LadyGang - LQ QUICKIE: BT + MOM

Episode Date: May 9, 2024

Leading up to USA Mother's Day, we are taking the time to learn from the OG MOMGANG. Each week, one LadyGang host will sit down with their mom for a unique conversation and to answer the same seven questions. This week, our resident momma Becca gets candid with her mom and finds out the secrets to life, the Becca era her mom hated most, and what her mom is most proud of! Check out our amazing sponsors!! LadyGang is brought to you by BetterHelp! Visit BetterHelp.com/ladygang to get 10% off your first month! Great Jones: Need cookware? Get started today at GreatJones.com and get an extra 15% off your first order with promo code "LADYGANG" Huggies: Get your baby’s butt into Huggies best fitting diaper! Huggies Little Movers. We got you, baby! Quote your car insurance at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It's time for a quickie. Podcast one presents the Lady Gang, the Hollywood girl posse with Lady Gang Quickie. Here's Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jack Vanek. Let's make this quick. Today we have an American beauty and icon. She's one of six children who spent most of her childhood in Miami, Florida. She was a bookworm who also had a killer herky. The angriest she ever got with me was when I was 20 years old and told her that being called nice

was code for being called boring. Says a lot about me, doesn't it? Gross. The reason for her rage was not only because I was an arrogant asshole, but for more personal reasons, because she spent her life being called nice and for good reason. But she's the opposite of boring. After high school, she attended law school at Emory University in Atlanta, at that time, one of very few females. and during that time she got pregnant with my sister but instead of dropping out she soldiered on finished her exams and took the bar exam and now that i'm a mother with a full-time nanny and not a law degree in sight i have absolutely zero clue on how she did it she spent my entire childhood and still is practicing law and helping individuals and family families all over the state

of georgia the woman is incapable of lying to the extent that when i missed school her note to the school would read to whom it may concern please excuse rebecca's absence today as she was not feeling well she knew she couldn't honestly write she was sick unless i actually was but not feeling well can cover a multitude of reasons aka she wasn't feeling mentally or emotional well enough emotionally well enough to attend school because she hates it her compassion for humans knows no bounds and she taught me it was okay to be a liberal in the south i've never met such a strong graceful human in my life and i am lucky to call her mom please welcome to the podcast the nice and dynamic Valerie Tobin. Wow, I'm not sure I deserve such an intro. But anyway, I've got tears

in my eyes. That was very sweet. But anyway, I've always loved your sense of humor, Becca. Thank you so much. Well, I get it from you and dad. And I really like when I was writing this intro, I was just thinking, what are the moments in my life where you taught me the most important lessons, even though I resisted so many of them, I would get so mad at you that you couldn't just tell a white lie. I would get mad at you that you couldn't just, you know, be like the other moms and pull me out of school and ride around in a convertible and tell them I was sick. So I still, to this day, I white lie. I didn't, I still have a little bit of dad in me where I still white lie, but I think I'd be a much bigger liar if it had not been for your influence.

i guess that's it i guess i should give myself a pat on the back but sometimes i feel like it would be easier if i could lie a little more easily even with the white lies well we've been berating her my sister and i are her our whole lives so i'm trying to get her to do that sometimes it makes your life easier but you know what you are who you are okay so we're gonna kick off with we have a lot of women who listen to the lady gang who have daughters a lot of them are young mom, young, what is it? Young girl moms. And I want to ask, since you're a mother of two girls, what is the biggest piece of advice you would give the other mothers of young daughters? Well, I think, and this would apply to mothers of sons as well, but I would say,

let them know how much you love them and that you will always love them. Because sometimes we think we're showing that and exhibiting that but we're not and and it's hard when you know your child you know experiencing a disappointment or is being told no to feel like you you know still love them and maybe at the time it's not coming across but at least afterwards be sure to reassure them that you love them and always will despite you know what they've done or what they're going to do. Um, and I think the other thing too, and you know, is as the mother, I mean, obviously with your, your, your daughter, you are the primary in the first, um, female role model for them. So, you know, try to be like the best version of you. You can be, you know, to the

extent that you can do that. And if, if there's things in your own, um, you know, in your own behavior that bother you, um, or, you know, things that you think about yourself that you don't like, um, don't criticize yourself. I think in front of your child, try to work with yourself and, and overcome some of the things that you are struggling with. But like, if you're say struggling with your weight or don't look in the mirror and say, Oh, you know, I look horrible. um i'm so fat um or if you're having a dispute with a friend or something don't just come out and you know basically share every single part of that like we if your child wants to know why you're upset if you're having a fight with your spouse or a fight with a friend a you know

