LadyGang - The Return of The Bitch Bible's Jackie Schimmel

Episode Date: February 14, 2017

The Bitch Bible's Jackie Schimmel returns for a good old-fashioned love-hate session on Gaga, Beyonce, The Bachelor, Prince Henry & Meghan Markle, JLo, "50 Shades Darker," and twitter! She's also giving up plenty of dish on her own upcoming nuptials including her dress, wedding hashtag, and what name she'll be using after the big day. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey guys, it's your Lady Gang, Becca Tobin, Kelty Knight, and Jack Vanek. Thanks so much for subscribing on iTunes, and thank you, thank you, thank you for supporting the great sponsors who make it possible for us to have this much fun with you for free every week. Well, what is this? Welcome to the Lady Gang. That's amazing. Say that again.

The Lady Gang. Things are about to change around here. Each week, we catch up with Hollywood's hottest girl posse, Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jack Vanek. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the Lady Gang. I am Becca Tobin, actress and blogger. Across from me is Kelty Knight, entertainment journalist. To my right, Jack Vanek, clothing designer of Jack Vanek. Hi, guys.

Hello. I just had a good stretch. You did. I'm ready. You're ready? Yes. Are you ready for some... Good week. Yes, it is.

Bad week. Oh, no. Okay, who wants to kick us off? I'm going to kick us off. Jesus. No, and I'm only because I really need to talk about it. Okay. Let's hear it.

My television show got canceled today. I mean, I'm sorry. Do I win all the good week, bad weeks? Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty bad. So this is how they did it. So we literally get an email at 8.50 a.m.

And it says, everyone in the building meet on the stage at 9 a.m. Important meeting. and I was like I looked at my makeup artist I was like oh we're getting canceled so we all go out into the meeting and they basically say the show was not picked up you will be done in September so then I like kept it together and then I had to go on stage and be like is Charlie Sheen coming back to TV like all happy and I was like my eyes are dead like I'm all crying so I went to the voiceover room and I was like I can hold it together I gotta do my voiceovers and then I just like sat on the chair and had a big cry and then I went to my office and had a more of a cry

and then I honestly remembered my super inspirational friend Becca Tobin what I know it's crazy but I remember you saying once your line about man's rejection is God's protection and I was like seems oddly religious for me I know I know I don't know I think you may be so I think so. I think I may have repeated that to you. And I was like, you know what? Here's the great news. I have till September to find a new job.

But I'm really sad. I've worked there for seven years. Dude, it sucks. It's been my dream, like, flying around the world. As much as I complain about being tired, like, it's been my dream to fly around the world and interview these celebrities and be on these red carpets. And it really has been, like, a dream come true. And I can't believe I'm, like, one of five girls doing this job.

And I'm really sad. And that's it. How long has it been on the air for? It's been on the air for 13 years. Damn. And yeah, so I mean, I'm going to go out with a bang. Here's the great news. Are you going to take your top off?

I mean, I might Corinne this whole thing. Like, I might just go crazy. Here's the good news. If you follow me on Poshmark, I'm going to be starting to sell off all my TV clothes on Poshmark, and there's going to be some sweet deals. So get onto my Poshmark right now. But I'm sad. You know, that's it.

That sucks. Here's my good week, though. Just to flip this. I interviewed Gwen Stefani this week and she had a giant zit on her chin and I thought God's fair she's so freaking beautiful and she's so tall

and gorgeous and funny and kind and I was just like you are a 40 year old woman and you are covering up that giant pustule like acne zit right now and I feel better about my life that's disgusting but I do want to mention one thing I am having a horrible week and all the lady gangers can make it better

because I don't know if you guys heard this before on our podcast I think you did we're doing this like survey to figure out like what advertisers you like so if you go to podcast one.com and you click on survey you go in and you say that you're a lady gang listener and then you say like which advertisers you liked and which sponsors you liked and which ones you hated and it helps us like figure out how to get the best sponsors and it helps us like fund these microphones and our producer and our studio time and all that stuff so please make my life better because my television show got canceled how am i gonna pay my mortgage helper helper um by going to podcast

one.com and entering the survey please okay thank you okay boom sorry had to get in there jack good week bad week all right um so my good week is somebody on our facebook group tried to google my name and instead accidentally googled jan vanik there is a jan vanik out there who is what's she doing it's a guy what is jan vanik oh jan's a man he has a man and jack's a girl oh my god what if jan vanik and jack vanik like got married or something i don't know okay so he is a self-taught guitarist and great talent composer interpreter multi-instrumental globetrotter jazz man i'm uncomfortable jack the jazz man jan the jazz man there's i have a doppelganger what is jan a nickname for for a man i don't know i think he's french jan jan jan janton so jan if you're out

there okay how cool is that that's like almost me but a man but not violinist yeah yeah um so my bad week was i was in keystone recently which is 9 000 feet up in the air and i get extremely bad altitude sickness so i was like throwing up all morning when i was there it was a freaking nightmare so i was like i'm gonna treat myself i'm gonna get a massage they have this oxygen oxygenated massage thing where they put the tube up your nose yeah pump oxygen into you so you like feel better and suck money out of you it was fifty dollars yeah exactly it was a bunch of bullshit so i'm sitting there and she's massaging my back and then she like flips me over and is doing like my legs or something like that while i'm like laying face up and i have this oxygen

