LadyGang - LG QUICKIE: Causal (Penis) Questions with The LadyGang!

Episode Date: February 7, 2019

[Insert the Sex & The City Theme Here] The Ladies get casual as f**k as Keltie runs out of segment ideas and turns to the internet for a guide to conversation starters! Listen to casual topics you can totally ask strangers like: what are penises made out of? Is there a bone in there? And how do you break one? We're making real progress here, folks. And thank you to today's sponsors: Amazon = Go to amazon.com/shop/ladygang to find their favorite products while keeping the podcast FREE!  FrameBridge = Get 15% off your first order when you go to Framebridge.com with promo code LADYGANG  Kopari Beauty = Get $5 when you switch to Kopari today at KopariBeauty.com/LADYGANG  Stamps.com = Go to Stamps.com and click the Radio Microphone icon at the top of the home page and type in LADYGANG to receive free postage, a digital scale, and a 4-week trial! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey guys, the following podcast is a Lady Gang Network and Podcast One production, which means it's going to be awesome. It's time for a quickie. Podcast One presents The Lady Gang, the Hollywood girl posse with Lady Gang Quickie. Here's Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jack Vanek. Let's make this quick. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to The Lady Gang Quickie. I'm Becca, here with Kelty and Jack, eating jelly beans even though I shouldn't eat beans.

Why do we keep bringing snacks that I don't like? We're down to the purples and blacks of the jelly beans. Because I take out the yellow and the white. Oh, and I take out the pinks and the reds. Oh, what? These are jelly bellies, right? Yeah. The peach ones are the best, are they not?

I love buttered popcorn. Ew. Have you ever had those? The ones that taste like garbage? Yeah. Yeah. Something's weird with your mic. Let's do a sound check.

Hello? That's better, yeah. Oh, is I too close? You're, like, close and, like, just use your big girl voice. I can't. You can't. Oh, yeah. That's why.

Okay. Do you want to hear your quote? Sure. Oh, shit. I don't think we did one last week. It's okay. I don't know. It was a problem.

Okay. Are you ready for your quote? Ready for your quote? Ready for your quote? Ready for your quote? Ready for your quote? Oh, God. Just say it.

Sorry. I'm, like, redesigning my backyard right now, and so my Pinterest board is coming up with, like, not the correct thing. Okay. Are you ready? Shit went away. Okay. I just got like a bubblegum flavor.

You give life to what you give energy to. The minute you realize your worth, you shift your energy to attract new people who respect your worth. It starts with you first. You know what, Kelty? Yeah. You get it. This is so on brand with my day. What do you mean?

It's what I called you to get advice about earlier. It's true. That's weird. I know. Wait, what was I listening? You're an idiot. You're the worst. It's like know your worth, right?

Basically. It's like the moment you – It's not know your worth. You yourself put the energy into what it is you want. Yep. The world will do the same. It's like you – Law of attraction.

Uh-huh. Law of attraction. And also, I think this has been a big – 2019 for me has been a huge year of saying no to something. And it's saying no to money opportunities, which is really terrifying because I spent all of 2018 worrying about money and trying to get money. But some things are not worth the money, like the porn they asked me to do. Should I do a porn? That would be a lot of money though. Yeah.

No way. No? No. I bet. Yes. thank you I'm flattered now they have that thing

where they can literally put anybody's face on anybody yeah they've been doing it with Scarlett Johansson a lot it's called

I would be so flattered if someone put my face on someone hot porn body I'd be like yes this is what it would be like

I actually think it's a good thing because then if somebody's nudes get leaked now there's no proof like it makes everything kind of muddled

true so it's kind of good for celebrities you're too late I should have said that you should have done one I should have been like this isn't my

And I should have been like, guys, that's not my body. Here's my body and it's Giselle. That was for her FaceTune. Like, I'll send you my new news. Like, I couldn't even FaceTune that shit. I know. I know. I was, like, taking on the sidekick.

Thank God you were five. You know what I mean? You didn't even have any cellulite. Thank God. My boobs were so perky. You were at least over 21, right? Yeah. I think I was, like, 23.

