LadyGang - LG QUICKIE: How to Improve Your Sex Life with Dr. Gupta

Episode Date: October 28, 2021

As strong believers in therapy, the ladies are joined by Psychiatrist Dr. Mona Gupta to discuss how our brains and sex interact. Are you embarrassed to talk about your sex life? Has your sex drive decreased with age? Do your list of chores and work get in the way of sexy time? Dr. Gupta sheds some light on all of this by offering explanations and solutions.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Close to our heart is the belief that ladies give back and show up for others. Right now, there are over 300 million women and girls that live in period poverty across the world. And without period care, they often stop going to school and miss out on economic opportunities. So we're showing up for them. We've partnered with Salt Sustainable Period Care, AB Corp, with a 2% give back mission to donate period care and help fund initiatives in menstrual health. So each time you buy with Lady Gang at shop.theladygang.com, You're helping give girls in need planet-saving period care

so when their periods start, their education doesn't have to stop. Plus, go to salt.com slash pages slash Lady Gang for your own period care and get 15% off with code LADYGANG. It's time for a quickie. Podcast One presents The Lady Gang, the Hollywood girl posse with Lady Gang quickie. Here's Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jack Vanek. Let's make this quick.

Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the Lady Gang Quickie. I am here with Kalti and Jack and I'm Becca and we have someone really, really exciting for you guys. It's going to be sexy. We're getting sexy today on Lady Gang. I have so many questions about my own body. So this will be just a solo episode. I'm glad Becca and Jack are here. But here's what happened. So a few weeks ago we had uh we had a conversation about like our sex lives we had just like how's our sex lives and it went so bananas we got so many dms from girls being like thanks for talking about this because i felt like a loser and that i was just failing everyone and i watched the rihanna savage fenty show and it looked like everyone's being so sexually like prowless but like i'm not

i'm in my sweatpants and so we thought let's get like a doctor on to talk about our lives uh and our sex lives. And so that's what we've done. And we want to welcome Dr. Mona Gupta on the Lady Gang today to talk about our brains and our brains on sex. So we believe so much in therapy and we know that not everyone has the time or the money to go and see someone to talk about their brains and their sex lives. And so that is why she's here to give us a little insight on everything to do with sex, but especially something we talked about in that episode, called Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder. It's called HSDD. So let's get sexy. Welcome to the show. Hi, thank you. Thank you for having me on this particular topic because I am a psychiatrist.

I talk about a lot of topics, but to talk about this one is actually personal, not just professional. So I'm very excited about talking about all things sexiness. Great. I want to ask you, I feel like there's an embarrassment factor. Can you talk about that? People don't want to admit that they may not be getting down every day? Oh my God. It's so huge. So as a psychiatrist, I see women, men, I see ages 18 and above mainly, but women have the hardest time talking about it. And they feel so much guilt, you know, like I'm not having sex every day. So I'm a failure. I'm not having sex every week. So I'm a failure. You know, it's like never enough, you know, and you talk to people and they make it seem like their sex lives are so wild and crazy.

or you watch movies and they seem like they're wild and crazy. And the truth is that's not the case. What do the men talk about sex? Like what do they say? So this is what men do when they come to me. So they come in, I have a medical assistant or a nurse check them in. Every single time they'll be like, I have a question for Dr. Gupta and I can only tell Dr. Gupta. Usually when they come in, it'll be, you know, I'm feeling depressed. I'm feeling hopeless, blah, blah, blah. Right. right? I mean, that's normal. Or I have concentration issues. When they have a sexual problem at all, that's when they say to them, I have a problem that I can only talk to Dr. Gupta every single time. So then I walk in, I already know what the problem is. And they feel okay

talking about it. It's usually that their penis won't stay erect. It's they have libido issues and it really bothers them. It really bothers them. It takes away their manhood, you know, in their manhood. Right. Like, so they feel like they're failing. They actually have a lot of insecurities about it, you know? So that's a big one for them. So if you want to look at HSDD being an issue for them, they could be on medications that are causing these issues. So, I mean, it's a conversation that needs to be had, but men become very insecure because like we have, we feel guilty, they feel guilty. Right. So, I mean, yeah. Is it true, but is it possible that there is a guy out there that has the same sex drive as I do at 30s something like you still

