Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - A Journey of Exploration and Connection

Episode Date: February 7, 2024

In today's episode we’re continuing our journey with Ken and Marla, a couple I've been helping to boost their intimacy. Their story is like so many others. Marla has been opening up about her shyness around masturbation, and I've got to say, I'm proud of her for being so honest. Ken has been amazing, too—totally supportive of Marla's journey into self-exploration. I always tell people how crucial masturbation is for your personal health and really getting to know your body. It's a game-changer, especially for your sex life together. I've recommended a vibrator that I think could be a great fit for Marla, and I'm all about them experimenting to find out what feels good. And it's not just about those intimate moments in the bedroom. Ken and Marla have been finding ways to connect in their everyday lives, which is just beautiful. They're on this path to achieving orgasm together during sex, and let me tell you, they're making some fantastic progress. Here is a glimpse of what we explore: Ken and Marla's relationship update and experiences with intimacy Incorporating a vibrator into sexual activities Guidance on enhancing physical intimacy Ken and Marla's efforts to maintain physical connection Prioritizing Marla's pleasure during intimate moments Recommendations for exploring new ways of intimacy Masturbation and its role in understanding one's body and enhancing comfort Advice on using a specific vibrator and experimenting with different options The importance of consistent physical intimacy and building intimacy in different moments The goal of achieving an orgasm during a sexual encounter and inspiring others through their journey This episode is a big one because it's not just their story—they inspire so many others dealing with the same issues. Stick with me, and let's see where their journey takes us next! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Marla and Ken, I'm so happy to talk to you guys again. This is our third session.

Yes, it is. Okay, give me the update. What's happening? All right. Well, I think it's an interesting update, at least from my perspective. We probably would get a C minus on the homework, but I think we'd get triple A plus on modifying the homework. All right. Tell me what you mean. So from my perspective, it's been an unusually busy week and month. I'm sorry. Other than having children together, you know, renovating a home together is quite an undertaking and we've been on on the same page even when we differ on what to do never had an argument nothing nothing to fight about but it is amazing how coordinated you know we've been during this past month and that coordination brings a lot of togetherness

yeah and with the togetherness comes a lot of sensuality because you know marla's amazing physically and emotionally and otherwise so you know we've done a lot of hugging and we've done a lot of touching but we've moved off the you know once a week thing and we planned that we just didn't yeah yeah we haven't we've been less regimented about it but we've never abandoned embracing it and executing it just in a different way so that's why i say we get very high marks you're doing it. We just kind of moved off the homework assignment and did it a little differently, just really out of necessity. You know, the day flies by, you're absolutely exhausted at night. And the last thing we want to do is, oh, forgot to do this, forgot to do that. So we got it done

in different ways in different times of the day. But I think by and large, we got it done. And I never felt, you know, outside of a little bit here, a little bit there. I mean, in 38 years, you're going to feel disconnected every now and then. But I don't think I've ever been more connected with Marla than I've been the last couple of months. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we've been talking to you over the last few months. It's somebody, you know, in your ear kind of reminding you, you know, to think things

through in a more, just at a deeper level. On a more conscious level, like more intentional about it. Yeah, more intentional. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that that's helped me over the last month quite a bit. And Marla was an unusually bad mood one day this past week or last week, I forget. And Marla said something to me. And usually I'll let it roll off my shoulder, but it doesn't roll off my shoulder, to be honest with you. So rather than harness it and be- Hold on to it.

