LadyGang - LG Quickie: Kelsey Chittick

Episode Date: September 9, 2021

Author of Second Half, Kelsey Chittick sits down with Becca to share her inspiring journey through heartbreak and loss. As the two open up about grief, Kelsey walks us through how she was able to turn her husbands death into an affirmation of life. Check out our amazing sponsors! Nutrafol: Grow thicker, healthier hair by going to Nutrafol.com and use code LADY to save $15 OFF your first month’s subscription! ThirdLove: Go to ThirdLove.com/ladygang to find your perfect-fitting bra and get 20% off your first purchase! Chinet: Visit mychinet.com to find out more! Scream For Ice Cream: Visit screamforicecreamagain.com to learn how to sweeten your sex life!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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It's time for a quickie. Podcast One presents The Lady Gang, The Hollywood Girl Posse with Lady Gang Quickie. Here's Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jack Vanek. Let's make this quick. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to The Lady Gang Quickie. We have a very special episode. It's just me, your favorite member of the Lady Gang, Becca Tobin. I'm here with a very, very dear friend of mine who recently wrote a book that I think is going to change lives, the world, how we view it, how we live it, how we deal with grief and loss.

And the name of the book is Second Half, Surviving Loss and Finding Magic in the Missing. And my dear friend is Kelsey Chittick. Let me just give you... This is the intro. I was like, I need her bio. I need a little bit of what this is. But I went to your website and I feel like this does really a lot of justice to the book that you wrote. It's not all encompassing you. but just to kick it off. So Kelsey was in a great place. Her husband, the love of her life since college at the university of North Carolina had finished a grueling six years in the NFL and had successfully transitioned into a new fulfilling career in finance. They lived in a charming town in California with their children, Jack and Addison, and everyone was flourishing.

Then one day tragedy struck on 11, 11, 17, her husband, Nate, a huge, happy, intense, and passionate man dropped dead at 42 in front of their kids. Kelsey's biggest fear had come true and she had to decide how to move forward. In second half, Kelsey pays a heartfelt and hilarious tribute to Nate Hobgood Chiddick's tremendous spirit. What a name. Muses about marital life and co-parenting and shares her own dark and inspiring journey through heartbreak and loss. Second half is Kelsey's story of turning his death into an affirmation of life, as well is the power of love and the pursuit of peace and gratitude. So it is the most beautifully structured book. It's the most beautifully written book. It's hilarious. It's heartfelt,

but like, why did you write the book? Why was it time? Gosh. Um, I was always a writer, but not a book writer. And I always wrote comedy and I always was a speaker. Um, but I never really, I didn't love it. And at some point, maybe two or three days after he died, there was so much pain inside of me that I just started journaling like a million people do when they go through a tough time. Um, and I started journaling and little by little I wrote. And then eventually about a year and a half later, um, I realized I had a lot of stuff that I needed to, to sift through to understand because things were changing so quickly in terms of just how I felt and where I was in the process. And so I just started to write and I just committed to writing two or

three hours a day. And over the past three years, the book just came together and that's where we are. You're four years from Nate's death, right? Yep. It'll be four years in November. Yep. I think the first question would be, and I think this is everybody's question when they first hear that is he's young. How? So my husband played football and he was a really big guy, 6'5", 280, very healthy, or so I thought. But what happens with a lot of these football players over time is that they stress their heart so much. And so the heart is a muscle, but you don't want a heart to be big. You want a heart to be flexible. And a lot of these guys that move around big, big bodies, their heart gets stronger and stronger. And so Nate actually

died of a massive heart attack. It's called cardiomyopathy of the left ventricle. So essentially his heart got so big and it was used so much that the left ventricle just no longer pumped anymore. So imagine a water balloon that's just no longer, it's just flat. So it had no elasticity anymore. So he was with my kids, um, and jumping on a trampoline and he jumped twice. And then he told the kids, I need to lay down. And then he just looked at them and, um, he fell and that was it. You were in Jamaica and this is in the book, a chap, the entire chapter of how she's in Jamaica on a trip, gets the call and you race to the airport in a bathing suit and you fly home from Jamaica on the last flight with a layover, last seat. And the way you talk about

that flight and everyone around you looking at you like thinking maybe she's up on drugs. Maybe she took too much Xanax cause she's a nervous flyer. This woman's in her beach cover up her bathing suit. She's crying, shaking, whatever, throwing up. Right. And then this beautiful moment, I do not want to spoil it, but like there's a magical, magical moment with a magical human being on that plane. And I just, it's so beautiful.