would love to have some sex but you don't need to have sex every day like you're a ram truck like is that possible or does that mean there's something wrong no there's people like that too I mean there's all forms of it right like there's no right and wrong right um I think that we're by the tv shows and movies you're taught like oh you just get home and you just want to ravage someone on a daily basis, but that's not reality. You know, reality is not for a man or woman. That's the case. Who do you think like men or women have more, I guess, shame and guilt when it comes to not having the sex drive that movies or just society makes them think that they should have? So I think men have it because they are expected. I think men and women have it for

different reasons. Men have it because they're supposed to be manly and they're supposed to take care of their woman or take care of every woman, you know, and women have it because they feel it's their duty and they're failing, you know, their marriage or their relationship and something's wrong with them. And they, they can't talk about it and men can't talk about it. So it's something that needs to be vocalized and people like you, lady gang, and, you know, I don't know if there's a man gang, but, you know, people need to talk about this. It's, it's a real issue. And even in my life, my husband's life, my friends, patients, I mean, it's an issue that no one's talking about. And that's why I'm starting to get out there and talk about it, even talk about my own personal history is because I think if people never think it's, you know, they think it's just their problem, but it's really our problem.

And we can all do something to make it better. And different cultures have different views on it. Right. So if you come from where I'm from in India, you don't talk about it at all. You know, there is no birds and bees. You just don't talk about it. It's not something that happens. I don't know, babies come out of God knows where, you know, the stork brings them, of course, brings them. And, you know, it's not even just like in the brown culture. It's in so many cultures. Right. And Asian cultures, like you said, all of Asia just pretends like it doesn't exist. But all of a sudden babies are born and we were the most populous countries. Right. And then there's the Latin South American cultures who actually embrace it and talk about it.

But then they're called like hoochies, you know. yeah it's it's a very confusing thing and i think it's like i will say i think of all the conversations like my girlfriends know everything about me i talk about everything and until lady gang like i never talked about sex drive like it was like that one thing like i can't we never sat at brunch and we're like how often do you want to have sex like it was just for the conversations like even with your closest friends it's something you don't want to admit because it does make you feel like a loser. Yeah. I agree. You're just supposed to be like amazing. And, and, and listen, I can wear a hot outfit and it doesn't mean that I'm like ready to go. Yeah. No, I know. Yeah.

Well, and also I think there's that class of like that, that group of women that never talk about it. But then I've also found that there are women who groups of friends who talk about never wanting to have sex with their husbands, but talk about it in a way that they don't want to fix it. Yeah. So I think that can also be equally as detrimental to a sex life because it's, I know the reason that they're saying it is because it's almost that misery loves company. Cause then if you are commiserating with women about how you don't want to have sex with your husband, then you don't go home feeling like, Oh, Kelty had sex with Chris last night and it lasted 45 minutes. I feel guilty. Instead. She's like, I don't want to touch him with a 10 foot

pulse. And then I get to go home and be like, well, at least I want to kiss my husband. So there's this weird thing. Well, I think they're also angry and there's a lot of resentment and there might be, it might not be toward their husband. There may be something that happened in childhood. There may, there's so many things. There's molestations. There's, there's just people talking about it in a way that never made you feel comfortable.

There's people who were exposed to porn at an early age. There's so many levels of this that can affect your thoughts on it. And so then that can be brought into your marriage. And that's where like counseling can happen and help, but you know, people have to get access to counseling. And right now it's, it's kind of hard to get, right? Sure. I want to ask you about, um, this decrease with age thing.

