LadyGang - LG QUICKIE: Wait...What?

Episode Date: March 5, 2020

What if Jac had a spinoff podcast about being scatter brained? We could call it, “Wait…what?” Also, Becca sh*ts her brains out in a New York Nightclub! (Wait…what?) Shout out to today's sponsors! La Croix – Find your favorite flavor and more at lacroixwater.com.    Ritual – Get 10% off during your first three months at ritual.com/ladygang.   Shopify – See all the ways Shopify is supporting independents at Shopify.com/Independents.   Third Love – Go to thirdlove.com/ladygang for 15% off today!  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

it's time for a quickie podcast one presents the lady gang the hollywood girl posse with lady gang quickie here's kelty knight becca tobin and jack vanek let's make this quick hello hello hello welcome to the lady gang i'm becca here with jack and kelty and kelty is furiously feverishly looking for a quote i'm so annoyed with this because i had a quote ready to go and then it's it's like you know what i cleaned out my phone and now it's like oh but here i have one i'm ready no i'm ready okay here it's not the one i wanted but don't be mad okay here we go are you ready this is by rh sin and the quote is it goes like this things you deserve a good life Good sleep

A good man And a good poop Oh my god I love a good poop I love a good poop more than all of those things I do too I You guys

I'd rather have a good poop than a good man I understand what they say Like that Pooping sometimes feels better than an orgasm Yeah I feel that I mean Nothing feels better Does poop

This is going to be a weird question Oh god Oh god Does poop Does poop Feel the same as having anal sex no oh you know what i'm gonna tell you something i'm gonna tell you something so this is not i don't know i've never had anal sex however i did it has right

i gotta feed callie oh damn it i thought those were snacks same i thought that was like beef jerky no okay so i had to do it doesn't feel the same it doesn't no but well there's some sensations that they have in common. Okay. Well, I had to recently do a suppository because my hemorrhoids were so on fleek. I remember. Terrible. Dark time.

So I was like, I'm going to have to do one of those preparation age suppositories that you have to stick in your butthole. No, it's not an enema. It's like the size of a really tiny tampon, but it's all like the ointment. So you put it in and it slowly dissolves.

At one point in my life, one of my gay friends was like you actually when you're having the insertion you actually think of pushing out yes to let the penis come in i'm like well that seems like so opposite of what you'd want to do because it seems like you'd be like forcing the penis out when you're wanting it in but i was having trouble getting this into my butthole and so i started to push like i was pooping and it went in no problem i can see that like i mean i guess it's like not really you're opening the cavity so anyways our science podcast welcome to body the body's exhibit welcome to the lady game my butt with becca tobin my butt my butt stories from my butt with i have

so many stories would you like me to tell another story yes about your butthole okay well here's my most horrific, most humbling experience of my twenties. Okay. Ever. I'm in a jumpsuit and we're going out New York city style. Like we're hot. We're dancers on Broadway. It's our night off. We got, we got asked to go to like a fancy steakhouse with some like rich guys in the shoe business. And so in the shoe business, is this how you got your shoe modeling job? No. After she's already on Broadway now. So it's just all the people you knew from, no, I didn't even know him from the shoe business. It was just like worlds colliding you know what i'm saying so he was like steve madden's like head designer or some

shit and weirdly there are so many straight men in shoe business it's weird men love a shoe they do okay no fun anyways yeah so we go to this fancy steak dinner i'm in a jumpsuit with like a plunging v so i had to do like this the tape on my boobies tape it so i never really eat that much red meat i never have but when i do it tears up my stomach to the point of like no return well I forgot about this cause I had taken so much time off of red meat that I'm just like sitting at the steak dinner. The plates are going around and I'm like, okay,

I'll have a few bites of steak and blah, blah, blah. So we're eating and then we head to the club and then we go to the club and we're at a, like an amazing table. Nothing like having a heavy steak dinner. A nice potato and rice.

It was always like in New York, you would always do dinner at like 10 and they get to the club at like one midnight or one nightmare. Yeah. Nightmare. Nightmare. I thrived. Oh,

so anyways i am sitting on a banquette and it's like by the dj booth it's a banquette you know like a banquette in a in a jack have you no class no they don't do that day drinking they don't banquette it's like essentially a booth yeah okay it's a booth but like you could sit up on the back you can sit up on the back like perch yeah you can like perch or whatever so we're sitting there and i'm like it's like a bleacher for a bar yeah i'm sitting i know what a booth is i'm sitting with my friend who i'm and i'm like this base is pumping like i feel it throughout my whole body oh my god oh my god oh my god it's not that crazy i'm like it is like my insides are like bouncing she's like it is not that bad i'm like oh i think i just have to take

