LadyGang - Tara Schuster

Episode Date: March 7, 2023

One of the most inspiring self-help gurus and author of Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies, Tara Schuster is joining the ladies to share the little rituals that can change your life. Plus, her new book, Glow in the F*ucking Dark, is out now! Check out our amazing sponsors!!! Angi: Download the free Angi mobile app today or visit Angi.com  Stamps.com: Use code LADYGANG at Stamps.com for a special offer that includes a 4-week trial, plus free postage, and a free digital scale! Next Evo: Go to NextEvo.com/podcast and use promo code LADY to get 20% off your first order of $40 or more! European Wax Center: Book your smooth escape with the experts at European Wax Center! Make a reservation today - your first wax is free! Tree Hut: Check out treehutshea.com/podcast for more details! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This episode of Lady Gang is brought to you by European Wax Center. Stay cool, confident, and smooth all season long with the experts at European Wax Center. Book your smooth escape with a reservation at European Wax Center today. Well, what is this? Welcome to the Lady Gang. That's amazing. Say that again. The Lady Gang. Things are about to change around here.

Each week, we catch up with Hollywood's hottest girl posse, Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jack Vanek. hello hello hello welcome to lady gang i am becca tobin here with jack vanek and kelty knight hello ladies hello lady gang what's up i just got some really cute pictures of ford sent to me from the nanny so it's been really hard finding places in our neighborhood to take him why he's still so young because there's not like there's not a lot of places you don't have a park right well there's parks but like indoor so there's a lot of like my little my gyms and

something something like those little indoor play things for kids we don't have any where we live i kind of talked about this on the podcast and then everything fun like music classes and blah blah it's all downtown which isn't that far but it's just pain in the ass we found this one place that he goes to now and it's like this town it's an indoor town and they set it up like a kid town yeah and it's like there's a little vet there's a grocery store and everything is there's a sushi restaurant and there's just little tiny pieces of sushi toys you can oh toys yeah you can eat there may actually be alcohol there they have a little like coffee bar and whatever so she takes him there now once a week and she sent me a picture of him grocery shopping oh my

god and then he put on some sort of a maybe this is the vet coat and jacket oh my god that's so cute what is that a surgeon's cap it's like a surgeon's cap he's doing a little he's doing a little brain surgery this morning and then he's just pushing a shopping cart what do you think ford is going to be when he grows up like what profession is he going into um i think something in something music related possibly okay um just because of his astrological his chart oh the background of obviously myself in music and like zach even though he's not a musician has always like been around the music like he used to produce music festivals and yada yada and then the moment he hears music he literally dances like before he even knew what dancing was you know instinctually

yeah are you gonna teach him like an instrument when he's like young for sure yeah zach already bought him the luge which is a guitar with three strings i think it's called the luge and it's a way for kids to learn i mean he's not learning right now he's one years old you never know but for older kids they now are learning you should ask jared about this on this guitar because it's like you learn the same chords it just leaves out two strings so you're kind of like it's like training wheels on a guitar so then when they they learn it easier and then when they move to a regular guitar they don't have to relearn anything they just add strings oh it's cool i love this oh my gosh i can't wait you could learn you could use the lug jack i might i'm not dexterous enough

i feel like oh well you'd have to cut your nails that's already enough i have slenderman hands i just can't do it it's not gonna happen all right well well it's time for good week yes it is bad week oh no who would like to go first i'll go um i you know how tiktok takes takes takes you down really weird rabbit holes yes and like you end up on some side of tiktok you're like how did i get here well i ended up on the side of tiktok where um i'm now obsessed with the new purple wiggle becca this might be good for you when you start watching the wiggles yes have you seen him i've seen him on entertainment tonight for some reason there are i need to unfollow because it's like it's slander so weird they showed so many videos of him that he's like sexual like he's

sexy he's not sexual i don't think he can be sexual for his job but he is so hot and he knows it and he's all buff and tatted but you wouldn't know underneath that wiggles costume and he and he's really good at his like tiktok transition so he'll be like hot with these like sunglasses on and like a like a sleeveless shirt and then he'll do a little spin and he's in his wiggles outfit that's incredible he's so hot his name is i took a screenshot his name is john pierce if anybody has kids like any mom and they're just looking to like you know spice up get the rocks off from a wiggle because i thought the wiggles were i guess it's not the same people as i feel like you're probably replaceable when you're a wiggle yeah yeah i think there's like female wiggles now but

because they used to be like a bunch of old guys but now hot hot the purple wiggle good week um only jack vanek i'm just letting everyone know only he's that clean you need to look him up and then come back so my bad week was um i recently went to new york because there's this dress company that was offering like a cool collab with me but their showroom's in New York and the only way to try on dresses was to go to New York so I planned a trip for New York over the weekend I was gonna go see some of my friends it was gonna be like a a fun little like getaway and it was just like a series of unfortunate events when I got there one after another um I checked into my hotel and i took a shower because like when you fly you like immediately have to like strip and shower and

