clear then we have to pay paul favorite song jesus take the wheel

i hate that i know that's true um celebrity crush uh tom cruise Isn't that crazy? What? I'm obsessed with Tom Cruise. Get out. I knew that. That is odd. But only Tom Cruise in 1994.

After that, he's crazy pants. What was he in in 1994? It was before he went completely crazy. He had a light in his eyes. Don't say that out loud. You'll be a suppressed person. Yeah, that is a beautiful, glossy hair. And then it just went, he went, turned so bad.

And now he's just too fat. And he needs to let his hair go gray. And he needs to stop getting Botox. Jane, have you met Tom Cruise? No. Okay, he's like 5'2". Him and Beck are a perfect couple. You and Tom Cruise, it would be awkward

in all the ways. Isn't that crazy? I know yours. James McAvoy. I understand that. He's a short guy, too, though. You guys like little wee men. Do you think Tom has a big penis? No, I don't.

Oh my god, there's no way. There's no way he has a penis. I think James McAvoy is definitely packed. Power pack. Favorite movie? Private Benjamin Postcards from the edge We are old

If you could have one superpower, what would it be? To be thin And eat anything I want That's not a superpower I told this to Becca, I don't care if I look old I don't care I just want to be thin You are really thin

I've got a Hollywood bowl that is untenable It goes all the way around is the hollywood bowl like what section is that it's below the belly button oh jane i have it all the way and it goes around the back is that not a muffin top no it's a gun a little higher ladies and gentlemen it's a gunt or as i like to call it a fupa you know what that means oh yeah under pussy area right um i have a very interesting story about a fupa that i'll share for later um one superpower you could have uh to like a lasso of truth you know so i could always know the truth from people how about just reading people's minds that that's the one okay

can becca please follow me around screw becca it's better as a lasso like a wonder woman we need to talk about this at some point because that means that you think people lie a lot yeah you trust issues they do people do lie a lot we're just i don't have that at all i don't i don't want to know the truth most neither oh yeah i'm not ignoring this is my question and my answer ladies yeah sorry about that go ahead hey i said tom cruise and they gave me some shit so you're getting shit about the lasso of truth do i need to pick another lasso of truth i love it too biggest pet peeve um when you're getting change and they put the

coin part on top of the dollars i know it's stupid what who even has cash anymore like when they you know you're changing you get 350 and they put the 50 cents on top of it do you want them to do two separate hands put the change first interesting because then it falls off the dollars okay again i'm old because i don't think that's an age it's called venmo nobody uses credit cards Biggest pet peeve, Paul? Can I have two? I'm going to have one and another one. That's actually against the rules.

I'm going to break the rules because I'm a renegade. Well, we're rebels. People who take up two parking spaces. Call the pig parker. And people that in a market go into the 14 item or less line and have like 18 items. This sounds like a bad stand-up act. It's so annoying. Okay, these aren't really good pet peeves.

Don't you hate it? Don't you hate it? When it says 10 items or less and they got 15 items. Don't you hate it when you drive to the market and someone took up two spots and then you go through the 14 items and they give you the change on the top? Right? Well, maybe this comes back.

I hate grocery shopping. So I'm kind of tagging both of those things because I think of them in the same way. Okay. All right. Favorite actor? Oh, my God. Daniel Day-Lewis. How dare you?

Oh, is that yours? No. It should be. I should be yours. Oh, Daniel Day-Lewis. Favorite actor, I would say. Or actress. Oh, God.

It's so obvious. I suck. Meryl Streep. Oh, yeah. I mean, obvious again, but I agree. I totally agree. Yes. Favorite vacation spot.

Montecito, California. Burbank, California. I like Burbank, too. There are international listeners Burbank is like The worst Crappy Undesirable subdivision

You can't wait in line To get into the Tonight Show though That's always fun That's where they wait in line Yeah they wait I remember the first time I was in Burbank I saw a line of people

Go what is that Well they're waiting in line To get into There's a good karaoke bar there That's all I know Oh is that Dimples No it's closed It did

It did Sorry That's where the waitresses Are all 70 years old And wearing leotards Yeah You're welcome Good bar

Make sure that visual Turn on. Oh, because the ship has sailed for me sexually, so turn on. Humor. Humor. Just in anybody. That was literally mine. Okay.

Turn off. Lack of humor. Dishonesty. Smelly balls. So I'm just adding that in. You are really having some trust issues. Wait, Paul, I've used your term a few times on the podcast, and now I can say who I coined it from when I say my friend Paul, ball vinegar.