disagreement just let them know that without giving them too much detail and i think that sometimes you can share too much and that's not necessarily a good thing. Yeah. Well, I will say that I never, there was never a time going back to like you being nice to yourself or at least hiding when you weren't being nice to yourself. I don't remember a single time in my entire childhood that you made a comment about your body or the way that you looked, whether you were happy with it or disappointed in it. And so I think that built, I went to Hollywood later, which really fucked me up. So that was, you know, that's a separate issue. But I think if I hadn't gone to LA, I would have maintained the most healthy body image of

most of the women in my life. It really wasn't until I started working on TV that I got like a lot of more, you know, messages from a lot of people and a lot of voices that I should be obsessed with the way that I look, but you really did such a good job and I'll never ever forget it. And you also led by example where you still took good care of yourself. I remember you on so many mornings coming back from a run outside and it just showing me that you took the time for yourself and you were taking care of your body on top of working and doing all these other things was really important for me to see because you just modeled behavior that I just sort of soaked up. And now I went to yoga this morning and I was thinking,

you have to be a parent. And I'm not saying it's all about exercise. This is just an easier example to make, but you know, I'm really grateful that this was just sort of implanted in my subconscious that this is what women are allowed to do is take a little time for themselves, for their brain, for their body, for whatever. So you'd, you crushed it, mom, you know, and I didn't even know you were watching me as I was leaving the door to go running or noticing me when I came back. I did. I sure did. Yeah. But that's the thing. Um, and you don't realize that sometimes that most, you know, of your waking hours, when you're in the presence of your child, you are being observed, you know, you're not just observing them or interacting with them.

They're, they're there, they're studying you. So, um, not to say that you should be a different person, but be the best, you know, best version of yourself that you can be and try to minimize your self self critiquing, I guess is the way to put it. But okay, what phase of mine was the most challenging to witness? I would have to say it would be when your boyfriend Matt died so suddenly, which was, you know, almost 10 years ago, but it was just as a mother, it was just so hard to see your child, you know, just to witness what they were going through. And also I had never experienced anything close to that profound or tragic of a loss. And I, you know, I hoped and prayed that you would get through it somehow, but I also had, did not have any, I felt like I had no

tools no way to really give you any kind of guidance it would just kind of just be there for you help you you know get some professional help to the extent that you would need it and just you know it was it was just really hard to see that and and your fear is that you know such a loss like that can never really be overcome or even close to be overcome and it can affect people sometimes people are affected by you know losses like that you know really in a very negative way for a long long time and you know and i was you know it took a while and and you know you you had so much courage and i had so much admiration for you because you had to face that thank you always as a yeah

sorry but yeah that that had to be and I think you know loss is it's just yeah grief and all that it's so personal and you know I mean I guess I can talk about it now hopefully it won't break down but you know several weeks after that my my brother passed away so I did suffer you know a big loss and that was you know my sibling and you know my um baby brother and um you know he was I was 11 years old when he was born and so he was kind of like I always felt like with my two younger brothers um that I was like the little mother and you know you just kind of just the loss that you feel after that it's just it's not it's not the same as the loss you you suffered but it was also hard to be going through that and trying to help you at the same time. It was a very stressful and

just sad time. Well, I mean, if it makes you feel better, I think about it now. And it's like, even when I meet people or I'm connected to people who have lost, you know, a boyfriend or spouse or something, like even when you've gone through it, you don't, there's like a helplessness. So it's like you just do what you can do. And like what you did was perfect. It's like what I would be able to do for somebody, even though you hadn't experienced it, it's like, I don't, there's like no right way to do it. You were just there for me and you connected me. I remember you took me to your friend who's a therapist. That was like the first time I'd ever had like a professional to talk to in the process. And it later transitioned to Amira who like really did save me. But

you know, it's just, um, you didn't, you weren't overbearing either, but I knew that you were trying to stay pretty close to me and like you came out to visit and you pushed me to get orally and like I think about it now and I'm like I was so out of it by the time it was only like a month later but you were like I think you should get a dog you know you've always loved dogs and Sophie had passed away a couple years before and I don't know like that I don't think I ever would have made that decision for myself because I was such a mess but it's almost like you knew that by having someone to wake up for something to wake up for and take care of and be excited about, like that was a humongous part of the healing. So, you know, you just instinctively knew to do that. So

