Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - A Love Story in 250 Questions with Lindsay Jill Roth

Episode Date: March 12, 2025

Is your hesitation—your fear of being fully seen—actually keeping you from the deep, lasting connection you crave? In this episode of The Language of Love Conversation, I sit down with Lindsay Jill Roth, award-winning producer and author of Romances and Practicalities: A Love Story (Maybe Yours) in 250 Questions.  Lindsay isn’t afraid to tackle the tough stuff. We dive deep into the role of religion in relationships, the stigma around dating divorced people, and why so many of us shut down love before it even has a chance to grow. She also takes on a challenge so many career-driven women face—hitting their 40s, finally ready to settle down, only to realize that most of the men they’re meeting are already dads. How do you navigate that? How do you avoid getting stuck in this situation in the first place? And most importantly—how do you move forward without settling for something that isn’t right for you? We’re diving into: Why so many people feel lost in love—even with endless advice at their fingertips The hidden ways we sabotage our relationships without realizing it How asking the right questions can transform how we connect with a partner The surprising link between communication and attraction (yes, talking can be sexy!)  Why those “butterflies” you feel might actually be a red flag The tough topics we avoid—like religion, divorce, and long-term compatibility Why we’re too quick to write people off early in relationships (and what we might be missing) How self-awareness and personal growth shape who we attract The key to building emotional safety, trust, and deeper intimacy Want more from Lindsay? Connect with her on Instagram and check out her book Romances and Practicalities: A Love Story (Maybe Yours) in 250 Questions for even deeper insights.  Remember to check out my Quantum Sex Course for next-level intimacy and connection. And as always, let’s keep having these conversations about love, sex, and relationships—because even though it’s still a taboo topic, it’s one we need to be talking about.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman. And for the past 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Here on the Language of Love Conversations, I'm talking to some of the world's most influential and revolutionary experts, thought leaders, spiritual teachers, and celebrities about love, sex, and relationships from a mind, body, and spirit perspective. and that way my goal is to awaken your mind body and soul it's time to become fluent in the language of life lindsey jill roth is an award-winning television and live events producer who's created

and developed a wide variety of programming globally but she is also the author of several books. Most recently, a really fascinating one called Romances and Practicalities, a love story, maybe yours, in 250 questions. It's part love story, part instruction manual for not only taking a deeper dive into your current relationship, but really, truly setting yourself up for success in your dating life, if you are looking to call a really beautiful partner into your life, if you are wondering

how to take your relationship to the next level or whether or not to take it to the next level, or you're in a relationship, but you want to go even deeper, you are going to love this Language of Love conversation with Lindsay Jill Roth. Lindsay Jill Roth,

thank you so much for joining us on the Language of Love. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited. Yeah, I'm excited too. Your book is just coming out. And we're actually talking a little bit before the officially releases. But I believe at the time this comes out, it will be just about out there.

It's available for pre-purchase before that, but just about out there. And I know you've been doing a lot of press and there's been a lot of interest. For me, as I've been in this relationship biz for 30 years, I thought it was really cool because when I'm always astounded still, I mean, obviously couples come to me for help at all different stages of relationship, premarital counseling, after 40 years together, everywhere in between, when they're in crisis, when they just want to improve things. But it still amazes me that with as much availability of information there is now, not just around relationship health, but around personal growth, that people still are so, you know, and I say this with love, but so freaking clueless. It's something about it. There's so much information everywhere about everything. It's not actually that hard to eat healthy, right? Or to know how to eat to fuel your body. But actually, so many people don't know how to do that. And it seems to be a fundamental, right? Yeah. Communication. And that's what it really comes down to.

It's not just, I mean, that's what the book is about. These, you know, the book is called Romances and Practicalities, A Love Story May Be Yours in 250 Questions. And we're going to talk about how this came to be because that's a really cool part of the book. But I think one of the things that I think is really interesting and so important

because I'm always saying to people, you are going to attract in, if you're looking for love, and I know this book is applicable, whether you're in a current relationship or looking for love. But if you're looking for love, and quite frankly, even in your current relationship, the partner that comes in and or the partner that shows up for you is a direct match to where you are emotional health-wise and emotional awareness-wise.

And so the only thing we can control, obviously, we can filter the people in our lives. We can be discerning. We can make choices. but really all we can control is what's going on inside our own hearts, bodies, and minds and how we grow that. And so that was one of the things that I thought was really cool about the book and about the questions, because it's not just an invitation to ask these questions of a potential or current partner, but it really requires you to kind of take a deeper dive into the questions for yourself. And I'm wondering if we can start there and how that segues into your story.

