LadyGang - LG QUICKIE: Okay Seriously, There’s More in the Box!?

Episode Date: February 20, 2020

Let’s talk about the grossest things we do! Also, what kind of weird sh** do you like on your pizza? And learn the way we’d like to spend our ideal sick days. Plus, a great Brad Pitt story!   Be sure to check out this episode's rad sponsors! Bud Light Seltzer – Bud Light Seltzer is available now. Pick up a variety pack and try it for yourself.  Mint Mobile – Mint Mobile – Get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, and get the plan shipped to your door for FREE, go to mintmobile.com/lady.   Purple – Get a free purple pillow with your purchase of a mattress when you text LADY to 84-888.  Shopify - See all the ways Shopify is supporting independents at Shopify.com/Independents.   See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Here's Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jack Vanek. Let's make this quick. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome. You guys, it's been so fun doing The Lady Gang, and I'm sorry we have to hear this news on a Thursday, but this is our last show. No, it's not. it's over no it's not over the girls they hate me so much we're gonna be right wait let me tell

you something kelty yeah you love people i really hate they don't even know what i know there's literally no inkling they would think that i like them yeah people i hate the most yeah think that i like them yeah i'm probably the friendliest with people that i hate same like nice and like well except for our like lady gang groupers like fans because like i'm not close enough with them to talk shit to them yeah but i'm nice to them but you like them you're not yeah you're not genuinely like these people my favorite moments with lady gang is when your little heart melts and you're like the next like you're you're always like oh god like you know you're like you're weirded out by people in general and then like a lady gang i'll meet you and tell you a

story and you're just like oh my god and you just become such a mama bird and you're just like let me help you and i'm just like are we let's move on you know what i mean and you're like just so sweet. I have empathy. Push people. I don't have patience or tolerance for like the everyday interactions, but I do have empathy for people who are struggling or sad or whatever, because like, I feel it. I don't, I know that if, if we leave an interaction and you're having a great day and you're like, Becca, wasn't the warmest, it's not going to like ruin your day. Nor do I think you deserve the warmest, whatever. Well, I do. I do deserve everything. I don't think anyone deserves anything from anyone. Like we're all just trying to get by, trying to get by. But if

you're struggling and you're strong enough to admit that you're struggling, then I will be there to help you and give you whatever advice to make it, to alleviate it. Yeah. Don't you feel like when you're having a bad day, all you want is someone to like empathize with you? Yeah. And just be like, I'm sorry, you're having a hard time. Yeah. Like it sucks. Deep. Ooh. All right. well welcome back for another episode of what's in the box no what let's do what's in the box i feel like we've never done it it's just been you it is okay all right first question here we go i didn't even do a proper welcome oh do it yeah you did not really oh it's fine we just started talking yeah i like that though oh no i canceled the show it's sloppy right off the top okay you

You want more of my whiskey, Jack? All of a sudden. What is the perfect combination of pizza toppings? Oh, I know this. Mmm. Ugh. All I want on my pizza is pepperoncinis and red pepper flakes. Ew.

Period. Ew. No cheese? I mean cheese. Like a normal cheese pizza. And sauce with sometimes a jalapeno. Pepperoncinis? I don't know what that is.

Pepperoncinis? Pepperoncinis? Pepperoncinis? Pepperoncinis? Like a banana pepper. Pepperoncinis? It's like a little pepper. It's like a banana pepper.

Like the little green ones, the neon green ones. It's a full pepper, or is it little slices? It's a ring. It's a ring. Yes. I have the controversial opinion of liking pineapple on my pizza, and I like a mushroom-pineapple combo because ham freaks me out, or mushroom and pineapple? Are you a cereal killer?

And I like a buffalo chicken, no, barbecue chicken pizza. So instead of tomato sauce, barbecue sauce, barbecue chicken, ranch dip. I used to go through a phase when I did Rock of Ages that every single two-show day where you had like a matinee and a night show, in between I would go to this place called Crave. Do you remember Crave Pizza in New York? It was the greatest pizza ever. I didn't have a job while you were on Broadway, so I couldn't afford to eat out, but thank you so much.

It was only three months a year. Anyways, Crave in New York City, and they had the best barbecue chicken pizza. I love cheese and pineapple. Pineapple? You like a pineapple? I love a pineapple pizza. That's so gross. That's what's up.