Because then you could sue big time. Oh, shit. Damn it. Ugh, every time. Today we had some kids on set from a school. at et and they were like i was like you guys don't have to carry your bags around just put your bags around here they're like right here what if you trip and i was like oh then i'll get a big settlement you said that to children oh my god not only you should be teaching children

honestly i always kind of think that way it's like how can you get injured enough to sue but not where it's gonna affect you god i hope i burn my tongue on this coffee at mcdonald's no that lady on the plane she got like millions of dollars i know the guy or the woman at mcdonald's whose coffee spilled in her lap yeah oh wait maybe i'm getting that she's got a third degree burn honey i would take a third degree burn on my vagina any day i don't know i don't know for millions of dollars well millions yeah she definitely got millions yeah okay when we come back it's time for casual questions with the lady gang oh we need some music the lady gang okay we're back it's time for casual questions with the lady gang like i hear

elevator music. I do, too. Sing a little. It's like Kristen Wiig's voice. Ready? You sing the music. That's a sexy intro. My bad, my bad. You're like, it's weird. The song's just coming to me. My bad, my bad. Okay, so what I did is

I was so uninspired. I was empty of ideas, and I was like, What I'm going to do. So I literally Googled, what should I do on a quick podcast? No, you didn't. There were articles about it? No, there weren't. There was only joke articles about like, please don't ask me to listen to your podcast because it's annoying.

But then I went into- Like what you did to the guy on the plane? Yeah. Then I went into trivia and then I came across this, 101 casual questions to get to know someone. And I was like, this sounds great. And it's like for a date? It's just to get to know someone. Oh.

Just literally, casual questions to get to know someone. And what's great is I went through them and I circled the ones that were actually good. Okay. I hope our listeners still care about what we have to say. They do for sure. Okay. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance at winning a medal in? Day drinking.

Eating in my car. Organizing your pantry. What would your perfect room look like? Oh, glass walls. On the beach. Overlooking the beach. A tree house. Like in the woods.

In the middle of nowhere You can see all around you You're like a bird in a nest I'm staying at this hotel in Costa Rica That is literally that It's in the jungle, tree house, glass walls P.S. I've never had worse bug bites in my life Than when I went to Costa Rica

And I hope I don't get Zika It doesn't matter if you get Zika I have scars on my body still from those bug bites From mosquitoes or from bug bugs? Everything Do not go on the river trip They're going to try to get you to go in an inner tube

and I know you love this shit where you're day drinking and you're rolling down the lake in a tube. I swear to God I had like You might get dengue fever.

It's bad. Did you have dengue fever there? I don't know. Can you get a shot for that? No. Just you'll be so skinny. Poopy. You don't poop from dengue fever.

Oh. I saw the bathing suits on your Instagram for your trip. You're going to need more of a bathing suit. It's Costa Rica. You're not going to Hawaii.

You can't be that naked. Your vagina will be out. Your vagina will be out and the bugs. I've already gotten them. The creepers are going to come up in your vagina. What about if I'm on the beach though? Like on the beach beach. And the scorpions will come at your clit.

It's very. At your clit. It's not as like beach vacation Jack as you think in Costa Rica. No, whatever. Okay, live your best life. It's like Survivor. Yeah, a little bit more. Just make sure to bring a sarong and a diaper.

What is the most annoying habit that other people have? Ooh. when grown men call themselves boys. Like when a 40-year-old, when I was on dating apps, there'd be like literally a guy in his 40s being like, just a Midwestern boy out in the big city in LA. Stop. I'm like, you're 40.

You probably have a kid. Stop calling yourself a boy. It is my biggest pet peeve. I'm into that. That's a bad one. I don't know what mine is. I hate it when people try to show me unsolicited pictures on their phone. Oh, I hate an unsolicited YouTube video.

Don't even. I want to start karate chopping people's phones out of them. Especially when they're long. They're like four minutes long. You're like, God damn it. And also it means you're in my space because a lot of the time they don't just hand you the phone. They want to watch it with you. Have you already seen it?

Worst. People love to small talk me and I'm getting better at like being like, oh yeah, this is a waste of time. But I'm going to like, you know, because I'm trying to be a better person in 2019. and so I have now I'm I'm taking your small talk and I'm small talking back but when the small talk goes to oh and look I cannot with your phone don't show me I don't care I don't want to see your grandkids I don't want to see your new wood pile I don't want to see anything if I ask oh you know what in this small talk I'm interested I am interested in seeing your late cabin you went too could you pull up a few photos i will ask you i can't imagine doing that to somebody i don't

even do that with pictures of my dog thank god you'd be out of the lady people do no i'm like people i don't know it's such narcissism it's like why do you think that i care about your random shit in your life yeah it's weird no i have another how i feel about christmas cards i loathe a christmas card i love a christmas card you do what do you do with them after Christmas. Exactly. I keep them in my Christmas box and every year I compare like kids growing. Oh my gosh. And I'll know who I was friends with that year. Your husband uses a

bucket in the shower. It's like the opposite of green. I don't understand. I didn't cut down the tree. Because you know what that does to me? Makes me feel guilty when it goes in the garbage can three seconds after I open it. I know. Well don't put it in the garbage can. I have to. What are you going to do with it? How many

cards are you getting? You have no friends. 15 20. No. I don't get any. Oh. I get at least like 15, 20. I get like, yeah, this year 15 to 20. From who? People I work with, people in the biz. So you don't work with people. Why? You guys aren't sending me a Christmas card. No, I'm never

going to make one. No, because I could only afford to make 50 this year and you guys didn't make the list. Well, good. We both would have thrown one. I know your life already. So. Yeah. Okay. What do you wish you knew more about? Ooh. I wish I had another language. Oh, I do too. I've tried Italian.