it was, it was nice. And I think of Orly and that time, and it's really like, she saved me. Yeah. And I know when you were trying to make that decision, I mean, you know, when you were playing with the two puppies that you were thinking about, you know adopting you you know you part of you is I don't want to feel like I don't want to have feelings for these dogs you know or either one of them I don't want to have it I don't want this and so I do not remember this oh yeah you were having yeah you you were going back and forth like do I really want this yeah I don't even remember that wow oh well I mean yeah and you were encouraged by all, you know, your family, those around you, because we do know

how much, um, Sophie had meant to you and, you know, and how close, well, you had been so close to our family pet, you know, Bonnie, our little doggy. I mean, she was your, you know, she was your bed buddy, your, you know, every night from the time you were three till you went away to college. So, um, yeah. Yeah. I wonder if I hadn't, I wonder if I hadn't gotten orally, if I wouldn't have been proven that like, I, I guess my whole fear now that you're saying, and I'm, I don't remember saying it, but I'm, I know that that was my underlying fear with everything moving forward for a while after Matt died was like, I don't really want to connect too deeply to anything again. But I think being a little bit forced and like influenced to

have this dog, it was almost this like proof that I could and that I would, and that it would be okay i mean fucking god forbid if anything had happened to orly i'd be really fucked up but so far there was that there was that incident in the hamptons with her being attacked by ticks oh my god oh my god yes this was only a couple months now but it was so traumatic it was like no god why is this happening this you know poor little innocent pup and she's you know covered in ticks oh god and again you swooped in and you flew straight to New York and you got a hotel room and we camped out in that hotel room with Orly until you know not with her ticks her ticks had been you know figured out but yeah I would just called you on the streets in New York

at this emergency vet I was only visiting there to do a job and I was I will never forget I was just screaming and crying outside of this vet being like I can't handle this right now and then you just flew in the next morning or even maybe even that night. I don't know, but yes, it's, those are humongous moments that I'll never forget. And you know, dad always says like the key to being a good parent is just showing up. And it really is so true. I can't remember a time that I felt like when I needed you, you didn't show up. And so I've, I will never, I'll do that with my kids, you know, it's like, it's no matter how inconvenient or, you know, whatever the case is, it's like showing up and, and just being there. Okay. Now what phase of mine has been

the one you've been most proud of? Well, you know, I mean, I, I've marveled at you and your sister through every phase of your life, um, through each phase of your life, um, so far. And so it's really hard to pick um but in terms of I think probably I could narrow it down to maybe two and I would say the first would be when you um went away to college you know went away to to AMDA you went to um your your dream was starting to come true for you in terms of your your goal since the time you had been like 10 years old was to get on Broadway and so So just, it was just very exciting to be a part of that and to see, I mean, it, but it wasn't easy. You know, that was the whole thing. It turned out it wasn't all, it wasn't all, you know, roses and sunshine and rainbows and everything. Um, it was, you know, it was tough. It was tough to be up there, but just, I guess, getting up there, um, you know, going to see you perform, um, you know, when you did finally, um, get your, your break, you know, during that period.

I mean, just getting your first play, which I think was in Houston after you graduated, you know, just that whole period of your life was was fun. And then, of course, when you got your your your your break, your big break, getting cast in Rock of Ages, that was just yeah, it was just it was very exciting to be part of that. to see you on a stage like basically executing with perfection and all of your skills were just like so incredible and it was like wow this is amazing and just to think that you had so many people that tried to discourage you from even trying to to get to that to reach that goal so I think that phase was you know I was just proud of you for basically your determination all the rejection that you had to take in order to get there. Um, personally, I don't think I could have done that. I don't have that kind of courage. My skin is not thick enough. You just soldiered on

and, you know, and, you know, not to say that you didn't have doubts and didn't want to necessarily, you know, give up at times, but, but, you know, you did it. That was great. Now, and then I guess, you know, the other phase, I guess that I would say is right now, because I think, you know, as a mother, um, your feelings for your, your, your children, and especially with me, obviously I had two daughters, they're so intense and they're really hard to ever describe, you know, in words to anybody. And so, you know, I'm just so proud of, you know, just you and your life that you have with with Zach and Ford and and the fact that you know we can share like with Ford when we're together with Ford um you know that we can share you know those just intense

