LadyGang - Tinx Returns

Episode Date: May 30, 2023

Lifestyle creator, advice expert, podcast host and new author, Tinx returns to the podcast, sounding almost exactly like Scarlett Johansson. But don’t let that fool you, her wisdom on scarcity mindset, breadcrumbing, and self worth will have you becoming the main character of your life. Check out our amazing sponsors!!! Quince: go to Quince.com/lady to get free shipping and 365-day returns on your next order! AG1: Go to AthleticGreens.com/ladygang for your FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D AND 5 free travel packs with your 1st purchase! Hint Water: Find Hint Water at Wal-Mart, Target, and Kroger OR get 36 bottles for $36 using code LADYGANG at DrinkHint.com  ThirdLove: Visit ThirdLove.com to get $15 off your first purchase! Be one of the first 150 people to get a $10 gift card when you fill out a quick survey at PodcastOne.study See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, listeners, we want you to know how important it is to us to make sure you are hearing about brands and products that matter to you. And the best way for us to do that is to get your opinion. And we also like to reward our listeners, which is why we are offering a $10 gift card to the first 150 people who will fill out a quick survey at podcastone.study. So please just take a few minutes to visit podcastone.study and tell us what you think. well what is this welcome to the lady gang that's amazing say that again the lady gang things are about to change around here each week we catch up with hollywood's hottest girl posse kelty knight becca tobin and jack vanik

hello hello hello welcome to lady gang i'm becca tobin here with jack vanik and kelty we are not on fast forward that was pretty good wasn't it yeah we are warmed up queens of the books oh we're about to go to a massive book event the los angeles times puts together a book festival yeah and famous people only famous people only um big writers bj novak oh wow was that chris knight hey chris knight you know the people love chris knight yeah he ran um come here callie come here um so we're dressed up for this is a very rare occasion that all of us have on mascara yep and underwear i have a bra on i have a bra on too what why are you wearing a bra suddenly it's the skims bra well i i don't know oh it's because i thought you guys would talk shit because

i'm wearing a very thin shirt it's true you need a bra you don't need a bra with that but i'm proud of you but i have a jacket but also skims is our new sponsor i'm wearing mine too yeah they're so they have great bras it's really great everything yeah i love them well it's time for good week yes it is bad week oh no look at us looking at our phones i have to remember my life i know okay oh yeah yeah okay did i tell you guys about that um the anxiety is chronic my ass is iconic shirt no that's great okay i'm ready go for it okay my good week is i'm walking Down the street Somewhere very boring

It wasn't like at an air one Where you would expect someone to have a great shirt This man walks by me Holding his giant water bottle Very LA And the shirt says Anxiety is chronic And then when he turns around

The back says My ass is iconic And I was like It feels me Like do you think he meant his literal ass is iconic though or what else could you mean like my ass is staying home like as a general you was his ass iconic nothing about him was iconic i'll tell you that right such a shirt come here callie i'm the only one who wants you

callie she's like that's not enough um anyway i just thought it was so good and i felt like everyone ripped off you're like i'm a ray of sunshine shirt so if you want what it sounds jackmanic adjacent but like i wouldn't i wouldn't do that yeah it's not it's not my vibe but it's adjacent you wouldn't rip off something or jack do you have a different nail color on than you normally have so weird well this this is weird this actually gets into my good week bad week well what's your bad week no no my bad week is that um i uh uh am gassy gassy gas gas dot i'm peggy peggy bleak bleak bleak um so i have been like really on this health mission and part of that they like took me off all my thyroid medicine and i'm back it's 2015 and my whole gut is bubbles

and like literally i was getting acupuncture and the woman was like that's so weird she was like like playing the bongos on my stomach it's so distended and like weird anyway i have so much gas i'm so gassy and i don't fart in front of my husband i'm about to start you gotta start but the problem the real problem is jared chris close your ears the real problem is is that i can't trust my farts anymore either because they might be sharks oh no leaky gut and very leaky and so it's like i have to fart all the time everywhere i go jared you can take the earmuffs off now it's just farting she's just farting she just might be shitting her pants and anyway next story oh my god jack i'm sorry about your leaky gut it sucks because i'm so bloated but

like i can fart in the privacy of my own house i'm not messing with myself oh like i don't i'm not taking i gotta like just let this are you doing a lot of carbonated water none weird okay what could be giving you a gas literally my rotting insides my intestinal whatever it is house slipper this is a rothy uh driving shoe driving should i put a different shoe on no no i i thought it was like fuzzy from where i'm sitting and i was concerned you were gonna wear that out of the house i could have i i have not worn any real shoes out in public in a long time you could elevate your look today i could elevate it it's too casual i don't understand why you like go so far far in one direction and then with us you really half-ass it and i don't appreciate it

i okay you you want to do it i want to i need i need a look okay okay come back with a look you do your good we back right now this is not how we can do this this way because i'm going to tell the listeners she's in her again harry styles concert t-shirt we've seen it eight million times a wide leg date navy card card card corduroy good lord corduroy pant we've also seen a thousand times and i in a driving loafer listen you look cute for every day but step it up okay i'll be back you do your story are you i hate doing this when you leave why but i'm here you go oh you want her to hear you i want to hear it she wants she needs my like thing i'll go then okay i'll be right because actually what i'm about to share is probably something kelty

will would would benefit you but it's fine you won't be listening anyways okay so i have found a life hack okay so you know that my theme for this year is really commit to nothing yeah well it's been the theme for a while for a long time um just just marriage and motherhood that's the only commitments baseline that i can commit to you're really going back to the 50s it's true i'm into it yeah so i being as popular as i am living so many lives i get invited to a lot of things and i recently got invited to a dinner and it was a situation where it was a group email and it was like, Hey, we're going to dinner on Sunday. Like we'd love for you to join us. And it's like five people on the email. Yeah. So I was sitting there trying to take Ben Affleck's