wash your hair and because it's like disgusting i go to get in the shower and as i'm like washing my hair somebody comes into my room i hate that somebody opens the door nope as i like as i turn around because i'm like because the shower like you can see the shower from the door as i turn around the door is already closed and i'm like who the just came into my room like housekeeping or something that's why you have to bolt your door dip shit i literally thought about this right before i got into the shower because i've are also gone on the tiktok of ways that people can get into your room yeah like even if you do all the extra locks and i was like i should probably put this little thing up and do the extra lock and i didn't because i'm like i'm

gonna be a few minutes whatever somebody came in my room i had to move rooms i go into the next room or no, they give me a new key. Then my, uh, uh, thermostat doesn't work. I'm at 60 degrees. I'm freezing. Can't get it to work. Three hours later, I have to move into a new room. Doesn't work again. And I'm like, I'm just going to go to sleep. I go to sleep and I wake up at like 3 AM. So nauseous. I caught a stomach bug while I was there and I was sick pretty much the entire time because i was only there for like 48 hours i woke up at like 3 a.m with now the heat to like 78 degrees because it finally started working in the middle of the night so nauseous threw up the entire next day did not leave my hotel room at all and then finally the next day like it was a 24

hour bug i woke up but you know when you have a 24 hour bug like you still don't feel great yeah of course the next day i had a dress try on at like 8 30 in the morning and i like show up to the next place didn't eat or anything and I almost passed out trying on wedding dresses like I was standing there and you know like everything just starts tunnel visioning yes and going black and I was like I think I need to sit down and then I just had to like sit down and my friends were late so I was by there by myself in there by myself so I'm just like almost passed out just sitting on a couch so sad this is depressing my whole trip was pretty much just like you find your dress that i mean i'm on a bated breath if we loved the dress i found i think i found a

dress for a look it's not the dress but it's for a look i mean kelty and i are gonna have our dresses for your wedding i'm ready i already have my shopping list no no no i don't know i was like jeez she's like i'm ready to be the bride i would though uh what if we wore crop tops to jack's wedding yeah i mean i mean i as long as the skirt's long you can wear whatever i love it okay next all right i'll go um good week this is a little bit old but i needed some time for to really discuss it and it's been an ongoing saga as you guys know i met david dobrik yes I loved this your post went viral

so good week I talked about David Dobrik being my neighbor on this show and how he never invites me to the parties so I'm on the avatar red carpet this is in December but there's more to the story I'm on the avatar red carpet in December I see him I'm calling him over

I'm being a crazy person he actually comes over and we talk about it and he invites me over and I was like how can I get in touch with you and he's like I'll see you on TikTok And I was like, well, you know, you have like a hundred million followers. Anyway, so then I post the TikTok fully expecting like some sort of DM on TikTok or something like that.

I get nothing. So then in the process of posting these TikToks, they go viral. I'm so excited about it. I get extreme amount of messages saying we can't support David Dobrik. He's canceled. And I go into the true crime deep dive of like all the terrible things that David Dobrik has done. And there are a lot of them allegedly.

and so in his early youtube days they did some up shit i'm just gonna say they did some really up shit he's since apologized and i believe in accepting people's apologies so like i'm fine but like people were like you can't align yourself with david dobrik i'm like i'm not aligning myself i'm posting a tiktok but anyway you're like i'm trying i don't even align myself with my husband yeah i'm trying to have followers bitch anyway so then this this week i was at another movie premiere who comes david dobrik i start yelling for him again i'm like david come on over and i thought he would walk over because i can see that what he talked about in december was he was building a pickleball he was getting rid of the basketball court which i can clearly see from my

house he's getting a pickleball court does he own this house probably not there's no way it's like a nine million dollars into a pickleball court maybe yeah maybe he does anyway so i see i can I bet he's one of those dummies. I can see him playing pickleball. I can see him playing. And he's playing alone. He's playing, like, against the wall. I'm like, I could be your friend right now.

I need some exercise. I would actually die if Kelsey's like, I can't get on this meeting. I'm going over to play pickleball with David, just the two of you. What do you mean he needs friends? You can't be his friend. Okay. Anyway. No, probably not.

You're nobody's friend. Exactly. I don't even want to be friends with you guys. Yeah, exactly. so anyway i see david and i'm like okay so i see him on the red carpet i'm like david david and he goes i already gave you one oh i thought you wanted to be my friend you invited me over for pickleball and now you're not coming did you invite you over on camera yeah okay well there's your well that was a it's an act yeah it was an act no i know it was an act i'm not an idiot

you know this reminds me of a little bit is kelty when we were at fashion week and we ran into leah and you were like, Oh my God, Leah didn't give me her new phone number. She was like actually offended. We're at this. I know we're at the same fashion week and we keep seeing her at parties and we saw at the Alice and Olivia party and it was like kind of a madhouse and I turned to her and I was like, Oh my God, Hey, you changed your number. And she goes, yeah, I had to. And then just walked away. And Kelsey's like, Oh my God. I was like, I can't believe she didn't give me her number. I'm such a supportive friend. doesn't want to be your friend i know i didn't abuse it but it was like the friend of a friend

