Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Afraid to Be Loved

Episode Date: June 1, 2022

On this special episode of “The Language of Love,” I am doing what I love the most: Talking directly with listeners just like you about their sex, love, and relationship issues and offering real-time advice to help them learn how to love and be loved better. (And, yes, you too could be selected for these special “Language of Love” sessions…just reach out to me on social media or send me an email to [e-mail]). For this episode, I sit down with a woman who is struggling with a fear of abandonment in her romantic relationships. Although she has been divorced for many years, she has struggled to find lasting love in the following years. She recently ended a long-term relationship in which she was left broken-hearted when her partner left her for someone else. This is an ongoing pattern for my caller, and she says that she is constantly in ‘service mode’ with her partners and that she is always trying to get love by giving, giving, giving…but she never is able to receive. As I explain to this lovely caller, our greatest fears can often become our strongest magnets. Due to the childhood trauma of being abandoned by her biological father, I could instantly see that she was recreating this same trauma again and again by picking partners who would make her feel not good enough and then inevitably leave her, often for another woman. So how can my caller break this cycle and learn to open her heart to the love she so desperately desires and deserves? Listen to this “Language of Love” session to find out! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. So why don't you tell me what's going on and how I can help?

Well, you actually have been helping since I started following you in the past few months. And what, two days ago, I think I just realized I must have had some childhood trauma as well, because I realized that I don't like to cry, period, the end. And I have a fear of abandonment big time with my partner. And so I find myself at 48. I've been divorced since 2005. So it's been a while. And I've had some long-term relationships that just did not obviously continue. And I clearly know that the choice or the issue is on my end who I may be choosing as my partner. My love language is definitely I do. I'm a doer. I do everything. Well, that's not your love language. That's what I do. But that's how you. So this is important. Right. So the way that

you give love is you're saying, I think, is by doing right. But how do you receive love? I do believe acts of service would be on my radar as well, just because I think that's one of the huge sources of contentions. I'm giving and I'm giving and I'm giving and I feel like I'm not receiving it back. Okay. So are you in a relationship now? No. Okay. So you're single and are you dating at all? No, it's been two years since my last relationship. That was five years. And I'm finally at a place. And I do agree with you with the half the time you were together. It really took me that long to just I was devastated when we broke up because I wasn't expecting that to happen. He just decided it's over or did he have an affair or what happened? I don't think he had an affair, but I know that he broke up so that he could go be with someone else.

Has that happened before with other relationships? Yes. And who abandoned you before all these relationships when you were a kid? Who abandoned? It's got to be my biological dad. I mean, I grew up in a very loving, my dad is my, you know, my current dad is my stepdad since I was two. It's that in retrospect, when I look back that I only saw my biological dad on Christmas

Eve. I think that once a year, he lives the next city over. It occurs to me as an adult that that probably wasn't the healthiest on a whole lot of different fronts. My parents are still together, my dad, my stepdad, and my mom, very loving, extremely supportive. I might even say I have the best parents ever, but I just have this thing when I start dating someone, please don't make me like you if you're going to leave. Yeah. And then you can see why you're accidentally setting up that dynamic, right? Like this is what we do. Our greatest fear becomes like a magnet until we resolve the abandonment. Now, it sounds like what you have done is that relationship was really dramatic and painful when it ended, this last relationship. Let's just deal with the here and now. and you took some time for yourself to heal, right? Which is definitely what I recommend.

What did you do to heal? Well, unfortunately it was, you know, not even a month before COVID. So I pretty much was by myself for however many months, just wallowing in my own. But the thing with me and not liking to cry is very much, I just need to get through it. It's very, I go very much into,

okay, how are we gonna like move forward? Yeah. Yeah. You get into the fix, manage and control kind of. And so could you cry by yourself? You can't even cry by yourself. I mean, I know a lot of people that have trouble crying around other people and that is just feels too vulnerable or too scary. But are you able to cry on your own? I can. If I do cry, though, it's not more than, I don't know, a minute, a couple minutes. It's not ever like sob and wail and really cry or do you just get a little tear and teary and then stuff it down and see what you can do to move forward you know i can do that but it really is like right

right when i've been being told like this person's leaving or a death yeah okay so when it's really really big but on your own you won't do that no well i mean somebody died but no no no but i mean like these over COVID or times you were, okay. And how was it handled when you were little, when you cried or when you were really upset about things? And this is not to say, by the way, that you don't have the best parents ever. I mean, it's not about criticizing them because we're all just doing the best we can, but how is it handled? On raising a child, I guess. Boy, I don't remember it being suppressed. I know we all just try and be happy all the time. And I really do think that that's probably, I don't err on the side of being depressed, but I have family