feelings of love without really having to talk about it just by looking at each other it's like you know he just you know just really it's it's the most heartwarming um life-affirming thing that I think I've experienced as being, you know, a grandmother to grandchildren and, and sharing that with my daughters, you know, the love of our children and it's, yeah, it's, and so, yeah, I mean, obviously, um, I will love every phase, even when hopefully I'll get to witness your, your your um your post-menopausal phase yes oh god sure that'll be a delight for you oh actually the next board as a teenager phase that should be interesting um yeah i'm just even right now it's just so proud of the woman that you've become and yeah and it's

not easy i know to be to be all things to all people you know it's you know husbands i think sometimes struggle a lot when we have young children and but at the same time if they actually put in the time they are getting back so much love from their child that maybe they you know that that that supplants a lot of the maybe feelings of of maybe not being quite abandonment as they used to be important or their needs being quite as important as they used to be their babies. The lady gang. Um, okay. So what is the legacy you hope to leave behind? Okay. Well, I think this kind of goes back to your initial, you know, kind of comments and the intro and I have been I think people have always thought that I was a nice person even

though sometimes inside I think my thoughts were not necessarily so nice but I think my legacy would be that I was a kind person and that I really did my best to see and I still you know did my best to see the good in people yeah and I think that that's you know I mean that I that I was a fair you know that you know as the professional as a mediator and a lawyer that I was hard working and you know compassionate and basically fair and you know that kind of thing yes you know I don't know I don't really want to write my obituary right now anyway everyone hates this question I love it I think it's great it's when you say that I've heard that before i mean i've read that that it's a good thing like um for you like i guess if you're kind

of at a crisis point in your life and you know who are you and where are you going it's like sit down and you know write your obituary like what do you want it to say not necessarily what it would say you know but what would you like that to be so then kind of work toward those being that person or doing those things that you've procrastinated and not done so yeah anyway and is there a life lesson you wish you had learned sooner and this this is I think that's a tough question because you know when when I was younger and raising a family and working and and it was the hardest thing for me to do was to focus on the present I was always looking ahead you know the checklists were there it's like the schedules were there and it's like I think that

would be you know what I wish I had learned was to focus and I enjoy life more if I focus on the present you know I don't have as much stress and not worry so much about the future or the next thing that I have to do just I think and just kind of living in the moment and I mean not to say that i didn't have those moments but i felt like they were fleeting it was it was so hard um and you know you can exhaust yourself with you know your list of things to do and you know even if it's a fun occasion like a recital or you know um yes a school performance an athletic performance you just you're kind of burnt out and you're still thinking okay what what am i what do i need to be doing here? You know, it's like, what are we doing next? What am I fixing for dinner?

It's the curse of being a productive woman. It sucks. It's like, I have friends who I know are so present and present with their families and their kids and their friends, but they're not taskmasters. You know, like they're the ones who come over to my house and they're like, oh my God, your house is so organized and clean and your life's so together. Like I'm spinning out of control, but I'm like, well, it's a trade-off. You know, it's like, I need to take a little bit from that woman and she needs to take a little bit from me, but like, we're just wired differently. Like I, we're so totally different. So, you know,

me and Jessica and you are all three very much wired in the same, same way. So that's a good thing to hear though. Cause it's something that I'm constantly telling myself I need to be aware of and be better at. And now finally, what another one that's, everyone hates this question, not everyone, but, uh, what is the meaning of life? Oh, uh, it's a question for the ages. What is the meaning of life? And, you know, I think, I think I like to kind of break that down here because, um, really what is life other than, I mean, in a basic sense, it's just really the state of being alive,

you know, on, in this world until we die. Right. That's, that's, that's life. And I think, you know i kind of look at that as that question as being more obviously what gives life meaning yeah i think and you know how we are alive um is different for everybody i i don't think everybody is wired obviously the same and i don't think you know i think it's one of those things where in your journey you know you you find meaning and and to the extent that you can you know really appreciate um you know people and you know the people in your lives that you know have made you feel good and and people that you feel close to i think my experiences as a mother and you know a wife and you know obviously as a daughter you know to my mom i mean those

relationships that I've had, um, with the people, you know, that I love, um, you know, that's what's given meaning to my life. And, and also just feeling connected to not necessarily, you know, connected, not necessarily just family, but the connections and experiences that I've shared with friends and even colleagues. And, um, I think all of those things have, you know, given meaning to my life, but it's basically relationships with other people. Yeah. And, you know, also I feel like as I've gotten older, I have a little closer relationship with nature. And so I think that that's given meaning to my life. I have more time to, you know, literally smell the, smell the roses and just really marvel at our beautiful world. And, you know, even look up to the heavens and

