Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Am I Normal?

Episode Date: February 24, 2021

In today’s episode of the “Language of Love,” Dr. Laura Berman is tackling questions from listeners who are worried “Am I normal?”  First, we hear from a listener who worries that her rape fantasies make her a ‘bad’ feminist. Dr. Berman explains why rape fantasies are so common and why they happen, and what women are really fantasizing about when they fantasize about rape.  Next, Dr. Berman helps a divorced man who is newly into wearing women’s panties. He has also been gotten into ‘forced feminization’ fantasies in which he is compelled to dress as a woman. Now he is wondering if this means he is transgender or just into cross-dressing. Hear Dr. Berman tackle these and other embarrassing sex questions on this episode of “Am I Normal?” Dr. Laura Berman's website: https://drlauraberman.com/ The Language of Love Podcast: https://drlauraberman.com/pages/the-language-of-love *Please note: this episode was recorded before the heartbreaking death of Sammy Chapman, Dr. Berman’s son. For resources to help you talk to your kids about the dangers of prescription pills and synthetic drugs, click here.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist. And for more than two decades, I've been helping people learn how to love and be loved better. And now I am so excited to introduce my new podcast, The Language of Love, a safe and inspiring space where I'm going to be answering all your calls and email questions from people just like you. My goal with The Language of Love, to give you all the wisdom you need to create more meaningful intimacy and lasting sexual pleasure. It's time we all become fluent in The Language of Love. Welcome to The Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman.

I'm really excited to be with you this week. You've been sending in all kinds of voicemail questions and email questions. Make sure to ask any questions you have about love, sex, relationships, learning to love and be loved better. You can do that at languageoflovepod.com or you can go to drlauraberman.com and click on the podcast page. There are links there to send me email and even to record a voicemail question that I can answer on the show.

I've been having a lot of fun putting sort of all the questions together into themes. This week's theme is a really good one. one of my favorites, am I normal? We all are wondering that. And part of the problem is that nobody's talking about their deepest fears or concerns about their sex life. So they think they're weird or wrong or bad or dirty, and they don't realize that, you know what, it's completely normal. So we're going to see if we can dig into some of those voicemails, emails to spell out and make a verdict. Are you normal?

My guess is you probably are. And like I say to my kids when they tell me I'm weird, my response is always, why be normal? Normal's boring. Anyway, they just roll their eyes. But let's get to the questions. Here is an email question from Fiona. She says, Dr. Berman, my name is Fiona.

I'm 28 years old and this is a bit out there, but lately I've been fantasizing about being raped. When I masturbate, I picture a guy breaking into my house, raping me, and it's such an intense fantasy. I always reach orgasm almost right away. What is wrong with me? I'm a feminist, and I think rape is evil. Yet, I'm fantasizing about it.

Yuck, she says. Okay, I will not say yuck to you, Fiona, because I can tell you it is so unbelievably common what you're talking about. Mostly women, but so many women have rape fantasies And so here's the thing that I really want you to understand, everyone, about fantasies. They are not reality, okay? And most of the things people fantasize about, you know, I'm not talking about daydreaming

about, you know, wanting certain things to happen in your life or imagining certain things you want to manifest. I'm saying, you know, fantasizing sexually rarely is something that person would ever want to do or try in real life. That's what makes it so exciting, your imagination. So it is really common to fantasize about really dangerous, taboo, upsetting, offensive, demeaning things in your real life. And even if you had the opportunity to act on them sexually in your real life, you would never want to do. And it's also true that people have fantasies about who are in monogamous relationships.

And it doesn't mean you want to be with that person. Fantasies are just that. They're fantasies. Now, the only caveat I'll give you, Fiona, is that if you have a history of rape, sexual assault, sexual abuse, that still doesn't mean that something's wrong with you for fantasizing this way.

Because I would say in my clinical experience, more often than not, When I have found when someone is having these kinds of fantasies often goes hand in hand with having experienced it in real life. And once again, really important to qualify that if you were raped or assaulted or abused sexually, having these rape fantasies by no means indicates that you asked for it, that you wanted it, that you enjoyed it, that you are glad it happened or that you weren't a victim. It does not mean any of that. What I have found is that more often than not, it is the person's way of kind of reclaiming their power back. So I see this with women who have been victims of kidnapping, you know, or other dangerous

places and situations where abusive relationships, sometimes where their power was completely taken away. And then later, they are kind of making sense of it cognitively and emotionally and sexually by fantasizing about it because it's a way to kind of take the power back. So by no means would I tell you this is weird or abnormal. I think it's totally normal.