yeah yeah and be pissy about it i just said marla what are you giving me a hard time for you know well let's like let's talk about it and i put my hands on her shoulder and she's you know marla calm down a little bit and you know again the power of touch the power of being direct the power of being there and not hoping things will just go away you know it all kind of rolls together so i think more has happened with us this month than in prior months that have allowed us to really execute the things you're saying if not in the exact manner and time in a more interesting way at least from my perspective and how did she take it when how did she respond when you instead of brushing it under the rug and holding on yourself to that

simmering resentment which is you know reasonable when we when our partners are reactive to us how did she handle no Marla was really good you know she recognized that she was a bit snappy or abrupt with me and I wasn't looking for an apology yeah it was I just wanted to reset more you stood up for yourself but yeah you know instead of taking it I just said wait a minute and you know I can't say that it felt good because I wasn't trying to accomplish anything by it other than the fact that it was you know don't direct this at me that's what you said i didn't do anything yeah yeah he was just she was about something else and she kind of took it out yeah right and that's fine we won't do that i don't have any problem with that but you know for whatever

reason i just felt like wait a minute let's pump the brakes instead of okay get it out of your system let's move on it was like let's talk about it let's address it and let's nip it in the bud and move forward how'd that feel to you marla it was good i mean his exact words were and i was glad he's like hey if you're in a bad mood don't take it out of me don't take it out of me and i was like i was very triggered it's hurricane season with grief as you well know and i just had like deliveries going to other areas that triggered my past things and it had nothing to do with him but when he asked where the paint was i was it just was like the last straw like you know where the paint is go find the paint but i was i was very cross and i'm rarely that i'm that's just

not my nature but you pulled it back you responded i did i did and i explained exactly why i was triggered and he understood it and he was compassionate, it was over. So when you say that because the homework I gave you ongoing physical homework, right, to build on what we call focus, to do the touching exercises, you were really busy renovating this house, juggling a million things. But if I'm understanding what Ken said, and I want to check in with you about this, Marla, if I'm understanding what Ken said correctly, that even though you weren't doing the homework, there was a lot more physical connection and intimacy in the form of cuddling, hugging, touching, sensual connection. Or I mean, that was his experience, he said. But I want to

check in with yours. Yeah, we talked about this last night. You know, we've had sex probably twice since we spoke to you, which is very good for us. Yeah, two times in one. But I said, Ken, you know, were still not discussing my pleasure. Like I loved it. It was awesome. But I would also like to have the same pleasure or at least attempt that you had. And Dr. Laura encouraged us that it's not you. It's just, you know, women and when, when they, you know, so I know it's not part of the homework, but I would love to address getting more comfortable with a vibrator. So we had a vibrator date last night, but I had a really, I was getting over like really bad kind of sinusitis thing. And I just, we didn't even sit down till dinner till six o'clock. So

I said, Kenny, I want to be in the right frame of mind. I want to be rested. I want to be. So you haven't had your toy date yet? We have not, but it is charging as we speak. All right. And what toy is it? Is it a small external one or an internal one? Yes. It's a little, yes. Okay. So that's perfect. And that's what we want to start with is something that you can play with externally, but that can also add stimulation during intercourse. So let me check in with you, Kenny. How are you feeling? Do you need any direction? Are you feeling okay about bringing this in? Because as we talked about last time, I think it was last time or the time before we spoke, we've had so many sessions at this point. But we talked about

how if you're over 40, as a woman, you gotta embrace the vibrator. And it doesn't matter if you have the most magical penis and body and know how to use it on the planet. That added stimulation is needed. Our bodies are not designed yet to live as long as we're living. Our bodies haven't caught up with, evolution hasn't caught up with modern medical technology. So we're living longer, which is wonderful, but we have to compensate and attend for things. And one of them is the diminished blood flow and sensation that happens in women as we hit 40. And yes, testosterone therapy helps and there are things you can do to help, but pretty much every woman, she's going to be orgasmic, needs the help. And it looks like before we got started,