thing in my nose and it's tickling my nose so badly and i'm like don't sneeze don't sneeze don't sneeze this is gonna be bad if you sneeze and i sneezed and the thing flung up and hit her in the face oh i thought you're gonna say you snotted on her face i mean there's a little i'm sure there's some of that too just did you feel refreshed no i didn't feel better i was throwing up the next morning damn but it was not good damn okay so here's here's my bad week so by now i've been to fashion week which i hope was just a huge success i've steered clear of fashion week for a couple years because it's exhausting it's expensive and it doesn't it's not as fun as everyone's instagram pictures make it look like so bullshitty now yeah it's bullshit um so my bad

week is hustling around getting ready to go and literally being told that you can't sit at someone's fashion show and then being told yes you can come sit but you can't have front row and then being told you can have front row but we're not going to dress you in our clothing so it's like all these tears like we were talking about that event that kelty and i went to how there's like tears where you you realize where you stand yeah so it's just the most bleak situation where i'm getting emails left and right from my manager being like oh they can't get you in or oh you're not going to be in the front row and oh they can't like comp you a night at a hotel meanwhile my friends are getting showered with hotels and car services and hair and makeup and clothing and front row

so like that's upsetting uh to realize that i've come such a such a long way um that's also the biggest champagne problem you've ever complained about i think it is but at the same time it's like in any industry i'm just feeling like tell that's such a literal like measure like scale like it's it's just showing you exactly where you stand right and it really it's really just kind of crummy yeah especially when your friends are getting all the shit yeah and it makes you want to be like well i don't want to go to your stupid show anyway yeah i'm gonna sit in sweatpants and drink wine but then you have to because you got to play the game so hopefully i had a great time guys um and uh my good week is that i haven't worked out in two weeks and i've lost weight

right it's not gonna it's only the secret for you but for me long in the long-term effects it's not good so i know that it's it's almost that time where it's gonna go from like weight loss to suddenly i wake up and i'm like the michelin man well have you lost like pounds yes you're probably just yeah i'm losing muscle it's not good but i do feel leaner and it's kind of nice to feel like oh my god i didn't have to work out to lose weight you're so thin you just drink that red wine i know telling you no i get too bad of hangovers all right miss jackie shimmel of the bitch bible is gonna make us feel so warm and fuzzy for vagina day i mean valentine's day now back to the lady gang well our guest today was so much fun the first time we decided to go

on a second date with her um and have her back she's the ceo and creator of the bitch bible site and one of our favorite podcasts the bitch bible which we know you're listening to because you listen to Lady Gang and then you listen to Bitch Bible and like two hours of your life every week gets better. If you are not subscribed and listening to the Bitch Bible,

you will really enjoy it if you're a fan of ours. So go on over to iTunes and subscribe or you can check out her site, BitchBible.com. She hates all the things that we hate and we cannot wait to enjoy her and hate things today with you.

Welcome back to the podcast, Jackie Schimel. Hey, girl. Thank you. Now, a lot of people liked it when you were on before. Really? Did you get the tweets?

Yeah, I did. but you know you never know sometimes it's mixed reviews sometimes i go to too turbo well so i'm glad that's like our middle name is too turbo yeah we're good we're podcast soul sisters we really are i think you were one of our favorite guests for like our listeners oh i thought not personally not personally no we hate personally one of the worst for listeners one of the best yeah i i understand i get that a lot so we really can't wait to talk like basically talk shit with you today so can we just like jump right in yes it's raining i'm so in the mood to talk shit i can't even stand it same okay first let's talk about lady gaga superbowl oh okay i i'll go first i

like because everybody is making these like crazy political statements i kind of like that she just kept it like a hundred percent america come together she was like the lady gang facebook group no politics but it was nice because there was like a tone there was a very like americana theme right but in a positive light and i think that for her because she's so outrageous the smartest move was for her not to do what everyone expected right and i'm just seeing the power in that so i've been practicing that in my own life just doing what's the least expected it's the gaga your life i'm trying to gaga my life too i loved it i'm a gaga fan i'm like a little monster what yes i did not expect this at all obsessed with her i don't know that i'm

obsessed with her but i think she is so authentic and i just really fucking like her oh that's okay jackie lasted three minutes without saying the f word on the podcast it's because hers is just every other word is f i know yes i got it out of my system i'm done now um do you think she was authentic when she had those like fake cheekbones glued on her face? Like that Born This Way era? I think that maybe she just was dieting and she got like a protruding cheekbone. Aren't we all in the pursuit of that?

I think she's authentically weird and I appreciate that. Like I really think that there are so many artists out there who try to be like quirky and weird and like but really you're just basic just down low like Taylor Swift. Vanilla lattes for days. Yes.

And I really think she's a genuinely weird person, which I appreciate. she's an artist yeah she really is i think she did a good job i loved it i have to mention the fact that everybody was saying that she was fat oh insane that's insane the internet said it jackie okay they're all egg trolls and i want to see photos and dimensions of all those people saying but here's what i'm gonna say put me in the wrong cut of underwear and that'll add 10 pounds to myself 100 i put on a bathing suit the other day that hit me in a spot very very similarly to where her underwear was hitting her it's not a great spot to cut yourself off it's right below the

belly button like yeah you need like to go full high or full low yeah yeah and so i understand why she looked like maybe she was out of not even out of shape that's like such a ridiculous word to even use but it wasn't the most flattering so i do wish she had a more flattering panty on i mean i would give any internal organ to look like that yeah for sure she's amazing um anyone who's saying that is just a bitter little biatch and also i want to like mention that when you like bend over like that like the space that is like stretched out in a yoga position like it has to go somewhere yeah so it's like everybody has roles i mean everyone does it's just that we don't post pictures on inner instagram of like our role pictures or perform at the super bowl in bedazzled

