LadyGang - LG QUICKIE: Can You Feel the Love?

Episode Date: February 13, 2020

It’s (almost) Valentine’s Day, so we’re talkin’ about love! First dates, sex coaches, afternoon delight, the importance of a good quickie, and working on communication with your partner. Special thanks to this episode's sponsors! Bud Light Seltzer – Bud Light Seltzer is available now. Pick up a variety pack and try it for yourself!  Charlotte Tilbury - Shop now at charlottetilbury.com.   Stamps.com – Get a special offer that includes a 4-week trial PLUS free postage AND a digital scale at stamps.com and enter code LADYGANG when you click the microphone on the homepage.  Sun Basket – Get $35 off your first order at sunbasket.com/ladygang and enter code LADYGANG.  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

it's time for a quickie podcast one presents the lady gang the hollywood girl posse with lady gang quickie here's kelty knight becca tobin and jack vanek let's make this quick hello everyone it's kelty we're starting this off a little different we hadn't even pressed record yet and these bitches already complaining about what's in the episode Because it's the Valentine's episode, and Jack goes, oh, God, please don't make us talk about our three great loves again. What if Kelty totally forgot that we'd already done that? She would, too.

No. Oh, my God. Hello, hello, hello. Open the show. God damn it. I just spit out a raisin on my mic. Okay. The wheels have come off.

You guys, hello. Welcome to Lady Gang. Ladies. Happy Valentine's Day tomorrow. Happy Valentine's Day tomorrow. And let me just say something. If you're single right now, congratulations, because life is tight. Life is good.

You have your whole life to be in a freaking relationship, and life is long. I just can't believe that we've been together for like four hours, and none of you have talked about my birthday present, which is also a non-tensely present. I actually have been staring at it, though. I actually have, too, and I actually have something to ask you. Is this because you lost the other one? Yes. She has an Eternity band that's really beautiful.

Can I try that on? Yeah. Is an Eternity band a wedding band? Is that the same thing? When the diamonds go all the way around. Because it goes on for an eternity. Yeah. Do wedding bands always do that?

When I was trying on rings. Can I try that on? I know. Your finger's big. It's a little big on me, but I love the ring. This is a beautiful ring. Thank you. You did a good job.

So when I was trying them on, if they have the metal on the bottom side, he was like, don't get that. It looks like you're trying to be cheap. Yeah, no. You need it to go around the whole. Oh, so you're saying you did try this on and you bought it for yourself? I picked it out. You just gave it up.

Oh. I picked it out. I know Chris Knight. I know if I want something. You've got to tell them exactly what it is. I was like, I really... Well, I loved my other ring, which by P.S., I have since found in my sock drawer. Wait, you need to stack them.

No, it doesn't go because it's silver and then I'm going to put... It doesn't matter. Are you sure? Yeah, you can mix them. I did it the other day and Chris was like, that's ridiculous, but I'll totally do it if you say it's okay. All I want. Well, it is quite big and then your wedding ring's big.

Oh, are you saying stack the two? Stack the two bands. No, I'm going to stack all three of them. I could do wedding band and then this, or I could do my wedding band, my big anniversary band, and then this big ring. You mean your engagement ring. Not my engagement ring. I have my wedding band, which is small, and then I have my big thickie. Do those three.

It looks really good on you. Anyway, I'm not getting anything. Okay, can I also, you said that she had fat fingers, and that doesn't even fit on my finger. It doesn't try it on again? No. Well, it would, but it might get stuck. Is that okay? Is that okay?

Yes. Oh, actually, it does fit okay. Let me see. Let me see. Hold it up. It's weird seeing Jack in diamonds. Yeah. You're going to have to get like a coral, like a small piece of string.

Ew. Like a little. We're calling you cheap. Like a Kabbalah bracelet. What did you imagine? This is my nightmare. When you get engaged, what if you got a tiny little rubber band that said ruthless? I mean.

That's what I should get Jared for his wedding. Oh my God. It'd be so good. A mini ruthless bracelet. Okay. We're back. It's Valentine's Day and we have a quickie all about love. So it is about the three great laws.

No, it's not. These are specific great questions. Okay. Do you. Yes. Okay. Most people clinically, scientifically are aroused at 2.46 p.m. Wait, we should set our alarms on our phones for that.