Like you couldn't even write this if, if you tried, like it's just so amazing. And all I can say is you, there are angels and I think you say this, there are angels out there. And in those moments of what the is going to happen, it's all falling apart. Like they come in and they do the exact right thing or say the right thing or squeeze your shoulder. Um, it's really beautiful. Thank you. So at this point, it's like you're, you've done so much healing and you, but it's a process, but it feels like you're in such a beautiful place. And when you're reading this book, it's like, you're not in the depths of it

with somebody who's just experienced it. Because I don't actually think, and you probably know this, after something like that happens, you're not clear. You're not even aware of your own feelings. And so I think you're in this really beautiful sweet spot of like, it's still fresh and it's still,

you feel the pain, but there is so much hope in this story. And like, just reading about you putting your life together and like the things that you say in this book about how you just decided to like one day be okay. And let me tell you why I think I'm okay though today. If you've ever been in grief, like the first year is just numb. Like you don't even, you're upside down. You're just, you're, it's so physically painful that you can't see straight.

You're two and three kick your ass in a way you never expected because no one, it's not that people are like, oh, everyone doesn't show up anymore. People always show up. People always know you've had loss. It's just that the reality begins to sink in when the numbness wears off. For me writing this book, and I can say in the past month, I feel like a different person. The story of my husband is down, the story of my family, the story of my pain. So I don't have to carry it anymore because the book's carrying it now. So if you want to know why you write a book, it's because if you have memories or an experience in your life that you want to be maybe not carrying as a backpack your whole life, that's how it feels for me

today. Oh my God, the book is here. People will never forget who he was. My children will always know the story. Now I can move on. I couldn't move on until the book was done because I needed to make sure we honored that life. But I feel free for the first time in God. Well, maybe like six years because for two years I knew it was coming. So anyway, that's kind of why I encourage people to write because then you don't have to hold it. We're always just trying to get stuff out and share it with people or share it on paper so you're not doing it alone. Yeah. And that's true for anything. It's like releasing it in some way. And this is like your major release of it. And actually I was going to ask you about how in the book, you talk a lot

about experiencing a ton of anxiety for those couple of years before Nate died. I reading it, I was like, she knew her, her consciousness. There's something in her soul that knew, and you still firmly believe that, right? Like it was just unexplainable. I think that women underestimate intuition, probably. That's the biggest mistake I think we make in our lives. And I don't think anyone tells us to do that. I think it's just that there is a deep knowing that we all have, but a lot of times we don't like what we're hearing because it's scary or painful. But I would just say that I knew something was off. I didn't know what, but I knew I needed to start to get help. So two years before you died, I started reading

untethered soul and when things fall apart. And I do think our souls prepare us for what's coming. We don't know what it is. So paying attention to that, that's the guide for me always. I always get quiet. Like even before I do a podcast, I used to get like all worked up and I was addicted to being like fast. And now I'm addicted to being really slow. So like when I need to like get quiet to have energy, whereas I used to think I needed to get up to have energy. So I think intuition is important. And I also think on the other side, you'll know when something good's coming, you'll be like, oh shit, this is going to work. And you can trust that too. And both of them are good. The hard ones and the good ones. There's just one that's more enjoyable. This is

more enjoyable than the death. Yeah. A little, just a little bit. Um, I actually, I know there are a lot of people who have probably not a lot, but a number of people who have been in the position where I also felt like after Matt had passed away, there were all these like slides going through my mind of times that I may have been able to pick up on something being off. And I remember the day that he passed away, I was shopping with a girlfriend of mine for a trip. We were about to go on like a romantic European trip. And I was in a department store, like feeling this insane feeling. It was almost as if I left every curling iron on in my house, the dog, the door wide open for the dog, like that feeling of total anxiety, like nothing could

explain it. And I think I knew something was coming. Like it was my body's way of saying it's coming, but how do you, cause I struggled a lot with what if I had picked up on it? Like I had regrets about not checking it out or saying, you know what? You you're, you look a little off. when's your last physical, you know, like check your heart. Yeah. Um, also just so the listeners know your Matt was born on 11, 11 and Nate died on 11, 11. And I'm a big believer in science, but I just think what are the chances? Obviously I don't, you know, looking back, I'm more sad about how mean I was to him. You know how you are to your husbands. I'm like, just like, God, the poor man was riddled with lesions on his brain, you know? And I didn't know. And so I was

