Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Dating after Divorce: When Should Your New Partner Meet Your Kids?

Episode Date: July 25, 2022

On today’s “The Language of Love,” we are doing a “Bites” episode! These “Bites” are short, pithy, bite-sized takes that are based on questions listeners like you send into me. For this episode, I am talking about love after divorce. Dating after divorce can be really tricky, not only because you and your ex might still be raw and dealing with your own complicated feelings, but also because we know that our kids are watching us and being impacted by every decision we make. As parents, our love lives don’t occur in a vacuum. Our kids are being influenced by our romantic choices, and they will use our relationships as a model for their own romantic relationships when they become adults. So, it’s no wonder that so many parents get really stressed about dating after divorce or dating as a single parent in general. No wonder concerns about dating after divorce are some of the most common questions I get from clients, friends, acquaintances, and more. We all want the best for our children, especially when we are going through something traumatic like divorce. On this episode of “Bites,” you will learn: • When is the right time to start dating after divorce • How should you introduce your kids to a new partner • How can you deal with feelings of jealousy or insecurity when your ex starts dating someone new and bringing them around your kids • How to co-parent in a conscious, informed way even when going through something as difficult as divorce and shared custody • Making sure that your new partner is the right fit for your family and a safe person to bring into your family home The good news is that it is truly possible for you to find love again after divorce, and for your kids’ lives to be positively impacted by you bringing a new partner into your life who is a wonderful role model. Divorce is far from the end of your love life, even if you are a parent. Listen to this “Bites” episode to get all my best advice for dating after divorce! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick, and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Welcome to the Language of Love Bite. This bite is a bite-sized take on dating and love post-divorce when you have kids in the house. I get so many questions from you all about that and they're

all beautiful questions because they're very often framing it from like, okay, I want to be a model. I left my last relationship because I really want my kids to have a model of what a loving relationship is. And I know that if I honor my own happiness, they're going to be happy. And that's great. Obviously, I hear from a lot of individuals who are in a horrible divorce and who have all these custody issues. And that obviously makes everything with your children, including dating, a lot harder. And if you want, definitely message me on SpeakPipe or at Language of Love pod at gmail and let me know if you want to hear more about sort of raising kids in a healthy or helping them get through divorce in a healthy way because there's lots of keys to making sure

that your children not only survive but thrive we want them to thrive regardless and certainly through your divorce and there are ways to support them in doing that but let's for the purposes of this language of love bite. Focus on dating as a single parent. And by the way, you can just be a single parent. You don't have to have been divorced to be a single parent, as we all know. So as a single parent, how do you go about that? Well, first of all, I'm going to share with you there's no right or wrong way other than certainly protecting your children from anyone who might be a predator, being really careful who you bring into the house, all of that. Like I'm not here to tell you how to raise your kids, but I'm going to tell you what I have found is what I think is the

best way to do this. Not only from thinking about the child's perspective and not only having been a single mother dating for four years before I met my final husband of almost 20 years when I was a single mother of my oldest child before I met my husband. And also as a clinician who works with so many adults who were children of single parents and struggled and continue to struggle because of some of the things that the parents unwittingly and unintentionally weren't aware of or weren't sensitive to. So here's the 411, okay? First of all, don't introduce your children to anyone that they don't already know, obviously. If this person you're dating is already your neighbor, you know, they've already met them, right? But if you're bringing a new person into

your life as a love mate, right? A partner, you need to make sure first that this person is really a keeper, not just someone you think is cute or pretty or cool, or that you love dating and you want to be with them, but you have the kids. So you're just going to bring them around. No, for two reasons. One, you got to get to know everybody, especially someone who's going to be so close to and close to your kids before you introduce them. And number two, children get attached really easily. And so you don't want to create this revolving door of potential partners. And then they either keep getting attached and then wonder what happened to that person, or they eventually figure out, I'm not going to give the next person the time of day because they just

leave. And when you bring someone in who really is a keeper, they are now all guarded and unwilling to let that person in. So take your time introducing people to the kids. You should, first of all, know, I'm sorry, I'm going to say this very clearly, do a background check on them, make sure they are not on any list of sex offenders or have any criminal history that they haven't told you about. I cannot tell you the number of times disasters have happened that I have been privy to and found out about afterwards with individuals and their children who had predators look like someone you could date, someone you could live next door to, someone you could be friends with. They're not all these creepy people that you see in the movies.

