LadyGang - LG Quickie: The Ferrari of Viruses vs Santa Baby

Episode Date: April 10, 2025

This week on LadyGang, the ladies dig deep into their most mortifying childhood moments—the kind that still make them cringe in the shower. From awkward school plays to epic middle school mishaps, no embarrassing memory is off-limits. They also reflect on the lessons life has taught them and the one thing they wish had been part of the school curriculum. Whether it’s balancing a budget, navigating relationships, or simply surviving adulthood, this episode is a mix of laughs, life hacks, and secondhand embarrassment. Get ready to feel seen, heard, and maybe even a little grateful for your own awkward moments!Check out our awesome sponsors!!Don't miss FX’s Dying for Sex! All episodes now streaming on Hulu!Cover Girl: Superboost your lashes with NEW Lash Blast Supercloud Mascara! Only from Easy, Breezy, Beautiful COVERGIRL. http://bit.ly/3Ez5HC9See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

it's time for a quickie podcast one presents the lady gang the hollywood girl posse with lady gang quickie here's kelty knight becca tobin and jack vanek let's make this quick hello hello hello welcome to lady gang quickie i am here with jack and kelty and i'm becca wow guys that was a weird intro that is a weird intro hey jack pour me a hot toddy of champagne i gotta put my atlanta hat on yeah it's so cute kelty got me a hat that says atl oh you're mixing i guess we're gonna mix wine and champs yeah how's it going you guys do you think i got norovirus on that plane ride probably it's crazy how many people are sick is this happening in your life yeah i'm okay for now

it's really insane it seems more than usual but is that because i have a kid yes it is but also i'm sick of you parents because i mean same but why every parent i know is just like it's a constant roller coaster of like me looking at your instagram and your children being sick and then you being sick and then your children being sick and you being sick yeah and i know that's like life but it's like duh they're grime monsters well it's kind of like when you take pictures of yourself in the makeup chair every day it's like duh we get it i'm gorgeous gorgeous and you're getting pampered and i'm getting puked on duh no i totally really annoys you to see sick kids and sick parents it doesn't annoy me but i'm like i'm like this is not news like your kids are

disgusting they go into kid things they play in ball pits they do like the sand at school or whatever like the group toys like duh you're getting hand and mouth whatever it is yeah yeah i guess you're right you know what i mean does the noro you look cute in a hat novo is it novo or noro i thought it was noro does it make it makes you shit and puke right yeah can't wait they're calling it actually i just saw this on instagram hold on okay violent diarrhea bug dub violent diarrhea oh my god as opposed to regular diarrhea the ferrari of viruses is hitting americans in record numbers ferrari so they're nicknaming the norovirus the ferrari of viruses because of its rapid speed oh my god hold on i gotta write down ferrari of viruses okay that's

great yep so i just hopefully i didn't get that on my flight over but fingers crossed chances are high yeah chances are high i love that for you like come at my house because you know what i will pamper you i have a foot massager i have a heating pad i have a soft furry hello kitty onesie ready to love you i'm not gonna lie and i felt this way before having a child so this is not just like the exhaustion of parenting i have wanted to get things illnesses like that in the past just so i could like lay in bed for a couple days it sounds nice like sometimes if i feel a twinge in my stomach I'm like it could be my appendix I could be getting to go under and recover 100% Becca Derek was driving me to work the other day and he was like no no I like this

we have this like VinFast car and he's like I like this car because it like beeps when you're changing lanes and stuff he's like it's very very safe and I was like yes but don't get too excited about being safe because like a minor car accident where I'm in the hospital for like five to six days eating apple juice like i don't want to be a dick but like that sounds great you know what i mean like i am ready i know you just had a surgery just going through it i'm like it sucks i took it too far well minor i'm just i'm just saying like an appendix rupturing like a like a pedestrian and then you're like constipated for two months and bloated and you feel like shit and then you just i feel like shit normally me too but that makes me feel like i'm currently going through