members that are bipolar and have severe depression. So I think that I also then don't give myself probably enough space to feel probably what I feel. It's very uncomfortable and I don't like it. So make it go away. And were these people close to your parents? Yeah. Like my aunt, my cousins. Yeah. So I've noticed this too, that a lot of families, especially where there has been diagnosed significant mental health issues, that there is a lot of fear of emotion and just simple things that you may not even remember, but that are all collectively coalescing into what therapists would call a dissociation from your emotional life. And I'll tell you some ideas about that in a second, but let me tell you why

it's important. The reason it's important not to disassociate from your emotional life is because if you are disassociated from your emotional life, you're disassociated from your compass. Your body is your compass. When you meet someone, you've been thinking up here practically, please don't leave me, right? Or please don't be someone who leaves me. But you can't really sense, your senses are off. Your ability to sense when someone's not being fully authentic or their words and actions

aren't really going to match or there's something sort of off with them, especially if you're invested in them, that compass is going to be off. if you were disassociating from your emotions. Now, the kinds of things, it can be all sorts of things. I don't think this extreme happened in your childhood, but in just for everybody listening, in some childhoods, you were punished when you got really emotional.

Or in my case, I was teased. It would escalate and escalate till I threw a temper tantrum, just like somebody see that, care that I'm upset. And then they would be like, oh, we're gonna send you to a mental institution. You're crazy. They thought joking me out of it

because they couldn't tolerate. It was too much. They were great parents too. I don't mean too much effort, like they couldn't be bothered, but it was too hard for them to be with my pain. In your family, I would say it was probably more subtle where there was just insidious fear of big emotion, because then you might be like Aunt Sally or Uncle Joe or whoever, and even fear inside your parents who were scared of being that themselves. So the way they do that, and this is what a lot of people do who don't really fully accept and understand the depth and breadth of emotions and emotional health, which let's just face it, most families don't. They think, okay, we're going to do the opposite. We're just going

to be happy. Put on your big girl pants. It doesn't matter that someone just bullied you in school. Don't let it bother you. Come on. It's all with the best intentions. What I would consider toxic optimism or what a lot of spiritual teachers would call spiritual bypassing, which is I'm just going to positive think it away. I'm just going to tap it away. I'm just going to. And you're not really dealing with the monsters in the basement. And my guess is, and I don't know if you have any memories of this, but I have a pretty strong sense that when you were with your bio dad, obviously doesn't take a psychic to know that a little girl who only sees her father on Christmas Eve is going to want him to think really highly of her and have a great time with her and feel

really good because then maybe I'll see him more. That's how a child will think. Maybe then he'll want to see me more as if it has anything to do with her, why he isn't around. But what the child things automatically is that that's because of them. Right. So then you're with your father and your bio father and you can't say to him, how come I don't see you more? Right. How come you don't come around more, daddy? How come I'm sad that I don't get to see you? Right. Like there was no room for you to be in that level of emotional honesty with him because there was too much fear of him abandoning. And I see emotion coming up in you right now, as I say that. So what's happening right now? What are you feeling? So then the every year happened with my

bio dad. And when I turned 17, he had his wife come over, bring me a Christmas card and say, you're not coming over anymore. And I haven't seen him since. Why? I don't know. I really don't know. You never asked? I've tried reaching out to him. A couple of things stand out in my head. My mother never ever said anything bad about him, wanted me to figure it out myself. but I remember him telling me or telling her, I want you to raise her because I know you'll do a better job than I will. Now that you're a grownup, have you been able to have conversations with your mom about what the real deal was? Yeah. I mean, she just says he, I mean, he was cheating on her and you know, they had only been married a few years and they had me and she got divorced and

had their whole family. But you know, whenever I would go over to his house, he did have his whole family. And he has a new wife that he was cheating on my mother with. And I have a half sister and a half brother. So you saw yourself replaced. Oh, absolutely. He has his new family. So it is impossible. It is literally impossible for a child to grow up in that environment because children are inherently and I don't mean this in the way it sounds, but children are inherently narcissistic. It's developmentally the way their brains work. So everything that happens around them is because of them. And so when daddy doesn't want to be with me, I'm either too much of something or too little of something. Or if I was a better girl or if I

