LadyGang - LadyHang: Live In Dallas!

Episode Date: June 24, 2019

The tour is kicking off and the Ladies have landed in their first stop in the Lone Star State with a game of wits with their fans, a regional round of Wassa Happening, and giving some much needed advice about handling f**k boys. Also...gators.Follow the podcast on Instagram @theladygang and email Jac, Becca and Keltie at [e-mail]! And check out the TV show page's official page @ladygangtv! Check out new episodes of the LGTV show every Sunday at 11:00 only on E! And thank you to today's sponsors: Amazon = Go to Amazon.com/shop/ladygang to find their favorite products while keeping the podcast FREE!  Honey = Download Honey today at JoinHoney.com/LADY MTV's Real World: Atlanta = Check out all the drama streaming now only on Facebook Watch Noom = Visit Noom.com/LADYGANG to start your trial today Nutrii = Get 15% off your entire order at Nutrii.com with promo code LADYGANG Rothy’s Shoes = Go to Rothys.com and enter LADYGANG to get your new favorite flats and free shipping The Real Real = Get 20% off select items at TheRealReal.com with promo code REALSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey guys, the following podcast is a Lady Gang Network and Podcast One production, which means it's going to be awesome. hello hello hello and welcome to the lady gang dallas whoa whoa well for those of you plus ones out there i'm so sorry i'm becca tobin kelty knight and jack vanek yo by the way kelty uh is a little bit sick maybe sort of with a voice i have been on vocal rest like celine dion i got us i got a steroid shot in the dallas airport yesterday yeah the guy told me it was one of the only in the world where you could get a urgent care in an airport shout out dallas you really did it you guys know how to do it right thank you

so much for being here and we want to give a huge thank you to kettle one botanical for sponsoring our tour this summer you do too it's really good and we have info yeah info what you guys are drinking uh no carbs no added sugar no artificial sweeteners and um 40 percent less calories than white wine so you guys drinking white wine that's so awkward for you right now and you guys know that i am in a spritz connoisseur and if i put my stamp of approval on a new spritz you know it's pretty damn good can you tell us about our flavors jack my flavors well number one you guys have drank the bar out of the grapefruit you've almost drank the bar out of the peach and then we have cucumber mint left and they're all delicious and we are drinking them as well now it might be time

for yes you are hired yes i'm going first i have a little good week and it's like a full circle moment for me i don't know if anybody remembers my story of how i lost my virginity it's a doozy um you know it happened in a city called billings montana after getting blackout drunk at a buffalo wild wings and inside a seedy pay-by-the-hour motel well the guy that i lost my virginity to is from dallas so up until he's here and here he is i actually might be seeing him in two weeks um so he was a douchebag and my only memories of being in Dallas have not been the best it's been me like crying on the floor of a bathroom or him making out with a girl in front of me but I have to say my little full circle moment is I couldn't think of a better city

to start our lady gang touring than Dallas you guys are amazing and that guy you know that guy that guy what's his name i hate him yeah maybe lay off the spritzes babe i'm rowdy okay my bad week so oh no i i know was that bad that could be his bad week that's his bad week small penis you anyway so allegedly allegedly allegedly i honestly don't really remember don't get us bigger or smaller than your first how could you compare it what it was your first time i know and then that whole period of my life i try to she's had so many dicks since i've had a lot to compare it to okay my bad week i was at a coffee shop recently minding my own business doing some work and this annoying couple sits next to me it's guy and a

girl they're canoodling they're pdaing they're making out it's i'm like can you get a room you assholes so i go to get my airpods out of my purse because i'm like trying to you know block them out and I go to get my AirPods. I knock my purse over and everything just spills out onto the ground, including my pill box of Ambien, my favorite sleeping pill in the entire world. I can't sleep without it. So I'm like, oh fuck. So I'm crawling around on the floor, hands and knees, trying to get all of my pills up one by one. Ooh, it'll probably hit you. So I'm picking them up one by one and i finally get to the last pill it is lodged in between the toes of this man wearing flip-flops right next to me and i really came at a crossroads in my life i'm like does this one

good night's sleep matter so much for me to face my fear of feet what did you do and it did i tapped him i tapped him on the leg and i'm like excuse me sir my vitamin fell in between your toes can I get it? And all he does, he just lifts his foot up and I have to, no. And then I took it last night when we were having all those conversations last night, I was on Ambien. Great. Wow. I wouldn't have even done that for birth control. Good for you. I'm going to start with my bad week. Um, so I occasionally like once every 10 years get a fan interaction, someone who's very excited to meet me and I was in Sephora the other day just filling up my basket as you do just with things I didn't need and this girl runs up to me looks like a lady ganger and she's like

oh my god I'm so excited to meet you I'm shaking I'm sorry this is so embarrassing I was like it's totally fine like nice to meet you and she's like I'm such a big fan of yours like I've watched you from the beginning and you your voice is amazing and I was like keep going what else she's like oh my god you look so pretty in person and we're talking and i ask her her name we have a conversation about her new baby it goes on and on and on and then she's like do you think they're gonna bring nashville back did you think you were hayden pennantier this is the worst part you guys i still thought she was just making convo and i was like i don't know i mean maybe it was a great show I didn't realize until after our interaction

that she thought I was Hayden Panettiere. She still thinks she met her and she also is probably really confused why when she asked about my baby I said, I don't have one. But are you a psychic?