Absolutely. You actually reminded me. So I had a conversation. So part of this book is my story. So there's a great beach read love story up and down in and out that takes you through this book as well as a system that comes with it. So through it, I spoke with many experts and many couples throughout. And I was actually speaking with Lori Gottlieb, and she said something that so reminds me of something that you just said. And I'm sure you've counseled people who have been in this situation. But, you know, when you're dating and you're dating the people who you're attracted to, who are fun, who you know are not right for you, who you don't actually want to end up with, though you kind of maybe think you might want to end up with them. And you think they're just practice and fun to get me to where I want to go. And then you realize that's the pattern of person that you set for yourself because that's the intentionality that you're putting out there, which is nowhere near the actual person that you should or would or want to end up with. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I think so many people fall into that trap and or so they either have this intention like that or they say, you know, I'm just going to not take it so, you know, and it's in an effort to protect themselves sometimes. I'm not going to take it so seriously. I'm just going to have fun. I'm just going to like treat it like getting to know each other. And I think that's important because you can get like really freaked out and that's not healthy energy for anyone either. are not going to attract what you want. But I do think it can sometimes edge into a defense that

then accidentally repels the people who are going to take you seriously. Well, that's what this book is trying to get to the root to. What are you using as your defense? What can we shy away from? What questions can we ask ourselves to maybe help us figure out the patterns that we've had in relationships or the family patterns that we grew up with that are unconsciously influencing how we communicate or choose people or walk down the street, you know, really things that are given to you by default because of how you're raised. And I came at this, I was test case number one. I needed this book when I was single. And it was only actually until I found the person that I would end up marrying that I created this system. I say with, but it was more like on. I created it

on him and and we yeah sorry buddy no but we have this beautiful incredible healthy communicative relationship that blossomed from it that really inspired me to help others achieve what I had been waiting for you know I didn't understand why until I dug in I was the last of my friends to find my person or get married or have that really serious relationship that makes you feel so incredibly comfortably yourself. And that's what I want to strive to have people achieve. I don't care if you get married. I don't care if you tie the knot. It's whatever you want. It's whatever healthy, long-term, lasting love looks like for you. And there are so many on-ramps in this book for how you can get it.

So it's not just a barrage of questions. It's really, how can we get there? And I needed these questions. So when I was single, I was that person who, you know, friends would say, God, I wish I had someone to set you up with. You're just too good for everyone, which is also a terrible thing to hear

because you think, I'm not, I'm not that person. I just want to meet a great guy. But when you say, I want to meet a great guy or a great woman or a great partner, whatever your preference is. I needed to understand myself better. I thought I was ready until I realized I wasn't ready. I had some boundaries to work through with family or friends or things that I had to understand. We don't need to get political here, but something that I think has come out of our political climate in the past eight years is that people know what

it's like to have a preference and to really have a feeling and thought and opinion yeah yeah and be clear on why that is how and why and that is exactly exactly and understand how to communicate that and so that's a positive that's come out of what our linings but are you saying that you realize that you didn't really have a clear enough reference of what you were wanting and calling in? I realized that my day job is a TV producer, been a producer for a really long time like you. I mean, I started in radio, so I know your world. And I became an author later after telling a lot of stories on TV. And I always professionally had an opinion. I always with my career, always with my gut instinct. I was a different person professionally and personally.

Lots of us are. Yeah. And it was unbelievable because the confidence that I had professionally, the balls that I had to go for my dreams and make connections and really be smart about my career was like off the charts, right? And I had such confidence there. And it was the exact opposite it in my personal life. Sure, I could go on a date and talk to anybody, but I wasn't me. I wanted it, whatever it was. I didn't actually know what it was. I wanted it so badly. I was losing myself in these situations. And it was only until I started asking myself questions about what do you really want? What's good for you? What good things do you bring to a relationship where you're

not compromising yourself. So what do you mean by, I want to drill down more into that, but what do you mean by, because I think what you're saying is really important, and this is what most of us do, is what do you mean by losing yourself? So I would, I'd like a guy. I'm heterosexual, so we'll go with that. I'd like a man, a boy, whatever it was. And I would be so into him that I would think, you know what? He's invited me for dinner. I have to bake cookies. I have to show up with some cookies that I homemade baked. Or I have to be extra thoughtful about how I handle this date as if I wasn't enough. So you would put on your like best version of yourself and or I don't know if you do this, but I think a lot of people did that. I don't know if you did

this, but I think a lot of people do this, put on a version of themselves that is what they think the other person would like, which may or may not coincide with who they really are. Absolutely. I would have a fun time, but I would imagine that the person I was with would feel like I was trying too hard. And that's a turnoff. Yeah. No more unattractive scent than the scent of desperation, girl. all that right yeah right and I can look back at that now and see different instances where I was on one side too quick to judge someone or rule them out for whatever self-defense thing I was holding on to about why this wouldn't work and then on the flip side I was trying too hard because

