Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Collateral Damage: The Hidden Cost of Revenge

Episode Date: May 29, 2023

Have you ever wished harm on another person? Someone who did you wrong in some form or fashion? Maybe it’s an ex, a co-worker, or a neighbor who crossed you. The truth is most everyone has felt this way a time or two. But have you ever thought about the cost of vengeance? In this Language of Love Bite, we’ll uncover the hidden costs of vengeance, fury, anger and what they can potentially cost you. There’s a healthier way to express your disdain for a situation or a choice that doesn't align with your core values or desires. It doesn’t cost you anything and allows you to feel complete. Listen to this episode to learn more! Visit my website and check out my books on love, sex, and relationships. Be sure to tune in regularly to The Language of Love for great discussions and thought-provoking conversations with accomplished individuals and experts offering invaluable advice on how to love and be loved better. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman. And for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. we hear so often about treating others as we want to be treated ourselves and about

leading with love. I mean, certainly I talk a lot about that, but I also understand that, people are feeling really angry and activated now. So I wanted to spend a little bit of time talking about why it matters to you specifically, why it really is important to lead with love, Right. And the best way I can think to do that is to explain to you what happens energetically to you when you are moving from a place of revenge or cancel culture or judgment. And Lord knows, I mean, you know me, I understand that there is a lot to judge. I, just like you, are seeking justice for many things and want justice for many things. But justice is not where I'm sourcing my peace. Justice will be great if it happens.

I want it to happen. But whether it happens or not, that doesn't affect my peace. And that's a very different energy to come to justice with, right? But as even just recently, all the boycotts have been happening and I've made some videos about it. Here's the thing. When you are expressing hate towards someone, blackballing someone, canceling someone, seeking revenge on someone, even if you're, quote unquote, justified, even if there are good reasons for it. What is happening inside you in order to be in the energy of those feelings of wanting justice and anger and retribution and it's not fair and all of the energy of the feelings

that come up with that, in order to take those actions or speak those words or write those words, your system has to be in the energetic frequency of those words to do it. That's what you're creating, right? So you are not only putting that energy onto someone else who maybe deserves it, right? Because they've done something to you or hurt you, or they are doing something to hurt others or whatever it is, right? Of course, you're hurting them. You know that. But do you know that you're also hurting yourself. Because in order to hurt that other person, your body and your energetic system of your body has to be in the energetic frequency of he, she, they, who is hurting. You hurting someone else, that is. You are now in the energetic frequency of

vengefulness, anger, fury. You're in the energy of those emotional states in order to take those actions. And when you are in the energy or in the frequency of those emotional states, you are actually moving your physical body into those energetic states, which causes cardiovascular constriction, inflammation, other physical problems. But even on the manifestation level, on the spiritual level, you are now holding the energetic frequency of anger, resentment, frustration revenge you're holding the energetic frequency of that and the reality each of us is creating and manifesting 24 7 whether we're aware of it or not is always a reality that matches our energetic frequency that's actually the secret behind the secret right that what we are manifesting

in the world around us is a reflection not of who we are but what we are what emotional energetic state our body is holding consciously and unconsciously. Listen, regardless of your sexual orientation or your gender or your relationship status, every single one of us has struggled at one point or another with a lackluster or disconnected sex life or difficulty finding the partner that we most desire. So I have designed an amazing program for you, 7 Days to Better Sex. Each day, you're going to get a video and an information packet all designed to help you jumpstart your love life. Just go to www.drlauraberman.com. So when you are living from a place of anger, resentment, fury, justice-seeking,

you know, that big, big energy of anger, it's not that we don't need anger to create change. But when you are trying to harm others, destroy others, boycott others, this is what we mean when we say what you do to others, you're also doing to yourself. This is what we mean when we say we are all one, because we really are. What you do to someone else, in order to do it, your body moves into the frequency of what you're doing. And then that is the energy that you are putting out into the quantum field and manifesting is going to be reflected back to you, right? In some way. I'm not saying that if you do something horrible to someone else that you can be guaranteed something horrible is going to happen to you. I'm not even talking about karma here. I'm talking

about that it harms your reality. It harms the reality you're manifesting. It is not going to be reflected well. In one way or another, you are accidentally creating more experiences of frustration, anger and resentment when you are living from and acting from frustration, anger and resentment. Now, you may ask, OK, well, so then what do we do about all the crazy shit in the world and all the injustices? And I feel very strongly that, you know, a woman is a woman and Dylan Mulvaney is, you know, affecting my womanhood and this isn't OK. And I have every right to boycott Budweiser or boycott Nike. Yes, you do. And you should. That's America. Right. And I'm not saying, I'm not even saying you can't boycott, like that's your right.

And I'm not going to argue with you about your beliefs. I mean, absolutely do whatever you want, but it's the energy with which you're doing it, right? New from Nespresso, blend wellness into your coffee routine with the Coffee Plus range infused with functional benefits. Choose the coffee you love with added B vitamins like Coffee Plus B12 to help support immune function and coffee plus b6 to keep your day moving or go with the flow and choose ginseng delight our new double espresso with ginseng extract whatever lies ahead don't change your

morning let your morning change you discover coffee plus on espresso.com so one person who boycotts nike because they have dylan mulvaney as a spokesperson because they believe that transgender is bullshit or wrong or whatever their story is right and i'm not saying this is my story at all you know it's not but i'm just speaking for those whose story it is right one group of people who feel that way would be like okay well this isn't cool with me and i've always been a fan of nike but i'm gonna vote with my pocketbook and i'm not gonna you know that's it i just nike's not for me anymore and you're peaceful about it you realize you're not wishing dylan mulvaney ill you're not thinking that he deserves to die or is the bane of of

society's existence. You're not filled with anger or resentment or fury at Dylan Mulvaney or at Nike. Right. You're just like, oh, this is gross and it's not for me. And, you know, I'm not going to participate. Right. That's a very different energy. So when you are in the energy of fury and anger and resentment and you're from that place, you are accidentally going to create more experiences in your life and realities in your life that are going to create those feelings because now you are a frequency match for anger and resentment and fury and revenge, right? So that ain't going to be fun for you. Now, if you can be in a place of peace and acceptance and recognize that whatever's going on with Dylan Mulvaney, they're human too. And they're a soul

and we're all one soul and we're all affecting each other. And it's none of my business how this person decides to live their life. And I'm going to be in flow about it. I'm not going to let it affect my peace. I'm going to go into myself and maybe work with some of the resistance or the negative stories or the trauma stories that I have related to this. I'm not going to bypass my beliefs, but I'm not going to stay stuck in places of anger, resentment and control and fury, then you're actually moving in not only an integrity with yourself, but you're holding a more peaceful frequency. You're holding a frequency of courageousness and clarity and hopefulness and peace. That's a very different energy. And it is the energy with which you can take tremendous

action. You can create tremendous social change, but trying to create social change from a low frequency, destructive, energetic place, not only hurts everyone else and whoever you're intending to hurt, it hurts you. So please remember that. Please, please, please, if not for everyone else's sake, for your sake, lead with love. I went to the doctor, said I'm crazy for your love