LadyGang - Justin Martindale

Episode Date: July 30, 2019

Comedian, actor, and host Justin Martindale joins the ladies to talk about his comedy career, play a sort of creepy weird ASMR game, and do a GREAT Tiffany Haddish impression. Special thanks to all our great sponsors! Brook Linen - The only way to get 10% off AND free shipping is to use promo code LADIES at Brooklinen.com Daily Harvest - Go to dailyharvest.com and enter promo code LADY to get $25 off your first box! Honey - Join for free at honey.com/LADY. Stamps.com - Start your 4 week trial, get free postage, and a free digital scale at stamps.com/ladygang. Walt Disney World - Discover your happy place! Visit Walt Disney World today.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey guys, the following podcast is a Lady Gang Network and Podcast One production, which means it's going to be awesome. Well, what is this? Welcome to the Lady Gang. That's amazing. Say that again. The Lady Gang. Things are about to change around here.

Each week, we catch up with Hollywood's hottest girl posse, Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jack Vanek. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the Lady Gang. I'm Becca Tobin here with Kelty Knight and Jack Vanek. what's up can you guys feel the tense the tension in the room between the healthy wants to work today and we don't well it's just crazy because like for once we're not on like a crazy time crunch and she had the day off yeah from entertainment tonight so like jack and i are on vacay mode and we're like on summer fridays mode and kelty's in like we're running for the

presidency in 2020 can i tell you why because i've been working non-stop because why well i've been out of town i mean i have vacation i feel honestly i feel better and like i'm a better human i don't know if you guys have noticed but i'm awesome right now but you didn't notice but anyway i um i've been out of town and this is my one day in la so when we finish what are you gonna do when you finish here i gotta go pack because i'm here on the road for almost three weeks jesus i had to figure out how to do that i gotta like the mail i gotta like refill my prescription like i've got unlimited hours in the day today you're not gonna have time we have an event tonight i this is why i'm like let's get this you're not gonna have time even if we got

done on time yes i will i think you're gonna have like two hours yeah i'm have two hours so i don't traffic to your house is bleak bad okay well thank you for being so positive about it all You know what I'm also not into? And wasting a few more minutes. Yeah. I'm also not into you lying to cab drivers. Oh, you want to talk about it? Yeah, let's talk about it.

It's my good week. Is it? Yeah. Okay. Well, Kelty's been doing this thing. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That is not okay.

It's not okay. Wait, are we going to go into good week, Bad Week? Fine. It's time for... Good week. Yes, it is. Bad week. Oh, no.

Let me just set this up. So, Kelty's, quote, good week is that she's doing this weirdly sociopathic thing. Started a new... Fake jobs and cars. It's a game I play. It's insane. It's crazy because these people, like, don't want to talk to you. They don't want to talk to you.

No, they do want to talk to me. That's the problem. Saying a song to the guy driving you yesterday in Nashville, telling him you're a songwriter, and then you proceed to sing to him for 15 minutes, it's awkward. It is one of the wildest things I've ever seen in my life. I was watching your story like, it's still fucking going. Yeah, yeah. it was it was and then he told you good luck in the music business like don't make this guy waste

his good juju on your fake job no okay in my defense people want to small talk with me all day long and i hate small talk so this particular guy driving me was a real talker and so he's like yap yap yap yap yap oh is you guys here for the cma fest yap yap yap oh you are what do you do so much yappy yap yap yap yap 20 minutes of yapping yeah so then i decided that i would yap back instead of just so why don't you clap back truth but it's yeah the truth is like i don't have anything to say about the truth i'm just me i'm so boring all right well are you gonna continue to do this to other people i don't know and then last night i was in the car and i was like she's like what do you do and i was like i'm a magician oh god and then you took a picture

with her for her kids no they love magic see that's why it's not okay that's why it's not okay healthy and then she asked me what my favorite um trick was i said the slicer but i was in the slicer so she's not lying it's like somebody posted in our facebook group about how her mom or her dad is out to dinner and saw blake lively and it was not blake lively but she like was like yeah i'll take a picture with you sure god no don't lie to people i can't all right okay well god's fair here's my bad week so i that's not a god's fair moment it's not appropriate use of god's fair it's not okay you use god's fair when someone is beautiful but then also dumb yeah oh like he can't give you all the good stuff okay not god's fair isn't just like

life happening to you i lie to people in god's fair well if you can't respect my need for quiet in the car then you get a story so i think that you're more describing like um conscious karma his karma yeah yeah okay what's your what's your bad week um okay so i recently did a really big red carpet and i rented a dress it was designer i was so excited i got on the red carpet i was cheesing i had cute hair like i live my life and there's cheesing I like posing I'm so upset right now

cheesing you know what cheesing is? yes we watch you do it every day so I'm cheesing and so I go on the carpet and I always make sure to take my own picture of my pretty dress because I know sometimes the Getty pictures are not like cute the online pictures sometimes they don't even take them

