LadyGang - LG QUICKIE: Tough Love Lessons

Episode Date: December 15, 2022

The holiday season is difficult for everyone which is why the ladies are giving a lesson on setting boundaries with tough love. And while it can sometimes be easier to give tough love, than receive it, it’s an important step in growth for all ages. Check out our amazins sponsors!!! Advocare: Get 15% off your first order when you shop AdvoCare.com/lady  Progressive: Quote your car insurance at Progressive.com to join the over 27 million drivers who trust Progressive!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

it's time for a quickie podcast one presents the lady gang the hollywood girl posse with lady gang quickie here's kelty knight becca tobin and jack vanek let's make this quick hello hello hello welcome to lady and quickie i am becca here with jack and kelty happy thursday what i don't have as big of a closet in this house as i did in the old house and i just had to get rid of so much lady gang merch what you know i need to do that because there are some sweatshirts that i don't love but i just keep them because they're lady gang and i'm like i have like nostalgia to it yeah i got it my closet is non-existent and it's full half full with lady gang merch so i mean i have like six drawers of lady gang merch yeah same one of

everything i donated a lot of it because um it's still in really good shape like a lot of it i wore once but there's one piece of merchandise that i have no idea what the fuck to do with it what is it it is the sweatshirt with our faces on it as cherubs i got rid of that one but did you donate it i don't know what i did that sweatshirt it's so soft i know but i just i don't know an appropriate time to wear a sweatshirt with my own face on it it was an iconic sweatshirt and to be honest we didn't sell as many as I thought that we were going to, but, uh, I loved that. One of my best creations, I think it was a good one. I loved it too. Um, all right. So we're in the holiday season and this is a PSA episode that the holidays could be very difficult because you have to be around

your families and not, and friends and coworkers outside of work for holiday parties. And there's just, there's like a lot of pressure on perfection and like really doing it. And, you know, we love a boundary. And one topic that has come up a lot this year that I thought would be a perfect end of the year kind of conversation is this idea of tough love. And so we're doing like a little tough love lesson, you know, mini episode today. So there's this whole idea of like, well, tough love is defined as the act of treating a person sternly or harshly with the intent to help them in the long run. The opposite of this is like coddling, babying, like all that stuff. And so it's like, you know, the feeling of, Hey, get ready. I'm about to be a jerk. And I have grown

up on tough love. So I feel like I'm really good at receiving tough love. Um, but you're the best. You literally are the poster child of receiving tough love. But there's a bunch of things I want to talk about, but we asked everyone in the Facebook group, like, can you give me an example of when tough love or like things that have happened in your life that had to do with tough love and how you dealt with it? And so I'm going to start there to kick off the conversation. So the first one said, you might be the sweetest. Here's a tough love I love.

You might be the sweetest peach on the tree, but some people just don't like peaches. Get over it. Stop wasting your life trying to make someone like or appreciate you when they just don't. Get over it. I like that part of it. Get over it. She goes, this other girl, this one's really good. She wrote, my boss at the time and the HR director called me into her office.

I clearly wasn't in the game. I had just lost my grandpa. I said I needed, she said I needed to get help or she would be forced to let me go. I got suspended instead and ended up heading to therapy and medication. It did help and I was able to clear my head. I came back stronger and better, although it was very tough to take. Crazy, right? Okay, there's one more.

I had just lost my stepmom. I lost my birth mom to cancer when I was four, but my step-mom was 100% my mom and best friend. And my husband lost his job and I had been dealing with crippling anxiety, panic attacks, and couldn't drive myself anywhere for a few years at this point for the fear I would harm myself. I was in a very low place. My dad, instead of lending us the money that we needed, we had savings, but our monthly income was almost non-existent, gave me the push to get back into the workforce. I was absolutely terrified. I set myself up an interview and I didn't know how I was going to drive myself to it. I didn't even know how I'd

be able to work day to day with all that I was struggling with. I didn't know how to be able to present myself as someone who is far more capable, my old self, someone I barely knew anymore. Then at the time, I landed the job. I felt like by some miracle, I was able to meet all my job needs with no problem. And little by little, the more I pushed myself to do it, I continued to gain the confidence that I'd lost for so many years. Driving became easier and easier. My social skills came back. And within a month, I was promoted to management. I know I wouldn't be who I am and where I am without that push for my dad. If he had just given me the money I needed and let me out easily, I wouldn't have been able to be an amazing mom to