So sex lasts like three minutes to 13 minutes on average. And then it always has this like in quotations and it decreases with age. What's going on in our brains? That's like decreasing. Are we just tired? Like I can't work out as hard or are we just like this shit? I don't want to have sex with you anymore. Like what's happening? Well, it's interesting. Women actually, they have their peak at, I think it's a close to 40, you know? Whereas men have their peak at 20. So it's just really interesting how they're completely different. That's why you hear the thing cougar,

right? Because I think what happens is in your forties, you start getting, oh, wow. And you kind are more confident in yourself. And I think you start saying, oh, you know, that guy's really hot. Like, you know, and you really start thinking and your brain's just going. Then what happens is with women, we flip, well, okay. What happens is in our twenties, we're trying to find a spouse. That's really like what our mind is telling us. We need to find someone to make babies with. That's it. Then you have sex in their twenties. And yes, we might be promiscuous at that time, but really it's like our, the way we were kind of, I guess like the genetic predisposition is to have, like you're ready to have babies. Then in your thirties, you're raising these babies,

but in forties, you're starting to see these babies and this time has changed, right? People are having babies in thirties and forties, but you know, and then the forties, they're starting to, kind of the babies are freeing them. They're being freed up. They're able to do their own thing. And And that's when they start looking at men again, but then they go through menopause and now menopause with the decrease in hormones, you are like becoming dry, you know, and it's a more painful, yes, it's totally DAP. And so that becomes the issue is the, now it becomes painful, you know, and it may have been in periods before, but that, that's a really, not just painful, but you just lose

interest. And yeah, you might be tired, but that progesterone level has decreased. And so that's where a lot of people will do bioidentical hormones or they'll do hormonal treatment because your ideal age is actually 35. So you want to get hormonally to where you were at 35. The Lady Gang. I want to ask you from like a psychological brain, like scanning of the brain, what happens like when, when you say yes, versus when you say no, like what's happening in our brains? Like I know there's oxy, whatever, serotonin, prefrontal cortex. Like, can you explain like our brains on sex? So our brains on sex, they actually get fired up, right? So oxytocin is the one, um, the neurotransmitter that actually helps with wanting it. So hugging

someone for 20 seconds actually really helps you want sex oxytocin goes up, but how often are we hugging people for a full 20 seconds? Right. Um, dopamine is another one. Like you do a hug, you're like, you know, and like you move on, but no, this is like a serious, like you're holding and embracing someone, you know? And I mean, there are people who do that, but there's a lot of people who don't, right. And you don't have the time. 20 seconds seems like a very short amount of time, but it's long. Right. Dopamine is another one. Dopamine is a huge one. So if you have an increased dopamine, you're going to want to, you're going to have that desire. When I'm talking about dopamine, I'm talking about you went out to a bar, some guy hits on you, you feel really sexy

and all of a sudden, you know, like something happens and you just are thinking like, and you can't get out of it. It's almost a high, right? And he can do anything. You know what I mean? Like that sounds horrible, but it's true, right? Like you feel that, oh my God, I feel sexy, right that feeling is dopamine what's interesting about it is like i've been married almost 10 years now and it's like it's a weird i'm gonna admit this chris i hope you're not listening but it's like i look at chris and i'm like uh like okay but then i'll see like fantasize about someone i just watched a movie about and i'm like so hot and bothered about it or like saw some hot guy on the street and i'm like oh la la but like i have a perfectly good partner at home like turn

the dopamine on for him. Like, I don't want the dopamine on for the Duke on Bridgerton. Like it's annoying. You know what I mean? But it's like a weird thing that happens. The hot and bothered for someone on the street is because you're not thinking about that list of things to do, right? Or your kids aren't tugging on you. I don't know if any of you have children, but they're tugging on you and you're being touched and, you know, or you're breastfeeding. I mean, the last thing you want to do is have another person grabbing at your breasts, right? Okay. So if, if everything you're saying sounds true. And you're someone who maybe has experienced low libido or feels like they could have HSDD. I mean, what do you think is best? And like, what's your own experience with

