LadyGang - LG QUICKIE: LadyHang Live in San Francisco!

Episode Date: September 12, 2019

The LadyGang is bringing you their live show from San Francisco with plenty of GWBWs and some very important, "Allegedly (Wassa Happening)." Shout out to today's sponsors! Stamps.com – Start your 4 week trial and receive a free digital scale plus free postage, click on the microphone at the top ofthe page and type in LADYGANG.  Third Love – Go to thirdlove.com/ladygang to get 15% off your first order.  Living Proof – To get a free travel size of their award winning dry shampoo with your order of $29 or more, go to sephora.com/living-dash and use promo code PROOFPODCAST.   See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Let's make this quick. Hello, hello, hello. welcome to the lady gang san francisco hello becca tobe and jack vanek and kelty knight for those of you who've been dragged here and don't know who the we are well i have a question are there any boyfriends that have been dragged here against their will husband you get a blow job you get a blow job you get a blow job yeah that that is not from us not from us no my hate blow jobs over here um the lady gang the rule is if you bring your significant other to the show then you have to give a blow job so

yeah and this is really creepy but jack's dad is right there on the front yeah with so mom what's happening tonight yeah you crossed the line yeah you made the rule always so weird oh no we're so excited to be in san francisco and we had i know you guys are so great and we had a little bit of a day off yesterday so becca flew all the way back to the east coast for a wedding jack wore a crop top around town and went to a park and day drank and and i went on a date with matt nathanson he is married and so are you i am also married and she's not wearing a ring so this is you know how the girls are so mean to me all the time yeah and you're like are you sure they love you well

anyway i want to tell my matt nathanson story off the top and then we'll get to the show so i had written matt nathanson and i was like yo matt nathanson um we're coming to san francisco like do you want to come to the show and like play a song or whatever then i found out here don't get excited he's not here no nobody secretly secretly these two lovely flowers of humans had reached out to matt to surprise me at the show he's not here now he's not he's still he still said no he's at a colonial themed birthday party for his daughter yes she chose the theme she's eight yeah it's incredible so anyway and then right before the show started we were facetiming with aj from the backstreet wait don't talk about this it's gonna be a good

week yes oh jesus christ okay she's just going on about different stories yeah we don't know what Matt Nathans is not here neither is AJ right it's just us it's just us it's us and Jack's parents yeah

but we have to say thank you to someone very important to us yes thank you to Kettle One Botanical for sponsoring this tour who has their drinks

does anybody have a kettle drink the varietals are peach and orange blossom cucumber mint and grapefruit and rose and they are all delicious and you know I am a spritz connoisseur

and the lady gang approval is on kettle one botanical all right uh and now it's time for wow i thought you guys were gonna be lame because it's a sunday but sunday is the day-to-day drink that's everybody is probably a little kind of it um who wants to kick it i'll kick it off since you almost started to spoil mine go i didn't realize we're so ill prepared you didn't have anything until literally five minutes It ties in with, Jesus.

Bitch. Is it too late to quit? No, Becca and I are fighting a lot today because. Okay. So I did like 15 flights between Phoenix and today, which was really only 24 hours. I took a lot of connecting flights, which are really the worst. So I was this whole weekend planning. Like, you know what is going to be so good?

I'm just going to get off that plane after 72 hours of just disgusting airplane. and I'm going to throw my hair up in a little top knot and put on a bold earring. You know what I mean? And I was like, that's going to be my look. And I took off a lot of stress and pressure from packing for the weekend. I didn't have to pack a curling iron.

I didn't have to pack dry shampoo. I was like, it's going to be so good. And I get off my eternal flight today. I walk into the dressing room and this bitch is literally wearing everything I was going to wear. and I had a nuclear meltdown. It really was the straw that broke the camel's back.

But that was my good week. Maybe I could just do a ponytail. I was really freaking out. I was bugging. But her hair looks great. That's my good week. My good week is that I ended up looking better than Kelty anyway.