yes right exactly so but that hasn't happened to me in a long time pretty famous now you know all our shows so anyway so then the the red carpet was over and i was doing my favorite post red carpet thing which is google myself oh my god and like there's nothing to be googled why am i not in tony's fashion gallery as no picture number 73 out of 73 you know what i mean like and it's the tony's it's the tony's there's no one there it's lucy lu like the the bar is so low like i should have definitely been in some of them right so that's about it i forgot about lucy lou no then

i do broadway yeah she's doing a play right yeah so then i go on to getty images and i google myself there are no pictures to be seen it was like i wasn't even at the tonys well you're not a new yorker i know but i've been to new york things before and they take my anyway it wasn't so then i was like this cannot stand i called the public and i had them call getty images and they were like please put up the pictures of kelsey we're going to use in the show so they are up but they're up 24 hours too late i'm not in any of the fashion galleries it was a waste of a dress oh my god the most unrelatable wait i have to go to the bathroom you have to be really bad okay go jack what's yours i'm just gonna tell it to you my good week is i have a new show to watch for

everybody to binge and it's amazing but it's sad chernobyl have you guys watched it no it is so good it's like the most depressing thing in the world but nope why i can't do sad i mean it's not sad it's just like fucked up but i can't do that either it's amazing for anybody based on the real life about chernobyl yeah and they go back now and see what's left no no it's not it's not like a real life thing it's like a fiction oh historical fiction oh series but it's very good for anybody that's interested in so weird jack i like you really are a special person love this show no i know it has like better ratings than game of thrones yeah yeah it's really good if you like up shit go watch it my bad week go watch it so i've known jared for like 10 years we've

been dating for almost a year and he is just so wonderful i'm like you know i'm waiting for like the other shoe to drop figure out what's wrong with him yeah it dropped he came to visit me recently he uses bar soap and his bar soap had a pube on it no it is my worst nightmare come to life bar soap with so wait he brought out a bar so he brought his own bar so he brought his own yeah why into my shower and i have like a full thing of asap shower gel like very nice shower gel doesn't matter he brings his own bar soap and i had a hair does he have pubes whose puke is that girl i don't know he's gotta have chest hair maybe it was a chest and also men are never totally clean yeah yeah no he definitely manscaped but yeah it was that

he wears a he has a bar so he has a bar does he have like a little case nope it was just sitting in my in my shower one day just like brings along a bar soap brought his own bar soap that looks like it had been used before so he probably brings it around with him like that's weird it's a very touring musician thing i think oh yeah i mean you can't really bring along like a two liter of shower gel no he's very practical in his in his cleanliness but does he bar soap his face did you ask him probably yeah he doesn't like do any sort of like man moisturizer or anything don't introduce him to any of it or he won't stop and then he'll be buying a hundred dollar going into debt over facials and face cream is he still on the facial train of course yes oh my god can't

break that well listen i'm happy for you i'm i knew the red flags would come some i mean like this is something this is the red flag you're fine i'm fine you know it's just it's just the one thing that i'm like you know i can deal with the bar soap and i can deal with that pube as long as you're not a psychopath low bar it's a give and take low bar all right you're not even ready okay oh shit it's okay you're not even ready for my bad week let's hear it it happened about 30 minutes ago oh yeah so i'm having tummy troubles today yes you are i've had runny poops twice now yep and uh the first time i went in to use the restroom it was between guests on our podcast and i had explosive diarrhea where i felt it go up my back in your core

wait when it like after it's diaper yeah yeah yeah it came back up flash was yeah did it get on your clothes well here's the thing i'm wearing a very long t-shirt it's a size large from lady gang merch and uh it splashed up into my shirt so i just had to sink wash the back of my t-shirt because there was diarrhea oh we've reached a low so there's that my back's wet right now but not from poop from the hand soap it wasn't there's there's that sorry about your tum tums something is wrong with me i think it might be my chugachino that i got from alfred's what's a chugachino if they make it with the the mushroom what is it um it's definitely right it's got to be right anyway um well my good week

is very good so i needed something to listen to on a drive to san diego and i downloaded chelsea handler's audiobook this will be the death of me or no life will be the death of me you guys it is the best thing i've ever read slash listened to in my life you're literally driving on the street sobbing and laughing at the same time it's the greatest writing she's ever done and like the greatest storytelling and she is a fucking beast is it another like autobiography yeah so she spent the last year in therapy like figuring her shit out and she gets so real and so vulnerable but she's still so funny it is crazy like she cries while reading the audiobook now when you say it's the greatest thing you've ever listened to yeah it's way better than lady games guys turn this