thing you know what i mean like she's friends with becca so then i thought like we were friends friend best friends in law yeah yeah but i i never abused it i literally only sent her maybe a text every once in a while when something great happened i'd be like oh my god i'm watching you and it's fantastic like just a nice text but here's the problem kelty not i'm not saying with with leah i'm just saying in general i know i'm impressed with your press there will never be a time where david even is going to be able to hang out with you and not be worried yeah i mean they obviously don't know that you don't you don't give a shit but your job makes it seem like you do no he has nothing to get from you unless he was trying to fuck you no he was definitely not trying

i actually really like i'm so grossed out that he was like i already gave you one like no do you think brad pitt a legitimate star would ever look at somebody and be like i already gave you something would just be like hi and then pretend like he didn't hear you saying come over like that's what taylor did at the grammy she's just like hi good to see you and you're like taylor come over and she's like hi but like she never actually says like she's like oh my god i gotta go i'm late i'm like are you late i don't think you're late um because it doesn't start for two hours okay anyway becca go ahead so my my bad week is that i was on instagram the other day realizing the last time i had posted something was like a million years ago i go to post something

new i have absolutely nothing and i've come to the conclusion that i the dry the well is dry and i am actually done with instagram as well i just i lost my boner completely it is flaccid af just because you're overwhelmed becca you'll be back no i'll be totally she's not a social media girly you never have been oh no no no no i'm not and you know here's the thing is this is this is my issue okay i will post i'll have a couple days where i'm like okay i feel like i can post i have something funny to share like my college karen goes to college like it's been fun content to share the thing that annoys me about it is that people in my life and i think i've talked about this before real people that i know in life will text me on the side about the whole

saga or send me a dm about the saga and i'm like you guys like i'm not asking you for real help this is a problem with my mother you moron this is my problem with my mother too but like your mother's your mother oh you mean like when you post something she like has stuff to say about it yeah i'm like i'm like guys do you think that this pink shag rug is gonna be too much guys i'm obviously not putting the pink shag rug it's too much but i was just playing with the idea and she's like no you're getting the pink you'll hate it forever i'm like obviously that's the thing is that sometimes i want people even my best friends even my best friends sometimes i want them to forget i'm alive you know sometimes i just want to be left alone like cherish my memory think of

me often, but pretend I'm dead and an Instagram makes it so that I'm very much not dead. And so then it's like opening the door for them to can talk to me. And I love my friends and I love everybody, but I don't have the capacity to talk to you all the time. This is your boundary and it's fine. So I've realized that I don't think that Instagram is my place anymore while it is upsetting i until i'm inspired again i can't force anything upon myself so this is not a retirement this is a tom brady retirement i'm sure that i'll be back but this is this is the challenge i face well r.i.p for now it's good r.i.p becca's instagram at becca um it's good that our guest is here today because she's going to help you figure out your emotions okay that's true let's

do it. Okay, lady gang, I've got good news and I have bad news. I'll start with the bad news because that's what we do. Postage rates have just increased again. Good news, stamps.com has the best discounts in the whole industry. 2023 is already well underway. Don't wait any longer to level up your small business and set up for a year of success. Get ahead of the competition by using stamps.com to mail and ship from anywhere you do your business, your home office, your real office, wherever you can do it all there. You can get access to USPS and UPS shipping services to run your business right from your computer. If you sell products online, stamps.com seamlessly connects with every major marketplace and shopping cart. So use stamps.com to print postage wherever

you do business. And all you need is a computer and a printer, and they send you a free scale. So you will have everything you need to get started. Set your business up for success when you get started with stamps.com today. Sign up with promo code lady gang for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a free digital skill no long-term commitments or contracts go to stamps.com click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code lady gang i really am such a huge fan of this brand next evo and i'm so excited we partnered with them on lady gang we've been able to you know try and test out a wide variety of cbd products and i just think these are so easy the way they're in these little gummies it's really hard to be at your full

potential if you're constantly stressed out. And that's why I love their Stress CBD Complex. Next, Evo Naturals is the most clinically studied CBD brand and their SmartSorb technology can get you a better start in this year. The Stress CBD Complex is one of those things where I literally just keep a tiny bottle in my desk drawer and I also have one in my pantry. And when I just get to that mode, like it's hard to explain, but that mode where the anxiety takes over and you feel like there's too much on your plate and you just want to like stamp your feet and have a cry, I pop a couple of the stress CBDs and I just feel like the weight is lifted off my chest. Clinically proven to reduce stress by up to 70% and improve concentration by 50%. Don't just use

any CBD brand. Most CBD products on the market only have a two to 10% absorption. So 90% of it is wasted. NextEvo delivers four times the absorption. Make CBD a part of reaching your full potential with NextEvo Naturals. Go to NextEvo.com slash podcast and use the promo code lady to get 20% off your first order of $40 or more. That's 20% off $40 or more at NextEvo, N-E-X-T-E-V-O.com slash podcast with the code lady. Okay, who's ready to be transported to a luxurious tropical paradise when they're in the shower? I have been doing this lately with our new sponsor of Tree Hut and it is my jam. They are the creators of America's number one body scrub and they just released hydrating gel washes. Let me tell you about these washes. Skin quenching