Oh! Here's my bad week, okay? It was going to be that I ripped ass on the plane when my seatmate was in the bathroom and he came back prematurely and gave me a dirty look but it's not we facetimed AJ from the Backstreet Boys to get us hyped up for the show today because that's what we do I want it that way we did just hear the song playing we're like you know what we should do we should facetime AJ we call him he answers and we're

huddled up like this Kelty's on the floor like this and Jack and I are above her like this and he's like you guys listen to this he's like working on country music and he like wants just to listen to his new song it's like kind of a serious moment he's actually singing live so we you know it's awkward no matter who we're all just like kind of like going like and i was like this is so awkward do i clap i don't even know my face was stuck in an awkward smile and then suddenly i'm swallowing a fart like you guys it was a you know you can tell when the farts hot it was hot it was warm and you could we couldn't move away because he would have been offended couldn't say anything make a bad face he would have been offended i couldn't interrupt him

he would have been offended i could tell you what she had for the last three meals based on the positioning of my face to her butthole and and this fart really lingered it was I then went past Kelsey like 10 minutes later and it was still just like sitting around her like an aura like a nice stinky aura and then we were about to walk out

and Becca was like did you fart again and I was like no that's just my smell now see to your clothing enjoy your meet and greet later enjoy the meet and greet where you're really close to her later she just smells like sausages smells like fiber

and candy okay who's next i'll go okay so my good week is uh you know we've played seven well this is our sixth out of seven shows for lady gang live tour that we've done across the united states and the we make it sound like the tour across america we had to like six cities like three months apart you're like one a month um but the cities that we've chosen are very interesting to me because i have weird connections to different ones like dallas was where the guy that i lost my virginity to was from so i can hate dallas uh we went to phoenix on friday love phoenix because my boyfriend lives there but you know what san francisco i have a little bit of an

issue with this city we talked about this you can't do this if you what you can't trash the city we're in it's not because remember when i did that in houston and i was like houston i don't hate san fran you'll hear if you listen to my story if you guys have listened to my My podcast. Our podcast. Excuse me. I knew you were working your way in the middle. We would like you to be the new member.

You did try to replace us yesterday on Instagram. I did. Okay. If you guys have listened to our podcast, you might know of an ex-boyfriend of mine that we like to call Voldemort. He's here. he'll be singing a love song to jack with matt nathanson bring him out featuring aj mclean it's just like any man that we know of we're like can you all start a new group um so anyways voldemort is from the bay area i've spent a lot of time up in this city

and all of my different experiences i tie to this piece of shit so the only time that i've really been up here it was to see him and I haven't been here for the past two years so coming up here I was like god damn it really don't want to go to SF but I came here yesterday San Dolores Park with my parents it was so cute and then we come to the show that I think is our biggest show of the tour and you guys can roll so thank you thank you for changing my mind about this awesome city that I don't know why that I hated in the first place so thank you okay so my bad week is um we've been writing a book and for this book kelty and i have wrote this kind of joint chapter we have written we have written coming from the person that can't pronounce anything

we've written a joint chapter about our mutual ex-boyfriend and while i'm writing my little blurb about it i was doing some research online so i was kind of googling my name and his name to like see what would come up from 2009 and there was this fun interview that i found on google that he did after we broke up and this is what it said interviewer what do you think about the fans that have tracked down your past girlfriends and have begun began idolizing them and giving each their own cult following via the internet mutual ex-boyfriend says it's disgusting why would people idolize someone who doesn't do anything and saying you're a model slash photographer with the digital camera and Photoshop does not count as an artist.

So all I have to say is the three of us idiots have now made a career and a little bit of a mini empire off of talking about butt plugs, periods, and shitting our pants. So f*** you. Where are you now? Take us to church, Jack. Thank you. Okay.