You were showing me the books on Ken's night table, which were lots of great resources for stimulating a woman, and that will all help. But the vibrator is going to be really helpful too. And what you can do, there's two ways. So one, what you want ideally without putting major pressure on it, especially in the beginning, because you want to keep the expectations low, is to maybe the first time not even try to have intercourse and use the vibrator on the clitoris during penetration. Just use the vibrator while you're holding her, kissing her, fondling her. You hold the vibrator or Marla, you hold the vibrator and Ken puts his hand over yours. But I want it to be like kind of a, I don't want you just holding the vibrator and him sitting

there and I want him involved. And then once you have an orgasm, assuming you do, and I'm assuming you will, but you may not, then you can go ahead and have intercourse and either use it again if you feel the need or just have intercourse like you normally would. And your orgasm is already in the bag because you've already had one, right? Over time, you can do that as part of foreplay and then during intercourse. Because if you're in certain positions, for instance, the spoon position or if, Marla, you're on top or doggy style, those give you an opportunity to use the vibrator with intercourse. So there's room for one or the other of you to hold the vibrator on there. Does that make sense?

Yeah, it makes a lot of sense. I think we're both, I feel very like third grade-ish on this because I've never really used it often. So I'm a little bashful and I told Kenny, like, it's not like I'm this expert and I'm going to show you how to do it. We're kind of learned together. And I even did say, I remember our first session

when you came honest with Dr. Laura, like you were feeling like you didn't follow up on it before because this thing could do something that I couldn't do. It didn't make him feel so great. Yeah, which is really typical. I mean, I think a lot of kids, until they understand what I was saying earlier about just it's age, it's not you,

they don't really, you know, it's a natural assumption. Like, what? You need a machine to do what I, you know? Right. So are you on board with this, Kenny? Do you understand what I'm saying? Absolutely, 100%. Are you still feeling any parts of what you felt before?

No, no. Definitely not. He's ready. He's ready to vibe. Hi, Marla. I'm excited. And what was good last night, at least again from my perspective, was at around quarter to six, I reminded Marla that we had a date. And Marla said, you know, Kenny, I'm just wiped out.

And I go, that's okay. But in the past, I wouldn't say anything. That's true. Right. And after I was hoping that it would blow away, I've kind of given the lead role in that to Marla. And that's silly. And that's not fair either. So I'm trying to exert a more, at least an equal, not that Marla has taken it away from me. It's just my nature. But I'm trying to demonstrate at least an equal, if not a more dominant role in, you know, like, let's get to it. Let's have sex. Let's, you know, it's time or even when it's not time, you know, because mom is amazing.

I mean, there's no. That's so beautiful because one of the first issues that we talked about was her sense that you had checked out. Right. And that you had to initiate and that you weren't really in it anymore. So you taking that assertive role and taking the initiative and even being assertive about it, not in a loving way and an open-minded way, is probably pretty hot to her, right, Marla? Very much so. Yeah, very much so. Yeah, because I was going through my own thing, like, do things still work the way they used to? and the other night I think it's a testament to how more open and honest we're being thanks to you

is I said like I was just a little envious because he had this great orgasm orgasm and I'm like maybe like where can I ask Dr. Laura like do we do because when you know when he does he's he gets very tired it's very normal yes yeah whatever so I guess also I was thinking all the books on his table. I'm like, I wonder what books he read, how much he read, but I didn't want to ask, you know, like I didn't want to be like this little impetuous bratty girl, you know. It's not a bratty girl. It's a learning curve. You know, most men, especially of our age and stage in life, but really all men, because even the younger ones are getting their sex education from porn, which doesn't teach you anything about how to stimulate a woman unless they have been

with a woman who has taken the time and the guy's been open enough to be curious and she knows her own response enough to be able to teach him, right? And that's a rare thing, right? But unless he's been with someone like that or is with someone like that, or he's read books and studied himself how to do it and practice some, he doesn't know, right? So I think it's really helpful. And what I would say, so there's two ways to go about this. So you're absolutely right. Until you're like 25, assuming you're a healthy young male, you can reach orgasm usually multiple times, not maybe in a row. If they're 18, they probably do it in a row. But as you get older, what's called the refractory period, the period between orgasm and when you can get hard again for a guy