off right now is it better than my journal entry about matt nathanson yeah it's so good you guys like she can't wait should we invite her on the pod i would love to she actually reposted my story when i i i instagrammed about it oh that means that you're now in her dm so you can dm her and i know i just love her i think she's fucking amazing i will i mean i think she's probably too big time for us no she's not yes we're the number one podcast in the world that's what i tell people you made that up that is a such a stretch in the world um no she's just guys i can't i'm obsessed with her i'm so glad thank you good job i'm sorry about your diarrhea all right when we come back verbal diarrhea now back to the lady gang

our guest today is an actor host and comedian who likes to keep things just as edgy as us with his not so safe for work content he's written for joan rivers during fashion police and co-created the hit Funny or Die web series, No Looking. During almost any of the day of the week, you can find him performing at the Improv, the Laugh Factory, the Comedy Store, and he's even opened for some of the best, like Sandra Bernard, Whitney Cummings,

and Fortune Feinmeister. Close. Feinmeister. Feinster. And when he isn't on stage, you can find him hosting E!'s Snapchat weekly series, What the Fashion, or even playing the most insane, ridiculous games with us

on the tube. Please welcome to the show someone who takes himself just as seriously as we do, Justin Martindale. yay it's still gonna be here hey we fell in love with you during our viral hit i think we i i fell in love with you guys too like it just clicked it made sense that was one of the funnest things that i think we've done as lady games really i know it went crazy too would you say more people watch that than watch our whole really i think so i'm pretty sure yeah for sure and people really

liked it when you're like what's your favorite part of a man and becca said about his wallet I love it, yes. It was like a feminist anthem for 2019. Yeah, cue fight song right now. This is my fight song. Okay, so first of all, I know you love to cruise. On a ship? Yeah.

Disney cruise? Yeah. You've cruised? I've cruised on a boat, yeah. Tell me about the cruises. Wait, are you a cruise enthusiast? No, I literally just had one job and it was a cruise ship. Wait, that is so different.

And did you stand up on the cruise? I did just stand up on the cruise. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You worked on the cruise. It was 2009. It was like 11 days. I went to Egypt, Greece, and Italy. Did you hook up with any of the staff?

No. Did you go to the staff crew bar? Did anybody go missing? That's where the dirty shit happens on the cruise. There was a place called the Dick Dock, which was like the very top of the ship. Isn't that the Dick Deck? Dick Deck? Is this like a 21 and up cruise?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's a Disney family vacation cruise. No, yes. It's a pro cruise. Is it a Dick Dock? It's called the dick dock. Well, that's the term. Yeah, that's not actually what it's like.

Oh, no. You don't go in the elevator and press, like, what level, Sheila? Dick dock. It's just like a penis. It's just kind of known that it's the dick dock. Yeah. It's like a pornhub cruise. But, like, you go up there, and it's literally, like, just people whispering.

It's like ASMR, like, cruising. It's really weird. But I didn't do it. I didn't partake in it. Why? Because I just wanted to check it out. Because that shit scares me. I don't.

Do you know that the real big problem with cruise ships is that when someone gets diarrhea, everyone gets diarrhea? That makes sense. And do you want to know something else I know about cruise ships? What? I hope no one ever tries to sponsor it. Well, if they do, they probably change their ways. No, we wanted a Lady Gang cruise. I want a cruise.

I'll go on a cruise. I want a cruise. They're fun as hell. I love a cruise. So you know how – I've never been on a cruise. Best part, diarrhea. No.

When you have diarrhea into that water, that water goes down into a tank, is sanitized, and it becomes your shower water. Oh, my God. It's like that dead girl at the Cecil Hotel who, like, fell in the water tank. Yes. Eliza Lamb. Oh, my God. I forgot about that. Isn't that great?

I love that story. It is a crazy fucking story. Anyway, you're showering in poop water. And when I worked on the cruise ship, I had really bad acne because my face doesn't agree with poop water. What's our good friend Morgan Stewart up to these days? You know, she's just living her life on her phone. Selling some leggings. She's selling some leggings.

I'd like to work with her. She's great. I love her. Actually, we have a... Had sex. We're dating. We're cruising. So I have an announcement to make.

Yeah. You've heard it first. No, she's great. It's so funny because I've known Morgan now for about a little over three years. And so, like, I just started in with E! maybe two years ago. And then the year before that, I got my first writing gig. So I've officially, like, stopped waiting tables, like, three or four years ago. Congratulations.

I've done it. I'm now a real person. It's the hardest job. I applause to everybody who's done it. It's awful. However, Morgan would always come into the restaurant that I worked at. And so I was, like, waiting on her. And then we got What the Fashion.

Did you work at Vanderpump? No, God. No, I worked at Fred's Seagull. No, Morgan doesn't need an advantage. But it's just funny now because, like, we've been working together now for a little over two years. And we're finally at that point of we're just like, no, well, like, she can just come right back at me and we just, like, have a blast. But she has a lot. She has the attention span of a mosquito.