Do you find this? Aroused the most. You're the most highly aroused at 2.46 p.m. I agree with this. What? My prime time to have sex is midday. Midday sexual intercourse? Mm-hmm.

Get a job. It's because she doesn't have a job. She's like, I've always loved, since I was young, midday intercourse. Yeah. I had to quit working at Old Navy because it really put a damper on my midday intercourse. Well, my reasoning is I don't really. You're a little drunk from breakfast. I don't really like morning sex because I'm too tired.

And I need my coffee. And I want to shower. And I want to do everything. And I want to start, like, whatever. And then at night, I'm too tired. Yeah, night sex is noble. So then that's not happening either. So then by default, it's in the middle of the day.

Okay. Becca? Are you asking my prime time? Yeah. 246 p.m.? I don't think so. I think I'm in the thick of it. I'm usually really hungry, actually, at 246.

I always need an afternoon nap around that time. That is the lull. It's the lull. I hate naps. I do, too. I haven't napped in my life once. Oh, I love to hate a nap. Okay.

All right. Well, okay. I used to have, I used to have sleep paralysis only at night when I used to try to take naps in college. Every single time. Sleep paralysis scares me. It's terrifying. Okay.

Back to this quickie about love. Um, allegedly a first date should only be 57 minutes long for the most success. I agree. I agree with this. I think the biggest mistake that I made when I was dating is to let dates go on too long because then it becomes a whole thing. And then you think you have more chemistry than you do. And I drank too much.

So it was always too much. You got to do seven minutes of alcohol and then you got to be out. That can only leave them wanting more. Exactly. Highly agree. Okay. Would you ever hire a sex coach? No.

I mean, for what purpose? What do they actually do? Like helping you be pleasured. Like we saw the Gwyneth Goop thing and there was like some sex coaches that help you like. Honestly, there's too many other things in my life I need to improve on. i don't have the budget for it yeah and i definitely don't have the time yeah and also like sex is very primal i don't have any issues thank god i know there are people that do but like i have a very healthy outlook on sex so i don't really need to work through some shit

regular therapy i got a whole closet of scary demons yes that i need to work through okay jack yeah sex coach no no she's like she's like i don't need one they're not available midday it's very hard to get you know very hard to get an appointment during my period horny at two her 246 slot is full it's always full no i agree with like it's just it wouldn't be on my top list of things that i'd want it i feel that i my sex life is good i wouldn't maybe later in life if i had a lot of money and i was retired and i mean honestly at the gwyneth paltrow the goop thing and she had like her own like sex coach sex coach whatever i was sitting there thinking like only somebody as rich as Gwyneth Paltrow can keep somebody like that like on retainer working yeah

like that woman would not have a job if it were not for well it's definitely first world problems what what's what's better what's more than first world like it's the one percent yeah maybe point five percent oligarchy problem it's not even the one percent it's like the point zero zero one percent it's like you're Hollywood you're really rich and you really you can make time for anything you've got time on your hands like i must every schnarden flawed change my schedule i must make time for my sexual wellness coach today i wish that was my life i wish i had an assistant named no wonder her abs looked so good and it's so good here the lady gang do you have any pre-sexual rituals and how do you let your partner know

you want it i'm usually not putting out any signal me neither i'm usually trying to let him know that the lights are off then we've closed for the evening then we will be back tomorrow maybe you know what i am my sex window is like italians the amount of that they work in the summer yes you go by a store like a little shop and it's like the cheese shops close i'll try tomorrow oh it's closed again oh maybe tonight the lights will be on oh no they're going off again like that's my yeah i was gonna say like my my what is it signals yeah or just like i'm not like denying it as hard as i denied it when you asked or when you tried to get on me like an hour yeah how did they try to get on you they your partners i mean zach gets a a very like specific

look look in his eye nice it's not always tell you can just tell i'm like oh oh my god you're You said, bless you when I sneeze. You must want to have sex with me. Yeah. Oh. Every time, like, Jared, it's like he comes, he's coming into the shower. I was like, mmm. Oh, yeah.

Sometimes I want to lock on that shower door. And he's like, I'm not trying to have sex with you. I'm like, yeah, fucking right. No one wants to shower together. No one wants to. I'm like, you really wanted to stand in the cold over there because I'm not going to let you into the warm water because I'm cold. Stop.

