LadyGang - LG QUICKIE: LadyHang Live in DC!

Episode Date: August 8, 2019

The LadyGang is coming to you live from DC with Jac's weird DMs, Keltie's happiest moment, and Becca finally finding Jac's flaw. Special thanks to this episode's sponsors! MedMen - Get 10% off your purchase f $30 or more when you visit medmen.com and use promo code ladygang at checkout. MTV – The Real World Atlanta - Stream the show now exclusively on Facebook Watch. Away - For $20 off a suitcase, visit awaytravel.com/ladygang.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey guys, the following podcast is a Lady Gang Network and Podcast One production, which means it's gonna be awesome. Hello, hello, hello! Welcome to the Lady Gang, DC! Hey-o! DC are our OGs. Well, you guys were getting changed. Our DC Lady Gang's like all in the front. Hello, DC Lady Gang! Well, technically they're all DC Lady Gang, but if you're not in the Facebook group... group yeah get with it um so anyway we want to thank kettle one botanical for allowing us to

come out here and drink with you tonight after you stood in a hallway hot for a long time i hope you enjoyed your free drink yes so we're drinking the spritzes this is our summer jam and as kelty mentioned before i'm lazy as so i don't really enjoy making cocktails i like drinking them but i can't always be at an establishment with a bartender so what you do for a spritz is very simple bitches it's kettle and botanical and soda water and that's it and it's no carbs no added sugar and no artificial sweeteners it's really good and they're so delicious and you guys know that i am a spritz connoisseur i don't put my stamp of approval on just anything they're so delicious there's grapefruit and rose cucumber mint and orange blossom and peach they're all

delicious yes we love them all right so thank you thank you for that um and now it's time for i heard that champagne popping over there girlfriend did you just pop a bottle hey hey excuse me sir you didn't say good week bad week i mean what's your name he's already getting called out i know tom Tom, let's do it again for Tom. Ready? And now it's time for Good Week, Bad Week!

Thanks, Tom. Should we start? Yeah, Jack, do you want to start? Because you're so nervous. Yeah, okay. Well, I say this every time we have a show, but I have a nervous poop like 10 minutes before we start the show

because I'm all the nerves. I haven't drank as much. So, like, I need to... It's so weird that men don't come see this. I'm also wearing white. Oh, by the way, I'm also on my period. So, everybody be on period watch just in case something happens around here.

It wasn't a good choice for me to wear. Okay. Well, be honest about what day you're on, though. Well, I'm on my fifth day. She's on the brown day. She's on the brown day. But it's still there, and it can still stain. It might just look like shit.

Yeah, it's not going to leak out. It's going to conglomerate. That's the day that I take down my underwear and I'm like, butthole or vagina. You don't know. You don't know. You'll never know. Surprise!

It's the greatest mystery in life. Okay. Sorry, Tom. Already. We're only two minutes in. This is just the beginning. We're going to get exponentially more drunk, and it's going to get grosser. So we apologize.

Okay. My good week and bad week both revolve around Instagram. And my good week is... I always clear my throat. Okay. So my good week is, you know, we all get some random DMs every once in a while. Sometimes it's a dick pic. Sometimes it's a death threat.

Like, you don't ever really know. Oh my god, should we call our book Dick Pick or Death Threat? Dick Picks and Death Threats? Putting it on the list. A Lady Gang memoir. Okay, so I'm checking my DMs to see what's going on. And I get a DM from this guy. And I start scrolling up and I'm like, oh my god, this guy has been messaging me for months.

And I'm going to read you some of my favorites. The first one is just, it's a lyric. It says, pain without love. pain can't get enough pain and I like it rough because I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all it's a three days grace lyric apparently next one

he sends me the Taylor Swift you need to calm down video with OMG the beginning is your ass I don't know what that means then he sends a picture that I don't see that says Kelty caught us it's too late she might expose you on her insta story just a heads up

Kelty is literally going to come over and pour honey in your bed like that one scene from that one movie. Does anybody know what movie this is? Okay. What is it?

The Parent Trap. The Parent Trap. Then it gets a little bit crazier. I love that when he's going for the jugular, he goes right to Parent Trap. Then it goes... They get you like they did

in the Parent Trap. Then it goes, Jack, please come suck my cock. Jack, baby, I'm sorry, Jackie. I will love you until sunrise, but for now I must rest

you're definitely getting murdered and then my last message and my favorite is Jack I love you more than Kelty well that's rude

it's just like he has some kind of a vendetta against you do you feel so happy that one person on the planet loves you more

than they love me I do everybody loves Kelty so much okay my bad week and I have visuals for my bad week

honestly I'm so proud of Jack. Like, when we started Lady Gang, she didn't really understand producing a show. Both shows this weekend, you brought props. I love a prop. I just am like, I'm just You don't need to take them behind the curtain so much right now. I know, a fourth wall call to you. Okay.

