LadyGang - LG QUICKIE: Valentine's Day Doesn't Have To Suck...Unless You're Into That Sort of Thing!

Episode Date: February 14, 2019

Love is in the air (but not in Becca's cold, dead heart apparently) as the LadyGang celebrates Valentine's Day! Jac finally has someone to celebrate with as the Ladies review the best and worst Valentines Days they've had, as well as the ideal gifts they hope to receive! Amazon = Go to amazon.com/shop/ladygang to find their favorite products while keeping the podcast FREE!  HourGlass Cosmetics = Visit HourglassCosmetics.com/LADY and use promo code LADY to get free shipping with your purchase of a full-sized Caution Mascara  Rothy’s Shoes = Go to Rothys.com and enter LADYGANG to get your new favorite flats and free shipping See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Jack and Kelty. Oh, yeah. I'm all of us. We are all one. We are one. Valentine's Day doesn't have to suck.

You have the Lady Gang. Well, it still sucks. We're your boyfriend. We're your boyfriend in the shape of a girlfriend's voice. That you've never met before. Some of them have met us. That's true. And they were blown away.

In fact, I would like to start this Lady Gang Valentine's Day quickie with a love letter I received in the mail. Oh. From a prisoner? From a fan. dear my friend kelty you are so three o's nice i love watching you on the show i watch every day and it makes me so happy i would like to ask for a picture and autograph it would make me very happy to receive one love your friend gregory wow gregory i really thought that was gonna be

i thought it was me too also you are so i was waiting for like beautiful sexy you're so nice oh nice nice is a great word to describe me yeah i'm just nice i don't understand how you get those you always send them here but like an email do people not know here to not give it to you because like anytime fan mail has been sent to a set yeah like they don't give it to you wait oh i get it all the time is this from your actual friend gregory or is this from a fan well but he thinks he's a fan okay he thinks we're friends but like we are tv friends through the television so not friends but like you should just tell them i don't want this kind of mail i don't want fan mail how much via mail do you get like one sure she gets one piece a week mostly it's from jail actually

let's ask hey m do you have that envelope that mail came in can i have it is it from jail are you sure from new york oh new york new york state prison oh wow no this is not jail mail jail mail is open and then it has a jail stamp on it this is just regular mail that is so where does he live new york you can look up his address i know should we look him up hey maybe later later Google his name while we're doing this. Well, anyway, it's Valentine's Day, guys. Are you so happy? Thrilled.

Okay. So I wanted to ask you for the Valentine's Day quickie. What's your best and worst Valentine's Day you've ever had? I knew you were going to ask this, but, like, I don't. Come on. Do you remember your first Valentine's Day? Wait, I do remember one Valentine's Day. You always do this.

Becca always. Every time we start a quickie, she's like, I knew. And then she's like, well, actually, I have ten stories. Let me get to them. this is rare don't you think no I had a Valentine's Day

this was when I was dating the sex addict where it's a lot of pressure she lived in LA I lived in New York and I was flying to LA to like visit him

and it was around Valentine's Day I think and like I decided that I was gonna wear lingerie underneath my clothes

so that I could show up sex ready sex ready sexually adjacent that is a lot that's a lot of effort but here's the thing

I'm so icky to fly in long flight yeah you know no you worked for the whole flight so here's what I did you changed to the airport I go to

I get off my flight and I go into the bathroom at baggage claim and I go to put on my whole outfit and this woman like you know there's like three inch cracks

in like bathroom stall she can see you she sees me putting on like thigh highs like the whole thing and guard her and I'm like just whatever

You know what I mean? I'm never going to see this lady again. She's giving me dirty looks. It's his mom. I look like a hooker. No, I never saw her again. Oh. And then he picks me up.

It's your mom. He picked you up at the airport? Yep. Did he come in? Or just curb? I don't really remember. I don't think you can come into the airport. Yeah, at baggage claim you can.