it? How I got into this is obviously I had to do it for that reason. And patients come in and they're having trouble in their marriages or trouble in their relationships and, you know, to try to figure out that. And then this new medication came out and it was supposed to be the Viagra, uh, for women. And I was like, Oh my God, this may help me, you know, forget anyone else. This may help me because I have been married for 20 years. I have three children. I am in like my husband has a very busy practice. He podcasts, he does all these things and he's traveling all the time. So the last thing we want to do, well, he wants to have sex, but I don't, you know, I really do not. I'm like, stop it. Don't touch me. You know? And then, you know, it got to a

point where the pandemic happened and, you know, he was like, something's got to change. And I didn't know what that was going to be. You know, how, how was I going to change? Like I'm broken. Like, what am I going to do? You know? So anyways, I started to look back into the Viagra and I had given it to a few patients at this point, but I hadn't really like embraced it yet. You know, I'm like, oh, okay. We do Wellbutrin, which is a medication that I use a lot of times. And that's called bupropion as well. And I would use that to help people with side effects of sexual decrease libido. Or I would do something like Buspar. There's different medications that are in our boxes, let's say, that we use for people who have lower libido. Other ones are

testosterone or there were a bunch of supplements, but nothing really had been truly studied for this purpose, HSTD. So I actually was like, I think I have a HSTD. And it's funny, doctors have problems too, right? So I realized I have this problem. And so I started Addy. It wasn't an overnight thing. And the other thing is if you were to look at the studies, a lot of doctors were poo-pooing it because it's not a Viagra. It doesn't increase the blood flow down there. It actually works in a completely different way. It works on the brain. And if you think about women, we are very much, you know, in the brain when we think about sex, right? Like if we have a list of things to do, what are we doing? Thinking of the list of things to do while

having sex. So how can you really relax, right? So this medication, I was fortunate enough to say, okay, one of my friends, I was like, I'd really like to try it. Let's start me on it. And it's very safe. That was the other thing, you know, me going on testosterone. I was like, I don't want any more hair. You know what I mean? So I was like, no, I don't want to go on testosterone. I don't want to do all this blood work all the time. Then there was another medication called Vilesi. And the reason I'm giving you all these different names is so you kind of understand there's a lot of choices out there. What do these choices entail? So testosterone, you get lab work, you might have low T, they might put you on testosterone. Now there are side effects to that,

but there's also benefits. Then there's Vilesi, which is an injection. You have to inject a half an hour before you want to have sex. Now that takes away for me, the spontaneity, right? Like I have to plan when I want to be shot up so I can have sex. Like, no thanks. Then, um, Addie came out and you, and Addie was actually first. Um, and it actually, some of the side effects were actually some of the benefits for me, you know, side effects were trouble. If you have trouble sleeping, it's going to help with that. Some of the mood component would improve too, like anxiety and kind of a little halo effect of like feeling a little happier. And then it didn't have weight gain, which I will not take anything that causes weight gain along with every woman who comes to

my practice, right? That's one of the first questions they'll ask me, is this going to cause weight gain? So it actually helps with weight loss. Women are crazy, right? Like we'll be like, okay, you desperately need this medication. It's going to make your life 400 times better. And you're like, well, will it cause weight gain? And then you're like, now I'll pass. Like what a nutbags we are. No, we are nutbags. We're a hundred percent, all of us, you know? And it's because we're worried about that. Then we're like, well, my husband's going to get upset if my sex drive goes down, but yeah, I'll just sit in the bed all day long and be depressed. You know? I mean, there's so many levels to this. So anyways, so then I started it. It

didn't change my life immediately, but it did help me sleep immediately, which I had slept it's so long, you know, because I mean, once again, the list of things to do well, then in about a month, I was like, I'm not saying no anymore. This is amazing. You know what I mean? Like my husband's like, what? It's different. Two months in, I'm really not saying no anymore. And in fact, I'm somewhat initiating. I was like, who is this person? You know? I mean, it had been years. Like I count how many times we were having sex. Like that's not good. You know? And I was embarrassed and I couldn't talk to anyone in the world about it. So how many people can't talk about this issue. Like you said, you've got a bunch of DMs after. If you were to actually

