LadyGang - LG Quickie: How to Orgasm (For Real) with Vanessa Marin

Episode Date: March 12, 2026

Vanessa Marin is back — and this time we’re talking about the big O. In this no-BS, shame-free conversation, Vanessa breaks down why so many women admit (quietly, anonymously, in Facebook groups at 2 a.m.) that they’ve never had a real orgasm — and why that doesn’t mean you’re broken. From the myth of intercourse as the “main event” to the mental blocks, performance pressure, and distraction that get in the way, she explains what’s actually happening in our bodies. We dive into her course Finishing School, the three pillars of orgasm (technical, mental, relational), why your solo technique might be sabotaging partner play, and the simple shifts that can make pleasure consistent and reliable.Check out our great sponsors!!Clean Simple Eats: Shop the best tasting protein powders at CleanSimpleEats.comProgressive: Need car insurance? Head to Progressive.com to see how much you can save!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

There's a certain feeling you only get on a Sunday drive. No rush, no noise, just space to breathe. The week fades into the rear view and everything feels a little simpler. That's what car insurance with Aviva Direct is like. Smooth, straightforward, easy as Sunday driving. Get a quote in minutes at aviva.ca It's time for a quickie. Podcast One presents The Lady Gang,

the Hollywood girl posse with Lady Gang Quickie. Here's Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jack Vanek. Let's make this quick. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to Lady Gang Quickie. I'm back in here with Jack and Kelty. And we have someone back by, you know, major demand in the Lady Gang.

We didn't give her one episode. We're giving her two episodes. Kelty, who do we have? Vanessa Marin is here from the amazing podcast Pillow Talks that she does with her husband Xander. And basically what I love about her and Xander is they're like long-term couple. She's a licensed sex therapist and she's like teaching us how to, even though the, what we learned on Tuesday's episode, the like brainwaves are bored, how to keep an exciting sex life and stay connected to our husbands and lovers, which I love. You can check her out at vmtherapy.com. And of course, on their Instagram, Vanessa and Xander. Today, I want to talk about your course,

because there's this course called Finishing School that's all about the orgasms. Best name ever. So good. Literally. But I also am very interested in this. And I think a lot of people are because we are continuing to see people not only in pop culture, but like in our Facebook group, in our different groups, like admit it's been a very silent thing, but admit after years and years and years, like I've never had a real orgasm. I don't really know what that is. Like, and I saw just last week, girls in our Facebook group giving each other advice. I'm like, I'm so embarrassed. They do it anonymously. I'm so embarrassed to say this, but I never have. And the girls were like,

you need to get a, you know, try yourself. So we were like, Vanessa can do this. So Vanessa, take us to finishing school here on Lady Gang. What do we need to know? So I originally created Finishing School because I struggled with my own orgasm. So I learned how to orgasm on my own, but I could not get there with a partner. And it was wildly confusing to me. Like, how could it be pretty straightforward and simple on my own, but it feels absolutely impossible with a partner. I had this extra side of imposter syndrome because here I am like wanting to be a sex therapist, eventually starting to study to become a sex therapist, being a part of the sex therapy field. And I still couldn't figure it out. And I was looking

around me everywhere trying to find tools, advice, suggestions. And I saw the same generic crap that every woman who's ever Googled, how do I have an orgasm, has ever found. Just relax. Don't think about it. And just let it happen. And I tried the hell out of those three things. And unfortunately, they did not work. And so I really embarked on this journey to figure out how to actually get there myself. And once I did figure it out, then it became motivation to create a system that would work for other women too. I didn't want other women to have to go through the same shame, embarrassment, feeling broken, feeling alone that I went through. So that was what Finishing School became. It's a really step-by-step, no bullshit, just don't think about it, just relax

kind of advice, it explicitly, clearly walks you through. First, you got to try this. Then you're going to try this. Then you're going to try that to get to the point where you can have consistent, reliable orgasms every single time. Because like we were talking about in the last episode, most women don't have a desire problem. They have an enjoyment problem. If we don't enjoy the sex we're having, if we're not having orgasms and pleasure, why would we crave it? It doesn't make any sense to crave an experience that's not enjoyable for you. Can you give us like a TLDR just of like quick little notes about like what the course is like so people know what to expect? So it goes over three key components of orgasm. So the first one is the technical aspect,