Oh, God. No, no, it's good. I have it in my notes. hold on and you said we weren't prepared no i'm prepared but i i know i said that after this drink i want to just soda water but i want a real drink yeah i'm already ready for a refill i actually needed to say that because when i yell refill i want it to actually be a refill for anyone listening thank you all right alex so the person who would come bring that drink is probably alex alex they got it okay they got it no it's alex are you here alex because everyone keeps asking

me where elena is elena now works at podcast one we love her so much alex is the new senior director of lady gang and alex works out of my office at cbs where we film the show so alex and i sometimes i'll be working on my computer this is my bad week sometimes i'm working on my computer and i'm just like working away and then alex will come down and kneel beside me i don't make her do that she does it on her own and she'll be like looking at the computer being like yeah yeah maybe this maybe be this with this so like literally three days you fart in her face too no it's way worse i'm sitting there and i'm like okay and and she's like she's a kelty but like turbo like if you can imagine it you know it's a lot so like we're working i don't see her but anyway okay hiding

okay she's not she's obviously she doesn't enjoy the spotlight okay she's kelty if she didn't want attention yes anyway so she'll be like okay okay and i'm like yeah i just need a second i just need a second and she'd be like but the answers are here anyway so i'm sitting there answering and then all of a sudden like i just bled through everything i was wearing in like a big gush and it just went into the faux fur goat whatever rug i have on my fancy chair and there was just like a big maxi pad strip of period on my white fur chair can you not sit like this okay and my dad is right there zoomed in and i and i just went oh no and i stood up and i grabbed the goat or the sheepskin and i was like i gotta do something

and i went to the bathroom and she was like oh my god are you gonna tell that story and i said yeah i'm gonna save it for san francisco so now here's the other great thing i did wipe it out with some toilet paper and i put the sheepskin back on my chair so come on over girls and he's the white one the nice one no it was like it wasn't the ikea one you know that everyone gets for four dollars it was like the really anyway okay here's my good week and it has to do with jack because i love my friends so much i hate when either you're like i have a really good story about jack so we've been on tour we were recently in phoenix and in order to save money on this tour because this background is expensive as you can tell um we have been all sharing one

hotel room so it's been four girls one room which is fine and in the hotel room two girls one cup but like a little bit different so in the rooms we've been sharing beds so like you know becca gets to bed, and then Jack and I, so Jack and I shared a bed on, on Friday night in Phoenix, and I woke up earlier than she did, and you're so scared, but it's, it's only, it's about friendship, so we shared a bed, and you know when a hotel is, like, it's two queens, but it's, like, actually, like, two fulls, so I, we're in the full bed together, and I wake up in the morning, and I was, like, God, I slept so good i like i feel so rested and safe and then i like kind of was like doing that check of my body like where's my head where are my arms my legs and i and i and i realized that

i slept the whole night holding on to jack's knee you did what i woke up in the morning and i was like just holding your knee for comfort and then i was like oh god i just feel so safe and then i was like and so i just want to thank you for sleeping in such a short short i don't sleep with anything on the bottom yeah i know and we just like from sharing a mutual dick to like now we've never i never slept with that dick no he didn't she didn't see the dick dad it's okay um we've just become so close that now the internet wanted us to hate each other we share knees we do love you jack jack you're so great be over here you're just so great we could

get together for this we could get together and put our hair in top knots and wear big gold earrings together but back all right actually there is something funny about I love sharing a hotel room and finding out the weird things you guys do oh Jack oh my god we all know uses too much toilet paper

but she also does this thing at night to go to bed and she always talks about how she can't sleep she's like I can never sleep I'm an insomniac and I'm like it could be because this is an impression of how Jack sleeps okay here's the bed

and in front of her is the bedside table thank you she has an ipad propped up playing a tv show curb your enthusiasm and then she's always on her phone like this and then it's here on the on the computer and i'm like bitch the blue light is literally like sleeping on mars that's why you need so much ambient it's so many no larry david's voice really calms me down you know what doesn't calm me down when you fall asleep and it continues to play all night long and also i will say the worst thing about jack is her fingernails is this a jack last night i just want them to get something to know more about you so jack's like hey i'm gonna be late i was like i was in bed since six obviously like like reading i was like i've had too much human

contact this weekend I'm just gonna eat some cheese and read by myself on Friday and Saturday night on my day off in San Francisco and she's like okay well I'm out I'm gonna come home I'll be home around like 9 or 10 and she comes home at 10 and we're all like it's nighttime you know it's like we're relaxing and Jack's like no no it's awful it's no you're right you guys honestly this morning when we woke up i thought to myself how does jared do it that's what i thought i thought these nails alone it's a red flag for our relationship red flag have you seen her naked that's how he does it sorry dad the lady gang now it's time for allegedly what's happening san francisco yes number one justin bieber and hails beebs have a new cat named sushi