like, what is wrong with you? And he used to say, like, you don't know what it's like to be in my head. And I was like, I thank God, you know, because Lord have mercy, this isn't working. And now, and just to give, he died from a heart attack, a lot of it from football, but he did have CTE. And I think for me, I was more devastated that he was so sick and I didn't know. And that I wasn't able to help him because I think he knew something was wrong, but he didn't know what. I think it's interesting what you say that you felt in that store. I've heard people mention that a soul begins to leave weeks and months before they go. And so I think somewhere along the line, what we're picking up on that anxiety is that the

soul is preparing to go. I mean, that's a woo-woo spiritual thing, but I do believe there's a transition time. I would assume, I don't know, nobody knows, but that's what I choose to believe. And so I think that's what you're when you love someone that might be what you're picking up on Like something's happening here what it is ain't exactly clear that's so true, I remember my dad saying to me that a lot of people who Have heart attacks have a period of time before Their loved ones remember them being a little depressed. That's nate Yep, and like a little bit of darkness and a little bit of sadness. That's so true. Yeah, and matt the same thing like I I

I remember one night just like making him a bowl of soup as if he was sick. He didn't have any physical, but I was like, I feel like I need to take care of him. Like he's weak, but not physically it's off. And it was like, God, that's so, it's so crazy. Yeah. I think that, I think we're just beginning to pay attention to these things that we were so like black and white, but there's so many nuances to souls and people and how it all works. And, um, I just think we're more connected than we think. So what was the most shocking? Like, I think that every woman has had that moment in their lives. I know that I did before Matt, where I was like seeing other, it happened to other people and putting myself in the position to be like, Oh, I could, I could never do that.

Or I couldn't get off my bathroom floor. If I, if that happened to me or like, what was the thing when you're in it that you were like, Oh, I definitely did not anticipate this aspect of it. I mean, I still feel that way some days. I mean, honestly, I I've never experienced surreal until Nate died where I was like, this is an altar world. Like I've never, I mean, you've watched it on shows. You're an actress. You've played like those moments. I've never done anything like that. And I've never, I've always looked at those people and been like, Oh my God, look at that mother. You know, like you'll see in a war torn country and they'll be like holding this hysterical woman. And you're like, what is that? And I was like, Oh, now I know you literally

lose your mind and you can't, you don't, you don't know where you are. And I think, I think, well, I think there's two, I'm in this state where I'm always, I'm talking about holding two opposing views at once. There was a real sense that at that moment that I couldn't handle it in a real sense that like, you've got this because you have to. And so it was, I would toggle between, I'll never make it. Come on, Kelsey. I'll never make it. Get up, Kelsey. I'll never make it. This is I'm not, I can't live. You're going to be fine all as well. Keep going. So, you know, I don't know. I just, I always saw people go through a lot. I had a really good childhood. I had a lot of love, a lot of resources. And I, I remember feeling bad for those people, but it feeling

like something I would just never have to even think about. I never saw this coming 100%. I remember hearing the term having a charmed life after Matt died. And I was like, what the what's that like? Like, I thought I had that. That was in the palm of my hand. So, so close to having what everybody wanted. And then boom, just like, no, I feel that way. I will say though, I mean, I feel much more here now than ever. I feel much more here on planet earth. I feel much more, I feel a lot more sadness, a lot more heartbreak, a lot more regret. And I feel a lot more joy, a lot more ecstasy. Just like, I'm so glad to be alive. Yeah. I'm so glad I'm still here. Yeah. That's incredible to hear. And I think it's really

important for someone like you to like exclaim that. And like, that's, that's an okay thing for a woman to say whose husband died four years ago. And there's no, I think there's so much judgment and I, I have seen so much of it among people just, you know, we watched a lot of, of grief this past couple of years, whether it's COVID or there's so much happening in the world. And there's so much judgment being placed on how people are handling their own grief. Um, and I remember one day feeling, having that moment of joy, like the first moment where I was like, Oh my God, the lens on my glasses is finally not black and white. Like I can see color and it's, I'm experiencing like a deeper joy than I've ever felt before this, but I was so afraid