which is literally figuring out how our bodies work. And I'll share some more tips about how women can start exploring that in just a minute. The second thing is the mental aspect of it. So a lot of us struggle with just thoughts that get in the way of us being able to orgasm, embarrassment about our bodies, feeling like self-conscious, not wanting to be the center of attention during sex, feeling uncomfortable letting your partner focus on you. So there's a lot of like breaking down those negative beliefs that we were all taught to have in order to create the space for you to actually start having orgasms. And then the third is the relational aspect. A lot of women struggle with their partner because different dynamics can come up. Maybe we're

afraid to ask them to focus on us. Maybe we started faking at the beginning of the relationship and our partner thinks they know what to do and it actually doesn't really work so well for us anymore. Maybe we are just following the standard scripts of what male-female sex looks like and we're focusing on intercourse, which by the way, 91% of women say that intercourse is not the most pleasurable activity for them. And only 10 to 15% of women can actually orgasm from intercourse alone. So that's the relational dynamic. So it's really comprehensive going into these three different categories of the main challenges that come up. But let's go back to the technical aspect because that's something that a lot of women can get started on right away. When I was

struggling with my orgasm, the advice that I saw was like, just explore your body. And I was like, great, how do I do that? So I came up with a couple of different variables to really like break this down and make it more specific. The first thing that we need to focus on is discovering whether your clitoris likes direct or indirect contact. So women tend to be broken down into two camps. Some women like directly stimulating the surface of the clitoris, that little nub of skin that we can see. And for some women, if you touch the clitoris directly, it's like, whoa, that's way too much. It's really overwhelming and too sensitive. So you want to figure out what your clitoris likes best. So I always recommend using a little bit of lube,

spending some time warming yourself up, like touching all over your body. Because if you go straight for your clitoris, it's probably going to feel too sensitive. Just the same way most of us get really annoyed when our male partners like go right for the clitoris. But so we have to treat ourselves the same way, ease into it a little bit. But what you can do is start off like using one finger to trace around your clitoris. Don't touch it at first, like go around it and see how much sensation you feel. And then slowly narrow that circle in until you're starting to touch the clitoris directly. And you can kind of play around, go back wider again, go back narrower again and get a sense for your unique clitoris. Do you like it being touched directly or do you

like stimulating around the clitoris instead. So that's a great starting point. Wow. I didn't know this was a thing, but this is why when I suggest the Womanizer to some of my girlfriends and I'm like, it's the best thing ever. Some of them are like, you're insane. I like really wanted to die. I felt like I was being tortured. Yeah, it's going to be too intense. Some women actually need to keep like underwear on or even pants on and like stimulate their clitoris on top of fabric because having that direct contact is just way too intense. Interesting. I want to go back to something you said at the beginning. Okay. So you were able to orgasm on your own. And then when you were with a partner,

you were having difficulty. What is that? Because I, I'm, it's not that I'm having difficulty, but it's so interesting. Like I could lay down and masturbate in like three minutes. I'm like in, out, I'm in the shower. The day has started. But like when my husband's around me, it's all of a sudden like, oh my God, I got to concentrate. So like, it's so different, but it's the same, it's the same vibrator. Like what is happening? Okay. Usually what this comes down to is the specific technique that we're using to masturbate. So there's a very simplistic saying that is neurons that fire together, wire together. So if we masturbate in the same way every single time, we're basically carving little neural pathways in our brain that says, ah, this is the pathway

that I go down for pleasure. Now, I want to be really clear, like there is nothing wrong with any specific masturbation technique that anybody uses. However you bring your body pleasure is amazing and great and wonderful. And we just have to be thoughtful about how we show up with ourselves because the majority of us, we figure out what it takes to get us to orgasm and we really refine it and get super good at it. And we do exactly that thing every single time. But again, we are training our bodies to respond to that specific exact kind of stimulation. Then the problem is when you get around your partner, all of a sudden it's not the exact same thing that you do every single time. And a lot of us, like when we masturbate,

we also kind of mentally check out. Like I can be a pretty lazy masturbator sometimes. It's just like, I just, I know what I'm doing. I'm just, you know, going for the goal. Right. But then a partner is there and it's like, oh, now there's another person here. And, you know, I have to just kind of make mental space for you. And it's, I can't just check out and, you know, be in my own little world. So that's why it feels so much harder when a partner is there. So the solution for that is that we have to spice it up on our own too. We have to vary the ways that we masturbate, try not going for gold every single time, maybe stretch it out to like five minutes instead of three minutes. Maybe sometimes go acoustic instead of with the, with the vibrator.