it. I just want to be normal. You are. I know. You'll be normal soon. Just kidding. Never. Rude. Offensive. Wait, do you want to have cookies tonight or tomorrow? No, I want them tonight. I'm going to text Derek. Sweet Lorenz. Those are the best cookies. So good. They're so good. Can you make the cookies? Please. Please. In the fridge. He's an excellent baker. Did you know that my assistant Derek went to culinary school? I did know that. And yeah. okay here we go today we're talking about things that are important what is your most embarrassing memory from when you were younger i'll start this is great fifth grade kelty finally this one my lucky number is 12 she auditioned for dance elite the dance company in the dance school which

now i realize was a ponzi scheme but oh at the time it was a big deal and we had to audition to 76 trombones from the music man dance elite and i made it and i was so excited and so in the day of dance elite this was like late 80s 90s we had like two body suits and those body suits had a lot of snaps on them and then you snapped on whatever costume like you didn't have a full costume you had to snap on so like there was a black body suit that you put a lyrical skirt on and then you put like a lapel and it was new york new york like and then we had a red body suit and the red bodysuit was like sequin red bodysuit with like a low v with like some gold neck chains coming down and there was like for the sassy boogie woogie bugle boy you put like a hat and

then for the other one you put like a bow on your butt yeah we got it sorry sorry like what is the story even about i just had like 85 different thoughts as she was like kind of zoned out to be honest well that's what i mean like don't zone out lady i literally thought if i was trying to remember if i packed my toothbrush okay listen to me in grade five we for dance elite did i got that you auditioned for dance oh my god you had all the snap-on costumes top hat boogie boogie boogie boy i get it a lapel for new york jesus christ okay i'm gonna focus okay so we did a number at christmas called santa baby and we had yeah i'm familiar you had probably a red snap on and a boa okay and we did at the mall

santa baby and i thought on fridays in music class in grade five that we got a chance everyone got a chance to perform so it's like if you played piano you played recorder if you play clarinet and i was like all i do is dance so you did performance of santa baby so i want to do performance of santa baby but i couldn't just wear my shimmer tights and the costume as it was so i wear the bodysuit with the jean and my and my teacher pulled me to the hallway and told me that I needed to act appropriately. Because she knew all about Santa, baby. But she also knew we were grade five.

Was it a seductive dance? Well, yeah, because you pulled someone up from the class. I wanted to do it for Jason Wellman, who was my crush in grade five. And I wanted him to sit. Because what we did at the mall is we pulled a man from the mall. This dance elite people should be in jail now.

This is disgusting. Wait, were they the ones that were doing the Santa baby? When I was in Dance Elite, we did Santa Baby, like, nine of us. Sorry, I was so bored. We had nine of us. It wasn't that it wasn't. And we pulled one man. And we put him on a chair.

That's sick. And then each one of us. And a grown man? And then which one of you gave a lap dance? Why were you being inappropriate? Not a lap dance, but we gave a little, like, Anna's treat for me. Oh, my God. So why were you being inappropriate?

Because she wanted to perform it in the music class. In grade five music class, not at the mall with Dance Elite as a solo. Oh, you learned it there. And you wanted to perform it at school. She was going to take it into music class. Solo to Jason Lomond. Oh, okay. And she said, you have to be appropriate.

And I was like, I am appropriate. I'm wearing jeans. God. Anyway. But you felt embarrassed? I felt like, I felt at the time, like, you don't get me. You don't understand my raw sexuality. And it needs to be let out in fifth grade music class.