oh my god it's a bummer right does anybody care about cats or there are people who love cats there are yes oh she's okay the story was about the name all animals unless it's a handicapped pug legitimately i see jack with all animals and she's like take it or leave it but if it's a handicapped pug she's in somebody else would take care of them i want to take them under my wing oh my god oh my god okay sushi not a great name is that all you got no i have better ones it's a warm-up harry styles said no to being prince eric in the little mermaid and i am pissed where did this rumor come from that he was gonna be in it he was definitely asked he politely declined fuck you harry styles you had one job did we want him to be in that role yes yes yes no if you vote

yes if you vote no yeah see we don't give a wait who did you guys want as prince harry oh sean mendez our boy no you cannot have sean why not because sean is busy being a superstar harry is not he has available time harry is doing nothing gucci gucci gucci okay i wouldn't see it if it was sean though okay sean okay so i have some weird san francisco news in your city of san francisco a man accidentally threw away 23 000 his life savings in a shoebox into the recycling bin and he was trying to um what's it called that when you when you do the house with the Folding, special way. Marie Kodo, his condo.

He was condoing. He was sparking joy. And he was getting rid of all the extra stuff he had. And so he threw all his boxes into the recycling bin. And then was like, I don't have a bank account. I only have $23,000 in cash. Also, you're a moron. And probably a drug dealer.

Then he. Oh, my God. Then he went down to the recycling depot. This is San Francisco. I know you have a lot of them. I don't know how he knew which one to go to. And he went through, and he was able to recover $18,000. Wow.

So somebody went in there and stole $5,000 and then left the rest? Oh, my God. Weird, right? I once threw away my great-grandmother's engagement ring when I was Marie Kondo-ing. You did? F*** that woman. Okay? Whoa.

F*** that woman. Is it gone? Gone? It's gone, gone. Gone with the wind fabulous. But you could have at least taken it and sold it. No, it's gone. Okay.

Marie Kondo. All right. We haven't talked about it. I wanted to get everyone's take on Gigi and Tyler. Ew. F*** that shit. Not another Hollywood A-lister getting with a f***ing scum of the earth bachelor. Here's the thing.

Here's the thing about Tyler, see, that's f***ed up, is I think that he's a psychopath. And I think that he's been saying all the right shit about Hannah. So everybody thinks that he's like this amazing guy And then he's a f***ing boy What's wrong with going on The Bachelor? What? I never said anything was wrong I want you to go back on

I think Gigi deserves someone who is her height Zayn I'll tell you Zayn is tiny You guys, I have such a good Zayn story Guys, I don't think it's nice when we height shame people Oh my god Thank you.

One time. Some of the best sex in my life was with men under six feet tall. Thank you. Thank you. One time I was at the Met Gala, and Gigi Hadid came with Zayn. It was the year that he wore the silver arm. Do you remember? Silver arm year.

Like, machine and mandus or whatever. And they walked up together, him and Gigi, and they were, like, posing for photos. Oh, it's Alex! There she is! She arrived. What was your reaction to when I bled all over the goat sheep? Are you a dog in heat? That was good, Alex.

Alex has a twin sister who lives here. Okay. Anyway, so Gigi and Zayn walked up, and then I saw someone walk out with the arm, the silver arm. Someone was leaving with just the arm, and then I saw Zayn walk out, which means he wasn't really invited. He didn't get to really go. He just came into the carpet and then left. That's dark. so cool that's all okay next it's like what you do at every event yeah wait i do want to talk

about i don't know if we talked about this on the podcast or if it was just like in conversation about everybody knows that kelty went on the bachelor right do you guys know that and we were asking kelty the other day we're like are you sad that you're like the only person that didn't get famous from being on the bachelor she's like managed to be the most non-famous person to ever humiliate themselves on tv i only had one night and her exit was unreal okay is she watching on youtube google it when you go home tonight oh okay here's one do you remember this song you and i collide when you and i collide okay do you remember that song all right it's sung by a guy named Howie Day

oh yeah I know Howie Day when you and I collide all right well Howie was arrested for allegedly beating up his ex-girlfriend oh my god which is up but then when he got arrested he had eight just free-floating Xanax in his pocket, not even in a tin. Rude. And he was trying to use that as like, don't arrest me because I'm a famous person. So he was saying to the cops... A famous person?