That's amazing. The more ways that we can orgasm on our own, the easier it's going to be to be able to get there with a partner. Interesting. That's so interesting. But unfortunately, this is just more things to add to my red light mask and my moisturizing gloves, you know, like, god damn it just switch up the maceration technique a little bit mornings without coffee road trips without snacks movies without popcorn without our favorite foods we'd miss out on all our favorite moments learn more at canada'sfoodsystem.ca the lady gang okay so then what if you're like in like what are some of the blocks because

I feel like there's got to be like a societal block here because when it's like when you're young and you grow up and you start having sex it's like everyone's faking it everyone's like acting like they're in a porno and then like at some point you break you're like I don't want to be that girl anymore um but then it's like for me when I organize I get very still like I can't be bouncing around I actually have to like calm the down you know what I mean yeah and so that can be like then I just think of like all those like people making fun of like the dead fish and I'm like I don't want to be like a dead fish but I also like I need to not be bopping around so much like I need to just like be you know yeah can you break down some of those things to not be

embarrassed about? Definitely. Yeah. So many of us get into the performative aspect of sex. I mean, the very first time I had sex, I was 16 years old and I somehow knew just to fake it. I don't, you know, nobody had ever directly told me that, but somehow it had wound its way into my tender little 16 year old psyche that that's just what we do is put on this performance with sex. And for so much of my young adult sex life, all I was doing was performing. And that was a huge part of why it was so hard for me to experience a real orgasm and real pleasure with a partner because I was spending all my time and attention just faking the experience. So I mean, that's a huge thing that comes up. We need to learn how to be more in tune with our actual experience,

to have sex for ourselves, not to do a performance for our partner. But what you're talking about is actually really common. I have something similar where I get quiet before an orgasm. Like I really go internal. I have to focus on the experience. A lot of women report that. Like I have to like really tune into myself. And I remember early in my sex life with Xander, he would hear me going from like making noise and enjoying myself to all of a sudden being really quiet. And he would think he was doing something wrong. So he'd switch things up. And then I'm like, no, now we're like back at square one. So I had to tell him, hey, actually, when I go quiet, it's a good thing. And he's like, OK, I need some way of knowing that it's a good thing because otherwise I'm

feeling like I'm doing a bad job. So we came up with a little signal where I would just squeeze his arm. So it didn't take much effort for me. It didn't pull me out of the moment. I could still go internal and focus on myself. But I was also giving him the signal, like, just keep going. You're doing the right thing. So I think something small like that can be really helpful. And then what about like rewinding to just the fact of being so just as women in the world today and just everything, it's like, I'm so distracted, period. And there's so much to do. There's so many things on the to-do list. There's so many like things I feel like I have to finish. Like for me, it's very hard to get into the moment to begin because I'm like, I'm trying to figure out

like what my day is going to look like. And it's just, I feel so crazed as like a normal person to be like, okay, let's switch it off and now go in this mode. Yeah. You are not going to be able to make the transition from busy, go, go, go, to-do list, day mode, especially like mom mode to straight into sexy partner mode. Like it does not happen. You can't go from A to B. So I always talk about the importance of a transition ritual. You have to be able to come back home to yourself, to your own body first, before you can be open to connecting with your partner. So I am always trying to be really practical about stuff. Like, you know, there's not a ton of extra time in the day to like take an hour long bubble bath. Right. But if you can

even just have like for moms, I'll often tell them if you can go into your closet and close the door and don't look at your phone and just close your eyes and have like 60 seconds of silence, that can be a nice little transition ritual. It could also be something small, like taking a walk around the blog, putting on your favorite song and having like a one song dance party. Or a really good one is reading. And especially if you like reading any like romantically or reading is great because your brain is engaged in the reading. It's not like you're not shutting your brain off or like going into a meditative Zen state. Your brain is engaged, but it's in a very relaxing way. And if you're reading smut, you're also getting some actual stimulation going

too. So reading is one of the best transition rituals that you can do. So carving out, again, if all you can do is a minute, but maybe if you have five minutes, having that specific time can be really helpful. Okay. My last question is, I don't want to just be a taker. How can we make are men's orgasms better or is that possible? Are they just like pass? I'm like, do we need to? It's so easy for them. Like what? What are you talking about? Well, let's just be nice. Is there should we is this a good question or no? It is. I'm just giving you a hard time. Yeah. So I think that men will often say that they have much more intense orgasms from blowjobs or handjobs. There is something really nice about just being able to focus on your pleasure on just receiving in the