isn't it amazing if that were a man no one would say a word about his like extra inch of skin no it's crazy talking about how he crushed it and was doing flips onto the stage which she was doing while singing and we're not talking about that are we we're talking about her underwear it's crazy i think she kicked ass she was so good here's the only thing i don't want to be a hater i was like i was expecting more costume like yeah did she i mean did they called coke count as a costume change because when she like just threw on a coke it was like i appreciate that the eye makeup went off like the sticker i make i mean but i was expecting at one point for there to be like a gigantic jacket that like floated or like a headpiece or something like i did labia tassel

i mean yeah i feel like she did keep the costumes pretty low-key and that's only because i was there i you know no big deal i was in the sidelines for katie perry's oh nbd and katie had like some pretty sick costume but but that's because she can't sing live so she had to distract from the and also you know didn't she because lady gaga didn't have anybody on stage with her did kitty perry have people come on stage yeah she'd miss the ellie that's the thing it's like she could have somebody distract while she did a costume so it's true i just kind of expected her to have like a cape of some sort i'm not saying i was like i still thought she did great but like when she came down for the ceiling like should she have had like a spindle like that jump by the

way it was amazing well where did she go i don't know and it was like the best thing for me that's what i in my mind i imagined like a foam pit the first jump or the last the last jump i liked the first one where she's just kind of like but here's the thing jumped off the roof is it real no it was pre-recorded yeah but it was amazing did you notice it was a pre-record like not knowing anything about that world i think so because then all of a sudden she was on like strings coming down yeah okay can i just talk about one other thing super bowl relevant yeah giselle snapchatting the second they won the game was just too much for me me too it was too much for me to see her take out her phone not more than 30 no like three seconds yeah 0.3 0.3 seconds after the winning touchdown for

her to take out her phone and snapchat that it just felt like and my friend is the wife of matt ryan the other quarterback so i'm a total hater on giselle right now okay but like she wouldn't have been doing that you know what i mean she would have been like my husband just won the super bowl my child is here i'm gonna like celebrate with the people that actually matter hug my baby it's weird it was weird did she take it of herself she there's like a clip of her going like this to everybody in the box after the touchdown and then she turns it around on herself and goes like crazy like the animal on sesame street honestly i did too i was like and also the two of them are just too much it's too much too much i i kind of love them saw her

in the hallway and i was like grabbed a lot i honestly didn't even know what to think because i saw her walking down she's wearing like denim on denim first of all when i do that i look so lame and she just looked like effortless and breezy and like one of the shoulders of her denim shirt was just like it had haphazardly fallen off her shoulder it was probably super glued there it was so hot and i she walked by and i was like i will never be a full woman like she's like so beautiful zach does not find her attractive and a lot of men do not but she has a She has a very specific look. She has an angular face.

She's model-y. Yeah, she's super model-y. And I really appreciate that. He's probably lying to me. He's definitely lying. But I actually do believe him because he does tell me when other women are really super hot. No, I think a lot of men don't like that look. But she doesn't do it for him.

Which, thank you. God is fair. See? God is fair. God is fair. Anyway, I think she's very beautiful. But it's like, here's the thing. She could freak out if that was like his first Super Bowl win after like a long drought or

something. Yeah, but like, Honey's won five. Like, he just won one two years ago. Or last year. It's a Taylor Swift thing. she gets oh my god i can't believe it happened you're the best like you're the best football player in the history of football it'd be more surprising if you didn't win thank you i didn't really watch the games so did you eat the foods did i eat the food oh yeah i went down

are you in bridal diet yeah no not at all i'm a stress eater so we're not there i'm just praying yeah that's really nice i had stomach flu then i am i'm wearing chaps right now no i had the stomach flu so that helped and then i binged yeah and then now i'm just praying for like a tapeworm like a month out yeah i'm not i'm a stress eater it's not happening it's the worst right yeah um okay beyonce is pregnant with twins and she did a fabulously um floral pregnancy announcement i thought it was a joke i thought it was a joke too it's an awkward family photo like it's it's straight out of an awkward family photo who was it a real photographer that took that photo or was it like it was blue ivy blue ivy school project center it's so janky looking who styled

it she's so shy guys she's just an introvert yeah her you know with her boobs and her belly and and the zika net like why are you wearing a like what is going on gotta pray for that non-pinhead it's ridiculous i'm sorry and i got like assassinated on twitter for saying something oh the beehive came after you the beehive would you stun me they're like white people are so annoying white girls are the worst and i was like this has nothing to do with race it's about beyonce sitting going to michael's buying some fake florals perching her pregnant body with a zika net over her and calling it art like that's offensive to me i'm sorry i'm allowed to say that i think any kind of pregnancy photo shoot and i'm gonna get a lot of haters for this

but like i i'm not so on board with the pregnancy photo shoot you can take them but no one wants to see that like i don't want to see that i don't i like i like i would take one when i get pregnant one day what like on a sheepskin rug yeah oh yeah it would be obnoxious it's weird because it's like you're either taking it because you're proud that you stayed really skinny and hot and that's annoying you're only four months and you don't have like stretch exactly yeah the big fat miserable women are not taking pregnancy photo shoots because they don't have anything to rub in your face and they're crying every day yeah and they're miserable

so I'm gonna be bunkered down with like a carton of ice cream and like an OC marathon just crying and shoving food down my throat here's the thing I think sometimes with like the pregnancy photos you're sort of in on the joke like here I am you know Beyonce took that shit so seriously