But I love her. I call her my sister. Does it piss you off that she has such nice clothes? she buys all those clothes I mean I don't wear those clothes so I don't really she's not jealous of that she looks great however

I will say her shoes always rock my world she has good shoes which I'm not like a big shoe but I like a good a good lady shoe do you think you should write some jokes for Lady Game I mean I can if y'all pay me

no one gets paid no one gets paid This is a volunteer job. It's to be able to say you did it. Oh, good. It's for credit. Oh, resume credit? Yeah, it's for resume credit.

What was it like writing jokes for Fashion Police? It was great. It was very intimidating. I think I did it like once or twice. And my first assignment was the Met Gala. Oh, God. Which was like so intense. The biggest assignment.

Yeah, yeah. And I just remember that being just nuts. And Joan was still doing stand-up. so she would it was like if you've seen her documentary which is fantastic she's like i'm going to new york and now i'm coming back and you're like how how how um and so it was all the met gala looks and like i remember our assignments had to be turned in no later than like three or four o'clock in the morning yeah how much time did you actually get to write the full day it was like you had all day and like every day looks kept coming and coming and coming and then like oh

we're not going to talk about this look so all those jokes got scratched and you're just like ah and then we actually had to go to jones we went to melissa's house and we all sat at a round table and it was like all the writers and then joan and melissa were there they made us all lunch and it was so cool and then they were like joan this is uh justin margo he's riding on the met gala and she's like oh i know justin and he's like no she doesn't and i was like wait maybe she does and so like i'm sure she like googled everybody and like found out that's kind of Cool. And then what's crazy is that I was testing for chlamydia.

No, I was testing for some other e-show, and she was taping down the hallway, and it was like the last time I ever saw her, and she was just like walking down the hall, and she was like, Justin! And I was like, oh my God, really? I mean, she was just great. That's so sweet. She was like three foot two. Tiny.

Tiny! We had Melissa on here, and she told some really good stories. Oh, I'm sure. I love Melissa. I'm sure. Yeah, she's cool. she's cool so it's actually kind of nice to like you know i'm a comedian and it's it's kind of cool that yeah fashion fashion police kind of had its run but it's kind of cool that this is kind of

our show with the fashion is kind of having this little like resurgence of that yeah and how they've kind of like kind of passed the torch over to like another comedian you know so i'm just and it's you and it's me um now that you have a hit snapchat show how many dick pics do you get a day uh i don't get any really i mean i've had a couple but i mean they're like you know in oklahoma they love a good dick you don't like an oklahoma dick i mean that's not uh no oklahoma no i don't know i just it just scares me because it's like oklahoma where the dick picks no thank you congrats on the tony for that girl in the wheelchair the first ever Allie Stroker.

Yes. She was in Oklahoma. No, I'm never on Snapchat, which is weird because I have a show on there. I'm just more of like an Instagal, you know? Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, we have a good time. It's fun.

Yeah. Because we don't take ourselves seriously. Have you ever covered me? Have you ever had like any healthy night moments? Oh, my God. Because I have something pretty good. Doubtful. No, we pretty much.

Do you have to be like real famous? You have to be like. A star? Yeah. A household name. Yeah. However, we had some guy today. I don't remember.

I'm terrible with names. His name is Austin Mahone. Yeah, Austin Mahone. I was a bad luck. Who was wearing the Moschino? Yeah. And all the girls were like, it's fashion. I was like, he looks like a fucking matador.

He always has had the worst style. I called him Austin Mahone. He was like the guy. He was supposed to be Justin Bieber. He was trying to make a Justin Bieber. It was like Austin, Cody Simpson, and Justin Bieber. And then Justin Bieber rose through the trenches. And Cody and Austin.

Austin's hot now, though. I mean, he's Noah Centinella. He's Noah Centinella. Can you show me Austin Mahone, please? I don't know who he is. Austin Mahone? All right, cool. So we did that look.

It was like the Riverdale girls. Yeah. We usually have like, you know, I mean, if it's what the fashion, Hailey Bieber's on there, I'm sure. Kendall, Kylie, Rihanna. Do you get in trouble if you don't like a candle? Like, does Kris Jenner come out and say, I made eight. Don't say anything bad about Kylie. No, it's so funny because my favorite moment right now is that I didn't know who Billie Eilish was before.

Oh, how dare you. I know. Well, no, this was like a couple months ago before bad guy hit the radio. And so people were like, how dare you resign? I'm like, resign from my Snapchat show? What am I to do? Like, resign. People were like, kill yourself.

And so that's what I love about this show is that people come for me, and I'm like, well, how about I check it out, and then I'll like it. And here's the thing I noticed about Billie Eilish. She's a mood. She is a mood. It's a mood. She's an angsty, like, 2019 teen mood. I like it, though.

I like it, too. Yeah, I like it. You know, she's like an Ariana Grande on a bad day mood. Because even Ariana Grande, I'm like, what the fuck is she saying? She's like, mumbling. That's a lot of mumbling. And I'm like, what are you saying?