gets longer and longer and longer. And as we get older, our energy is lower. So, and we get tired after orgasm. And so, so yes, at orgasm for Ken is probably the punctuation mark on the physical sexual encounter. That doesn't mean you don't kiss, cuddle, hang out afterwards, but he probably, he could, you could do some after play and stimulate her, but I honestly think it works better to take care of you first, Mark. Yeah, I agree. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level,

whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams, and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage, the quantum sex free course, check it out and let me know what you think. And so there, what I would say is the step one is to just keep it simple, keep it simple, stupid, like keep it simple with the vibrator exploration before sex, ideally an orgasm for Marla before intercourse begins. And then if so inspired, once you get it down a little bit,

playing with the vibrator during intercourse and having an orgasm that way, either simultaneously, if you can time it that way to when Ken's having an orgasm or before he has an orgasm or whatever. And then in the meantime, I think Ken, it's really, it would be really helpful homework to give you to just study. There's one more book I'm going to give you. Well, two actually. One is mine, which is called Loving Sex. We have that book. Okay. Okay. And the second is She Comes First by a woman named Lou Padgett. And we'll put this in the show notes for everybody. Okay. So the reason I want you to get that book, Ken, is because she lays out with diagrams and drawings and step-by-step instructions how to manually stimulate and how to orally

stimulate a woman. And so what I want you to do when you get that book is I want you, Marla, to go through the book and choose, you know, there's like, I don't know, 10 different ways to manually stimulate the fire starter, the, this thing that, you know, there are all these names and they're silly, whatever, but there are all these different techniques. I want you to go through and pick one or two for manual stimulation, one or two from oral stimulation, and then your job, and this is just a game, no pressure. Your job, Ken, is to study those techniques and practice them in vivo as part of foreplay

without the goal of it creating earth-shattering orgasms, because this is a learning curve. This is a new skill set, right? It can be hilarious, right? It doesn't have to be serious and sensual. It can be like, wait, let me get my leg over here. Hold on, I'm cramping. You know, like you can have fun with it, but you're learning and playing together, experimenting with things that seem appealing to you, Marla. I like that.

Okay. And you can do the same thing. The Loving Sex book has a lot of illustrations and techniques. You read Dr. Love, but we had it. We had it actually. It's a bigger book. So it's not on the night table. But the point is, you can look at those, Marla, look at that book until you get the, I mentioned, and pick out one or two things from there you want to try.

And so as you're doing that, except for the vibrator, which should, unless you're really inhibited and cringing, which I don't think you'll be, it should create an orgasm if you're in physical condition to have an orgasm. You know what I mean? It should create an orgasm. So, I'm not really worried about the vibrator piece, but with these other techniques as you're learning them, the goal is not orgasm. It's just playing and exploring and noticing, oh, yeah, that feels really good. Stay there for a minute. Oh, yes, you're opening the lines of communication where you're lovingly and maybe even playfully and supportively giving feedback about, yeah, this actually... I could see myself getting there this way if we stayed with it for a while or yeah, you know, thought I would like this, but it actually felt a little irritating after a minute. And I think I really needed was for you to blah, blah, you know what I mean?

So you'll, you'll start exploring that. And then you'll create over time, you'll create a menu, like a Chinese menu of things that work, right? And then, you know, three different manual techniques and three different oral techniques that Marla specific loves. Right. And then you can fold those in with or without the vibrator as needed. And then the goal ultimately down the road, not right away, is always to work toward getting an orgasm in the bank for Marla before intercourse and orgasm for Ken. it's great good sense sound like yes and sounds like a point so what i might need a little help like i don't privately pleasure myself i used to but i haven't done so in a very long time which

is a much bigger story not sure why but i want to get back to that but i i always feel like well i don't want to do it when he comes home because i feel like it would insult him and i'm also a little shy, like I haven't done it in so long. I think the ultimate fear is that I'll do it and nothing will happen. That's probably what's preventing me. Well, chances are, unless you use a vibrator, which you absolutely can and should do. Yes. It's not going to happen on your own. No, that's what I meant with the vibrator. That's what. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. If you want to do that, absolutely. In fact, I'm a huge proponent in monogamous or whatever relationships, even when you have

