Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - After Baby: How to Rekindle the Spark

Episode Date: October 16, 2024

Postpartum sexuality—how often do we actually talk about it? Probably not enough. You’re healing, emotions are high, and intimacy might feel like a distant thought. Meanwhile, your partner might be quietly wondering how to approach it too. So, how do you bring up such a sensitive topic without making it feel like walking on eggshells? And how do you open up when you’re still figuring things out yourself? In this episode of The Language of Love Sessions, I tackle a heartfelt question from a listener, Jessica, a listener who’s six months postpartum and trying to navigate intimacy in her marriage after a traumatic birth. I offer some compassionate advice on how to communicate openly with her husband and emphasize that honesty and vulnerability are key.  Don’t forget to check out my website for personalized courses like “Quantum Sex,” designed to support your unique journey.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is.

It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. It's a language of love session where I answer your questions and attend to your challenges in love, sex, relationships, dating, mating, anything to do with loving and being loved better. And remember, you can always send me a question at languageoflovepod at gmail.com.

All of your questions are so fantastic and they really are relatable because when you ask your question, believe me, millions of other people have the same one. This is an email question from Jessica. Dr. Berman, I'm six months postpartum and my husband and I have not had sex and have barely touched each other.

I had a really traumatic birth experience and had to have a C-section. I feel like my husband is afraid to touch me but I'm finally ready. It feels like it's been so long now that I don't know how to bring it up, but I feel like we're getting into a routine of no sex that I'm not happy with. How do I bring this up to him? Oh my goodness, Jessica, such a good question and so common. Also, like there's so many issues that come up. We could do a whole episode on postpartum sexuality. Maybe we'll do that. I mean, you're not having these problems. It sounds like you have some desire, but it's

very common. I mean, you should expect for up to six months after you stop breastfeeding, it can take for your desire to come back and for your sexual arousal to kick in when you're having sex. Because when you're breastfeeding, it's like your body is hormonally like a menopausal woman in order to create the milk. It has to kind of, those hormones have to really change and it can cause dryness and pain and difficulty getting aroused. So I just want to mention that even though it doesn't sound like that's applying to you, you sound like you have the desire, but you're just not sure how to bring it up. This is where the rubber meets the road. You're going to be parents together. You are parents together. You have to be able to talk about this, the

embarrassing, tough stuff. And so I think you just bring it up. Some people might say, put on some sexy lingerie and just skip out of the room. But after not having sex for six months, that's going to feel awkward. So I think you can go to him and say, honey, listen, I've just been thinking about something. And I got to tell you, I'm really feeling shy about even talking to you about it. So can we have a conversation? Just let me say that from the start. I love you so much. I love our life so much. And I'm so attracted to you. And I really miss our intimate life. And I know that our child's birth was traumatic and it was really horrible for both of us. And I've been healing from that. But I am ready to be intimate again. And I'm wondering how you feel about it.

And just have a really nonjudgmental, open-hearted conversation. Invite him and allow him with love to be really honest. My guess is he shut down his desire because he's afraid of hurting you. And so he's just kind of waiting for you. This is what I see in couples all the time. He's waiting for her. She's waiting for him. And then they're never having sex.

Here's a shout out to any woman who has experienced a horrible loss, is going through grief. I just want you to know you don't need to do this alone and you also don't have to go through this. You can grow through it. You can come out the other side of horrible loss, a more self-actualized, tapped in, tuned in, empowered version of yourself. You can continue a relationship with your loved ones on the other side. I am living proof of that. With the losses I have had, especially of my sweet boy, Sammy, who's forever 16, I can tell you that you actually don't have to just suffer through this.

And that is why I am holding a retreat for women in Chicago called From Heartbreak to Healing. I'm bringing in a whole bunch of my favorite healer teacher friends, and we are together going to take you through the process, not only of showing you how to heal, but making it inspiring, uplifting, and beautiful. It's only women this time.

I'll do some for men and for couples as well. But this time it's only women. So come and be embraced by a sacred sisterhood, meet other like-minded people and learn how to not just have to go through this horrible pain, but grow through it in beautiful ways. Just go to the link in my bio

on my Instagram page of Dr. Laura Berman or go to Eventbrite and search for Heartbreak to Healing Chicago and it'll come right up. I hope to see you there. So you reassure him, look, the scar has healed. I am ready. The doctor has said, and if they haven't said, just you can pretend the doctor said, because I'm telling you that in the beginning, when you first start having sex again after childbirth, even a non-vaginal childbirth, a C-section birth, nothing really feels in the

same place. So it sometimes is a little dry or there's a little bit of pain. That's to be expected. It's totally normal. You can say, I know what to do. I'm going to use coconut oil, assuming you're not allergic to coconuts. We're going to use organic coconut oil as a lubricant and we're going to be really gentle, but I am longing to be intimate with you. I miss you. and see how it goes. It will feel awkward the first time after six months. That is natural. Embrace that, giggle about it, be silly about it.

And if he loses his erection or you have some pain, just like pull back and cuddle. And if you are really struggling to come back together and it's just too awkward and you can't find your way, you are the kind of case that is so easy for a sex therapist to resolve because they will take you through the process of rebuilding your intimate life from the ground up

in a really conscious and communicative and loving way, they'll give you homework. I mean, they're gonna do it with you, obviously, but they'll give you homework each week and it'll probably take a max six to eight weeks to get your sex life back going in a really beautiful way that is probably gonna be more communicative,

more intimate and more pleasurable than it would have been otherwise. Listen, I know you have questions and things that you want some assistance with. And I am here to help. So that's what my Language of Love sessions are for. I can talk to you live on the line or you can email your questions and I will answer them.

And you can send them anonymously. It can be about a friend or a neighbor or someone you know. But what I want you to know is that when you ask that question, you're asking not only for yourself, but all the millions of other people who have the same question because they do and are learning right along with you. So if you have a question or you want me to talk about something or answer something or help you with a struggle, you can always email me at languageoflovepod at gmail.com. That's languageoflovepod, as in podcast, at gmail.com.

If you feel like, you know, you're trying this with him and either you just can't talk about it or he's totally shut down or you try it and it's just like not working or it's too awkward, go to ASECT.org, A-A-S-E-C-T, A-A-S-E-C-T.org, ASECT.org with two A's. That is the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists. And you can find a sex therapist in your area and their provider list who has had some, you know, the training and knows how to do this. And this is the time to do it. You don't want this to go on longer because the longer it goes, the bigger the valley or the canyon that you have to kind of cross. And that's not to say you can't cross, but it just feels more awkward. It feels more distant. There's stuff that starts

building in the relationship. So have the honest conversation, honor the fact that you're feeling awkward about it and that it's embarrassing, but also how much you love him, how attractive you find him, how much you miss that level of intimacy. I can't imagine that he won't be responsive unless he now has his own hangups and then the sex therapy will help with that. So hopefully that gives you some guidance. And if you want more guidance, keep us posted either way on how it goes. You can always email at gmail. It's languageoflovepod at gmail.com. And if you want to talk to me live, just say, I want a live session and send that to languageoflovepod at gmail.com. I am always here, ready to help you learn to love and be loved better.

I'm crazy for your love I wrote me a prescription But there's no cure for a cry