Do you see something in here? Yeah, she's like, are we role-playing? I don't know what's happening. So no, I'm not Hayden Panettiere. Did you guys take a pic? Did you take a fan pic? Thank God. Thank God. Brutal. Okay. My good week. I need my, I have a asset that I need. Yes, girl. Okay. So Kelty, I'm so glad you actually just prompted me for this because

what does Kelty hate more than anything in the world? Let me tell you a little, a little story. This week I was in the lady gang office and Kelty was in London or somewhere else, not there and i go over and i use her desk to do a few things and i look on the desk and i'm like notice to appear this looks serious i look further upon inspection and i find that our little kelty knight ran a red light and oh there was a red light camera and i have evidence to prove it you guys she is she's incognito with sunglasses and a lady gang hat with a coffee mug covering most of her face like she's famous it looks like america's most wanted basic bitch like just a photo of this bitch breaking the rules in her teeny tiny car and her big old mug of tea

so kelty knight rule breaker the rule breaker wow i have a good week for those of you who might not know me well i'll just give you a little background i hate jake gyllenhaal hate him didn't like him walked off a red carpet for me once we did an entire montage on the television show about my hatred for him well this week i flew to london to interview jake and the movie studio did write and say it's so weird there's like this montage on e-online of kelty talking shit on jake is that gonna be a problem for the interview no no she was just joking but i want to take this time to share with you that the feud is no more oh what happened

jakey jakey he liked my dress he asked me a question about my tattoo and commented oh it's weird that someone like you who holds a microphone all the time would have so many hand tattoos almost i would have wait does he know that you hate him no i don't think so so that his like rap didn't show him that montage of you talking shit so then you know on james corden this week he did the greatest jill and hall of all i don't know if anyone saw it he sang the whitney houston song with james corden it was like i'm the greatest jill and hall so i sang a little bit a little bit in the interview with him he sang back at me we sang a motherfucking duet wow you know what you've come a long way in your jake circle of life and now when everyone

asks me who's your favorite celebrity who's the nicest hugh jackman you're out jake gyllenhaal you're in okay now here's where it all went to shit my bad week so i had i was a little under the weather i'm in london i'm doing my talkbacks i'm very jet lagged my life is so hard um and all of a sudden I'm doing ET and the tweets come coming, coming tweets, tweets, tweets from all these like superhero fans. And I was like, Oh, this is a new group of people who can follow me. And I guess in my stupor of cold medicine, I accidentally was like, and I sat down with a cast of Superman in London. It was, it was Spider-Man. And now the whole world knows my mistake and all the comic book people you're lucky i'm alive were they coming at you they were

like super fan idiot superhero fans are crazy like and none of them are here i don't think it's not our demo okay well we also have a special treat yeah we do you guys filled out good week bad weeks and popped them in a little box um and we chose some of our favorites and we will be reading them a live read a live read dramatic read you want to start so these i guess all ended up being anonymous right mine's not it's not mine either i got a first and a last name well first one comes from anonymous uh she said it's the second time i've ever been away from my daughter for a night from san antonio hashtag mom's day you deserve it girl get it i see your silhouette going back and forth we love you this seems like

a really stupid thing to waste your free day i'm so sorry i hope you're at least getting drunk we love you better i hope you're good weeks okay my good week yeah this is macy from instagram wait macy where are you macy said kelty said she'd french kiss me because we're both a little sick macy is it the same macy from man bun macy different macy well we like macy's okay okay a makeouts on your way um i am finally off for the summer congratulations to all the teachers out there we made it wendy was that yours oh there's a lot of teachers oh i'm scared for america's children wendy is this your friend this is wendy yes how many brides is this oh bride oh you're here with the bride this is not your bachelorette party is it

oh wow we hate weddings weddings we're not coming unless you have an open bar thank god what's your name it's open bar good do you have kettle one botanical yeah we have some bottles for you what's your name who are you marrying kristin is he a boy does he wear flip-flops it is okay okay okay you can marry him she said i wouldn't marry him of chris okay bad week this is a weird one um bad week says i got toilet dick mouth what's that where are you what's that wait let's all make a prediction of we didn't know what this was so we're gonna like make a prediction of what it is okay you can tell us if it's we're right