was something else, then he wouldn't be abandoning me this way. And that is extremely, and that went on your whole life. So that is extremely entrenched and insidious. And there is so much, I can see it in your eyes, right? As you're like trying to hold it together as we talk. And I'm not, you know, if we were in private right now, I would be like, OK, girl, let's go. Yeah, we're going to go in there right now with me holding your hand. Right. But we're not going to do that right now because I want to be sensitive to your sensitivities. OK, but what I will say to you is that there is no way that that little girl who is inside you, there are many versions of her inside you feels worthy of love. I know this woman sitting across from me knows intellectually how worthy

of love she is, right? But the one who has been driving the bus, so to speak, about who you're attracted to and who is attracted to you, who you're calling in energetically, that is all being driven by your wounds? If you ask my family too, I always end up dating younger. And I'm curious if that probably coincides with, I don't know, me feeling like I might be more in charge of something. I don't know. Yes. And it's also the first thing you said to me was I'm a giver or I'm an actor. You said I'm an active service person, right? There's a shadow and a light side to someone who gives a lot, right? So I used to be this way too before I went through my people-pleasing and codependency rehab. I'm still a recovering codependent.

But the theory, the unconscious theory why you behave this way is if you need me, you won't leave me. You're going to leave me. I am worthy of being abandoned. But maybe if I make you completely dependent on me, where I'm doing all of this for you and I'm taking care of everything And you're completely dependent on me now, maybe even financially, but certainly logistically and emotionally and in every way. And I'm this amazing person that gives, gives, gives. No one can say anything bad about that. But, you know, you couldn't possibly leave me or reject me because you need me. You are good at your job.

That would fall into it. Well, I mean, have you ever thought about that before? No, not in those easy terms, but a hundred percent of it is correct. I do everything and to a fault. Yes. Those acts of service when coming from a healthy place come from the place of fullness and love and affection and a way to express love for you. It's coming from that shadow place, that little girl, which is okay. Okay. Okay. See all this, like you can't eat without me. You can't function without me. You can't do anything about me. So don't, don't, don't, you won't leave me. It's not coming from, I don't even want to say an authentic place because

I know it's authentic, but it's coming from a wounded place. It's not coming from a place of health. And when, when our acts of love or service or friendship or anything come from a wounded place, not everybody notices consciously. And we don't even necessarily notice ourselves. We're doing it. But the way it lands isn't sustainable. And the positive effect it has should have doesn't work. It's like energetically, it's not clean. Right. And I get tired. Yeah. And then I'm like, OK, well, I've been doing everything all the time. How come? But they're so used to now being right. And this happens all the time. You know, I call it alpha woman syndrome. Right. She thinks that if she can fix this, manages and controls and it's and, you know, by now, intellectually, the grown up across me knows that this is not true.

It doesn't work. You've been abandoned enough times in your adult life to know it doesn't keep them around to do this. But the fantasy is it's like this impulse. If I fix, manage and control everything and everyone around me, especially this partner, then I will stay safe. Right. If you need me, you won't leave me. I'll be in control. If it's a false sense of control, because no matter how much you try to control another person, even in these beautiful, loving ways, you're still trying to control them. Right. You can see that. I agree. No matter how much you try to control, you can't control anything. The only thing you can control is your response to things. You literally and this is like the hardest lesson for the alpha woman and I'm a recovering alpha woman. So I know it's the hardest lesson to learn because you tap yourself out. You exhaust yourself. You start looking at your partner like an errant, frustrating kid. You start treating them that way. You say time to step up. I need you to step up and then, you know, at least load the dishwasher and then you huff and puff and reload it because they did it wrong. the whole dynamic and you're choosing younger men. So you even more have that little boy, I'm your mama kind of energy, which they eventually start to see you as a critical mother and then they abandon, right? And then you get abandoned and that reinforces your story that

you're too much or too little or whatever else. So your job is really going to be a couple of things. Let's just fast forward to your next relationship and then we'll talk about getting there. But in your next relationship, your job is to get really, really comfortable knowing fundamentally that you are okay no matter what. or go with the flow and choose ginseng delight our new double espresso with ginseng extract whatever lies ahead don't change your morning let your morning change you discover coffee plus on espresso.com and to go all the way into being abandoned and i'll put a pin in that for a second i'll tell you what i mean by that but also to force yourself not to go into

fix, manage, and controlling everything in the relationship. Because by the way, any man who is really going to stand for you and be in his masculine power is not going to be attracted to you if he doesn't see a way that he can be needed. Every man who is like that, not a man who isn't in touch with his masculine energy. And we all have masculine and feminine. I don't mean he's not manly, but you want someone who's going to be loyal and safe and stable and be there for you, right? And no man like that is going to be attracted to a woman where he doesn't see a place where he can be needed. And that doesn't mean you act like a damsel in distress when you're not, but it does mean you don't fix, manage, and control everything. You don't make every plan.