advice where he says, don't say yes to something you wouldn't want to say yes to if it was happening tomorrow. Right. And I was like, I definitely don't want to do this tomorrow. I don't want to do this ever. Not even if you told me this is a year and I was getting paid to go do this, I'm not doing it. But I didn't want to say that. And I, I had no excuse because these other people knew where my whereabouts would be during the time of this dinner happening we would all had no other excuse exactly yeah so i decided to wait it out like i was at war behind the brush okay and i'm waiting it out and i'm waiting it out and what i ended up doing was the day of morning of the dinner i wrote and i said i'm so sad to be missing this have the best time tonight

that's it isn't that great because it's like if you cancel too early on you have to have an excuse. Thank you. You guys are twins now, but this is better now. She did pick her outfit first, but I literally don't have any other clothes other than this. I don't believe that at all. No, I don't. But I do love that outfit. You look very cute. Yeah, I do. Yeah. Thank you for doing that. You look young. You look like a, like a young Britney Spears. Okay. Okay. So anyways that was the life hack that i found because you know what it is it's like people don't even know what to do you've basically just like side swiped him and kept going yeah and they're just left there to be like well at least she didn't write not respond at all yeah but she

responded it was just like the day of so it's not like they could re redo the reservation to try to find a time that worked for me right because had i written back and said oh it's just not going to work for me this night because i have x y and z yeah they would have been like we'll go a different night yeah so instead you let everybody think you're coming you don't say yes but you don't say no and you just wait and then the day of you say i'm so sad to be missing this have a great time and just no excuse no excuse wow that's genius you're welcome i thought you're gonna say that you faked having covid which is also a good i've considered it so many times but then i think about it and i'm like social media would get me in trouble because if i tell people i have

covid and then somebody sees you out yeah it's not a good thing yeah so anyways uh that was my good week. Uh, you're welcome to everyone. My bad week is something that I've been noticing a lot and I thought I was the only one. And then it was confirmed by my sweet husband, Zach. We're getting smoothies in Austin and we, it's like a young crowd that works behind the counter and they're so cute and they're so sweet. And Zach doesn't really notice anything about anybody or if he does, he doesn't or anything like important. It's always like weird, weird things. Um, and we're sitting there waiting for our smoothies and he looks i mean he goes so like girls just don't shower anymore do they it's so true and i was like whoa

i'm really caught off guard are you talking about me and i look behind the counter and there's this girl who's like a beautiful young girl but like the greasiest hair i've ever seen in my life yeah no it's because it's the thing where it's like you shouldn't wash your hair only once a week at least fake it have the decency like we're doing to fake washing our hair put some dry shampoo and that shit and call it a day i don't want to see you breaking off a frozen banana throwing in my smoothie and then happen to maybe see the greasiest strand of hair also make its way into the smoothie yeah because the hair is going to make it there one way or i really know this about the next generation it's really strange they don't give a about anything but i don't give

about anything but i give a about myself and how i feel i'll tell you uh yeah and if my vagina feels rotten oh yeah no it doesn't feel good because when i went to the jonas brothers concert emma chamberlain was there and emma chamberlain is like the girl of the internet you know the most famous it girl of the internet and she's going to the met gala and like hosting shit for vogue she was like i was like i don't understand why girls in this next generation are not washing their hair because i only see her on like magazine covers when she's all style yeah the thing and she's a beautiful girl but it's no makeup no given greasy hair that is the off-duty look off-duty model is now grease monger taking it too far well it's the it's uh the indie sleaze

it's like their version of sleaze yeah well i don't like it one bit no well i guess this can kind of transfer into one of my good weeks i guess is i am now a double shower yeah welcome to my life two showers a day now i was a morning shower only like i can't wake up and not shower in the morning i feel like a disgusting whatever but now it's like made itself into my nighttime routine so it's now part of like my ocd craziness yeah that i have to have two showers a day or my i get too stinky you just feel bad i feel like getting in my bed after not having a shower before bed but then you have to shower when you wake up you don't shower when you wake up not always i would i would 400 showers a day if i could the shame on her that needs to be washed

into the drain is very high i love a shower i'll do a shower in the morning a bath at night a sauna a shower like i love to just be wet sweating out whatever toxin is in there you know you just got like a new personality with this outfit she did oh my god you're like cool you're like cross-legged leaning back like your body like nicholas cage right now in method acting no you want me to be a star i'm a star you are like a star in that outfit something changed something has changed what is that song what i've never heard that it's a musical theater song it's the rhinestones i won't be oh it's wicked wicked um well that this this right here this like she has on oh god we didn't tell our listeners what she came back wearing

she's wearing a canadian tuxedo alexander wang denim on denim with cuffs sleeves and cuff legs but on the cuffs it's full rhinestone i could put my rhinestone boots on no you couldn't okay you're so shania what shirt are you wearing right now no shirt there's no shirt oh so you just wear this that's why we're different okay anyways but also jack is also in a canadian tuxedo yeah a nice uh whitewashed acid wash right washed yeah um okay well that was i guess i don't know week that it was because my other one is a good week because it's about my nails yeah what happened i finally got a russian manicure and i bit the bullet forever changed i'm changed ish it took three hours takes a long time yeah but you only have to do them like once a month yeah so this

has been like two and a half weeks there's no i still pick my thumbs because that's a whole thing but the problem is there's my purple shampoo is now getting into where my nail is it was not purple this way no these are this is the color because they couldn't do clear because they cut all my nails off so that's the whole thing i have to wait for my nails to grow out to do clear so they did this weird why'd they cut all your nails they do it on top of your nails they just did they cut off all your real nail yeah see they're all those are tips yeah that i don't like her i know you're supposed to do it over your real nail that's the whole purpose of the russian manicure they put like a gel x like a tip on it that's yeah i wanted to start over because i was