if we're right is that you oh no okay we're gonna guess and then you can tell us what it really is toilet dick mouth is when you're giving a blow job to someone and their dick tastes like a toilet diarrhea diarrhea that's a toilet a little splash that goes on the side that just stays there until your cleaning lady comes she went too far right yeah i was almost thinking that like the dick was an adjective and it's maybe if you get too drunk and you're throwing up and then like it's like the toilet dick aroma of the oh you know that just sits in your mouth here's mine so he's got a huge penis and he sits down when he pees so he sits down and the little tip of his penis falls into the toilet water that's what it is wait but how

i have more questions congratulations okay hold on this lady gang member her name is what she's anonymous don't say her name she's anonymous you're the spokesperson britney is her spokesperson because what's your last name toilet deck water is embarrassed okay can you please use it in a complete sentence give it to us a little story i went out last night and i got toilet dig mouthed no you need to tell us what it is but i like you using in a sentence i like your style listen we might put this in our lady gang book for a lady gang dictionary it might be last edition yeah yeah so we need a full definition okay so when you're shit when you're with a guy and his

penis is too big and it does hit the water well it's very common i will tell you there's a post in the lady gang facebook group about it i guess i'm getting divorced and they don't tell you they don't tell you that their dick hit the toilet and so obviously when you're drunk and you go home with them that they are now you have toilet dick mouth okay so wait he's wow it's when he takes a shit and his penis apparently as a group we have asked husbands and one night stands um that i like that if their dick has ever hit in the toilet water i see a man right here come up here what's your name okay what's your name ryan ryan who are you here with brian you're a good man brian brian i know that you've had sex before because it's ryan ryan right i hate your

name real okay tell us has your penis ever touched the toilet water no because i'm polite he's polite oh have you ever heard of guys like in the locker room doing that no i've never it's like oops it fell in i never heard it ryan did you think you were gonna get uh pulled up on stage today no okay good job okay job and i'm still confused i'm not but here's what i'm confused about if you're one of these men who have an extra large penis are you the candidate to sit when peeing men are animals out of courtesy to the woman whose mouth the penis is going in don't let it drop in the water no and that's why i carry wet wipes everywhere i go next time you just got a okay well thank you guys for submitting um there were some really good ones

but those were our favorites yep okay that's the end of that segment the lady gang time for allegedly what's a happening texas edition i looked up stories of weird things that have happened like you would someone say a florida story but i would call it a texas story you guys what is going on over here this shit is crazy yeah it's human and it's weird down here it is like the humidity is like okay so we're gonna start with this first topic a man named leslie died at the age of 75 rather than writing an obituary here's what showed up in the newspaper leslie's hobbies included being abusive to his family expediting trips to heaven for the beloved family pets and fishing he served no obvious purpose in life leslie's passing

proves that evil does in fact die and hopefully marks a time of healing and safety for all honestly expedited trips to heaven for pets yeah what the yeah i can like texas i can't wait to write an obituary like this for some people so this is like in the newspaper it was in the newspaper was it written by his wife i have no idea i mean there was a lot more does anyone know leslie he said no services will be held there will be no prayers for eternal you leslie no one cares whoa okay rest in peace rest in peace texas okay uh this one is not some of them are texas news came out that broke my heart this week whitney houston was never on

the poster for the bodyguard that's her body double oh is that her from the back yes the iconic movie of our childhood the bodyguard with whitney houston and kevin frazier kevin frazier kevin costner i will always love you thank you so much are you guys too young for this movie poster she's just being carried i want to run to you it's not her well here's the thing she probably got paid just as much for it she just didn't have to show up it's not upsetting to either of you that whitney wasn't on the poster it's upsetting that we're talking about two people that are no longer with us so kevin costner is still with us babe leslie is no longer with us i feel upset this is dark and now you're bringing up whitney okay i'm sorry i can't kevin costner

still alive yes oh oh my god all right texas i want a show of hands is this normal texas a&m student took her graduate photos with a gator a gator like a real life gator touched a gator her name's mckenzie who's eaten a gator in this room i have gator tastes like the sausage well i had a gator like chewy chicken yeah yeah that's what i've heard i'm just how do you not get eaten during the photo shoot they tape the mouth right tame slash yeah it's so sad have you done it who's gator you own a gator oh it's the girl's pet alligator that she took a photo with okay a pet alligator texas it's not a thing here who here has a pet alligator oh who knows someone with a pet alligator that's the real question oh a few

hands are going up oh she's from louisiana but you have a pet alligator okay i have an idea if we in fact do get lady gang season two should we do our we should do all of our ads just with that alligator i mean i'll for sure just do the photo shoot for the season two with an alligator i can borrow him ari gary gary the alligator that's a good alligator how long do alligators live they're probably like turtles they live for like 200 years the friend that came with She's drinking her Spritz and she's like, long time. Long time. Wow, Gary.

Okay, next topic. Katherine Schwarzenegger. You know who that is? New bride. Yes. Big fan. So on Instagram, she's been oversharing since the beginning of this relationship. What are you a fan of?

No, I'm not a big fan. That was a fan. Kelty just accused someone else of oversharing on Instagram. Did we catch that? Yeah. Okay. She did a little picture of Chris Pratt. It was his birthday or something.

