LadyGang - The Bitch Bible's Jackie Schimmel on the LadyGang - Ep44

Episode Date: October 3, 2016

The Bitch Bible's Jackie Schimmel brings some serious sass to the LadyGang! She also brings plenty of feud (with the likes of Kylie Jenner and Chad the Bachelor), lots of fab love (for Mariah Carey and Teresa Giudice), and a little bit of snark (for Gwyneth and Goop). And wait till you hear the prank call she pulled on James Kennedy of "Vanderpump Rules." See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey guys, it's your Lady Gang, Jack Vanek, Kelty Knight, and Becca Tobin. Thank you so much for subscribing on iTunes, and thanks for supporting the great sponsors who make it possible for us to have this much fun with you every single week for free. Well, what is this? Welcome to the Lady Gang. That's amazing. Say that again. The Lady Gang. Things are about to change around here.

Each week, we catch up with Hollywood's hottest girl posse, Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jack Vanek. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the Lady Gang. For those of you who have not listened before, I am Becca Tobin, actress, now blogger plus blogger because of the LadyGang.com blog, if you haven't been on it. Woo, we're so successful. You're late to the party, but we still love you. Across from me is Kelty Knight, TV host, also blogger, and I'm going to give the fun fact about kelty that she and i first met when she was singing oh mickey you're so fine at a new

york city audition i did not get that job she didn't did you get that job i i almost got that job okay you were closer than me your story of my life to my right jack vanek clothing designer extraordinaire of jack vanek and i met jack for the first time over emails when i was asking her for free shit and she hooked me up i did she was very nice um i don't have a fun fact this week because our episode is so exciting that i can't even concentrate of what's coming up we don't need fun facts i know i'm psyched about this okay so in that case it's time for good week yes it is bad week oh no kelsey would you like to start oh well okay good week i saw john stamos again he's so cute he's so cute he's so hot forever he's gonna like yeah he'll be hot when he's 85

and he always makes me feel like i'm so crazy like i am but he's crazy no for sure but like he's a sex addict or something i don't know i would be if i were john stamos totally oh but He, like, one time I was interviewing him, and he just stopped the interview. He goes, you know, these are some really good questions you prepared. And I was like, ooh, he, like, really is that, like, bad boy that breaks you down to make you fall in love with him. The game. Yeah.

Anyway, so I took this picture of John Stamos, and I was really excited about interviewing him again. And I tagged him in the photo on Twitter, and he retweeted it. He did. Oh, my God. Isn't that so nice? I thought you were going to say he asked for you to take it down. No.

No, it's my good week. Okay. And I felt like, he's like a lot of followers, and I felt like, oh. Did you gain a follower? Probably like one or two, but then I lost five, so whatever. Anyway, I think it's always nice because I. It's so good. The fact that you know that.

Listen, in my job, I post a lot of pictures with celebrities, and no one ever retweets me. You know, they're always like, why is that girl so thirsty? Yeah, well, but it's my job. Those celebrities don't retweet you. No. Do you ever retweet people that you interview with? I don't ever take selfies with them.

Oh, okay. You're the only person out there taking selfies with celebrities, and that's why you're Kelty night thank you yeah it's what we love about you it's your sparkle my bad week is so bleak so i've decided i've talked about this before a little bit on the podcast that this my 34th year is the year of me really figuring out how to be an adult because i've been struggling i'm really good at certain things in life and i'm real bad at some so i decided that i was going to go to therapy and i have been i went to therapy with my husband before we got married to like get prepped for being married. Like, are we good? And I went through a bad breakup and I also went to therapy

back then, but I decided, you know what? It's time. I'm going to do this self care. I consider it self care, not crazy care. I'm like, I'm gonna do this self care. So of course the day I'm set to go meet my therapist, I am so happy and joyous and I'm in such a good mood. And it's the world. It's like, I'm walking on rainbows and I was like, you know what? I was wrong about me. I don't need to go to therapy i'm perfect i got this handled then i get in bad traffic i'm 30 minutes late for my appointment i cannot find that i'm driving around the block block 60 miles an hour can't find a parking spot i have to park 10 miles away i'm running in my athleisure wear down the street hysterically crying on the way to therapy and i was like i was wrong i really do need this therapy

and i show up at the office and i'm like a sweaty athleisure with a sweater mask and i was like i'm so sorry i'm late and i was like oh my god that's it it was bad so you need therapy did you feel better after therapy i felt less sweaty oh my god wow bad bad week it was bleak so anyway we'll see if i can get my stress control under control i'll keep you updated keep let us know jack how's your stress jesus um my stress is okay is that too bleak i mean no it was real it was real it was relatable kelty and that's why people love us relatable gal okay my good week you'll like this one becca i can't wait i don't know why this happened to me but i was on in a little k-hole of stalking bethany frankel oh lover and i was in love you girl i was on her twitter

look at looking far back and she posted a tweet that is so relevant to the lady gang the word relevant is so overused that it is becoming irrelevant yeah and one of our and one of the lady gangers actually tweeted us and showed us that did you get that yeah i've been meaning to talk about it but i thought i'm like that is so relevant it's so relevant to us bethany come on the podcast she'll be a perfect fourth person she would be so good a lot okay my bad week so i'm sure this probably happens you guys probably happens to a lot of people i get very constipated when i travel i can't i can't go number two regularly so i was visiting scott recently and i was not pooping correctly so i was like okay you know smooth move tea little x lax

all the black coffee in the world that didn't work smooth move usually makes me sit on a toilet for like three hours so i'm like this sucks i haven't pooped in like four days and so i'm on the plane coming home and i'm like well i haven't pooped yet so i'm just gonna order a coffee on the plane i ordered a black coffee black iced coffee get on the plane i was in a window see i'm just like sipping on my coffee explosive of course the second that we start putting our seatbelts on to take off it's like that's the time that's the time it's gonna come no and i was just sitting there and i'm like oh my god dude this is gonna happen i'm gonna poop my pants as an adult sitting on a plane next to somebody oh my god so bad so we finally like get up to cruising

