LadyGang - LG QUICKIE: Lady Secrets

Episode Date: June 17, 2021

It's time to cleanse your dirty little soul and share your secrets. Today we are announcing the start of our new project #ladysecrets, and we want to hear from you!! Call 1-844-SXY-LADY or visit theladysecrets.com to learn more.  Check out our amazing sponsors!!! Total Wireless: Do amazing with your phone plan at TotalWireless.com  Ritual: Get 10% off during your first 3 months at ritual.com/ladygang  Stamps: Use code LADYGANG to get a special offer that includes a 4-week trial PLUS free postage and a digital scale at Stamps.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to The Lady Gang. You're about to listen to our podcast, but there is so much more our community has to offer. Follow us at The Lady Gang, join our secret Facebook group, shop our clothing line, books, and find out when we're going to be in your city at theladygang.com. We're so excited you're here. Enjoy the show. It's time for a quickie. Podcast One presents The Lady Gang, the Hollywood girl posse with Lady Gang Quickie. Here's Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jack Vanek. Let's make this quick.

Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the Lady Gang Quickie. I am Becca here with Jack and Kelty. And we've got a secret. Sexy, sexy episode. Sexy. S-E-C-R-E-T. Meet me and be free. L-B-C. What is that? Is that a rap?

No, that's Long Beach. I was rapping. Oh. Trying to like find a rhyming word. Yeah, yeah. Oh, got it. And that was just off the cuff. Yeah. Off the C-U-F-F.

Yeah, if anybody wants to hire us for your next bat mitzvahs, let us know. We're available. Well, today is a very exciting episode because we have a massive announcement, and it has to do with you. You, listener. Where are you listening right now? Are you on a run? Are you cleaning your toilets?

Are you doing your laundry? Are you in your car? Are you hate listening to us right now? If so, either way, shouts out to you. Shouts out to you, haters. um no we're so excited and uh i'm gonna pass it to jack vanek we are officially writing our second lady gang book but becca is so pissed i actually have never been more devastated because i we just steamrolled you like we didn't even put you on the emails we were like we're

writing this book and we're talking to the publisher and we're like we'll let becca know like all at once and we've done it we've done all the prep without you anyways but isn't that how you like it no i don't i would like to just not do it but if you have to don't you want to just like let roll us let you know when it's basically done no because i still have to write things you guys are avoiding the facts the facts are i'm gonna have to write something and also it the shittiest part about this it's not like becca write about your favorite day of the week and what you know your favorite first date it's like tell us your deepest darkest this motherfucking secret. And if it's not dark enough, we're going to make you dig deeper and

do another one. So I hate you. Not sad enough. Rejected. So anyway. Okay. So the premise of our book, I know that a lot of you sent in your lady secrets for act like a lady. It was for a special Barnes and Noble edition of act like a lady. And we published them and you guys are all basically published authors at this point. So we are doing a lady secrets book and we want all of you, to send in your deepest, darkest, most shameful, bring me out the cringe, like clean that dirty soul of yours. Clean your soul. It's like a confessional, but then it will be, you know, anonymously produced massively for the world. Yeah, exactly. Everything is, everything's totally anonymous. You can go on the website, um, which is the lady secrets.com and you can,

you know get all the legal bullshit and stuff but you can submit your secret we don't even collect an email address so you can literally say like this secret's from jack vanek and we are gonna put her name on it but it could be written by you like there's it's completely anonymous no one's gonna go no it's you and then the book is gonna be a collection of all of these secrets well we have and ours and our secrets and our secrets are some not so secret secrets we are signing our names which i would really not like to yeah and then we're gonna have some of our celebrity friends right in you want to can i just i've just been sitting here stewing in my feelings and i thought of something what so every time kelty wants to play like the therapy game or

talk about your feelings or talk about this jack's like no it's too much i don't want to do this in public i don't want to talk about my anxiety me and then she's like but what i would love to do is in writing in a published book that lives forever no this is why because it's on my time and I can do it the way that I would like to do it in control, in control of it. I don't like being forced to talk about my vulnerabilities and my anxieties just on the spot, on the spot, not for me. She wants to write them while listening to dashboard confessional while like having a sad cocktail. Yes, absolutely. But they're not going to be all sad secrets. I'm cooking up some secrets that are just funny as me too. I mean, I can't, I honestly don't really

