Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Butterflies or Red Flags: How to Tell the Difference with Laura Berman

Episode Date: September 14, 2026

Butterflies or Red Flags: How to Tell the Difference with Laura Berman You meet someone and the chemistry is immediate. You can’t stop thinking about them. You’re checking your phone, rereading texts, analyzing what they said, and wondering when you’ll hear from them again. It feels exciting. Maybe even a little intoxicating. But is that chemistry? Or is your nervous system getting activated by something that feels very familiar? In this Language of Love Bite, I’m talking about one of the easiest mistakes to make in dating: assuming that the intensity we feel around someone tells us something about how right they are for us. Sometimes butterflies really are excitement and attraction. But sometimes what feels like incredible chemistry is uncertainty, anxiety, or an old attachment pattern getting stirred up. And that may also explain why a kind, consistent, emotionally available person can initially feel a little... boring. So how do you tell the difference? I’ll show you how to pay attention to what happens after the date, not just during it. Do you leave feeling grounded, open, and more like yourself? Or do you leave preoccupied, anxious, and trying to figure out where you stand? In this episode, you’ll learn: Why butterflies aren't necessarily evidence that someone is right for you How uncertainty can create an incredibly powerful sense of attraction Why emotionally available people can feel less exciting when you’re accustomed to relational unpredictability How to recognize the difference between attraction and nervous-system activation What to notice in your body before, during, and after spending time with someone Why curiosity is more useful than immediately deciding, “This must be my person” The question to ask yourself when you find yourself becoming obsessed with someone Chemistry matters. Attraction matters. But neither one can tell you whether someone is capable of building the kind of relationship you actually want. And sometimes the person who doesn’t send your nervous system on a roller coaster deserves a second look. If this conversation resonated with you, I’d love to hear from you. You can reach me at [e-mail] or leave a voicemail at languageoflovepod.com. Like to learn more about how to call healthy love into your life and be a match for it, check out my book Quantum Love Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, and for more than 30 years, I've been helping people navigate love, intimacy, desire, and relationships with more clarity and confidence. Welcome to Language of Love Bites. These are short, direct episodes where I answer your most asked questions and tackle the topics you really want to talk about, often around sex, dating, intimacy, and the messy realities of modern relationships. let's get fluent together in the language of love. So have you ever wondered whether you can actually trust chemistry? In this language of love bite, I'm going to share a key distinction that I think

has the power to completely change the way that you think about attraction. By the end of this conversation we're going to have, I hope you understand why chemistry can sometimes lead us toward amazing relationships and other times pull us right back into an old pattern. People ask me about chemistry all the time, and it's super important. But it's also probably one of the most common things I hear about when someone starts telling me about a new relationship. They'll say, oh, I've never felt chemistry like this before. And usually they're smiling real big when they say it because they think it's a really good sign and that they found someone special. That may be true, but what's interesting is that if I keep listening, sometimes that same

person starts describing a relationship that's making them incredibly anxious. They're checking their phones all day. They're wondering why the other person hasn't texted back. They're replaying every conversation in their head, trying to figure out if they did something wrong or if they said or shared too much. And that is when I usually stop and ask myself a question. Are they describing chemistry or are they describing the roller coaster of uncertainty? Because those two experiences can feel surprisingly similar. I think we've been taught to believe that if someone gives us butterflies, if we can't stop thinking about them, if the attraction feels overwhelming, than we have found, quote, unquote, the one.

We call it chemistry, and we assume chemistry is always something we should trust. But I'm not so sure that's true. I think chemistry is real and important. You have to be attracted to the person you're with. I also think chemistry is information. But the mistake we make is assuming we already know what that information means. I'll never forget a woman who said to me, I've never had butterflies like this before. And I asked her, what do the butterflies actually

feel like? She looked at me for a second. I'm not sure anyone had ever asked her that much information about her butterflies. But then she said, honestly, they don't feel good. My stomach is in knots. I can't eat. I'm wondering what he's thinking when she thinks that's the way she's supposed to feel. And I smiled because I think we've romanticized butterflies. Sometimes they're excitement, but often it's the body's warning system. It's our nervous system recognizing something familiar because you've lived this before. That's why I don't think the question is, do I have chemistry? I think the better question is, what is creating the chemistry? is it emotional safety is it genuine connection is it admiration is it shared values or is it

unpredictability is it chasing someone's attention is it finally getting a text after two days of silence hey it's dr laura berman i've been a sex love and relationship therapist for over 30 years And the main question I always get asked is, how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level, capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams, and how to connect on an even deeper

level sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage, the quantum sex free course. Check it out. Let me know what you think. those experiences create very different relationships as you can imagine and one of the things i've noticed over the years is that the healthiest relationships often feel different than people expect they're certainly expecting in the beginning chemistry but underneath that excitement, there's also a sense of ease. You're not spending every day wondering where you stand. You don't feel like you're earning your place in someone's life. You get to relax. You get to be yourself. You get to enjoy discovering each other. For some people, that actually feels

unfamiliar. And if you've spent years believing that love is supposed to be intense and unpredictable or hard to hold on to. A healthy relationship can almost feel too calm at first. I've had clients tell me that they're worried they're settling because they don't have enough butterflies. And then they describe someone who's thoughtful, dependable, emotionally available, funny, affectionate, kind, attractive. I always think the same thing. Maybe you're not settling. maybe your nervous system is actually experiencing peace and it doesn't know how to recognize that so here's the distinction I promised you at the beginning chemistry tells you that something is happening curiosity helps you discover what it is that's actually happening so the next time you

feel incredible chemistry with someone don't immediately decide what it means just stay curious pay attention to how you feel after you've spent time together. Notice whether you feel more like yourself or less like yourself. Notice whether you're building a relationship around genuine connection or around uncertainty, because chemistry can absolutely open the door. The relationship itself will tell you whether it's a door worth walking through. Before we wrap up this love bite, here's the question I'd love for you to carry with you. The next time you feel incredible chemistry with someone, ask yourself, what is creating this feeling? You might be surprised by the answer. If you enjoyed this love bite, I would love it if you follow us on the

Language of Love wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts. And if someone came to mind while you were listening, make sure to share this episode with them. Thanks for spending time with me, and I'll see you next time on the Language of Love. Take you home with me, I wanna make, I know I wanna make