but also like you don't understand how grown up i am i'm in dance elite like there were just so many feelings wow anyway that just really embarrasses me because i think now back about like that teacher and like her being like oh kelsey's performing santa baby and her where did she learn this one from yeah it doesn't it reminds me it's not really even similar but just teachers and like kids my friend's sister is a kindergarten teacher in new jersey so hot after my story so my and they're in kindergarten they're five years old and they're in new jersey and sometimes those families in new jersey we've seen the new jersey housewives there's a lot of bedazzled and bows and little girls that are dressed like they're part of dance elite yeah

and this little girl five comes in in a tube top tube top and it keeps sliding down so sliding down and sliding down yes and so my friend's sister was like hey Mackenzie or whatever the name is if you could just be you know just be aware and just kind of pull your shirt up when you feel it coming down she goes why they're just tits wait how old is she five amazing why they're just tits that was the word tits yeah i love i love the word tits such a great word can you make us a lady getting sure that just says tits with an exclamation always says he wants to see my tits

and then he like tried this is so stupid then he tries to like motorboat me but my boat my boobs literally could not go too far apart to the side there's literally a space like with your ribs yeah oh my god tits the lady gang okay what's yours wouldn't know embarrassing moment the first thing that came to mind was when um ashley simpson tried to fight me when i was younger you were embarrassed i was so embarrassed and that's what's so funny i'm like if this happened to me at 37 years old i would think it's like the most iconic thing in the world yeah yeah but she like a tldr is she tried to um swing punches at me in a nightclub after a vma after party

because i was talking to p1 make me wanna la la in the kitchen i got kicked out of the club because of it i believe that so then i like i like was like crying outside because i was so embarrassed because i'm like i didn't do anything and also everybody's gonna think i'm a loser she knew that you would or you were gonna pounce on her man i know if you just pounce and then all those years later pete wentz was on that podcast and he was like you know who makes cool stuff jack vanek so he did want to pounce you he's a real one i mean he didn't want to pounce me but he's great but that did ever come on the podcast just call him no that was a little before my time oh my after your time i'm younger than you it's not my time no it wasn't your time because there

were girls that were obsessed with p wentz that were i don't think there's like were girls obsessed with p1s or was he like the dorky one that obsessed he's so short he's got the res he definitely has there's something about him sometimes short people have that becca what's your embarrassing moment from when you're younger when i was in i was either preschool yeah i was preschool and i went to this little montessori school it was so cute what's montessori i hear that all the time you went to montessori school yeah i didn't know it was around when we were younger yeah yeah my mom was very like um upcoming new agey and you learned how to read because that's the big thing is they don't teach montessori kids how to read

they don't you know what they also don't teach people how to write cursive you know that there's like they don't teach anybody to write cursive anymore i was teaching my niece how to write cursive at the cheesecake factory the other day on her ipad well they bit i was like copy this it's how the a connects to the l because we both have k's cool tell me that part about the lapels wait so are you gonna put ford a montessori i mean i looked into it what if for lady world we get black bodysuits no costumes no snap our costumes no but i am literally santa baby at lady world because i will i'm making you i'm disturbed from that performance okay so i went to montessori school i did learn to read it's not a big thing and they for some

reason at the school there were obviously toilets but they they had curtains so there was no real privacy it wasn't there's no real privacy in any stall right yeah there is with the stall it's like a shower curtain right and I have always been somebody that my mother informed me because now Ford does this I need an extreme privacy while pooping like even as a child because some kids a look you dead in the eye and like on the floor right yeah does ford need privacy oh yeah like and i used to hide behind furniture even to go in my diaper it just was such a vulnerable thing i did not want because you're embarrassed no because it's so vulnerable no it's not embarrassment what does ford do you're not safe yeah well you know that's why dogs look at you when they're

pooping no because they don't want you to catch up no they like make eye contact you they make eye contact with you because they're in a vulnerable position and they want you to look after them and that's why they look at you when you poop that's why they'll come in the bathroom and watching me poop yeah this is mind-blowing maybe you are dog jackass wow that's crazy because my dogs always look at me when they poop all dogs do because they're like please watch me in case like a predator comes no so i'm opposite ford's opposite and we were talking about it but i was always very and i never wanted to go at school but sometimes you gotta go when you gotta go i'm four years old yeah and i'm taking a shit in this costed montessori school and this little