It's good. I hear you, but I don't know. I'm such a dad. I'm like, speak up. Use your words. Should we put some conditioner in your hair, Bailey? Take a theater class. Enunciate. Where's your vibrato?

Have you ever had, like, a celebrity come after you, like Morgan's had a few? Oh, well, Morgan gets – that's the funny thing. But she doesn't care. Well, no, that's the thing. She drives off of it. It's like if – who came after? It was Justin Bieber and Ariana. Ariana Grande and Justin Bieber came after Morgan.

Because she was – Ariana was, like, sticking up for Justin. Yes, yes, because – yes. What did Morgan say? Tell us the story. She said – Wash your face? Oh. No, I think you said that on Lady Game.

Oh, she said something about his acne or something on Nightly Pop or whatever. Oh, yep, yep, yep. That's cool that Justin Bieber watches Nightly Pop. Well, I know it's great for her. No, it's somebody came for him or whatever. But, like, he can't not realize that he's – never mind. Well, I mean, that's – I haven't had anybody come for me. I know – I mean, I think I would shit myself if it was, like, Ariana Grande was, like, this guy.

And I'm, like, you know. Because you know their fans are fucking crazy. They're all crazy. If they say one comment, you're done. Well, that's so funny because I had to have the Instagram account pull one of the clips that they posted. Because we don't want to come from a negative space. It's fashion. It's stupid.

It shouldn't be taken seriously. However, it's like when you get sent a Katy Perry look every week, you're bound to snap at some point. Oh, God. And I think it was right after the Met Gala where she wore that hamburger costume. Oh, my God. And, I mean, come on. What was that? What was it?

And J-Lo just, like, walks right by her. That was my favorite. And I'm just like. In the bathroom. I was like, okay, Katie, we get it. You're annoying. Or whatever. And they posted that.

And I was like, get that off. I was like, I don't want people. And some kid tried to, but it didn't happen. I was like, drag him. Drag him. People are so psycho. People are so pretty. I also got in a little trouble at the Met Gala.

Oh, can I just tell you? already know what it is because i you saw it on the internet i died laughing and i'm gonna do i'm gonna do an impression of it oh my god here we go wait just tell everyone what happened okay this is when tiffany haddish yeah and chris jenner and chris jenner saw each other and i'm gonna hold on let me mid-interview let me just say this so i'm mid-interview with tiffany and i see right behind me uh-huh chris jenner and cory gamble together in a blonde wig and i know i have to wrap this up with tiffany because she can be long-winded i've already gotten what i needed from you have no idea i've already gotten what i needed the tiff moment is in the bank and i need

the chris moment next and i don't want to lose chris so i thought in my head what i thought was let me connect these two ladies together so i looked over tiffany's shoulder and i was like oh you know who else is ready and then okay here's the impression because i saw this and i think we had just finished our video and I was like oh my god and the fact that it was Tiffany who I know I've known Tiffany for years during stand up and she

I've been waiting for this moment for so long oh my god that's why you're here she ready she is ready and I hit the floor she is ready i was i homogenized into such a northern canada yes it was definitely like a white woman at a

costco like seeing the dvd of girls trip for the first time she ready she is ready i'm dying and so what happened was because okay so first of all i am learning to be a better human I'm constantly make you a bad person but I'm constantly evolving and one of the things I did actually get a very impassioned letter from a viewer of entertainment tonight that said sometimes it can be offensive when you take like slang from different cultures right and you use it like with your co-hosts or whatever when you're like oh girl and like like maybe that's not the place to do it on et and I actually read this letter and it was so well written and I was like you know what they're absolutely right like there is something about that and so then what happened

at the met is i caught myself doing it and that is where the she is ready came from because i was like i was like she's right she ready and then i was like i that's not my vernacular so then i changed it to she is ready which was even worse well but i mean to be fair that's her brand she's been saying that forever that's her like her catchphrase she did come back she came and supported you on twitter because i know there was a nice there was a lot of uh there was a lot of comics out there um making fun of me making fun of you michelle collins and um and then she found out it was me and she's like oh sorry yeah it's okay we do it every week but i was also just kind of like oh like come on like she's trying you know she's that's that should be your catchphrase

she's trying she is trying but i mean that's i mean tiffany didn't take i mean it's not offensive but i do understand everyone's like oh this is culture cultural appropriation like my feelings I mean, I feel like as women, it should be like, yeah, she ready. She ready, you know? And I just thought it was – I love that she had your back for that. No, she did. And I thought that was so cool. Yeah.

She said, everyone can use my catchphrase. Exactly. Well, that's the whole reason. That's the whole purpose of it, I think, is to empower women rather than being like, oh, well, she got it wrong. And you sound like an asshole where you're like, oh, that sounds really white. You know what I mean? It's like, come on. And it did sound really white.

