Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Conscious Loving: How to Break the Cycle of Resentment and Build Connection

Episode Date: January 8, 2025

In this episode of The Language of Love Session, I continue to guide Bryan and Stacey through the ups and downs of their relationship, tackling key issues like communication, trust, and appreciation. If you haven’t tuned into their journey yet, be sure to catch up on our previous sessions—it’s a story you won’t want to miss. This week, things got a little bumpy. Both Bryan and Stacey found themselves in a tug-of-war, each trying to be "right," which only created more distance between them. As we dive deeper, we uncover how past traumas are still influencing their relationship today. The good news? Both Bryan and Stacey are committed to showing more appreciation for one another, hoping to create a more balanced and loving partnership. Here’s what you’ll learn in this episode: The ways past trauma impacts trust issues Why showing appreciation is a game-changer for deeper connection How each partner’s unconscious energetic state  shapes the relationship How to balance between masculine and feminine energy in love Simple ways to express gratitude and acknowledgment Real-life examples of supporting and standing up for your partner How to build a culture of appreciation for long-term growth Remember healing and connection are journeys best taken with the right tools. Ready to deepen intimacy? Check out my Quantum Sex Course or read Conscious Loving by Gay and Katie Hendricks. For trauma recovery, tools like EMDR and the Drama Triangle can help. Got questions or stories? Email me at [e-mail], and don’t forget to share this episode—because love is a journey we take together. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Brian and Stacey, welcome back to the language of love. Okay. This is our third session. Okay.

How are we doing? What's happened since the last time we met? I'll let you go. yeah it's it's been a tough week it's been hard what's been happening a lot of quarreling a lot stupid fighting trying to be right and definitely not as much closeness for sure yeah it's been tough and been hard what's your story about what that's about i think the story is that i'm not taking the time to read i'm not taking the time to i guess work on the relation you know apparently it's not apparently sorry it's not i have not put forth the effort and time energy into it as much as stacy does or would like me to as well or even that consciously i should put in i have to put more time into it what do you think that's about if you haven't

been putting the time i think there's some resentment still there and i have been i'm trying to balance social fitness business our kids but more just trying to balance trying to learn everything i've just trying to wear a lot of different hats and trying to balance everything but also there's probably a part of it being resentment a little bit and resentment about what it's just previous times of me trying to be close without being intimate and me trying to think that i could work on things like that but i feel like stacy not would not bring that to the table or not you know try to meet me on those i felt like that i'm not saying that's what truth is but i feel like that's kind of happened before in the past and i have a little bit of resentment

built up from that i just want to make sure i understand you you mean that because in your mind because you aren't necessarily making the effort to work on the relationship and explore the things that would that you've both agreed to explore that would support the relationship more that then stacy isn't available for physical affection or positive interactions or quality time and won't really meet you there and you resent that. Is that what you're saying? Or am I not understanding? I think that's roughly around there. It all intertwines into it all. Yeah. So what's your take on what's going on, Stacey? So I found the book that you were talking about, Conscious Loving, and I think it's

a really good book for exactly what we're going through. And I guess I have uncovered even more stuff pertaining to trust. So trust isn't just about the agreements that Brian has made, and hasn't been happening. It's also about how I'm taken or viewed or represented in his life. So if he doesn't have my back when it comes to my family or his family, then that to me also, you know, breaks trust. For me, coming from a family that didn't have trust and the very foundation of it was broken, I would feel strongly that he would take on that role or not really take on the role, but actually be the person that's defending me and standing up for me or seeing me and believing me and all of those things. And so I think listening to the book, I've realized there's more to my resentment than

just, you know, not him not being able to provide properly or what have you. It's got like so many layers of it. And he views that as, you know, she, you know, I do provide for her. So she should not be complaining. And what else did you say? I forget what you said. You said something. And I said, no, it all goes hand in hand.

