LadyGang - LG QUICKIE: Happy Birthday, LadyGang...I'M SO TIRED!

Episode Date: January 24, 2019

It's 2/3 of the Ladies' birthday (sorry Jac) and they're trying not to be that person that celebrates their birthday week! Tune in to hear their attempts at birthday parties in years past and Keltie's rule at work concerning her birthday! Follow the podcast on Instagram @theladygang and you can email Jac, Becca and Keltie at Hello [e-mail]! And check out the show page @ladygangtv! And thank you to today's sponsors:  Amazon = Go to amazon.com/shop/ladygang to find their favorite products while keeping the podcast FREE! LaCroix = For more information join the LaCroix community at @lacroixwater or check them out at www.LaCroixwater.com Noom = Visit noom.com/ladygang to start your trial for a healthier lifestyle today Uqora = Break free from UTIs and get 30% off Uqora when you go to uqora.com/lady See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Barbara aka your nursing educator on Instagram. I'm a registered nurse and I create content to help nursing students feel ready to take on anything and everything that comes with the job and trust me it's a lot. Here's one of my favorite and simplest pro tips. Upgrade your scrubs to figs. Figs are designed for us. They are super soft, lightweight, and breathable with four-way stretch to keep up with your every move. Polished professional silhouettes? Check. functional details and pockets in all the right places check and check no matter what your day has in store figs has layers to match their under scrubs are perfect on their own or as a lightweight base layer to help keep you cool and dry and when the temperature drops their outerwear styles are

made for everything from chilly commutes to freezing hospital hallways if you're in health care or love someone who is check out figs head to wearfigs.com and use code figs ca for 15% off your first order that's where figs.com code figs ca hey guys the following podcast is a lady gang network and podcast one production which means it's going to be awesome it's time for a quickie podcast one presents the lady gang the hollywood girl posse with lady gang quickie here's kelty knight becca tobin and jack vanik let's make this quick hello hello hello and welcome to the lady It was excellent levels. Wow.

No, because I'm so sick of people being like, I can't hear back at the beginning. Well, we're also like putting an intro is coming out. Also, I say the same thing every time. I'm saying hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the waiting in quickie. Do they say they can't hear her just in the beginning? I don't know. I don't know what.

I listened to it in the car. I listened to it while I was cleaning. I gave myself a whole notes. I just want the sound to be perfect. And it's really hard for it to be perfect. Well, I do speak in a very monotone voice. So it's probably much harder. Sometimes it's hard to pick up a little bit.

Maybe they actually fall asleep while they're listening to you. Hopefully. They're like, good night, good night, good night. It's the lady gang. All right. We have a quickie. Do you have an inspirational quote? I sure do.

Oh, I can't wait. But I just want to say, my Pinterest, like I know it's been a minute since Pinterest was hot. Your Pinterests are amazing. I still use it, but only for myself. I know. I use it for myself. It's only to keep things organized.

I use it for myself too. But my Pinterest over the holidays and stuff, it's like 2019 is back. I have hot tub yard goals Like for my yard I have my inspiration Camera flash Which is like all my looks for the red carpet Inspiration

Okay, anyway, here we go I know you're shocked to know that I do not use Pinterest I'm shocked The best thing for Pinterest is like home decor For sure And I guess inspirational quotes Totally, here we go, are you ready? Our fears reveal

What we care about The most Oh, that's true. Cool. Most of my fear. Wow. So deep money. And that is definitely what I care about most.

Yeah. Yeah. Most of my nightmares are definitely about like professional failures. Yeah. When you dream, do you have the dream of like where you can't find the papers or you can't find the costume? I have my reoccurring fear dream is like, I'm about to go on stage. I can't find the notes.

I can't find the costume. I can't find the hole I'm supposed to dig. Like, I still have, like, the recurring dreams of being in high school and showing up to a class. No, it's like showing up to a final and I have never been to a single class or showing up and not having my homework or not having studied. Oh, this is so interesting. But I actually, no, I hate talking about dreams. I will not talk about it. Take that back immediately.