a partner, masturbation is so helpful for two reasons. One, it keeps the area healthy and blood flow going there and the nerves enervated, but it also keeps you in touch with how things are changing because they're always changing, especially as our hormones change. So yeah, it's taken me a lot longer. oh, when I squeeze these muscles in my Kegels, when I squeeze my Kegel muscles, that actually increases. So you're experimenting without the pressure or expectations of a partner with you or the self-consciousness of a partner with you, even a very trusted partner. You're learning a

lot about what works that can then translate into your relationship together. So let's just put it on the table ken are you okay with her would you take it personally if she masturbated with that intention not to replace you but yeah no not at all not at all i think that could be kind of sexy knowing that she's in the other room taking care of herself while you're walking she can come down and sit right next to me and do it okay i don't think she's ready for that yet we're gonna have to tackle some of these inhibitions the next sec so you know ken's gonna be ready to be swinging from the chandeliers you were the one that wanted more sex to start with and now you're gonna have created a monster and that would be my best problem

a good problem yeah that would be a great opportunity but are you okay with that marla starting to experiment a little bit on your own yes Yeah. I want to just get over this because I feel like I have been out of touch with my own body for quite some time. Yeah. So that's super important. And I'm really glad you brought it up because if you can do that, even before you bring the vibrator in between the two of you, now you've made friends with her. You're like got the routine down, know what works, And then you go to explore it. Right. But remember that orgasm, let's not put the pressure of orgasm on any of this. Like I said, it's likely you'll have an orgasm through a vibrator unless you start eating your head with like puritanical self punishing thoughts, you know, that turn you cold and shut you down. Unless something like that is happening. Oh, no. Physiologically, especially with a clitoral vibrator, you should probably and bring in fantasy. Imagine Ken doing something to you. Imagine being Cleopatra on a slab of marbles. Someone was just recently telling me whatever. It doesn't matter if you need to bring in fantasy. Go ahead. But just the stimulation alone should really feel good.

yeah yeah yeah i'm looking forward to getting over that like how can i expect kenny to be comfortable if i'm not comfortable right and how can you expect him to get you there if you're right comfortable right exactly so you have to be lubricated so to speak to mentally and physically yes mentally and physically is there a vibrator that you i mean i have this is very funny my niece used to sell these toys and I was babysitting her sweet baby my grandnephew and I was missing Kenny this goes back 12 years and she's like well my business didn't do very well here's all these toys I have I have a box of magic but I don't know if there's one in particular that or different one particular kind that that you would that I would have most

success with i have i always start people out for on one when i am asked on one from my line which i have a line of toys and devices that you can get at cal exotics so i think it's cal exotics.com but we got the lubricant no no i think that was an etsy store where you got the lubricant but if you go to cal exotics.com and you look up it's called the athena like the guy you know and it's in in my line and i think you may even be able to get it on amazon or walmart or whatever but it's called the athena and it's a little waterproof cylindrical small little vibrator with a round flat top that has these different attachments you can put on it if you want oh great but it's it what it's nice it's right it's small enough really small so it fits in between

the two of you, but the circumference of the top goes around your clitoris and their surrounding tissue, which I think is really helpful. And then you angle it different ways. You move it around, you experiment, right? And you're also going to want to, you'll learn this. I mean, you may already know this, but like, you're not going to necessarily, it's not going to feel so good to just put the vibrator on the clitoris and just leave it there, right? You're going to want to angle it, move it around a little bit, take it off, put it back on. So you'll play with that and experiment. Okay. I don't know. You can show me the one you have charging and I'll tell you a good one to start. You're going to laugh. I'm going to show you the, uh, you're a part of it. She's not going