And the other thing that came up for me, too, is the resentment behind I'm putting forth effort into the relationship by reading and learning and uncovering things about myself so that I can be on the same page with Brian and so that we can have an amazing relationship and have our own rules and agreements in our relationship because we didn't have that as role models with our parents. and I'm getting irritated because I feel like Brian is doing this based on the fact that it's all me I'm the problem I'm the person who has to be fixed and I feel if he was listening to the book he would understand that it's a hundred percent me and a hundred percent him and we both take accountability for the things we do in our relationship and don't do in our relationship and that we both have to have the awareness so that we can help each other have what we want. It's not just a one person thing. I mean, however, I do have a lot that I do bring to the table, but it's not like I fooled Brian and I've now just uncovered this whole

box of trouble. This has always been here, the trauma. And just so people are just kind of tuning in, definitely listen to the first two episodes we did together about what you're talked, I mean, there's a core issue here is that we're trying to support you at least until we get to, until an opening happens for a therapist who accepts your nationalized healthcare, because these kinds of issues, you really need to take a deeper dive with a weekly therapist, right? And I'm doing my best to support you through that. And as part of that, we've been trying to work with books, right? So that's where this book thing is coming in. Cause obviously a book is going to help and it's going to be a tool, but it's not going to solve all of these issues. And Conscious

Loving, which is what I suggested last time, is a really beautiful book for the way, I mean, it sounds like you're a very good student and you've read it and you learned about how each of you have a hundred percent and the way your childhood wounds and about trust and about how to argue, but all of that. So I'm just giving that as a little bit of background. I do want to challenge you for a minute. I get that your experience is that Brian just puts all the onus on you. Our last session, he very tenderly was claiming some of the ways where he blamed himself for the issues in your relationship. And I saw him taking maybe a little bit too much responsibility in that regard, at least in that thread of the relationship around being a provider

and feeling like he wasn't a provider. And one of the things we talked about, let me just check in on you as we're just kind of getting a review of what's happened so far, and then we'll take a deeper dive in. One of the things we talked about was Brian leaning on you a little bit more around accessing your strengths that could support him in his work. And has he been doing that? Yes. Okay, good. And how has that been going for you, Brian? How does that feel? It helped. It did help a bit. There's so much more that we can do for that. There's so much more that we can uncover and have that help. But yeah, it was great. It was really, I felt like stacy was more involved and helped her have a little bit of um a little less worry and gave

her a little more kind of control which i think that she's there's a part that is worried about that trust and worried about that waiting for me for answers versus her being able to get them i think that's important for her and yeah transparency never mind like it it would massively help me if we can do more and more of that there's so much more that we can do and are you willing to do more of that, Stacey? How is it for you? Was he receptive and it worked okay for you to do that? Yeah. Okay, good. So let me ask you this, Stacey, and this is not pointing the finger of blame because I want to ask both of you, but I think this isn't particularly important in this direction that we're going. My story is, this is my story from the little bit I know of you, that Brian is

a little bit treading water to keep his head above water. And he's also trying to create some sort of work-life balance between having some things that kind of fill his cup, working out, social, and certainly family, as well as struggling to really kick butt in this business and support the family. And so that's his reason for not kind of diving into these explorations with you and bibliotherapy, as we call it, reading these books. But I also think that part of it, and you alluded to this last time, Brian, that part of it is that reading it, the fear is that it's going to get kind of heavy and it's going to be negative and you're going to be dealing with difficult stuff, right? And then you read the book, Stacey, and you get all kinds of really important information

from it and learnings and teachings, but you also get a lot more clarity on brand new problems that you didn't know were there before. And so I kind of don't, I mean, I kind of get why he'd be like, shit, I don't know that I want to read this book. Please tell me you don't have like 10 books lined up. I'm only doing the books because we don't have weekly therapy. Otherwise, I would say stay off the books altogether because of this. So let me ask you, Stacey, you've uncovered some really valuable stuff that we can dig into and that's important to dig into. And I definitely encourage you, in addition to talking about it here, keeping a journal and really tracking this stuff and taking your 100%, as you said, around being really conscious about it, taking responsibility