Oh, I love it. I love a nice ball vinegar. It's so good. He doesn't mind a little ball vinegar at the end of the day. I see someone running or hiking on Fryman. If they're cute, look, I'm in. Ball vinegar and all. What's so gross is we don't even have to explain to people what that is.

No, you know what it is. You know right away. Okay. Can't leave the house without my lipstick, my Burt's Bees Red Dahlia. Oh, that's what I use. Oh, really? It's good stuff, isn't it? Red Dahlia is the best.

You're wearing it now. Yeah. Yeah. That's weird. I thought I was the only person who bought that. No. Is that the tinted stuff? Yeah, it's really good.

I love Burt's Bees. It looks like your natural. Please sponsor us. Whatchamacallit. Like a natural lip. Yeah. But a little darker. I have it mixed with a lipstick.

Yeah. I actually have a little Clinique called Honey, which I will show you, which is not far from the Red Dahlia. It's a good one. Yeah. Breath mints. Okay. Last one.

Favorite curse word. Fuck a duck. Jane, we told you there was one rule on this podcast. This is a trick question. Cunt. Cunt. That's the best. You can say that?

I don't know how you can say cunt. Well, I mean, they just say the reason for the no Fs is because advertisers get scared. We don't want to have to list our podcast as explicit. And if you say the F word, it's explicit. But we're allowed to talk about raging yeast infections, anal sex, anything you can possibly imagine. And I just said cunt. Great. And we're still not explicit.

I feel like that's a worse word than that word. Family fun. Can we play our one more game? I think so. Okay. A nice quick game. Okay. This is called F. Marry Kill.

Have you played this before? Marry Kill? So you have to, I'll give you three people. Okay. And you have to decide who you're going to have sex with. Oh, okay. Who you're going to marry. Okay.

And who you're going to kill. This sounds like a game from like a sleepover. It is. Okay. This is a sleepover. Welcome. I hope you brought your PJs. Toothbrush.

Okay. Okay. Jack Black. Okay. Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey. Louis C.K.

Okay. Okay, I would sleep with Jim Carrey. I would marry Louis C.K. I wouldn't kill Jack Black, but okay. He goes. Yeah. I like Jack Black, but I have to choose. I'm interested that you'd want to have sex with Jim Carrey.

All I want to do is marry Louis C.K. Okay. I mean, I had to put him somewhere. You did. Yeah. You only gave me three choices. Somebody's got to go. I would F Louis C.K.

Really? Mm-hmm. I like a change. i would marry uh jack black because he is and he has kids and i'd kill jim oh my god i'm taking jim carrey from you okay you can have him i might like you know what i think i might like your i don't know anyway i'm gonna stick with okay jack don't worry you don't actually have to oh oh really oh good oh okay they're actually coming um would you like to answer yeah i'll marry jim carrey because i love him he's my first celebrity crush ever after the green power ranger

i would f louis ck because i feel like he'd be strangely good in bed and then i guess just by default no uh but i would marry jack black because then i've always wanted to marry somebody named jack so it's jack and really so jim carrey's going actually okay i think it'd be a lot of fun to be i'm gonna marry um i'm gonna marry louis ck because i saw him once uh at messes square garden and i peed a little my pants i think he would really keep me laughing he's great i'm gonna have sex with jim carrey because i think in his younger day he might have been like a wild ride and then I'm going to kill Jack Black just because he made Kung Fu Panda 19

and I've had too many Kung Fu Pandas. I'm going to marry Jack Black. Okay. I'll have sex with Jim Carrey. Okay. And then Louis C.K. goes. Oh. Becca.

I have inside information. Oh. Oh, really? Allegedly. Allegedly. Wait, like about him having a small penis? Well, that's obvious. No, I think he's packing.

Allegedly. Really? He does have big dick energy. He totally has big dick energy. He has little dick and I don't care. or maybe that's it yeah that could be it

yeah now I want to change my answer okay one more round one more round ready yeah Kate Hudson

yeah Gwyneth Paltrow Julia Roberts I'd kill Gwyneth Paltrow same and easy Kate Hudson

or Julia Roberts I would marry Julia Roberts and I'd have sex with Kate Hudson that's my answer that's everybody's answer I would definitely murder Gwyneth Paltrow and i would love to swap out uh let's see i'd anger f julia roberts

i like julia i would marry kate hudson because she's the daughter of goldie hawn and she's got a great little ass yeah she doesn't agree i would marry gwyneth i think she's rad what i love everything she does i don't care goop me till the cows come home i would have sex with kate hudson because she's hot and julia roberts is not a nice person allegedly i'm just telling you that when i straight up interviewed her she's not a nice person allegedly it's my experience allegedly when i was in the room with her i thought you're not here's the thing nice enough right she did kick me out of her can party um allegedly when i was standing there trying to eat the free oysters i just she's not a girl's girl and i'm