He was saying to the cops, he's like, no man, that's just Xanax. I have to take it before I go on stage. When's the last time you were on stage, house? Yeah, what's the last show he ever played? 93? Like, are you on stage tonight?

honestly I want a man who carries a free floating Xanax I know that seems so fun you like go to pretend to like you know do a little rub and then you take four out of his pocket and have a great night last night at the wedding I was actually walking around asking people if they had Xanax because I knew that I had a layover and I was like I can't get through this

without it I didn't find it this whole time I've had Xanax sorry that's so upsetting this is a story oh this is a story from Georgia I'm sorry, there weren't that many weird San Francisco. Anyway, okay, I'm not going to explain myself.

But, okay, a city in Georgia, they found 1,000 teeth inside the walls of the building. And it led them to an international teeth in walls situation. And apparently this happens all the time. What? They find complete sets of teeth hidden in walls like it is a peanut butter jelly sandwich at a schoolyard. That was awkward. Like sets of teeth. Like with the skull?

Is it because that doesn't disintegrate and everything else does? No. Allegedly, it's... Well, when somebody kills you, you take the teeth out so you can't identify them through dental records. They're probably hiding teeth in the walls. But obviously, I know that. So anyway, I'll finish. So they found that it's mostly where old dentists used to be. And then when they leave the premises, instead of just taking everything from the dentist's office, they put some teeth in the walls.

Oh, it's like a cool, like, remember us. We'll see you later. You'll never know who is here. Kelty, I have a question. That's a really weird way to do that. Since all your teeth are fake. Not all. If you were murdered.

You too. Veneer crew. Honestly, I'm about to get new teeth. And I'm going to be f***ing fierce. Oh my God. Do you guys watch Drag Race? Okay. You know, um, Vangie.

You know how Miss Vangie got new teeth? Honey, mine are going to be 15 times whiter than Vangie. You're going to have to not even look in my direction. You can't have them too white, Kelsey. But wait, you didn't answer my question. If somebody were to murder you, if they got your teeth, would they not, would they be like, these came from TJ Maxx. We don't know who they belong to.

These super cheap veneers. Yeah. Would they know? Probably not, right? No. Is anyone a dentist? You know, they could probably, no, they could because they have her stumps on file because they got to fit the veneers into the stumps.

so then they could probably take the veneers out and see how they match the stumps and the dental record. Okay, all right. Good to know. And then also you have to chop off your fingers. Okay, well, that got weird. What I will say is that it's kind of f***ed up because this is my second set of fake teeth.

I had a first set in high school, and then I was like, I need better ones now, and I'm going to be a star. And they put this one in crooked, and it's like I paid a lot of money to have a crooked tooth put in my mouth. Okay, anyways. You guys should feel really sorry for Kelsey complaining about her f***ing veneers.

Next topic. Okay, the next topic I was not interested in in the slightest, but Jack said she was, so I promised I'd write it down. Lizzie McGuire is coming back. Did you watch? Take it away, Jack. How old are you guys? I'm, wait, they're as old as we are.

But I did not. What even is Lizzie McGuire? Is she a detective? Who is Lizzie McGuire? She's like a high school student. Or junior high? What? Tell us what Lizzie does.

I actually have no fucking clue what she does. Is she a detective? Is she like Veronica Mars? She's just like a high school kid living her life. Is she like, she's like Claire Danes in my so-called life. She's just hooking up with guys. But wait, what the fuck is Hilary Duff going to do? What's the purpose of the show?

I'm interested. There's no purpose. Is it going to be like a girl meets world bullshit where she has a kid that's Lizzie McGuire Jr.? I think, I think this is. That sounds boring. It sounds like Sex and the City. Okay, I feel like you're very invested.