like they're getting kind of grimy i want to start from ground zero let them grow out but i mean i like them i like this color me too no not for me really i hate a color but anyways my purple shampoo is getting stuck underneath where my nail is and the tip is do you see that purple line i do yeah so i don't know what to do i'm on the fence but the three hours how often are you purple shampooing yeah that was my next literal question i look you said it i looked at her and then i looked at your hair and i was like do i need to purple shampoo more literally where's my brain you know who purple shampoos and it changes everything is jared it makes his locks oh yeah so beautiful so bright i do it like once a week but this happened yesterday so it's just stuck in there

it'll come out but anyways i don't know i'm on the fence we'll see and one of my nails is so many visual things for the podcast today i know but i also feel like we need to get this figured out we're getting married that's what i'm sure she's gonna you have to go to your old faithful well i'm seeing if maybe after the grow out i can go clear and have it look better i also think you're going to want to go to your original nail shape because this is very trendy yes i know i've already decided good next time i was gonna say this is a little bitchy for a wedding i love it too but for bridal yes great yeah going back around i'm so glad we're settled i know i'm glad we're settled do you have your dress for a wedding yet i've been looking already i got one

it's amazing wait did you buy it wait can i see it yeah i have one that i want to get well i got one given to me that i was like where wouldn't the earth would i wear this yeah and i was like jack's wedding but it's lilac purple is that not bright enough no i feel like it's like and it has like tulle and shit i love that it looks like a prom dress as long as it's like a color purple it's a color it's bright enough i think i don't know i feel like i don't want to let you down i just don't want a new jack's only doing a bright colors so all the black designer saint laurent dresses i have for weddings are not available so i have to get this bcbg thing It's a PCPG?

Yeah. Oh, my God. I want to see it. Me too. Wait, let me... Hold on. I'm filing a line. Oh.

Okay. Are we going to wait? We got to go. Okay, bye. Okay, bye. Becca, will you post it online? Yeah, but no. It's a surprise.

It's like a wedding dress. Oh. Just kidding. Okay. All right, bye. See you in a bit. See ya. This episode of Lady Gang is brought to you by Quince, and I'm so excited because, you

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Just use our code LADYGANG at checkout. HintWater.com. Now back to the Lady Gang. We are so excited to welcome back our guest today. She rose to internet fame during the pandemic with her authentic, imperfect, and hilarious videos and has continued to dominate the creator space. In 2022, she launched her podcast and her live call-in radio show, It's Me, Tinks, and was named one of Forbes' Top Creators of the Year. Now she's back, yay, with her first book, The Shift, a guide to dating, self-worth, and becoming the main character of your life. We are so excited to have her back on the pod.

Please welcome our friend, Tinks. Thank you, guys. Thanks for having me back. I love you. i'm happy to be here it's good it's good to be here dude your voice is so smooth today i know it's so sexy you know i think that we can all relate to that moment when you hit a just like a delusion level or like a you know a frazzled level where you actually become very calm you know what i mean where you're just like okay this is it's you know so uh you know a face and a voice

for radio that's what they say about me we appreciate that like if you come on lady gang with a hair mask in i feel like you're one of our people i don't know if this is a hair mask bun but like we all clearly have a hair i have a hair mask in this moment grease and when i came on and i wiped the the camera it was because there was grease maybe from chips maybe from my hair we'll never know um on my computer you know what i have embraced at the age of 32 i am just i'm a messy gal it's okay i'm not like a dirty gal there's a big difference between dirty and messy although sometimes look i don't really care again level of delusion high right now so i can sometimes be a little bit of a dirty girl you know there's a dish in the sink you know whatever whatever

but messy is a key word in my aura and i'm okay with that i'm okay she's also a dirty girl sometimes in her car dirty girl too yeah my car disgusting oh my god becca won't even sit in my car you could take cultures in a lab they could take it to that island in jurassic park and they could grow something from my car and you know what i'm but the way that i justify it is so snobby the way that i justify it hand to god especially to my mother who's like the cleanest person on planet earth is like i'm like mom i have better things to do i'm like i have i'm i'm busy like i'm building my vampire like she's like you're too busy to like get a car wash like that's not true yeah i'm doing something i'm creating and it's like just

clean your house thanks i say this to my fiance i'm like i'm not cooking or cleaning i'm too busy running a business right you do it running your empire yeah you can't you can't cook chicken except you know what's really upsetting is there was this thing written out after mother's day about how women are like taking on full-time jobs but then like still taking on full-time house stuff i saw that and i sent it to my husband and he's like let's be clear i respect what you do more than anybody but like you work six hours a week so stop acting like you're running a fortune 500 and i was like no you're right i'm like really such a dick i think that's for like women that have full-time jobs it's like my sister who's a partner at a law firm who legitimately is

chained to a desk he's like with all due respect what you've created is amazing partly because you do work six hours a week so shut the up that's the biggest feat of all is that what you were able to create in six hours a week like hello yes medals deserved like that's dope harder not harder baby um i feel like um this i'm very excited about your book it's called the shift and what i think is really interesting about this is that when i when jack and i's when i had the breakup of our mutual ex-boyfriend, there was a book called Why Men Love Bitches. And it was the only book available to a scorned, pathetic, and I mean this with love, ladies, hyper-emotional, desperado lady to heal her heart. And to, you know, there was no one that was going to tell

you how to and i mean the pun shift your mindset and your vibe going from desperado to no i'm a catch like i've got this and i feel like there was that book you're probably too young but like in the 90s that was called the rules oh yeah i feel like this is a new version of this like a cooler kind of like your big sister being like no no no and so we have so many listeners that are in relationships that are constantly writing, being like, I don't know what to do about this situation. Every single situation you could possibly get yourself into Tinks has given you exactly what to do. And in fact, she literally wrote it and then put a mark around it and was like, yo, here's what you do. So I want to talk through some of this, but first of all, um,