my son and be a more confident me. It was so hard at first, but I always say that job gave me my life back. Oh, that's great. Have you guys ever received tough love that has changed the trajectory or something important in your life. Kelty, you've received all the tough love. Well, this is interesting. So I was thinking about this with Becca. You now have a son. And so it's like, how much do you tough love and how much do you coddle? And they found this study, a study found that children's upbringing had a profound effect on social skills later in life. The children with tough love parents were twice as likely to develop empathy, resilience in the face of difficulty, willpower, and control over their emotions. So it actually is really good for kids

to have tough love. I think you have to because it's like your introduction to feedback that's not positive. So it's like if you are coddled by your parents your whole life and then you go out into the world and you receive feedback that's not great in a way that's not perfect, then you crumble into a million pieces. Yeah. So yeah, I, I understand that. I mean, there's a definitely a delicate balance and I think I'm trying to figure out what that is too, like as a parent and I don't care what anybody says. I think that parents of boys struggle the most with, um, like the, what, with that balance, I guess, if you will, because I think in the past boys have been raised in a certain way of being tough, get the over it, be better, be stronger, be whatever. I mean,

girls have that too, but it's other, but we're able to be softer with girls, I think. And yeah, you don't worry that girls are going to go out into the world and like not be able to stick up for themselves, even though like we probably should have worried about that a little more. so it's like the tough love is hard because you also don't want to break anybody's spirit so i don't want to break my kid's spirit but i also want him to be tough i want him to be resilient in the world and i want him to hear bad things about himself not bad things but things he can improve upon and not crumble into a million pieces but i also don't want to break his spirit so it's like it's such a it's hard it's like with friends too because learning things about people

in your life like how much they can take and how much they can't like kelty of the three of us can certainly take and sometimes it's the only way kelty receives a message because it's really been the only way that you've been communicated with your whole life is like harsher a harsher um delivery and then jack and i are not as good at receiving that it's like i go on the defense and then jack crumbles into a million pieces so it's like someone could have been better with me same i'm like very good at giving tough love i feel like but not at receiving it and that's probably like a flaw of mine for sure like i am out of the group of my friends like i am the tough love giver like i do yes oh my gosh ask any of my friends especially when it comes to like

relationship advice because like my biggest pet peeve is like the asshole right where it's like somebody's asking for advice and you give them, you know, you're giving them the correct advice and then they're not taking it at all. So I'm like, well, you wasted my time and you just basically want to hear yourself speak at this point. But, um, so I feel like I'm like, I am very good at giving it, but yeah, I mean, my parents definitely didn't raise me with a lot of tough love, but I feel like I was raised correctly. Like I wasn't coddled too much where I feel like I can't take anything, but I guess I do crumble. So who knows? well also there's something that happens like when you have a sibling yeah that somebody treats you

like when you're a younger sibling especially someone i grew up being treated like shit on the bottom of a shoe like for a lot of my childhood my sister the person the only person i wanted to get approval from had absolutely no interest in telling me showing me she loved me so it's like I think there's a little bit of that and I also think that but that plays into a lot of qualities that are bad about me too so I'm not saying it was like the best thing on earth to have a sister do that I mean I love my sister but it definitely hardened you just as like a baseline oh yeah I became like tough as nails I became a vicious fighter and even now like 36 years into my life it's only been the last couple that I have had to tamper down that form of communication

that I can have when I'm feeling rejected or scared or mad or whatever it is the defensive it's defensive and we all it's so weird like how truly those relationships and experiences shape you as how you take on stuff as an adult. I actually want more tough love to me, but I think I've created people too scared in my life to give it to me. It's hard to change those things now, right? It's hard when you've known someone to all of a sudden wake up and be like, and now I will be this kind of friend to you or this kind of person to you. No, you can't. Does having extra energy during the holiday season seem impossible? Well, not anymore. My go-to for extra energy this time of the year is spark from advocare it's a great tasting energy drink mix that's sugar-free

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quite high and so you know to do what Becca and I did especially Becca but like also to do what we did in New York City you had to be one of the best from like every small town comes and you know we sometimes forget that because we have so many friends in New York that did make it but it's like there were a ton of people that moved to New York City to become dancers and did not make it that had to turn around and I'll never forget I was like a back row dancer I never won like high platinum award at the dance competitions and stuff. No one really thought it was going to amount to much, but I was always like this tall, thin girl that looked like a show girl. So when I got my first job on the cruise ship, everyone was like, all these dancers were there. And like,

