LadyGang - LG QUICKIE: Snack Martin Returns!

Episode Date: December 3, 2020

Live from Canada, Becca and Zach share a bottle of wine as they discuss how to behave at dinner parties, what makes a successful marriage and how humor and compassion have played a major role in their relationship as they celebrate their fourth wedding anniversary! Check out our amazing sponsors! Mrs Fields: Get 20% off site-wide with promo code LADY at mrsfields.com - Just click or tap the microphone at the top and enter promo code LADY for 20% off your order. NetSuite: Let NetSuite help your business with a FREE Product Tour at NetSuite.com/lady  Stamps: Go to Stamps.com - Click on the Microphone at the TOP of the homepage - and use code LADYGANG to get a special offer that includes a 4-week trial PLUS free postage and a digital scale! Talkspace: Use code LADY to get $100 off of your first month at Talkspace.com - or download the app!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It's time for a quickie. Podcast One presents The Lady Gang, The Hollywood Girl Posse with Lady Gang Quickie. Here's Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jack Vanek. Let's make this quick. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to The Lady Gang Quickie. I am Becca here with special guest, my husband, Zachary Robert Martin. Hello, hello, hello. He has football on, on mute.

so if he's distracted i'm fully present i'm here okay we just finished the sip and shop on lady gang and um uh we both drank a lot of red wine so you're getting us uh full frontal and fully tipsy i'm not really sure what to say to that okay so i didn't prep zach on any of the questions that are coming up because it's just more fun to get him um you know spontaneous and off the cuff first of all a little background on zach martin and myself we have been married for when this comes out four years in one day wow when's our anniversary december you tell me actually you always get it wrong i get it right december 3rd the way i remember it is one two three how about that what year 2016 wow you did it thank you proud of you thank you um okay i

notoriously can't remember dates i think there's an actual like block in my brain so i'm it's only taking me four years normally i think it's on december 2nd but december 2nd is actually your mother's birthday nope december 1st is my mom's birthday close okay i'm a dipshit um anyways so four years married and minus two equals one december 1st what that's how you can remember don't complicate things it's the first year i've gotten it one times one is one i hate you i hate when you do this um zach's his mission in life is to confuse me at all times it's not a difficult task it's not okay so first of all i want to say that we have a lot of girls that write into the lady gang and to me and to kelty and to jack and they're like you're so lucky how do i find my

perfect man and how do I find my perfect match? And we're here to tell you there's actually no such thing as the perfect match. There's great people out there and no matter who you end up with, it's going to be challenging. But I will say that I did a good job of finding someone who was very much in line with the things that I wanted in life and the things that he wanted in life and the things that were important to me were also important to him. So I can't say that we have this perfect fairy tale situation. We're well-suited for one another, but we also work our asses off at having a nice life and a nice marriage, right? Yes. What to you is the biggest misconception about marriage? Before we were married,

before you were married what did you think it was going to be like and what was it really like um i mean i had a good lesson from my parents and i have two older sisters so i got a real good dose of what marriage really is it's not just a fairy tale if you you meet your prince charming if you're you know a girl or guy i guess girl or guy prince or princess charming um although i'm pretty charming yeah super charming that was a joke um i don't know what i was saying anymore what what did you think it was gonna like what was the thing that myth busters marriage is actually not like this well i think when you're young you like you think you're dating to find the one person to where you're not gonna fight with the person you're with or you're all the negative

things that come with dating someone disappear when you find your one and that's not accurate it. You're always going to have, I mean, you know, I look back at the way I was when I was 20 years old and I'm a completely different person. And as you get older and, and as different people coming in and out of your lives and you have different life experiences, you change as a person and your priorities change. And that also applies to your marriage. I mean, each person evolves separately, independently, and you have to constantly evolve your relationship and grow together because you're each going to grow separately at the same time. That was like a haiku. How was that? It was good. No, it was actually a good point because even since we met

