LadyGang - Lea Michele Joins The Fempire

Episode Date: January 5, 2016

The lovely & talented Lea Michele joins The Fempire to dish on Versace, her friendship with Emma Roberts, her bestie & Fempire cohost Becca Tobin, why she'd love to be BFFs with Chrissy Teigen, finding new love, dealing with tabloids and social media haters, and why she's obsessed with Gwyneth Paltrow & Goop. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

well what is this welcome to the vampire that's amazing say that again the vampire things are about to change around here it's time to catch up with the girl gang kelty knight becca tobin and jack vanek becca's dance moves to our theme song she's doing like a full up down shimmy and it's because leah fed me sugar in the car not sugar she did anything but that you guys welcome welcome welcome to the fempire podcast we're so excited you're back happy 2016 it's a brand new day a brand new year um first of all if you didn't find us on itunes open up your smartphone go to itunes and subscribe because it's important that more than ever it's important that you subscribe because this is a

two-parter we have two weeks a part one and a part two and if you're not subscribed you're not going to know when a new episode comes out so make sure you subscribe also get your shit together also what leave a five star rating i was like what do you want me to say right now i don't know feeding it to you you can also check us out and also beautiful photos of us at vampire podcast dot com jackson or panties tell me my butt looks good it's amazing and most importantly you have to follow us on at vampire podcast because that's where we post all the funny pictures of us that pertain to this episode. We're so glad

you guys came. We're so glad you're loving the Fempire podcast. It means so much to us that you're listening. And I do want to make a quick disclaimer. I'm a little bit tipsy this episode. But let me make another disclaimer. Kelty has had two sips of champagne. She's a lightweight. She's a cheap

drunk. She really is. This is bad. Alright. You know what time it is. You know what time it is, you guys. Good week. Yes, it is. Bad week. No! Okay. It is time for Good Week, Bad Week, as you just heard in our adorable little sound clip.

Okay. Jack, let's kick it off. Okay. So, well, first off, before I start my good week, I would like to acknowledge the fact that Kelty is one of the best friends I've ever had because of something that she did the other week that I have not talked about. and that is Kelty bid $750 for me to have lunch with Larry David and that's the nicest thing that anybody has done for me in my entire life I want to say I was at this charity event and when you

come to charity events they often give you a gift bag and then you feel guilty remember I was talking about the gift bag I got the duffel bag of free boots that you could fit into yeah well it was that event and I felt so darn guilty that I got this gift bag I was like oh man I gotta like give some money but i don't want to straight out give some of the money i want to give something in return and larry david a lunch with larry david was on the thing and so i was like bidding and then someone outbid me and when it got to 12 50 i was like that's out of my vampire budget well i don't know how you came up with 750 we get paid in jelly beans here no that's what it was up to i went i started at 50 god why i was in a bidding war 50 that's crazy oh anyway you're welcome jack

i've got your back you know it's a thought that counts and i just all i want in life is to meet larry david maybe he's listening yeah i'm sure he's listening i'm sure he's listening to the vampire dear larry i love you not in a sexual way i also love you a lot too you guys never acknowledge that it hurts me okay i know you always try to jump in when i talk about it because i love him too now now girls don't fight we're fighting over larry fucking david um okay so my good week which i think all of us kind of have a collective good week is we sat courtside at the lakers game and it was pretty pretty pretty pretty good are you going to talk about it um i mean i feel like we can collectively talk about it

that but the eye contact me my eye contact with jake from scandal or who made eye contact with kobe again you're trying to give it to jack this is bullshit this is my show bryant and i had love intercourse with our eyes but me and jake from scandal also had love intercourse with our eyes whatever take him i'll take kobe fine no one looked at me that could have been the giant pretzel hanging out of your mouth i don't know that i was so making out with a giant carb pretzel it was so good also a ball almost hit us and that was exciting yes it was my face that double chin came out it was yeah it was upsetting i must have looked like a potato there's moments in your life when you feel like what will it feel like to sit

courtside at the lakers game like beyonce and i want to let everyone out there like it felt as good as you think it's gonna feel it felt pretty amazing oh god we were so did you not feel a lot of pressure though to invest in the game though like oh yeah and i was next to norm and he was just talking about things i had no idea yes the owner of podcast one who has these courtside tickets he's like the biggest baller in hollywood he has four season tickets and it is literally next to the lakers where they sit he has the best seats in the house like it kind of the players almost looked past their coaches to look to norm to what to do yeah they're like how are we doing and norm would give him like thumbs up yeah norm would stand up and kind of look around and like

give everybody like some kind of a hand signal i can't wait till we have an empire like that anyway um but the lakers won and i think we're good luck charms so they were definitely trying to impress us don't think for one second that game had anything to do with anything else no three hot blondes sitting beside them yeah i can't i can't think that that was the first time three hot blondes is that courtside but we're gonna say it is i mean and we're gonna take credit for this hot level like we're on another level yeah this level three hottest blondes that have ever sat courtside just filled with botox and booze there we go um okay so that was my good week um and then i couldn't really think of a bad week because i just had such a good week until