a shit i'm having pain in my stomach so also mind you i'm there a guy that i'm like talking to meets there at said club bank head and he was like a soap opera actor and he i was very intimate this point it and i was like okay i'm just gonna go i'm gonna go to the bathroom so i go to the bathroom and this club in particular it's called greenhouse i think it's even still there it had curtains for stall doors like shower curtains don't get creative with my curtain with no lock have no no so there is a line so long because it's always long in the women's bathroom because everyone's doing cocaine and it's the line is out the door and there's all these women waiting packed in this little tiny bathroom and i'm like okay i'm gonna shit myself i have to run into the stall and just

do my damn thing i rip my jumpsuit off i'm naked because no bra naked on a toilet shitting my brains out like torrential it's hot it starts getting steamy in the room and i can see the girls through because the curtain doesn't close it's like a fitting room don't give me a fucking curtain i can see like a four inch gap where every girl in line is staring at me naked on the toilet waiting to go to a stall so i'm like this is humiliating i as i put my jumpsuit back on the double stick tape is not working anymore so my boobs are out i'm like this is horrible i go in the bathroom attendant as she's squirting soap on my hands looks at me and shakes her head because every girl in the bathroom is like what the

they're like every like 15 women are freaking out about the smell in the bathroom no exaggeration and i'm like i leave i'm like i have to leave i can't be here every single girl you can't go back out to the banquette now no i couldn't and i was like tyler we're leaving i can't get my shirt back on and i was just seen nude on a toilet shitting my brains shitting my brains and every single girl in that bathroom was like what the and the bathroom attendant just shaking her head you know it's bad because those bitches are like they cared zero percent lava bomb in the bathroom sick and then that smell is just permeating through all those curtains everywhere i mean it couldn't even stay in the zone no there's no keeping it in the zone

oh my god wow there you go jack do you have a story you'd like to share when we come back no i don't okay the lady gang we're back i'm disgusted i don't know where you're disgusted you both equally today pooped in the bathroom and left it there stenching up i didn't poop in the bathroom i did poop in the bathroom well you know what this is the first midday poop i've had probably in my life which is i don't know what's going on in my body but you don't have any sort of a spray in there i have so many sprays we had a super model in the office today a super model and jack goes in there and lays it down and doesn't do a thing about it i did i looked for a spray i sprayed hairspray this is not work there was nothing else you shouldn't you couldn't ask

me you were gone you couldn't ask any of the people in here look around there's so many sprays there's sprays everywhere there's matches i didn't see any candles oh my god i didn't see a candle either there wasn't a candle because you had to bring the candle from outside i did you know what this is this is a wait what also why is this my fault she's always shitting in the middle i take care of it no you don't you definitely don't you don't i've gone to the bathroom so many times where it smells like poop i have to actually don't put this on me i i have an idea for a spin-off podcast for both of you i've actually been thinking a lot about this Is this because you want your own?

No, I already know what mine is. I love when she just dropped the fact that she wants to be a New York Times bestseller so she can do a solo book. No, that's not why I want to be on it. I want to be on it for my Instagram bio, obviously. Okay, so I have two ideas. Well, first of all, I would like you to do a Housewives spinoff, and I think we could make a lot of money.

But that was an idea that's real, where you just do like 20 minutes of Housewives talk every week. But anyway, Jack, I have an idea, and your podcast is called wait what and it's just things that jack doesn't understand this week like everything ever so like a lot of we got a lot of texts from her that say so like we'll be we'll be like we'll be like okay guys so no but to be fair what i'm hold on let me just explain it and then you can defend yourself okay so i was like you know what's really important alex is that when we make the schedule for podcasting we put it in the calendar so everyone

can see it at all times yeah so a normal person wakes up in the morning and looks at their and like looks at the calendar what do i what do i have to do today okay cool and so then it's like you know five hours before four hours later and alex i'm like hey i'm gonna get some smoothies ask the girls like if they want something i don't even actually think i told you to ask them you just ask them because you're nice you definitely didn't um and and then she wrote and on our text jane was like hey i'm going to get something you guys want something and then you're like well how long are we podcasting tonight and she writes back the ones that are solo which was like she was a little bit of a celt down at that moment but are we talking about today yeah she's like

oh we're doing like two episodes and then i was like no no we're doing i'm like no guys like we're doing a whole night of episodes and jack just goes wait what wait what well to be fair the schedule on our calendar changed like five times and we also showed up at a different time than we were planning to it changes every day people cancel it wasn't that complicated it wasn't i was just asking how many good week bad weeks i needed to prepare but also what i love about you is like also sometimes we'll be like hey when do you want to like do the tour and you'll be like wait what and i'm like you know the tour we've been talking about for a year like sometimes i'm like you know how we have a podcast and you're like wait what like yeah like i think wait what would be a great