altitude they turn off the seat belt sign the person next to me is dead asleep i can't wake them up i have to climb over them pinching my butt cheeks together as much as i can so i don't like let one loose chat on that person's lap i would i would just did you make it barely barely i've never been when you have to poop in an airplane i don't know if i've ever pooped on i don't think i have see i like well i grew up going to warp tour so i've learned to go to the bathroom in porta potties like i can go anywhere so i have no problem with it so but i gross i almost pooped my panties gross oh all right can i just tell you something though you should never drink the coffee on airplanes it wasn't on the airplane okay what about just don't drink the

hot water or any of the water products that don't come from a bottle on airplanes because it comes from a big tank in the airplane that they refill and then they bleach out with chemicals every day my flight attendant friend told me that i don't know one time one time they forgot to take the chemicals out and she was pouring coffee and it was like just the coffee with the chemicals mix oh my god it's really dangerous so don't drink the coffee on airplanes oh my god my future children are gonna have like 17 heads um so my bad week it's a very poo centric good week bad week um my bad week is so we have for the first time in my life i have a backyard like a little back courtyard and it's so exciting because i have a dog and i'm like finally i'm

giving my dog the life she's always deserved orly you're welcome orly you are so welcome living like a queen she is and so i'm like on cloud nine and i'm like letting her out and she's doing her business and there's no put a leash on her like it's great it's all fenced in well zach came to rain on my parade and he was like can you start picking up the poop in the backyard and i'm like what i was like it's a backyard she's pooping in the back that's what dogs do and he's like well no because then when people are back there and we have people over they're going to be stepping on it and the and it's just it's gross to have like a really pretty backyard and then dog poo everywhere and i'm like so you're telling me that this was all a scam because 50 of the

reason i bought this house was to give my dog the life she deserved and and for me to get the life i deserved so that i wouldn't have to pick up poop anymore poop anymore you're a pooper pooper pooper scooper pooper scooper yep wait so is she pooping on the grass part or she's pooing she has a little like little grassy mulch patch no it's not even on the courtyard like it's literally there's no walking that's done yeah you got to pick that up but it's there's nobody walking there i know but well tell zach the animals will come so now i have to go into the bathroom it's like it's extra steps now yeah that i have to like go and pick it up and throw it in the toilet how often do you need to clean it like once a week no every time every time oh zach no

i know he is so ocd it's insane okay so that's that's my first story okay my good new past time my good week is also about dogs i was about poop no i was at the dog park and i go like maybe once a week with orly and i like make friends with like the dog walkers i love them and all the regular dogs and i'm looking over into one section of the dog park where it's like larger dogs and there's dog walkers and then this one woman's there with her really really big dog like i don't know what kind of a dog it was and the dog was humping like the another larger dog and usually everybody at the dog park when that happens like they just push the dog off and they're like no no you know like don't do that this woman proceeded to get on her dog and hump

it and hump it because what oh my god i didn't think you're gonna actually say that and she was like how does it feel how does it feel you don't like it do you you don't like it and i was like oh my god this is this was in public this was gold yes did you snapchat it i couldn't i was i was so shocked i was i couldn't decide if i was mortified or like so highly entertained that i i couldn't decide if this was my good or my bad week but it was good because it was the most insane thing i've ever witnessed was she wearing mom jeans she was in like very um how do i put this without offending choose your words carefully becca toba androgynous clothing I thought you were going to say.

There it is. There it is. Okay. Wow. But like, wow. That's insane. All right. Well.

You win, actually. I win. You win with your good name. Finally. What's coming, Kelty? Oh, well, we're very excited about our next guest. We might hump her. Okay, what's going on?

Now, here's the lady gang. You guys, our guest today is probably the most on-brand guest we've ever had. This is true. Because we've had really nice gals come by, and they've had to kind of get sassy with us, but instead, we're going to get schooled in sass today. She tells it like it is on her podcast, her website, her videos, and with major mentions in Us Weekly, E!, The Daily Mail, Allure, and a whole bunch more that I couldn't write down.

She's just a little bit more popular than us, and that's basically why we invited her, because we want to sit at the cool kids table. You asked for her on our secret Facebook page that you should go join right now if you're not on it, and you got her. the main bitch from the bitch bible please welcome to the show jackie shimmel that is the nicest intro i've ever gotten ever she is so good it's like a blow job for the podcast let me just warm you up jack oh my god yes i feel are you warm amazing okay i'm still erect before we get deep in to gushing about like talking about celebrities because this is truly what i want to dish with you

on. I do want to just mention that you are a self-made woman entrepreneur at the same time. So before we get onto like all the sassiness, you hear that dad, I'm going to play him. But, but listen, like, you know, we always are talking to actresses and musicians and people are doing the Hollywood world, but I think there's a lot of our listeners are like, wow, I could start a blog and start a podcast. And I have an interesting topic that I'm interested in sort of building a brand around. So how difficult has it been? What is your piece of advice for that? Um, okay. My best advice is to be very, very self-aware and understand that so many people want to do this and it's such a small percentage. It's so luck-based. You could be slaving away

all day, every day, writing amazing posts, providing amazing content, taking the photos, doing the whole shtick. And sometimes it just doesn't matter how hard you're trying. It's just not gonna go. So if you have something that's very specific, go for it, you know, and explore plan b's and c's and d's and e's because it's really hard and it's just kind of a luck-based thing i feel like i got in right in the nick of time before everybody started wanting to do blogs and writing posts and doing instagram and all that stuff so i think i like just made it in time yeah it's also important to be sort of ahead of the class a little yeah and take some risks you have to know what you're good at and like you know just try not to be delusional with yourself

Here's the problem. Like, you can never, no, but you can never go get a regular job now. Oh, no. They're going to be like, what did you do last? And you're like, I wrote a scathing review of the Taylor and Kanye, like, problems on my blog. Like, you know what I mean? I'm so screwed.

I can never go into, like, the corporate world. I actually started the blog while I was in a corporate job and they found it on the server. Oh, no. Where were you working? I was working, like, at this stupid temp investment bank and I just took a temp job because, like, i needed a job because the show i was working on got canceled and then um i did no work there like absolutely nothing i yeah you're working on your blog i was working on my blog i was the worst employee but they wouldn't fire me and i have no idea why i tried so many times because

i wanted to get severance i wasn't gonna quit not a quitter and then i would just like wear a bluetooth around it wasn't even plugged in i would watch real housewives on my laptop it was the best job ever and then they were like you need to delete it and i was like no bye so then you quit and then i quit no severance i was like operating a small business on the side super sketchy yeah side hustle let me ask about something that's really got me riled up oh your fight with kylie jenner oh explain to everyone what went down and how you're feeling about it now where Where are we at with Kyle's? I've had closure.