You can? Oh, yeah. This was at LAX years ago. Okay. So then we go to, he takes me to a house in the Hollywood Hills that was not his. It was like a friend's house that was out of town. and it was like a weird bachelor sex den honestly not surprised coming from a sex addict and that was my honestly it was a fun time it was probably the sluttiest i've ever been in my life yeah or

the most sexually free granted he's a sex addict and probably i could have gotten 85 stds yes didn't dodged that wow but what was the den like like what makes a room a sexual den it's just like leather couches yeah stuff you can wipe down with bleach yeah like open floor plan marble like like lucite tables like it's just a lot of like yeah there's if you make a mess there's easy cleanup you know um did you ever go to his actual place yeah it was like a shitty apartment i bet what did he do for a job so he was an actor obviously and uh now he does real estate do you still know him i see his his name on signs outside of people's houses is it jay luch no i see him everywhere i do too he's like like that guy must be so much office jay lux lux he's in la he is

everywhere he's so rich every time there's an open space i'm like he's got a monopoly on those Holy shit. I mean, or maybe he just spends all of his money on billboards. No, it's every listing. No, it's the for sale sign, like, call Jay. It's for lease, like commercial buildings. Yeah, it's like he's the only one in LA. He is.

Live your life, Jay. Okay, well, and so did he appreciate your effort? He did. This is the first and last time I ever did that for someone. That is far too much effort. You did? I showed up naked to a hotel room with a trench coat, like old school style. Wow.

Do you think the concierge was like, oh, we have another one? For sure. Because literally nobody wears a trench coat. No. As a fashion statement. No, no. No, I looked so dumb. And now, like, I go.

Who was it for? I'm not going to tell you that. Why? Because my husband listens. That's rude. I've never done anything nice for him. Anyway, I remember, like, I'm thinking I was so great. And I was so young.

And the guy was, like, jaw on the floor. Like, I'm living out all my porno dreams right now. And then. Good for you. Yeah, it was amazing. But then now I see people at hotels in the daytime doing the same sort of thing. And I'm like, you whore. Just judging so hard.

I was just at the SLS for something. Oh, that happens all the time there. And I literally, there was a girl like trying to get up the elevator and she's like, oh, and the girl's like, you need a key. And she's like, oh, I do. And then she's like, huh. And then she's like calling and she's like, hi, yeah, I need a key to get up. And then he's like, I'll come down and get you. And then I saw the guy come get her.

And I was like, this is a sexual prostitution moment. And live your life. Girl, make your money. Dude, get your sex. But like, I was like, wow. Now if I did that, like, Zach sees me naked more than he sees me clothed. I know. I have to start putting clothes on.

That it wouldn't excite him. No. He'd be like, did you, like, what's going on? What happened to the laundry machine? Yeah. Why don't you have pants on? Yeah. I feel like that's only exciting in the beginning.

Yeah. That can't be exciting. I don't even look that good naked. Like, it's much more exciting for me to be in, like, a nice dress. You should be, like, in a black light so then you can, like, see. But then it's, like, really just one-dimensional. No dimples. Yeah.

I was thinking the other day that I fully wasted, fully wasted a pretty decent body. Like, it's gone now. You didn't take advantage of the best times. No, I didn't. You know what I mean? Like, why? I think in New York City when I was go-go dancing, I used my body to its full capabilities. I actually – you know what?

You're right. When I was being a stripper on Broadway – I feel like you used your body. But like that was my job and it didn't feel liberating because it's like your job. But like, God, I actually the other day was thinking about this and I was like on a first date to meet this guy that I dated for a long time after our first date, I went on that date in like short shorts and like a very flimsy tank top. It was summertime in New York. I'm like, if I wore that now, I couldn't even keep my husband, let alone get a second date. So funny.