for it, working through it. Another thing to explore with, which I know I've mentioned to you before, is Nicola Perla's self-healing circle, where you can work with trauma a lot, including emotional trauma and family trauma. How much attention have you been putting on for the past couple of weeks, Stacey, in the midst of all this on looking for and expressing appreciation to Brian for things he's doing right? I wouldn't say very much, but I, I have said thank you for certain things, but I haven't really done much. Yeah. There's more resentment than appreciation. Yeah. I haven't finished reading the book yet. Well, I'm sure I don't remember everything in the book, but I'm sure they get into that. The

only reason I ask is that what I know so far about Brian is that his heart is in the right place. He may be a little bit clumsy and avoidant at times in terms of dealing with stuff, but his intentions are pure. His love for you is pure from what I can see. I mean, obviously I don't know your ins and outs and what goes on behind closed doors, but guys like, like Brian and I can feel into his energy. And I think this is true by the way, for pretty much everyone, but especially men and especially men who want to be a provider, because there's a lot of masculine energy there. They really, really need like almost like bread and water. They need appreciation. And that doesn't mean that you fawn all over them. Like you're the greatest thing when

they're being total a-holes. But so much of the focus between the two of you has been on the problems and on the ways he's not showing up enough. He's not doing the homework. And there are lots of things he's not doing. And there's lots of things he could be doing more of or better to support your healing as a couple. No one's disagreeing with that. Even he started off saying that but there's probably lots of things he's doing right right can you think of anything even just over the past couple of days or the past week that he has done right or that he has done well or that you appreciate it yeah like what well for starters having to come on the show like he did that. Yeah, he found me. Exactly. The fact that we've now been having proper discussions before

we just, you know, discipline the kids. So it's almost like a joint thing. Oh, good. So he's been following through on that being a joint force with the kids. And that was an issue last week. Good job, Brian. That's a really big thing. Before he changes things, because after he thought about it and decides no actually what we agreed upon I kind of you know have a I have a different take on it but he hasn't he doesn't just go and send it to them he sends it to me privately and then I say yay or nay and then most times I say yay because he's come to me privately and said I've had a chain of a change of mind and so he has done a couple things like that yeah good what else can you think of I can think of him showing up every time we have to see you he does yeah

what about anything around the way he treats you or the way he's helping around the house I don't mean just with work I mean with anything is there anything else you've noticed that you can really appreciate in your day-to-day life well I can see well not this week but the previous weeks I saw more public displays of affection i saw him you know be more attentive to me not this week but yes the weeks previously in terms of housework and stuff no that's just it's almost like that's just my territory and he just leaves that all up to me but it would be nice for him to be helpful sometimes but yeah and also I think oh what's cool too is just today he got a library card so he can listen to this stuff while he's driving so he doesn't really have to read it oh so first

of all what was it like to hear that was there anything you didn't know that you weren't aware that she was tracking and appreciating brian all i do is win win win yeah it's um it's a breath of fresh air for some of that stuff to go noticed i guess instead of being unnoticed and yeah this week has been like last week i definitely was very purposeful in my display of affection and just showing her how much like she's close to me and how much she means to me because I know she you know it's one of her things that she really likes is that you know like I showed me she's she's like we're together we're a person and I know that she likes that so I did that on purpose and uh because I love to do that that's you know I love her and that's what I love

to do but then I guess the novelty kind of wore off after that and I felt like I wasn't really appreciated and I just kind of got resentful after that but um I did I could definitely to do so much like i wish yeah i need to help out on the house a little bit more and do some more stuff and she's right in that aspect sorry it was a question i'm lost i apologize so i just okay there's two kinds of feedback i find from and i don't mean to simplify you too much brian or men in general but i'm simplifying just for the sake of helping is the two things that really really reinforce positive behavior, engagement, more of what you want is sex and appreciation. You know, those are the cookies as Steve already used to say, or we called sex the cookie, right?