I wanted it. Yeah. And all your friends had it, whatever it was. Correct. Yeah. And, you know, you get to a place where you're settled in your career and your friends are settled with their friends or their partners and nobody has anyone else to set you up with. Yep. And then you're going on online dates and it's a slog and it's that swipe culture of people not really making a decision and you're unsure about what that is. Now there are lots of terms for things like ghosting. Yeah, exactly. Ed Crumming. I know him. Ed Crumming's orbiting. Yeah. You mentioned something that I just want to pause on because, you know, on the one hand, we can try to be too much, you know, give too much of our true selves, leave it behind in order

to try to be a match for this person we think we want. Sometimes we don't even realize that we don't really want them. But then there's this also this thing you mentioned of writing people off too quickly in that case it's like this whole thing that annoys the crap out of me you tick all my boxes right you I'm looking for someone who ticks all my boxes yeah like even that metaphor is I've just I don't even terrible I mean so sometimes it's they really superficial they have to look a certain way they have to be a certain height they have to have a certain amount of money in the bank account but I feel like for most people not all but for most they've kind of evolved beyond that to I want someone whose values aligned with mine, whatever the hell that means,

who's a family person, who's loyal, who's funny, you know, and some like, okay, that's a little less superficial, but it's not concrete. And that's my issue. So what does it mean to say I'm spiritual? I want someone to be spiritual. Well, spiritual is pretty vast, right? Does that mean that they have crystals in their bathroom does that mean they meditate does that mean they go to church does that mean they have family dinners on one night a week with their family like what does that look like what does that look like to you yeah and does it have to be exactly what yours is and what would they like together yeah completely completely so here's the thing i found someone who i was falling for okay and it was good and i was myself and i think by the way

what helped that situation is that we were long distance at first i didn't think this was going anywhere so i like threw caution to the wind and was one million percent me the good the bad the ugly the funny the not so funny like all of it yeah yeah and it gave me permission to have my taxi light on yeah and he likes that so you so the stakes were low so you showed up authentically your true unapologetic self and he dug that and this was long distance because this guy is British this guy is British we met in New York actually and this is where the book starts so I'm not giving anything away. But 30 minutes before our second date, his open-ended project that brought him to New York was closed. But there was something there. There was something there.

We kept communicating. And I think part of me just thought, there's no way this is happening. But I was into him. And it gave me the confidence to just be me. But not everyone can have that situation so this book is there to give anyone who reads it the confidence to be themselves but in order to have the confidence to be yourself you have to know yourself yeah and that's what a lot of these questions so you know for many of you you can answer these if you're single answer these questions some or all of them for yourself first because digging into that really digging into the answer for yourself and many of these we'll get to them in a minute but many of them you've probably never asked yourself well that's what this is and by the way it's not like

they're not what do you x about me questions it's not like oh I find your eyes your most attractive feature there I answer questions in order to start Doug but one thing I want to say before I forget about it because I know we're going to go on a different path here is I would find myself in situations with men where I would have a great conversation with them but I wouldn't totally answer their questions because I was too afraid to scare them away right so like I don't mean we were already talking about would we have kids this that and the other but I almost didn't want to commit to certain things because again it was going back to that wanting it yeah and not Wanting to push it away. And now the version of myself that's so happily partnered is like, oh, God, I want to redo some of those dates and see how that would have gone. Not because I want to end up with someone else, but because I want to see what that path would have looked like for me if I wasn't afraid.

Yeah, to really answer completely honestly. And I think that's really an important piece of this, right, is that getting so clear on who you are and unapologetically yourself, not in an obnoxious way, in an open hearted and open minded way. Right. Right. But then and so with the questions, you come to this realization and then you kind of call in, let's say, this really handsome Brit who on the second date turns out he ain't in America anymore. But you're continuing and then it starts to build because you're unapologetically yourself thinking it's not going to continue. And that actually is part of what leads to both of you, you know, realizing that there really is something there. At what point did, because you said it kind of started, the underpinning of it started before him, but the questions really started, I'm assuming, to kind of really get clearer on each other. Maybe more so because you, I think, because you were in a long distance relationship, but I think it applies to any relationship. So something happened and we were FaceTiming one evening and, you know, we're having our great banter, really nice conversations. And I honestly, I did not know that I was on a cusp of a pivotal moment, but I said something to him on FaceTime.