And she called him an angel face. That's the story. Let's go around the room and say. What the fuck, Catherine? The worst pet name that you could call your significant other or that he could call you. Angel Muffin. Angel Muffin. We're also in Texas, so I feel like these work a little better here than if they would in L.A.

My biscuit. biscuit pudding gravy angel face this is a 45 year old man it is you can call your baby angel face like your six month old baby not your 42 year old husband on his second wedding you know what i mean he's not an angel face he's not an angel face another broke up with someone on his second wedding she says judgmentally on her also second wedding yeah marriage as someone who's also been married twice i can make fun of people that get married twice i don't call my husband angel face i'm like you'll do what do you call him i don't talk about him on instagram she literally just calls him chris chris next topic so no to the angel faces everyone we're gonna go an adult

angel face it's creepy no except you right well leslie isn't he as his age ryan kind of is an angel face don't look at it so ryan is an angel face yeah okay next my next job a repairman got trapped in an atm in texas he was changing the lock on the door that connects the atm room he locked himself in worse still the man had left his phone in the truck he couldn't call for help so he decided to start passing slips of paper to customers using the atm asking for help and was rescued no texas texas texas you guys are survivors we get our people out of situations i love this how long was he there for it didn't say what would you write on the slip of paper help i would be like more specific alcohol please threw a straw underneath guess who

is officiating Jax and Brittany's wedding. Lance Bass? That's random. Lance is available for any wedding. Not nice. It's just because they literally...

Would you have officiated their wedding if they asked you? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, for sure. Of course. Okay, I have one last one. Texas just passed a law that you can hunt

wild hogs and coyotes from hot air balloons. Whoa! That's really Texas. Very Texas. So it was against the rules and they were using helicopters and then the helicopters scared the animals away

and balloons have been reinstated. I feel like those bullets can kind of jump all around the place. I don't know if a giant balloon and a bullet is where I feel safest. No, not at all. However, I do have a friend who got very sick from coming in contact with a hog. Have you heard of this? Not the swine flu.

Close. But he, like, was almost paralyzed from the hog, so. How did he come in contact with the hog? Let's do it. He was hunting it. In a helicopter. Or a hot air balloon. All right, well, that's the end of Allegedly.

Texas, you're f***ed up. But we love you. Not as f***ed up as Florida, though. Florida still has the best ones. Is it time for our game? Becca, explain the game. Okay, we're playing a game. Jack and I don't know what these questions are.

It's a trivia game. It's called Lady Gang or Lady Shame. And we're playing against some lucky audience contestants. Yeah, the people are coming up. Do you have them already pre-chosen? I think they're pre-chosen. Where are they? Right there? These five super fans of the Lady Gang

are going to compete against the actual Lady Gang. These two idiots. On who knows more about the Lady Gang. I couldn't play because I know everything about the Lady Gang because it's all in a spreadsheet. Now, do you ladies believe that you do know a lot about us? she just said she's the shit i love that when you talk into the mic you have to talk into it like it's a dick penis from the toilet toilet toilet dick okay so you guys feel like you've

listened yes you feel unsure she's unsure she's oh we've got an imposter i'm a newer lady yours well we might as well get ryan up here ryan do you want to be like a phone of friends like just in case no there's no phone of friends we did that in LA it did not work oh it didn't work out well no there's no this is it

okay now what's going to happen is I'm going to ask a question to either side lady gang or non-lady gang and you're going to get 10 seconds to talk

to each other and then I will ask you for your final answer and you get one final answer if you're right you're right if you're wrong you're wrong

I can't be bought okay alright and if you win you're going to get a present what do we get if we win

you get nothing all right are you guys ready yes are you sure are you guys gonna scream they're gonna scream out the answers aren't you okay do not getting loose and i need you to do not i'm gonna need some help you're helping us yeah i mean help who you want okay super fans are up first can i get a like a is there a drum roll probably not we didn't prepare for that okay yeah drum roll uh Uh, shake it, shake it, shake it. Okay. How old is Jack Vanek? 10 seconds on the clock. 10, 37, 9, 8, 21, 7, 6, 5. Okay. Done. Final answer. Final answer. Oh God, guys. Oh, this is not going on. Trust your gut. Okay. Say it into the mic, please. Jack, we love you. We think you

are 32. Yeah. Good job. Or 23. One point. Has anyone ever told you you look like Peyton Panettiere for real? Um, honestly, yes. I'm not taken away. I went on vacation to Mexico. I love you. This is, this is, this is Hersha. Hello, welcome to the Paige podcast. I went on vacation and I may or may not have signed that I was Peyton Panettiere because she was doing a movie in mexico at the time yes that's what you need to do we're gonna be on a vacation nor deny that i did that late again next question yeah there you go okay nervous name three guests that we have had on the show more than one time how do i know these things i know ali fedotowski our first guest ever for correct leah michelle correct and darren chris correct