to talk about it because you feel like if you admit that you're feeling joy, then it's completely disrespecting the person who's no longer there. Like, right. That's a lot of guilt that I carried for so long. And I love that you're so open about being okay. Finding that joy. Yeah. I think, well, two reasons for me, if you knew my husband, he would literally be furious for any day I wasted, not celebrating, having sex, dancing, living life, full throttle. Like the only way I can honor the man he was is by crushing life. Like whenever I get quiet and I'm like, what does he want me to do? He wants me to go big. He doesn't want me to sit at home. I mean, I've sat at home for four years. You know, I've, it hasn't been quick. I mean, you're catching me

now, but there were dark, dark, dark, dark years and holidays and all of that. But I think now I'm coming out of it. He, I can feel him being like, go now. And then I have family that is super supportive of my joy, including his parents. I mean, they are the biggest fans of me finding love again, enjoying life, talking about this story. Like I have a group of people that wants me to live, doesn't want me to live in the past. And they, so I think we need to do that more for people. We need to be a cheerleader for their joy and, you know, sit with them when they want to talk about their person, but then also encourage them. I mean, Toby's she's pushy though. She's pushy about it. She's like, remember he wasn't that great. I'm like, I think that's a lot. That

was too far. She's like, do you remember how much you hated him? Remember that one fight? He got really drunk. And I'm like, okay. She's like, just reminding you the books, martyring them. And it is good to remember that like, it wasn't perfect. And we don't know how that story would have gone. So all we know is the story we had. So I hold onto that on my best days. And then when I'm sad, I just, I cry a lot. I, my cries are like quicker now. They're like, it's still the ugliest cry. It's not like a tear. It's not like in a movie like that you do. It's like a nasty cry, but it's quick, like two seconds where it used to be like five or 10 minutes. Um, so I just, the toggling is quicker, but yeah, I feel so, I feel committed to Nate that if I'm going to do

anything right, it's, I'm going to be a happy mom to his kids and I'm going to be a person that enjoys life because he had to go so soon, you know, 42. So, um, actually bringing, talking about your kids. When I was reading this, this second time, I was like, I cannot believe how you, what you said to your children when you had to tell them that their dad had died and you had to go home and, and give this message. And I was like, this is what every woman God for a man or person should have in their back pocket. If they ever have to give this speech, because you said you wrapped it up to your children with like the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

And I just think that it could not have been easy. And I'm going to read what you said to your kids because I think it's really, really beautiful. You said, lastly, this is important. You are not victims. You have the greatest man for a father that I've ever known. He was the kindest, sweetest, most loving and patient human. And for your entire lives, he focused all that energy on you.

Some people don't get that for a day. don't ever forget you are the lucky ones. Do you understand me? Um, gotta pull myself together. Um, I just think that you're the strongest mother I know. God, making it up as I go. You're not. Um, I, this, this book is so incredibly beautiful. hello hello hello all you jet-setting ladies you sexual jet-setting ladies this week's lady secrets theme is travel if you didn't know we're writing another book and we're collecting all of our ladies essays about all their deepest darkest secrets and this week we're talking about travel have you had like a secret rendezvous at the south of france or have you told a lie on an

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massive Labor Day event. Hurry into your local Sleep Number store today because we have your number. The Lady Gang. So I just heard Sheryl Sandberg in an interview and she was talking about how her husband also suddenly died on the treadmill in Mexico. Not a good way to go. Sky Zone is so much better with orange sticky socks. That's where everybody wants to go. Way to go, Nate. Yeah. Jesus. A trampoline park. Yeah. Nate died at Sky Zone, those big trampoline parks. And I remember because when I got to the hospital and I was looking for him because he was in the morgue, a doctor was like, oh, excuse me, who are you looking for? And I was like, my husband, he had a heart attack, you know, and he's like, wait, was he the one with the orange

sticky socks? And I was like, Jesus Lord. And I thought it was like a wink to me. Like how ridiculous could that be? Like I could hear him be like, you can use that later. No problem. I was like, gotcha buddy. I mean, nobody dies. He, and he died during toddler time. I mean, just ridiculousness, you know, it was just, it was so bad that you only, you are forced to laugh about it. Cause there's no way you can talk about it. Seriously. So awful. I actually think that means that he has maybe the best sense of humor ever, ever. And he knows you so well and your sense of humor. And like after the dust settles, you can actually have that moment of being like, he chose to go in orange sticky socks. Yeah. That's, that's the last thing the doctor