lather with a long lasting scent. All washes are formulated with hydrating oil complex to plump the skin with renewing antioxidants, rich avocado, kiwi, and orange oils. Great for clearing your skin of dirt, oil, and grime while balancing its microbiome. So all the washes have a matching scrub and the scrubs are made with real sugar, shea butter, and six oil blend that leaves skin smooth and hydrated. They complete your shower routine. They transport you to a tropical place, instant relaxation. You can shop it at Target and Ulta and Walmart online and in-store. So check out treehutshea.com slash podcast for more details today. That's treehutshea.com slash podcast for more details today. Now back to the lady gang. Our guest today is one of the most inspiring

self-help gurus of our generation, a former TV executive who turned her ultimate bad week into the runaway bestselling book, Buy Yourself the F***ing Lilies. She's got a wonderful weekly newsletter, a series of workshops that you can't get into. There's only a wait list available and a brand new book glow in the dark. Please welcome to the podcast. Our friend Tara Schuster. Thank you for having me. Welcome to the podcast. I'm so we're so excited to have you. Obviously we've been internet friends for forever, and this is just so wonderful that we finally have you and can talk about this new book. Um, I feel like everyone in the world has read the first book, like, but I, I do want to talk about your life pre-book and then we're going to get into this

new book, but I think your story is so incredible. And we really bonded because I think we kind of like left our well-known jobs at the same time. So talk us all through this because I love your overcoming rejection story. Yes. Well, first off, just thank you so much for having me. Like I'm a legit fan. So when they said like, you're going to be on, I was like, woohoo, I can't wait. So thank you very much. Yeah. So I guess I'd even back up a little more and say like why any of this exists at all, which was I grew up in a neglected, abusive household where things came to die. It was just like a mess wreck disaster. My parents weren't capable of taking care of kids and they couldn't really learn, which morphed into this really severe anxiety and depression

through my 20s. And I thought the only thing that could save me was a dope job. Like if I could get the best job possible, then like, I wouldn't be such a weirdo because that's how I felt like a total weirdo. None of my friends had family lives like mine. I was so ashamed. I never invited anyone over. I didn't want to talk about it. So I got up my first job actually as an internship at the daily show with John Stewart, which was amazing. And I just want to confirm John Stewart, amazing guy. So there's one good guy left at least in Hollywood. Yeah. And that got me a job at Comedy Central proper, where I quickly climbed the corporate ladder, eventually being in charge of shows like Key and Peele or Lights Out with David Spade. And it was like a magic trick. It

was like, look over here at this shiny, glammy thing that I have. Don't look over here at this quarter century of complex trauma, you know. And so it really was my redeemer in a lot of ways. And the first book, Buy Yourself the Fling Lilies, is all about how I built stability, little ritual by little ritual, like learning to write thank you cards to express gratitude, which I didn't even know was a thing. Like coming out of my childhood, I was like, what would I be grateful for? Like for real, what would I be grateful for? And so I forced it. I like forced myself to feel gratitude. I forced myself to do little things like make the bed, which seems so small, but actually what I found is that those little rituals over time

change your whole life. And so that's sort of what, where Lily's left off is I had found stability. I'd overcome a lot. And now I was sitting on my good enough plateau. That's the backstory of it so much, the good enough plateau. And then, and then I got laid off everybody. buddy. It's March, I guess, of 2020. And the place where I'd spent one third of my life, which when people introduced me, they said, Tara Schuster, Comedy Central, like it was my married last name without much ceremony was just like, bye, you're cut. And I went into a total free fall panic because I only knew myself as defined by someone else. I only knew Tara Schuster, Comedy Central. And since it was the pandemic, and there was, you know, chaos, disorder, I'm

single, I lived alone, all of the sudden, the deepest traumas that I never thought I could overcome, came bubbling up to the surface. And I entered this weird panic attack, doom spiral state of life. And I just decided, okay, I know what I'm going to do, I'm going to hustle more, I'm going to find something really meaningful right now. I'm not going to reflect. I'm not going to stop. Just go, go, go, go. You know, like that was my my operating system. And so I Googled what can I do to help in the 2020 election? Because that seemed like the most meaningful thing I could find. Essentially, the first search result was you can help in Arizona. So I packed up my my Prius of Zoom, got the Vitamix, got the books that I was never going to crack open, moved to Arizona.

And like, yeah, just like that within, I'd say 48 hours, I was just like, bye. And it was on the road on the way to Arizona where I had a full blown dissociative episode, which if you've had one, you know, I could see my hands on the steering wheel, but they didn't look like my hands. They they looked like they were floating above my body. And I felt like the color green, like all my insides could come up at any minute. And I felt like, wow, this is dangerous. I'm actually now in a dangerous situation. I'm going 95 in the Mojave Desert. I need to pull over. And I was like, wait, pull over? Whoa. For the first time in my life, I need to stop. I cannot overwhelm my way through this. I've got to stop. And that was really that was the