I remember when I first started working here and I was like pulling dresses for award season. I pulled this like chiffon thing and I wasn't going to wear it. And I said to the wardrobe person, I was like, oh, well, this is such a dress that Nancy would wear. Maybe she wants to wear it. And she said something like, oh, Nancy likes more. Conservative? No, no, no. like more of a

like fabric like oh yeah she wants like her dress to be made of something she's not wearing a chiffon and I was like oh that's so weird

it's such a beautiful dress I completely understand now 24 year old Kelty you're an asshole 30 year old Kelty really understands and I'm like oh yeah

you need to keep that shit in yeah you need to have it like tucked in or like hidden through like a thick fabric granted we're probably going to get bashed because people are going to be like

but you're all thin blah blah blah I wear less clothing now than I ever have so i have nothing to contribute but you haven't always been like this no i used to literally dress in like huge baggy like basic like potato sacks interesting when i was younger why do you think you do don't wear clothes now because she looks amazing because i actually like accepted my body for once in my life because i like hated my body forever what are you doing for valentine's

day it's your first valentine's day i'm pretty sure i'm spending it with you guys right now in new york oh yeah in the back seat of a taxi you've absolutely ruined that song for me i hate that song and you've never heard it before nope and i thought of that the other day when you made the comment on her instagram i'm like i don't even i'll never hear the song i hate it so much already but are you planning like are you gonna send a sexy are you getting a no i think valentine's day is bullshit i always have it's so dumb i don't think the only time that i've celebrated valentine's day is with my sociopath ex-boyfriend and it was a very ptsd filled experience looking back so i will never do anything again will you be mad if what are we calling your guy

his name jared are we saying his name yes i don't know if there's a code are we will you be upset if jared doesn't send you flowers no will you be upset if zach doesn't get you flowers i'll be upset if he does because it's also my money too i'll be like why would you waste our money i'd waste that 60 bucks i know send me french fries no i just it's like it's such a contrived bullshitty holiday do you not think so do you want something do you want a present we know chris is listening what do you want no it's also actually valentine's day so yeah it's too late no no i really love a nice card i think a nice written card is important and beautiful and you know what i'm not precious about my cards in the years past i've told chris i want a card

and he'll go pick a nice card that someone else wrote like with a sonnet and then he'll just sign it and I'm fine with that you know what yeah you don't have to write a love letter to me you can just read one and be like this is the one I want to say to you oh my god see I love

I love a handwritten note it's just more stuff that you have to go through when they die it's better to leave you with nothing god you really when you're 80 years old and they die you don't want to have a box of that shit you don't want to be like god damn it now I can't get rid

I have to die with these here's my here's my thing I don't like stuff like I don't want pictures I don't want mementos from things I don't want to keep shit

from the thing you want letters I just like a handwritten letter I've always liked one it's a very personal like sentimental thing that's the one thing

that I do like well if Jared wrote you a handwritten letter using calligraphy would you be like really touched and then one of those

wax stamps at the back where you yes only because we have this like ongoing thing where he like we're very not very into but like we have this ongoing joke of like old timey shit so it would be very on brand for that are you getting married at the renaissance fair

i kind of love the run fair not for a marriage you don't even call it the proper name this is the rent like the nickname it is the proper name i have a couple memories of valentine's day i'm glad you guys asked first of all when i was young my dad i think got me like a gold necklace that It had a tiny little bird on it that was holding a letter that had like a little red ruby heart, you know, like a little girl necklace or whatever. I specifically remember when I was in third grade and my brother was in sixth grade, he stole it from my jewelry box and gave it to a girl. And I saw her wearing it. No. Yes.

What did you do? Nothing because I just let my brother like do whatever he wanted when I was a kid and like. What an a-hole. That was so mean. So that, first of all, Matt. i've never forgotten my necklace next next valentine's day that i have a deep memory i was dating chief um i know it's his name i was in 10th grade your ex-boyfriends have funny names sergey sergey well he was never a boyfriend i wish the love of your life

I wish Sergei the homosexual gymnast in my cruise ship loved me, but he did not. He was gay. Anyway, so Chief got me. We've all dated one. It was a big deal. So I used to go to this performance arts school downtown in Edmonton. And on the corner, there was like one of those downtown-y shops. Every city has them where it's like cards and like weird flowers.

Like a gift shop. It's like a gift shop, but it's like really artsy. Like, you know, you can't buy, like, oven mitt or also floors with a weird vase, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was called Artworks, and it was on the corners right by my bus stop. Is it W-O-R-X? No. Oh, I wish.