He wants to get into the warm vagina. Yeah. sometimes i wish that chris you know in his he's he's a little slow with the on taking as we know but like i wish you would just hit it like just hit it all this like build up of like like getting me like oh how are you like the talk no i know i agree touching and like the warmness and like the getting i'm just like get in put your dick in pump and out this i agree with this okay i wish more men knew that it was well i have my problem now is we're using condoms because i don't want to go on birth control it's a lot easier when

you're on birth control to have just like random quick sex where you're like whatever but now i'm way too anxious to do that i'd like worry for the rest of my rest of my month i was gonna say your life by the end um i mean i do i wish to like zach is such a gentleman and it's great and i know that like with that comes like a million amazing things yes but sometimes i'm like just be a dirt bag yeah just i agree i agree bend me over yeah and don't worry if i come don't care don't care i think don't be so nice about it the problem of like we all have nice partners and it's that is the one downfall it's not like it's not the same thing where you're like me like a bad boy it's not that no they can do that it's just yeah they can it's those like wham bam thank you ma'am like yeah

no one likes it except for him yeah i mean not that you dislike it but it's like that like in and out yeah i want you to treat me like a freaking mcdonald's yeah wait fast food through the drive-thru just oh i was like i was thinking about the food i was like what is happening yeah Yeah, like Chris is going on a trip, and I'm like, you got to get it in. We don't have to go to Longhorn Steakhouse. Right, exactly. This isn't a goodbye. I'm going to see you on Friday.

You don't need like a 90-minute canoodle before. Thank you. I'm like, I don't need to be warmed up. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Like, lube up that dick, put it in. You guys, our sponsor, the Omax, it's the lube. It's really good. Yeah, I did use it.

It smells good, and I'm into it. Did you get a UTI? No, I didn't. And I really don't use lube that much. Oh, I love it. Lube is always fun. But it's helping in that case. In that case.

Because it takes a minute to get warmed up. Okay, this isn't a sex episode. This is a love episode. Somehow these have all turned into sex. No, listen. If you're in a relationship, should your phone screen be the other person? Show me your phone screen. What's on it?

No, okay. Mine has Beth. Oh, my God. Mine is me and Zach from the back. Mine is me and Chris kissing. That's intense. What's yours? I think it's nice.

of course you do you have it on your phone i like mine because it's just like a place i like to be yeah it's like a memory yeah chris has our dead dog he refuses to change it that's also his profile picture on instagram i know what the hobo is dead oh my god i miss her too but i have to look at her face all the time you gotta move on you gotta move on you wanna hear something morbid you want to hear something morbid orally don't listen i don't know so we're getting like these cool pictures taken me and zach like it's artsy it's not like oh photos for like our like spencer no it's not like that even though i wish so badly zach would do that with me um and he's like okay so like should we do like some with orally and i'm like here's the thing

is like i can't look at my dogs after they've passed every day and i know i mean i hope she outlives me but i think that would mean i would get a car like tomorrow but like i it is gut wrenching when i come across photos of my sweet sophie like i know i can't and so i can't put her in an expensive photo shoot you're gonna have to cut her out like you did with scott in your wedding photos yeah damn it god and scott but i love you orly yeah no it's true if i could have anything in the whole world i said this is back in bed i said that she would live to the day literally we'd die on the same day he's like you if you could have anything in the world if you wouldn't choose to have me die on the same day no i'm like absolutely my dog and i are gonna

go together good night okay last question happy valentine's day happy valentine's day long live love long live my job my canine okay um what long this is such a great question so that's probably means it's not no it's a great question so valentine's day is about you're single you're meeting someone or you're newly in love and it's like coming in and got me flowers that weren't coming in or don't read it it's about this question that long-term relationship laziness that you've experienced what about it that's not even a question i told you what that sounds like i'm reading your first draft of the book what it was totally disjointed it didn't make any sense what long-term relationship laziness have you experienced question from me or him him

i mean where do i begin um i mean listen zach is incredible like i he would do anything for me he is like the i don't have to like sing as praise as everybody knows however there are days where I'm like, if this motherfucker doesn't look up from his phone or the TV to look at me and fucking communicate with me, I'm going to kick him in his crotch. Like, I will get in front of the TV. Kick him in his crotch. I will get in front of the TV, and I will start doing the most insane dances. Insane. And I will sing.