Can't remember what I said, but it was enough for him to say to me, but I just don't know you well enough yet in a beautiful English accent that sounded much prettier than how I just said it. And honestly, I felt like I was stabbed in the heart when he said that because I literally wanted to just shout out like i'm opening up myself to you and this is proof that i i was evolving but i wasn't yet evolved because yes we were going to certain places and opening ourselves up but i felt hurt by that comment and i i quickly got off the phone with him and i was like okay why do you feel this way let's like let's start there why do you feel this way and i thought okay

I feel this way because I really like this man. I really like this man. But instead of doing what I think a lot of people would do, you better than I could tell me because you've had a lot of people in your chair, but a lot of people would write it off and be like, I don't know what he's talking about. We're fine. I thought let me listen to him if he's saying we don't know each other well enough yet I'm going to figure out a way for us to get to know each other better that right there was the impetus for me to discover how to better get to know someone on an intimate level and that right there was the spark to create this passion project that helped me and so many other people really dig in and get to know someone. So I grew up, right, like my formative age in this time was I was like the rules and he's just not that into you. Yeah, I see your face, right? So that is, I want to take the power away from those methods and give anyone who reads this book and listens

to you and give them the power to own how they communicate and give them a life of not having the fear that I did for too many years to be themselves, put themselves out there and really use questions to understand knowledge to ascertain if you can have a great, loving, healthy relationship with someone. And that's how this journey truly started. Yeah, that makes so much sense. And he was gay. He was like, OK, that's that one, by the way.

So for anyone who's trying this, if the person you look, you don't have to say to everyone, hey, I have this book and they have so many questions. Can we do some of them? Because that can be a little awkward depending on your situation. There are many ways in here that I share how to sneak in some questions. But if you really want to go there with someone, you can say, hey, I'm trying this thing. Do you want to ask some questions to get to know each other better? Indication one is if they're willing to go there with you.

Yeah. Or if they're not willing, it's a great litmus test. If they're not willing, that is a bad sign. And even if they say they're willing, but they're just like, you know, like not really willing to kind of dig in and be open, at least, and curious and honest. You know, one of the things when people ask me, how do you know that someone is really going to be a keeper, that I should marry this person? Oh, I want to hear your answer to this, by the way, because I used to ask my friends this and I really, I have my own answer to this, but I want your clinical answer to this. Well, I think our answers are going to be similar, but mine is much probably basic. You know, yours. No, mine's basic. No, no, no. Mine is super basic.

So mine is you have to be somewhat aligned in your values and you definitely have to have chemistry. Those two things. But most importantly, or in addition to that, it's the ability and their willingness to grow, to learn and to communicate, because you have to be able there's going to be so much shit that goes down and you have to not only be able to talk those things through in a healthy way. And that doesn't mean you know how and that you have all the strategies and that you're both like perfectly emotionally healthy, but you have to be willing to learn and grow and expand so that you can work through whatever comes up and so that you can keep growing together. And that's where I see relationships falling apart is in that arena.

What now? What do you say? I say throughout the book, I say that it's always easier to revisit something if you've talked about it once before. So like go through these questions, go talk about everything and anything. And then if you, if some, you know, you can't, okay, I love this book, obviously. You can't solve everything in your life for the rest of your life with this book, but you can talk about all of these things. So if you have to revisit them, there's less fear, right? So for me, first and foremost, it's not a movie moment. Like there's no clueless, I'm going to marry this person, you know, fountains blazing in different colors behind you.

There's this feeling inside your body, inside your heart of calm, comfortability, and safety. So that's one. then all the things that you've spoken about about being able to grow and communicate and talk about things but that that for me is the which is why i bring up talking and re-talking being comfortable talking about anything and everything huge it's huge and in this i get in trouble often with people for saying it but i stand by it 100 and i think the reason i get in trouble is because it's so uncomfortable for them because it goes against the common fantasy. But I always say, if you're getting butterflies, you know, oh, I got butterflies. That is your

body's warning symptom. Like that is danger, danger, Will Robbins, you know, back off. I agree with you 100%. I always say the person that you're really, who's really aligned with your nervous system, who is going to potentially be really good for you, all these other things included is when, you know, you have that feeling of calm excitement, like you're about to move into your dream home, that kind of excitement, not like I'm about to go on a roller coaster or I'm about to go on some crazy adventure. It's like I'm about to move into my dream home right now. Well, yeah. And I think proper communication gives you that. And I've been saying it because I have found that communication is sexy oh yeah for sure answering these questions is so hot and