So you can't assume anything. I know it's scary to think that someone you're attracted to and dating might be a predator. But before you introduce them to your kids, check. And by the way, you're going to be glad you did if they were a predator because you don't want to date them anyway. New from Nespresso. Blend wellness into your coffee routine with the Coffee Plus range, infused with functional benefits. Choose the coffee you love with added B vitamins, like Coffee Plus B12 to help support immune function and Coffee Plus B6 to keep your day moving. Or go with the flow and choose Ginseng Delight, our new double espresso with ginseng extract. Whatever lies ahead, don't change your morning. Let your morning change you.

discover coffee plus on espresso.com that's the first thing the second thing is to take time so not only do you want to make sure they're not a predator but to take time getting to know them before you introduce them to your kids no one no love interest should meet your children until you really feel like you don't have to be ready to walk down the aisle with them and get engaged in fact i've seen people do that and that's a mistake too you don't want to not introduce your kids to the person you care about and love a week before you get married or after the fact either, right? They need time to buy in, okay? And we're going to talk about the progression of the relationship with your kids in a minute. But that means you really feel like this person is a keeper.

You are really into them and they have not only said with words but with actions that they're really into you. If you are someone who wants a monogamous relationship, then you are clear that you don't want to date anyone else. And they are clear. And you both have agreed that neither one of you are going to be dating anyone else. So you're really going to give this relationship a shot. And you've gotten to know them. And of course, they know all about your kids and they want kids. They're comfortable with the step parent thing. They maybe have kids of their own. They're open to this. Right. Do not ever want to date someone who is not open to having children in their life. And by the way, that's why you should tell them on the first date that you have

kids. OK, and you don't have to say, by the way, I just want you to know I have children and I have to make sure you're OK with that. You just talk about your kids and it comes up in conversation like it would with anyone else. And you see very quickly if that person is opposed to parenting or doesn't want to be with anyone with kids or whatever. Those are few and far between. But you don't want to date that person. Right. So you find out you take your time, you do a little background check, you take your time introducing them to your kids. Now, when you introduce them to the kids, it is not with a sleepover, okay? No one is sleeping in your house while the children are there. No romantic partner is sleeping in your house while the children are there

at first, okay? In the beginning, you just introduce them in some really easy, breezy way at a playground where you and your kid are playing. This partner comes and meets you, or if they have kids, you all go on a play date together, or you do something really easy just for an hour or two so everybody can get a feel for each other and you introduce them as your good friend and you don't have PDA in front of them and you don't have sleepovers with them and you do that several times and then you have some meals together and then you spend the day together and then you have a sleepover. New from Nespresso. Blend wellness into your coffee routine with the Coffee Plus range infused with functional benefits. Choose the coffee you love with added B vitamins

like coffee plus b12 to help support immune function and coffee plus b6 to keep your day moving or go with the flow and choose ginseng delight our new double espresso with ginseng extract whatever lies ahead don't change your morning let your morning change you discover coffee plus on espresso.com if you're going to have a sleepover if you have a partner and you're sharing custody try to have your sleepovers when the kid isn't there at least for a really long time until the child really gets used to that person. Because coming and sleeping in your bed, in my parents' bed, and taking on that role of co-parent is a big connection point for the child. And it can bring a lot of things up to them. And the first time

your partner does sleep over, you make it an exciting thing. You don't say, hey, mommy, your daddy's going to get laid. You don't say it like that. But you say, hey, so-and-so's going to come. We're going to have a sleepover. And you include the child, right? You say, we're going to make popcorn and watch a movie. We're going to have a sleepover. So the child feels part of it as well. And this is also a great test of this person. Is this person someone who you already know by now because you've been in lots of situations with them with your children before they sleep over, but now you're seeing them in a new light. How are they first thing in the morning? How are they if the child wakes up in the middle of the night and needs you? You're getting lots

of information and you're moving slowly, probably much more slowly than you would if you didn't have children, but that actually is not a bad thing. Taking your time and getting to know someone before you make any major commitments to them, much less before you have sleepovers with them. If you are looking for a healthy long-term monogamous relationship, it's good to take your time, right? You want to see how that person deals with stress, deals with frustration, deals with anger, deals with boredom. These are things that come up a lot when you're a parent or a co-parent. And so you want to see how they handle all of that. Now, it's a whole other ball of wax, right? When the kids don't like your partner, we can talk about that too. Just let

me know in the comments or on languageoflovepod at Gmail or go to drlauraberman.com. It's really easy with links there. But let me know if you have struggles with blended families or with your kids rejecting your partner because that's a whole other topic. But my guess is if you move along like this and you stay positive about the child's other parent and the child doesn't feel like liking or attaching to your partner is going to somehow put their relationship with their by other parent at risk if they have that other parent then the child usually if you move slowly and consciously like this is very amenable to this especially if they don't feel like they're losing you in the process so i hope that helps you there's your little love bite and let me know if

you have any questions because all of these language of love bites come from you my followers on social media, listeners to the podcast, things you want to learn about and hear about, and I'm always here to help you. I'll see you next time. Thank you.