because it wasn't just the one photo like here oh my god look at this backdrop this would be a great picture like it was a whole photo shoot she had to hold her breath under the water did you see the other ones that's just dangerous for the baby i'm sorry she had like some some chiffon over her boobs and she was doing like an underwater vogue this was a full-on there was like a series a photo series your job is to see beyonce.com but i'm glad that none of us saw them it means that she didn't succeed in her mission here's what i will say i'm already tired of these children and i've only known about them for three

day seriously for blue ivy oh blue ivy is screwed so pissed nobody cares about blue ivy anymore no she's so pissed no she's pissed she's so pissed right philly so i get it okay i'd be pissed okay what's going on now here's the lady gang let's talk about the bachelor please who's starting please first of all is corinne an actress like does she know what's going on i have to say i don't even know who this was it might have been somebody in the lady gang facebook group that knew her in high school yeah and they were like your book photo no is it amazing it's her quote i it's like something ridiculous it's like i'm beautiful and i'm hot never it's it's not that but it's something amazing it's so current yeah somebody was like dude that's exactly how she was

in high school she was a total mean girl like obsessed with herself oh amazing you just gotta love her i think she's hot she is hot she's pretty yeah i think she's pretty yeah she's pretty i mean she's dumb but she's pretty i don't know if she's so smart because she's definitely getting on bachelor in paradise oh for sure like she's television gold if they were smart they'd make her the bachelorette oh my god well they made kaylin the bachelor and she was kind of crazy yeah she was like a little she was a slutty bachelor that's what we want yeah that's what i want well apparently there's supposed to be some big announcement that they've never done before soon i don't know if it's going to happen before this airs but what do you think it's going

to be i don't know oh my god there's no winner so nervous they're i don't know who's going to be the bachelorette someone was joking that he wasn't going to get anybody to say yes i mean is that true i have no idea i don't read the spoilers either he was like having a little meltdown yeah he's with the pussy am i allowed to say that word on yes oh great yeah i think nicks a pussy and i think like he's so disinterested he asks all the wrong questions there's all the wrong questions like what is wrong with you i think he's there for the wrong reason he wants the payday and he's just he's foaming at the mouth and i want to punch him like he's an idiot i think he i think he's genuine in wanting to find somebody but i think that he really wants corinne

and like really wants to just have a he wants he wants penetration is what he wants that's what he's there for like i think he wants to want it but then he like really wants he's like half animal half man like he wants to be a gentleman and be like ladies i appreciate your time so much i've been in your shoes i know what this is like and then the other half of him is like boner boner boner boner oh totally a hundred percent but i just feel like maybe if you've had a problem four times now with this whole bachelor thing you're the problem the common denominator yeah you sorry nick becca's just like oh god you hate the bachelor i hate the bachelor and i especially hate this bachelor yeah well he's he's lame but it's so good the season's good it is mind-numbing

and i like a lot of stupid shit like i'm not kidding i like a lot of stupid shit this is too much for me i don't know why or how what about when the girls start putting out and then it's like crunch time and there's like four girls left and they're throwing their vaginas at him no i see that every day like i feel like welcome to hollywood where are you hanging out i need to go it's like every one of my girlfriends in our 20s it's like honestly not it doesn't do it for me i really wish it did who jackie in your expert opinion uh yes who will be the next bachelorette it's the girl with the black girl with the space in her teeth okay you think not a chance because i feel why you know why becca because abc executives that's why i was hoping you would

say it and i wouldn't have literally nothing nothing of me supporting that choice but just me being annoyed that every single season for what 45 years it's been a white human but that's what i was wondering can we get like a lesbian oh i would love a lesbian last night but that's what i was wondering if that's the announcement because they're like it's something we've never done but i'm like that maybe it's same sex a bisexual bachelor or bachelorette would be the most genius they already did that show tequila and it was so good yes but like an abc no it's gonna be a i bet it's i bet it's same sex i bet it's gonna be like but they also did that with that lance bass show yeah but like not on abc not on a major network yeah i think it bombed

i think vanessa's gonna win yeah i'm gonna put that is gonna win because he cried on that date like really early remember she's the only one he likes will you pass me a skittle well he also really likes rachel uh gap that's right okay rachel gap kind of 100 they're setting her up or do you think she's just a diversity stay like they're trying to clear their name i also have to say i think they're trying to make her the bachelorette but if you look at all of their instagram followers because i follow them all because i'm a freaking psychopath she has like 40 000 and like vanessa has 200 000 and sarah has like 150 000 i was like you just said sarah i know who the hell is sarah she's a big smile with big teeth and like the cool hair she's pretty

she's very pretty she got kicked off like um two weeks ago she wore the blush lace dress when she got kicked off well you guys let's not forget who's watching this show that's all i have to say white oh okay i like what you did there and i'm with you i just want you to think about it corinne would be the sickest bachelorette so good it would be if they die for she brings her nanny oh and the nanny like picks for the first couple weeks oh my god that has to be fake i i don't think so i don't think so she went on and said like it's really just her housekeeper well yeah obviously but like but she calls her her nanny which is just i want to honestly i way to go abc yeah i'm gonna put this out there though you guys know that i pay an assistant to