and i forget everything wow i didn't realize we'd had double dip so much into my friends yes we have this proves how much no one really wants to come on the podcast yeah fans what was the original name of the lady gang 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 we have an answer the fimpire ding ding ding ding aka voldemort voldemort lady gang how many episodes have we made of the podcast 10 9 8 7 6 269 so close does anyone know someone's looking at you know she knows if you guess it right now it says it on our app it's 250 oh a two solid 250 oh my solid 250 it says it on the app i know exactly okay fans this one's hard name three boy guests that we've

had on the show 10 boys nine eight seven the boys are the best five four okay hold on let your friend hold the mic uh my personal favorite and kelty's personal favorite matt nathanson wait by the way did anybody else love kelty's journal entry about matt nathanson more than anything ever that was like sadness it was prime kelty holy shit he's not texting me as much as used to uh colton underwood yeah love him and rupaul good okay so what's the third one rupaul okay what's the score i think we're tied we haven't gone yet three i thought you said aaron paul and i was like did i miss three to one three to one you weren't there three to one okay lady gang what is kelty's middle name colleen good i didn't think you'd get we literally just

talked about this like 10 minutes ago. I know. Because you used it as your last name for like a decade. Oh my god, you know me so well. I actually don't know, what's your last name? She'll never say it. Knight. Voldemort. But her old married last name, wasn't it Dick? It was Toilet Dick.

Yeah. Kelty Toilet Dick. Fans, this one's hard. We had a television show on E! TBD past or present. On Lady Gang TV, Nicole Scherzing was on the show and she said this finish this quote you da bad ten nine eight seven what's your final answer none of these sluts watch the tv show if they did we would still be on

what's the answer bitch say that with some conviction you the bad bitch say it in a full sentence you the bad you the bad bitch everybody turn to the person next to you and tell them that they're the bad bitch you look at each other you the bad bitch are you looking you weren't even looking at each other you didn't look at do it now for just by solo look at each other in the eyes you the bet you are a bad bitch you have a tat on your shoulder you better scream it bitch you're the baddest bitch in here i'm too scared to get a tattoo okay good much better yes yes okay next okay lady gang how many episodes of lady gang tv did we make 16 is that right wow cool no one responded i'm sweating what are the fans you're gonna win anyway but here's

here's your question what are the names of kelty and becca's dogs 10 callie and orly oh my yes did you get every single one angel faces she does have an angel face last question i don't think i say orly for the lady gang how many times did backstreet boy aj mclean say a woman must orgasm during sex twice it's true he did say that is anybody sexually turned on by aj mclean or is it just me and kelsey i don't know why either okay it's a dark magic it's a dark i'm like i have a curse over me it's it's all consuming for them finalize our game with three questions correct the lady gang and with all their questions correct

the fans yes can you bring out their prizes please prizes are coming out you guys what the f*** they just won it's all alligators I mean it was rigged but whatever enjoy

that was a stupid question how many episodes of the podcast like what I don't know I black out every f***ing week bye bye guys I love that jumpsuit oh god what the it's free and healthy hey whoa this is fun fun story right after aj was on the show um we jack and i fell in love with him becca wants nothing to do with this becca's disgusted we sat up for two hours

sending youtube videos of aj dancing back and forth to each other and we're like check out At the time code. Minute 256, he says this thing, and it's so f***ing hot. Yeah. And it's so weird that you guys used to chase band members for 10 years. F*** you. You can take the girl out of the groupie. What do you do?

You were groupies, and you still are. It's so awkward. Although AJ does body roll the f*** out of that show. Has anyone seen the Bad Shit Boys? He's like... Like the whole time. I orgasm 500 times. Yeah.

In a drop crotch pants. Yes. I don't know how big your penis is. And so many breakdowns. Who knows how big. It could be five feet long. It could be five feet long. Down to your knees.

On that note, it's time for our last section of the show. You're not sad. Oh, my God. We've brainwashed the f*** out of you guys. It's so awkward. All right. So, Nat is there. Hey.

And we're going to do a live Ask the Lady Gang So we want to meet some of you Okay There's rules The last time that we did it we got questions about ourselves Like what's our favorite color whatever We want to answer like in real time

Your Ask the Lady Gang questions Like that you're having about your lives And we want to fix your problems By telling you to drink a bottle of wine so don't be like oh my god kelty you're my favorite lady gang member i've never seen anyone so beautiful like that's it's not the time you know it's like you can do that privately on my instagram at kelty god does anyone have a fan for my crotch it's so hot it is tropical how do you guys why do people wear cowboy boots in texas it's hot as

my cap my ankles are so tiny now after sweating for three hours all right we've got our question okay what's your name girl claire claire talk loud claire okay um so one of our friends has dated somebody since high school and we we've graduated college for a year now i guess she's in grad school and he wasn't the right guy for her and she has broken up with him and now she's wondering like what should i do to get back out there tips for newly single after dating somebody for five years you get under a new man to get over the last one have wait how all the dicks sample all the dicks sample all the dicks sample all the dicks how old is she 23 23 23 oh my god what i wouldn't get literally have sex with a hundred people i would be trying to take ryan home