have a sad secret so far in my brain yet, but, um, do we want to go through? So what we were going to do is today is the big release of lady secrets, but what we're going to do for the next like 10 weeks, I think it is a little bit more is we're going to prompt all of you ladies, because we know that there are things that are, you've probably repressed. Yes. You probably forgot about it. Yes. And we want to jog those memories so you can come like confess your deepest darkest sins. Yeah. And if you have no idea what you're, we're talking about last year, we wrote a book called act like a lady. And for the special Barnes and Noble edition, like Jack said, we had all these lady secrets. We collected them and then we put them in the book. And now we, so that

was like the lady secrets. That's how it all, all began. And just to inspire you, we wanted to read a couple of the, our favorite lady secrets from the book and discuss them. Yes. Just to like get you in the mood of like, if you'd haven't read the Barnes and Noble edition, if you don't know what ended up with lady secrets, like just to take you to the level in which we are going to be expecting okay so i'll go number one and then i'm gonna pass the pad around that's what we're calling it now pass the ipad pass the pad number one i like the way it feels when hair gets stuck in my butthole crack in the shower and i pull it out i think that that is a universal feeling that everybody likes though it's a surprise every time well remember when i was talking about jared

asking him if that happens to him but he but it gets wrapped around his dick instead yes yeah Which probably doesn't feel good. No, definitely not. But does he get butt hair? Yeah. I mean, he has to. But see, I think devil's advocate here. Do you think the hair gets stuck in our butthole because our buttholes are pretty smooth?

I don't think that's the correct use of devil's advocate. That is my catchphrase. I think you need to, if you're going to squeeze it, you need to use it correctly. That was actually just like a general question. Just a question. If you have like a Brazilian wax or have laser hair removed your bum hole hair, do you think more or less hair gets stuck back there? I think it gets stuck more because it's like,

it's in there. I think with Jared, things are not getting stuck in the bottle, but like around the area in the butt crack, in the butt crack, sorry, my crack, but in the butt crack,

but Jared, if Jared has the butt, I think he does. I don't want to think too hard about it. Hairier than a woman. If it's hairy, doesn't the hair like protect the crack from getting, I mean,

I guess that's the point of body hair is to protect your body. We have eyelashes so shit doesn't go in our eyes. And since we remove our butt hair, I think we get more hair. Or we feel it because he wouldn't even know because he has all these other hairs flying around in his butt crack. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. Okay, devil's advocate. That was really good. Remember when someone wrote into the podcast and they're like, how would you describe Becca?

And they're like, devil's advocate. Yeah, it is true. And I hate that about you, but also love it. Okay, so this. Number two. Number two. So why do we only have three? Because we're just reading three.

Oh. We don't want to blow our load on the freaking podcast. And these already exist in the book. These already exist in the book. Yeah, yeah. It's a reminder. It's been a year since the book came out. People read it.

They forgot, and they've read many books since. Okay. Number two. Probably not. Probably was the only book they've read all year. Listen, if they're a reader of Act Like a Lady, I don't think they're a reader of much else. I know.

That's what's kind of great about it. I haven't read it. I've obviously never read the book. I haven't read another book since then. I haven't been reading any more books. I ain't reading books. Okay, I got caught by the police and ended up in the newspaper's blotter for accidentally burying my dead hamster on private property.

How? She probably found like a really beautiful like plot of land she loved. How do you accidentally bury? Well, a hamster. She didn't accidentally bury the hamster. She buried the hamster. I'm assuming she was like, maybe she lives in an apartment. If you have a hamster, you're not like, I don't live on an acreage.

You know what I mean? People who live on acreages have horses. A hamster feels like a city kind of pet. So if you're in Chicago, D.C., and you're living in the city, and your hamster dies, your choices are put hamster, put hammy in the garbage can, flush hammy down the toilet. You can't flush a hamster. You cannot flush a hamster. Well, depending on the size of the hamster.

You're not even supposed to flush a tampon down the toilet. You're going to put hammy in the garbage bin? Like, fuck no. So she probably went to Central Park and was like, I'm going to dig up a little grave for Hammy and had a little nice send-off like you would have in your childhood backyard underneath the tree when your cat died. Right. I guess you don't have any land.