You don't organize everything in the house. You look for ways he can be of service. All they want in a relationship, if they're healthy and have a decent libido, is a partner who enjoys them sexually and has desire for them and to feel like they are doing a good job in the relationship, that they are of service. Emotionally, literally, every man is different, but they need to feel like They are of service. And that's what I see so many strong, independent women who say, men are just intimidated by me. They're not intimidated. They just don't see a place for them. They don't see a place where they're needed. So for you, there's that piece. But that's just logistical. Then there is back to the fear of abandonment. I will give you

a bibliotherapy assignment, which is to read Byron Katie's book, Loving What Is. I don't know if you're familiar with it. I'm not. Talks about the four questions, right? And it's a really beautiful way to start really not only questioning your assumptions, which can get you into trouble, but also going all the way into your fear and realizing that the one who is so petrified of that isn't really you. It's like that little one in you.

It's all those stories in you. So for instance, all men leave, right? That's a story that you have adopted. Right. OK. All men leave. One way to approach that with the four questions is how do you feel when you think about all men leaving? Right. And my guess is you feel shut down, closed off, scared. Yeah. Hopeless. Right. All those things. Now, can you be absolutely sure that story is true? Well, I mean, well, no, I mean, I know that they don't all leave. It's just that's my experience. And so I don't want to continue with this experience. But there are many, many, many, many, many, many men out there who would not leave. I mean, unless they're being abused or whatever, you know, they're not going to leave.

They don't want to leave. They don't they don't come into a relationship ready to leave. They don't they're not leavers. Your thing is that I can't attract. it's not that all men leave is that I can't find him. Right. And you still feel all those feelings. Right. Is it true that you can't find him? No, it's not true. I will be able to. Well, yes, I know what you mean. Right. So you start challenging those things. And I work with so many people and I've had degrees of this myself. When you've been abandoned a lot,

you get so caught up in this once again, as those little girl parts of you. And we're going to talk about how to work with those in a minute, because that's going to be the most important part of getting ready for love. But I'm sort of working backwards here. You have survived a shit ton. Yes. And you are still standing. You are still beautiful. You are still strong. You survived. You may not have the love in your life you want, but my guess is you have a pretty good life. I have a great life. I'm extremely independent. I can live it myself. I'm okay with it. Yes. Don't want to.

Yes. Right. And so in that comes a tremendous power. Every single morning, I give my husband a hug when I see him for the first time. He's usually been up for an hour by the time I get up. And every single morning in my mind, I choose him. I say to myself, I choose. I am choosing to be with you, to love you, to stay with you, to be committed to you.

Because for me, it reminds me that I'm in my power, that I can survive without him and I'll be fine. I mean, I'd be devastated. I'd curl up in a ball for a while, but I'd be fine. And knowing that and reminding myself of that lets me always stand in my power and always stand for my needs and get my needs met and be soft and honorable. And this is true for all of us. You can't have your needs met in a relationship if you aren't in choice. If you feel that if you abandon me, I'm not going to be okay. Right. If that's the premise of your relationship, then you're never in your power. Not that you want them to leave, but you have to get to that place. Okay. Let's work backwards to the beginning. What is most important here is that you

fix your compass, right? The only way you're going to fix your compass is by really going into the belly of the beast of those wounds. And you've never, my guess is because of the dynamics of the family in which you were raised, they didn't linger in those places that made them unhappy or afraid or whatever. They just like put it in the basement and turned away, right? And so you don't have the practice or the life experience of going into it. But here's the thing, and you've seen the results in your romantic life thus far, that which you can't be with will run your life. And so you literally, it is impossible to go around it, to shove it aside, to go under it or over it and have what you want. The only way is to go through it, to go into the

belly of the beast. Now, how do you do that? There's a couple of ways, okay? On a practical level, what I would say to you, and I'll take you through this exercise really quickly in a second, But to make it a daily practice, to give yourself permission all alone in a closed up room with nobody watching, to go all the way into your body and to feel fully and express exactly, however your body needs to do it in that moment, what you are sensorily feeling. So it's not an intellectual exercise. And those of us who are good at pushing shit away like you are way up in our heads all the time. Like if I were to look at an energetic scan of your body, if I could do that, you would be cut off from the neck down. You know what I mean? And there's so much energy and brightness in your mind and up here, but you're not in your body. So what I want you to do is to regularly, and if you go to my website, to drlauraberman.com, and you go to the Quantum Love page, there are grounding meditations, which are really super easy.