like help me do things and she's pretty much my nanny you would never refer to her as your nanny though no i wouldn't but like i love when corinne's like who's emotionally intelligent now bitch oh my god oh my god she's so turbo she's so great she's always wasted i'm obsessed with her i know she's always always and then i thought hold on okay anyway we have to move on yes megan markle is dating prince harry and now she's wearing a ring that has an h in it oh like an initial ring how long have they been dating for well i think publicly like two months but i think they were together like six months before girl would she marry him she should i don't think so no really i think it's too much because she's black no i'm just kidding is she black no i don't

think so i think she's is she half half black no i think she's yeah she's half something she's very pretty um i'm just saying no because she's been married before she has there was all this stuff that came out like her ex-husband's so pissed that he leaked all these like slutty pictures of her i know it's really nasty i thought she was oh my god i'm gonna google that when i get home i don't know yeah i don't think so all i know is that all my hollywood actress friends are pissed because they're like we didn't get the memo that he was like in our category like we're upset we haven't been trying to date we've been trying to date orlando bloom we should have been trying to date a freaking prince oh seriously honestly i remember this is so i have a friend who had sex with him

oh prince harry how was it is he circumcised no oh no people are not in europe yeah i mean that's a really general statement i'm very sorry no but it's true it's true it's not as common how did she say the sex was she said he was very boring really yeah when you're a prince you don't have to you don't have to work it's like it's like yeah it's like having sex with like anybody who's ever been famous yeah that never had to work right but he's still a prince so let's be real we'd all be Honestly, it's been an epic career move. Epic. I didn't even know who she was before.

I was at the Elle Women in TV event, like, two years ago covering it, and, like, I thought she had a really pretty red dress on, and my husband watches Suits, which is, like, you know, an okay show that does fine, and I, like, only took her on the red carpet to be, like, nice, because her dress was pretty, but, like, we were never going to air it, and now she's going to be the princess. Oh, yeah. Like, it's the best career. No one knew who she was.

Her website, The Tig, the bitch bible is getting more hits. oh that's rough what is the tig that's her blog her fashion lifestyle what does tig stand for i have no idea the it girl the tig ew the it girl you think that is the word if that's what it is i'm hoping i'm really hoping oh my gosh i hope so let's research this that's awful um jlo and drake we thought we're a couple but then this is my favorite thing about jennifer lopez she started like passively aggressively tweeting and i think it's over what did you say naturally let me look it up because i was excited about that do we think it's a good couple he's a nice jewish boy jewish he is jewish jewish like bar mitzvah boy jewish really he is like a unicorn he's a jewish

rapper um and he was on degrassi which is i mean jimmy did anyone watch that show i never watched Degrassi? Degrassi. Oh, isn't that a Canadian show? It's like a Canadian soap opera. Getting this mind and body ready for Vegas. Oh my God, with the underboob. Underboob.

Is that passive aggressive, though, or would she do that? That's not even the worst one. That was just one I watched. No, that's just J-Lo. I think that's just J-Lo. Yeah. But I mean, who took that photo? I would like her to be with, like, an older businessman.

Someone out of the limelight. Yeah, it's why she's always going for the youngies. No, I'm not down for that. even though she's j-lo and she can do whatever the hell she wants i just think um i love me some drake but i just i don't get that it's like she wants to be with a man who she can control a little bit i think we had this conversation yeah we did okay we'll move on um okay it was literally last week 50 shades darker we also had this conversation we did yeah in the darker he like asked to marry her right and there's like some creepy crazy ghost girl pass up tries to shoot

her yeah yeah i hear this one is like i thought there's anal in this one no anal beads how do you show anal sex i have no idea i don't think you do i think you allude to it allude to an anal bead like how do you allude to an anal um the way they did it in brokeback mountain where he like spits on his hand and then but also that's right he's gonna broke back now it's anal well yeah because there's only one hole you're gonna know like my face before anal would be something different than my face before just regular penetration horror it would be like it would be like holding in the biggest bowel movement of my life it would be major clenching mixed with horror and shame yeah and a double chin i'm sure would

work its way in there as well agreed agreed and like like texting a divorce lawyer yeah but here's What's crazy is Jamie Dornan and Dakota Fanning are presenting at the Oscars. Who's Dakota Fanning? Dakota Fanning. Dakota Johnson. They are presenting at the Oscars. The Oscars, the Academy Awards are like, you know what? We need to get that promo in for Fifty Shades Darker.

They're going to present after their greatest cinematic masterpiece is the anal sex number two in the Fifty Shades Darker movie series. And they're both white people. So Oscars, so white, still white. still very very white oscar's still anal the whitest story too the whitest story it's so white like just who do you go and see that white girl though like your girlfriends yeah i went to the first one as a like a press screener and it was so awkward because there's two types of people in those movies right there's adults that are like watching and they're like and they just watch it in peace and just kind of like live it and then there's like the rest of us that are like

like they start like whipping each other and you're like it's so awkward you can't even like make eye contact with someone because you dare i don't want to look like i'm enjoying it i don't want to be like yeah i'm like rubbing my clit in the movie theater in the third row did you text you go to the bathroom like during the anal scene like it's so uncomfortable especially if there's like co-workers around you like you said you went to a screener for yeah they're like people you worked with them my boss is behind me i'm like this movie's great and you can't go alone because then you're like megan's law then you're just a creep like just sitting in the theater by yourself you're listening to the lady gang okay here's a question i've never asked before

oh what is now we can't use the f word but insert the f word into the sentence okay what is one thing you used to beep about and now you don't give a beep about you used to wait what the question one thing that you used to care about a lot i used to give uh yeah and now you don't care about you mystical ad-libs whatever okay something you used to care about and now that you don't care about like back in the day you were so concerned with this and now you're like i don't care at all yeah this is a good question like i wish i could say instagram followers but i still really care about i was gonna say that too but then i would be lying because i still like twitter oh twitter followers. I still care about my Twitter. I don't. I don't even