i was on my way over here and i had a bad week miracle as i was driving so i was like driving down beverly coming down to podcast one and this car pulls up next to me and i'm in a jeep so i kind of like look down at cars this car pulls up next to me this guy is like an older creepy looking white guy and he looks at me and starts like licking his lips like in the most creepy gross sexual way ever and i'm like this is disgusting i'm gonna look away until i looked down and his penis was out of his pants i knew it hard and he was just wagging it around dark this is in the middle of the day it was about 3 p.m in west hollywood and i felt just like i was going can i point out though that you look especially hot she does thanks guys she really

showing a lot of midrash. I understand. I'm always showing a lot of midrash. But it's more than usual. Probably an inch extra today. And then her top is so tight and her fake boobs that she won't admit are fake are just out there. Dude, it is padding on my bra. One day you're going to have to do what Kim Kardashian did with her ass and we're going to take you with a camera to get an

x-ray. Yes. And I want to see bags of silicone in there. Good week, bad week. So many bags. You should see me without a bra on because you would not be thinking that. It is a padded bra. Sorry, guys. Okay, so you saw a guy perform puppetry of the penis on your way to work. Yes. a little good oh this goes nicely into mine can i segue yeah i go great take it so it's a good

week for me and also all you listeners because i'm about to give you the greatest sex tip of your life oh no the girl who has sex once a month listen me and becca get really scared one of my goals since meeting becca and jack the whores is to have tons of sex with my husband so why kelty Because I'm very busy and I go to work very early. No, but why should you be having lots of sex with your husband? No, I love my husband. He is super bad. No, but obviously, but why else?

Yes. We talked about this. We threatened you that he was going to go find it somewhere else. Yeah, that's the thing. The vampire has encouraged me to have more sex with my husband so he doesn't cheat on me. Great. Valid. So positive.

I mean, it's pretty true. So anyway, here's the thing. My makeup artist, Rebecca, and my hair stylist, Deanne, have given me great tips about what to do. And there's something that they do called naked stretching. and i tried it this week and it for sure was a home run so what i did talk some more about this kelsey yes and so what it is is like when you're kind of tired and you're like ah it's like 9 p.m and i've been up for like 97 hours and you're covered in body makeup yeah and you're like so i have like body makeup and all the hair and makeup and like you know i've been like people

have been touching me all day and you're just like and you don't want fake tan rubbing off on your sheets you don't want fake tan rubbing off on your sheets what you do is you go to the end of your bed and you do like a full yoga class by yourself and your man watches and you're like and he loves it he's watching he's sexual eyes and then like of course you have sex at the end but it's like do you yeah you have well you don't always have to and you're naked doing this you're naked and you're like in downward you're missing an accessory you're not admitting the whole truth Yes, Kelsey, there was something that you were wearing. The whole truth is that I kept on my thigh-high boots in bed.

You're such a sex kitten. I think it's hot. Anyway, so my makeup artist had always told me, like, sometimes when I'm tired and I don't feel like having sex with my husband, I do, like, naked stretching, and he's so happy, and then I get, like, a nice little workout, and it's like a win-win. I tried it. It was successful. So all of you who aren't, like, assholes like Becca and Jack, you try it. Let me know what you think of naked stretching.

and also i would just like to point out if i tried naked stretching i would just fail so bad because i'm so unflexible yeah maybe only for the flexible girls out here's the thing i would you are i would leave immediately be like oh my god jack is so in like you're so unimpressed with naked stretching but also remember i'm super flexible i'm like cacao into downward dog into like upside down split you are center split like i don't ever want to see my vagina nude spread open like that never nor do i want my significant other seeing that i barely want my gynecologist to see that you guys there's an episode of seinfeld that would explain this perfectly when jerry's girlfriend was naked and she coughed and he was like there are just parts

of her body that moved around that i never wanted to see and then he broke up yeah well i just want to bring this up one last time who's married you always win with that so bad of relationships okay i'm gonna go on to my bad week because it was awful so sometimes when you are a z-list celebrity like i am why do you always lead it with that always um sometimes when you're on the z-list um you desperadoly walk a red carpet in hopes that someone will take the picture and put it somewhere um and this week it happened i had walked the carpet at the american music awards and i wore the same dress as someone else and i was featured at the same award show no no she had worn it months ago i was in a life and style magazine weekly who wore it better against miss

universe i want you to guess who won and what percentage put it out there i think it was miss universe yeah i lost your arm how much did you lose by a lot i had 31 of the vote that's not that bad and she had 69 of the boat i've seen some of those that it's like i think jamie chung beat me in a landslide recently that bitch so those anyway those stats are better it was kind of a bad week but here's the thing i still stand by my outfit and i thought from the waist down i really nailed it so like the bottom of the dress my legs and the like shimmer lotion i had put on it was the boom so anyway it's hard to be on the d-list it was a bad week yeah i'm sure like all the mothers like wiping shitty asses right now feel so bad for you i know