you could speak to that I'm sure but like three four five six seven questions and I don't mean starting from one to seven whatever if you're in this rhythm people are putting the book down and having sex right there there is beautiful intimacy and a fun time that comes with opening up to someone that you care about or that you want to care about. Yeah. And especially for women. I think the reason they're putting a book down having sex is because she's getting turned on. A hundred percent. Men don't get turned on by communication, but honestly, that's not their top reason. They don't. But they get turned on when she opens it all up. And when she feels, I always say to couples, especially if they aren't, he wants to have

more sex, which is usually the way it is, that women are inspired to be sexual with people. they feel emotionally close to. Now, the reverse is that men often feel emotionally close as a result of having sex. And that's where we get into kind of a stalemate sometimes. But women, if you want her to have more sex with you, it's about really seducing what's between the ears, not between her heart, also not between her legs. So I totally agree with you that when she's feeling that kind of vulnerability and safety and emotional intimacy that comes from really revealing things and having real conversations that is super duper duper sexy so for all my dudes listening take now yeah dudes exactly hey it's dr laura berman i've been a sex love

and relationship therapist for over 30 years and the main question i always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship well if you want to take your love life your sex life to the next level whether you're in a relationship or not check out my free course on quantum sex it's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage, the Quantum Sex free course.

Check it out and let me know what you think. So something else I found while we're on the topic of sex, I spoke to so many people and couples through this and it is so important and no one better than you can validate this to talk about sex, sexual acts, sexual desires, sexual preferences, and to keep talking about them. And something that I found that I honestly, I hadn't even considered before I started doing all the research for this book, but I grew up in a pretty liberal home where we talked about

things, right? So, you know, to a normal 80s, 90s, 2000s kind of degree, right? But a lot of people do not grow up talking about being talked to about sex, and people still go to Catholic school, and people still go to schools who teach them a certain way, and they have certain beliefs about their bodies, and it completely influences how their bodies operate in a sexual way. Absolutely. The inhibitions, the self-consciousness, the sense of permission, the ability to communicate around it. I mean, that's the reason I got into sex therapy. I was going to be a couples therapist and I am a couples therapist and that's what I got trained in. But I grew up in a family similar, you know, where there was no question off limits.

It was just a normal, natural thing. And I didn't realize how weird that was. Totally weird. Then I get to graduate school and I'm having all of these couples, you know, and you have supervision where you go to your supervisor who's a longtime couples clinician and you're like, okay, they brought up this issue and then you strategize and then you go back and you execute the strategy and whatever. And so I would come in and be like, they haven't had sex in two years. You know, what do I tell them? And they were bringing me all these sexual issues, not because, and I think this is important too, because it applies not only to therapy, but to life, not because I was explicitly asking them about their sex life, but somehow they sensed that I was comfortable with it. Or maybe because I was comfortable with it, I brought it to my supervisor and other students didn't because they're not comfortable with it. But I would go to them and time after time, professors, supervisors, they would look at me like I was some kind of pervert. Why are they talking to you about their sexual issues? I'm like, because I'm doing couples therapy with them and because they haven't had sex in three years.

And there was one class in graduate school on the topic and nobody would talk about it. I'm like, how can you be a couples therapist and not talk about sex? That's what I ended up doing my doctoral dissertation on is the things that predicted for a clinician even talking about it. And I went on to get fellowship trained because I was like, this is ridiculous. But it's true not just for regular people. It's true in the clinical world. It's for every human.

And so I think it's so important to be able to have these conversations. And sex is a great example, not just because it's sex and that's such an important part of your relationship. But because it's one of those more taboo topics, sex, money, religion, politics now. Totally. But also, if you are able to talk about sex from the start, like think of how awkward if you never talk about sex at the beginning, 5, 10, 15 years in, you're just not going to bring it up. Yep. That's what happens. That's what I see every single day. I mean, that's the bulk of what goes on, goes down. So I know you have all different topic areas and it starts off very benign. I mean, you don't have to do it in

order, but it starts off very benign. Like, how do you feel about pets? But I feel like the pet thing, you know, it's not just how do you feel about pets? There's several questions about pets, right? But I feel like it not only kind of, that is important, like even in my relationship, and I feel like we talked about everything beforehand. We didn't talk about pets and I didn't realize that he was, you know, I had to fight him, which now he loves the dog more than I do, but I had to fight him on getting a dog. Right. Like, so I didn't even occur to me to be like, you know, how do you feel about owning a pet? How do you, but, but I also feel like a pet question gives you an insight into how they nurture, how invested they get in the beings