I went on a Kardashian cleanse for, it's been a long time. I try not to talk about them, but I talk about them every single week, unfortunately. You have to. I talk about not talking about them, which is the same thing. So I, she put some picture on Instagram. It was like the same day of the Nepal earthquake. We're talking like two years ago. Yeah.

Something like that. I don't know. I don't keep up. It was September 1st. first it was a chilly tuesday morning and i just took a picture of her picture and i wrote some stupid like caption making fun of her because she's like posing in her backyard with a chicken wing like i'm always so hungry and i'm like oh there was just like a natural disaster like self-awareness okay like like where is your publicist telling you that you shouldn't be

like posing with tapas when there's like people dying on the other side of the globe like get it together girl and so i just posted something about it i did not tag her i did not at kylie jenner her because i'm did you hashtag kylie jenner i think i might have hashtagged kylie jenner was this on instagram that you know that bitch checks her hashtag that's the best part of the whole thing that she does she is trolling and can you imagine how many hashtag kylie jenner's That sounds exhausting. I mean, I would definitely do that. And that was before, like, the top ones would come up first.

Like, she had to search for it. She was looking. Then what happened? So then I take a shower, put a hair mask on, and I get out of the shower. I had, like, 55 missed calls. I'm like, oh, my God, did somebody die? What happened? Like, am I in trouble?

And everyone's like, oh, my God, did you see Instagram? Oh, my God, Kylie, Kylie, Kylie. And I was like, what the F? and i go on my instagram and she like wrote me this scathing comment and said that i was the downfall of our gender what and just like schooled me was this on the best photo that she said this it was on my photo of her she left you a comment oh my god but it was a paragraph did you screenshot it of course it was the best thing that's ever happened to me you were the downfall of our gender yet she's like 12 and has had like every facial surgery thank you right right yeah that's

incredible i actually love when the kardashians go on like a feminist kick oh it's hilarious i'm like are you serious right now like you cannot pull this off there are other platforms that maybe you can like spearhead but feminism i'm sorry yeah yeah that's not gonna that's not gonna not really yeah the queens of photoshop queens with a k please so where are you at now with your friendship oh we're best friends i saw her actually and but she does she know who you are yeah i would like to think that she does she definitely doesn't i doubt it no but i sat literally this close to her like at this deli in calabasas and she walked in and sat down and i swear to god i almost shit my pants like i had to leave the table i couldn't eat my fiance's

looking at me like are you having like a seizure or something because i was just i couldn't look because you were scared that's the thing about the kardashians i will say this are they scary you in your head you're like i know what the kardash are and then one comes close to you and you're like oh god they know all the things i said about them oh my god and they're so severely contoured and they're like wearing these high heels and i'm like oh my god it's exhausting to wear a heel i know how do they do that stiletto all day and not if that's your only job come on you could definitely i can make that work and get your face they don't even beat their own faces They sleep, and their alarm goes off after their faces and their hair are done.

No, I've seen that before. They do a laid-down application. That's my dream. That's my dream. Okay. I know you love reality TV. Oh, I do. So do these girls.

It's so good. And you know what? It's not a guilty pleasure if you don't feel guilty about it. That's what I always say. I don't feel guilty at all. I don't have any guilty pleasures. It's fantastic. It's my own fault.

So I want to know who everyone's favorite reality star of all time is. Oh, my gosh. Kim Zolciak. Oh. that's a really good one why becca she's amazing she's incredible wow she's like so self-aware but she's also just such a mess like but like in the she's smart but she's like she kind of has it together though that's the thing it's like she's so smart that she shows that she's a hot mess but like really she i don't know i can't explain it it's just this crazy phenomenon oh that's good

um probably chad from the bachelor is gonna be my recent fave because he is i have a story about insane oh please tell me tell us right now we're in a twitter war yes he said that i was he tweeted me and said that i was i said something about that i would never have sex with him because i never would because obviously he can't even like clear one centimeter from his lower lash line to the top of his beard like why does he have hair on his cheekbones i know it's the weirdest thing i've ever seen like his whole it's like a wereman he's a werewolf yeah he is like a werewolf so he tweeted me saying um don't worry that would never happen i'm out of your league you're a six oh my gosh and then he said jackie schimmel has a wiener

no way are we in fifth grade this is amazing i didn't respond i was responding quite a bit what did you say i don't even remember i was like responding to like strangers like eggs Can I tweet him now and ask him what he thinks that my rating is? Please. Yes. Please ask him. Please. Please tweet him right now.

You'll be like, I heard that you said that Jackie was a six. Jackie was a six. What about me? What am I? Yeah. He'll probably just send a dick pic. What's his loser name? Here's hoping.

It's like the real Jack Johnson. That would be great for the blog. It would be great. Who's your favorite of all time? My favorite, ooh, it'd probably be a tie between Ramonia, because I count them as one human, Ramona plus Sonia, because I am obsessed with them. Aren't they amazing? They're like Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

They are. They're the best. So amazing. And I really love Vicki Gunvalson. Okay. I have a fun fact. What? I went to elementary school with her daughter.

She's like my best friend. What's going on with her thyroid? She is your best friend? She was growing up. Do you have her number? Yeah. Will you give it to me? Sure.

Wait, what are you trading me for that? Chad's dick pic. Perfect deal. And we've done it. Okay. What is the reality star that you would sleep with? Mine's Ethan. Well, he's married, I think.