Aha, I got you into a hole. Now let's all talk about our dreams and feelings. to get ready but i keep fucking it up and missing a step and it's like always another step like to physically get ready physically get ready for something i wonder what that is in our brain the release mechanism i do i am interested in like excuse me um like collective things that everybody dreams about like your teeth falling out or you being in the backseat of a car without a driver like those kind of i've never dreamt about that you haven't no it has to be something that you're like life's out of control yeah you know weird weird okay cool we're not gonna talk

about our dreams the whole time because it's our birthday week when we come back happy birthday us gross except for me the lady gang we're back you use the term that i hate the most what birthday birthday week wait a second i'm confused is this episode a birthday because your birthdays are coming up or is this our birthday mine's on the 28th and mine is the 18th it's because of the lady gang birthday no no it's albacca and kelty's birthday that's what i thought don't worry we will do yours in may i don't want one okay but thank you i didn't want this i don't know what we're going to talk about for 20 minutes i will listen i have a plan oh my god tell me so little belief in me at this point i know first of all i wanted to know if you had any like goals thoughts about

this coming year of your age just and okay not look worse like i just need to maintain you look better every year okay this is not true but thank you but it is crazy i will say i was watching the other day a gif yeah it's a gif a gif of you and it was from when we did our presentation for the e-show and your hair was like longer you had a long lob and it was like more caramelly than it was like bleach bleach blonde and i was like whoa becca looks different yeah like you don't look older but it was like you were different you were different you know way different you were and i thought you were so blonde then and you were like not even on a level you're lucky that you not that you're lucky but it is rarer for a person that's not like a teenager to look good with as light of

hair as you do and you look really good with like bleach except my roots are so bad right now but I feel like you have to have roots. If you don't have roots, then it's like you went and you got like the. The Yolanda Foster. Yeah. It's like what my hair looked like when I was 15. Yeah. Or you went and got like the frosting tip from that drugstore and you pulled it through the cap.

Oh, I loved doing that. All the pieces were the same color of like highlighter. I love when guys bleach their hair like that. Oh, my God. So good. Like the Mark McGrath. So good. So good.

What are you expecting in this year of your life? This is the first year in 30s that I'm, like, a little bummed about my age. Really? Yeah. Like, I don't really let it bother me. I also know that it takes, like, 12 years to be an overnight sensation, right? So it's like overnight sensation life was not going to happen for me at 21. I just started this new career as a host, you know?

So I got to work. But it's like. Do you just feel like that you wish you were farther than you are? Kind of. I look around and I'm like, oh, well, these other people that are, like, nearing 40 in entertainment are, like, at this point in their careers. And I'm still, like – But you did start off later than most people did. That's true.

But also, like, what people? Well, I don't know. Like, Kat Daly, Juliana Rancic, like – But, like, what are they doing that you're not? It's true. Thank you. I mean, they have lines on HSN. Okay.

Well, that's it. Yeah. That's true. I don't know. You have a whole separate career, too. I know. The grass looks greener. The grass looks greener.

It does, for sure. And also because I've never, like, really leaned. I know that I'm a dick, but I've never leaned into, like, the I'm a star accoutrements. Yeah. Like, I don't go on the red carpet with 15 people. Like, I don't. Like, and some hosts do. I don't have, like, an entourage of, like, 15 people.

I sometimes get my own lunch. Like, I'll go drive myself somewhere. Like, there's a lot of people in this business that, like, don't do that. So I think from the outside looking in, they are, like, farther ahead. No, they're just dumber with their money. Yeah, I was going to say, aren't they paying for these things? Yeah, just, like, saving my dollars. Anyway, but it feels weird to be, like, so – like, I'm not so – I'm 37, so I'm, like, so close to 40.