I got tagged in an Instagram photo. What? No, I will hold them. And if you guys have been listening to Lady Gang for a while, you know that there's a lot of controversy surrounding our knees. I don't know why but people have opinions about our knees mostly kelty's people be crazy but they're mostly

kelty's knees mostly coming from like prison inmates that have nothing else to talk about okay so i get tagged in an instagram post it's like this it's like a repost of my outfit pic and i'm like oh maybe it's from one of the brands i was wearing i go to read the comment I love you Jack Vanek and your show The Lady Gang very much but your knee

I worry about your knee it resembles balls then zooms in a little bit zooms in a little bit more then it looks like a face

then a ball sack and then balls hanging out of pants so so this is a very nice Instagram post and I'm like you know what I want to print out a visual for the show so I go to print it off in my business center at my apartment only black and white printer I'm like no no I need a color for full effect then I try to print it at Kelty's office I forget then I'm like okay I'm gonna go to like a FedEx Kinko's so I go to their workstation to try to print it out their printer's broken and I'm telling the lady I'm like you know like I need help fixing the printer she's like oh just email me the pictures

I'll print them out for you and I'm like oh please don't actually look at them oh my god so she goes to print them out invites her employees to kind of look at what she's doing and then as she hands me the stack of papers it's the most disapproving look I have ever gotten in my life like I felt like I killed somebody. That's very good. Would you like to go? Sure. Yesterday I had a moment of joy. Is this a good

week or a bad week? It's a good week. So, as you know, I don't often let joy into my life. I'm always working and focusing on what's next. That brings you joy. It does bring me a kind of joy. But my manifestation

for this summer has been to laugh real real laughs oh my god and so she has to teach herself how to laugh yeah i do all the celties know what i'm talking about no they don't oh it's awkward anyway yesterday at the airport jacqueline and i both ate a dish pizza and then i instantly got diarrhea and we both had to go to bathroom at the same time and in the airport jack let me hold her hand while we walked far too long i was actually thinking about we walked through the airport holding hands and giggling and i just felt so happy and it was the funnest time i'd had in so long god and i just love our friendship Oh, that is so nice.

I'm so sad. It's so nice to really have a giggle like a schoolgirl. Becca, you didn't miss anything. I'm not jealous of the hand-holding. I always like to be chosen, though. Yeah. So that I can turn you down. Yeah.

I didn't even choose you. Okay. You know what I'm talking about. Anyway, I just... That was beautiful. Thank you. She also chose Jack as her upgrade companion. and so she got upgraded to first class yeah and she didn't even ask she didn't even take a beat

before the woman was like well i can only link you with one ticket she's like jacqueline van i feel like because i'm targeted we're not getting into it but this is a long anyway here's my bad week on the flight out i was of course in business class upgrade god and um i was sitting next to a guy that i thought was jeremy renner which is like crazy because you know jeremy dm'd me once and then i told him my idea for his show renovation because he loves to like he loves to flip houses did he ever respond to that wait what did he dm you he was dming me and i because i saw him and then i was like i'm flipping houses too no like my own house and we dm and he's like i'll come take a walk through if you want she's

told this story before and she told it in the same way where it was like jeremy renner slid into her dms but it was really her dm initiated yeah yeah i initiated but then i was like jeremy i have a great idea for a show on hgtv renovation so this guy was not jeremy he never wrote back anyway it wasn't jeremy renner but he was an aggressive male adult nail biter tom do you bite your nails tom do you do do you bite your toenails her wife that's where His wife is shaking her head that it doesn't. This guy was mowing the fuck down on his own fingernails. And, like, with the headphones on, watching a movie, and just, like...

And I was like, then you're going to put those fingers in someone's vagina later. It's gross. That's not the gross... Was he biting things off and spitting them places? No, he was, like, getting a little nail and then doing a little, like, choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo. And then a swallow? And a swallow. He's biting his own...

He's eating his own skin. It was fucking gross. that's all okay well i'm glad but renovation is a great idea that's all it honestly is not bad it's okay um okay i'm glad i'm glad you talked about your nervous poop yes because this is a great segue i found jack vanek's flaw yes i did i've been sharing a lot of hotel rooms with jack lately and you really never know someone until you share a hotel room with them. You know what I mean?

Well, she did something one time, and I was like, I'm not going to hold this against her. Oh my God, I know what it is. Okay, go. Well, I go into the bathroom a couple hours after she had her morning movement, and there's like a wad of toilet paper.

Like a child, like a four-year-old who's just been potty trained. And their mother's like, I'm done wiping your f***ing ass. you're doing it yourself and then they roll out half of the toilet paper they wipe their ass and then they leave it in the toilet no but this is the thing i flush it no i'm sorry there's no defense she hasn't finished the story no letter it's becca's time no i i actually thought that when you're in the bathroom because you flush the toilet like the first thing that when you went in

there yeah i flush but then somehow the toilet paper just comes back up and sits in the bowl Probably because you're using too much. Okay, well, guess what? I'm destroying the planet single-handedly. Okay, well, I thought it was a fluke. Well, today, about 100 yards from here, I went in to have my morning movement, and I walk in after Jack.