remembers of you. He was like, was this guy jumping on the, oh my, anyway. Um, okay. So it all, it all happens. And, and, and Sheryl Sandberg was like, I was so sick of being the person that could silence a room. I was so sick of being this person. And I just wanted... I found out in those moments, the things that I messed up when I was watching other people go through grief. And I think that the amount of women that listen to this podcast and a few men, we get a lot of messages being like, thank you for opening up about grief. I am not experiencing it, but someone that I love is, and I feel helpless and I don't know what to do. And, and how do I not it up? So this is obviously not like a prescriptive. It's

everybody feels the same way. But like, for me, I remember I hated the feeling of people being afraid to talk about it with me. And it actually felt like you're kind of living in you're in this world, you're at a dinner and you know, we're a couple of months out and you're just trying to get out. It's the worst. It's just, I don't even talk about those first dinners. But you feel like you're in this like bubble and no one wants to pop it and bring up some, bring up what happened to you. So everybody's like pretending it's not there, but you're there and you're kind of shut off from the whole world. And those times that I was in those places with people that I loved and trusted for someone to just like grab my hand at the table and just be like, how are you doing?

like anything like that was such a lovely thing that people are scared to do. And she also talked about how, if you don't feel like you're entitled to being that, like, if it's somebody you're not super close with, people are like, well, I don't need to drop off coffee. I don't really know her that well. Our kids go to school together, but is it like weird if I do this? But she said she would get these text messages being like, what do you not like in a burger? Cause I'm about to drop one off to you. So I love those things. Like, were there things that stuck out to you that were so amazing that other people were doing. Oh my God. Just on a side note with this, showing up for people is the name of the game. That's it. That's what life's about. More love,

more love, more love. The amount of love and support I got was exceptional. I live in a small town. It's like living in Iowa. It's amazing, except for environmental issues, but that's another thing. People showed up and they never asked anything. And that would be my advice. I don't have any advice because I think everyone feels differently about everything. And I was really scared. I didn't want this book to turn into like a prescriptive on how to do this because it was my way and everyone has a different way. But I will say you're never wrong to show up. You're never wrong to leave something on a doorstep. I would highly recommend not ringing doorbells as much as possible. Nobody wants to see anything, but just never asking anything.

I would say when people are grieving, especially the first year, their brains aren't right. So they cannot make a decision because they just have fallen into the logistics of death and the paperwork of death. And for you to ask them what they want for dinner, it's absurd. And it becomes offensive because you're like, I can't think about it. What the greatest thing you can do is just do. And whether they like it or not doesn't matter because what happens is they just feel like they're, you're with them and you're holding the pain with them. So if you brought me dinner, I knew you were thinking about me. And all of a sudden you lighten my load a little bit. Cause someone else is praying for me or someone's

thinking about me at dinner. Um, I love when I love when people would just sit with my pain. Um, I have a group of girlfriends that early on learned that when I'd start to cry, there was no need to talk, but they would just wait. We'd be in the middle of a conversation. I would start to ball or dry heave or shake or scratch my legs. And we would just wait and they would just wait for me. And then it would pass. And then we would get back to talking about whatever it was, but they would honor it with silence, which I've never been able to do for anybody. So I'm going to practice that. I think being quiet really is supportive. And I think I learned that with my kids and I talk about it in the book, but you don't need a lot of words with grief because it's

not fixable. Nothing you say helps. So just hold my hand. Like you said, just hold my hand. I needed physical touch. I don't know if you felt this with Matt. I felt like I was in a like solitary confinement. I wanted someone to hold me. I needed people to touch me because I was so physically in pain. So having a girlfriend just like wrap her arms around you and just lay there, that's all you have to do. Wasn't there an acquaintance who dropped coffee off to your house like every day? every day for a year. Oh my God. She just committed until I said like, that's enough. I can't have one more oat latte. I can't. That is so sweet. Yeah. People are, and I'm not a good show rapper. I'm a good crisis show rapper, but I'm not like, um, I don't, I don't have the long

game. Some people around here have the long game. That's important. Yeah. You need to have a variety of people. Yeah. My friends that had the long game are the ones I'm like the most connected to like, I mean, that was not, and that is not an easy job. I mean, I, the, when you talked about in the, in the book about your friends, just everyone flying in. And that's also so surreal because everyone you love and everyone that loves Nate and that he loves, they're all together. And you're like, but he's not here. It's like the worst day, the worst best day. We say it was the worst, best day, completely, worst, best. I mean, I remember being like, I am so loved. Why the for you all here. Yeah. I was so mad that it was for that. I was so angry that this had happened.