each other, you know, well not met, we met a long time ago, but since we started dating six years ago, I would say we're both two completely different people. Not completely, but you know, we've, we've changed and evolved. And I think that like part of a successful marriage is not getting married to that exact person. I mean, there are certain things that are going to stay the same. Like I'm always going to be really a bad driver and I'm always going to forget where I put things. Um, there are certain core values. I'm always going to love my family, but there are things that will change and evolve and my priorities are going to change and so are yours and you kind of have to be supportive of the other person and also not take it personally

when someone changes their mind or changes their direction in a marriage right yeah totally what is the hardest thing about being married um i mean the hardest thing to me is when you you work on something like something either the other person is is lacking or missing from you or you know something you want to change and you fix that thing it creates a ripple effect and something else changes so it's not like you know you work together you communicate you point out i guess the first thing communication is the hardest part that i've found is sharing how you feel and being on the same page and knowing you know what is truly on the other person's mind versus assuming what the other person is feeling or thinking and building resentment and misinterpreting

things. So that's probably the biggest thing. But the second biggest is once you understand what the other person needs or wants, and you want to try to change and help and fix that, you know, it's a constant evolution. It's not just one quick fix because there's a cause and effect for everything. So as soon as you fix one thing, something else changes and it's always a moving, you know a moving target yeah what is your hardest or most difficult part of being married the most difficult part of being married is um not being completely selfish so everyone's like it's about sacrifice and commitment and everybody's like yeah i can do that i can like eat at chili's if you want to eat at longhorn or eat at longhorn if i want to eat at chili's like

it's what no i'm saying people think that sacrifice and commitment is just about i get a blooming onion if you want ribs but it's not just about the things that you do it's about the way that you live your life you know like we in the beginning of our marriage had issues with my bad habits of oversharing and getting very TMI and you're a more private person. And so you came to me and you said, I feel like there's a time and a place to, to put this whole thing out there. And there are some times that I feel like maybe I don't want you sharing so much. I just want to let the record show that this was very extreme things that were coming out. They know the shit that comes out of my mouth.

We'll take that and amplify that times two. Yeah, it's bad. Okay. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but what I'm saying is, is that I went through my life and my adult life behaving in a certain way because there were no repercussions because the only person that looked like an asshole was myself. But now I know I'm representing two people. So when Zach came to me and he said, I need you to tone it down in certain scenarios.

at first my instinct was to reject it and scream at him that this is who you married take it or leave it that was not the right thing to do the right yeah I did that but then after a little bit of self-reflection I realized that that's what this whole thing is about is you want that person to be happy and comfortable and if it's easy for you to make an adjustment like it didn't take anything away from me to not be such a dick at dinner parties. Like it actually, I realized that I needed to make the adjustment to make the person that I love comfortable. I still can get down at a dinner party, right? Like I still get to do my thing. It's not, it's not wrong, but I've tempered the takeaway is this like you find someone that you align with that you align with

on major things and they're the things you love about them are gonna you know wear off on you and make you a better person and vice versa hopefully the monotonous little things the you know things that annoy you are going to get amplified the longer you're married and when you throw kids in the mix excuse me hi i'm barbara aka your nursing educator on instagram i'm a registered nurse and i create content to help nursing students feel ready to take on anything and everything that comes with the job and trust me it's a lot here's one of my favorite and simplest pro tips upgrade your scrubs to figs figs are designed for us they are super soft lightweight and breathable with four-way stretch to keep up with your every move polished professional

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question because i'm like a perfectionist so everything annoys me that is not 100 up to par okay but i've learned to be way more patient and it doesn't bother me question zach how many times a day yeah on average i don't keep a tally in a little book in my pocket how many times on average are you kind of rolling your eyes to yourself or taking a deep sigh i don't know mine's one to two yeah that's probably the same for me okay and that's okay it's only fine i don't think that anybody should not feel that way no right you're chasing perfection with another person it's not gonna happen it ain't it ain't real right we don't know we're just figuring this shit out i'm just trying to go to outback okay what's the most awesome part about being married having someone