go on Twitter anymore. I know, me either. But if you tweet us, it is us responding, everyone. It's true. No, I'm getting off the Twitter thing because I used to respond to everyone and get in like full-blown altercations with people. I'm like, whatever, troll egg. Like, I would just go so

like, I'd have a visceral reaction and I'd borderline verbally assault these people that mean nothing. And I'm starting to get off that because I, you have to think like, that is so nice that they took time out of their day to talk shit to you to talk shit and you know what a download's a download okay so listen to listen even if they're hate listening yeah yeah it doesn't matter to you what are they doing with

their life and it's such a cliche i'm gonna think of something better because that's like the most basic thing like oh my haters like i i hate that word when people like dress their haters like please come on i have mine oh i'm getting over i used to care a lot that every single person liked me and now I don't care I've really like gotten clean about like yesterday I was at this press junket and this one star was acting up and literally who Adam Levine oh I didn't think you were gonna say it I love you I'll tell you the whole story Adam Levine is the worst person to interview I love him so much but he's the worst because he does not want to be there at all really zero percent and so like from across the room we're in our little interview pod he's like

yelling at blake shelton like f this f that f this f that and i'm like and i literally look at him i'm like all right well if you all want to have a conversation blake why don't you come over and blake comes into my shot and they're acting all crazy and then they walk away and then the publicist was like you can't use that you can't use what are all four of them in your shot that was not pre-decided like you can't use it and i literally just gave her the blank eye and was like i'm so sorry this is above my pay grade you're gonna have to call the producer at the show like i can't do anything about it and like before i'd be like oh my god i'm so sorry oh yeah okay we won't use it but i was literally like i don't care like i don't care if you like me that was

the best moment my interview adam was like like a jerk so you're acting like a dink i don't care and also p.s before that i was so tired i laid on the floor and took a nap on my purse and guess who stepped over me gwen stefani and then we sat up there and i was like girl today is so bleak and she's like oh you're having a rough one i was like i have not slept yet i'm so tired and she's like sorry for you and i was like i don't even care if you hate me gwen stefani i don't care oh i like that one that's a good one i don't care anymore like honestly i'm happier here jackie but i don't care if you like it oh well i'm gonna go i want to change mine okay change yours changers fake friends acquaintances i'm over acquaintances i am so sick of small talk and being like how are you

we should and i hate we should hang out we should hang out we should no drink sometimes keep it no we shouldn't we shouldn't no i don't want to hang out with you i mean i like you but i no yeah no it's ridiculous it's crazy you don't have to do that it's such bull and it's so stupid to feel like you have to validate what you had with like a bs plan yeah we don't have to be friends it's totally fine i love that about people when you know you just know your boundaries i cannot stand when a bitch that you are kind of friends with manifests like a fake friendship where you're so close and you're not yeah and that's totally okay and like piggybacking onto that going and doing plans that you don't want to go no no it's over i used to do that all the time

and that's so 2016 i'm over it that's what gave me all of my social anxiety i'm like i have social anxiety because i'm going out to clubs or whatever with people i don't know you go up in the club first of all no one should be going to the clubs ever this is when i was like 19 don't ever go to the clubs guys it's not worth it stay at home it's never worth it but no it's true yeah it's you don't have to do that and then you end up hanging out with people you probably don't really like because you don't have the same interest my favorite thing is getting those e-vites like oh my god it's my birthday party and i'm just like sorry decline birthday party birthday parties are stupid no i don't know i feel like you ever really cared

you just give no f's ever i don't know i don't know you should aspire to that i mean i probably did go to too many social engagements because i felt obligated and now i just don't care yeah yeah yeah a friend of mine actually taught me a very valuable lesson because when people bail on you you kind of do get a little butthurt and you sort of do like say something nasty or whatever because you're like why the why why do they bail on me or like what do they have better to do or blah blah blah whatever right but then i realized that like nine times out of ten i'm the person bailing oh and my friend one day was like just let them do their thing like who cares just let everybody do what they want to do and i was like that's kind of nice just let everybody do what

they want to do you do you i have to say too i know you said people get butt hurt but i think most of the time people don't get butt hurt if it's for something yeah yeah group if it's dinner on a weekday or like you meeting no one cares when someone else bails i can't be friends with people that get too sensitive it's like you know i want to be home alone give me a break yeah 100 okay what is one star you secretly love that you'd never admit until now a star yeah like a celebrity what if you're like donald trump oh i don't know low-key obsessed with elizabeth berkeley no one even knows who she is what show girls of course show girls is the best movie of all time yeah very obsessed with her don't know

where she is or what she's doing i hear she's awful awful but i'm a little obsessed with her okay so first person that comes okay it's very jack do you have anyone i don't know i need to think um so we had a lot of like guest stars come on glee and they were like some sometimes huge people like one of paltrow and sometimes like whatever reality stars but the one person that put me into a tailspin and i couldn't even talk around was jennifer coolidge i love her pendant snap yep oh i love her weird she is like i couldn't even speak i just love her so much oh she's so great i completely understand thank you for understanding that yes we get each other okay last thing before we go to us lady gang what is one instagram account that you follow

that no one would expect oh oh my god there are so many basically every house right now no i would totally expect you to follow i know what am i talking about okay go to your little instagrams girls okay i'm just you know what the best thing to do is go through your stories because that's where i'm always like oh i hope no one sees that i'm following this person okay what do we follow i follow a lot of animals like i follow the kangaroos sanctuary and they have like a lot of baby kangaroos i follow this bird that has no hair or hair that's really sad i don't follow animals. It's so cute. Because the people who run those accounts freak me out.