I always had a big crush on Ethan from The Survivor. i know but he was my like celebrity real do you remember ethan who's no zayn zayn it was like many survivors ago like late 2000s he had the long were you aroused by his like wilderness cancer later oh he was like a volleyball player is it because he's hot or you feel bad for him no he was he didn't have cancer till later um he was cute he was my favorite oh my gosh i don't really watch reality shows with men in them they're all the housewives that's the only ones that i watch so what's housewife oh wait remember laguna beach in the hills oh yes jason stefan stefan no well actually now that i'm thinking about it it used to be

steven yeah but actually brody jenner oh it's like brody jenner's still hot he is so hot except in personality yeah i totally agree like so cute but you can tell that he just thinks he is so great and so famous i think his brother is super hot too what's his name brandon oh brandon with the pony with the pony i like it like an artsy like i'll paint you a nude well it's kind of like my my musician love is just never dies what's yours um it'd probably be like a house husband who's gotten divorced oh because i don't want to go with shannon bedore's husband he is a fox no he's not you don't think he's cute his eye contact is so intense like i absolutely not absolutely not is it like one of those people that looks like he's like staring into your soul

it's like a little a little megan's law it's very intense eye contact i'm gonna get so much let's talk about megan's husband jimmy does he hate her and throw darts at pictures of her face yes I think he hates her she talks about their baby and he's like I don't know if it's editing but she's like isn't it crazy that in a week I'm gonna have like our baby inside of me and he's like huh I know it's so sad because she's so pretty and so sweet I know I love her I hope it's editing and maybe he just hates being on camera which I hope understand yeah um what do you think of Teresa going to jail did you read her book um I haven't read it yet but I'm definitely going to i love theresa big time i love theresa and it made me sad when she went to jail i was

very free tree you know do you think that do you think that joe will do well in prison because theresa came out with that hot yoga body like could joe get it together no joe oh physically yeah like no could you see joe get it together in prison joe is gonna lose it they're not gonna to be together when he's done no right no i don't think because it's a year longer yeah no i don't think it's gonna happen oh he's like in there for four or five years yeah it's a long time she's gonna find like a hot bazillionaire who loves like just a kind of girl or like a really hot young bus boy yeah like a ricky martin yeah yeah but before like 24 yeah where's a gold chain like Ricky Martin in the Living Da Vida Loco video.

My claim to fame when I was on Broadway, we went to this bar opening, and there was an adorable hot busboy that was half my age. So at the time, he must have been 13. No, he was like a child. He was a child. His parents probably had to drop him off there, and I got so wasted, I proceeded to give him a $100 tip. Oh my God.

Wow. That's how we're thought that story was going to go. So I'm going to be like Teresa when I'm old, and I'm going to go pick up hot busboys. I'll go with you. I'm into it. It's good. yeah yeah they have good biceps totally okay jackie when we come back we have a special game we've prepared just for you now back to the lady gang okay so since you are the ceo i was gonna say

she but i know how these basics don't like that term she oh did you make that up no i took it off like sophia morose's super with it obviously um anyway since you're the ceo of the bitch bible and the bitch bible podcast we're gonna play a game called bitch or ditch oh i love so the b is when you like something okay and the ditch is when we're done with it and everyone plays okay you ready cool robin black china ditch ditch ditch ditch ditch ditch it has a lot of dishes do you think they'll get married no do you think it's his kid yes i think so do you think she did it just to spite taiga like is she's so mad at taiga and her breaking up and then him going with kylie that's such an incestuous that she was like i'm gonna get back at you and i'm gonna

prey on the weak little rob kardashian what a sad revenge baby daddy i mean rob with his socks like really she could have gone somewhere out like maybe she could have gotten someone that wasn't famous but was like cute no but it's way better if it's so close it's in the family like chloe is she ruined she she like inadvertently ruined the relationship that's so true you know yeah she's smart as shit no i think she's really smart yeah i think it's smart anyway what do you think of them ditch oh okay i mean yeah ditch i would not be baby yeah i know oh ditch just the sex is like mortifying to me i'm like i'm just think about it i'm like oh and it's like it's like a whale yeah a wet whale okay um bitch or ditch pussy bows um what what is that it's like it's

the bow like oh it's like on a blouse oh a bitch you like it yeah i'm into that okay bitch not for me but i like it on other people i don't know because you can't show your babies off with it i know i can't i personally like it but every time i wear one like something bad happens so oh really men hate a pussy bow oh yeah it's too fashion-y it's way too fashion and then it's like culottes yeah oh i love it if you wear a culotte and a pussy bow oh no done it and also red lipstick at the same time guys are probably like yeah bye it's like man repellent yeah get out of my space but you look so good i know all right uh what about mariah carey oh bitch bitch bitch bitch i think she is so ridiculous i love that she wears pantyhose with an open-toed heel i love that she

only will sit on a certain side i love that she has to bring in her own lighting crew i think it's amazing and ridiculous and i never change mariah i agree she's like a she's like a train wreck but but a good one yeah the photoshopping incident a while ago where she posted a photo of herself like looking great and then a paparazzi shot from the same exact time place everything and it's like it's like mariah carey and her ugly half sister oh no i need to see that it's the worst thing ever oh my god i guess yeah you can't really do that jack yes bitch because i just wish i had that much money to do that it's amazing i can get away with it so i know and nobody can really talk shit on her i feel like it's like because mariah there was a time when mariah was not thinking straight

it was the nick cannon situation yeah there was a time where i was like mariah you're not seeing yourself for the beautiful butterfly that you are spread your wings and you are with nick cannon who is a nice person but like she's mariah cara maybe like you know she went out and she did it right after she was like i pushed out these babies and now i'm gonna get my james packer and this big diamond and i'm gonna have my you know she has her own yacht and his yacht is like across the sea and she takes her boat to his yacht every day and then comes home to record on her yacht that's the best thing i've ever heard in my whole life like not only i what are we doing wrong i don't be doing that not only like i'm gonna go stay on my fiance's yacht like no no no mariah has her own

yacht his and hers yachts that's it i don't even have his and hers okay what about this jessica simpson just came out with a new line for her um shoe line she's doing workout shoes now and they're all animal print okay um i need to see a picture before i decide for this one i'm gonna say ditch just because haven't you made enough money i mean come on now you're gonna be like the new jillian michaels i mean for someone who fluctuates a lot I think that there's a different go-to venture. Maybe she's not the spokesperson. Right, right.