I just wanted it to be normal. I remember just, and I don't know if you, I just wanted it to go back to the way it was. I just didn't want it to be me. I didn't want it to be him. I didn't want it to be my kid's dad. And I, that Memorial was the most beautiful day and the most awful day at the same time. It's terrible. And what you did and you like went to sleep, you put yourself to bed after. And there was like a party going on. Cause you know how it is like Memorial Day. Then your friends start getting drunk and now you're like, oh shit, I gotta go. Bye. I cannot. I remember falling asleep in my full outfit. Just, I couldn't take it anymore. I got on the bed, not under the covers, in my clothes. But I will say now knowing that experience, I will always

check in on the person left behind the days after that Memorial or that funeral. Those are the worst days because you realize everybody's been able to close the chapter of like, okay, this person died. We celebrated them. We closed the chapter and we all go on with our lives and we all go get to go home to our husbands and our kids and our friends and our family. But like, you're not, you're still stuck in this place and people forget to check in after that. Well, and I feel like for me, what, what the book has done is I've, the biggest response I get is, oh my God, I didn't know you were so sad. And it's really funny because I've lived for four years with this and even my family. And what I, what I've come to terms with is nobody was living

in my house. They saw me out, but nobody saw what it was like day by day and how awful climbing your way out of grief is when you're alone in your house and when you're alone with your kids or when you were alone with, without the person you thought you were going to be with. People don't know and they can't how awful it is when you are alone. And so having people check in on you is important because you are, it's just beginning after the memorial. It's just beginning. And I remember some therapist was like the second year is worse. And I was like, go to hell. Like my second year, I'm going to crush it. Cause I was, I was like, what are you talking about? I'm going to get this done in a month. Like I'm good. Like I'm be fine. I read a book. Like I've listened

to me. I'm, I'm, I'm in self-awareness. I know what I'm doing now. It kicked my ass left and right. I mean, it just trampled me, um, for years after. And I, and I say that because I think, And I was so pissed that she said that, but they're right because it's a process. It is a true process that you cannot skip. They will not let you pass go. You do not get to miss any of it. But if you do the work and you stay right in the hell, the other side is so bright because you made it. You made it. And now life is just better because you know that you're strong. And I never think I knew I was going to be able to do this. Yeah. You can't possibly. I heard someone talk about a, it was a neuroscientist or some, someone in the science-based field that was like, I don't

like someone way smarter than me saying something like, I don't believe that. I don't believe things happen for a reason. I believe things happen. And then we just deal. Yeah. I mean, I think, I think that's part of the co-creation. I think life happens and then we create meaning for it. we create the story. And I think when you talk about what I'd said to my kids, the only reason I did that was because I wanted to define the narrative at the front. I knew we were going into a bad storm, but I wanted to plant the first thought around it. We left that thought for many years and there was a lot of pain, but that was our guiding force. Like, wait a second, somewhere, someday, somehow we're going to get back to gratitude. I don't know when,

but we will. And then we're going to like, we're going to celebrate that. Um, but yeah, I mean, I just met some women this morning and one woman's like, I've never talked about what I saw and her father had committed suicide. And I'm like, we got to talk about it and you got to be in the misery because then you can, you can move on, but it's a, it's a something. I think it's also for, for me, I feel like I avoided the misery at the beginning. Like I was so shell-shocked. And I think that that is hearing you say that is the biggest lesson I took in, in grief was like, the only way out is through it. And the longer you pussyfoot around the perimeter and try to distract yourself and try to like not go in deep and not have those moments and like stay

very, very numb. That's the longer you're going to be not experiencing the other side of that, which is like the gratitude and the joy. And, um, but yeah, it's like, you have to go through and it's uncomfortable for people to watch. And that's why I'm not, you know, I'm not against wine and Xanax and all that, but I'm just saying you, your body will remember. So you either pay now or you pay later. Yep. Um, and it's, it's really uncomfortable, but we were built for this stuff. We are, we were built to survive. We were built to come through this, but you have to honor it. And that takes a lot of work and a lot of just, I just was so afraid that if I didn't do the work, it would come up again. And I'd be learning this lesson for the rest of my life.