like putting out a book is huge and it's so much stress. And we know, cause we have to, um, um how are you feeling it's gorgeous so pretty thank you wait what color is it when i oh it's pink see i never keep the thing i do yeah i like pink how's your emotional state it's good i mean look you guys know you you know what it's like it's like you do it for you know a year and a half you write it for a year and a half you have the idea then you do the book deal then you do the whole thing and then you write it for like a year a year and a half it took me like a year and a half and then um and then you're like i'm so ready to get it out i just i'm like i'm ready i'm like let's go and um it's tough because i'm used to making things and like immediately putting

them out there and that suits my personality because like i hate high stakes i'm a very like oh like it's easy like i'm not gonna try hard so it like doesn't matter and it's like with a book you have to try hard and because it's literally gonna be there forever it's not like a tiktok that you can like take down if you didn't if it doesn't land or whatever so it's just a different muscle to flex. That being said, it's an honor and a privilege to get to write a book and it's been a lifelong dream of mine. So in that sense, I feel very fulfilled and very happy. So I'm excited. Wow. I've never had somebody be able to put into words exactly how I feel. It's the low stakes and like not trying. So you can't really be criticized. Yeah. It's such an interesting thing

because like the low stakes thing is is definitely a sneaky way that i like kind of trick myself into doing hard they are like you know i'm i'm and even like the messy thing it's like it's like we all have a little bit of that where it's like if you are the self-deprecating thing if you say it's low stakes if you don't try that hard then you can like do whatever and it's such an interesting defense mechanism that i am trying very hard to work on in therapy because it's like i do think it's cool to try hard like i really really do so it's just maybe it's out of my own fear or whatever but anyway the book is here there's a spelling mistake on page 49 and then in the acknowledgements and probably a couple more that i haven't picked up on but um you know there it is

it's gonna be there forever so i have a question for you before i get into bread crumbing which is something i want to talk about but here's my question for you it i had a conversation with a girlfriend last week about there being like two types of girls there's like cool girls and there's hustle girls and you just touched on like it's cool to try it so i'm a hustle girl and i'm like yeah do you like me i want you to like me like i you know i'm and then there's the cool girls and i was like at this event and there was like a super cool like fashion blogger icon and like she's like i'm like literally running around because it was like a shopping event and they were like had bottega and valentina bags and stuff that they were like letting you take home and i was

like trying to like figure out how many things i could take like a desperado that i am and then i was like oh what are you gonna take she's like no no i'm good like they they send me so much like i have so much stuff and i was like oh my god like live to be at that level of cool and like not needing you know that's not cool that's just like an asshole oh no she was like i think she was nice she was like i want other people to have a valentina anyway not here no there here's my question do you think that the cool girls the girls that are acting like they're not trying like dare i say and i mean this with love becca like the becca low stakes like i'm not gonna try do you think they're secretly like hustle girls and they have to force themselves to act

like that or do they really get all this stuff in life just like sitting back i think there's very few genuine cool like it's like in their blood like chloe seven yay like she just is that bitch i don't think she's ever over engineered a thought or a look or a thing in her life but those those girls are so few and far between and i think a lot of the other like cool girls that we see on instagram it's manufactured cool and they're trying very hard to just to seem mysterious and it's just like you know what's cool it's just like if you genuinely are mysterious and you genuinely don't have to try be that but if you do just lean into that i think you should just like be where you are and and just do what feels authentic to you i know authentic is like actually

disgusting word i'm gonna vomit that i said it but like you know that is that's cool to me it's just like doing doing you and well yeah i mean i know this is not my podcast interview um you guys hear enough from me but i do think that there's something about the cool girl i can only speak for my brand of cool girl my brand of cool girl is just borderline depression so like i am just genuinely i look at kelty and i'm like why can't i feel this excited i cannot fake i can't i could try but it would be so cheesy and so i genuinely if i was getting those bags i'd be like it's it's just a bag like i just i really wish that i could be excited like i was on supermarket suite but like nothing excites me like nothing right i'm dead so you're aware about

it and to me that's cool you're self-aware about it to me it's like to me the type of cool girl that i have a hard time relating to is the one who is trying so hard to be cool but isn't aware of that you know what I mean and there are always a few of those girls and it's just they're very hard to relate to and you're just kind of like why are you so guarded but I think if you're talking and being like I'm always borderline depressed whatever whatever like that's to me self-awareness is like what I look for in friends and people and whatever so I think that that's cool I think it's a lot of it is a defense mechanism too we've talked about this before with us because like when all of our success was happening at least Becca and I were like not excited but I'm like

but if this was happening to somebody else i'd be so excited for them oh my god when it's like the fear my friends take a shit and i'm like oh yeah like those nothing will ever be good enough but i feel nothing that's how we roll that's how we roll as women it's fine we're working through generational trauma but um yeah yeah you and scarlett johansson have the same speaking voice by the way yes that now see that compliment i will accept i will i will absolutely soak that in and feel good about it for the rest of the week. You could do movie, like, Marvel stuff.

ADR for her. She carries it a little bit further back, and she's like, no, I really think that skincare is important. That's insane. When I was raising my kids, that's when I realized, you know, she's like that. She's so cool. I want her boobs.

Okay, sorry. I want everything about her to be her. Alright, so this is a great segue into something that you talk about in the book, and you've talked about on your podcast and for a long time, but you kind of opened the book talking about scarcity mindset. What is the scarcity mindset and what do we do about it? So scarcity mindset is something that is really fed to all women basically from the time we're born. And it's this idea that there isn't enough to go around in every realm in terms of perfect boyfriends, in terms of good looks,

in terms of jobs. And look, some of that is true, right? Like we're only kind of starting to change things now but for a long time there wasn't enough good jobs for women to go around etc but we are told to be we are taught to be competitive with one another from the time we're young and then that creates a scarcity mindset so by that an example i mean would be like okay when your friend gets engaged you're like oh my god i'm not gonna get engaged because she got engaged we've all been there um or when you know your friend gets a promotion even though she works at a different company. You're like, oh my God, like I'm doing so badly. I'm doing so badly. And it's like, we're so comparative and we have this mindset and scarcity mindset causes us to settle.