But in like the most – I mean, it made you aware, like, oh, this is her catchphrase, this is her brand, and you were just letting her know, you know? That I saw her, that Kris Jenner was ready to interview with me, and Tiffany needed to get out of the way, you know? That's what I was, she's, anyway. And Tiffany was like, she is ready to go. What I wanted to, anyway, okay, that's over. Scratch! No, I wanted it to be over, and so I didn't follow up with Tiffany, because what I wanted to know was, like, but should I say she is ready?

No, just say she's ready. Okay. But then that's not what the writer, the person who wrote you is saying you should do, right? So it's like a tough. It's a tough situation. Maybe just don't use it. No, I'm not going to use it. Which is unfair to Tiffany.

Yeah. Because. What's up, Tiff? I know. Tiffany said it's for all. It is for all. I'm going with that. So with Liberty and Tiffany for all, right?

Let's do it. Okay. All right. We're going to play a game because we had a viral moment with you and we did an ASMR interview. If you haven't seen it, it's on YouTube and it's hilarious. And so we're going to do an ASMR interview with our questions for you. Oh, how the tables have turned.

Okay, so everyone get their quiet voice on. Okay. Okay, are you ready? Okay, first question. You sound like you have emphysema. Yeah, you do. Smoking can kill. Okay.

Are you more likely? Well, they won't be able to hear you if you're laughing. Are you more likely to cheat if you're hot? yes yes yes next question how would you ask your partner to have a threesome talk about it communication yeah like hey let's like spice it up a little bit and let's just kind of put some names in a hat i think you have to do it when you're blacked out drunk so it's not awkward

don't do that because then I have done that and it's not fun because you have a limp dick because we all have whiskey dick and it lasts forever and then you wake up and you're like we need to end this you're like now we need to break up

do not help should bad kissers get a second chance no you gotta learn that shit yeah no but a bad kisser with you might not be a bad kisser with somebody else they can find their match but what if you are but what if you are the bad kisser the entire time and you think you're not fuck i think i am

i'm i'm just like let's move on i gotta get shit done enough of this i had to play a game once where i was like let's kiss for five minutes you know what relationship book said it would be good for my marriage oh my god that's a long kiss what's your least favorite word my least favorite word is cream I have the phrase moist crusty panties that was on the video I remember it I don't really have it for it I don't like

cream coagulate like heavy whipping cream so fluffy would you date someone without a job guilty the power of Christ compels you Kelty's now

exercised her mouth opened so wide when she did that would you date someone without a job oh my god now you're like a witch would you date someone without a job I have

you're like I am I am that person I don't have a job I have dated somebody without a job but it was for a very quick time because they're like i'm trying and i'm like no you're not get out there get a job okay are broke men better in bed broke broke i'm a little like um lightheaded from breathing like that

i don't i mean i don't think i don't think financially financial status means you're bad in bed i don't know but i mean you know i've dated a lot of broke guys that are i mean i'm a stand-up comic for god's sakes i've had my fair share i've been that fair share i am share share asmr Oh, if I could turn it back down. I'm dying. Dust. Oh, my God.

I can't. Just asking normal voice, please. No, we're not done. It's almost done. How does your underwear change? How does your underwear change as your relationship progresses? Oh. More granny panties when you go to bed.

Right. Yeah, wear them out. A little looser. Yeah. A little holes. Yeah, if I don't wake up with one ball coming out, then what am I doing? Ball on the loose. A ball on the loose?

It's like Man on the Run. Ball on the loose. That's not what I was going to do. Like I wanted to be Indiana Jones with my ball. Like the boulder. Like the boulder? My boulder holders. Ew, Kelty.

It was so moist. Okay, two more. How long can you go without a shower? Seven days. What? You can't? I have to shower every morning. I have to shower at least once a day.

Me too. I can't. You have beautiful hair. That's because I shower. Wait, Kelty. Is yours really seven days? You go seven days without washing my hair? Sure.

No, no, no. A shower. A body shower. A body shower? Yeah, like three days. That is sick. Do you change your underwear? You're the girl I smell when I go in the public restroom.

do you change your underwear every morning of course but your vagina is dirty you can wipe a vagina it's still dirty well you're what i smell the airport bathroom the people that the people talk shit but does he have you never have you never gone on a hike in rwanda where there wasn't showers go fuck yourself sorry i'm not no that is the biggest like champagne first world bullshit i've ever heard have you ever been she's taking too many cruise showers over here i didn't want to shower in the diary water what does your vagina smell like after day three that's sick we're shaming her so hard okay let's pull the lady gang how often do you shower i mean i prefer I heard a shower once a day, but I could go three days without a shower.

What does that even mean you could? Like if you were trapped in a room and you had no option? Yeah. Or like in normal life. Voluntarily. Like are you Brie Larson in room? I was just thinking that. Okay, next topic.