But it's, like – Aren't you still way younger than those people? I am. Yeah. Yeah, aren't they in their 40s? Yeah, I'm young. Yeah, you – so – No, I know.

I'm just saying. It's our birthday episode. I thought I'd talk about birthdays. You can't compare yourself to other people. Yeah, also, you don't know what the hell is going on in their heads. You know that. No, I know. Everybody else is, like, falling apart as well.

No, I'm not. Okay, but I'm not. Don't put words in my mouth. I'm not falling apart. I'm the best I've ever been. I'm the best I've ever been. Everyone's a fucking mess, Kelty. No, I know, except me.

No. But anyway, okay, so I wanted to talk about birthday parties as a child. So do you remember your first birthday party or what's your first birthday party memory? i honestly don't know if i've ever had like an actual birthday party there's no way only child may did not throw you a birthday party you're so full of shit you're gonna need call may right now may call her right now and be like did i have birthday parties and she's gonna be like do you have a butthole i also for i don't remember a lot of my childhood for some reason yeah but like as once i like maybe i had them when i was like a kid kid but once i could

start deciding if I wanted to have them as an older kid. No, I've never liked birthday parties. I've never liked the attention. At what age did that happen? Probably when I was like 11, like maybe like junior high. Oh, like fifth grade? Yeah. I've never liked the attention of it. It always has felt bullshitty and weird

to me. Do you like it when you're at work and they're like, oh, it's Jack's birthday and they bring out a birthday cake and everyone... At work? I don't allow them to do that here at ET. The last three years, I'm like, do not do that cake where we all stand on stage and you sing Happy Birthday to Me and I do a speech about how much I love you. I'm like, I'm not doing it. speech every time people are like the first year they did it for me i was on the insider and it

was my first award season and i was like on the verge you guys know like when i get on that mental breakdown and i cry all the time and they were like happy birthday and they brought me the cake and then they all looked at me like say something and i just went i'm so tired and i just started crying oh my god wait that is literally out of a movie all i could muster was So dramatic. I know what that is. So dramatic. It's like that Jesse from Saved by the Bell.

I'm so scared. Yeah. I'm so scared. You're very Jesse's fan. I am. You are. You really are. I am.

I am. Oh, my God. Anyway, do you remember your first birthday party? Queen Becca, Princess Becca of the South? Yeah. Princess Becca of the South. I think that I had, like, maybe, like, Ariel come or something. I really enjoyed it.

God, you're so young. You could have, like, a costume character that was, like, before my time. Yeah, I had that. Or maybe, I don't remember. Or I dressed up as Pocahontas one year. Not politically correct anymore. Can't do that anymore. Can't do that anymore.

Because I loved Peter Pan. Your Pocahontas birthday party is over. Over. If those pictures resurfaced, I'd be out of Hollywood. Yeah, I don't really remember anything. I did like a bowling birthday. Oh, hell yeah. I could do a bowling birthday.

Yeah. Okay. I liked activities because it would take away. Yeah, the attention from yourself. Yeah. I remember my first birthday party Because it's when I fell in love with my best friend Katie Everyone was in my basement

And we had balloons, no helium And we were playing balloon volleyball Boys and girls, first grade birthday party And then we went into the laundry room with a lino What? You know lino? Do you remember like how there were some houses Like if you couldn't get tile or carpet

Oh, linoleum? Linoleum, the lino Canadians come up with the weirdest nicknames that are unnecessary yeah why okay i love when you do it too and you like you say it like with conviction like we're gonna know what you're talking about lino we went on to the lino because because it was a laundry room and we each got like our own paper plates and then white glue and we made a craft and it was um it was uh snowmen oh you know with the cotton balls cool so cute right it's january birthday january i hated having a winter birthday it sucked i could