have the call lines opened up and ask people to write their names down, they'd be like, no, thanks. You know what I mean? But DMs, you feel you have private time and you're able to ask, right? So I would have sex because that's who I can have sex with. But then I ended up going dancing one night with a bunch of girls and people kind of hit on you and they make you feel good and you start dancing. And I was like, oh my God, this is what's missing. It's sexiness. You need to feel sexy. And I think that's what we're lacking at home a lot of times. It's just that sexiness. I'm wearing our sweatpants. We're in our pajamas. We're not feeling sexy. When we get dressed up, we're feeling good. I'm wearing my animal print and I'm on the dance floor and

someone's making me feel a million bucks. No, it's so true. It's probably why so many women or not so many, but I mean, there are more women than we know that are cheating on their husbands because they're lacking that excitement, that dopamine spike, that other... You see your husband, you associate it with shit you have to do in your house, the laundry you have to wash that's on his body right now. It's not sexy. And so I wonder if women were putting... And it's a two-way street. I'm not putting any blame on women. If we were to acknowledge that and just be able to understand analytically why that is, then maybe you would be less likely to go out and search for it and maybe try to figure out how to get those dopamine spikes back with the person

that you are quote allowed to have sex with, which I love the way you said that allowed to have sex with. You're like, and that's who I'm allowed to have sex with. It's got to be him. Well, and I think, you know, the other thing is you have to constantly work on it. Right. And like you said, we don't have time a lot of times to do therapy. We don't. And that involves therapy. right? But just feel like the Addy journey has been discovering, okay, there's interest now, but now how do I make myself sexy again? You know, how do I find myself again? And that's for men and women, right? Because we get so just inundated with the every days we forget ourselves. So me going to the dance floor made me no longer a mom. I mean, I'm still a mom, but you know, I'm not a

mom at that moment. I'm not a wife at that moment. I'm not a doctor at that moment. I'm just a woman. and that's like life-changing right there and it sounds so stupid but it's so real you know yeah we forget our what our womanness i have a selfish question can i take addy on lexapro you can i take addy on you can i'm like the biggest fan of addy and i do not get paid by them you know i truly love that medication because it saved my marriage you know and i and i actually started to give it to a lot more patients after i had been on it because honestly, if it's safe for me, then obviously I'm okay giving it to other people. I always treat people like, how would I treat my own family member? And I have to say it

saved many, many marriages. And I wish that I wish this has been around for a long time, you know, because it's, it really will help you not cheat because you'll actually find interest, but it doesn't conflict with other meds. So you can take a, I take it with Prozac. Other people take it with SSRIs, there really is no contraindication with it. If there are, I mean, that's, that's the issue is that when it first came out, it was, they put this like warning label on it and they said, you can't drink on it. But the truth is you can drink on it. You just can't drink copious amounts of alcohol, which every medication, copious amounts of alcohol. So as long as you're drinking within reason, a glass of wine, no problem. It can make you tired. And so you want to take it

in the evening. So don't take it in the morning when you're going to pass out in the middle of the day, like, you know, just use your, and that's where it's my job and other medical professionals to tell you all those things. Right. But taking with Prozac, taking with Paxil, taking with other antidepressants or high blood pressure medicines or thyroid medicines, no problem. Okay. Great. Wow. Well, listen, if you want to follow, um, we've loved having you by the way, This whole conversation was incredible. You can follow Dr. Gupta at at ask Dr. Gupta on Instagram. Let us know what you think.

And we'll do some polls about your sex life on Instagram anonymously, of course. Thank you. Well, we weren't here for a long time, but we were here for a good time. Sexy time. Sexy time. Thanks for listening. The Lady Gang is produced by Alex Ingber, Steve Delameter, and Jared Monaco. Make sure you subscribe, rate, and review our podcast.

And if you love it, share it with your friends on social media like, Oh my God, I just listened to Lady Gang. This episode's so great. Swipe up to listen. And if you really want to, which we know you do, please follow us on social at Kelty, at Becca, at Jack Vanek, and at the Lady Gang. Sign up for our newsletter at theladygang.com and join our secret Facebook group. It's super fun.

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