Athleticism. I always enjoy, which is fine, neither am I, but I'm not coming out with an athletic gear line because that would be ridiculous. Self-awareness, once again, it's important. I love animal print if it's leopard, even if it's fake, but then you also have to include zebra print, and that I can't stand.

It's aggressive. That's a good point. I only like leopard because they always do it in two prints, right? Yeah. And one of the prints is not good. I can't remember the last time I saw something that was a leopard print that looked like nice and classy. That wasn't just like from Charlotte roofs.

That's true. It's very real. How's my zoo in New Jersey? I think we're all ditching this. Yeah, it's over. Okay. There's been a trend this year of grown women wearing cornrows, Richard itch. Okay.

Oh, wait, sorry. No, I'm just hijacking your whole. No, go ahead. Please. I, all I wanted as a child was cornrows. like obsessed with cornrows i went to fantastic sam's for my 12th birthday to get cornrows because i have i'm jewish and i have like a serious jew do and a cornrow just seemed like the best thing in the whole wide world because it was just maintained it was out of your face i'm going

bitch i mean i'm never gonna wear them because i'm not chloe kardashian but i respect what they stand for i mean as someone who sported them regularly same in my younger years i'm gonna say bitch but not for my shaped face yeah Becca and I had the exact same experience as a 12 year old child of getting them in Mexico oh of course mine was at the Atlantis in the

Bahamas though oh that's so fancy very elegant mine was in Tijuana to be honest mine was at like a time sharing Cabo I guess it just slowly made its way up to LA yes to Calabasas where the Kardashians

are we were spearheading The truth is that it's finally made its way to white people. But, you know, I'm glad you said it. I was ahead of the curve. Yeah, I guess so. But people have been jacking that style. Although people did ask my mother if I was half black when I had cornrows. No.

Swear to God. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Wow. I mean, I don't see it, but I like that. I wish someone asked me that.

I was very flattered. It could be good for your career. Much better than right now. White on white on white. So what? What does it tell it? Okay. last richer bitch Gwyneth Paltrow is there another Stefani Gwyneth Stefani um oh this is

really hard for me to answer because I'm very anti-goop like she really really bothers me to the core of my being um when I want to lose weight I like go on goop.com because my heart rate increases so much i'm i'm gonna say i did not think that was going there i know it makes me really upset like very upset i'm gonna say ditch but you don't find it entertaining oh no i'm obsessed with it but like in an angry way yeah that's exactly how i feel really i just can't i can't be a hypocrite and say bitch because i've just voiced such strong feelings opposed to her and like everything that she stands for yeah it's a little pretentious it's like like hatred lurking that you just look at it because you're like damn it i'm so pissed but i'm gonna read this

article anyway i don't know i love it because i think what's only she's only trumped by one kind of worsery what is it which is like cruelness no close becca it's the people that are filthy rich and like sons of daughters of like other filthy rich people and they try to like act like their regular girl oh that's pretty that's worse because when i think she grew up in beverly hills she's like of course she has yeah of course she has nine thousand dollar meals like because she doesn't know anything else so she's just being herself she's just being gwenny she's just being gwenny but what's worse is the person who tries to pass it off like i'm just like normal i i love tj maxx no you don't no you don't you never went to a tj maxx i buy olive oil at tj maxx the

struggle is real thank you i'm pulling up i brought zach into tj maxx home goods and i was like this is my favorite place i love it and i walked in he was like this is where people i can't say it i'm allowed to get america can hate me but they cannot hate him okay anyways on another note my friend did send me this quote that gwyneth paltrow has said once upon a time oh stay open to meeting new people i met some of my greatest friends while they were delivering equipment for my terrarium oh my god okay i'm changing it to bitch i think i just fell in love with her that is insane she's a terrarium what is that every rich person has a terrarium what's a terrarium it's one of the frogs yeah it's like a snow globe but for plants no it's not yeah they're fish no

it's plants yeah it's like a little is it heated in a different ecosystem just i have i have a couple yeah they're like glass bulbs well hers is probably like a glass room hers doesn't sound that fabulous to be it's fabulous they're pretty rich people get it for sure it's like how big is it well they vary could you sit in it some that are like very small no you can't sit in a tree wait so you buy a plant that you have to put a box over no you know you buy an orb it's okay okay everybody just google google terrarium really upset but her terrarium is probably a room yeah oh she probably has a zen garden that she sits in inside my terrarium is this big it's as because you're poor mine's like this big because i'm like she's a little bit more rich than you

after those three residuals yeah okay and i don't have one at all i did watch sliding doors last night and she was a great actress i don't even know what that is but remember that oscar dress the pink one never forget i can't forget it that's her dress and julia roberts black and white but i like julia roberts but how do you get those dresses that are so iconic like no one else can you say like remember jennifer lawrence's dress like no no but it was a different time like years from now no the oscars last year were so snoozy i don't feel like anybody's gonna remember anything from today there's too much it's too embarrassing too boring yeah okay it's too basic all right when we come back it's our like a lady question and um we're gonna get a little bit bitchy

the lady gang all right we are back with jackie the fierce woman behind the bitch bible so the like a lady question of the week is what is the bitchiest thing you've ever done i'm not going first i'm not going first either becca you go i'll go well everyone knows my peeing in the purse story that's i've told that on the podcast before so it's a close notes cliff's notes becca peed in a purse i peed in a poland springs bottle and then i dumped it into a girl's purse oh good for you yeah i like that i mean this is a tough one for me was there too much to choose from in your terrarium of ideas there are so many to choose from god okay kelty kelty go well i'm a very nice person i want to say that first so my here's what i think

um i've done that is possibly considered that like of course obviously like insane mood swings aside like that's a whole different level we can't talk about hormone yeah i'm not talking about a hormonal pms like just regular bitchiness i'm talking about something you did nasty deliberately deliberate nasty is like i had one time someone say to me like a big some a big important person say something about someone i was working with that i kind of was like a little jealous of and it was like really bad and like it was something that like normally i would just eat it and be like oh this person hates this person whatever but instead i like started seeding it in other important people's minds like you'll never believe i was on the airplane to wherever

and i sat next to wherever and you'll never believe what they said about whatever whoever and I thought that I felt guilty I still feel guilty about it all right that's like the weakest answer I've ever heard in my whole life oh you said you kind of talked bad about someone that you don't really like that you work with whatever that's like the nicest thing I've done in the past um okay this is really bad and I I never feel guilty because I really think about things before i do them but this was not so nice i um on my podcast we prank called dj james kennedy from vanderpump rules oh my twice god twice the first time we called him we asked um we said that we were throwing a party can we do it right now what it's not allowed it's illegal unfortunately

otherwise absolutely so what happened okay so first time we did we said we were throwing my engagement party and we wanted to see if he offered a DJ service but also like a busboy service so he could like play music at the party but then do all the dishes because he's a busboy. That was the first phone call. What did he say?