It is so embarrassing. And he doesn't even look up. Oh, no. Nope. That's what I'm like, don't take me for granted, motherfucker. you're like you're gonna die and i'm not gonna care one day i'm gonna be with orly die together that's what i want because when i dance for her she looks she loves it she's clapping in her little with her little paws dogs forever yeah i've never been in a

relationship long enough yes you have now how long have you been with jerry a year and a half oh god please come on but like no that's not long enough no and also oh my god oh yeah she's like that's a year and four months too long if you have any excitement i'm sorry i mean yes of course it's not long enough that's what that's like when me and zack got engaged was about the month and a half i mean a year and a half but also it's we're still like long distances so it's still all over the place well i appreciate when he looks up from his phone at you he's so obsessed with me i don't know if that's ever listen probably we'll go zach stalked me for 10 years okay so did you but the things that that's

what i'm saying is that and now look at her dancing naked i could literally have tassels on my boobs like kelty did seychelles style and he'd be like that's weird what are you doing like it's just i mean you move i'm trying to watch football yeah i mean i'm giving him a hard time but like really honestly it's i do the same thing to him though too what are your lulls no i'm the worst well yeah it's probably mostly on you rude it's just not even you're not even being nice at this point i mean yes of course it is but you don't have to bring it up of course it is um i think my chris again a gentleman love my life great man so glad we ended up together but it's the same thing as where like we'll be when you first get together they look at you like they want to

eat you yeah they like try to be in your life yeah yeah yeah and then as you're together for many many years like it's a thursday and he came home from work and like he doesn't even bother to like do the check-in he just like goes to the dinner table sits down and like gets back on his phone yeah and i also know that chris drives into our garage and then sits there for 30 minutes on his phone before he comes into the house so he's like he needs it he needs a drive home and then check my phone time and then he can come in and prepare dinner and then more check phone time and i'm just like i'm right here you know what i mean like i'm also like but i did train him because he knows that my number one thing is do not let me have a birthday without a card with a nice

message and since i had that huge panic attack such crying fit like seven years ago every year on my birthday a beautiful message where he has taken the time now this year chris knight your card was shady i'm pretty sure your assistant got it at trader joe's on her lunch hour it did not feel like the kind of car it wasn't like when he always gets me like a for my wife you know and it's like what did this one say this one was like rainbows come and then it was like a rainbow with like a butterfly and i was like not even a birthday card yeah i'm like i'm like this is not but anyway still loved your note i i do like how good of a listener chris is because you've like taught him the things that you want and yes for you that are important to you and i feel like

he's listened to all of them and very good i just don't know what's important to me i wouldn't be able to communicate that to him i really don't there's nothing that i'm like oh i love this thing is that weird yes you don't love like words of affirmation are very important to me not me okay well we'll find out becca's love language on the next you don't know we don't have time for this this is a deep i think that we cannot even access in the next 20 minutes it's definitely a pit yeah can i just say one more thing okay have you noticed now being married you'll go to like dinner and you'll be like great we're gonna have like a proper like date yeah date night we've been like ships passing the night blah blah and like you'll go to dinner and like you'll be telling a

story and you're you see it in his eyes that he does not give a shit what you're saying zero percent care and i'm like don't care you used to hang on my every word right what's wrong with you do not care they don't care does not compute like just glassy-eyed thinking about someone else i could be at pache at the bar having a more intimate conversation with a stranger yeah 100% I mean it's also on me too I feel that for sure okay well uh Callie's ready for dinner so we gotta go uh we love you

so much thanks for joining us happy Valentine's Day cannot wait for all of you top notch Valentine's Day is bullshit and we will on that note love love um okay we weren't here for a long time but we're here for a good time bye thanks for listening

and make sure to rate and review this podcast wherever you get your podcast We have new episodes of Lady Gang every Tuesday and Thursday. Follow us on social media at TheLadyGang. Follow us personally at Kelty, most importantly, at Becca, and at Jack Bannock. The Lady Gang Network is produced by Will Sterling, Steve Delamater, Kirsten Woodward, and Elizabeth Baquet. Thanks for rating and reviewing wherever you get your podcasts and tune in for new episodes every single week.