The only thing I want to say is that if you do have that history, make sure that you're getting help for it. Go find a sex therapist who specializes in sexual trauma and abuse and recovery, not so that you can get rid of these evil fantasies, but so that you can make sure Remember that whatever judgment you have about yourself, whatever unresolved shame, guilt, self-blame, self-worth, fear, anxiety, PTSD, any of that that may still be in there is being resolved.

Not even for your fantasy of life, but for your quality of life. The only reason I'm mentioning it is because, you know, there's no research to back this up. But in my clinical experience, it's more often than not that someone with rape fantasies was actually raped. So I'm just mentioning it because of that. I hope that helps. Now, here's another email from Justin who says, Dr. Berman, I am 42 years old. I'm divorced, but dating a new woman I'm really into. Here's the thing. After my divorce, I started experimenting more sexually and I found out I get really turned on when I wear women's panties or put on a bra. Sometimes I even do my nails or put on lipstick or something. It makes

me so horny. I even watch forced feminization pornography or create fantasies in my head in which I'm forced to dress as a woman. My new girlfriend says she thinks I'm transgender and she's okay with that. But here's the thing. I don't think I'm a woman. I don't want to be a woman. I just get aroused when I dress up like one sometimes. Does that make me trans? Do other quote-unquote normal guys like to wear pantyhose and stuff like that. Sure, lots of normal guys, Justin, like to wear women's clothing. Now, let's talk about this because there are lots of definitions here, right? And here's what you have to know. If someone is transgender, okay, that means, unlike you, they feel like they were born in the wrong body. So if you were

transgender, you would feel like, okay, I have a man's body, but I actually, for as long as I can remember, I have felt like I am a woman trapped in a man's body. The inside doesn't match the outside. You can imagine how horrific that would be growing up and living that way. And then if you were to identify that way, which you aren't because you're saying you identify as male, right? But let's just keep this going. If you were transgender, then you would maybe just live on the outside or enjoy dressing as a woman, or maybe you'd really want to live as a woman, or maybe you'd want to go through a complete transition physically, an operative transition. There are all sorts of possibilities, but that's not what we're talking about here.

What we are talking about with you, I believe, given your description, is transvestism, okay? Now, a transvestite, someone who identifies as a transvestite, is someone who enjoys emulating, dressing in the other gender's clothing. Now, keep in mind, Justin, women, we get to be transvestites all the time. I mean, look at President Biden's daughter at the inauguration. She wore, you know, a gorgeous Ralph Lauren men's tuxedo. But Harry Styles, if he showed up in a prom dress to inauguration, everybody would be flipping out. So unfortunately for men, women have a much easier time enjoying playing with gender stereotypes and gender tools and clothes and things than men do. Women can wear men's cologne. Women can dress in men's clothing. I mean, we could make a feminist statement that that's because society values men more than women. And so we support more women trying to be like men because they're sort of rising in society and men are demeaning themselves if they try to be like a woman. The point here is your fantasies, and they are just that.

So now we're in the category of transvestism. But in your case, you don't want to necessarily go out on the town and out to dinner dressed as a woman. The key to you, it seems like there are two keys, and they are both sexual in nature. you find it very erotic and arousing to dress in and emulate the feminine right the nails the hair the makeup the bra the underwear the silky panties all of that and you enjoy the idea of being forced to be in your feminine calculating route to avoid seeing poverty turn left to bypass the unhoused youth sleeping on the street then keep right to skip by the lines of people waiting for food

steer clear of the crowded shelter turning people away then take the next exit let's stop looking away and get in the way of rising poverty your donations help the united way fight poverty in thousands of ways like providing food shelter and crisis prevention donate today at unitedwaygt.org Now, usually when people enjoy the idea of being forced, it's because there's a part of them that either is too uncomfortable claiming it themselves. So it's even more arousing. Like I see this with women who are really sexually inhibited, but they desperately want to have sex. And they have all these fantasies about this man sweeping them away and seducing them where they just can't say no. Or sometimes, as I was saying earlier tonight, they may even have a rape fantasy. So you're having a version of that, I think, where either having the fantasy that someone's forcing you takes the onus away from you and allows you to enjoy it more so you don't have to judge yourself, which I don't think you should. But you don't have to if you are, you know, dressing as a woman. The other, and I find this often in particular in men and often women, too, who are in real positions of power.