He said no, that he doesn't bus anymore. He doesn't do dishes. So we're like, okay, if you can't give us the combo pack, we're out. We're going to have to pass. The second phone call. Trying to get a deal, dude. That's not a prank call. It was a genuine question. Because you would have hired him if. That was an inquiry, for sure. That's true. No, the second

one was the worst one we this is when he was on vanderpump rules talking about his music and pump sessions and he's the white kanye west and all of that shit so we called him pretending to be a representative from lachma which is the art museum and we did this fake voice and asked him if he would do an exhibit featuring his music and we would give him like a fifty thousand dollar budget it and he could do light installations and curate a whole exhibit because we're trying to bring in a younger audience his life was made it was like a 15 minute phone call we got in way too deep oh no and then i was like we gotta stop we gotta stop but my cousin was the one kind of i yes so what did he say did he agree to it he he was so excited like beaming oh my god you could hear

it over the phone i was like oh my god oh my god like we're in too deep we're in too deep and then he was like okay that sounds amazing i've got these great vocalists i have all these ideas i want people to see a new side of me you owe him a show i kind of do i feel like i need to personally fund an exhibit at lachma and we could never air it because it's illegal to air you know to record thank god because he'd be so embarrassed you'd be in jail well i'd definitely be in jail but i mean It would be a great story, like an amazing story. And you'd get your, like, jail bot on. So, wait, you just did it for fun?

Kind of. But you taped it. We taped it. I mean, we just thought the first prank call went over so well that we're like, oh, my God, we have to do this again. But did you air the first one? Yes. And then you got in trouble.

You got, like, a cease and desist. We got in trouble. Yeah. But you got a hand slap. I got a slap on the wrist. And a legal letter. And something. And then we did it again.

But we don't, you know. You didn't air it. Yeah, we didn't air it. But you will when you're 99 years old and you're like, it's my last day on earth, and I would like to show you something. And everybody else. Once he is the white Kanye West. Once he is the white Kanye West, then I'm going to sell it.

Oh, you sell that to TMZ? Oh, yeah. Make a good million before you die. But meanwhile, then I look like the biggest asshole of all time. Yeah, but you've already talked about it. But you already admitted you are an asshole. I know, and I don't regret it, because he's kind of terrible. Yeah, I know.

There you go. He's not a nice guy, so I don't care. Okay, step it up, girls. I don't even know what to say. went from not good at all to very good i have i have nothing that's gonna ever compete with that you've never been mean i mean i was mean when i was like in junior high i did like burn books and stuff like that oh you did oh yeah like like does everyone get their own burn book or is it a collective burn you make one burn book and then each girl gets their own page and then you pass

it around and everybody writes like the shittiest thing about that that's so mean oh that is your own page yeah i had a page in it did people write mean things they call me like anorexic and oh that's kind of a compliment thank you i was like thanks i am i wish someone would say that about me that i went to college with when was on big brother a couple seasons ago and we were like acquaintances in college but like not super close but i guess in like a interview during big brother she talked about how we went to school together and she's like becca tobin from glee and has a total eating disorder i was like are you sure thank you so much that is so nice wait she said this on tv on television and i got all these tweets from people being like oh my god amanda

from big brother is talking about you and i think she said something like i couldn't sing or whatever and i was like newsflash no one could but she was like really the anorexic part or the eating disorder part was really fun and i'm just gonna add in that don't write us mean emails about us celebrating anorexia no we get it we're joking chill everyone calm down calm down psa kelty calm down i can't take it there's not a woman on the planet who has not thought about what they're eating before so we all have a little eating disorder good night good luck and seen becca okay here's the thing and we're back being bitchy and here we are i mean the thing with me is i i know everyone thinks i'm like this huge bitch but i'm like robin hood i really feel for your yeah

you're being bitchy to the rich stick up for people so like i didn't get let into my senior prom this is actually a horrible story um i was 18 and it was senior year and there was this asshole kid like one of those real pricks you know like real pricks and i bringing it back to eating disorders i had a friend who i danced with in school who went through like severe anorexia like was hospitalized um like bad so she came back to school and she got healthy again and she gained the weight back looked normal not even like overweight she was a ballerina right this a-hole went around talking about how chubby she got oh my god yeah and how like she looked so much better blah blah blah blah oh my god so i got stoned and drunk in the limo on the way to the

prom from the dinner and i knew i was going to see him there meanwhile i'd already been kicked out of this high school but i was going back to the prom with a friend i like that about you thank you it's a little complicated so i call him and i leave him the most threatening message i've ever left and i was like if i see your face at the prom i am on my way like i was a dick and i think i i threw in a lot of derogatory things i was a it was bad so i get to the prom i'm I'm so stoned. The, like, director, the administration, administer, what are those people called? Administrator?

Administrator. Oh. He was standing at the door with his arms crossed, and he's like, she can't come in. Oh, my God. That's amazing. He's like, she just called and left a threatening message on another student's. This pussy brought his phone to a teacher and was like, don't let her in. so i had to sit in the limo while my friends were partying inside of the prom where is he now do you

know on broadway oh you know who you are anyways so then it gets better the week later a week later my parents get something in the mail i had already been kicked out of the school they put my voicemail on a cd oh my god mailed it to my parents and my mom slips the cd in and she's like becca and i come running down the stairs she's crying and she's like and the letter is like i understand your daughter no longer goes to this high school anymore she's already been kicked out but as a parent i thought you should hear this oh my god wow sticking up for the anorexia girl freaking robin hood i'm with you on that i feel like i'm robin hood yeah i get a lot of shit because people think i'm just you know don't filter myself and say whatever i feel no

which I don't apologize for, but I root for the underdogs. So do I. Boom. And speaking on that note, you're going to want to take some advice from Jackie and Becca today because I feel like they're reared up with life lessons. So when we come back, it'll be time for Ask the Lady Gang. Hey, ladies. Funk it.