I feel like she's doing this because... She's doing this because she doesn't... Kristen Bell, she's doing this because Kristen Bell wasn't too good and too big to go back and be Veronica Mars. Right. So now this is the thing that everybody's going to do. Miley's going to go back and be whatever that skank was. Hannah, Montana, Dakota, whatever. She's going to go back and do that.

It's cool now. Oh, my God, you can go back to Glee and get a job again. No, it's not really the same. Not the same. No, you'd have to be the star of the show to go back to do the show. I feel like I'm ready. Everybody else is like, we're not. We're fine, okay?

I need money. Lizzie McGuire needs some background actors now. Whoever yelled out Kitty reboot, this is the Kitty reboot. We're living it. Sadly, this is all that you're going to get. She's a dick to us all the time. That's her character. This is it.

okay we have two more um okay so this is such a good story you guys oh my god it's probably not no it is i'm gonna read it i'm gonna try to read it in my news voice an unidentified person is currently on a pooping spree in orchard park new york per the new york daily news multiple homeowners have alleged allegedly noticed human feces suddenly appearing on their lawns According to the Buffalo News, one person even... One person even filed a police report. How do they know it's human? An unidentified person is currently on a pooping spree in Orchard Park.

Honestly? I can't say it again. I f***ing love... Hold on, I can get through it. Three, two... An unidentified person is currently on a pooping spree in Orchard Park, New York, per the New York Daily News. Wait, you're going back and reading it? No, I'm just trying to get through it.

Shitting in lawns. That's it. I love this. Love a pooping spree. That's so nice. Maybe he was constipated and he finally took a smooth move tea or like a nice laxative. Smooth move does not create solid. I have been waiting for a pooping spree.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no. That's just like a diarrhea. It's just. That's it. A guy used to come by and poop in my planter like nightly in my old neighborhood. I had to move. I had to wash.

Because you lived in Hollywood. Off my house twice, and I was like, babe, this is not our long-term home. That's why I live in the hills, because crime don't climb. I just learned that from you guys today. Is that a thing here? Wow. You just got to live as high as you can. Okay.

I want to talk about the Instagram hoax. Hoes? Like us? This week, celebrities were confused by the Instagram hoax, So they reposted a badly made post, hoax. And it said, Instagram does not have my permission to use these photos. Eva Longoria, you're a f***ing idiot. What is wrong with you?

So many celebrities repost this. I was so disappointed. Alicia Moore. Pink? Pink! Pink! She's so smart. She's a modern woman.

Why was she posting that? We went to go record a podcast with somebody I'm not going to name. And we're like, like, they're so amazing. They're so smart, smart, incredible. So I look up there. We've never interviewed someone like that. No. I went to go look up their Instagram and that was the last post that they posted.

And I was like, oh my God. Meanwhile, Kelty was like, Instagram, you can use all of my footage, everything, every caption, every nude photo. Please repost Instagram. Okay. Last topic. This one, Scott Disick bought Sophia Ritchie a $200,000 black Aston Martin. I don't even know what that is.

That's like that. It's a fancy car for her 21st birthday. That's not even the story. We all knew that. That's the fact. She posts on Instagram that he is her best friend. Oh, God damn it. Chris is my best friend, my husband.

he's my only friend we're not even friends with her i don't say out loud you're my best friend like i'll cut you but like i just don't think a 21 year old girl should have a 37 year old best friend they don't think the same memes are funny and i think that there's a big issue with that it's just like i don't know i don't know no don't know zach's not my best friend no cause he won't let me tell him things like when I actually

shart in my pants he's like can you can we not and I'm like great fine you just can't be my best friend anymore

that's why we started the podcast we can like talk to all of like our 400 best friends our friends okay so here's what

we have to say follow at Kelty on Instagram at Jack Vanek at Becca at the Lady Gang okay we're gonna take a selfie

with everybody see you next Tuesday thanks for listening and make sure to rate and review this podcast wherever you get your podcast we have new episodes of lady gang every tuesday and thursday follow us on social media at the lady gang uh follow us personally at kelty most importantly at becca and at jack banik and we will see you next tuesday