They have a lot of weight on their shoulder. they have a lot of responsibilities, they have a lot of people they take care of, they have a lot of things they're needing to control and manage. And it's a lot of stress. And there is something so sexy and erotic about just having all the power taken away. I see that a lot in men who frequent dominatrixes. More often than not, those men are CEOs of Fortune 500 companies and are the men who run the world. And they're having to make decisions and be you know, bullying everyone and on top of everyone and on top of everything all day long. And they just love the release. And it feels like a sexual release to be able to hand that power

completely over to someone else. And so I wonder, Justin, if there is a little bit of that in this for you, if you are someone right now who identifies partly that you as a man, if you're one of those men who feels like you have to be on top of everything, handle everything, protect everyone, manage everything all the time, then there might be some real relief in having your power taken away. And that's why it's coming out in your fantasy life. Calculating route to avoid seeing poverty. Turn left to bypass the unhoused youth sleeping on the street. Then keep right to skip by the lines of people waiting for food. Steer clear of the crowded shelter turning people away then take the next exit let's stop looking away and get in the way of rising poverty your

donations help the united way fight poverty in thousands of ways like providing food shelter and crisis prevention donate today at unitedwaygt.org but the main thing to know is that sure normal no problem and thank goodness you have a girlfriend who's like fine with it but you can tell her, no, honey, I am not transgender. I am someone who's transvestite. And in your case, Justin, I would say you have a fetish around transvestism, a fetish when someone, in order to be considered a real fetish, it has to be something that you can't get aroused without, right? So if you had a fetish for transvestite or transvestitism, then you wouldn't be able to get sexually aroused easily or at all if you weren't either being forced to be in your feminine or

dressing as a woman or whatever. I get the sense that you really enjoy it, but that it's not required. So it's not officially a fetish, but it's kind of a fetish, if that makes sense. And it's more just a fantasy that you're playing with and acting out to a certain extent, but it doesn't have anything to do with how you want to live your life outside the bedroom, if that makes sense. So hopefully that gives you some guideposts to talk to your girlfriend, who I love that she's so open-minded and willing to play with you around this, because that makes a world of difference. You let me know if you need more support anytime on the language of love. You ready to go to a voicemail let's go to a voicemail is it true that when a woman orgasms she urinates

huh okay well so this question seems to be coming up a lot lately so the first thing i'll say to you is it is not true okay that she's urinating we know what you're talking about is when fluid comes out with orgasm for a woman she's not having an orgasm with a completely full bladder She's not peeing. She is ejaculating, female ejaculate, okay? Now, we now know over the past decade or so, they used to think that what we now know as ejaculate was urine, but it's not. Now, it comes out the same place as urine does, the urethral opening in the woman, just

like semen or a male ejaculate comes out the urethral opening where the pee comes out in men. It's the same in women, and it has some of the same properties, the female ejaculate, as male ejaculate. The key, though, is that scientists now believe that all women actually ejaculate. But the majority of women, not a huge majority, but the majority of women, nothing comes out. Nothing gets wet. They're not worried they're peeing or anything else. But they are still ejaculating. It's just going back up into their bladder and not out their urethra. But in fact, all women ejaculate. And those women who do ejaculate say that the pleasure

is much greater for them when they ejaculate than when they don't. It's even more intense. So normal, natural, not pee. And if you can listen to the Language of Love podcast I did entitled Sex Therapy 101, I remember getting into real detail about female ejaculate, what's in it, the experiments that demonstrated why it's not urine and why it seems that all women ejaculate and how to learn to ejaculate should you want to. So you can find that out in the podcast if you want to learn more about it. But to answer your question, totally normal, not pee, enjoy yourself. All right, let's go to an email question. Oh, this is anonymous. Okay. When my husband and I have sex, I will sometimes think about other men. It's not that I don't love my husband,