never have a pool party never did you hate that it was so close to christmas yeah that too you're like but it was convenient as i got older because whatever i didn't get from santa i would get on my birthday i think it's better to have a birthday after christmas than before way better or they just forget about it all together and then they just smush them together yes and on boxing day i was at target with chris and we went by the book section and i pointed out the joanna game gaines new book homebody and i was like that's what i want for my birthday and it was on sale and he bought it with me at that moment on sale on boxing day and now i know what i'm getting for my birthday and i took it home and i put on the bookshelf and i didn't even open it i'm waiting

till my birthday for real yeah that's it wrapped or you just put it on there chris will wrap it like the night before for real i don't know i don't think zach's oh no the first year we started dating he wrapped my presents never again not christmas either we don't really do when was your first like boy girl birthday party where you're like we're all watching a movie and eating popcorn in the basement but you're making out getting fingered yes oh well okay Like, oh, getting fingered right away. When? With boys in high school?

Yeah, but, like, when was your first boy-girl party? You didn't get fingered in high school. Oh, maybe I did. But I didn't have my first kiss until I was 16. I was a late bloomer. Right. Okay. I did things that probably at the timing kids should do things.

You were, like, dry humping at 25. Yeah. At the time that you should be dry humping. Yeah, right. The proper dry humping sequence. Here's the thing, guys. actually this brings me to this has nothing to do with birthdays but i'm gonna make an observation oh i don't want people to get upset okay people are gonna get they're gonna get upset

but um you know a lot of people are not having sex until marriage but now people are getting married so much older which means you're having sex for the first time in your 30s yeah i have to say you're like i had the greatest time i was so horny when i was in my teens and 20s like that's when sex is the best yes that's when you your basement floods and you can't even not even a sham wow can pick up what you let out but here's the thing do you think if people that are waiting now have so much like no your sex drive but women's sex drives i think hit their peek in their legs they're supposed to that's what they say it is like according to quote unquote science i think if we lived in the wild that would happen but we have all these toxic chemicals all

the birth controls all the parabens and our makeup yeah we're vagina will never be as moist as it was in your teens and 20s oh that's true and also you were sex was such a big deal and you had to like do it at your parents house or whatever it was so like there was so much of dry humping in the time off and the dry humping like got you there and also like you're so young dry hump february where we don't have sex at all with our husbands and we only dry hump no do you want to try it do you want to have dry hump february i'll do it let's do it i'm not you would do it there's no come on dry hump dry hump that is worse no dry hump and french kiss february no gross lady gang it's happening but i can do that because i'm in like a new relationship so it's like a fun thing that

leads to sex no there's no sex you'd cut it off before this would be fun for me because it's still like exciting like one time i read this book and it was like if you want to get the passion back in your relationship like french kiss for two minutes straight and then i was like let me try it and then i was like doing that looking at your watch you don't want to get in on dry hump french kiss february no try on french kiss february no it sounds so fun it sounds awful jack you in i'll do it okay but you cannot have sex all february you can only kiss and dry hump it's not fair i'm going on vacation in february yeah she has to put out okay but at least 30 minutes of dry humping and kissing first that's much we're gonna be chafing underneath yeah five minutes of dry

humping and kissing before you have penetration i feel like i could not take myself seriously dry humping at this age but that's why are you considering a dry hump like a literal hump or like kind of like fooling around like you know smushing your clitoral stimulation is happening it's like when you're actually doing like a sex movement not an in and out cause that will hurt it's a roll

you roll over the penis the penis is hard in the pant and you're like like a fire I'm not gonna be like rubbing but like I like if you're fooling around with your clothes on before you like end up hooking up like is that considering a dry mouth like you gotta reach down and rub it a little with your hand

like over the jean over the jean i just learned how to give a hand job like on an actual penis by the way it just made me think of that who taught you jared he taught you yeah i'm like show me with my own hand no so i know how to do it no yeah was it anything like kat graham taught us on the but like i think all guys are different with what they like but like no okay so back to sorry i just thought of that dry hum french kiss february okay whatever enjoy okay you want to do it just because then you don't have to have sex that's not seems like more work than sex that's why i'm no 2019 one of my manifests is to like have sex once a week that's a lot yeah you should