Like scarcity mindset is why so many women are like, oh my God, I'm 30. Like it's that guy who like didn't text me back for the first six weeks of our relationship. Like, I mean, I think I just go for him. Like, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. And it's something that we have to unlearn. It's not our fault, but everyone, every woman should be living and dating from a place of abundance because that's when you, when better people drop in, better jobs drop in, you can be a better friend, like everything levels up. And it's when you, it's kind of the idea of like her success is not my failure, which is one of my favorite mantras. And I really did have to unlearn scarcity mindset and learn abundance mindset. But once I did, I was such a happier person and I do want

that to be available to everyone. That's really helpful because it's true. It's like constantly having to remind yourself that someone else's success does not mean that you have failed. Like that's, yeah. And like someone else being called pretty doesn't mean you're ugly or like your friend, like having a boyfriend doesn't mean that you're not going to have a boyfriend. Like it's just small things. But I think that women, you know, another mantra that I say all the time is like comparison is the thief of joy. Because when I was in my late twenties, I was fully spiraling i felt so behind in life and that's another thing that like adds to the scarcity mindset is that women feel so crushed by timelines like we feel so like the weight of the world on

our shoulders being like well if you're not married by the time you're 30 and like your biological clock and like did it and by the way we're told also that we are essentially depreciating assets looks wise from the time we're like 16 17 i don't know so it's like no wonder that we feel this pressure but we have to rage against that because it it has caused us in the past to make decisions that completely up our lives or make us very unhappy and it's like okay let's say you know in past generations it's just be it's been like get married by the time you're 29 get buried by the time you're 30 and then it's like okay then what you wake up and you're married to that person that you kind of you knew wasn't right in the back of your mind and then like you're still married to

them like you still have to live that life and shouldn't we be asking for more shouldn't we be demanding happiness throughout our lives I just felt like when I was growing up I was so I would I kind of was so scared because I would see that the way that society treated women after a certain age like was just like okay you get married and you have kids and then you're invisible you're ignored like your happiness doesn't matter your time is done and it's just like again it's starting to change, but it's slow. And it starts with not being afraid and not having scarcity mindset and deeply internalizing that there is enough to go around and that your friends and your fellow women, they're not your competition because they're not. And the more we unlearn that and

the more we're like, no, no, no, like you go girl or like, yes, bitch, all that stuff. Like we'll all as a group collectively get better and better. We found that like even with podcasting, because we came into the space when it was really, really male dominated. We were like getting celebrated as like female driven podcasts. And then all of these other women started to start their podcasts. And I don't know what it is. I think because Kelty has, I think Kelty is one of the like healthiest people when it comes to, um, I don't know what it is, but you don't get jealous of other women as much. I don't think you do Kelty. I think you're like a really natural champion and i think because she's like the fearless leader of us you know jack and i are

like oh my god that girl's starting a podcast like we're terrified she's gonna take our ads yeah and and kelty was always like no we make friends with you know the jackie shimmels of the world and the caitlin bristos like we go on each other's podcasts and then we get more women listening to podcasts in general and it only helps us and it was so true it was the first You did it from like a evil genius way. I mean, let's be honest. But still, it's still healthier than what the way that I looked at it. No, it was the first example of, of being proven that that actually does work.

I was skeptical. It, no, it really does. And by the way, like it's not, it's not only just your like internal fear that might have been triggered at the beginning of, of your pod and your, you know, when other women started to create podcasts, it's like people like external forces, like compare. and i'm sure you guys have this all the time too it's like any other woman they're like oh well this person versus that person and i'm like i've never met that person that's just another way like it happens on tiktok all the time they'll be like oh there's a new like tiktoker in town and

i'm like as there should be there's like women make up half the world and you are like by comparing to women it's just like with nothing else in common apart from the fact that they're women that's just a way to pit women against each other which is something that as millennial women we grew up on they fed us they fed us a strict diet of being of women comparing women think about it uh team jen or or team angelina team brad's a fucking ass why not that team what where was that option like even like this versus that like in those magazines like why were we only comparing women wearing the same boots why were we never comparing men wearing the same stupid shirt like right we didn't it was just women or like the three women just like go back and look

at magazine covers from from like the 90s and the 2000s almost every cover is like either body shaming woman or comparing her to another woman and it's like no wonder that we grew up thinking like well i need to look better in this black t-shirt than my friend there because that's how the world measures us and it's like it doesn't like the only person you need so cheesy like the only person you should be competing against is yourself because that's how you stay happy and get ahead it is so crazy though because it's like it still is so ingrained in us because when you look at any comment or any person that's saying it is always a woman and it's like it's like so based like i don't know what it is but it's like women can't help themselves because they've grown

up with it their entire lives especially in our generation i feel like gen z is probably a little bit better off but i don't know i think they are and it's like it's i i actually just did a pod episode about this myself, I was like, I talked about three areas where women need to be better about each other. And I was like, when I was planning the episode, I was like, this is so tricky for me to talk about because so much of my platform is like, I'm obsessed with women like we not that we can do no wrong, but I was just like, this is so hard. But when I was thinking about it, I was like, we do need to hold each other accountable, like in the workplace, like, I mean, we're a little bit luckier, we get to create our own work and, you know, kind of make

our own paths, but like in the corporate world, when I worked in corporate, the older women were so mean to me. And it was, and I get that letter from followers all the time being like, I'm struggling. There's this woman, she's bullying me at work and all this stuff. Like we need to be better. Like we, it's us. It's like, we have to unlearn it. It's hard, but like, it's the only way forward. I've started doing an experiment when I'm with a group of girls and I'll, a girl's name will come up and I know what's on the verge is like some trash talking. And my favorite thing to do is to to do like a really flowery compliment first yeah and i'll be like oh my god yes i did see her pictures she's so gorgeous yeah and what sucks is the slew of comments that come after

about how it's manufactured how she's fake how she's this how she's on ozempic how she's doing this i'm like can we just stop can i just sit here and admire another woman's beauty and for all of us to not feel threatened by that like let's start practicing that and let's just say you're right she's beautiful inside and out and and by the way it's it actually makes you feel more beautiful if you speak well about other people like it's like don't you want to be that person like it sounds cheesy and look like we all gossip from time to time gossip is different than bitching super important definition or trash talking it's a super important distinction but Like if you are the person who's like, oh my God, that girl is so hot.