And so we don't have sex on the table, although, you know, I'm guessing you haven't done it again. Maybe you have, but appreciation is, and I think it's true for any of us, for you too, Stacey, that when your efforts are going, they're always probably being noticed. You've noticed all of these things and appreciated them in the moment. And listen, I'm guilty of this too with my husband. I mean, it's not like all of us are guilty of this. And especially when you're in a period of frustration or feeling like your needs aren't being met, it's really hard to focus on what is working and what you can appreciate. And one of the easiest ways, honestly, for anyone to sort of shift things a little bit in the relationship is to start looking. I always

will tell a couple who's asking, how can we connect more? How can we improve things? One of the easiest ways is make an effort and both of you can do this. I'm not saying you sweep the issues under the rug or pretend they're not there or don't work on them. But in addition to that, You are also looking for at least five genuine things you can appreciate about them that they're doing every single day and expressing it to them. It could be, you know what, that shirt looks great on you. I love how it brings out the color of your skin or the color of your eyes. Or I so appreciate you reaching out to me first before you changed the plan with the kids. That really made me feel like you hear me and understand, right?

And I think this is true for both of you, for anyone in a relationship. It doesn't just go one way. But I think if you do that in this case, Stacey, and Brian, I want you to do it for her too, not to put one more thing on your to-do list, but this is a great way to connect with her, which I know you want to do, is just notice and mention even the things you're supposed to be doing. Like maybe Stacey always makes dinner and washes the dishes afterwards. And even, you know, yes, you can help her a little bit, maybe take out the trash or help with the, you know, something to take a little bit of the load off. And then she's going to appreciate you and express that

appreciation when you do. But even for the things that she does every single night and that you both understand is her quote unquote job for you to say, thank you for doing that. I know you do this every night and I really appreciate it. Makes a huge difference. Huge. I mean, astounding difference. And there've been studies. I mean, all the studies on gratitude, bet this out too, because when you're looking for things to appreciate the lens that you're viewing each other changes. I tell her very often, I appreciate the things that she does. And I'm just trying to, I don't know maybe it's kind of falling on deaf ears I feel like it's well that may not be her love language but imagine if you didn't yeah yeah I think it's just I don't I feel as though I don't

need to hear that I know it's probably it's almost like I feel like that's my job so it doesn't matter whether I get a thank you or not but I feel what would be more beneficial for me is hearing how I'm different as a person or what I mean to Brian as a person, not the things that I do. I see. Okay. So for you, it's about the quality of your character or how he feels about you as a human being or strengths he notices in you or things he notices about you, about your emotional health or your, that kind of thing. That makes sense to you, Brian. Do you notice things like that about her? Oh yeah. I liked her, her loyalty, her dedication to stuff. I pretty often, not enough, but I pretty often will tell her about her loyalty and like the, the strength that she has

is like her compassion for, she will be loyal to you. Like, you know, she, and she's, she's got standards and boundaries and she upholds herself in a high regard, which is great. I think it's awesome. She matters and she wants people to know that she matters. And I think it's awesome. I think it's really fantastic do you tell her in the moment when you notice her doing something like that or I would probably definitely have to I should probably do that in a moment more because then she'll maybe feel that I understand that love language coming across better yeah and it sounds like part of it is also feeling like you are especially with someone who's had trauma but even just, I find for women in general who are in more of a feminine position, they're not

providing, they're not hustling. I mean, not that you're not hustling. I know you're hustling with everything else you're doing, Stacey, but I mean, hustling out in the male world and, and also with this, you know, a lot of what's come up for her and what she's been sharing, even in our time together has been around wanting to feel like you have her back, wanting to feel like her opinion matters, wanting to feel like she's being taken into consideration and being cherished and seen and that kind of thing. And that is all real, what we call divine feminine energy, right? She's wanting to be in her feminine and that's what makes her feel safe. Only safe if she's in her feminine. And I think you want her to be in her feminine as well, because you get resentful