they're caring for. Are they going to, you know, you can tell a lie about you find about their childhood. It often comes, oh my God, I don't have a pet now, but Cookie was my dog growing up and I loved her so much. She wasn't allowed to sleep in my bed, but I would sneak her upstairs at night. You know, things like that are like such little clues into the person who's sitting across from you that they don't even know that they're being asked such pivotal questions. Yeah. And I think most of us ask just like really basic questions, even as you're just like dogs. Yeah. Do you like cat? Yeah. Are you a cat person? Are you a dog person? Yeah. And there are even questions, you know, which I thought were really intuitive and interesting too. Like, how do you like to

be taken care of when you have a cold? I would have loved it. Like my husband shocked me. He does not. I want to be coddled and nurtured and cuddled and served mostly because, and as you refer to. A lot of these preferences come from our childhood, either what we was modeled for us or what we're trying to heal, right? Like for me, I had leprosy anytime I had a head cold. Like no one would come into my room. No one would come near me. Like I was totally isolated and by myself from the time I was really little. So that's why like I want to be on someone's lap that I love when I'm sick. Yeah, right? So you shouldn't have to guess what a partner, potential partner wants. So if you know how your partner likes to be taken care of when they're sick or vice versa, it's a way that you can show love to them or they can show love to you by knowing what you like and choosing to step up and do that.

Yeah. And how willing they are to be a caretaker or to be taken care of or how stoic they are or how not. You learn a lot. How do you argue? You ask a lot of questions about arguing, which I think is so important. And all of these are like they're on the practical level, but they're also allow a deeper dive and they provide a lens into who this person is as a human being and where they come from and what some of their shadows may be, what some of their traumas may be. I mean, I feel like you learn a lot, right? You do. And it's actually really fun. Like it's it's legit fun to do these questions.

It really is. Yeah. And so you can do this if you're single, obviously. And I love this idea of just doing it on your own, really thinking about these things. Because like, have you really thought about how you like to be taken care of when you're sick? You know, have you thought about how you feel about child care? And I know you speak to this a lot.

It's not just the answering of the questions, especially, I think, for yourself, but maybe even in conversation, it's always about asking yourself why, right? Because you may have a preference, but what's even more important than the preference is the why. And I know you refer to this to a certain extent in your story and you tell this beautiful romantic story, you know, throughout the book of your journey around religion. Yeah. Like, so if you were just to ask the question, do I need someone or, you know, do I require that my partner have my same religious background or whatever, at a certain point in your dating life, you probably would have said, yes, absolutely. But then what happened? 100%. So funny. I was having coffee with another parent

at my kid's school today, and this exact same thing came up. We were literally, and I threw it out there, and we were talking about a certain subject. And I said, look, I wanted to marry someone who was my same religion. But actually, what I really wanted to marry was the right person. And it just so happens that this right person is not my same religion, but we had to work out what was right for us. And often I get asked, what was the hardest chapter per se? What was the hardest section for us? And it was definitely the religion chapter. It was what I was most afraid of. So obviously we did it last. And guess what? We didn't do it right. I write about it better than I did it. So we learned a lot from it. And there are messages in there about

why and and how i can help you get through a harder chapter for you but you know i had to ask myself and the word deal breaker or red flag comes to mind we're so quick to say why something is a deal breaker why is something a red flag whether it's religion or certain things about sex or our families or little things like having hair or no hair. Why? Why? And that's okay. Listen, it's okay if you grew up in a kosher home and you want to be kosher. It's okay if your reason is because my family was that way. But if you're doing it because your family was that way and you don't understand why, then that's what I want to impart on people. Before you bring this into your new family unit, before you ask someone else to take on a practice, understand why.

So actually, me being with someone who wasn't my own religion made me understand my religion better because I thought, you know what? I'm going to dig into this a little bit deeper. I'm going to understand why I do these rituals and why I like these rituals. I wasn't particularly religious, but I was holding on to certain things that I thought I needed. And guess what? I needed him.

I didn't need them. And I needed our version of what mattered to us. And we got there by talking about it. Yeah. And I think that what you're saying about people kind of writing people off is so important. I hear a lot. And I think you mentioned this in the book. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who comes from a divorced family.