You don't have a plant. You don't have a plot. You're not going to put it in your tomato plant that's on your terrace. And then she got in trouble because you're not allowed to bury things on public land. So she didn't accidentally bury the hamster. I believe in this story. She buried the hamster on purpose. And accidentally got caught.

got caught doing it on the land that you're not allowed to bury things on by the way i didn't know you're not allowed to bury things on public land great i just fell asleep with my eyes open can i have the ipad please pass the pad pass the pad there was a year in my life that i struggled financially i was a single mom and i was struggling to get groceries and pay my bills so i decided to become an escort in order to make some extra money my first call was a 30-minute job for $500. I show up to the address and knock on the door. A fucking 80 year old grandpa opens the door. I say, I'm looking for Mr. Smith. And he says, that's me in my head. I am like, what the is the $500 really, really worth it. I need this money. So grandpa proceeds to take me to his room

and tells me he only wants me to suck him off for 30 minutes. And let me tell you, saggy balls is an understatement. They were so wrinkly, so pruned up, like how your fingers get when you have been in the pool for five hours. His pubes were bright white. Oh, and his dick would not get up no matter what I did. Oh, my God. It was like sucking a balloon that doesn't want to inflate.

So, that night, I quit. I never went back to escorting. I was scared for my life and never told a single soul. That's the kind of secret I need. You know what I mean? That is the kind of secret I need. The fucking balloon that wouldn't inflate. I mean, your ability to really, like...

Create a visual. You created a visual. I could feel that in my mouth. Yes. I mean, I knew exactly how she felt. I also have... He said he only wants her to suck him off for a half an hour. That's probably the world's longest blowjob.

I know. I'm like half an hour. That sounds like five years. I've never had a penis in my mouth for anything close to half an hour. Here's the question. Would you rather him not be able to get hard or for him to be hard and give a blowjob for 30 minutes? Oh, great question.

Sucking on a balloon that won't inflate or shoving a log down your throat? I don't care. Even if you're getting paid, I can imagine that your ego gets involved. And, like, if you can't make them hard, like, you probably feel like a loser. No, there's absolutely no way. An 80-year-old man, I'm sure she did not in the least have an issue with it in her ego. Would you? I don't know.

Kelsey's competitive. She's always looking for outside validation, so you're probably right. So we decided that we wanted to make a hotline for Lady Secrets. So if you didn't feel like you could write in your secret, if you're more of a talker, We now have the phone number 1-844-SEXY-LADY. 1-844-SEXY-LADY. S-Y-LADY. And the story of how we came up with 1-844-SEXY-LADY is incredible.

So we're like sitting in the office and Chelsea's there and we're like, yeah, we need a phone number. Like, can we get 1-800-LADIES? And she's like, taken. And we're like, 1-800-LADY, like 1-800-69-69. Like we're like trying to think of all these stupid things. And then we're like, she goes, well, this one's available. And we're like, and she thinks we're going to hate it. And she goes, well, I could get like, what about one, eight something, something, sexy lady.

And we're like, there's no way that's available. There's no fucking way someone hasn't taken sexy lady. X, X, Y. S, X, Y. I mean, S, X, Y, lady. And we got it and we were like, yes, buy it. And we were like concerned. Do you know that thing when you start a website and you're like, I don't want anyone to take

keltyknight.com? Yeah. So you get in like a tizzy and you're like on GoDaddy or wherever you're getting that website and you're like, hopefully somebody who doesn't want 1-844-SEXYLADY right now. I was just going to say, I can't believe that there was any panic. You're concerned and we're like, get the credit card. Come on, hurry, get it. Did we get it?

Did we get it? Great. So we got it. 1-844-SEXYLADY. You can call. You're going to get a voice message and you're going to leave your voice message anonymously and we're going to transcribe it. Did you just do an orgasm?

Yeah. We're going to transcribe it. We should incorporate that into the jingle. That's what I was doing. It was workshop. So give us the workshop. It was just a lead from when you were singing. Yeah.