So you ground yourself, you're kind of pulling light in, they'll walk you through it. And then sitting there from that, okay, you'll feel yourself in your body. You just gently scan almost like you're a scanner with your consciousness, right? Like if I were to say to you right now, put all of your conscious awareness to your elbow, right? You could do that. So that's what you're doing for your whole body. Just slowly putting all of your conscious awareness to each spot.

And then when you get probably my guess is to your, I mean, it'll be different for every day, but I can feel how much is in your solar plexus, like right below your breasts and your belly, above your belly button. Do you have a lot of gastrointestinal issues? how do you yeah i have colitis and i just diagnosed this two years ago and it's related and so if you start healing this your gastrointestinal things are going to get better so if you can put all of your you'll you'll feel the tension the tightness those what the illnesses are you know disease is dis ease it's it's abandoning your body it's not letting your body

move emotion, energy in motion. That's all it is. And you're, you've been taught to literally fear in essence, painful emotions because you're not supposed to feel them, right? So your tendency just knee jerk is to push away from them. So when you do this exercise and you come to that hitch in your chest or in your belly, all you do without thinking, oh, this is that I need to take my medicine or I might have to poop. You're not thinking. You're literally treating that sensation like you would a sweet little child just sitting next to it, observing it, being present with it, giving it all of your conscious attention. And for that moment, I swear to you, it won't happen permanently. For that moment, just let it get a little bigger. Let it stretch

and be like, here I am. And then after just a few minutes of full presence with that sensation, wherever you have found it, you say, let my body move the way it wants to let it do. I surrender, like let it do what it wants. And sometimes you will ball. Sometimes you will start moving your body on all fours and, you know, just gyrating around. Sometimes you'll beat the shit out of a pillow. Sometimes you'll scream into a pillow. If you surrender to it and ask your body to do what it wants to do in this moment to release some of this pressure, and then I'm here for it and I am with it, it's amazing what it shows you to do. And it is an unbelievable bonding activity and releasing activity. And it takes about five to 10 minutes max. You will not stay there.

you will feel so much better you will feel so much lighter and if you do that as a five to ten minute daily practice it is going to get you so much more present in your body and when your body starts to learn oh she's going to listen manda's going to hear me she's going to listen i can talk to her it will start telling you when you meet that next guy run you know or it's safe you see what I'm saying? I do. It's, it's really rather mind-blowing and ridiculous because I feel like I'm really, I try to be extremely self-aware, you know, again, in my head all the time. That makes just so much sense though. If I feel like I need to be heard, I'm sure my whole self needs to be heard. Her whole self and that little girl. So this is the second part, right?

That's the physical part, but I also want you to explore inner child work and the way that you do that. There are lots of ways to do that. The two kind of combo, the one-two combo that I find really, really helpful for what we're talking about, both being in your body, releasing emotions, and really being with those parts of yourself that aren't your head, that are those little girls. Like think of your whole body like there are all these little girl parts when you were three, when you I'm just seeing these little parts of you when you were three, when you were five, when you were 10 on Christmas Eve in 1985. There are all these parts of yourselves that you don't even remember that you just sort of left behind in order to survive emotionally. And so if you

combine somatic healing, it's called there's a couple of places you can go to somatic. You can go to traumatherapy.org and find someone near you. You can also check out the Hakomi Institute. You can find a practitioner through. I really like them too. So somatic healing. And the other piece is what I would call or what shaman call sort of shamanic healing. And basically what they do is they guide you through the process of going back, also do a body scan, but literally they'll say to you, as you're in that place where you've been releasing emotion, say, when was the first time you remember feeling this way? And immediately an image will come to mind of you at a certain age in a certain scene. They help you reclaim that scene. So maybe you'll go back as the adult you