What do you do when someone tells you to smile? Smile. Yourself. What? Oh. Smile. I think I'm like a good person. But if someone's like, smile, I'll be like, what does that mean?

I feel like you have the face to play Santa Claus. What the fuck? I feel like I'm tripping on my... I know. Someone needs to wash her cooch over there. Those toxins are getting in her blood. No, like, your face is so jolly. Oh, thanks.

Well, I've been working out. Jolly face. It's just a smiley. There's so much joy. Thanks. Yeah, it's cold. Like, don't you think you would make a great Santa? He has smiley eyes.

Your eyes. It's because I have a bank account. All this is happening. Ten plus years and I got money in the bank. There you go. I got health insurance, motherfucker. I got Postmates last night. Oh, shit, girl.

You know. It wasn't even the $2.99 special. No. It was. Drop it like it's hot. Okay. When we come back. She is ready.

She is something else. She is so ready. Drop it like it's hot. I've missed y'all so much. Oh, God. She is ready. Drop it like it's hot. Do you know what?

When I was... I mean, now, that's what I call Kelty. Volume 10. Honestly. Shorty get low from the windows to the wall. To the sweat drop down my balls. I peed a little bit. I can't wait to smell.

Skeet, skeet, Mother Kelty. And she's not going to fucking shower it out. Skeet, skeet, skeet. Oh, my God. What the fuck? I'm going on. Okay, when we come back, Justin's going to help you figure out your life. And obviously, I'm going to stop talking.

You're listening to The Lady Gang. We're back. We're back. Oh, my gosh. Should we turn these down now? Yeah, we'll turn them down. Oh, that was fun. We have ASMR'd.

Wow. ASMR'd. We've ASMR'd. ASMR'd. Okay. Okay. This part of the podcast, we have our listeners writing questions, and we give them questionable advice.

Really? Yeah. Okay. Are you ready? Sure. To DR Abby it up. ask the lady gang first question comes from help please it's me it's me excuse me i offended i'm a senior in college and i've been dating my boyfriend for

two years at the beginning of our relationship my boyfriend and my friends were on great terms and we would all hang out together now my friends said that they don't like him and can't even be in the same room as him without being rude i love my boyfriend and we are planning a future together but i can't help to think that if something is off on my friends and they have such a bad attitude towards him is it a red flag if your friends don't like your boyfriend please help here's what's happening please help um you need to find out why your friends don't like him yep like something happens straight up they obviously tell you that they can't be in a room with them and you need to be the grown-up person and be like why because it sounds like he might have cheated on you

or he's bill cosby or yeah like something happened because i mean i think your friends are your friends for life and they have your best interests at heart and i mean if they if they just don't like this guy if maybe they don't like him because he treats you bad or i mean i'm not going to make assumptions because i'm not there but it just sounds like they have dirt on this guy and you need to check it and you check in with him and be like hey what's up with my friends because if he's like i i get along with your friends he's lying yeah you're like delusional but also if he's like you know your friends suck then you need to be like wait no no no and i mean you've been with your friends longer than this guy yep so and they liked him at the beginning and they

left so something happened we did and if you are friends of please help please help yeah he's Because, yeah, it's not, well, I don't want to say he's cheating on you, but they definitely have some dirt on him. Yeah, they know. They saw, someone saw him at a bar with his ball chasing another woman. And they need to step it up and be those friends to be like, we need to talk to her. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

That was great advice. Yikes. Thanks. Please help. Because I've been there. Okay. Second question comes from Anonymously Anonymous. I feel like I'm outgrowing my best friend.

We've been friends for a while now, but recently I feel drained whenever I hang out with her. I've even been finding excuses not to hang out. I'm currently 28, and she's only two years younger than me. She's single, doesn't work, lives off her parents, and lives with a friend while I have a committed boyfriend, two jobs, and a house. We're at completely different points in our lives, and while she wants to go out all the time and go to bars, I want to stay at home, save money, and be lazy because I've been working all week. I love her, and she's the type of friend who would do anything for her friends, but hanging out with her is beginning to feel more like an obligation.

i want to talk to her about it but i don't want to hurt her feelings and i know it would hurt her what do i do am i being a selfish snob and how do i talk to her about this you are not being a selfish snob you are what we call adulting yes and it is totally fine to adult and it's great congrats on all the success you're doing and growing and finding out who you are and she needs to realize that she's no longer that you know 22 23 year old girl she needs to grow up but She's not going to know that until it's her time. It's her time. Yeah.

And it maybe as a friend, rather than be like, oh, I'm going to give up on my friend. Maybe your friend just needs that fire under her ass to be like, hey, like I'm kind of doing this. And either you can join me and be with me on this level or not. And that's totally fine. I've had to do that with a couple of people before where it's just like, you know, because or they've just been bad influences where they're just like, hey, we're going out and we're doing this. And it's like, I have no money to be spending all of this non-existent money on. Right. And I think she said in the beginning, she said, I feel like I'm outgrowing my best friend.