I got the job and everyone was like, wait, what her like so strange. And I had so much tough love from my dance teacher, Shelly growing up. She was such a dick. She was so mean to me. She was like Abby Lee Miller, but like on crack, um, and never gave me the time of day and never noticed. But here's what happened. A few years later, we were all in New York city. Again, I had come off cruise ships and a couple of the girls that I had danced with in that same class that had been the winners that had won miss dance America and like all that shit that you can win. They also came to New York for the summer to like, give it a try in New York city. And the minute they waited in line at audition and didn't get the job, they like were like this. And one by one, I watched every single

one of them be hit by a tiny bit of adversity and they could not comprehend that they were not the best, prettiest, most talented. And for me, I was like, well, I'm used to like feasting on scraps here. So it was like, oh, I didn't get that. I guess I'll try again tomorrow. I didn't get that. I guess I'll try again tomorrow, which has served me in my life and is the only reason I have a career because I am not the best at anything that I've ever done, but I'm like tenacious. you know what i mean like i'll go until you give up trying to like that disney movie enchanted was filming in new york city i'll never forget they had all these auditions and it was like first of the ballroom scene auditioned and then the tap scene and then this scene and like i went

every day to audition for one of the scenes and i wouldn't get it and i'd show up the next day and be like okay well maybe i'm gonna be in the tap scene maybe and finally they were like this bitch has been here every day for two weeks trying to get a job let's just put her in the central park scene you know what i mean you just wear them down until they say yes yeah but it's like the girls that didn't have that tough love growing up the ones that were like just so beyond you know everything had worked out for them their teenage years were certainly easier their coming of age was certainly easier um but in the long run it didn't help them follow their dreams so there is that like is that balance you know well and it's like in relation in friendships and stuff

like I think about the times that I've had to give tough love and I've like kind of done a lot of like introspection because friends are coming to, they come to you for all types of advice. And a lot of the time it's when things are not going great. And it's like the girl who won't leave the guy who like refuses to commit and you know, all those things. And I realized that I did, i had a way of communicating before where i was so frustrated similarly to jack where it's like you've come to me for the same thing over and over and over again and i realized that the reason they came to me was because i didn't give them really harsh feedback because i don't really enjoy as like surprising as it is i really don't enjoy making people feel like shit i don't want to

look at you and be like, he does not want to be with you because that hurts to hear. But I did do that recently with a friend of mine. And I have to say it resonated the most with her. It's what she needed to hear. It didn't create any weirdness with us because it was like, I don't want to tell you this. This does not make me happy to be telling you this, my opinion, but here it is. You've come to me so many times. Shame on me. I need to just change the way that I'm sending the message. Yeah. And I did. And I thought it was going to be way worse than the other times. And it was actually like kind of great. And even though she didn't take the advice next time she came to me, she was like, I'm not taking your advice. I'm acknowledging this.

I get it. I'm crazy. You, but you said it. And like, I will, maybe it'll come into play later, but then we can both go away from the situation being like, I didn't hold back. She knows exactly how I feel and like done. It's so much easier than that, like weird, indirect, you know, passive aggressive feedback. Well, it's like tough love. It really is just, it's walking the fine line of being honest while still padding it a little bit because it's like, yeah, if we could say all the things that we actually feel, you know, it would be so hurtful sometimes. So it's like, especially when you're talking about like raising your son and stuff, you know, doing it in a way where you're balancing both of those kind of extreme sides because it does like

affect somebody like for the rest of their life especially when you're doing like you know kelty you can like attest to that from your childhood and stuff where um you know you don't want to like harden somebody so much that they you know don't feel anything but then they have to be able to not everybody's going to get the participation trophy like everybody says in life and from doing nothing so right and that's sometimes a blessing so it's like how do you do that you know no i was just thinking like how do you gauge like because i think that's also a part of it too where it's like how do you gauge like when to say something when to share something when to give feedback i think it's like the best thing to do is like why am i telling this person this thing is it to hurt

them and make them feel bad so then keep it keep your mouth shut yeah or is it because if i tell them this thing and make them aware of this thing it's going to improve and they take it on and and like adjust it's going to improve the rest of their life like for the better yeah probably or what you know what i mean it's like that would be whatever yeah yeah it's it's like if that's your intention i i would be bummed out if somebody that cares about me like is holding on to something about me that they think would truly benefit, you know, something I care about or whatever. I think that's why there's love. Well, there's also, I think that people need to be careful about tough love too, because it can't just be like, well, I'm just like, that's just like who