and shut down when she gets too, and her masculine, right? I mean, we all have feminine and masculine within us, but I would say that the two of you are more of a couple where the guy is more in his masculine and the woman is more in her feminine, or at least that's where you both wanna be. And it doesn't work so well for you when you're not, right? And so when she gets critical and controlling,

she's now moving into her even unhealthy masculine, right? I mean, that's what we would call the unhealthy masculine. And then you move into your unhealthy feminine, which is more receding, suppressing, resenting, shutting down kind of thing, right? And so what we want is to reverse that pattern. And what allows for the healthy feminine to express first and foremost is when she feels seen and cherished, but most of all, when she feels safe and multiply that by 3,000 when she has a trauma history.

even more than that when she has the kind of trauma history that Stacey has, right? Which isn't just like a whoopsie. That was a whopper many times over, right? So I think that's why this stuff around having her back is so important. Because if you're her healthy masculine caveman, I don't mean her unhealthy masculine caveman who's dragging around by the hair and telling her to put dinner on the table, but I mean the healthy masculine caveman who's like, don't F with my woman. Like, this is my woman. This is my, I am not going to let anyone hurt her. I'm not going to let anyone besmirch her reputation. I'm not going to let anyone do her wrong. That makes her feel safe and protected. And when the feminine feels safe and protected,

she softens and flows and oozes all over you in a good way. Does that make sense? You said it bang on. Yeah. Does it make sense to you, Brian? Yeah, 100%. I think we came across a couple of situations like that in the past week where I had to address something to a certain guy, and then I had to address something to another person about Pickleball. But yeah, I think it makes sense, yeah.

And so did you feel that when he did that, Stacey? I did. And I even thanked him for it. I said, it was great that you took what I said and understood what I said and didn't defend that person but understood that I had a situation I didn't need you to fix it but you went and did that anyways but it was it was really nice to feel that feeling of being heard and being fought for even though I didn't ask for it so yeah yeah hey it's Dr. Laura Berman I've been a sex love and relationship therapist for over 30 years

And the main question I always get asked is, how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level, capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage, the quantum sex free course. Check it out. Let me know what you think.

so yeah that's the kind of energy we want to start cultivating between the two of you right that definitely respect and recognizing her strengths and her powers and her personality and the things that are delightful and beautiful and strong and smart about her but also really protecting her as a healthy cave, you know, a loving gender conscious caveman would do, you know, not a sexist one. And I think the same is true in reverse, Stacey, around leaning on him and asking for what you need in a loving way and giving that a lot of validation that he, for the things he is doing right. And even just a little bit, like the fact that he says, okay, I'm going to, I went and got a library card, which you just said to me, but maybe you said it

to him too. I went and got a library card. Thank you so much for doing that. That shows me, I mean, you have to be really explicit. That shows me that you're, you know, that's a sign that you're really invested and that you care that you're listening to me and you care about what I'm saying. I mean, years ago, I've been married for 23 years, but my husband's love language is definitely words of affirmation like many men and I had to really learn I even put and you may want to try this I even put reminders in my calendar that would buzz me several times a day to be like oh because I am not a good appreciation giver that's not my love language and we don't tend to love people in the way that we like to be loved it just doesn't come naturally to us

so I I would have to be like oh shit I'm supposed to give them an appreciation you know and then I'd look around for something to appreciate and appreciate them, right? Make a note to tell them later. So you can even, you can get practical about it. But I think this, if you, if we can create more of a current of loving each other and remembering your allies that, and cultivating that feeling of allyship and connection, and as an undercurrent, it makes all the work that you're doing better. And it's true with everyone and everything. If you have a business that's not going well, maybe that's struggling financially and you have a bunch of employees and you're just picking out all the things they're doing wrong that are making the situation worse

and you're angry all the time and you're resentful and you're criticizing them and pointing out the ways that they're contributing to the problem and you're never giving them any kudos or encouragement, your business is going to go under real quick, right? And you guys are sort of a microcosm of that in a relationship. You have to cultivate and encourage and cheer each other on while you are also working on these other things, or else you just forget your allies and then it all goes to crap. So it sounds like you've been working on, you've been starting to learn more about conscious loving.