can't get by wait okay so since jane's probably the most famous person we've ever had on the podcast i do maybe you hate the press i know do you hate you hate the i mean you don't hate the people of the press but you do you hate the whole like press yeah but not like yeah i mean i don't hate it you're never nasty to people never well you've never been nasty to anybody yeah well i don't know about that like every time you see her even when you're like hey jane we needed you in five minutes ago you're still like i'm sorry guys i gotta go like there's some people that are just so dumpy that it's like i'm sorry like they really do believe that what they do is so much better than what you do

and I'm like well I've been standing here for 10 hours waiting for you so at least give me a smile and a wave you know that's it

okay on that note you're just a better actress I might be but you know that's the thing is when you look at them as just being a person because sometimes

I don't like doing it and you're meeting with another person that like I've stopped people before and said that's the question you're going to ask me

rethink about it you know and I'll actually sit with them think about something like especially the stupid questions that are like gum uh you know what's your favorite moisturizer really yeah why don't you find a different

different question you know what's funny uh when we did the premiere for a drop set of film but we had a lot of we had some press there and everyone without a doubt was talking about how you are so nice the press really likes you well thank you which is good yeah thank god good rep on that note yes you're going to really like our lady gang because up next they've written in questions and you're going to help them figure out their lives. Oh, wonderful. That's awesome. And we're back.

And we're back. Before we start, ask the Lady Gang, which is Ask the Fempire, still on our thing, by the way. If you guys want 20% off of jackvanek.com, use code LADYGANG, and I brought you guys some mugs. Oh. Some little fancy mugs. If you listen, what is that?

In memory of when I could sleep in. Jack Vanek. Who's that? That's me. That's you. Oh, I didn't know you. Hello. Is your name Jacqueline?

Jacqueline. Jacqueline. That's beautiful that you go by Jack. I love that, Jack. Well, I knew you were Jack, but I didn't recognize this from that. And what else do you have? I have, if you listen closely, you can hear me not caring. It's amazing.

So you guys can swap them around if you want. When you go to the Lynch retreat. No, no, no, I'm not going to. We'll have herbal tea in these at the Lynch Rehab Center. Oh, yes. Hey, ladies. Ask the Lady Gang. So for this part of our podcast, we had our listeners writing questions and we give them

questionable advice but so you guys can give as good or as bad as you want so our first question is from crystal crystal says i'm in a wedding this summer she's a friend from college my old roommate was also good friends with her but is not in the wedding when i asked her if she would be going to the wedding in july she said she doesn't feel like taking off of work how do i not be a bitch about this and get over it do i just need to not care basically it would be like kelty not feeling like going to becca's wedding because she's probably busy that day well okay So this is a friend of yours who used to be friends with the bride and she's not going to go.

So what the hell do you care? Yeah. Yeah. They're both friends. It's none of your business. It's none of your business. Yeah. It's none of your business.

Yeah. Stay out of it and grow up. Paul? That was very succinct and amazing. I like toast. Yeah. I don't think it even applies. I think just-

That's not a real problem. Let her do her own thing. You do yours. Not everyone feels about weddings how you might feel and being in the bridal party. you're probably trickle-down hurt for the bride because she's probably hurt about it, but to each their own. Not everyone can come to every wedding, and it doesn't mean you love

people less. Some people are wedding people. I would never miss a wedding because I think it's the funnest thing in the whole world. And you were a blast at Becca's wedding, too. She was a blast. I love weddings. There were a lot of wasted people at that party at the end. It was fun to watch. Crystal, live your own life. You do you. I also feel like with weddings, the best thing

that I told myself when I was planning my own was like, this is about me and Zach this is not about me and my friendships granted it's beautiful to have those people there but like it's not about your guests so you have to just come to terms with the fact that people have lives

people have budgets, people have other priorities and it's not always the weddings you never know what's going on in their lives you guys were really cool about that too you and Zach were just really laid back you had to come I had to be there for sure but it was pretty amazing too

because it was a destination wedding becca's was in jackson hall which is not cheap to get to not easy it's in the in december early december um not hard and not easy to get off of work and so many people showed up i thought it was just a testament to you guys and i know that you were very chill about it you know who could come and who couldn't come and that's that's cool yeah weddings are brutal way funner to be you know i think that's great advice about it it's about zach and you yeah it's about you and you're you're betrothed it's all that matters okay our second question comes from laura and laura says i'm 20 years old and i've been out of a relationship for a while i have no issue with