be doing that yeah you definitely should be doing that you don't have children like crawling in bed with you like usually how often do you have sex twice a week two to three times a week no still yeah you always joke about having sex i thought i wasn't alone in this blowing guys it's literally like brushing your teeth yeah transactional sex no i fell off the wagon because i got really stressed out and then i had like casts on oh yeah like i'm off and then chris had like a like we're back though chris got a chris got a promotion like oh we're back on fire we're feeling sexual i'm not drinking diet coke i'm not bloated like i got this okay last birthday question what what's the best themed birthday party you've ever been to none i hate a theme

Didn't you have a themed graduation party Or did you just wear a costume No I just wore a cabin gown Okay so I have A good one I lived in Silver Lake a few years ago In this big house with like six girls We called it the castle and we always had

Themed parties But there were always these themes that like Didn't really go together So my favorite party was Cowboys, aliens And Arrested Development themed Weird. And I painted myself blue, like Tobias.

Have you guys seen Arrested Development? Tobias is blue? I blued myself. But I did it with acrylic paint and it didn't come off for like three days. Idiot. And then my friend had sex with blue, painted blue as well. So it was a good day. Oh my God.

It's a good theme. Oh, that's gross. Sounds reckless. It was reckless. I was like 22 years old. Okay. What was yours? I don't know that I've ever had like a, you know.

I used to have like a – well, it was my birthday tradition to always watch the movie Girls Just Want to Have Fun with Sarah Jessica Parker and Helen Hunt, the dance movie, where they're auditioning to be the leads on dance TV every year. And I'd have a sleepover with like four girls, and we'd play Girl Talk, the board game. Do you remember the board game? Oh, with the phone? Girl Talk. You like spun it, and then – I don't know. Did it have the pink phone, though? I don't know if there was like a phone, but that was just like it didn't do anything.

You picked up the cards, and then it had like burning questions. like, Nick wants to go on a date with you. What do you say? And you're like, well, I don't know. You want to dry up in French? I'd like to make a modern girl talk. I know. Should we add that to our list? You're like, Travis just ghosted you and you saw him with your best friend

at Whole Foods. What do you do? Yeah. Alright, well, happy birthday to all the January birthdays from the Lady Gang. Shout out to the Capricorns. And Aquarius. But mostly Capricorns.

the age of Aquarius you're not very much an Aquarius because Aquarius usually like attention I love attention yeah what are you talking about

but like socially oh you know oh but of course not that sounds terrible okay anyway we love you

happy birthday Becca happy birthday Kelty oh my god someone please go on Wikipedia change my birth year seriously

take my age off Wikipedia it's so f***ed up And someone keeps adding my maiden name, and I take it off, and then they add it back. Who added something fucked up to your work media? People add them all the time. She's like, she's a former stripper. And I'm like, really, guys?

I mean, you were in a show called Peep Show in Vegas where you only wore a thong. She has a point. All right. So excited about Dry Hump and French Kiss February. Enjoy, everyone. I won't be. We're not here for a long time. We're here for a good time.

Bye. Hey, guys. Thanks so much for listening to The Lady Gang. And you can subscribe to our show if you loved it. And we have new episodes every Tuesday and Thursday at Podcast One or wherever you listen to your podcasts. Now, if you're interested in following us on social, we are at The Lady Gang. Our TV show is Lady Gang TV. And if you're really bored until March when our show comes back to your TV Sunday nights on the E! Channel,

you can follow us personally at Kelty, at Becca, at Jack Vanek. You can head on over to our website, theladygang.com. And on there, you'll see how to send us an Ask the Lady Gang question, how to sign up for our newsletter, and how to buy all the cute Lady Gang merch you see all your friends wearing. We're so happy you're here, and thank you for your support, and we will see you next Tuesday.