but sometimes I get bored. I fantasize about my cute neighbor or hot celebrities or whatever. Is that bad? Does everyone else do that? Like I said, I love my husband, but thinking about other guys helps me reach orgasm sometime. Totally normal. I mean, if you think he's not fantasizing about other women sometimes, you know, you're totally wrong. Because here's the thing, and this is what you have to understand. Like, let's just take a step back and talk about monogamy for a minute, okay? Now, I come from a background of evolutionary psychology, and I love reading all the studies and scientific discoveries of physical anthropology and archaeology and psychological anthropology and just like all the things that go into our nature, right, and our

evolution. And what we know about monogamy for life is that it developed really when farming began. When we started settling, rather than being nomadic tribes, and we started settling on land and farming it or raising cattle or whatever it was that we were doing, we needed kids and partners to make it all work. We started making this commitment to maintain. That's when the whole family became, as it's understood sort of today, really started. And there was a commitment to monogamy for life. Now, here's what you have to understand. That commitment to monogamy for life meant, okay, for life, but your life ended not long after your reproductive years. A 50-year-old was seen like an 85-year-old or a 90-year-old today because you were on your way out. So

Monogamy for life wasn't that long of a time. Today, monogamy for life is 30, 40, 50 years, sometimes, sometimes more. And can you maintain this deep sexual excitement all the way through? Not necessarily. Scientists also know that sexual relationships in love go through phases. We start out in the infatuation phase. That's where you can't get enough of each other. You're going at each other all the time.

the sexual energy is at an all-time high. They've actually looked at people's brains, you know, when they're in this phase of the relationship. And when they're thinking of their beloved, the same parts of the brain light up as they do in a coke addict. Literally, the addiction centers of our brains are firing like crazy. And it's exciting. And you're not fantasizing about anything but that other partner, right? And then from anywhere from three months to three years later, depending on how much time you spend together, how quickly you become committed, how predictable things start to be, how much stress you're both under. Then you move into what's known as the attachment phase, which is a deeper, sweeter, more sustainable form of love.

I mean, our society wouldn't function if we were in the infatuation stage all the time because we wouldn't be able to get anything done. So we move into the attachment phase and lots of couples struggle with that. First of all, because it's not really in our DNA to be with one person for this long and maintain that level of engagement and excitement, although we certainly can, but also it's just natural with familiarity. So fantasizing is a fabulous way of maintaining excitement. Some couples choose to share their fantasies together. Others keep it to themselves, and it has a lot to do with your personalities and how jealous you seem to get and how much it would affect the other person's confidence and any number of things, but it's totally normal.

And I think, you know, you're inspiring me to I want to do an episode coming up here, a language of love episode on like how to maintain excitement, how to spice it up, because I have lots of ideas for you. And since so many of us are in these long term relationships and sometimes in lockdown together in these long term relationships, I want to talk about how you can jumpstart your sex life. Also, make sure to go to DrLauraBerman.com because you can get my free program there, Seven Days to Jumpstart Your Sex Life, as well, if you're feeling a little blonde. That's whether you're in a relationship or not, you know, it's geared toward both. And whatever gender and whatever sexual orientation, you know, it encompasses everything. So you can find that at DrLauraBerman.com. And I'm going to do an episode, I think, on spicing it up because there's lots of ways we can do that.

So if you have any questions about that, go to languageoflovepod.com and there are links there to ask a question via email or to leave a voicemail question. And you can also go to drlauraberman.com and click on the podcast page as well. And make sure to follow me on social media on all platforms as well at Dr. Laura Berman. Check out all the YouTube videos I have on my channel as well. I will meet you back here next week, though. I'll be looking for your calls and questions leading up to that. I'm here always to help you love and be loved better.

I'll see you next time on the Language of Love. street. Then keep right to skip by the lines of people waiting for food. Steer clear of the crowded shelter turning people away. Then take the next exit. Let's stop looking away and get in the way of rising poverty. Your donations help the United Way fight poverty in thousands of ways like providing food, shelter, and crisis prevention. Donate today at unitedwaygt.org.