It was like a moment after. It's because I had to tap in and go inward and be like, what do I want to come, what comes out now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I'm into this. I like the workshopping you have going on there. honestly it's six years of lady gang becca won't sing and then we're like we're making a jingle

for one 844 sexy lady and she's like can i sing it i'm like really it's not like real thing all the live shows we've done all the performances we could have had the fame she's a character though she's like a sexy phone operator oh hello i gotta go poop is that me too we're gonna take a poop break we'll be right back doing good is good but doing amazing that's next level total wireless helps you stay connected and turn your experiences from good to amazing with the connectivity that total wireless offers through incredible devices and services amazing network strength and speed and savings most importantly so do amazing with total wireless because when you move to total wireless you can get an unlimited plan with incredible devices

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She hasn't pooped, I think, in like four days, five days. Oh, I thought it was like a week. Yeah, it's been really bad. So we're going to give her the grace and the time she needs during this difficult situation. To finish her bowel movement. And we're going to continue on.

Okay, so the awesome thing about 1-844-SEXY-LADY, you're going to be able to call that. And also, I do want to say, too, if you do not like talking and you want to write something in, there is still the space for you on the website. Yeah, so website or phone. and then here so we have we had we started with a list of 21 themes that we wanted to write about

and now we're down to like i don't know 11 or something and so we're going to give you some inspiration yeah now so the list is here so obviously sex i want to know like this woman sucking on the balloon like i want to know all of your stories the things you did the things you one night stands you had like everybody has like that experience that they like cringe thinking about sexually like we want so nasty you don't even want to tell like your closest friends because maybe you did something that you felt was like shameful or maybe you have like you were really into something that people might judge you for like you're like i wore an anal bead for like a week and it was super fun or like whatever that is okay yeah fun fetishy things whatever affairs

affairs affairs are something that you can't even sometimes tell your closest friends because if they've been cheated on or whatever like there's a lot of secrets here and i want to know all of them. I want to know all the affair stories, please. Yeah. I feel like affairs are going to be the juiciest thing that we get. Yeah. Well, or what? Oh, fraud and white collar crime. Have you stolen something? Have you spent the night in jail? Have you embezzled hundreds of thousands of dollars? Like we want to know all of the petty crimes or not so petty crimes. Please don't admit a murder to us though. Have you changed your last name? So the credit card company or phone company couldn't find you by the way, my dad did that. I'm just going to let everyone know. It's not a

secret. This is like in his twenties. And so when I was growing up, his phone, his name was like Kenneth Michael, but in the phone book, he was Michael Kenneth. He changed his name so they couldn't find him. That is a fun little loop around. Anyway, live your life. Heartbreak and unrequited love. Were you a fucking psycho? Did you get, did you break up with your boyfriend and then write a book about it? I mean, on that, on the Kelty Knight pathetic scale, I want all of those stories. Like keying cars, egging houses. I moved to London because the guy that I love there. And I bought, got the apartment next to him and pretended it was an accident. Like all of that. That seems very personal. Yes. Okay. Marriage and divorce. Like everybody's got a

up story about their marriage. Divorces are so messy. Like get the shit off your chest. Right. Like, were you walking down the aisle and you were like, I hate this guy. Do you, did you know that you were marrying for money? Um, did you like, were you secretly so stoked when you got divorced or, um, did you have a divorce? Like I want to know all of that. Okay. The next one is lying. And I think lying, I mean, it could be so many different things, but what I'm really interested in is like a little white lie that has snowballed into this massive lie that has been like life changing and you can never admit it to anybody. Exactly. So like if you, for instance, I think the Hilaria Baldwin is a good like example of this. Like she went to Spain,

she spoke spanish she loved the culture and then over time she kind of leaned into like that and then people were like oh you speak spanish and she's like yeah and they're like where are you from i'm from spain and then all of a sudden alec baldwin is on tv being like my wife is spanish and like no you're not so like the little white lie like you just love a taquito and then you end up like being spanish is perfect yes we love that okay the next is revenge and love like what is the craziest shit that you have done for revenge because i know we have some vengeful bitches out there yeah we see it in the facebook group all the time so like just get get this story out and sometimes you can't tell people about revenge you just have to silently like silent but deadly like

what becca's doing right now downstairs yeah nice sbd okay celebrities celebrities and i mean i of course when i think of celebrities i'm like i want to know like sexual hookup stories with celebrities yes celebrity dms like has a rod been dming you too like did you meet timberlake at a party you have some good celebrity stories that you're going to spill right i'm probably most of my essays are going to be in the celebrity stories. Like I'm going to talk about celebrities that I hate. I'm going to talk about ones that I love. I'm going to talk about ones that I'm currently in fights with that I've never admitted to anyone because I could lose my job, but bye. Bye. Okay. Next one is dating. Right. So like, remember in Act Like a Lady when,

when Jack shared her story of when she dated the guy that was like a costume character on Hollywood Boulevard. And we're like, how could someone be so stupid to believe that you were dating an actor when he was really a costume character? That's the level of patheticness. I'm just kidding, Jack. Oh, my God, no. It's funny. I've unlocked so many memories thinking about what I'm going to write for this book that I'm like, wow, I have done some really desperado things in my dating life. Yep.