else to go through life with? Yeah, totally. The other day I was actually thinking about it and I thought being married for me is selfishly the best thing in the world because I really don't like a ton of social things. I don't like to have a lot of social engagements or parties or a lot of friends and a lot of, I mean, I do have a lot of friends, but it is draining. It's hard. But then when I come home, when I was single and I would come home to like my apartment in New York, I was loved that I had the quiet place to myself and I loved that I was independent and I had my own thing. But I also felt like I kind of wish there was someone to share this part of my life with that I didn't have to be on for all the time and that I didn't have to, you know, make plans

with to see all the time. Like it's kind of awesome to just wake up every day and know that like you're stuck with me and I don't have to plan what time we're meeting and we don't have to like, you know, we can, but that is also the trap with marriage is the, sometimes you get too comfortable with them just always being there and not making an effort to have special times and special moments with each other. But we'll get to that. What's the most awesome part about being married for you i already said it constant intercourse no i wish you could see his face that were happening i could maybe answer that off um he already said that to have someone else to go through life with and then you stole my idea and then elaborated on it elaborated elaborated

elaborated also i'm sorry if you guys are so bored we had so much wine tonight who's we i've been sitting here watching football i mean you've had a couple glasses you sneaky don't be sneaky about it would you say there are as a man what are are there any red flags that women should look for in a partner ladies of the lady gang look this is the same thing i tell people that i hire i'm in sales same thing though for every person out there that responds to a certain way i do things there's another personality type that responds to the way that they would do things i'm already lost for if so if i'm on the dating scene and for a girl that i'd be interested in or a girl that i would not like there's a guy out there that really meshes with that girl

and that personality type got it so you know there's a lot of girls out there would probably not mesh well with me, I would assure you. Many. Many, most. And that's my point. Find someone that you mesh well with. Don't force it because you feel like it's the right timing or, you know, it's just, I don't know, you're tired of searching or you're desperate or whatever that is. Be yourself in all situations and something will come about. That's for sure. You're so right. because there are people that kind of turn you into different versions of yourself. Whoever it is that you're around that turns you into the most true version of yourself and the happiest version of yourself is the person that you most likely should explore the most. But also I can be

really ridiculous and I can, you know, the way that I dance at weddings can really, remember that guy at the wedding that looked at you and goes, are you going to do something about that? that was so weird anyways you know i feel so free to be me i am the person and that you know i can't i can alter but i can't change and so when we started dating i realized that i could be pretty damn close to what i already was and be kind of perfect for you and vice versa i did have to behave at dinner parties but that was really the only adjustment right all right and sam just smacked me in the face with the microphone this thing is it's heavy right cumbersome cumbersome okay um we did a q a actually the other night on instagram and said well i did i did

all these wheeze you're talking about oh great off zach we drink so much wine okay maybe i like party of two in vancouver for months now yeah do you want to talk about that before we get into the questions well if you tell me who this we is okay we is me and all of my personalities what is something that the lady gang community would be most surprised to hear about me and you can feel free to be honest feel free i mean you don't hide anything i get pretty vocal about everything okay i mean i don't know do you have something in mind no you do you're such a bad liar i don't know i'm trying to think of things yeah i can tell you already know it's there he's such a bad liar girls marry a guy that you can tell the moment they're lying i don't lie

you are right now i lie no you don't um so oh have i said like too much a couple times not too much though that's something that really annoys you isn't it it's not that annoys me everyone does it in our current world doesn't annoy me just try to raise raise it ways ways awareness raise awareness to you i'm trying you're cognizant of that i know it's really hard it's a doozy it's like really hard it's like so hard yeah like how do you even you know how do you just like too much you know i can't it's like i can't even it's like i can't even so before we got married and while we were married early on we did get a lot of people telling us about their experiences with fertility or seeing stuff in the media or whatever it is.