are, or maybe Wonder Woman will come in or whatever, but they walk you through the process. And it actually is amazingly effective. There's a really good book if you want to explore it yourself because you can do this with yourself. It's not as easy as doing it with a guide by a woman named Teal Swan called The Completion Process. So that is a great resource for you. Loving What Is by Byron Katie. Also the book, Help Me Remember Sam, or maybe you can look it up. It's Bessel van der Kolk, I think is his name. But there's another book, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk would be really good. And you are someone who is really at risk for inflammatory illnesses because of the disassociation from your body. So it is not

going to get better until you can really come back into yourself. That is beyond interesting. And it makes so much sense that it all goes together. I've seen the secret probably a zillion times and really needing to, I thought I was doing great up here, but I don't think I was realizing that I wasn't doing anything else. Yeah. And your body is going to be like, hell no, Because we store pain, emotional pain in our bodies. That's what causes illness. Another great documentary to watch is Heal. Okay.

And you will see how much emotions play a role in your physical well-being. And this goes for cancer, inflammatory diseases, chronic diseases. So does that give you a good place to start at least and some clarity? Thank you. Yes. It absolutely does. It makes me feel not so crazy. You're not crazy. Just, I want to get to the root of it. I want with a successful relationship. Yeah. And all I will say to you, and I know, you know, you're ready to go,

right. And you want to get back out there. I would not, I hear it. I would not be back in there for at least, at least three months, preferably six months of doing this kind of work that I'm talking about getting back into your body on a daily basis and also post-its around your car and in your bathroom mirror and around your office and everywhere that just say ground and just come back. And from this meditation I talked about, but you can just do it really quickly. Just keep coming back into your body and continue to give your body the cues and the message that you're listening to it. So when you're about to make dinner or go to a restaurant or order something, just take a quiet moment, ground and ask your body what it wants.

When you're about to take a route somewhere and you are deciding whether you want to go left or through the highway or on the back roads, don't ask your brain what it wants. Ask your body. Let your body have a much stronger, louder voice in the low stakes decision making for a while and listen when it speaks to you. And it will speak more and more and more. And then you will be such a better judge when the time comes. You will be so much more grounded and you also will know, you will start to learn what no feels like in your body. And remember that your brain, you are taking in 40 billion bits of information into your brain. All of us are every millisecond and only consciously processing 2000 of them. Your body is processing a lot more than your brain.

And often your body has a wisdom that your brain, because of all of its stories and brain only works with an envelope mechanism, it works through memory. The brain kind of says, okay, I recognize this scenario. Here's my conclusion, right? And thus the decision happens. But your body remembers, understands, knows. So there is immense wisdom there that for you, especially with your goals in love, not only are going to be fundamental to your healing, but fundamental to you choosing the right partner.

A healthy choice. Yeah. It makes sense. And I'm quite literally going to go to Barnes & Noble on my way home. And check those meditations out. And will you try that? What I would love is if you will try grounding and going into your body and being with your emotions and letting your body lead just for those five or 10 minutes every morning. And then also throughout the day, just in those lower stakes decisions, letting your body decide, listening to it like your most favorite ally, because it is. And it's been ignored and abandoned, right? So I want you to do that and then check back in with me in six weeks, a month and a half of doing this, right? And we'll see where you are. And I want you to really do

this and do this in her child work and completion process and somatic healing with a practitioner of some sort. And within six months, if you do this, you will be shooting from the stars, you know, in a beautiful way when it comes to finding love. But this is going to change everything in your life, including your health. But it will certainly change your love life. This is very exciting. I mean, it just is very exciting to sort of have a place to start and have a place to focus and are given some tools. And it's interesting because yesterday I really was starting up with my insurance, finding what providers I have so that I can talk to someone as well. Yes. Make sure it is not, and here I am a talk therapist saying this, but you do not want

to go to talk therapy. You don't want cognitive behavioral. You don't want talk. You don't want insight-oriented talk. You want somatic experience. Tell your insurance that you have trauma. Right. Because it is a kind of trauma. You need somatic trauma therapy because what the reason is trauma is that there are these parts that were traumatized, even though in comparison, you can say, oh, I wasn't I wasn't raped. I wasn't abused. Everyone was kind to my family. You know, I wasn't traumatized. We're all traumatized. Right. But for insurance purposes, you can say it's somatic therapy for trauma. And a lot of regular therapists do somatic healing. but talk is the last thing you need. You can talk till the cows come home. We want you to get back in your body.

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