bitch in the upper class she's probably five she's very popular what a cunt she walked in with a group of people behind her and she goes look see she's pooping and she whips open open the curtain whipped open my curtain and all of them were staring and laughing at me were you what i was pooping yeah this bitch i i i used to remember her name up until a couple of years ago i could always melanie my mom will remember but i'm like where's that bitch now that's so i don't bully why do bullies exist and how are how do they start so young it's are we just born bullies i don't think so that's so mean i could never imagine doing that it was the worst so mean yeah it was so mean and i just was so embarrassed it's more cruel that

they made a curtain for the pooping area i think because when you're four it's like hard to wipe yourself they don't know what you're doing there yeah um speaking of pooping how is for his potty training since you're so late oh talked about oh yeah no everything's great except um he does he holds his poop yeah but that's normal a lot of kids do that a lot of kids do it but he's it's really hard to get him to like feel the sensation and he needs to poop and go to the toilet and like i think it's also a scary sensation for them because it's such a weird feeling to like evacuate your body yeah no it is until you're like that's all i ever want to do it's the greatest feeling ever like literally euphoric no but even today i had to take my computer in

with me because i was like i don't have time to poop but i know i need to just sit here and let this like really wow did it work yeah it worked that does not work for me it's it's either there or it's not yeah sometimes you don't know what no i've never not known that's how you get hemorrhoids i know but thank god i have a perfect butthole so i'm good what you've never had a hemorrhoid never have you no i don't think pregnancy aren't they from push you push too hard i apparently but i don't feel like i pushed that hard well anyway says you okay what's one thing you wish they taught you in school and why taxes money yeah the fact that i don't know how earth and money works chris was trying to explain to me how bitcoin they like make it and they're like the reason

that bitcoin one bitcoin is worth a hundred thousand dollars because they have to harvest it no it costs all this energy i'm like how but none of that makes sense and like the fact well they're not gonna teach you bitcoin in high school i swear to god i was on the phone for like 30 minutes, at least 30 minutes today, trying to get my 1099 W2. And they're like, do you have any people under your, and I was like, I don't know, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, what's your social security number? I was like, I was giving them all the information. I was like, is this fraud? And they're like, we'll mail it to you. And I was like, I still don't know how the hell taxes work. I don't know how money works. I don't know how anything, and the most important thing,

if you would have taught me at seventh grade about compounded interest, I would have started putting those pennies away i didn't learn about it until i was 24 yeah think of how rich i could be i mean that's what i had too it's crazy you're like playing the recorder which i played last weekend and i was pretty good at it saw you so sexual do you know how to play it no but i played mary had a little lamb she sure did because she can you know who knows how to play it so good jared well that makes sense he's but i'm like how because he knows everything yeah he's just the recorder so i love jared because he's he's just so nice so unassuming he'll be like you know jared edits our podcast if you don't know lady gang and he'll be like everything's in the sheet

and i was like god you're good very basic what's one thing you wish you learned so like he's doing the job he's getting paid for like he's so excited he's so nice the episode is in the sheets becca mine is the same it's anything financial related or just adulting adult related when you can't flush your toilet you call a plumber here's how you find a plumber when yeah any sort of like adult skills would be nice or or here's how you can avoid dying of carbon monoxide or yeah here's what to do it's just so crazy that we didn't learn anything useful in school. Nothing. Nothing. Guess how many times I've used

the Pythagorean theorem. Zero times, everyone. Zero. I still remember one of those equations. I bet you do. You little brainiac. Jack, what's yours? I already said it. Same thing. It's time to go.

We weren't here for a long time. We were here for a baby time. Baby. Baby. Lady Gang is executive produced by Jessica Crandall. Social support from Kali Carrera, editing from Jared Monaco, producing from Steve Delameter, and iconic hosting, creating, and being

the gang gang of all gangs by Becca Tobin, Jack Vanek, and Kelty Knight. Kelty Knight support by Derek Haley.