kelsey what a bad week you've had it's so terrible well i'm gonna probably this is so disappointing millions of people were getting their nails done and looking at a picture of me being slightly less hot than miss universe you're the worst you need to go home all right so in the same vein of being just a terrible terrible peccas having so many problems my microphone has hit me in the face twice um so yeah just being like a poor little like rich girl rich-ish girl you know like here's another one of my champagne problems so my bad week i got this sty in my right eye a couple weeks ago and i was like this happens to me like once a year i'm so anal about like alcohol on my makeup brushes and cleaning everything that it like really just pissed

me off and i'm like you know what maybe i'm just tired stressed whatever i'm gonna burp real quick i've been feeling the same way um so i got this dye and then i was like it better clear up before i go get my ipl photo facial so ipl for those of you who don't know they take this really gnarly laser on your face and they like essentially burn off the dark sun spots because when you get to our age those things don't go away and they're not cute freckles anymore yep so you're like turning into like old people so yeah like magda so i was like okay i'm so excited i'm gonna take out my life savings and do this ipl it's totally worth it on my face and my chest and all i ask please god because he cares about this my right sty please go away in my eye so it finally clears up

and i go and i get my ipl the numbing cream that they put on my face literally from my forehead all the way down to my chest that was the craziest sensation i've ever had in my whole life i slapped a little bit down on my bikini area because i also was going for a wax later it worked like a freaking charm. No joke. So I put it on and I don't really feel so much during the IPL. It was like pretty painless. And I'm just like dreaming about looking like Snow White when I leave, you know, not when I leave, but like a couple of weeks later. I get home. I look pretty gross. Your aftermath is like a little bit scary. I'm a little red, blah, blah, blah. Well, it turns out I'm like this small percentage of human who literally broke out into the most disgusting rash

you've ever seen on my chest it's still there i'm gonna show you can you see that oh yeah yeah it is disgusting you do look like an old person see it's like the universe is like stop doing this to yourself go spend that money and feed some children like stop trying to make yourself like perfect because it's never gonna happen so that happened but here's the worst part about it so that's getting all cleared up too many dollars later i wake up this morning sty on my left eye the biggest guy that's some karma dude it is it's the universe really torturing me because i took like stopping so vain stopping so vain like stop going to get lasers and like it's just so silly at this point even though i'll probably do it next year

it really is your doctor's number by the way yeah you should um actually maybe not so yeah i woke up with this disgusting sty on my left eye i had to cancel an audition because literally I looked like a cyclops. It's gone down at this point. I had to sit with a hot compress on my face. And it's just like, who am I? I just spent so much money to make myself more beautiful and I have a disgusting, looks like an STD rash on my chest.

It does look like an STD rash. It's a great representation. If someone's wiener had been on my chest recently, I would be accusing them of giving me something. It's like crazy STDs. That's disgusting. A little motorboat STD? Yeah.

Here's my good week. Are we going to end on positivity? Yeah, I'm bringing it back, you guys. That's not allowed. That's nice. I know. okay so we're bringing it back a couple episodes ago i don't know if you remember how jack was bragging that she was on urban dictionary oh yes did you find yours well kind of with the assistance

of my manager ricky that's right we have a very professional relationship he screenshotted my name separately so there's no becca tobin definition but there's a becca oh yes and There is a Tobin. Okay. Here's the definition for Becca. To be hit in the face with an artificial penis. Oh, my God. Yes.

Man, you so totally got Beckett last night. So that's like a sex term, like a dirty Sanchez. I guess, yes. I'm like a dirty Sanchez. So cool. You know what? I bet someone from my past actually, like, this is about me. Yeah.

Tobin, a cool and talented person gets mad hoes and head. I think that's accurate. So my manager writes me back. So you are a talented person that gets hit in the face with artificial penises. And you know what? That is a good week. That's a very good week. I get mad hoes, guys.

You get mad hoes, like us. Yeah, exactly. So beat that. Damn it. I'm proud of you. I think you did have the best week. Coming back, you guys. I'm so excited.

One of my bestest, bestest friends and favorite people is here to join the Fempire. We're very excited. for miss leah michelle the vampire okay guys welcome back i want to tell you a story once i was in an airport i think it was just a few months ago and i was buying a ton of candy and junk to eat on the airplane and i looked up at the magazine rack of all the magazines and this bitch was on three covers at one time amazing she's an actor singer author style icon she's basically um kind of the second coming of oprah because she's got a new book you first which is a helpful little journal filled with inspiration that helps you become a lady boss and super

positive just like her leah teach us your ways welcome to the podcast queen limb show okay first of all i becca are you so proud of me for having been quiet sitting here for so long i don't know how you did it thank you and then i just have two things to say first of all i'm appalled by that rash on your chest i can't believe i didn't get a screenshot and you didn't tell me second of all if you think i'm sleeping at your house tonight with that stye on your eye you're crazy you know you'll catch it like like why don't you tell me you you were gonna sneak me into a sleepover with a stye on your payback's a bitch sheila's mom oh that's what this is orly probably like shit on your pillow which gave you a stye or no that's pink eye either way you have like an infection

that you're trying to give to give give your friend yep happy holidays happy new year well