And I was like, whatever this lesson is, hit me with it now, big boy, because I don't want this to define me for the next, in a bad way for the next 40 years. Yep. That is a really hard thought too. So I actually met Kelsey for the first time. Now we're going to seem so basic bitch LA. I know. Listen, desperate people do desperate things. Right. Totally. Oh my God. In this kitchen, if you could see us right now, this is where I met Becca. Oh my gosh. Yes. So we have a mutual, a lot of mutual friends actually. And we had both experienced these plant journeys, which I've talked about on this podcast before. So they've gotten a rundown of like a little bit of what it is. It's like, it's plant medicine, AKA we're

doing drugs. Yeah. I mean, let's go. I love the word plant. I'm like, what is it? It's just, I'm like also heroin comes from a plant, right? Everything does. We were not doing heroin. No. Um, but it's this amazing experience that I've talked about. It's several hours in a night and you are with two people that are facilitating the experience for you, taking care of you and very well versed on what you can do safely. But the whole thing is it really just strips away your ego and you're there with yourself, your soul. You are so bare naked and raw in the most euphoric, sometimes euphoric, sometimes not so much. But Kelsey and I had each done them separately. Kelsey did hers. Was it exactly a year after Nate died you did your first?

Like a little, right around there. Yep. And you were someone who was not into anything. Oh my God. Never did anything in high school. Never. I'd never done a drug. I mean, I smoked pot a couple of times, like two cigarettes in my life. But the reason I did it, the big reason was I couldn't remember from the time I got the phone call until like the memorial, there was a whole week that was blacked out. And it really made me nervous because I couldn't even remember where the plane, what the layover was. And I was like, well, shit, that's in there, but I can't access it. And part of that's just the beautiful way our brain works to protect us from really hard things. And I knew though, I needed to access that. And I knew I had to get

back to Nate. I knew I had to get back to Nate. And I was like, I don't know what you need me to do, which brew you need me to drink, but I have to go talk to that man because I wasn't ready for him to go. And we have business that we must finish. And I needed to access him. And I'd spoken to a lot of people that said, I mean, obviously I believe we can access people at any point, but what happens is our egos get in the way. Our conscious says like, no, that's not possible. So yes, I was desperate, but I mean, the real thing is that the biggest thing about plant journeys is it's more than anything. It's like, it'd be like if you were the opposite of going out to get drunk and not feel anything. It's actually, you're actually doing something

to go towards it, to go towards whatever the hard thing is, to go towards whatever you don't want to look at. You're not there to forget. You're there to remember. That's a big difference. You're not trying to get away from anything. Yeah. You're not running away. You're running into it. You're running into it. You're going to remember, not to forget. And the ability to turn off some of our logical brain and just sit with the magical and mysterious parts of life is, has been one of the greatest experiences of my life. And Becca then, sorry, now we'll fast forward. I did one a year and then Becca and I somehow ended up on my living room floor. I was just catatonic on that, that experience in particular, but not catatonic, but I was still

through things. You were just quiet. You were tired. I was so tired emotionally, spiritually, physically, but it was really just such a crazy thing. I had known a little bit about your story I'd heard you on your podcast and then on like Jamie and Jenna's podcast talking about your story. And I just, I was like, our, we're so different. Like she lost her husband and the father of her children. Like I have this like sad story, but it's not even, I'm not even going to bring it up. I was like, I don't even want to, it's not for me to do this. And it's not like a forced connection I want to make. But I think at some point in the night, you know, a friend of ours said, you know, Kelsey, this happened to Becca. And I just thought that'd be interesting

for you to know. And I just want to say like, I'm such a grief snob. Like when somebody tells me, oh, I'm so like, I remember after that happened, a lot of people would be like, I just lost my grandfather. I know. And I'm like, how old was he? Oh, that's my girlfriend, Michelle. She's always like, if they're over 70, like, I don't care. i'm like that's awful she's like it's just where i am i'm sorry you lost your granddaddy please don't post about it she's like it happens to everybody moving on i'm like that's awful that's what makes you a better person because i remember just being like i remember i had a friend of mine who like had to spread her grandfather's ashes and i'm like of course

it's heartbreaking but like i the drama is like really intense what i've realized this is my new my, no, I get it. Or a dog. No, I know you love dogs, but people really get after it about the dog. And I'm, I'm not a dog person. So I'm like yawn. I'm like, you are a dog person. I mean, I am, but not the way you are like you are. Yeah. But like people lose their dog. I'm like, well, what'd you expect? Like the dog only lived like nine years. Like you've known about this. You've known about it. You go to Wagamore or wherever everyone goes, get another one. You'll love it. Just the same. All dogs are lovable. I was like, I don't get it. I don't get it. So that's where you're a terrible person.