Now, Brian is going to jump on the bandwagon. And you've been talking more and being a united front with the kids, which is amazing. I mean, because that usually doesn't happen naturally or easily. So that's great. Now you're going to do it, Brian, with your extended families, right? Are you ready to do that? Okay. And then with the physical affection, I know this past week has been a little tense, but

before that? Well, no, I mean, I haven't done anything. Yeah. So yeah, I, I feel like it's not as close as it was. And what, remind me what happened the last time that what was going on last time we spoke that made you feel that was different, that made you feel like you wanted to connect with him and. It's because I was reading the other book. Oh, right. You were reading the courage to heal. Yeah. No, not The Courage to Heal.

It was the other two books that was talking about reclaiming your... Reclaiming your sexuality. And you were talking, and you were, I remember now, and you were saying that it kind of hit a chord that you didn't need to be ashamed of the arousal that happened back then or of arousal in general. And so what has changed in that regard? Stop reading. Yeah, no.

it was reading the other book so because i got you all fired up about what's wrong in the relationship i was reading maybe we should step back from this bibliotherapy thing i didn't intend for it to like totally change the tone in the house completely oh my gosh thank you great that's what happened she threw a book at you and that totally because i was focusing on what we were dealing with at that moment. So thinking, you know, no, no, no, that's not the plan. The plan is the plan is for these to be layered. Right. And you are the reason that, that Brian's leaning on you more for work is because you are a spectacular multitasker. It's not like you can't focus on two things at once. Right. So, but I also think maybe in the background of that

is i feel like you know it's me doing all this work what does brian do like it's almost i think that's what is at the back at the core of it where what would make you feel like he was doing if he was reading well yes and no even if he wasn't reading like say for example he didn't want to read yeah translate make it easier which i don't mind doing but i feel like we have to do that on a regular basis yeah come to the the table say this is what i learned this is what we're working on and this is what we're practicing for this week i feel like that would mean that he's working on it as well it's not just me doing everything because then i feel it's me being the whole problem he's not the problem whatsoever it's just me do you feel that way Brian that it's just her

that's the problem I feel she does a lot of work on herself and I feel that she takes that time to do that and I feel like I feel like there's an issue there and I feel like you know that issue happened to her but I'm part of that because I'm we're in a relationship together so I have to help her uncover it. So I do feel that as much as the work that she's doing herself and all the other cloud work that I'm trying to do, all these other things, I still feel I need to come more to the table with helping her in this. But it's also about you. You're right that there is this trauma history that plays out and that makes her more prickly and more reactive and maybe needing safety even more than another woman who didn't have trauma needs it. But every single woman

would need what she's needing. So different degrees, right? First of all. And there are ways that have come up just in our little bit of time together that you've acknowledged around the ways that you maybe communicate or the ways you shut down or the ways you don't have her back to the extent that you could. Right. So this is really an important piece of the puzzle for both of you is what that book conscious loving talks about and what Stacy referred to of each of you taking your a hundred percent, because in every single relationship, even if one of you is the quote unquote catalyst or what therapists call identified patient, like the one that has the issues. You each are bringing your own 100% to the table, right? So yours, Brian, is to be a

people pleaser and to not make any waves and to have everybody like you. And so you're going to take the other point of view when she's upset with someone just to keep the peace, right? That's something that you could be working on. So it's not like she's the one with all the issues and you just need to show up to support her more and that'll make the relationship better. that is part of it, right? But it's also about both of you. A relationship is really a living laboratory for all of our wounds. That's what it is. And for me, and I've been doing this for 30 years, one of the most fascinating things to me and the reason I'm still in it is because your partner is your greatest teacher. All your shit will come out