I've tried French. I've tried Spanish. You're too old. I'm too old. Your brain is closed. It's like a learning curve when you're like a teenager. Closed. Or else you're done. Dud. I wish I knew more about. No hablo en pase.

Is that no, no passing? Never mind. That's definitely not it. Okay. No speaking. Okay. What do you wish you knew more about? Maybe like finances.

Oh. Like I know the basics, but I'm not. Yeah. That's a good one. Like when you see the ticker on the MSNBC, you're like, what does that mean? Is this me? Like stocks? Yeah.

Yeah. I wish I cared. Because if I cared, I could know more. I just know that people are making a lot of money by knowing about money. And I'm like a little old Jewish lady who like squirrels it away under my mattress. Ooh. I wish I knew about Bitcoin when it first launched. Yeah, duh.

Because then I would be rich. Yeah. We invested in Bitcoin. But when? We got 1,000 Bitcoin. It's worth $117 now. Good for you. we lost like 900 i was gonna say because did you get it like two weeks ago no i got it there was

nothing that made me happier than when bitcoin crashed i know me too because i'm like all you idiots yeah like stop talking about bitcoin out and so i love watching when people like i i that is brings me more joy than you can imagine like the fry festival thing oh my perfect world is every idiot out there planning to go to a music festival, planning their outfits, picking out who they're going with, talking about it all day long,

Insta-storing, I can't wait, countdown, and then they get there and it's a ham sandwich. It's truly the best thing that's ever happened. It's a Capri Sun and a freaking Discman. I love watching people's times get ruined.

Next question. Especially when it's times that I hate, like Coachella. I love when people come back and they're like, ugh, it sucked this year. I'm like, it sucks every year. Why are you surprised? What would be your first question after waking up from being cryogenically frozen for 100 years? Oh. See, isn't this such a casual question to get to know your friend?

It is not casual. Like, these are questions I wish I could have thought about. Did you ever see that movie, Passengers? Is it? Can you cryogenically freeze yourself? I don't think in live. I think there are definitely people that have frozen themselves in case we get to a place where we can bring them back up again. Isn't Walt Disney's head frozen?

Ew. A head being frozen is not going to help us. Is that real? I swear to God. Did you see that movie Passengers? No. With Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence? It bombed.

But the premise of the movie is that they go in and they get like cryogenically frozen in these pods. And then they wake up, right? And then it's like over 100 years. And then they wake up and they're on the new planet. But unfortunately, something happens. I can't really remember because I was like half asleep. But Chris Pratt's pod opens and he's stuck on the thing himself. Oh, yeah.

And so then he goes around and he watches every single person's video and he creepily picks out Jennifer Lawrence that he wants to wake up and he ruins – like basically kills her. What a dick. Yeah. And then they fall in love and then she finds out. And she's like – That he like fucked her.

Yeah. Hmm. Ew. That's so selfish. It's not a great story. That isn't a good storyline. But it's kind of – What was the casual question?

What would you say when you woke up a hundred years later? Yeah. I'd be like, is there finally a surgery to give me longer legs? It would be something vain. There is a surgery to give you longer legs. I mean, like a safe and like legit. Don't they literally like put extra bone in your leg? I think they add bones to it.

And I think you can only be like one more inch taller. Yeah, it's not worth it. Is that what they do to the penis too? No. penis surgery to make it bigger to make it i don't know can they do that okay next question all i've ever heard is they can put like your hamstring in your penis what no like the muscle yeah and it'll get is a penis a muscle yeah what's penis made out of penises is there a muscle there's no bone and there's no bone in the boner i know that i know a guy who broke his penis yeah

you can break it though but i think only when it's hard right um yes can you imagine breaking your penis and having to go to the hospital. How can you break it if there's not a bone? Then there must be. There's no bone. Is it cartilage? There's definitely not a bone. You can smoosh it. Guys, we're idiots. This is so upsetting. There's no bone in a boner. But he broke his penis. Like, had to... Maybe he sprained... Maybe he, like,

pulled the ligament in his penis. Maybe they call it... Yeah, maybe they call it you broke your penis. What is the penis made out of? Maybe... Actually, my husband sold urology, like, devices for 10 years. He should know... I should know this. I think that you can't break a penis

but I think you'd be like, I broke a penis, but it's not really. Now your phones are f***ing up the podcast. I'm sorry. I'm looking for how to break a penis. All right. How do you break a penis? What does it say? Give me something.