Does anyone follow Pumpkin the Raccoon? No. There's a raccoon in the Bahamas and it has like a dog friend. It's called Pumpkin and they call it Pump for short. And like every day he tells a little story about his day through photos. That's kind of sad.

Wow. I mean I follow Goop and I'm like so anti-Goop. I follow it because it gives me the cringe sweats but I also sometimes go on goop and like look at the recipes but i'm like oh this is so pretentious i'm like but where did you go to eat in paris and then i like do the goop city guides and i hate myself yeah but you still do it but i still do it and i'm i feel good getting you guys i recently did a purge so like it really isn't people who none of the embarrassing no i yeah did we make the cut

no you didn't actually funny story oh i work with you guys probably like i'm still following like wedding dress designers i should probably unfollow them because it makes me want to like it gives me ptsd okay yes jack i don't know i guess you've got to have a lot aaron carter well yeah obviously i think i don't know that i wouldn't admit probably nobody but i'm like weirdly obsessed with the wwe and like everybody in it that's so weird that is very weird because you know it's fake right yes i know acting acting yeah it's acting i just love that have you ever auditioned no i mean i'm way too petite frail some might even say yeah i'm so skinny there's no way i am wildly too thin for that i'm so tiny it's like but you could probably get some really

good air off that third rope listen i was a gymnast a meddling around pretty easily you would be amazing maybe never say never guys small fry here i am on a podcast what would be your song your entrance song oh i have the tiger no i was in my mind thinking that though but it'd be like big willie styles oh my gosh i don't know maybe something reggae oh nice relaxing very cool you roll up with a joint it's a whole bob marley yeah maybe i'd be like a bob baba marley just what's happening baba marley okay well um that was fun let's talk about your wedding for a second okay you're close do you have a dress i do have a dress do you want to ask uh becca for any advice because she's recently newlywed yeah kind of don't do it all right

uh but jackie's not like you she's like she has like a little bit of girly wedding vibes like you'll be posting instagrams and be like these are you definitely have a wedding hashtag i think we've talked oh i do i do it's yas to the haas which took me quite a long time because it's really hard to write something with haas congratulations are you gonna change your name you might be able to get a real job now i know because when people google you you're screwed oh I'm I could never what did you do in your last job Jackie oh I created the bitch bible oh my god yeah yeah yeah no I'll never be able to like do anything professional again but Jackie Haas is like she's a badass she wears a pencil like a pink stripe it's almost like waspy sound

yeah it's very waspy I love that MBA yeah oh I love that even more um yeah I'm gonna change my name but not I don't know what I'm gonna do like I'm a nobody so I could probably I could change it that's easy right you could change it keep it as jackie shimmel for a bitch bible and then be jackie haas everywhere else yeah yeah what did did you diet before your wedding um i worked out a ton you worked out a ton you see that's what i need help with because i mary's boot camp no that's not happening for me it was a five minute run like i cannot do it i can't do it i can't go to a gym i won't go to a trainer i i mean i'm just okay so you are where you are i think this is i think just do some like body positivity things in the mirror and just do you think i

could like just manifest the secret that shit you might you might be able to if i believe something is working so much that it may or may not be working but i feel thinner it's the placebo effect it's the placebo i need that because i'm just not going to do anything the bulletproof diet i've been reading recently and i do feel like there's something to it the bulletproof coffee yeah i also want to yeah i want to say i want to say on your coffee table just do some like the only part you really have to worry about is this unless that is exactly what underneath the arm flap because like you could just get some like five pound weights and do like some random arm it's too late for cool sculpting just if you can't tone it you just have to tan it yeah

yeah oh and you can't tone it actually cool sculpting you do have enough time yeah actually you do you think you went today i did my chin okay i'm gonna i'm gonna make it you gotta go See ya. Bye, Jackie. A little lipo or something. It's too late for that. It's definitely too late for that. Yes, you don't need any complications to set back your wedding date.

I'm just going to a third world country and praying for the best. Okay. When we come back, we're going to help you fix your life because obviously Jackie has the best advice. Hey, ladies. Okay. Ask the Lady Gang. Okay.

Well, you've done this before. Yes. Are you ready to give some advice? uh always some very misguided advice it's no different from any other week okay oh before we start if you guys want 20 off jackbanic.com use code lady gang okay our first question comes from elena she says so i live in a very nice apartment complex that has strict rules from pet noises to the speed limit in the parking lot one of the reasons my husband and i bought an apartment here was because of this we are very much rule followers which kelty will love that's

my favorite question of all time and are careful to make sure we don't bother anyone well lately we've noticed a couple neighbors speeding through the parking lot and not driving in the right lane no way this annoys me a lot because we've seen them doing it a lot and they don't seem to care and think that they can get away with anything should i go talk to them ignore them or what what a narc you sound like a fun time elena so fun i actually have this problem on my street like people speed up the street and it's really annoying i thought about this i don't know if you can do it i still have to look into it but someone mentioned calling the local police precinct and being like for a couple days can you have someone out there writing tickets is there a speed limit