Well, first. Yeah, I do say that because the first time I heard someone say that to me, I thought, but it's not their fault. Right. And you're writing off, like, depending on the state you live in, anywhere between population. of the population. The why underneath that is they don't have a model of what a loving relationship is. So they probably aren't capable of it. Well, who says? Maybe there's someone who really did the work and really healed. Or maybe there's someone whose parents had a totally

conscious uncoupling and they have a beautiful family dynamic and family is even more important to them. And they had beautiful communication model and conflict resolution model. And we see this a lot on the apps, not that you can filter out people who come from divorce, but you can filter out certain ages, certain qualities and characteristics. And I feel like the dating world right now is somewhat designed to have these write-off elements to it that we then carry forth. And I think that piece is so important. Look, it's okay to write things off. It's totally okay. if you understand why and if you're writing the right things off yeah you know i you use the words conscious uncoupling we all know where that comes from i want conscious coupling yeah we need that

i'm always saying i wish every and that may they don't need it if they answer the 250 questions but i always say like my dream is that every single couple who's getting married or making like a serious commitment what they believe will be a lifetime commitment get premarital counseling and i don't mean the pre-cana counseling that you get you know where you're there's a weekend where you get but like where these are the kinds of things when i get couples and i get so excited when i get couples who are coming in just because they want to set themselves up for success that these questions are the kind i mean i don't ask them these explicit questions Now I'll give them the book. Thank you. These kinds of questions are the kinds of things that

I dive into them with, really digging into how do you really feel about this? What do you really want and why? And also teaching them how to resolve conflict. What a sweet spot, right, for a therapist like you to have couples at this beautiful pinnacle where everyone's excited, Everyone's happy. Everyone's in a good headspace. Look, that's why people say that's why you do a prenup when you're happy, right? Not because the doomsday of what it means, but it's because you're coming from a place of love.

That's when it's always harder to work on a problem when there's a problem. Yeah, much harder because you're both in your trigger. So what do you recommend? I'm curious what you recommend because most of these questions, and I do think it's fun and intimate and bonding and interesting and all of those things. But let's face it, some people are going to get in the conversation as they start talking are going to get a little triggered. Right. Or are going to, you know, start devolving or their shadows will start taking over. Right. So what do you recommend from your perspective in that case? so I think there's nothing more beautiful when a question comes up and with two people who are comfortable with each other and one person can say let's say the question has to do with

families and boundaries let's just say that's a good one okay right and you're there you have your glass of wine you're walking in the park whatever you're doing and the person takes a a beat and says, I don't know the answer to that question. It's not that I don't want to answer that question, but I need to give it a little thought because I'm not actually prepared for that. Can we revisit this at another time? Or if someone says, God, that puts me in a really bad headspace because something happened when I grew up. Could we not talk about that now? Things are going to be triggering. But if you're doing this with the right person, It's not about getting an answer right, because then someone's essentially wrong.

It's being comfortable enough to say, hey, I want to do this with you. Maybe we're not ready to tackle that yet. I'm a little worried about, I don't know, religion's a hot button for me. Can we do a couple other things first? Yeah, and based on how much they respect that, that's another litmus test. But I feel like this also helps set you up. What we want is that we were saying earlier in a long-term relationship is someone who you can talk about anything and everything with. Not that it's going to be easy, right? It's not

going to be easy to talk about these things, but you should not be afraid to talk about these things. Absolutely. Now, let me ask you this about dating. I'm thinking about one girlfriend of mine in particular who is to me what you were to your friends. Do they always come to you? Do all of them come to you? I don't know. I mean, yes. Yes. But she's not coming to me. She's fine. She's got a great career. She's, you know, like you, she's one of the most brilliant and bright and kind and interesting and loving. She's attractive. Most, you know, highest level of people I know. One of my favorite humans. And for different reasons than you, I think she just kind of tuned out. She didn't take dating seriously. She just felt like she had plenty of time. She was focused on

her career. And then all of a sudden she woke up and was in her mid forties. And as you know, I'm ready. I want a relationship. And she is meeting dud after dud after dud. And and the fix ups like you. I mean, I'm not saying you were in your mid 40s when you got together. I don't know how old you were, but the fix ups have dried up. Right. Yeah. Not really available at a certain point. And she's finding that that, you know, the apps are a nightmare. This is the other thing I got to ask you about. Put a pin in this this conscious non monogamy trend we're seeing. I think it's really tricky and constant, but she's meeting these creep, like the ones that are picking her or swiping her or whatever, they're ruling out. They're like, okay, I'm in

my mid forties and I'm ready to have a family. So I'm looking at for someone who's 30 or younger, you know, or 30 who are younger or whatever. So what do you recommend to people who want to meet someone to ask these questions? Yeah, for sure. Does she want to have kids? I think she would like to, but, you know, it's going to be difficult for her to. She would be, she would like to. She could possibly have one herself through surrogate. She could adopt. Maybe she could even have, I mean, a 50-something-year-old woman just had a baby.