It's what we call a penile fracture. It's a severe form of a bending injury to the erect penis that occurs when a membrane called the tunica albuengia tears. Oh, that one. It surrounds the corpora. I also don't have my glasses on. Carnivorce specialized spongy tissue. Okay, enough.

So you can break a penis. But it's not a bone. No, it's not a bone. I mean, you can't. It's not a bone. It's definitely not a bone. But how do you break? You can't break a muscle.

You can break your cartilage. You break a cartilage. In your nose. Is there cartilage in a penis? Yeah, I think so. I'm not 100% sure. This is the dumbest conversation we've ever had. We're really sorry.

All the doctors out there are like, or not even doctors, just normal people. Just everyone's like, you guys. I thought that's a little known fact, if a penis is made out of it. I always knew that there was no bone. I knew there was no bone either. That's why I questioned her. Okay. You can literally like squish the penis in half when it's soft.

Okay. What? Please don't though. What is the most annoying question that people ask you? What's new? Every question ever. No. What's new with you?

What have you been up to? Tell me about yourself. All the small talk questions. People ask me who's the worst celebrity. And it's annoying because like I can't actually tell you. Jake Gyllenhaal. Oh, yeah. I mean, but I've made up with Jake Gyllenhaal, so it's, like, different, you know?

But he's still the worst, isn't he? I think he's still the worst. Okay. My most annoying is, I'll compare it to, like, when you're the bride. I hate when people are, like, too excited for you, and then you have to pretend to be as excited. Oh, my God. Are you so happy?

That's it. And you're like, I'm mediocrely. What if I was like, I mean, I'm good. I feel the same. I feel exactly the same. You can't ever get really happy, to be honest. I haven't been really happy since, like, I was a child. Like, that pure, like, unstressed joy of being like, I love to play tag in the woods.

I, like, I've always said that I have never loved anything as I much loved music when I was a teenager. Like, that was my most ecstatic, happy time. And then since then, it's been very, like, monotone. Me too. Like, when we got our show, I was just like, cool. Sweet. We were happy. And then I was like, should I be happier?

No, I thought I should be happier. I got worried right away, like instantly worried. Always. I think that's just being an adult because you're worried about the consequences of things. Here's what I'm really worried about, and let me just put a disclaimer out there. One day if I decide to get knocked up, I don't want one f***ing person congratulating me. I'm dead serious. Like, what is the congratulations for?

You had unprotected sex and your body's working? I do wonder about that. Like, I don't want to – let me just say it. Unless you were trying really hard and it was difficult to get pregnant. Right. It's not going to be hard for me. I've had some test runs. I'm just going to say that.

But, like, I don't want a single person, don't send me a baby emoji, don't send me dancing people or dancing babies, or say, I'm so excited for you. Congratulations. I can't wait to throw your super over-the-top baby shower. I won't. The next 18 years of my life are fucked. Number one, it would have to be a surprise baby shower. Number two. It will be.

I'd walk in and turn around and leave. No, you wouldn't. Yes, I would. It's great because I don't want to go to one. Great. I'm telling you right now, I don't want any of it. I don't want people at the lady gang congratulating me. I don't want people.

I want you to, if you know me, you'll give me like a fist bump emoji and move on. I don't like this at all. Why? They should actually give you the this emoji. The one finger with the okay shot and the pointy. The shocker. Yeah. You actually had sex.

Cool. Yeah. Good job. Why don't you like this? I feel like many people feel this way. I don't know about that, but okay. Jack, please remind me to not be happy for Becca at all when she brings new life into the universe.

Thank you. Everybody can do it. Most people can do it. That's true. Okay, well, so we learned about penises and we learned about Becca's cold, dead heart yet again on The Lady Gang. I'm just preparing all of you.

Preparing us up. We'll have to replay this when I do eventually get knocked out. We're like, we want to bring something right back up to the forefront. Anyway, we're not here for a long time, but we're here for a pretty... Decent time. Decent time.

Love you guys. Hey guys, thanks so much for listening to The Lady Gang, and you can subscribe to our show if you loved it. And we have new episodes every Tuesday and Thursday at Podcast One or wherever you listen to your podcasts. Now, if you're interested in following us on social, we are at The Lady Gang. Our TV show is Lady Gang TV,

and if you're really bored until March when our show comes back to your TV Sunday nights on the e-channel you can follow us personally at kelty at becca at jack bannock you can head on over to our website theladygang.com and on there you'll see how to send us an ask the lady gang question how to sign up for our newsletter and how to buy all the cute lady gang merch you see all your friends wearing we're so happy you're here and thank you for your support and we will see you next tuesday