the stars and say, Hey, you know, that this, this gives life meaning. And, you know, depending on a person, you know, different things or places or people can give their life meaning. But I'd say number one for me would be my relationships with people. Yeah. Okay. Well, how about you? How about you? What is the meaning of life for you? I have no idea. That's why we're asking our mothers because I'm like, is there a point in your life where you figure it out? Also, this wasn't part of the questions, but I'm just thinking about it. Like a huge part of your life is being married for, are you 40 years yet? 45. 45 years. Oh yeah. Cause Jessica's 41 or whatever for now. 45 years married this year, September. No, it's going to be 46, but yeah, it's going to be 46.

45 was our last year. Yeah. Wow. Um, yeah. So yeah, you're, uh, I've been married since I was a child. You were a child bride. I've been with your father since I was, I mean, you were 15 or 16. Yeah. Yeah. Our first date was my 16th birthday. I had met him a little before that, but our first date was actually my 16th birthday. So, oh my God, there was never a point in your life where you not regretted. Cause I know you had have a beautiful marriage with dad, but I had like a lifetime between being 16 and marrying my, my forever person. Like, did you ever have moments of thinking like, and Jessica's like you, Jessica married her college boyfriend. So maybe you guys just didn't have the need to sow your oats. Like you just

didn't ever think. Yeah. And I mean, you know, he, I met dad when he was at the end of his senior year of high school, he went away to college for two years and we did continue to date other people, but none of the people I ever dated ever swayed me my heart was always still with you know my dad so I mean it was like I I felt I felt very lucky you know that I found um you know my person so yeah not that I was necessarily looking for him but I think part of it too is um you know my parents got married you know my mom was 18 and my dad was 19 and I never wanted to get married until I had finished college, at least, you know, that I knew what I wanted to do, you know, career wise. So, I mean, we just all kind of continued on this path. And actually, dad transferred to

the University of Florida when I went there. He had been going to University of South Florida for his first two years. And, you know, he had wanted me to go to University of South Florida. I'm like, no, I'm going to the University of Florida. It's a better school. You want to see me? You better transfer. And he did. And it was a good move for him too. But you know what I'm saying? It was like, I didn't feel like I had to follow him. I kind of felt like we had to take whatever paths we needed to take. And if we could do it together, that was great. But otherwise, you know, we had independent kind of goals and it worked out. It worked out. You know, sometimes you get lucky. Sometimes you get lucky in life. That's true. My parents were married for 60 plus years. So yeah,

That's true. Well, bravo. Cause I'm only on year. I don't even know what year. I don't know how many years I've been married. 2016. I don't know. Um, but it's hard going on eight years. Yeah. Yeah. It's not easy. I mean, I love it. I love being married. yeah but I think also I do remember because I got married I was young when I graduated from college I was only 21 and I got married that fall and I remember the whole first year I was married I was like why was I in such a hurry to do this because I was still in Gainesville at the University of Florida I had graduated and I was working while your dad finished his last two years of law school and all of a sudden that label of being married it was like I was like a different person like my friends who were still there you know a lot of them it was like well she's married now like why would I want to hang out with her old married lady old married

lady why didn't I just you know get a get an apartment with my girlfriends and then it would have been more fun living in Gainesville because that was not an exciting place to live as a married as a married person. Well, it all worked out. It all worked out. Well, thanks for doing this, mom. I love you so much. And well, we weren't here for a long time. We were here for a good time and I hope everyone had a lovely mother's day month. Cause we're good a month now. Cause we're awesome. Um, yeah. All right. Love you, mom. Thanks for listening. The lady gang is produced by Alex Ingber, Steve Delameter and Jared Monaco. Make sure you subscribe rate and review our podcast and if you love it

share it with your friends on social media like oh my god I just listened to Lady Gang, this episode's so great, swipe up to listen and if you really want to, which we know you do please follow us on social, at Kelty, at Becca at Jack Vanek and at the Lady Gang sign up for our newsletter at theladygang.com and join our secret Facebook group, it's super fun

see you next Tuesday about where to find a deal you know if you sell me something on instagram i buy it whoever markets to me does a fabulous job she talks about the economy we used to joke that'll be the thing to send them to therapy okay we're creating jobs can we look at it that way she talks about parenting these kids want to come home they don't want to leave they don't want to drive they want to stay in the womb let's talk with heather debrow every thursday on podcast one or wherever you get your podcasts.