Yeah. You plan to. There's an interesting story in a book of someone who I interviewed who, it's a great story. But her biggest realization was that it's OK if things happen out of order. And she realized that, you know, if she could support herself and a child and if she didn't have the guy, that was actually OK. She more wanted the child. And that was a big, beautiful realization for her. And I won't give away what happens because it really is a great story. But I actually think in certain situations, it's okay to lead with what you want and what you're looking for so that you're not wasting your time on dud after dud after dud. A lot of people who've read this book and been my test cases, it hasn't gone wide yet because it's not out. But a lot of people who are, you know, done with one marriage or one significantly long term relationship have decided that they are going to go straight in to these situations and start asking questions for the good of everybody. Yeah. And hopefully after taking a little break, because I hate it when I mean, I always think

that's a recipe for disaster. I feel like if you have a breakup, spend some time asking yourself these questions and then get back out there in the dating pool. But since you've talked to so many people and you've been focused on this, do you have any advice for how to meet someone if you're struggling to meet someone, especially on the apps? Yes, for sure. It sounds so basic. Put your insecurities aside. No one cares. And go talk to people. Suck it up. There's a cute guy who's waiting for a coffee as you are. Go talk to him.

there's a woman who's standing there on her phone we all are protected by our phones right there's like a level of armor and closed offness when we're standing somewhere and we don't want to be alone like looking around us we're all we all have our noses in our phones guys please to your friend suck it up go talk to people go talk to people i i wish i wish i had the courage to have done that versus like try and make eyes at someone across the party or the bar or the restaurant thinking do you think they'll send a drink over to my table he's cute like get over yourselves it's no big deal and go talk to people and I know that's easier said than done and I'm sitting here married having written a book about this but I know it works just do it I agree and

And you mentioned turn your cab light on. I use that term all the time. There's a great title which talks about that. And I think that was written even before smartphones were such a thing. But she talked about lifting your eyes, taking a different route to work, smiling at the doorman in your office building, not because you necessarily want to date the doorman, but because you're giving cues to anyone who's noticing you that you're open and kind and approachable. You know, there's all these different ways. I love that. And I actually have been practicing, not because I'm looking for someone I'm happily married, but just I've noticed how exactly what you're saying, how nobody is conscious anymore and nobody just sits. So when I'm with my husband or with a friend, they have to go to the bathroom. I don't take my phone out. I sit there and just like look around and it's fast. must think you're such a weirdo. I do. Well, they don't even notice me because their heads are on

their phones. I had this girlfriend in London and we had this nickname for a guy. His name was London Bridge Guy. And she would literally London Bridge. She would walk over one side of the bridge to go to work and he would walk over the other side of the bridge. And they were on their same time schedule and they would pass each other all the time. And I'd hear about London Bridge Guy, london bridge guy and finally i was like can you please go talk to him so that i don't have to hear about london bridge guy anymore and you can just go make babies and live happily ever after she's like yes i'm gonna do it i'm gonna talk to london bridge guy and you know what happened when she decided to talk to london bridge guy one of their routes changed ah interesting see i feel like

that's the universe supporting her yes sure i mean it could be that she missed the opportunity we could make an argument that she should have talked to him sooner. That's what, that's what I was going for. You know, I'm thinking she's finally ready to go and talk to him. And now the universe is like, oh no, this guy is a psycho. We're going to, we're going to J.B. We'll chalk it up to that then. But my point is, yeah, see, I get asked, yeah, I get asked a lot when people know that, and

you, I'm sure you hear this all the time, when people know that you write books and you publish books, it's like, God, I have at least one book in me. God, I would love to write a book. God, I have such a story. Do you have any advice for me? And I'm like, yes, go right. Right. I say that all. Sorry. I'm so sorry. This is going to sound terrible, but just right. Just do it. You have to start somewhere. And it's that same methodology of like, just face it. Face your fear. Go do it. Yeah, I think that's beautiful. This has been such a great conversation. There's so many beautiful questions in here. Obviously, you don't have to answer all

250 of them, but you can. And they're woven into a story. It's not just a bunch of questions. The book is called Romances and Practicalities. And Lindsay, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. In closing, or any final comments I didn't ask you about that you want to say? I feel like I could talk to you for hours and hours and hours. So I just want to thank you so much. I've always looked up to you and your practices and that you thought what I've written is worth your time and our time today. I'm just so grateful to you. So thank you. And find me at Lindsay Jill Roth on social. Let me know what you think. Please review and write

in order. And I just hope everyone who reads and listens to this has a beautiful, happy, loving, healthy relationship. Beautiful. And I'm sure lots of people will read. I wish you the most tremendous, best-selling success, and that it gets into all the hands that it needs to get into. From your lips, thank you.