Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Are You Settling Instead of Searching for Your Soulmate?

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

This week on “The Language of Love,” I am doing a “Bite” episode. These are my short and sweet episodes in which I distill my best sex, love, and relationships advice into concise, actionable steps. These episodes are less than 10 minutes long so they are perfect for those times when you are running short on time but still want a boost for your mind, body, and soul. For today’s “Bite” episode, I am addressing one of the most common questions I get asked as a relationship therapist: How do I know if my partner is ‘the one’? Many times, people stay with partners that don’t necessarily tick all of their boxes, but being with someone is better than being alone. Does this sound familiar? If you have every stayed in a relationship that is far from ideal just because you would rather be with someone than be alone, then you need to listen to this “Bite.” On this episode, you will learn how to: • Find out if your romantic choices are being driven by fear or by a need to find someone to ‘complete’ you • How to lean into your intuition to see if you are really in love or if you just don’t want to be alone • Discover your key childhood wounds that might be playing a role in your fear of being alone or not having a partner • Stand in your own power and feel complete on your own, whether you are with a partner or you are single Give this “Bite” episode of “The Language of Love” a listen and then reach out to me on social media to let me know your thoughts! Have you ever stayed in an unhappy relationship just because you are afraid of being alone? Do you ever fear that you are settling just so you don’t have to be single? Reach out to me and let me know your thoughts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick, and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. This language of love bite is about how and when to leave a relationship that isn't working. And let's face it, it's never easy to leave a relationship.

I guess the point at which it becomes easiest is, and this is what I always say to folks when they're in that stuck place of like feeling like they probably need to move on, but they're too scared or they're struggling. basically what needs to happen and all things that we want to change in our life and we're too scared to change or we're too scared of the consequences of changing is that the pain of being in the relationship or being in that situation has to be greater or has to become greater than the fear of leaving it. It's just a human nature equation. If you're struggling to leave something, eventually the pain of being in that something you're struggling to leave

is going to be greater than your fear of leaving it and the consequences of leaving it. And where I see that fear pretty high is in older people, you know, older, what's older in people who have been together, let's say 20 years or more people who are in their forties, fifties and beyond and are ready and wanting to leave a relationship, but they think to themselves, okay, I'm not 18 anymore. I'm not in my twenties anymore. I'm not in my thirties anymore. And so the pool of people that I maybe had access to back then, I no longer will have access to, right? Because those people are wanting to date 20 and 30 year olds. And that's true. There's also kind of this pressure to stay with a partner that you don't even love necessarily,

or that you care about, but that person isn't willing to grow or isn't willing to do the things that they need to do to better, you know, to really fully meet your needs or to show up for you in the way that you need, or they have some sort of struggles or addictions that they aren't dealing with and addressing. Right. And we say to ourselves, well, it's better to be with the devil I'm with than to be alone or to be with the devil. I don't know. Right. But the real fear is about being alone or goodness forbid, dying alone. Right. So it's better to, you know, I'd rather be with this person who I don't really care that, you know, I don't truly love or doesn't really make me happy or in an unfulfilling relationship than to be alone. And I get that

concern too, right? Because it's scary to get older alone. And certainly if you struggle with any health issues or you have struggle with self-care, or if you fear that that's going to struggle in your life. That's most people's fear of being alone. But here's how I feel about it. First of all, in any relationship, if you've made that commitment, especially to marriage, and even if you haven't, but certainly if you're married, you've made a commitment and you want to do whatever you can to heal what's not working in the relationship, to heal yourself for any parts of you that are standing in the way of the relationship working better and to hopefully get help for the two of you, right? Because you absolutely can. There's no relationship that can't

be saved, assuming, and this is a big assumption, assuming both of you are willing to do the work it takes to make it better, right? So, if you have a partner who is unwilling to go to therapy when therapy is really needed or is unwilling to do the self-exploration or personal growth that is required or healing that is required for them to stop behaving in toxic or destructive ways or dysfunctional ways or addictive ways or stopping them from showing up for you in the relationship the way that you deserve, right? If they're unwilling to get the help or to address those things in a conscious and consistent way, that's important information for you because that means this is what you get, right?