Ask the Lady Gang. Okay, so since we obviously want to listen to more advice from Becca and maybe a little bit of book already. A little request from Jackie. You're going to help us answer some of our users. What is this, 1995 with the AOL online? Hey, I still have AOL. So do I.

Do we have an AOL email address? Are we soulmates? I think we just became best friends. I'm out. It happened. No one wants to be friends with me. It happened. Well, you can't even be mean.

I can barely be mean, too. That was the saddest excuse for a bitchy story I've ever heard. It was really disappointing. You've never been more Canadian. And the thing is, Kelty made up this question, And so she had time to think about the answer. That's what you came up with? That's horrifying.

Jesus Christ. But aren't you lucky that I'm your friend? Somebody has to be nice, though. But aren't you lucky I'm your friend if someone talks shit about you? Call them again. I don't have a CD player. Leave a voicemail. Becca's leaving that voicemail.

Yeah, I am. Jack, before you start, you know what you should do? What? Just not to be the mom of the friend group or anything. But you should remind everyone to go to our site. To our site or my site? Yeah, because it's beautiful. no not your site to our site jack am i self-promoting myself or us right now us first

okay yeah everybody should go to theladygang.com because we i want you to with feeling the feeling again jack again three two one what's so great about theladygang.com we're blogging bitches and if you guys want to send in your own blogs you can be part of the lady gang site you can write for us and maybe jackie will write us a be like a memoir oh my gosh i would love to i want it i would love to be a guest contributor yeah we need some like like cred oh i would love to yeah i've got lots to say hell yes you can tell you can do a blog on what you really thought about us yeah wait i didn't ever send the text to chad asking him but i was thinking if i should say hey chad maybe we should take a picture and then you should do it again will you rate the lady gang

yes please i don't know if i can take it please tell tell him to unblock me too please because i did nothing wrong he blocked you well i didn't respond i was being very very elegant and classy and i was like you know what i'm not stooping to his level but then i found out that he shit himself on live tv and so right before i went to bed i was like oh by the way chad shit himself on tv i win bye and then he blocked me there you go all right jack okay well i need to self-promote myself before we start so if you guys want 20 off jackmanic.com use code lady gang at check out and get yourself a sassy mug i brought you one that's for you thank you oh my god i love this oh my god i get presents i'm coming back next week so cute i love this thank you you're welcome um okay you're

ready to answer some questions yes some advice oh yeah okay our first question comes from cj and She says, all of my friends are getting married and engaged. I'm 26 years old and have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. You're so young. He constantly reminds me how he doesn't want to get married or have kids. Run. I know. But that is something I really want, maybe not right now, but in the future.

I love my boyfriend to death, but we want different things in life. I'm scared if we part ways, I won't find anyone better, and I don't want to start over with someone new. Girl, run. Run. What are you doing? You're wasting your good years. Go. You're 26, and I'm going to be honest with you, at 28, it starts to fall apart.

I'm talking about your face and your butt. So you've got two years to start over and find someone new. Lay the foundation. Get on it. Hurry. Only two more years of jean shorts. I'm 29. I still wear jean shorts.

Ugh, gross. Yeah. Get out of here. Whatever. Anyway. I think that we've talked about this before, but it's like when you're 26, you think you're so old and you think you have it together. You aren't.

But you're so freaking young. I'm 26. Are you? Do you think you have it together? No, not at all. Do you feel old? No, I feel like very, very young. Good.

You seem like you're way more mature. Not more mature. Oh, my God. Really? That's so nice. I'm pretty sure she's been tweeting with Chad from the past. Yeah, I was in a feud with Chad from the after of Paradise. No, it's true.

I mean, come on. I take it back. Yeah, no, I'm not. I just think that these are the things that make you get divorced later. You know what I mean? Like, you can just maybe like different ice creams and, like, maybe want to go to bed at different times. Maybe be TV incompatible, even.

Right. But, like, your life plan is important. I mean, marriage and kids are, like, the two fundamental things of a relationship, if you want them or not. And you're going to be so, CJ, you're going to be so sad. Because when you turn 28, 26, 27, 28, 30, all of your friends are going to start getting engaged and you're going to start attending their wedding. They already are, she said.

That's what she's saying. Oh, yeah. and everyone's gonna turn to you and say when are you guys getting married and he's gonna embarrass you in front of everyone and be like we're not and you're then people start having children and you'll be like your ovaries will start exploding and you're gonna be sad like i think the kids thing is really gonna hit her later too because it's like when that starts happening and then your biological clock is true and it's like that is something if you want it now and you know you want it now he's not you're gonna really want it later and that's true that's a huge

issue it's not the guy for you at 26 i didn't even like think i wanted children and now if i see a baby like i would sit on a fire hydrant if it could get me pregnant legit yeah something crazy happens yeah the biological clock is real oh no for real i never wanted kids and then i look like when i see little we saw a little adorable baby oh my god overalls on a child do you think all children are beautiful no no oh okay that's good i thought because you're so nice that you'd be like, they're all precious gifts. No, no, no. This kid was adorable.

You guys, today, I'm sorry, I keep sidetracking. I have so many good gems today. My sister knows someone who named their daughter, middle name, Khaleesi. Wow. That's kind of sick, though. That name, except for... Back of your face. That's awful.

If you love Game of Thrones... That's child abuse. That's weird. Khaleesi. That name is, like, going up in the charts, though. Yeah, there's going to be a lot of Khaleesis. There's going to be a lot of Khaleesis. Oh, my God.

I went to school with a kid named Harry Wong, so I'm pretty sure that that's worse. Holy shit. Literally. Harry Wong. Oh, my. I'm thinking his parents did not speak English. Oh, he was Jewish. No, I'm just kidding.

Okay. On that note, our second question comes from Jackie. I wrote this in. Is this you? No. What if it was, though? How amazing. So I could, like, prepare myself.