tonight i'd be like he's right well he's with her but i've got you girl i would never do that to a lady ganger i probably would have at 23 though let's be honest i i have a question about this so your friend did the question but it's you okay so you were dating through high school and college have you been on the dating apps she's too scared oh but you have beautiful hair guys are really into that right rye um i love a blowout oh that's why you're single i'm just kidding i'm just kidding i'm just kidding they said she's like kelty please hold the mic up while we're talking oh it's gone already it's okay but what i was gonna say is this you need to have a people i should date before i get married checklist okay from the backstreet boys you should definitely

have sex with AJ before you settle down. I think he's married. You should still have sex with AJ. Now, you should go to Europe and have a summer love affair with someone who doesn't even really speak your language. Yes.

And it's all wine and tiny plates of foods. And Europe. Tapas, baby. Tapas. Now, you also need to have the best sex of your life. yeah you're not gonna marry that guy you're not gonna marry that guy becca might marry that guy

but the rest of us didn't i might have you're not gonna you know the sex addict yeah no it's true i did date a sex addict it was a fun time yeah no here's the thing you're young yeah you you do need to have lots of sex crazy aggressive sex with condoms with condoms be safe yep be safe be safe Some things you can still get, but we're going to roll the dice. The guy that is going to be like, you so good with like a finger up. Honey, do not marry that guy. That guy knows way too much about. You can teach the guy that you marry to do that.

Yeah. But you shouldn't already know what to do anyway. So you have to do that. Okay. I don't have five for you, but if you message me on Instagram, I can think of. yeah well like five guys that she should have sex guys aren't really ready to get married and be great until they're like 28 29 30 no you need to around for a good like seven years yeah like literally and do not think about the next guy that you're gonna marry yeah go have fun and all

the girls who aren't clapping they married the high school guy and they are so mad they didn't go to the dick buffet who out there married high school guy and is disappointed they skipped year up you skipped year up girl you didn't have a tiny tapas love affair she had a slutty face her friend's saying she had a slutty good for you as long as you have it you have to have a slutty face they broke up for two months whoa did you pack like 10 in those two months like every night you're like new her friend is confirming yes she did see it's okay it doesn't matter how long your slutty faces but you need two dicks at one time you also congratulations it's the spin-off for lady gang two dicks one girl no okay many next okay we've got another one hey girl like your

shirt um hi i'm samantha so um yes we match it's my favorite shirt it's a good one just saying um it's super soft um so i have a friend who is here with me a friend a friend who's here with me she's into this guy and he seems to be interested in her however he's got a girlfriend of about few months who lives in hold on hold on who lives in another state he doesn't want to move over there she doesn't want to move here and he's already expressed that it's not serious what should she do run this guy is shifting and shady and if he's doing this to the girl that he's dating if They start dating, he's going to do it to her, too. Guys f***ing suck.

For the most part. There was, like, a few good ones. Yeah. Should we write his obituary? Be like, this guy and Leslie can go to hell. Yeah. You got to be like, sorry, dude. No, and you don't know.

He's probably telling the girlfriend that he's serious. Like, you don't know what he's saying to this other girl. He's just being a piece of shit player. So f*** him. I also think if you really do like him, the fastest way to get him to like fall deeply

madly psychically in love with you is to ignore him it's true that is true like be like I'm sorry

you have a girlfriend I can't talk to you no but you should break up with that girlfriend real quick if he wants that pong time but he should

do that for ego only to be like I got him but you don't want to date that guy and then as soon as he comes running to you I'm looking at you

because I assume this is your friend as soon as he decides to come back be like you can have sex with him once once

one time because we know you're going to but no emotions no emotions sure you're like i'm gonna do this to like end the chapter and to like get my way and then i'm gonna go try to find somebody that's not a piece of with a girlfriend and be like i mean like la femme nikita up there you know what i mean like give him the ride of his life and then never talk to him again like put your finger in his Oh, no. No, no, please don't.

Why? There has been so many moments when I have now had visions of you having sex in my mind that I don't want there. It hurts. Jack, we all know I don't try that hard with my husband. Who's next? You're just like... Oh, over here.