Okay, Becca. I hate fruit. I hate fruit on anything that's not a dessert. Jared does, too. He hates fruit with a savory dish. He hates it. I think it's psychotic. What about like a salad with a cranberry?

no i hate a salad don't put a single fruit i love a fruity salad i like a nice a nice um little sweet orange yeah i love it orange a little mandarin question oh don't tell the girls they ask they won't know what you want an orange in your salad i like like a chinese chicken salad with mandarin oranges gross go roast it's good ideal ideal fake sick day oh okay um i never changed my clothes so what i wake up in is the same outfit i go to sleep in what do you mean well you don't know about this because you've never had a real job but okay so like sometimes when you have a real job you take a sick day but you're not really sick okay and you lie to your boss okay it's not the same as i'm just playing cookie i'm not working at old navy anymore because

i want to go on vacation it's not that so anyway okay i wake up and i'm disgusting and i go to bed that whole night and i'm disgusting i never change my clothes i never shower it involves me laying on the couch drinking like a whole pot of coffee to myself binge watching like fixer upper episodes and hgtv like post mating breakfast lunch and dinner i love it multiple multiple entrees not sure what i'm gonna feel like get them let me get them all um like make it rain six pack of diet coke feeling absolutely garbage disgusting garbage and being so like diabetic that at 6 p.m. I just pass out and I sleep the whole night. Whoa.

Wow. Possibly an in-house massage from Soothe. Oh, that sounds dope. Okay. I wish we had Soothe right here right now. We should do it. Can you imagine if we're getting a massage? My friend is the CEO of it.

Should we ask him if he could send some people over? Get a discount. Okay. What's your perfect sick day? Okay. My perfect sick day is waking up, post-mating breakfast. Post-mating all three meals is essential. That's pretty tight.

never leaving the house obviously yeah i do like a shower though i love i love getting in the shower and really like being super clean to lay around in a clean sweatsuit agree in a clean sock with wet hair i want to get on the couch i want to watch housewives for a long time i want to keep my phone on silent across the room so like i really don't have to talk to anybody um post many lunch. I think that's kind of it. Like just staying in and watching TV, garbage TV and sweats. Yeah. Um, I've never had to fake a sick day before, but my last sick day, my last real sick day that I've had, cause I always have to leave my house. I get cabin fever every day. Yeah. I can't, you've never spent your whole day and learn tonight in

your house. Well, I'm not productive in my house. So like I need, if I'm going to be productive, I have to leave. But a sick day is not to be productive. No, I know. So if The last sick day that I had, Jared was in town, and I made him sit with me and watch 21 episodes of Love Island. 20? Oh, my. Great. How long is the episode?

An hour. He did that? An hour? Wait. Wait. You watched 21 hours? Well, no. They must be like 40 minutes.

Okay. Because they fit in an hour. Wait. But we watched like 20 episodes of Love Island straight from the beginning. He did this with you? He's the best. Such a good man. You better marry him.

Yep. Got me. Zach would never. I replaced the new host tested against me for my job. Did she? For the job you have now at Entertainment Tonight? At Insider. Is she good?

I haven't started watching the new host. She's so good. And her name's Lauren or Laura something. And I remember she came in. I was like, fuck, this girl's the shit. That's good. Caroline Flack, she's so good. She's so good.

She's like hard to replace. Yeah. It's going to be really. Laura Whitmore. Yeah. All right. Next one. Jack, it's you.

All right. No, wait. We've got to take a break. When we come back, more Boxy Bitch. Boxy Bitch. the lady day and we're back jack here i go what is the grossest most embarrassing thing you do um okay so i'm having a thing that's happening in my 30s um where i finish peeing and then i stand up and i also you've been in your 30s for like a long time for 30 years rude okay so i have an

issue now where i'm like in a hurry i gotta urinate i urinate i stand up i think i'm done urinating and then more urine goes down my leg and i don't wipe it i just shake it pull up my pants and like go on with my day it's disgusting so you're gonna have problems with that when you get older wait i already have problems i know but i feel like it's gonna be it's gonna be really bad you're gonna have to wear a diaper yeah but anyway so but what i could do is i could pee be like okay i think i'm done peeing and then like let the little squirt come out and then stand but i'm always in a rush rush rush rush let it i'm peeing down my leg a lot these days i also found find that i squat a lot because i don't want to touch the toilet okay who is the type