being single and dating myself for a while but the lack of sex is hard oh good for her i've never been one for hookups or one night stands as i find it quite complicated to not catch feelings any advice on how to shake the fear and get out there and become the boss ass bitch that i want to be oh well i love that she's got a sexual drive i love hearing that about women they have sexual drive um because we have no idea what that's like yeah i don't i'm like wait to be 20 what did my vagina feel like my vagina was soaking wet mine too well you're 20 years old which is great that you're having these these kinds of thoughts and that uh they're actually it's actually not just the sex yeah health the sex is healthy but also i mean the um just the way

she's examining it um do i am not much for hookups because you catch the feelings so i think she's almost can answer her own question is take it a day at a time it sounds like she's smart doesn't sound like you know our first question who was like i'm mad at my girlfriend this this sounds like a girl who's thoughtful and has some self-empowerment and um that's my my answer yeah i have to say get a good vibrator yeah absolutely if it's just you needing to get off and you'll be fine after that and let's be honest the makeout part of the sex is the best part yeah She might be into the penny. The penny might be a lot for her, which is slang for penetration.

In the lesbian world, we would say, are you into penny? And goodnight. We're going to have to add that to the Lady Gang dictionary. And you know what? If you are hooking up with somebody, you always have this caveat and say, look, we're hooking up. And, you know, I may not love you tomorrow and you may not love me tomorrow and that's okay, too. Just that you're both very clear. come on over for the penny okay next question oh my god i just love that word okay our last

question's from britney and she says i've been with my boyfriend for about two years last year the week of my birthday we got into a fight and he broke up with me he was acting out of character and was immediately sleeping with girls from the bar three months later i ran into him at a party and we started talking again it's been about six months of being officially back together and i'm still constantly worried that he's going to abruptly leave me again i still occasionally text other guys and won't post any pictures of him on social media in fear of losing and fears of losing interest of possible suitors if my heart is broken again he has been amazing since we've been back together i've never clicked so well with someone before

i mean girl if you're still talking to other guys because you need a backup this is not the guy for you he's not making you here's the thing he might be the guy for you when you're like 20 but like when you're 30 and you're building a life with someone like you don't want someone that you can't trust or that you think is going to, like, walk out. Although, Chris, please don't leave me. I feel like you're going to walk out every day. I literally am like, every day Chris is going to be like, this is some bullshit. I'm out.

Yeah, but that's a you problem. No, I feel like that with Zach, too. I'm like, how much can a human take? Jesus. I think with Zach a lot. I am awful. I do. I think anything you do is going to be A-OK with him.

God, we're so pretty. We're so pretty. Yeah. I think, yeah, I think that our intuition is really like all we need in this situation. And if if someone can leave you and like, you know, the week of your birthday and go sleep with a bunch of bitches, he clearly only thinks about himself. So, yeah, this reminds me of a very close situation that happened to a friend of mine and then they did it again.

So it's just like if they can leave you once that easily, they're going to leave you again. And I think the big problem here is how she's feeling, which is a terrible place to be anxious and not trusting and it's really nobody's fault i think you either have to accept that this relationship is a day at a time and accept that it could happen because it could happen anytime at any point with anybody right um so you just that's where it comes we have to bring it back in bring it back and if it's just too much for you it's too much mental anguish uh and heart anguish then then you need to leave it but it sounds like you're having fun just chillax and I wouldn't worry so much about

tomorrow. If only she had your truth lasso, Paul. Idiot. He has a very practical superpower, though. I like it. I like Jane's. Nothing is more practical than not gaining weight. To be skinny and eat as much as you want. That's true. And pizza's not my favorite

food, by the way. I just have to go back. I said pizza because I couldn't think of anything else. My favorite food is sushi. well Jane and Paul you're wonderful please come back again we're done? this was so much fun anytime

can you guys please let our listeners know where they can follow you on Instagram now that they're obsessed with you if they weren't already I'm Jane Lynch official on Instagram official Paul underscore Witten on Instagram hashtag he romp romp him and guys make sure you

head on over to Amazon Prime which you know you all have and check out Dropping the Soap It's very, very funny. I checked out some of the episodes when I was doing my, you know, checking out on Paul. Please get a Wikipedia page and make it easy for journalists to just copy and paste. Thanks. I'll make it. And you guys, while you're at it, please go and subscribe if you love this episode to our podcast on iTunes.

We come out with new episodes every single Tuesday. And follow us on social media at The Lady Gang, at Becca. Just Becca. Like Madonna. At Jack and Veronica. And at Kelty Knight. We love you so much. And see you next Tuesday.

Join the Lady Gang every Tuesday at iTunes and at podcastone.com. That's podcastone.com. Thanks for listening.