to actually use them on camera. She's just going to show them. That's funny. Okay. So this is the one i was charging it has a little suction yeah okay and then i have this these are all the ones my niece gave me you're gonna love this okay that's all right that's a very complicated yeah these are the complicated ones not the starters yeah those and then i have these little guys with the remotes okay that that would be good i would play with that one first something if you don't have the Athena. Let me see what else. I don't have the Athena. I have this guy. That could work externally. And then I have. Oh, that's the best of all. Okay. So that's the one I want you to start with. Okay. Or one of the two you just showed me externally. Okay. The nice thing about

those two small ones you just showed me externally that look like small little dildos. No, the other to these guys is that you can rest those over your clitoris and labia, right? It kind of covers more area. So that may actually feel good to you. And still all of these that you're showing me, the little small dildo one, the bullet and a little suction one, and I'll get to the suction one in a minute and all be great because you can use them in ways externally that still allow for penetration. Now, my only issue with the suction one, that's great too, but it's a different kind of stimulation. It's supposed to mimic oral sex. And some women love the suction thing. Some women, not so much. They don't mind it. So if that may not be the one that is... So I think

this is great because you have options here. Experiment on your own. You don't have to have a whole session with each one, but you can, but I mean, you could have one session where you try different ones and see what feels the best. And then that's the one that you use the next time you try it with Kenny. And then, and you're not going to only do this once by yourself, like on a regular basis. So each time you'll learn a little more. Oh, now let's try the suction one during intercourse. Oh, now let's try, you know, so you can play with this, but Okay. Exploring on your own and getting the lay of the land and then bringing it into sex is a great plan. That sounds awesome. Good. The homework I gave you was around touching

and sensuality, which as Kenny said, you guys have been attending to in other ways and to make sure that you were keeping physical intimacy consistent. And you did that through intercourse, right? You had physical intimacy through sex a couple of times. You had lots of essential intimacy. So yeah, I mean, you didn't do your homework assignment, but you accomplished most of the goals I had for you. So. Yeah. And I think that it was just a really, I don't want to use a reminder. It's much more than that. Like it has allowed us to find intimacy like in every moment. Like we went to a concert in the city and it wasn't so good. It was like a big Christmas concert at a church

and we were intimately giggling at like the different parts of the orchestra sounded like they had different scores but you know we had our own little like intimacy giggling and I don't know it's just brought us closer I think in many many ways you know after plays after plays like never been a strong suit with us but that's like a goal down the road you know that I'd love to to get to, because it really extends that, the beauty for me anyway. Yeah, absolutely. And we can build on that. It's harder. It's much harder afterwards. And there's strategies around that, like being intimate at times where you have a lot of energy. So you're not as likely to need to pass out after orgasm. So there's things you can do. But in my mind,

the first goal is to get you having an orgasm during a sexual encounter together. Absolutely. Having orgasms during a sexual encounter together, if not necessarily every time, but certainly when using a toy. And if we can navigate that, then we can start with the afterplay piece. But for now, we want the orgasms in the foreplay, not in the afterplay. Absolutely. And even if for now there's cuddling and talking afterwards, rather, you know, maybe not direct stimulation after play, but after play in terms of connection and cuddling and kissing and talking, even if it's just staying awake for five more minutes, right? That's building the muscle. because we do get in the habit our body gets in the habit of like oh at night time you know it's like turkey it's like tryptophan you know that's what it seems like for ken yeah i'm sure for a lot of it is for a lot of people i mean it happens to me not to my husband i'm the same way like put me night after i'm ready like i'm like i've just been drugged so for me i could clean the whole house now yeah like i'm just yeah everyone reacts differently but you can work with that and work

around it by different strategies so you have your marching orders we'll check back in in a month that's so exciting thank you so much for this it's really i feel like we're helping you know you guys are not unique this is something that i think we're through your journey you're showing other people how to do it too. So this is great. That's awesome. Thank you so much. Yes, absolutely. Home run, Dr. Laura. You're the one getting the home run, Ken, not me. But I'm bummed. That's true. You baby. All right, guys. Enjoy. wrote me a prescription but there is no cure for