Like she's so, I mean, she's gorgeous. Like you look hotter when you do that. Like it's, you know, and, and if you're the one who's like, oh my God, well, she's on Ozempic or like this, that, and the third, you look uglier. Like it's that simple. It's just like, what kind of energy do you want to be giving out? Because you will receive that same energy. So true.

Okay. We have to help our dating girls. Let's do it. Um, all right. So I want to, I do want to talk about breadcrumbing because it's one of Jack Vanish's favorite topics. Can we just talk about like you might be breadcrumbed if. You might be breadcrumbed if.

Okay. So in my twenties, I was like on an all breadcrumb diet. That is all I ate. Can you please explain what this is? Yes. I would go on like one, maybe two dates with a guy. They would be mediocre in my head. I've of course elevated him to God status because my only goal in life is to get a boyfriend. I'm

like, I need to have a boyfriend. I don't care who it is. This guy will do. And I'm going to fixate on him. He doesn't really text you. He will respond to a text, which of course, you know, you work yourself up. You haven't heard from him in four days. And you're like, it is the 21st century. I'm going to text him first. And all your friends are like, yeah, you should no yeah text him so you're like you know you spent half a day constructing this text it ends up being kind of weird you text him six hours later he's like yeah haha and you're like okay he's into me progressing he said yeah um you know maybe he'll if he's feeling super out there he'll respond to fire emoji to your instagram story and i always tell the girls i'm like

though they're like but he watched my watches my instagram story everybody watches your instagram story all someone watching your instagram story means is that they have eyes and a phone that is literally the only proof that it had he is probably on the toilet okay guys do not watch instagram stories and like it doesn't mean anything even if he sends you a fire flames emoji on the thirst trap that you purposefully put on your private story just for him yeah it doesn't mean anything it's the most passive thing he's just rolling the ball back to you he's literally just tapping it like you know even like i would consider like what are you doing this weekend a breadcrumb because it's like not it's just like if you're in the general vicinity of my dick maybe i will

see you maybe i could like you know drunk we could drunkenly hang or whatever but like i don't when you're not around i'm not thinking about you that's what it says it's breadcrumbs it's giving you crumped. And I accepted this behavior for a long time. And here's the thing, you have the power to stop it because the only way that you get a new result is by changing your behavior, stop responding, stop responding. And that's it. I have a question. How do you, so you're being breadcrumbed, but you know, as women, like you're saying, you've like made this mediocre man in your mind, like a God, like I used to do this thing in my twenties where I'd be on a mediocre date and I would look at the guy and I would start imagining him on a beach

vacation with our kids playing in the sand like a psychopath yeah obviously how do you how do you how do you because a lot of the times girls are like you're right you're right you're right but then they're like but this guy is so special like I remember being breadcrumbed in my 20s by this one guy and I was like but he's so much better than everyone else so I have to like yeah I have to at least stick it out because he's like superior to the others how do you talk yourself out of thinking that he's superior. So same, I did that. And when you analyze back like those times, it's usually because his checklist is what we imagined our next boyfriend or a partner would look like. Like when I think about the guys who I allowed to break on me, I'm like, they were tall,

they had good jobs. Like I don't remember for a second how they made me feel. And so what I say is the simplest but hardest advice is like don't think about who they are think about how they make you feel like when you're with them do you feel funny do you feel sexy do you feel seen do you feel intelligent like do you feel comfortable when you're not with him are you feeling calm or are you like breaking out in hives because he hasn't texted you that's what you have to go off up you've got to like let go of the checklist stuff because at the end of the day like being tall doesn't text you back and god that was my fault decade to learn that i feel like you and jack have that in common no it's literally like do i like him or is he just tall that was like my

entire 20s some of the guys literally looked like i mean i don't want to bash people's looks but like jack was like he's incredible i'm like it's he's just tall he's just like well you're saying that you're like you know he's superior to everybody else i'm like in my 20s i would think well i'd think either he's tall or he has a job like to me that would make somebody superior and worth like allowing the breadcrumbing to happen yeah which is insane totally it's insane and like we all we all allow it for different reasons we all have our things and it's just like i go back to like how you feel and you just you need to be feeling like funny sexy cool when you're around them that's the only thing that matters sexy cool that's your next book funny sexy cool um okay so

what tings has in the book are these shifts that i want to talk through and i i just love this because it's like straight out and the one we're we're this goes with what we're just talking about so the shift you have is like is he gonna text and you're like shift how do i feel when i'm not with him which we just talked about but there's this other shift that you said um the shift is our mindset is but we could have been so great together and the shift is i'm sorry for his loss yeah yeah because like as women we are like i mean it's like you said like we do these mental gymnastics and we are like imagining we are we are putting him we're cutting him out and we're sticking him in this perfect life picture that we were obsessed with the potential we're obsessed