beginning of this book was realizing I can't hustle myself to health. There's just it's just no way you know, I can't beat myself into this. Yeah, so that's, that's what happened after Lily's. Wow, Jack, didn't you have a something similar happen to you and that you got engaged? didn't you say like you disassociated from your body um no i well i had a disassociative state but it was because i um was like on the brink of exhaustion and i smoked a lot of weed and uh passed out while having sex and had a panic attack and then i had one oh yeah right right i knew you had one i couldn't remember when it was a little bit different a little bit different a little bit different okay so you just wanted to tie the ties together what you just said about you can't hustle

your way into health yeah because there's like something with what's happening in the internet on the internet with social media and this crazy wellness yes world and all of these mostly women just hustling every day showing us all the things and this is the powder and these are the seeds and here's the supplement and you got to do this and you got to do it like there is so much just energetically so much mania and like you feel frantic because you're like okay i'm gonna go on amazon i'm gonna order this thing and then suddenly you're like why am i more exhausted and that's true it's like because you never pull the go over there needs to be like a gentleness about healing yourself or getting healthy that i just had never really the way you said that

so beautiful, which probably is because you're such a great writer, but that's so important to point out. That was probably my biggest takeaway in this whole thing was you can't overwhelm yourself into stability, mental health, enjoying yourself. It's just not possible. And there were so many things about myself that I rejected. Like, like, and I've had readers say this to me, like, I hate my anxiety. I hate my depression. I hate this part of me that's needy. We have so much hate for ourselves and that's never going to get us to healing. And so for me in particular, I felt so ashamed of how lonely I feel. I still feel very lonely when I'm in a relationship, when I'm with friends, it doesn't really matter because I was so alone so much of my childhood.

you know, one of my first memories is just wandering up in the canyons of Brentwood, like crying, looking for adults because there was nobody, you know, and like, that's kind of my first memory. And so I always rejected that as like, oh, I'm so weak to be so lonely. And it wasn't until I did a lot of work and particularly started learning about this kind of therapy called internal family systems that I learned, wait a minute, that lonely little girl actually did a really good job. Instead of playing with matches, going to the pool, which was unguarded, I went and looked for help. I was really, really smart. The people who should carry the shame are my parents and my babysitter and anybody who had left a five-year-old in that

situation and so now I'm like thankful for that loneliness that that went out and like the only reason I'm a writer the reason that like Kelty you and I were like DMing I love connection I love being with people I love feeling other people's feelings would I have any of that had I not been lonely so instead of pushing stuff away like I don't want this loneliness it's like wow what's the beauty in my loneliness? What has it given me? What is it trying to give me? Before we get, I mean, it's so amazing before we get into the new book, I do want to ask you something about like leave, leave, leaving your job. And then the start over phase, because we see this all the time within our lady gang community, especially in our, our secret Facebook

group that it's like the other getting out of a marriage, they're the same thing. So many people are getting laid off right now. There's been so many cuts and this is like places that people have worked for 20 years or 10 years, or even if it's just a few years, like it's so, you know, people are like, Oh my God, you work at the, you know, uh, whatever family, your family at work. Well, you're not your family. It wouldn't treat me this badly if I, you were my family, or maybe you would, if you were your family. But, um, you know, I just, I just wondered about like those moments of like, obviously you really struggled at the beginning and then you kind of were able to pull yourself out. Like what, what were you saying? And I want people to feel less shame

about like them being really upset when these things end and having to start over? Totally. I was devastated. I thought I was worth nothing. I had affixed basically all of my self-worth to my status to, you know, and I'll admit it, this is not like a flattering thing about me, but I thought I was like a fancy executive, glamorous Hollywood, like, yay, what could go wrong? And to have that pulled and then to immediately start wondering, wait, are the people that I used to talk to going to pick up the phone anymore? Because I can't buy a TV show from them anymore. So is this all going to evaporate? And I had thought of my colleagues as my family, like so much so that my direct boss was my harsh dad and my boss's boss's

boss was my loving dad. And I was always like, you know, ping ponging between them. And I'll never forget. I, I was once called aggressive at work, which I'm just like, please no. Like, even if you think that don't call a woman aggressive at work, it just, there's too much packed into it. Um, and so my harsh dad said, you're too aggressive. You're too urgent about your deals. So I decided, okay, well, this is like my family. They know best. I'm going to be more amiable and nicer. And I brought cookies to work and I made meetings more fun. And then I was on the treadmill at Equinox because I'm very basic in that way. And I see my harsh dad has called me.

I'm like, oh, man, this is my time. Should I really pick up? I pick up. I, you know, I put my feet on the, you know, those black bars and then the side part. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Side part. So I put my feet on the side part, pick up the phone and he tells me, you know, we're talking, we're talking.