People always say that fertility and infertility and all that stuff adds a lot of stress to any marriage or any relationship. And I'm going to be honest here and say that I thought that I was invincible and that we were invincible. But it turns out there's a reason people say that because it is something that you can't explain. And I think really the root of it is that no two people go through any stressful situation and handle it the exact same way. Would you agree? Yes. And you're one person's vision of how the other person should be navigating it your expectations are never going to be met exactly how you want them to be or how you envision it so you're always going to build resentment if if the other person doesn't respond the exact way that you expected

them to right and that goes in anything in marriage if you expect me to wash the dishes or take the garbage out and I don't know that I'm supposed to, then you're going to be pissed at me for not doing so. So it's just kind of one of those things, but amplify it on a much grander scale because there's a lot more at stake and neither person is really equipped to be able to deal with that kind of stress. And, you know, a couple false starts and different things that really put some emotions in the, in the mix. And, you know, every person's trying their best or each person's trying their best to navigate through it. And also I've had a lot of, of thoughts about couples who are together, who are, whether they're dealing with any kind of grief or loss or stress,

whether it's financial or losing a parent or, you know, miscarriages or whatever it is, you know, it's, it's really important to stick with it and allow each person the space to go through what they need to go through in the way that they need to go through it, but also be very vocal about saying, I see you're struggling. I see you're sad. If there's anything that I can do, please let me be there. And also the other person being able to say, I'm sad, I'm struggling, and here's what I need from you, which is kind of off of what you're saying. It's managing expectations because we're not mind readers. And I think that when people are in a lot of pain and a lot of sadness is kind of clouding the relationship. Sometimes two people come

together and work through it beautifully. I think more than not people go to their separate corners and like lick their wounds and it turns into sort of a solitary experience, right? You and I kind of went to our separate corners and dealt with what we needed to deal with. and what's that book your parent like my parents used to read women are from venus and men have a penis or what's it what is what is that it is that it what did you just say no women are from venus and men have a penis there's something to the planet from mars women are from wait men are from mars when women are from venus women are from venus men over mars whatever the mind's the millennial version let's write that book the lady gang yeah no it's true

we're wired eight and it's not even men and women it's just humans in general we're all wired so differently that you can't expect that your partner to be perfect and read your mind and we definitely dealt with a lot of that. And we did so much work because there are moments where you think I'm, I'm going to speak for myself. I'm going to take the we out of this. Okay. I had moments in that where I was so sad and so confused that it felt easier to just retreat and be like, fuck it. Nobody's going to understand me. No one could possibly understand me. I didn't give you the opportunity to let you in to what I was going through to even try to understand. And I regret that very much, not giving the opportunity and instead just,

I don't know what that is, but it is a thing that people do. It's like, maybe I was feeling sorry for myself maybe i was a little resentful of you know me being the person physically going through it and you being the spectator but you weren't a spectator you were actually in it and i kind of forgot that piece of the puzzle and i fucked up in that way okay i don't know what to you would agree right yeah i agree yeah i mean yeah it's a doozy it's a doozy guys making babies in your 30s not as easy as advertised no making a baby in general for a lot of people yeah i'm realizing now it's way more common on how difficult it is versus how you know it's a blessing whatever you believe in it's a blessing to to create a child yeah in this

world so okay more let's get to the fun questions shall we can't wait okay uh if you could live in another country besides america same we love italy so much it's the best country how did you decide you wanted kids when you or how did you decide you wanted kids and when to have them um well we were older when we got married and so we're up against the biological clock so really you you start running out of time before we were married we were running out of time yes that's true but you don't think about that. Um, I mean, I've always wanted kids and I think you have to, um, yeah. And so that's, that's a pretty, uh, a big topic before you marry someone to, to probably align on that. But I think people also change their minds throughout time. So, you know, be open to that.