with potential and it's like that doesn't actually like we plan in god laughs we actually have no idea if they're going to self-actualize into the man that we want them to be like we need to go more off of like how what are they doing now and like how are they making us feel now and it's like we need you need to have a little bit of like healthy ego in that moment and instead of being like but we could have been so great being like like sorry that sucks for you that you missed messed this up like it's okay to move into a little bit of that like healthy entitlement and be like tough tough move buddy but i'll be fine who knows about you it's so true the obsessing about the potential is so true we've all done it like i literally will construct to like go

every woman does like going to sleep fantasies like you know you play the movie in your head and you like make the movie and sometimes you have a really good one you use it for several months you go back to old faithful whatever whatever and it's because like women contain multitudes we're very creative very visual creatures and it's like we can see from just six hinge pictures that are shitty and one random tagline we can construct a full movie in our heads we are ai don't worry about the writer's strike you guys i can write you a rom-com baby we are ai like if i could get the movies in my head out i would be like a bajillionaire like they're the most amazing rom-coms ever but it's like the truth is it's just six shitty pictures of him in at

santa con and him with his dog on hinge like you have no idea what he's like in real life so stop like prematurely elevating him to god status when you don't even know like if he smells good or not it's like a crush is just a lack of information that was blue my goddamn mind yep i love in the shift when you say when we hang in and other things that don't count as dating it's not a date When we hang in, like, no, ask me, make a plan to show me that you're respecting my time. And that's the only part where it's like there's a little overlap there with the rules, which generally I really don't like because I think it puts all the onus on women and makes it really stressful and negative. But it's like for me, it's just about time. Like if you say when we hang in or like what are you doing, it's just again, it's like if it works, like if we're basically in the same place we can hang, you're not thinking about me when I'm not around.

And that's very important to me. It should be important to everyone is like think about the guy you're hung up on and be like, is he thinking about me when I'm not around? Because if the answer is no, don't you deserve more? Like that's very basic. Like when I'm, when I'm into someone, I think about them. I miss them. I want to hang with them. I, I make effort to see them make a plan in advance.

And it's like, if he's not even, if he doesn't even care enough about you to try and block off a day to see you and ask you in advance, like, come on, like, yeah, the bars and how the bars, um, okay. When we come back, I want to talk about how to lose friends and influence people. This episode of lady gang is brought to you by athletic greens. When Chris is going to play his hockey games, he's like, got to have my greens. We have it in the little tub. It's right in our pantry.

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building. I love this. And then I actually was very surprised that you did this because most people, when they go through a hard part of their life, they're like, let's never talk about it again. And kind of the end of the book is you talking about this thing that you call the purple machine and this section called how to lose friends and influence people about, you know, becoming a very public famous person on the internet and then up and then having to live with that and what that was like. Why did you choose to put that in the book? I would not have chosen that. I would have been like, it never happened by. Yeah. I mean, Tweetgate happened while I was writing the book and it did change me so much as a person. And it did really like

put things in a new perspective in terms of like my job and influencing my relationship with the internet and I at first I was like well what place does this have in a dating book in a self-worth book but it like it affected me as a person it affected my self-esteem it affected my you know my friendships and everything so I was like it you know it deserves a place like it and also like it was a way for me to process like anyone who is a creator of any sorts knows that like you process through writing or doing whatever you do. So I was just like, I, this is the moment in time that it happened. And I, I want to talk about it in the book and you know, I hope that it illuminates things for some people. Well, I loved when you talk about this purple machine, can you like

explain, this was revolutionary to me and, and I just want to touch on it. Cause I think it's so interesting basically about how you find some, someone new and you love them and we build them up and then we can't wait to crush them talk what is the purple machine explain what that is so like even before i was like on the internet i would always see um like celebrities when they would start to get famous they would seem kind of more like us and it's like it's exacerbated when it's internet people because it happens at a so fast it's so fast and also like you have closer proximity to them and like they start off and like they have frizzy hair too and like they have like you know zits too and their hair is like whatever whatever and then all of a sudden you

look up and like their hair is shiny and they have a stylist and it's like a really good example of this is the season one to season two jump in housewives where it's like in the first season everyone is just like a normal rich housewife and then in the second season they just the sheen it's just like they've gone through this machine and for whatever reason in my head i imagine that there was this like center um in hollywood where you would go and when you'd be be tapped and then they would put you on a conveyor belt and they would like crank you in and then you'd come out and you would be like the, the Hollywood version. And I, I don't know, for whatever reason, that's what I imagine it. And it was interesting for me because it's like, I went into the pandemic

with no followers, no job, nothing. And then it was like quarantine. And then I came out and I was like, how do all these followers, I still don't think I've gone through the big purple machine, but like, I like talk about it and think about it. And there's aspects of my life that are purple machining but if you spend enough in pr you will get to go through the purple machine yeah exactly you the pr is a big part of the purple machine they facilitated a lot yeah yeah but it's just um yeah you know i think about relatability i think it's just it's it's interesting because i think you know a lot of people fall in love with creators because they are so just like them and you know you're you're in your living right you know when you when a

creator starts out that just like they're just like you they're literally in their living room and i think that's what makes it feel so exciting when a person you like gets their first pr package or goes to their first red carpet because it feels like you you're you know you're like well i like it's me going to my first red carpet it's me getting glam the first time and then they get glam more and then they get like better clothes and then all of a sudden they get like a lot of pr every day and you're like well wait why is that person like getting all this free stuff and like just a month ago, they were just like me and why can't I monetize my side hustle and why am I not getting glam? And then all of a sudden that person you love that felt like, you know, you, they bought

a house because of all of the, you know, success. And then all of a sudden it's, you know, it's not so fun anymore. And it's an interesting, you know, conversation about the life cycle of influencers and like how you, you know, how you evolve and how you grow and, and, you know, how you stay relatable without without it feeling forced because it's a fine line to toe and and i think about it often yeah yeah it's really it's like kind of human nature too if you start off on a platform as being relatable it's like us with this podcast like it's very much me being on a hit tv show was i received so much less like negative attention because it was like i was introduced to people in their living rooms already on a hit TV show. So they're like, I never thought she was