Hi, everybody. I'm Mary. I'm from Chicago. I'm the one that's moved down. Are you coming to Chicago? No, I'm going to be in Mexico. Oh, my God. life sounds hard for you mary i'm just kidding i'm kidding you know what i'm really okay with

are you the one i love you i love you are you the one that's flight was delayed 10 hours no thank god fuck that i mean mine was delayed like two but like no but i had a really good time at the bar also i'm kind of drunk right now same same same basically my brother-in-law's best friend and i have been in love for i don't know like 15 years but he and i okay have lived in separate states we've obviously you know had relations um sexual no yeah that's what relations means in texas jack oh no i'm from chicago so it could mean a lot right right but it does mean sexual relations he and the b you did have sexual relations with that man okay yeah he might have been the finger in the butt, but, um, yes, Mary. Yes. Yeah. I've had a few, I promise you, but me

and him obviously liked each other for a very long time trying to understand, you know, like we just have never been in the right place at this right time. Um, for both of us, we've always ever been in a relationship or he's been in a relationship and we just never had the right timing. I'm just wondering should i continue this should i pursue it i mean i'm 29 not super old not super young but just wondering if i should just go out there or try and pursue no girl you're old 29 is young kelty you're you know what i'm okay with that 29 you're not old number one kelty have okay i have a question has your like that was mean that was 40 she's 40s now i'm not almost anyway anyways has your emotional involvement with him hindered you from being open to other people yes if you're

still stuck on him in this way and you're asking this question then yes is the brother-in-law gonna be mad no gives a shit okay they've wanted this for like the longest time okay well oh well are you both single right now yes and it's still not working he lives in san francisco we have a show in san francisco you send him to that show we'll check him out put him in ryan's seat bring him on stage yes yeah we'll plant ryan in the man it's like the seat of death like yes like we need the judgy seat of somebody that we need someone that hates us and is like this was a waste of money have you felt answer honestly do you feel like you're the one that is more willing to like make it work long distance and he's the one that's like i'm so into you i'm so into you but

like oh we don't live in the same city yeah somebody said yes is that what it is should i just get my friend up here because she's obviously answering for me she's gonna speak the come on friend because it sounds good to me but there's obviously more going on there's tell yes bitch yes bitch what's your name sarah sarah you're a really good friend mary's very sweet don't let her get over you know what i mean best mary deserves a good man she literally does she will not move to san francisco she's like classic italian my family is everything which is amazing great but like her whole family's in chicago so like she's not moving okay okay that's not happening listen he won't move does he want you to move no he doesn't has he even

asked you to move no this guy is a boy okay here's the here yes okay their main communication for like i don't know a long ass time whatsapp snapchat no no okay mary don't feel like you're being ganged up on right now but you are okay this is tough love for you you gotta get out there and you gotta a bunch of guys done be a lady about it but yes okay and i have to say kelty was a dick for saying that you're old because you're not she's but you're too old to deal with this bullshit yeah thank you that's what i meant you don't want to be chasing a guy around that's halfway across the country that's never gonna like all the way across the country i both have done it, it sucks. Even with somebody that is so, so into you and so committed, it still

fucking sucks. Even if he puts a finger in your butt. Even if he puts his finger in your butt, it still is only, it's from 2000 miles away. Yeah. And if you want to keep having like, you know, Ronda, sexy Ronda views, Ronda views together. I'm so drunk. Ronda views together. You can keep doing that, but keep your options open. Yep. Next question, please. thank you we love you though go have sex with somebody love you mary keep us posted kelty checks every message she will know what's happening okay love those hello thank you okay so my question is more of a hypothetical thing because i don't have a lot of issues right now with my love life because i'm married she's married but that's the issue jack this is

more directed to you because i was a fellow emo gal yes love it yes so like totally obsessed with like my chemical romance and taking back sunday and things like that wait do you see my goth pants yes i already made a comment to my best friend about those i was like i love those goddamn pants thank you have to have a chain so what would you do if you were married okay i've only been married for like a year but we've been together since high school but you were approached by your favorite emo band singer oh and then he said he's like oh my god i love you so much like do you want to like can i whisk you off into like a i don't know but if gerard way asked me that i don't know what i would do wait is this a hypothetical or is this not a hypothetical a hypothetical i mean technically

do not for me do not cheat on your husband don't cheat on your husband but like is it a hall pass nope no even if i had a my chemical romance digger in my car in high school no because let me tell you something he's gross let me what i mean let me tell you something all these men in real life are in douchebags okay well see i don't know them i don't know it's not even that most men are well but like that is an extra layer if yeah emo band or just the lead singer of a band in general you know what i mean i'm gonna vote anyone in a band well well i mean it is it is i love don't cheat on your husband next question it's a fantasy for a reason because nothing's worse than cheating on your husband with somebody i'm not i'm saying

that you are hypothetical okay hypothetical cheating on your husband with somebody that you were like expecting to be like everything fantasy and then he gets there and he's like real and gross well there is a reason why we put people on pedestals that we never meet because once you meet them they become human and they're being douchebags so amen question yes nice koozie girl thank you i like your koozie girls in texas carry koozies in their purse they do right lazies like we are i have a new purse koozie you guys have it figured out yes that except also becca you are my spirit animal i'm your thank you so much my name is also rebecca oh my god should we date maybe okay i just did get married though so you might be my hall pass oh okay we just said

no to hall passes what's your question no i'm not a lead singer of a band i'm in you're still a dick Well, I'm kind of the lead singer of this band. Oh, yeah. Okay, so I just got married two weeks ago. We've been together for like five years. Congrats. Thank you. I am 30s, and I have never, ever been more attracted to my man now that we are married.