He's like, yeah, I just want to let you know, you've gotten some reviews that people think you're disingenuously nice oh my god off i was like what do you want from me like what do you want from me so i was like oh the service is really bad i gotta go put my foot back on the treadmill forget it's on get thrown back into a row of other treadmills burst into tears this like craner picks me up like a baby and puts me on that stretching table where it doesn't really look like they're stretching you know those ones where it's like what's going on inappropriate what are you really doing but it had a physical impact thinking of my job as my family thinking that it was everything really it messed with my mind it messed with my body um and so to like answer

your original question i felt horrible i felt like the key to me the reason people thought i was cool it was gone and I at that time my lilies had just come out so I had a book that was successful I couldn't enjoy that for maybe one year for one year I was just let me do interviews I'll do that job yeah yeah like desperate like thirsty for anything instead of hold on I have a pullover moment you know like hold on I have this book that's doing well life is not a disaster I have a question so what happened like what was your first step when you did pull over like you had that realization you're actually physically on the side of the road like what was the next move well it was not to drive until I stopped the dissociative disorder and then I got back on

the road made it back to Arizona and my first move was just do nothing like stop stop hustling stop doing, do nothing. I napped a lot. I let myself be really depressed, like full on Fiona Apple, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. I just sunk into it. And when I came out of that, it was just step by step back to dry land. It was, can I wake up? Can I brush my teeth? Oh my God, I brushed my teeth. I'm a superhero. Like I went all the awards. It was piece by piece. And I think the, the, then the most important ritual that I brought back was journaling because, you know, and every, oh my God, everybody's like hashtag journal prompt hashtag, you know, like journaling will save your life, blah, blah, blah. I don't know about that, but it gives you self-awareness.

Like it gives you perspective. So pretty immediately I could kind of see like, whoa, I have been spinning, spinning and my emotions aren't dangerous because I can see them on this page. Like they're not attacking me. I'm fine. I'm safe. And I think a sense of safety is always probably the first step in recovering from trauma is just feeling like, you know, the floor is solid beneath you. And so I've worked a lot on, on finding safety, um, as really the first step. I feel like so emotional when you're talking about this, cause I feel like this tears to my heart and I literally made the same thing. I mean, I've always been a journaler, but when I went through the similar thing. I just made a mantra, like I'm healthy, I'm safe, I'm loved. And I used to just

think it a thousand million times a day, whenever my like soul would be like, you're nothing, you're no one, no one's going to pick up your call. No one gives, but you worked so hard. And now here you are. Like, I would just feel like absolute track. And at this time we have one of the most successful podcasts in the world. There's a very similar situation where it's like all these other things were amazing, but like, because of this hard, hard rejection and whether that be a divorce or a job or whatever you're dealing with in your life or a breakup or whatever, like nothing mattered. It took me down to zero and I would just be like, I am healthy.

I'm safe. I'm loved. I'm healthy. I'm safe. I'm up and tricking myself into believing that that was all that mattered because my real brain was like, that's not actually all that matters. Like what really matters is your status here in Hollywood. Like, but trick yourself for a while.

And then eventually with a lot of therapy and a lot of work, I started to actually believe that. So, um, I think it's just so interesting what you're saying. When we come back, we're going to get into Tara's new book, Glow in the Dark, because I'm ready to glow. Angie's list is now Angie. And I'm so glad that they are partners with us on this podcast because y'all, you need Angie and I need Angie. And they've made it easier than ever to get all of your home projects done right. So if you're anything like me, you've probably bitten off more than you can chew. And if maybe your dad is not in town or your husband is not handy and you need

some say for me right now, wallpaper hung in your powder room and you really want to get that project done, but you don't know anyone that hangs wallpaper. You can just use Angie and find all kinds of things. They literally have someone that can help you with every single home project you need. And it's so easy. They really are the best. I mean, I've been using Angie since it was Angie's list. They have over 20 years of home service experience and they've combined it with new tools to simplify the whole process. So you just go bring your project online or the Angie app, answer a few questions

and Angie's gonna handle the rest from start to finish. You can see ratings and reviews, compare quotes from local pros and connect instantly, which means you can cross all those things I'm gonna need you to do list off in just a few taps. Because whether it's routine maintenance, like getting your gutters cleaned, which I just remembered I need to do,

or a dream remodel, Angie is here to make it easy. So get your next project done with the help of a pro from Angie. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. when you're in control of your, whatever you're waxing. I just feel like the products are amazing, especially for the ingrown hair serum. It's just so awesome.

European Wax Center is all about unapologetic confidence and so is the Lady Gang. You know what I mean? We love them so much and spring is the time to start springing into action and starting to feel good again. And that all starts at European Wax Center. Book your smooth escape with the experts

at European Wax Center. Make a reservation today and your first wax is free. That's right. Your first wax is free. You're listening to the Lady Gang. All right. So we have this brand new book, Glow in the Dark, Simple Practices to Heal Your Soul from Someone Who Learned the Hard Way. So Lily's ends with, you know, this sort of like you still had the job and you were just kind of like doing your childhood. Where does Glow in the Dark pick at. Okay. So what I realized after writing lilies was that my whole life had been a reaction to

trauma. Like every choice I had made was emotional whack-a-mole to fill in some other, some deficit that I thought I had. And after I was stable enough, like, I just want to be so clear that I never thought I could be stable. I had much less happy content. I just thought I was going to be in an emotional slingshot for the rest of my life. So I'm like stable. I'm on this good enough plateau, which means I have a good enough job. It's not perfect. Like there's something else calling to me. My relationships are good enough. They're fine. But I felt this yearning to know, like, who am I? Is there an essential self? And if there is, did I fuck her up so badly that I'll never be able to hear from her again, you know, I had no trust in myself. And so the