of person that actually lays out the toilet paper on the public toilet i do i do only if i'm pooping yeah of course but if i'm peeing i always squat who does that to pee i do it to pee you do in airports and you said i said squat because i already told you i'm having trouble yeah it doesn't all come out it doesn't all come out when you squat oh mine does i mean i think you're so young you have to focus on it but i think the older you get 33 is gonna be hard for me but like also i was my p was fine at 33 okay but here's another awful thing to admit if i'm somewhere that's nice i will sit on the toilet yeah i've sat on that you know what like a public toilet it's actually not that dirty no it's the back of someone's thigh they're not like i think that but

then it's like a myth that they make you think it's like super dirty and you can contract diseases but how many times have you peed on that seat oh a million but unless you have an open wound touching the toilet that there's also a shit ton of bacteria like but i think the real problem is the fucking squatters because the squatters the aim is off well that's why you squatters are the ones we all just agree to stop squatting if everyone just united we sit i know it would be better okay the gross thing that i do is ever since i got laser hair removal i'll get like random hairs growing in do you get that yeah or no so but the hairs that grow in they like half grow in and then they kind of just like pop out yeah not like a real hair so sometimes when i see

one you eat it i don't eat it okay but i'll like get a tweezer and like tweezing out that's not that gross that's it but the little they're like little ball hairs i mean but i have two blackhead hair follicles one is my bikini line and one's in my armpit that don't grow hairs they just grow a big blackhead and i love to squeeze that shit out i had one of my armpit grow into like the assist that was probably an inch like long i thought i was dying because well i have hemorrhoids that are so bad that I'm considering doing that surgery. Oh, can they take them out? Where they, like, tie a rubber band.

Do you have them now? Is that why you're on the side? No, I'm just... Well, I mean, I kind of do have them. I kind of always have them, but it's, like, when they're bad, it's, like, bad. Yeah. And they come out. Ugh.

Of your butthole? Yes. That's so crazy to me. So I want to go and get the surgery where they, like, basically tie a rubber band around it and, like, kill it. Or should I just try it myself? Does it just pop? It dies?

It dies. And then it just, I don't know, falls off? i'm not a doctor diamond let's call dr oh my god i have been here you guys dr diamond cannot do your hemorrhoids no absolutely not he's not a proctologist isn't that what those are called yeah but you can't have a hot proctologist no i do not want a hot guy looking at my butt no my sister was researching for me like ob-gyn's in la and she found this guy and he's a smoke show no and i was like do i want to go to him and she's like do you want to go to him and be like my vagina smells funny this month can you give it a whiff that's one of jared's best friends is a

gyno nightmare and he's yes and he's so attractive he's so just cool he's our age so he's 32 that freaks me out though why are you becoming my friend i like it my friend is a gyno yeah and he is attractive and straight and his wife is one of my good friends the reason he is is because He loves the vag. He loves the vag. No, because his mother, when he was young. Died. No.

Got like ovarian cancer. And so he like got very into like women's health. Oh, that's nice. So that, unless that's your reason for becoming. It's a no for me, dog. Strong no. Strong for no. These are so disgusting.

Wait, you guys. So I texted Jared when we're going to do facts the other episode. I'm like, tell me a random fact. He gave me some good facts. Okay. Read them. Look how dirty these glasses are. This is disgusting already.

The tiny, tiny lenses. They've never gotten more press. Kelty's glasses are so dirty. They're so gross. It's probably urine from an extra pee. One fact. Barnacles have the largest penis-to-body ratio of any animal. I didn't even know barnacles were alive.

Those actually look good on you. God, I hate you. You're such a f***ing Olsen twin. Those look amazing on you. They do look good on you. There's no way. They don't look good on you. No, they don't look good.

They look better than they look on all of us. Yes, they look better than us. You could fucking wear it. You could pull it off. I hate you. Those glasses don't look good on anyone. They look good on Becca. What's the next step?