How do I get him to, like, do more in the bedroom? Ooh, the best. Hold on. Okay, we all have. Okay, go. We know. This is probably all of our answers. we've been on one of our friends podcast sex with emily she's the best if you want to know

anything about sex and she says the best lubrication is communication so whether that means like texting him sexy things or just i try he doesn't text me back and i feel like an idiot i have a great i have a great one like i'll sexy text him and he'll send me back like a stupid gif and i'm like well i'm an idiot that's incredible wow honest ballsy i love him so i'm a little freaky okay again kelsey i don't want to picture you having sex but what i did for my husband's birthday one day is i went and i got a giant box from the pleasure pit i'm sure you have one in texas every sex toy every sex toy there was dice there was a vagina mold it was all the lubes it was everything from like the 99 cent section you could get like a whole box of every toy every

whatever and i gave it to him as a birthday gift it was a great opening line for your show's disgusted no i'm just very confused because you said 99 cent section don't listen to the 99 cent section part of that have you guys ever used toys no like oh yeah vibrators you gotta you gotta introduce the toy yeah he was a boy in college and then he just happened to marry me and i was the longest relationship he has ever had well if he was a boy he should he's not anymore No one-eyed sandmans don't know what to do in bed ever, ever Boys are usually very inexperienced in the bedroom

Yes, they are But you should get some presents for him I will Be like, I want to try this, but start small like something that's not a penis-sized thing because I find that penis-sized things are intimidating to men They're like, oh shit, I have a small dick Yeah, don't be like, oh, my penis isn't big enough

they're going to get fucked up Get like a tiny bullet the size of your clit A little mini vibrator that you can use while you're having sex together so it's not like uh yeah does he drink oh yeah i can get my husband to do anything if he's had a few drinks but not too many drinks because then they get whiskey dicks so you got to get them in like the good like middle ground where they're like stoked okay we have time one problem we've never had godspeed we have time for one more just get him some toys i hope your bedroom gets very steamy as my vagina right now sorry we'll be waiting for the update on your

vagina can't wait hi ladies hi girl so i am in 30s as well but in all actuality i'll be 35 this year if i could splurge on one beauty treatment or procedure what do you think i should do botox botox can you come up we need to look at you oh my god kelty this is not no we're not a doctor no i've got no shame i've worked out i drink lots of water i've done botox once go like this you look good surprised okay now look confused okay yeah botox yeah you're a beautiful woman first of all yeah you're gorgeous you don't i'm so jealous of your neck did you see my movement watch okay here's the thing anybody in your 30s yeah you could be the most beautiful butterfly on the planet special sunflower special sunflower but our wrinkles you know what i'm saying it's

the frown yeah i would do like a smattering a smattering and then like a little light no don't do don't your eyes no i like to do my eyes you're gorgeous but you're gorgeous beautiful and you look so good but guess what once that botox kicks in you're gonna wake up in the morning i'm 22 years old i'm beyonce all right i'm splurging on botox congratulations and happy birthday okay oh and also please see a doctor for your injectables please please please no Groupon. No Groupon for Botox. This doctor. Do you do Botox? Yeah. Oh my god. Oh my god.

What's your name? And nose jobs? Oh my god. Are you busy later? Are you giving a discount to the Dallas Lady Gays? Should we do like an after show? Call Dr. Meinhardt. For all your Dallas Botox needs.

And nose jobs. What's our discount? And rhinoplasties. 10%? Lady Gang for Do you think I could do it tonight and be okay for Houston tomorrow? Cool. Alright. On that note. What? It's the end.

Oh, it's the end. Are we going to do a whole thing where we all say it together? Well, first of all, thank you guys for coming. Seriously. Dude, this is amazing. This guy looks so pissed that he's here and I'm so sorry, sir.

Everyone buy this man a drink, okay? You're a big fan? No, you're not. Stop it. Is this your boyfriend? What is your name, sir? David f***ing Hero. You know who could take a tip from you?

Ryan. Ryan. Okay, David, I love your face so much. You too, Ryan. New fan. Can we do our selfie? We're going to do a selfie with you guys, but for real, thank you for coming. we love dallas wait before we do the selfie again if you guys want to go get lady gay merch

you don't have to pay for shipping here it's like you just bought it fashion fashion and thank you to kettle one botanical for making us feel refreshed and thin and to get us kind of tipsy don't drink and drive i love you and we will see you next tuesday Thanks for listening The Lady Gang is produced by Alex Ingber Will Sterling, Steve Delameter And Jared Monaco Make sure you subscribe, rate, and review our podcast

And if you love it, share it with your friends on social media Like, oh my god, I just listened to Lady Gang This episode's so great, swipe up to listen And if you really want to, which we know you do Please follow us on social At Kelty, at Becca, at Jack Vanek And at The Lady Gang Sign up for our newsletter at theladygang.com

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