Work life. Have you had an office affair? Like, some are going to be, you know, weird. Like, did you lie to get a job? Did you use the corporate jet when you weren't supposed to? Did you get an extra paycheck and never tell anyone? Like, all of those things. Did you have, like, co-worker wars?

Get Paige's burrito out of the fucking fridge at the office. I know. If every, I mean, our old school lady gangers will know the story about Paige's burrito. Like, we want more of those stories. Becca's dying. She's not even coming back on the mic. She's going to stand over there in case she's not okay. She lets one loose again.

I want to know all your frustrations about, like, the secret plastic surgeon you haven't told your significant other about. The, you know, for me, it's like, I'm going to tell a story about, never mind, I'm not going to get, I want to keep it a secret. Don't get into it. Well, I have something weird that happens with my body that I've never told anybody that I'm all right about. Like, I want to, like, I want to know about like bodily functions or like, do you have like, like, I don't know, weird anatomical shit. I'm going to spill one right now just to get people inspired.

When I was a little kid, I loved eating my own toenails. Sick. Just letting everyone know. Like, I was really fucking into it. You know, I don't think that that's that uncommon, which is the disgusting part of it. Okay. Travel. Have you had a sexual rendezvous in Paris?

My dream. Have you had sex on an airplane? Have you lied and said you were a celebrity to get a free hotel room? Have you been on your period and had the shark attack your vagina? Like, whatever. I want to know all of those stories. Mostly, like, sexual, like, travel twists. Like, you met, the pilot was like, hey, girl.

And you were like, hey. And then you all of a sudden were in the taxi line together. And you just got in his taxi and went to his hotel room and had sex with him. And he wore his hat the whole time. Like, I want that story. Yes, yes, yes. Okay. The next is parenting and birth story.

We have no examples of that because we're not parents and haven't given birth. But every time we have a celebrity on the show, they always have like a crazy ass story. So I would like that person who sees the baby and is like, not like, Oh my God, it was so perfect. Like if you saw your baby and you're like, it's really covered in slime right now. Like that's the story I want. Or like, it reminds me of, I think it was Becca's sister that was talking about giving birth right with the grapes came out and the grapes came out of her butthole.

Like we want to know about the hemorrhoids of it all. Yes. Okay. family and childhood everyone has a family everyone has a fucked up childhood drop it on us drop it on us you hate your family hate brother or just like the weird like weird shit that your family does you're secretly in love with your uncle yes all of it friendship we know so much about each other's lives having lady gang and there's so much in friendship but like have you been a good friend have you been a bad friend secrets you'll take to the grave things you've

done like Thelma and Louise it up I want all those stories so there's so many categories but we're going to prompt you every single week, different category, and it'll be on our social media and you can head, um, you can go to the lady gang.com, go in our Facebook group, go to our Instagram, all of our info. We're going to keep posting it everywhere. The lady secrets.com. Correct. Chelsea, we're checking the lady secrets.com and the phone number is 1-844-SEXY-LADY. We're so excited about this project. We're so excited to hear and cleanse your dirty little souls. And we're going to go check on Becca, but we weren't here for a long time. We're here for a Sexy time!

Thanks for listening. The Lady Gang is produced by Alex Ingber, Steve Delameter, and Jared Monaco. Make sure you subscribe, rate, and review our podcast. And if you love it, share it with your friends on social media. Like, oh my god, I just listened to Lady Gang. This episode's so great. Swipe up to listen.

And if you really want to, which we know you do, please follow us on social. At Kelty, at Becca, at Jack Vanek, and at The Lady Gang. Sign up for our newsletter at theladygang.com and join our secret Facebook group. It's super fun. See you next Tuesday. We'll be right back.