And that's totally fine. Yeah. It happens to the best of us. And there's nothing wrong with either of you. But you have responsibilities. Yeah. You know? And that's fine.

It also doesn't mean you can't be friends anymore. No. You're going to change and, like, be, like, I have a lot of friends right now that are in their young child phase. Where, like, everyone's going on play dates and, like, parades and, like, building things out of construction paper. And I'm like, I'm good. Yeah. I love you. I still love you.

You're in like a spit up potty training phase. No, thank you. That I'm not coming to that party, but like, I still love you and I'll see you on wine night. Wine night. Yes. You know, and it makes me kind of question like where the friend, the, the younger friend is at her life.

You know what I mean? She's just younger and people mature differently and it's fine, but it's like, you can take a break, hang out with her like every so often and still be friends and still be there for her. Don't go to the bar. Communicate. Don't go to the bar. Jack still goes to the bar and we let her be in the group.

Imagine that. I go to a bar. What bar was it? All the bars. All the bars. She's never not at a bar. She's here. She's at a bar.

I like to have a good time. What can I say? She's an enthusiast. I'm always down for a pickle bag. Ooh. I just got pickle salt, and it's really good. I have pickle popcorn. It's back at Trader Joe's.

Don't get me started. So freaking out. Okay. Last question comes from Anonymous as well. Hi, I'm 21 and about to graduate from university and move back home to be with my family. I unexpectedly fell in love this year with an incredible guy. It's so easy to be with him. He supports me in whatever I do, and I always feel like myself.

He's staying in the same city we went to school in because he's landed a great job, and we talked about doing long distance for the summer. He's really keen on this, but I can't help to think how difficult it will be. I love him, and I want to be with him, but should I end it now so we can end on good terms, or should we try it? End it now. You're 21. You're 21.

Yeah. Don't get married until 30. Dude, long distance is hard. Especially when you're 21. And when you're 21, go spread your wings. fly everyone and date a bunch of people and if you're meant to be you'll find your way back to each other exactly i'm gonna be the last person no i mean sorry it's like that's great and yes you're at that phase like i'm an adult and this is what i need to do now and no you have no idea

no there's so much time so much time the most time the go to italy have a love affair with someone who doesn't even speak your language named ronaldo or something ronaldo yeah he brings you a latte after he does you oh my god you don't like a latte i'm more of a i'm more of a cold brew kind of a guy okay yeah you're too young you're too young but good luck to you you were actually so much nicer with our advice than you are like ever i know well to like normal you weren't shady i thought you were gonna be real shady well because i've been there i've been there and i You're like a stripper with a heart of gold. Thank you.

I get that a lot. A heart of emerald or sapphire. Sapphire. Heart of sapphire. I feel like there's actually people taking time out to ask questions about, like, help me. You're right. We should be nice here. We should actually take the time.

I'll give advice. I like giving advice. And it's also, like, what you see on what the fashion is totally. You're a multifaceted person. You have depth. I'm an Aries and a Pisces, so there's that. I'm a Pisces in relationships and an Aries in the sheets. Go.

You need to flush that one out a little bit. I'm not a water or a fire sign. I'm steam. Oh, my. That was better. That just got really sassy. All right. You guys can follow Justin at Justin Martindale.

It's just literally Justin Martindale. Yeah, and there's a blue tag. Oh, you got a blue tag. She's verified. I saw your blue check after we talked to you about getting it I know you were like how do I get verified I was like I am not a person

what's happening has life changed no I mean it's just because people can find me now so it's just because I mean there's not a lot of Justin Martindales but people were like but then people were like why are you hosting like a show and you're not verified I'm like I don't know how this works

you can also tune into What the Fashion on E and when are you performing next where can we get tickets Oh, I will actually be at the Hollywood Improv tomorrow night with Fortune Feimster. Fortune Feminimester? Yes. No, Fortune Feimster, Christopher Angiola, and then I will be in – It's okay.

We'll go to your website. I'm with Jim Jefferies on the road right now. Cute. So go to jimjefferies.com, and you can find out where I'm going to be. I'm going to be in Reno like the 22nd. Bye, or something like that. So cool. Yeah, and follow me on Instagram because I'll post all that stuff up there.

Justin, thank you for making us global wonders. Yes. You're the best. You're the best. Thank you for having me. This was so fun. okay time for picklebacks um how do we end the show i just keep thinking three two see you next time we wind up like this see you next tuesday oh we ready thanks for listening

the lady gang is produced by alex ingbert will sterling steve delameter and jared monaco make sure you subscribe rate and review our podcast and if you love it share it with your friends on social media like oh my god i just listened lady gang this episodes are great swipe up to listen and if you really want to which we know you do please follow us on social at kelty at becca at jack vanek and at the lady gang sign up for our newsletter at the lady gang.com and join our secret facebook group it's super fun see you next tuesday