I am. Like I get the tough love. It's like, well, no, that might be an actual issue with your personality. Like you can't mistake tough love with being an asshole. You know what I mean? Like, and that's what you said. It comes down to intention. So is your intention to help this person out or is your intention you are just a dick you know yeah i also think like if you look at the word tough love it's like love is there like i don't think you can give tough love to an acquaintance someone at work like tough love can only really work if you really do love that person if it's your friend family member your you know like your lover like it it's like you have to want this is me saying i want to be in your life and this is a really hard thing about being

around you or this decision you're making. And this is why it's so hard. And I wish you could just see, I'm giving you another perspective. Like, you know what I mean? And like, I want them to be happy because you love them, you know? So I found this article and I thought this was a cool way to kind of, to wrap up. It was like the seven ways to respond to genuine tough love. Cause we always talk about giving tough love, but then when you get the tough love and you, it's like, it is very difficult. It's obviously like hearing someone say something that's imperfect about you that's bugging them is like never easy to hear. But these steps I think really made it very clear. And so I just wanted to read through them. So seven ways to respond to genuine tough love.

Listen to understand first. You can't hear if you're preparing to defend your position at the same time, which is kind of what you were saying, Becca, like the minute someone's coming at you, you're already like ready to be open-minded. Obviously it's harder than it looks. Look at it from the other person's perspective. So this is something I have really worked on and have really learned because I have a K type brain. So I look at everything like, of course you would want to wake up in the morning and do this thing at this time and have it written down and wear red. And like, I have like a certain way of like, what is happiness to me? But like, that is not how everyone goes out in the world. And it's very difficult. They would say like jump in someone

else's shoes, but like, it is actually really hard to see it from someone's other's perspective. Yeah. Here's one. I don't know if you guys have ever used this on me. Pause before replying. I'm still working on this. Recognize your feelings. So like acknowledge the feedback and then take it on the chin. So I think it's like, you recognize your feelings, like, wow, I'm feeling like, Ooh, they're probably right. Or I'm feeling so uncomfortable, whatever that is. And then be like, Hey, thanks for coming to me. I need to like, just sit with this for a minute. Like you don't have to have an answer right away. Just be like, I need to think about this. Like, I'm, I'm really glad you said something. I'm going to think about it, you know, whatever.

And then the take it on the chin, like it's you now it's up to you. The ball's in your court. You can choose to fix this thing, or you can choose to say that bitch. She has no idea what she's talking about. I'm going to keep dating my boyfriend. Like that's on you. But like you, you don't want to like go back and start like defending your, like, this isn't a defense thing. It's just literally like recognize your feelings, acknowledge the feedback. Hey, thanks. This is great. And then take it on the chin and then make your changes where you see fit. Amen. I love that. Anyway, tough love and a friendship, tough love at work, all very difficult things. It is a weird, weird world to live in because we are friends with the people we work with and we work with

friends and it all comes over, but, um, it's the holiday season. And so there's going to be a lot of this like inter family friendship, hard stuff that comes up where someone is acting or doing something that is annoying you. And I think try to get through the holiday season and then maybe regurgitate it in January and like get clean in January with the people that you need to, But just that's my tough love, our tough love advice for this holiday season. Yes. And don't let this encourage you to do anything. Start giving tough love.

Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes the toughest love you can give is also space. Just to be quiet. Yeah. Space. Ooh. Indifference, baby.

Well, guys, I do love you, even though it's tough to love you. Tough to love you, but I love you. All right. We're here for a good time. No. We're here for a long time. We're here for a tough time. We're here for a good time.

Tough time. Thanks for listening. The Lady Gang is produced by Alex Ingber, Steve Delameter, and Jared Monaco. Make sure you subscribe, rate, and review our podcast. And if you love it, share it with your friends on social media. Like, oh my god, I just listened to Lady Gang. This episode's so great. It's why I love to listen.

And if you really want to, which we know you do, please follow us on social. At Kelty, at Becca, at Jack Vanek, and at The Lady Gang. Sign up for our newsletter at theladygang.com and join our secret Facebook group. It's super fun. See you next Tuesday. We'll be right back.