show for you to talk about the things that are like confused me at the time the confusing parts about aspects of life because you've you've only held an old navy type job like sometimes when our bosses like we have different partners and different things they're like hey i think we should do it this way and you're like i hate that you're like i will never succumb to your way i am an independent person and i do it my way i've never had a boss i'm like okay jack this is how wait what anyway whatever it's a good observation don't you think wait what would be so good yeah i do but i don't know what she would talk about well we wouldn't know until that week you don't know until that until that moment until i get confused always do you get confused when

you're not with us or is it us well i think is jared like hey are you want to meet for dinner No, I'm actually, I'm, I'm quite, I think I keep things in order, but I have so many things juggling around in my head. And you know, as a type seven, my worst quality is my scatterbrained. Yes. No, I know why you do this. Yeah. I love you for it.

I, that's just, I'm making fun of you with love the way you've made fun of me with love. Both of you bitches. Yeah. I'm on board. Yeah. Like, I think it's time we choose a new person in the lady game to pick on. No, I'm way too fragile to be made fun of all the time. Like you.

Okay. You're the only one that can handle it. Okay, I won't make fun of you for another four years. I bet I could handle it. I mean, every day of my life is rejection, mostly. You know, interestingly enough, I saw someone. Who the fuck did I see? Someone who, like, works in TV, and they were asking about you, and you're like,

they're like, she's not ugly enough to be on TV right now. They were like, she's too pretty. No, it happened. Okay, first of all, thank you. Yeah. And I was like, should I tell her to, like, let me punch her in the face or something before she goes to auditions that's not even true there's so many attractive people on tv yeah that is not true okay go yourself no but they're it's not like everybody on tv is ugly

well here's what i'm gonna say the shows that i have been up for the people who have gotten cast are not necessarily like back in the day when i'd be like damn that girl's so gorgeous like of course she got it now it's like okay that was like an interesting choice like she's quirky or like yeah whatever i don't think i mean i think that i'm at an age right now where i am surely ugly enough to be on tv and i'm definitely relatable because it's like haggard women are in but thank you can you find out who said that because i need them to give me a job right i'm getting a job this year i know an acting job you got to talk did you put it on your manifest it's gonna be hard no my manifest list to me last year do you really my top

three things on my manifest list can you say what they were or you don't want to say maybe at a later date but it's how much i got by my manifest did you look at it every day you know no i know why well i don't know why but i think i know exactly why she because beckett probably didn't spite and then he probably looked at the list no i didn't no i believed this one no you didn't i did i swear to you i was like this is the year i'm gonna believe in myself but you didn't Yes, I did. No, you didn't. You spoke so negatively about yourself all year.

And I, as a friend, had to sit here and watch it knowing that you are really talented, really beautiful, deserving of great things. And you would be like, don't give me that look right now. Well, some of my stuff wasn't even career. I suck. You don't suck. I've never said that I suck. I don't suck. I'm fucking talented, okay?

I mean, they don't call it a triple threat for nothing, okay? There are not many people out there who can do what I do. that's why they don't call it a single threat because there's a lot of those wait what boom okay anyways my fucking manifest that list okay so many f words are gonna please i'm sorry no i'm getting a job this year yeah you are i don't know where you're gonna fit it in we're very busy with our business well i am concerned about our timeline but i'm gonna work it out no i think you're you're having a new fall that series that's it's pilot season right now when is oh it's new fall series are you going on auditions for the fall i'm going on a few i mean i literally just

like it's heartbreaking because like you see the announcements for all these roles and like it's so many famous people like really famous people doing tv now so you're like oh i could have gotten that job five years ago when this person aniston's doing it yeah yeah yeah well i am kind of offended that i haven't been called on to read lines with you well because there haven't been really many opportunities well i'm here okay thank you you love reading lines it's my favorite love that you love that because no one else in my life does i don't have time for that um okay well this has been fun no but you had time to make a tape for your audition that was because it could bring me prestige i'm sorry can we please release that audition i don't have it yes you do oh i obviously

i have it how do you text it to us yeah oh i did how about we do we have to do something okay alex let's brainstorm a way to release my video or should we release it as like a tour if you think you're pathetic just look at this even i found somebody yeah kelty had an audition for an acting job last year and it was epic and she sent us the audition tape and i died a little inside because i also had to audition for the same role okay um bye we're done this has been so quick i feel like we're on fire crotch fire wait what i can't wait for your spinoffs we weren't here for a long time we're here for a really good time it was fine thanks for listening and make sure to rate and review this podcast wherever you get your podcast we have new episodes

of lady gang every tuesday and thursday follow us on social media at the lady gang uh follow us personally at kelty most importantly at becca and at jack vanek the lady gang network is produced by will sterling steve delamater kirsten woodward and elizabeth baquet thanks for rating and reviewing wherever you get your podcasts and tune in for new episodes every single week