They don't look good, Kelty. I feel strongly about it. The word vagina comes from Latin and translates to a sheath, a place to put your sword. Wait, I've heard this before. That's amazing. Oh. You've got to take the glasses off. You know what it also-

What? the glasses kind of look like like when somebody when there's a picture of somebody and they're trying we can't talk about these glasses for six episodes straight sorry but they look like if there's a picture of somebody and they're trying to conceal your identity so they block out your eyes so just put two black dots on your eyes that's what those glasses look like okay wait january jones was on dax shepherd's podcast well she's also just on nick dale's podcast she's really getting around her own um i mean should we judge um she said that means fornication under consent wait consent seems too much under of a consent of the king

oh so is it like what like a british royal fornication under consent okay next question idiot what would be your ideal sandwich oh peanut butter and jelly i love bread a soft white classic bread you know what i don't have enough peanut butter jelly sandwiches they're so good they're underrated an adult to enjoy when i was a kid my mom made me peanut butter and sugar sandwiches thank you mom delicious my mom would be like i can solve all your problems What kind of sugar? Cinnamon toast. Oh, cinnamon toast is delicious.

Butter, sugar, cinnamon. My kids are not getting that garbage. I used to have cinnamon toast every day. Guys, I ate McDonald's three nights a week. Yep. Oh, yeah. For like 10 years. Hold on.

We have time for one more question. We're almost done. Don't be rude to the boss. Which fictional character would you love to meet in real life? Oh. Yeah. It's not dumb. It's not dumb at all.

It's not dumb. Thomas Shelby, Peaky Blinders. leonardo caprio romeo but the leonardo caprio one with the fishbowl i want to look at you through a fishbowl remember he's like that movie didn't do it for me like it did for you guys i was also gonna say leo and titanic is like the ultimate crush you know when you're getting old when brad pitt is so hot for you yes i'm like brad pitt is like he never i was too young brad pitt was never hot no yes no young brad pitt was hot now when i look back at it and i'm like oh my god he was so hot but i didn't care no because we're so young but like holy shit yeah no mr and

mrs smith was on tv the other night and i was like he no wonder they got together no wonder wait oh sorry no can i tell you a great brad pitt story yes okay okay this will this will finish hot yes so at the golden globes i wasn't there but um et was there and brad came up because he's nominated and kevin k fresh is on the thing and he asked him about jennifer aniston oh no literally on our thing he was like hey and so we're really excited for you to run into jen be reunited with jen to jenna what do you think or she said what do you make of like everyone talking about you and jen reuniting tonight and he's like oh well he's like well jen's a friend and it's cool he's like second most important reunion of her year let's be honest because you know friends friends

reunion how funny is that he's so funny that was so funny and then he was like you know because the friends were here and i was like he's fucking cool yeah he had a bad patch drink with him no you can't i think he's sober yeah oh well like i mean the personality that you'd want to like go have a drink with let's hang out like a fun time you could come on the podcast he's sober yeah i think so well i don't know for sure i don't know him but i think he went through a rough patch at the end of his marriage to angina and lost it a bit and now he's back on the path of greatness and he is doing a great job killing it he is so hot when he looked in my eyes i was like you're right i am divorced like brad pitt or dr diamond brad pitt oh my god but dr diamond no

i'd vote diamond you would vote diamond pitts have you been close to brad pitt though i've seen him like in person yeah he's cute how tall is he it's tall i just want to know for reference he's a big man oh he's tall enough for you but you know here's the thing is that i have to be there has to be more like oh like brad pitt yeah you're like a good actor like fine right but like diamond diamond is a beast yeah and also like intelligent yeah he's like i'll fix your face and then i'll go to my kid's soccer game yeah what he's like you're a great dad well-rounded perfect man i know yeah this is creepy yep okay we love you we love you so much thank you for joining us we weren't here for a long time but we were here for a real creepy time we'll see you next tuesday

Thanks for listening and make sure to rate and review this podcast wherever you get your podcast. We have new episodes of Lady Gang every Tuesday and Thursday. Follow us on social media at TheLadyGang Follow us personally at Kelty, most importantly at Becca and at Jack Vanek

The Lady Gang Network is produced by Will Sterling Steve Delamater, Kirsten Woodward and Elizabeth Baquet. Thanks for rating and reviewing wherever you get your podcasts and tune in for new episodes every single week