And then that's where I'm a terrible person where I didn't want to hear about anybody's anyone over 70 times, nobody over 70, but you, what my point is is this is that had the roles were been reversed and my experience had been yours and vice versa, I would have been like, Oh, that's adorable. And like pat you on the head and be like, you have no idea what it's like to go through this with children after a marriage, all this stuff. I firmly believe now loss is loss. Yeah.

I am at a place now where I realize it has nothing to do with who, what, when. It has to do with the relationship that person had. And if that person is broken from their death, then they're as broken as I was from mine. Mine is a little more logistically challenging. And then the hard part for me is it was the kid's dad. Yeah. But loss is loss. When someone loses their person or their dog or their grandparent, the person that they

can't imagine their life without, the feelings are the same. You're like, I can't live here. This isn't going to work. I think that's when you know you've lost your person, when you go, this won't work. When you lose a grandparent, you're like, they were great. I loved them. I'll miss her every day. When you lose your person, your whole identity is gone. You don't even know how to walk through the world without having them in juxtaposition to you. I'm sure it's the same with a child or, um, just any, you know, I have friends who have lost fathers who that was their person, even more so than their husband, um, or their mother was their best friend. So I'm trying to be a better person than you, but I'm, I mean, again, back to the dogs,

I wouldn't be, but, but I do think that we, we have no clue what people are going through, but it is annoying when people are like, she was 101. I'm like, adios, bye. Like, I want to be like, are we even talking about this? Why did she live so long anyway? You know, but well, this in itself is why everyone needs to read this book. I am equal parts giggling. Like when you talk about how you lacked any sympathy for Nate during his vasectomy, every woman in the world is going to read that chapter and be like, whether their husband's dead or alive, divorced, whatever, they're going to be like, God, I've been there. I've been there. They're the worst. They're such babies. I love that chapter. Cause that really lets you understand who he was. Yes. I didn't

make up any of that. He was just a special person in many ways. You captured him. Like, I feel like I knew him for 10 years. I never met him. I feel like I knew him. I feel like I knew both of you as college kids, young love, like it just takes you through this whole thing. And you guys, if you don't have to have experienced loss, you don't have to even know anybody who has, but I think there's a lot of mystery around loss and a lot of stuff that, like we said, people are just too afraid and too scared to ask questions. And this is such a great, great book for anybody who's just curious. And I also think that if somebody were to read this and then years down the road be faced with something like this, I wish I had had this. I wish so badly that I had read this

book before dealing with what I was dealing with because the entire time I'm like, wait, the five steps. Did I miss anger? I'm always angry. I've been angry before he died. Which one is this? I'm like, where am I? Am I graduating? Do I, I need someone to like sign my report card. Am I done? Can someone tell me when I'm done? When is it over? It's a train wreck over and it's, we'll be when we're dead. We'll be dead. We'll be 101 and people will be saying adios. Fine. No, totally. So where, where do you want people to buy this book? I know that, that some places are better

than others. Um, Amazon's best just second half, um, Kelsey Chittick, or you can go to the, if you want to just make it easy, you don't have to search for it to www.secondhalfbook.com. And I'm going to put us out with, um, or also what's your Instagram? Kelsey, D as in dog, Chittick, C-H-I-T-T-I-C-K at Instagram. And then there's a second half book, but I don't know. I might publish this. She's not working on it very well. I don't have a publicist, but I'm going to get her on it. Fire her before I've hired her. And I'm going to take you out with the first paragraph and a half of the book. I love this. Okay.

Because I am a professional audio book reader. I don't know. I know you, I know you, I know this. I know everything about you. Cause I love you so much. Okay. Are you guys ready? I had 12 grief books on my nightstand, seven lasagnas in my refrigerator, two sobbing kids and one dead husband. It was a cold, dark afternoon in November. I was in bed wearing mismatched target pajamas and staring at my ceiling fan as a fan went around and around. I tried to keep my eye on one paddle at some as some sort of weird mental game, but I kept getting distracted by all the dust on each blade. Someone should clean that, I thought, but I couldn't move. I had no energy and no hope. The only thing I could do was lay

there staring at the fan and thinking to myself, holy shit, we are so screwed. So it's a great swipe up to listen. And if you really want to, which we know you do, please follow us on social at Kelty, at Becca, at Jack Vanek, and at the Lady Gang. Sign up for our newsletter at theladygang.com and join our secret Facebook group. It's super fun. See you next Tuesday.