in a relationship in a way that it won't anywhere else, all of your wounds will come out. All of your shadows. It's like your relationship and your partner is your greatest possible teacher in self-improvement and personal growth and spiritual growth and soul growth. That's what happens in relationships. And I honestly think that's kind of what they're for in a way. I mean, I know they're for procreation and companionship and all those other things, but like on a meta kind of supernatural level, I kind of feel like that's why God designed them, not just to have children, but to like catalyze, stimulate our growth if we accept the invitation. Yeah. So what that means is, and I saw you nodding when Stacey was saying, you know,

maybe I should summarize and break it down and talk it through. And you were kind of nodding. I don't know if you were nodding because you feel like that's a good idea and you would be open to that. And that sounds like something you would want to do, or you're nodding. Cause she's, you know, she feels that way. Both. Yeah. Obviously I'd like to be in the relationship. I want this to grow and I want this to work like a hundred percent. So to have that help us a hundred percent, I would love to, whether it's 20 minutes a day or one time a week, whatever it is, I would love to like even going on a date once a week. And that's our date now is very purposeful because she can share with all this

information. I can digest it and we can find out like how to move forward with it. I would love that I think it's great is he a good listener when you do that no he's distracted even if the two of you are there alone in a quiet room together he tries he tries but then and he's done it a couple times where he'll put his phone the other way or he'll have his phone on do not disturbed, but I don't know when the last time that was. Okay. Well, I would say let's start then with 30 minutes once a week. This doesn't get you off the hook of listening. I still encourage you to use your library card and listen, but just try right when you're driving around and just listen to it with just curiosity. Like you're listening to a podcast or something. You don't

have to give it all this gravitas and take notes. And you're very, you're very tenacious and proactive and industrious when you want to be. I mean, you, you got through to me. A lot of people try to get through to me. You found me, you found a way to get through to me. You made me say like, Hey, call in the show. So you can totally do this. So sure. A hundred percent. I think the podcast on the car is going to be amazing. I really want to date my wife weekly. And within that also. Yeah, I would separate it from your date. I mean, if you can, if you can, if that's the only time you have, then do it on your date. But I also want you to have this fun, playful, appreciative time together as well as growth time. In an ideal world, we keep those separate. If they

can't be kept separate, then that's fine because we don't want to give up the growth, especially when you guys really need it. But if you could just take 30 minutes and in that 30 minutes for you, Stacey, maybe you break it down, right? And you make a little summary and outline, but you keep it really simple, even just how you said it to me. And you don't like beat him up while you're doing it. Like you say it and you're reading the book. They talk in the book about how this is one of my favorite things to teach. And I believe it's in conscious loving. I think it is in there where you say what your story is, how it makes you feel when you have that story. So like the story I'm telling myself is that you don't have my back with my, our family.

And when there's something going on, you know, I'm reading about X, my story is that blah, blah, or that the two of us do this dynamic together. And what I'd want is for us to try this other way. What do you think? And then he can say, well, I think that that's not really the way it goes, but I'm open to that. Or now that you say that, yeah, or I want the same thing, but I would kind of want to do it differently. Right. So, so you get really practical. Guys are also kind of like doctors. They don't like to talk about things they can't fix. Yeah. A doctor doesn't want to hear about a symptom that he doesn't have a treatment for. That's right. That sucks. They You never ask women about their sexual problems because they don't feel like they can fix them.

So you have to kind of address things with a practical intention. Does that make sense? Yeah. Okay. So you're going to try that. You're going to listen to conscious loving, Brian. You're going to appreciate each other. Give five genuine appreciations of each other.

Ideally, once a day. You're not going to be keeping score and getting resentful if it doesn't happen. but you're going to be doing that. And then you're going to reenact the just non-sexual physical connection time, maybe on your date night, maybe some other time. Sound good? Yes. And then we'll check back in, in a couple of weeks. Yes. I know these. I just got distracted by my dog. I'm sorry. Thank you. Yes. And when you have this 30 minutes technology out of the room, phones off. All right, guys, go forth. Thank you, Dr. Laura. Thank you so much.

We really appreciate it. Take care. Have a good day. You too. No cure for crime.