though on my street yeah there's a speed limit on every usa street roadway jack drives a jeep with a yin yang sign on the back she has no idea but wait a second what are this is in the parking lot of their apartment it's not like they're going hold on did you not pass your driver's test is there there's a parking lot speed limit across the world i don't remember i mean that's like go speak to the manager of of the apartment building and just no confrontation necessary unless you want like a bag of dog shit yeah your front door yeah i like imagine somebody coming up to you and like bitch bitching to you about something that you don't think is a bit big idea i would cut them i'd be like really really or and then you'd keep doing it just worse throw an animal

in front of their car next time and that'll teach them i'm gonna say this good idea elena forget these bitches as a fellow rule lover i understand your frustration and i understand how grating it is to see someone breaking the rules day after day after day and not being able to do anything kelsey is so so here's what you do if you have an apartment then you have a superintendent so you need to find out what the car is and leave an anonymous note on your windshield oh my god says hi i've seen you speeding through the parking lot um i have a tiny baby and i wouldn't ask unless i was worried about her because she's walking really fast right now and i don't want her to get hurt please be respectful of the speed limits anonymous okay i'm into that i mean i guess

yeah that's fine you just want to put your name and then you're that and then a voodoo doll oh don't put your name don't put your name but i hate people that break rules and don't talk to them in person that's no do not talk to them in person that anonymous that's actually a really good answer thanks okay i'm used to people breaking the rules if you guys ever get a note in your car after podcast taping you'll know it's from me don't worry i didn't even need to hear that to know that okay our second question comes from carla she says i'm a divorced single mom of three i've been divorced for two years and i am now in a relationship with a woman however not long ago while being intimate with me she fell asleep question mark oh i mean how does that even

happen. I know people are human and need sleep. It hurt me to the core. Not just once in one evening. It was twice. What am I supposed to think and feel? What would you do? Did you take an Ambien? What the hell? Yeah. I mean, sometimes people get really tired or she's not a lesbian and she's just dabbling in the lady pool and she wants to go back to the other team and she's pretending to fall asleep. I don't think you should ever take people falling asleep personally. like whether it's the time i fell asleep watching back on glee or the time i was listening to bitch bible and with you and stassi and i fell asleep or the time i was like drinking tea out of my jackmanic man tears mug and then i fell asleep before i finished it sleep if you're like me

you go from on to off without a moment's notice she loves you you're in a relationship you've been going on with her there's a lot to your i don't think it's a big deal people don't mean people have to fall asleep like they don't do it if she was like oh your vagina smells so bad then i'd be worried but she literally was like i love this so much oh my god i'm sleeping i feel so comfortable with you yeah exactly and also as a woman i think that like we have better ways of communication if she like wasn't into it a hundred percent i don't think yeah lesbians are good communicators okay they would be able to like talk about it and have a kumbaya and then go to yeah yeah carla don't take it personally don't carla you're fine your vag is pristine

Wait, no. It's wedding currency? My heart is gold and my bad gene is platinum. God, it's so good. So bad. Okay, our last question comes from Liz. And she says, I'm 25 and my boyfriend of four and a half years and I want to move in together this upcoming September and my parents are very, very against it.

One is religiously against it and one just believes I would be disrespecting myself and making a huge mistake not waiting for marriage. What would you ladies do in my situation? you have absolutely got to live with him before you get married i a hundred percent one thousand percent a rule that people try to adhere to it's really it's a lot of this religion dr laura schlesinger does anyone listen to yeah i love her i love her unbelievable she says that if you live with someone you're basically like an unpaid hooker because like some you're giving away without buying these bitches are giving it away for free anyway they're just not sleeping in the

bed with you which is even more like a hooker it's not they're not having sex yeah here's what i i think it's so important that you live together because you don't really know someone until you have to like do a second flush for them when they forget a little bit in the toilet that's so that's when you know like am i gonna be able to make it through yeah it's something you have to do before you take the next step i don't understand how people don't live together and then they get married and then it's like a whole other adjustment I can't yeah you're throwing like two gigantic punches and I'm not talking like

I live with you on the weekends we stay at your house I'm talking day in three menstrual cycles worth yeah yeah yeah you know you'll know you'll know you should just have a conversation with your parents and be like this is my life and this is my choice and this is my relationship and I'm very sorry if you see this as being disrespectful

but I have to do what I'm comfortable with and that's what this is they've also been together for almost five years like that's insane yeah and then listen to Sheryl Burks your cherry has been popped yeah honey okay love it on that note please how many episodes of bitch bible do you have now oh god i was on itunes like yesterday there's like it just goes forever i think i think like almost a hundred or over a hundred i don't keep i don't keep track and it comes out every tuesday every tuesday so that means you have two hours of listening perfection

on your favorite people to our favorite blonde basic biatches um we love you so much please everyone go check out bitch bible um also check out jackie's podcast bitch bible which is awesome which i just said but i really mean it so many plugs thank you and where should we go follow all your wedding information on instagram um at jackie shimmel yes spell it for us uh j-a-c-k-i-e s-c-h-i-m-m-e-l and while you're at it please follow becca tobin she's so thirsty for instagram I'm like so annoying. It's Becca Tobin. Although I do have to say

your Instagram revamp has been looking real cute. It is on fleek. At Jack Vanek and at Kelty Knight and I need you more than ever. You guys know why. And follow the Lady Gang

and make sure you join our secret no drama Facebook group and also head on down to theladygang.com to pick up your lady box and all of your Lady Gang information. We love you so much and see you next Tuesday.

Yay! Woo! Yay! Join the Lady Gang every Tuesday at iTunes and at PodcastOne.com. That's PodcastONE.com. Thanks for listening.