This person is not willing to do the work it takes to make the relationship better and to keep the relationship strong. So then it's about really, that's the only circumstance under which a relationship can't grow into that which you desire, in my experience. function and coffee plus b6 to keep your day moving or go with the flow and choose ginseng delight our new double espresso with ginseng extract whatever lies ahead don't change your morning let your morning change you discover coffee plus on espresso.com so if that's the case right then you're in choice do i want to stay in this limbo of unhappiness with someone who doesn't really make me happy, but I can at least tell myself that I'm not going to be alone, right? Or do I take that leap of faith that when I stand for myself, when I believe in myself,

when I'm not bypassing my deepest heart's desire, when I'm not gaslighting myself to stay in a toxic relationship, that actually the universe will rise up to support me, that actually things will work out much better than I may fear that they will. And that this is really about having faith that the universe is a friendly place, that God, Jesus, oneness, spirit, whatever you want to call it, is supporting you always. And especially when you're moving from a place of wholeness and integrity, because any decision made out of fear is never a good one. And that includes the decision to stay out of fear. There are other reasons you're staying.

You love the person, you want to work it out, you're committed to them, fine. But if you're staying out of fear, that's never a good reason to stay. And so if that means getting yourself support with a therapist or a coach or a clinician that can help you really cultivate the bravery you need and the courage you need to make that change,

that's one avenue to explore. range infused with functional benefits. Choose the coffee you love with added B vitamins like coffee plus B12 to help support immune function and coffee plus B6 to keep your day moving or go with the flow and choose ginseng delight. Our new double espresso with ginseng extract. Whatever lies ahead, don't change your morning. Let your morning change you. Discover coffee plus on Nespresso.com. The other thing I'll say is that we all have a lot of stories, right? So if I stay in this relationship, then I won't die alone. Is that really true? Like what if you stay in this relationship and your partner gets hit by a bus tomorrow, God forbid, right? Or gets

critically ill. And then not only are you dying alone, you're dying alone, taking care of them, right? We have no idea what's going to happen. What if you leave that person and you don't find anyone else. Okay. But you also, in that freedom, are able to become so self-actualized and self-realized and in your flow that you make amazing friends and you all move into a house together and share a caretaker, right? Maybe you'll actually go out there and do that dream business or that dream job now that your frequency isn't so low because you've been staying stuck in a situation that makes you so low frequency for so long, and you'll actually find yourself in major financial abundance so you can have all the caretakers you need and you won't die alone,

right? Nobody has to die alone. I understand the logistical piece of caretaking and illnesses and all of that, but emotionally, there are always friends and soulmates available to you. I'm not even saying necessarily romantic ones, but soul friends and connections. When you are coming into the world and reaching out to the world and engaging in the world in a full-hearted and grounded way where you are living in integrity with yourself, which often means getting out of those situations, you're too scared to leave, right? When you are that, you are a magnet for amazing people and amazing experiences. It works every single time. And we forget that, or maybe we never learn that. So we stay stuck in these really unhappy situations out of fear

of the unknown. And that's where faith comes in, right? Because faith is about trusting that which you can't see. And change is always freaking scary, but change is inevitable. And what I'm finding time and time again is when we stay stuck in a relationship, in a job, in a circumstance out of fear, it's going to blow up in our face eventually anyway. And the pain of being in that situation will get greater than the fear of leaving it. And in my experience, the hope is always that you don't have to get there, right? Because we want you to have as little pain as possible. So I hope that gives you some guidance, not only about ending a long-term marriage or or a relationship or partnership, but certainly doing that and thinking about the ramifications

of that in later life. So if you have anything you want me to take a bite into on the language of love bites, you let me know because I'm always here to help you learn to love and be loved better. I went to the doctor, said I'm crazy for your love Wrote me a prescription, but there's no cure for a cry