moment. And actually, this can be really nice to do for a lot of women, because if we give to our partners, it can often feel easier to allow ourselves to receive. It's like, yeah, I just did something for you. Now it's my turn. So this can be a really nice way for women to ease into getting more comfortable receiving themselves. We have great, we have our ultimate foreplay guides that just like the finishing school are really step-by-step, super clear, really specific instructions. So those are really fun to explore together. Like you read the section for your partner, he reads the section for you, and you guys try to really spoil each other and give each other the best ever orgasm. But is there a level of orgasm for a man or is it all just one?

There is a smaller range for men than there is for women. orgasms, like there's a vibe, right? In the orgasm, there's a huge range. Also, we have way more nerve endings. So the entire penis has 2,000 to 3,000 nerve endings, whereas the clitoris has 8,000 to 10,000 nerve endings. So we are actually way more sensitive than they are. And the range of our orgasms can be much bigger than theirs. Hmm. Sucks to be them. I know, right? At least there's one thing. I know we've talked so much about the frustrations that we women have around sex, but we got one thing. We can have more pleasure than they can. I love that. If there's one thing that you want like every woman on the planet to know about her orgasm, what is that?

That it is not going to come from intercourse. So, you know, I've just talked about the difference in nerve endings between the clitoris and the penis. If I can geek out on you like a little science geek for a minute, most people don't know that the clitoris and the penis are basically biological equivalent. So when we're all little fetuses in the womb, we start off like having no genitals and then around eight to 11 weeks, the tissues start differentiating into our genitals. So I like to compare it to a ball of clay. I could take a ball of clay and I could shape it into a mug or I could shape it into a plate. So it's the same ball of clay. I just made different shapes with it. That's the penis and the clitoris. So both the penis and the clitoris are the most

sensitive part of their respective genders. They're the thing that needs stimulation in order for us to reach orgasm. The problem is that in male-female couples, we grow up thinking that intercourse is the be-all end-all. That is like the home run. It's the, you know, going all the way. That's the main event. But when we are having intercourse, we as women are getting stimulation of our vaginas. And our vaginas don't have very many nerve endings. Like think about how painful childbirth already is. If we had a ton of nerve endings there, that would not be great. Every couple of years, I try to go looking for a scientific tally of how many nerve endings the vagina has, and I still haven't been able to find a proper one. So the comparison that I always like

to make is that from a nerve ending standpoint, intercourse for a woman is like playing with a man's balls. Like that could be fun. That could be pleasurable. That could be connecting. But for the vast majority of men, that is not going to lead to an orgasm. It's not anywhere near enough stimulation. So a lot of us women feel like something is so wrong with us, so broken from not having orgasms from intercourse alone. But that's just literally not how our bodies are wired, we need to have stimulation of the clitoris. Oh, wow. You are incredible. If you guys are interested in her work and learning more about this, check out vmtherapy.com. Her Instagram is Vanessa and Xander, which is her wonderful hot husband. There's all kinds of courses and the

podcast Pillow Talks is also awesome. And maybe it's one of those things where I think what I'm going to do is I'm just going to throw on an episode of Pillow Talks the next time Chris and are taking a drive and we'll like listen to it. And then like that can get us like zhuzhy. I'm very excited about it and appreciate your expertise. And Lady Gang, let us know if we need more sex ed because we're here for you. We used to do this all the time and we stopped having sex with our husbands and we stopped talking about sex on Lady Gang. And now we're back. We're going to be doing both. You know, you started it. Yeah. You started the last episode saying that talking about your talking about sex with your husband sounds like the least sexy thing ever. But I want

to convince all the Lady Gang community that it can actually be the sexiest thing ever to talk openly about it. I truly believe that it can feel so intimate and connecting if we do it the right way. And that's what I'm here to help couples do. Amazing. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. This was amazing. This was so great. Thanks for having me, you guys. We weren't here for a long time. We're here for a sexy time. Lady Gang is hosted and produced by Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin and Jack Vanek with social media support from Kali Carrera, audio and video editing from Jared Monaco, and additional support from Steve Delameter and Podcast One. You've put off that upgrade long enough. During the Hyundai Upgrade Your Ride sales event,

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