Yeah. You write all the questions in. Please, God. A good friend of my boyfriend is getting married this fall, and I wasn't invited. I know weddings are expensive, but do I have a right to be kind of pissed? I've been with my boyfriend for almost five years, and we live together. Is this a wedding guest list etiquette fail, or am I overreacting? I barely want to invite her to our wedding now.

I know a lot of people, when they're doing their wedding list, they say, no ring, no bring. Oh, I like that. Oh. Yeah. It's catchy, right? Sorry, CJ. Burn, CJ. So, I think it depends how close you are with the couple.

I think if you're, like, vacationing with this couple and going out to dinner and you weren't invited, that's a little strange. But if you don't really have a relationship and you think that you should solely be invited because you're dating your boyfriend, I don't – I think, you know, let it go. It says good friend. Do you want to hear what we did for our wedding? Yes. Yeah, I was a total asshole. I'm putting this out there. Maybe this is your story.

This might be my bitchier moment. okay so my i had a very small wedding and my rule was if i don't know both people you're out so like if my good friend i've never met your boyfriend your boyfriend's not coming and it actually in the year and a half before we were engaged before the wedding it made us like up our social life because i was like oh i really want your boyfriend to come but i've never met him let's get dinner you know what i mean and it was like an easy fix but i didn't want to have to meet anyone well hi it's so nice to meet you while i'm wearing my wedding dress like i'm not doing that at all zero percent yeah um and then if you were dating less than a year you were out

oh like you know what i mean long-term boyfriends fine or girlfriends fine yeah and we knew them fine but like if you were dating someone it was less than a year you're out i'm into that yeah what are you gonna do for your wedding um i would like to keep it really small so i think if i don't have a relationship with the girlfriend or the boyfriend like if i haven't been to dinner with you and i don't have your number like if we wouldn't text yeah you ain't coming yeah it's amazing when you plan a wedding everyone has like a dollar sign on their forehead and you're like are you worth three hundred dollars yeah no no you're not no you're not all right our last question comes from ashley and she says how do you stop being so insecure about yourself and life

and finally achieve being comfortable in your own skin let me know when you find out i have no idea oh my god that's like the deepest question i i'm not comfortable what becca why don't you tell everyone about the mirror story today that you wish you could have snapchatted this will sum it all up when i looked in the mirror after jack left my office oh my god this will sum it all up here's the answer to the question like so i took a photo of me and jack on instagram and we were like standing together and whatever looking awesome looking cool flawless so i don't really know yeah so kelty goes and looks in the same mirror oh no and she's like why can't i be cool like jack it was like it was like it was like a toddler and i looked at her and i was like

why couldn't i have had my camera out to capture that pathetic moment oh my god it was so it was so pathetic i'm like almost crying i'm gonna give you a really big hug after this listen i don't know the jackie no ashley i don't know it's really hard let me tell you we're on an emotional roller coaster today let me tell you i'm laughing because it's so pathetic oh my god i thought you were crying are you pregnant i was just gonna ask the same thing i'm just it's so hard to be comfortable she is crying this has gotten really like lifetime moment yeah this is the more you know i asked you to tell the story now i'm so embarrassed all my endorsement deals just went through no more us weeklies for me

oh here we go um i guess we don't know the answer to that i think i have a good answer so when i was younger and actually quite frankly much less attractive because i didn't have all the magic of hollywood you know like i look back and yes i look young but like everything else just wasn't working for me yeah i feel that girl right oh yeah so now i have the resources and some money to like fix it but here's the thing a little botox little things and whatever so i was never more secure than when i was living in new york and i was singing and dancing for a living like broadway you're not judged on how you look you're judged on your skill and you know of course there's politics but like whatever not it's not nearly anything compared to hollywood i realized

when i got to hollywood it was like a year and a half later and i one day was like who is this person like i have never felt insecure i have never cared that much about how much i weigh i've never weighed myself this much in my life and it was all this this like crazy realization that a lot of the time it's who you're surrounded by and what you're surrounded by because quite honestly like i can spend time with a girlfriend who doesn't give a flying f and i have a few of those does not care and i leave hanging out with that with that person feeling like the same way and it's the best thing in the whole world so i think sometimes it's your environment i agree with that yeah totally so kelty get out of my face

sorry my abs are so great jack you want to you want to follow that up we'll get some fat friends as like you're such a bitch i know as shitty as it is it's just you have to stop comparing yourself to other people and especially oh yeah with instagram it's what was that quote from sofia amoroso don't compare your hustle to their highlight reel it's like everybody is posting like the best photoshop it's all such bullshit it's fake you're not posting videos of you crying because you're having an anxiety attack you have to understand that what you're comparing yourself i do i probably have to yeah but what you're comparing yourself to is not real it's not real you're not seeing like their true life so i

think that's hard because we're all like kind of looking at other things and wishing that we had that body or whatever and number one if it's not fake it's probably photoshopped so and if you want to hear more of our life advice head over to and maybe i'll write a emotional blog about the moment and I realized I wasn't cool. You can visit us on theladygang.com, our newly, well, a little bit, launched blog space that has videos and tutorials. And you, if you want to, can write for the site.

You can submit any content you want, essays, photography, art. We're going to take it. We're going to put it up and make you feel really special. Make sure to follow us on social media, at theladygang, at itsbeckatobin, at jadvanek, at keltyknight. And please give a warm round of applause

by following our guest today, Jackie Schimmel on... Now, what's your social? It's not your name. It's Bitch Bible. No, it's my name. It's just at Jackie Schimmel, S-C-H-I-M-M-E-L.

And you can find you on thebitchbible.com. Thebitchbible.com and then my podcast. Yes. You only have one hour of Lady Gang every week and if you need another podcast...

Go to the Bitch Bible. We're birds of a feather. We flock together. Yes. Yes. Awesome. Thank you for being here. I don't know where the hell

that came from. That was so weird. You're so fast. It was amazing. Sorry I cried. Bye. Bye. See you next Tuesday.

I say that too. What? Yeah. Yay. Woo. Yay. Woo. Join the Lady Gang every Tuesday at iTunes and at podcastone.com.

That's podcastone.com. Thanks for listening.