And what do I walk into? So much toilet paper. But here, no, but the thing is, I took a shit, and I flushed it. So that's not me not flushing I don't know what I'm doing wrong you guys I've been alive for 32 years The worst part is you can see

Where you've also used it A little bit of poop Let me see To my defense for this movement I did use a ton of toilet paper Because I am wearing white And I'm like I don't want any residue anywhere Sorry

I love it when they fight So that's our flaw That's my good week my bad week is this you're an asshole so we've been doing the live shows it's been so fun we love meeting all you guys

we love meeting all you guys and it's super fun and usually you guys come up to the VIP area and you're like oh my gosh I love you guys I've met some of my best friends through this like you get me through my Monday like the best things ever one girl yesterday walks up to me with like

the most serious look on her face It was heavy. It was heavy. It was what? I'm not saying the one that you're thinking of. Oh, I know. You didn't hear this. Oh.

Yeah, the bitch waited to do it in private. And she goes, hey, I have to admit, I hate you on the podcast, but after today, you're my favorite. And I was like, I don't know what to do right now. You know what? That's like an emotional manipulation. She gaslit me, guys.

She's gaslighting you. And now I think I'm in love with her. Don't any of you bitches do that to me today, okay? Don't do that. Also, if you hate me, please stop listening. We hate ourselves more than you could ever hate us, so it's fine. No one hates me more than me. I hate myself.

The Lady Gang. Okay. Okay, what's now? What's happening, Kelsey? It's time for Allegedly What's Happening Okay, first of all Oh girls, thank you Okay

I read a report this morning that Brad and Angelina are vacationing together I put Brad and Angie, that was wrong She has an Emmy for reporting the entertainment news She made the number one flub, alright

Okay, Brad and Jennifer Aniston are vacationing right now in Rome together at the villas of George Clooney and Amol. That means it's real. Raise your hand if you are here for this reunion. They're in. Who is not? That's all we've ever wanted. Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.

Lake Como is happening. Guys. America needs this. This is what's going to bring us together as a nation. He turned over a new leaf, guys. No, Brad Pitt seems like the biggest douchebag in the world. Is he not? I mean, I don't know.

He looks nice. Brad Pitt in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, though, he's back. His insides are f***ed up, but his outsides are great. When was he not back? He's always been hot. No, no, no, no, Jacqueline. No, he had a weird face thing happening. He had a bloated moment.

A facelift? I think his facelift is settled. I heard Jen had a facelift, too. Of course she did. That makes sense. Allegedly. Okay, what's up next? Next topic.

Oh, this one's for you, Jack. Uh-oh. Mike Fleiss, the creator of The Bachelor, is getting divorced. Also, fun fact, Mike Fleiss only ever wears flip-flops. That's more interesting. Ever. Ever. Men.

Tom. Public service announcement. Nope. To the men and the women with men, if your man gets dressed to go anywhere, I don't care if it's to go to the garbage cans to take the trash out. If he is in a jean with a flip-flop, you tell that man you will never f*** him again unless he puts on a proper pair of goddamn shoes. A bootcut jean with a flip-flop is the most disgusting. Or a skinny jean. Can you even imagine?

Skinny might be worse. There's nothing worse. the hair that sprouts off the toes you should only be in a flip flop if you're literally on the sand in the beach and that's it so Mike Flies

that's why he's getting divorced his wife is sick of looking at his god damn toes and I've been using the podcast as a secret message to Chris Knight this entire time to like get his toenail fungus under control like how many times have I talked

about nail fungus like 10 at least and i'm like it's disgusting i'll never have sex with you again with your toenail fungus and like why is he not listening to me indirectly call him out on the podcast does he have like an athlete's foot he has like a yellow toenail and it is that's not fungus that's just sometimes men get that because they don't ever get like it's i think it's fungus i want to throw up we've got it's revolting and he's so tall and his toes are so long no we have got no this is so gross people are eating

burgers right now we gotta move on sorry okay alright you guys we gotta go it's been fun is it time

oh Kelty's too drunk to say this so follow us on Instagram don't say Kelty's name at Kelty at Becca at Jack Vanek

at the Lady Gang um sign up for our newsletter this is so stupid this is so dumb you're not gonna remember this merch right now is free shipping and go get some merch i designed it also thank you guys for spending your day with

us thank you for spending your hard-earned money we love you so much we love you dc dc you are the and we will see you next tuesday thanks for listening and make sure to rate and review this podcast wherever you get your podcast we have new episodes of lady gang every tuesday and thursday follow us on social media at the Lady Gang. Follow us personally at Kelty, most importantly, at Becca, and at Jack Bannock. And we will see you next Tuesday.