journey of glow in the dark is to find your glow, like to find your essential self. And I, I really hate in self-help books that are like, find joy, like find peace. I'm like, cool. What are steps one through five? Like, what does that even mean? And so in this book, I'm a super practical person. i took notes in a google doc the whole time i was trying all this stuff i'm hoping to give reasonable low cost in english maybe even funny ways that all of us can kind of find our essential selves which sounds so cheesy but like it's possible and why not but it's like basics i love it well and i think that that's like at the end of the day when you when you have everything is gone the job or the relationship or the friendship or the whatever you are left with yourself and

then you're going through all this therapy I've been through it myself where I'm in therapy and I'm like I know that I'm supposed to be connecting with myself I don't know who the f**k she is I don't know who she is without all these things I don't even know if she's still there like you said or if I f**k her up beyond recognition so I it sounds cheesy but it really is like the baseline for just life being a human and, and thriving. Absolutely. And I hear that a lot from people that they don't know how to trust themselves and do they have an essential self? And one way that I really tricked myself into this. Um, so when I was on the side of the road going to Arizona, it was nighttime and I looked up and the stars were out and it looked like a frigging star field

to me. Like, I don't know how to describe it. I felt like an enveloped in stars. And maybe that's just because in LA we can see no stars. So it's like, Whoa. Yeah. Sky. Wow. And what we know about stars, what is science is that we are made of stars. This is not like a cute saying on a mug. I don't have this printed on my wall. The carbon in your muscles, the iron in your blood is from stars. And when I realized that I was like, Oh, no matter what I do, essentially in myself, there is something good because no one ever looks at stars and say, Oh, they didn't finish their to-do list or like, Oh, they have, they're not enough. Right. We like generally agree that stars are awesome. Like they're amazing. Stars are great. So one thing I really

had to work on was just reminding myself of that scientific truth and and that way you know when people say you're already whole you're already good I hate that because how do you act on that how do you make that real for yourself so instead I know I'm good because stars are good and stars are in me and that was sort of step one you know what Kelty was saying about you need to kind of lie to yourself. It was repeating and repeating and repeating, even when I didn't believe it, something that I could hang on to. Well, I love this. And I just want to read, um, a couple of the chapters, like, cause there's, there's so much in this book. We couldn't get to it all today, but I love like, um, this, some of these, these chapter titles and they really tell you what it's

about. So she goes, um, in my next life, may I be the dude who has never heard of imposter syndrome? I promise you are not a fraud. And then, um, mission to Mars, please stop calling your colleagues, your family. Ask, uh, ask a question, listen to the answer. Communication, hot tips, the hot rabbi deal with depression before it deals with you. And this is one I wanted to, um, talk about. It says body gratitude. It's time for the love of God. It's time. Yeah. What is this all about? So I like, I'm willing to bet almost every woman alive. I've really struggled with body issues my whole life. Um, when I was a kid up until college, I just thought I had these like matronly boobs that like, just were like this flesh attached

to me that made me look like so unattractive. And I just felt like the word dumpy. I, I had no pride in my physical self and I actually only ever started working out as a tool for anxiety. And so in Lily's, I write a lot about how running, I do it for my mental health. It doesn't, I don't care really about losing weight, that kind of stuff. No, it's for my mental health. And once I started to feel good enough in my body, I realized, you know, there's this whole debate. I'm just so tired of it. Like body neutrality, body positivity, but I don't want anyone else talking about my body. That's it. I don't care what you think about my body. And what I think is I'm grateful. I woke up today. I am grateful. I have lungs. I am grateful that my legs still

work. I am grateful that I have skin that protects me. And so when I start, you know in the book I write about, it was the pandemic and I needed goals, you know, cause I wanted to do stuff And I was like, I'm going to get abs like this is my number one thing just for once in my life for like 10 minutes. Can I have these abs? And I got a trainer on Zoom because pandemic and we were just like going after it. And I was counting my macros and I was working out an hour to an hour and a half every day and no abs were appearing like none. And I would wake up in the middle of the night dreaming of bread, like just being like, oh, I just need carbs. I was the most miserable. I was the most toned, but it was the most miserable of my life. And I didn't get abs. And so finally, I just gave up.

And I told my trainer, Vlad, I was like, dude, I don't have anything else in me. What's the deal? He was like, actually, it's really hard for women to get abs because that part, you know, there's protection for your reproductive organs. And I was like, why didn't you, he just took your money at the very beginning. And so after that incident of truly like every night at the refrigerator, 2am staring into it, wondering, should I, should I not? I was like, you know what? I gotta, I can't do this anymore. I've got to feel gratitude for my body. And I faked it. Like when I feel bad about something, like my tummy. I hold it. And I say, you are divine. You come from the universe, like all the stuff that's

true. Like my body is divine. That's just truth. I can't, I can't, uh, outthink my way out of that one. So yeah, that I hope if you woke up today, I hope you can feel a little bit of body gratitude. I love that so much. I have written about kind of body image stuff in our two books and I really resonate with the fact there's like a thing that I had written about how your body is not made to look good in a bikini pic at every angle it's like your body your stomach is supposed to hold your organs so you don't die and your heart is supposed to keep beating and your legs are supposed to make like allow you to walk and your arms are supposed to allow you to like hug your mom and that's kind of the mantra that I've had to keep telling myself because I've gotten lost