If you, if you commit to one idea early and evolve, communication is key. Okay. Uh, how long did it take before you knew you wanted to marry each other? i knew pretty quickly you did was there she still doesn't know still undecided was there a moment a moment where i didn't or no no like a moment where you thought to yourself this is the person i want to spend the rest of my life with no can you make one up um i mean you don't have one yes i do yes i do when you after at our wedding when you're like well i guess we're really doing it no no you've told someone before that at our wedding you still didn't really you weren't sure no that's not true at our wedding

at our wedding I just I let me put it this way the longer we've been married the more sure I am that you're the person for me at our wedding because I'm really great you are really great and you've only gotten better with age George Clooney but at our wedding we had only really been dating for two years and some of it was long distance. And I don't think that we really knew each other. I think that we had a really good feeling about each other, but I don't think that we, and I don't think anybody ever really truly knows each other. So don't like freak out about this timeline that I'm giving, but I'm freaking out. No, I knew that I loved you. I knew that I loved your family. I knew that I loved the way that you felt about family. I knew I loved the

way you treated people that you cared about and treated people that you didn't know. Like all of those things that were so important, but it's also, I'd be such an idiot to say that we could have also gotten married and I could have been in for a big surprise and not been super stoked about who I married. And I was aware of that. I think also when you get married, when you're 30 or older, you're not in rose colored glasses anymore. You know, you've seen enough things and cautionary tales where it seems like happily ever after, but you'd be an idiot to think that you for sure know after two years of dating, there are surprises left and right. And there still are. We still had some surprises, but thank God they aligned with, you know, who we were

collectively so most people navigating this aren't what in air quotes woke like becca is and like oh yeah completely you know brutally honest about you know lifting the veil on everything at the time you're getting married most turn their blinders on to some of these things that she's referring to because you love someone so much and that's okay it is it's definitely okay were your blinders on when you married me oh yeah oh is a bat so it's only gotten worse for you no it's i i make really good decisions you do yeah i knew that my decision was right i still do thanks babe yeah i'm happy i married you i'm happy i married you look at that look at us four years of marriage happy anniversary babe we didn't even know we were

timing this quickie um okay any parting words that you'd like to tell me on our anniversary well one it's not our anniversary it will be when this it'll be the day after it doesn't matter um happy anniversary i love you so much oh that's so lame listen you have to keep something sanctimonious about a marriage what's your favorite thing about me your sense of humor for real yeah and your wedding dancing you like how i dance at weddings and i like that i don't have to dance with you you can just dance yeah because i like to just stand by and drink and let you frolic around thank you you dance at weddings too though sometimes you got to be pretty turnt yeah i'm a i'm an outer perimeter dancer until i really like someone that was

getting married and then i'm really bringing out yeah i mean i injured myself in that italy wedding we went to you did you did well i'd like to say to you thank you for allowing me to continue on with the lady gang and talk about you a lot and put our lives out there a lot and put you on blast and mostly myself on blast and um not a lot of guys would be cool with this so i'm aware jerry and chris and zach are some pretty spectacular men that allow their women to be both lunatics and um we're also pretty incredible wouldn't you say are you impressed with us i am very impressed thank you um very impressed but i'd also like to say my favorite thing about you is also your sense of humor i do laugh every single day whether it's at you or with you i'm

not sure and you're also someone who makes me feel like no matter what comes our way this is super cheesy i feel like i can handle it because i've got you i don't know where i'd be heart melt heart melter what was our wedding song go i mean i didn't know the name of it then what our first dance yeah our first song well i did walk down the aisle to bony bear but we're not going to say what song because i don't want people to steal it right here's the what we dance to our first song honey out of mind like a big monk sounded like queen it just sounded like queen we didn't dance to queen it's it's called dreams by caroline blazer

there you go guys happy anniversary to us it won't we weren't here for a long time but we were here for a romantic goodbye lady gang is produced by alex ingber will sterling and steve delamater make sure that you rate and review this podcast where you listen to it please it makes a huge difference and also subscribe so you never miss an episode and if you really love the episode we want to hear from you on our social media channels at becca at kelty at jack vanek at the lady gang but more importantly we want to see you sharing the lady gang with your friends so be like oh my god i just listened this episode was great okay here you go here's the link i love it love it okay thanks for listening and we'll see you next tuesday

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