my friend. I never thought we'd sit at a table together. Like it's just how you and your brain works. Starting this podcast, I've never received more like just scrutiny and they love seeing us fail. Some of the girls that started with us in its infancy, because they were like, we were together. We were on this journey together. And it's like, I get it as, as human nature, like you don't want to see yourself getting, you know, pasta or, or like lap them in the, whatever this game of life is. So it's, we had that a lot. Like we had girls who were our OG people. They were like, we're with you. We love hearing about your life and your wins and you're nominated for people's choice award. And then it's like, suddenly we get a little too much success

and they're burning our merch. And I'm like, what the happened? And it was because we went, we've got too fancy. You flew too close to the sun. Yeah. And it really comes back to our conversation before about like, you know, sadly it's women. And it's like, with me, it's like, I felt like I was, it was just this insane year and a half and it was just like everything. And there were moments where I was like, this is too good. This is too good. This is like something I just felt like i don't know uh whatever and then yeah i mean the people who the people in my hate group online who went through 10 years of tweets and cherry picked eight of them that weren't great and wanted to ruin my life like they were women and like that i think that that's you know really

interesting they they didn't care about like what the tweets were about like it wasn't about you know fat phobia or anything like that it was about watching me burn and ruining my life and i mean it's a really interesting, I mean, to your point, like that's why I put it in the book too, because I think it's an interesting conversation. I want to be aware of it, of these dynamics that occur with, you know, online and parasocial relationships and success and how we, how we handle, especially women who it does feel like they're girl bossing too close to the sun and we just got to hack them down a little bit. It's actually so funny that you're talking about this just as like a last thought, because I think whether you are, you know, an influencer with

PR packages and stuff, or it's just in your regular life. And it's your friends who are getting married or having their babies or getting to take their family on a cruise when maybe you're still struggling or maybe have less credit card debt than you. Like all of this is like, it can be applied to real life. And I actually like have just been thinking it's written in my journal beside the notes for this episode, where I was like, how do I react to other people's joy? Because like when good things happen to me, I want people to be happy for me and I want it to be real and not like fake but then I have to like deeply look at myself and be like when good things are happening to other people am I able to really truly be happy for them and celebrate them

am I able to talk down the dragon that is like oh no you know and like you know to be 100% honest with you tinks like I remember at Christmas you had an Aldo deal and I was like I love shoes and you looked so shiny in these ads that came out on Instagram I was like where's our Aldo deal like I it might be because you didn't pronounce the brand correctly aldo aldo well there you go but you know what i mean like i think but you have to stop yourself and be like no no like everything's okay you're not the titanic you're not sinking this person's allowed to be shiny they're lovely you're lovely everything's gonna be okay so i think moment sorry to cut you off i'm just really curious did you have a moment where you wanted to just be done like at when that was going on

where you were like, I'm going to delete it all and move on. Yeah, I had a couple moments. I mean, it was so bad. It was like, and again, I wanted to be super clear. I'm sorry for what I said. My tweets weren't nice. But like, I don't think that the punishment fit the crime. Like I was getting multiple death threats.

My family was getting death threats. And I was like, I wrote a tweet when I was 21. Like we got to just check in here. But it didn't feel like that at the time. And sometimes I had to remind myself. I was like, you didn't, you know, you hit a dog with your car. Like you'd sent a tweet, like no one was hurt. You didn't steal any money.

Like, I mean, I had to like remind myself because the response, it felt so extreme. And I had many moments I would just break down. And, you know, I had one moment I called one of my mentors and I was like, I, I got to quit. Like, I can't, I can't go on. I don't have any joy. I don't have anything left. And he was like, no, no, like I got, I got a plan.

We're going to get you back. Like you got, you got this. And like, it took a lot of behind the scenes, you know, therapy and other stuff to kind of just be okay. But yeah, of course I wanted to quit. Yeah. Does any part of you feel grateful that it happened? A thousand percent.

And I really, really mean that. I don't mean that in a like, and like influencer, like I grew from it way. Like I, it saved me. It genuinely saved me for so many reasons. It recalibrated me. It made me understand, like, who I am as a person. It really made me understand about this industry, how people work, about friendships. You know, I lost a couple of friends, but I'm so glad I did, about fame, about everything.

Like, it was, it truly, and that's another reason why I put it in, because I am so glad that it happened when it did. And, you know, I believe everything happens for you, not to you. And it took, again, a long time for me to see that. But now that I have, I'm like, I feel stronger and I feel, I feel better in a better place. That's amazing. I love it. Well, thank you for the authenticity. Thank you.

No, like, but I mean, there's no other way to say it. And you guys, the book is fabulous. Her, uh, Tink's new book, The Shift, The Guide to Dating Self-Worth and Becoming the Main Character of Your Own Life is out right now. She's on her book tour, May 22nd. Uh, you already saw her in Ridgewood, New Jersey. She's going through to June 3rd in Chicago. And, um, tonight, if you're listening to this today, she's at the Grove, you guys at 7

PM in LA. We know we have so many LA listeners. So make sure that you head on over. The book is out, uh, May 22nd. Congratulations to you. And, um, you already follow her on all her socials. I love you guys so much, but congratulations on the book. It really is a fabulous, you did a fabulous job.

I love you guys. Thank you so much. Okay. We will see you next Tuesday. Thanks for listening. The Lady Gang is produced by Alex Ingber, Steve Delameter, and Jared Monaco. Make sure you subscribe, rate, and review our podcast. And if you love it, share it with your friends on social media.

Like, oh my God, I just listened to Lady Gang. This episode's so great. Swipe up to listen. And if you really want to, which we know you do, please follow us on social. At Kelty, at Becca, at Jack Vanek, and at The Lady Gang. Sign up for our newsletter at theladygang.com and join our secret Facebook group. It's super fun. See you next Tuesday.

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