It just seems like it'd be a name for a store. Okay. Anyway, this store was on my bus route, and I had to transfer buses every day in front of it, and it was, like, really dreamy, kind of, like, rich people shit, but it wasn't rich people shit. Anyway, he got me pink roses and this, like, bizarro vase that was made of steel, and it was very heavy it was like something like your grandma would give you and he dropped it off at my house and i could tell my parents did not like chief probably because he had a car and was like four years older than me but anyway um chief got me those flowers and i remember i mean we broke

up and he was a weirdo but like all those years later i remember going into my mom's like we need a vase and like chief's heart steel vase was still in my house and i was like we gets to get rid of this i'm 29 like it's time i still had it it's time to get rid of it do you remember when you got your first flowers i don't remember getting like carnations you know what everyone i'm sorry oh carnations do you remember when people get carnations do they still give carnations because i feel like that's a way to like bully people now i think yeah i feel like you can't yeah it's also like such a popularity contest carnations so well like all the girls like the hot girls would have Would get, like, 50, and then, like, the losers would get none.

Wait, what? Who gives you the carnations? You buy it at school for, like, a dollar for whoever you want it. Yeah, so, like, you could give them to a crush anonymously, or you can give them to your boyfriend, or you can give them to your friends. That's a recipe for disaster. So it's literally a popularity contest. But do you think it builds character?

For sure, because then you're Colton Underwood, who, like, has zits and a list. And didn't get carnations, and now he's giving out roses, bitches. Yeah. Ooh, I don't need your carnations. It's the turnaround of the century. It is. It's amazing. The glow up.

I think, well, I don't like the idea of any sort of like school Valentine's Day because you had the box and then some, you know, you'd always like get your box of Valentine's Day and you'd be like, okay, Jason has to get my best Valentine's Day. The one with the sparkles and the glitter and the zhuzh. And then you're like, oh, I ran out. And like Edward will just get this piece of paper with a Tonka truck on it. I remember those days. You know?

Oh, I miss those Valentine's boxes. I know. My mom still has them. She does? Yeah. So she won't keep a card from your husband, but she'll keep a goddamn Valentine's? That's my rule. My rule is I don't want cards from my husband.

Oh. I don't want to be doing, like, the notebook as he's, like, losing his memory and, like, dead in the bed being like, well, now I have all these f***ing cards. Yeah. What do you do with that s***? I hate... They end up at the Melrose Flea Market, really. That's why I hate...

Okay. Yeah. Things. The last thing before we go, we're running out of time, is I wanted you each to give some advice to any girl that is just broke up, looking for love, can't find love, like, just what to do on a day when you just want to. Treat yourself. Yeah. Treat yourself. Buy yourself something nice.

Go out for a spa day or shit. Yeah. Or shit. Or shit. Or shit. Go for a spa day or take a nice shit. Or take a shit. And go out with your friends.

That's what I would do every Valentine's Day. I'd go out with my single friends and, like, have an excuse to drink. Do you get hit on a lot? Yeah, because everybody out is single. Also. It's actually the best time to go out. Or you can, like, go look at all the gross couples out there. Like, sometimes I look at couples and I'm like, I'd rather be single than be that couple.

Honestly, and most couples are not happy. They're pretty terrible. So they're probably forcing themselves to have this dinner that one of them doesn't want to be there for. True. So that's the reality of relationships. yeah I love it on that note happy Valentine's Day Lady Gang we love you so much

you are loved you are worthy of love you're worthy of a card from Becca Tobin's husband and we weren't here for a long time but we were here for a good time a good time bye hey guys thanks so much for listening to the Lady Gang you can subscribe if you love the show

and check out new episodes every Tuesday and Thursday on podcast one or wherever you get your favorite podcasts follow us on social at the Lady Gang or follow us personally at Kelty, at Becca, at Jack Bannock. And head on over to our website, theladygang.com, to ask us a question, sign up for our newsletter, or buy all the cute Lady Gang merch you see us wearing. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you next Tuesday.