in the spiral of social media and comparing yourself all the time so i think like every single girl in the entire world and woman would resonate with that unless you're an actress we're actresses we still want you in a bikini exactly actresses guess what they want your legs to walk you around but they also want them to look nice if you want a job so i'll go myself well i um all right becca you're healthy you're safe you're loved no i know no no no but you know no it is it there is there's a level of hollywood that is and it's horrible a terrible what a terrible terrible scourge you know much like your your conversation about like oh you're too um aggressive and then like you're too fake nice it's the same thing like you know it's like you're

you're too tall you're too short you're too fat you're too skinny you're too kelty you're not enough kelty like it's it's never ending i do want to ask you before we go you talk a lot about little rituals in the first book and in this book um and like one of the things that you said in one of these chapters about meditation was like find your anchor um and so i'm just wondering if you can like talk about, cause you say rituals and I'm like, I gotta get the sage and like some esteem. Like what are your, the hustle we're talking about? Yeah. Yeah. I buy everything on Amazon and I need to get a, you know, I get, I gotta get a ritual book. Like I gotta make a room. Yeah, exactly. I need to move. I need to go to the forest. I need to quit my job. That's

totally what i do so what are your hut i literally need to get my hut um what are your daily rituals and like how simple can they be and what do they look like yeah i mean first off i want to reclaim the word self-care because it has been co-opted by candle companies and sheet masks and a vacation to hawaii i want all those things are great and if you guys we all want to take a group trip to Hawaii. Awesome. Not one of those is self-care, not one, you know, self-care is taking an honest accounting of your emotional life and bringing yourself the nurturing you need. So it's like necessarily you can't buy your way to self-care. It just can't happen. And so for me, paying attention to how I feel is one of the most important tools I have because up until a couple

years ago, I didn't have a vocabulary for how I feel except bad, sad, tired, good. Those were the four ways I could describe the beauty of, uh, of living on planet earth. And so in the book, I actually, I made an emotion wheel so that I could actually see like, am I sad or am I disappointed? Am I grieving? Or like once I looked at the emotion wheel, I was, I felt like I was really sad. I was on the verge of tears, but on the sadness side of things, I was like, huh, none of these words work. And then I got to joy and gratitude. And I was like, holy smokes. These are tears of gratitude. I'm not sad at all. Oh my God. Hallelujah. Like sometimes I really just don't know how I feel. So I think my very, the most important cheapest tool I have in my toolbox

is journaling so that I have any kind of perspective so that I have a safe place and a totally chaotic, unreliable world, that journal is reliable. It will be there. I can return to it every morning. And now to really just pay attention to how I feel, it really, it's kind of shocking how much that can help your mental health. And then I take it one step further is when I find a feeling that doesn't feel good, like that I'm trying to reject the loneliness instead of reject it, I just say, all right, I notice my loneliness and I take good care of my loneliness. I'm always reminding it. I notice my loneliness. I take good care of my loneliness that I'm just not going to reject myself all like, because the world will do that for me. I'm not going to be a part of that

game anymore. Everyone take a deep breath. Well, this was a delight. Yes. I'm a little bit of an emotional basket case, but the book is so fantastic. Um, you can follow Tara on Tara Schuster.com. Um, and the same on Instagram, her new book glow in the dark is out. Um, it's, it's so, it's so wonderful. And there's a lot of like really good, useful stuff in here. Um, and so I think everyone's going to love it and we wish you all the success in the world. And thank you for spending time with us. And I think we all feel a little, like a little hug from you, which is so nice. Thank you. And thanks for opening up to me too. Like, thank you. It feels good when people tell the truth, right? It just feels good. Kelty doesn't cry in podcasts and

she cried today just so everybody, I know it really hit me. It really hit me. Well, Well, I think you guys are very much like cut from the same cloth where you thought early on the way to fix the things that you were traumatized by as a younger person could be fixed with the cool job and the status and the, you know, the shiny things. That's like so normal to like gravitate toward that. But you guys both wanted that. You also both can hustle. so it's like a great thing but sometimes that comes crashing down and you both had that experience and you're both i didn't know tara before but i do know kelty before and after i like this kelty a lot better million times million times we've always loved her but this

is this is our favorite kelty and it took her going through a shitty shitty experience and having to like really truly grieve this is so beautiful oh i know isn't it the best i love lady gang i love you back i love jack okay um go buy the book we're gonna tag it too yeah congratulations we're so excited for you and we will see you next tuesday thanks for listening the lady gang is produced by alex ingber steve delameter and jared monaco make sure you subscribe rate and review our podcast and if you love it share it with your friends on social media like oh my god i just listen lady gang this episode's a great swipe up to listen and if you really want to which we know you do please follow us on social at kelty at becca at jack vanek and at the lady gang sign

up for our newsletter at the lady gang.com and join our secret facebook group it's super fun see you next tuesday