Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Debunking Sex Toy Myths

Episode Date: September 29, 2021

On today’s episode of “The Language of Love,” Dr. Laura Berman talks about the history of sex aids, from primitive sex toys to the invention of the first vibrator. From G-spot stimulators to dilators to penis rings, there are so many sex aids which you can use to improve your connection with yourself and your partner(s). As Dr. Berman explains, the sex aid industry has really changed in the last 2 decades: Now sex aids are female-friendly and easily found online or in cozy boutiques, rather than in scary dimly-lit rooms at truck stops. So how can you find out which sex aid is right for you? Which sex is best for single folks or for use during intercourse? Dr. Berman gives her top tips to help you shop smart when you enter the world of sex aids. Then, she talks about how you can introduce sex aids into their relationship. What should you do if your suggestion of using a sex aid offends your partner or makes them jealous? It’s not uncommon for men to feel insecure when women want to bring vibrators or sex toys into their relationship, so how can you suggest sex aids without making your man feel like he is being replaced? Dr. Berman also challenges common sex toy myths, like the idea that you can get addicted to your vibrator or that vibrators are dangerous to your genitals or sexual response. Tune into this episode of “The Language of Love” to get your FAQs about sex toys answered. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist. And for the past three decades, I've been helping people learn how to love and be loved better. That's what we're doing here on the Language of Love, where I get to answer calls and emails from people just like you. My goal with the Language of Love is to help you discover more meaningful emotional and physical intimacy and to help you build more awareness of how precious and sacred your sexuality really is. Be sure to email me or reach out with your very own love sex relationship questions, and I might just answer them live on the air. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Hello. I'm excited to talk to you guys. Anytime we're talking about sex, love and relationships,

I'm a happy camper because that's what my life has been about for most of my career. And one of the most common questions that I get asked about, and there's so many different questions that come up around this, are sexual aids, devices, sex toys. I've probably been working as a sex, love and relationship therapist and expert for over 20 years. And when I first started, you know, working in this field, sex toys were something that were really racy and really taboo and you could only get them in some weird porny shop, you know, in some seedy neighborhood in a major city or near a truck stop with blacked out windows and weird disturbing stains around and things like that. And then I would say, you know, around the late 90s to early 2000s, I saw a real shift, especially with these, you know, kind of more female friendly erotica shops. And even some of these, I think, I can't even remember the name.

I think it was like pleasure parties. That's what they were called. It was sort of Tupperware parties of sorts. But instead of Tupperware, women would get together and talk about toys. And then all of these like really cool, hip, female-friendly toy stores started popping up. And then, of course, the internet really popped in terms of internet shopping. And now you don't even need to go to a toy shop. But I remember when Good Vibes, Good Vibrations started in San Francisco, it was like revolutionary.

You know, in the mid to late 80s, it was like a big deal because it was the only kind of online or sex toy shop that was really open about it. But toys, you know, have been around since the industrial age and even before. I mean, we've all heard about the origin of the term hysteria, you know, when they used to say that a woman was hysterical or had, you know, hysteria, the cure for it was an orgasm. And the doctors would actually, that treated women with hysteria, you know, hysterectomy, it's from the Greek or the Latin root of uterus, right? It was pressure built up.

it was even known back then that it was pressure built up in the uterus. So the doctor or the hair worker would basically masturbate the woman to orgasm and then she'd feel great and all of her problems were solved. And so the doctors got so tired of doing this, you know, it's exhausting for them that one smart doctor made a machine to help him. And that was the first vibrator to help it. It was a medical device and it was designed as a medical device. And I have lots of colleagues in my field and related fields that actually have quite phenomenal antique vibrator collections, which would, which look like huge industrial machines. But the way that things have evolved, you know, certainly in our society is that they have become much more

mainstream, but there are also a lot of myths. And so I want to know what your questions are, if you have any, not only about what, you know, because there are specific toys that are the right fit, depending on your sexual goals. There are a lot of myths and concerns about the use of sex toys. Can I get addicted to them? Will it turn my partner off? Will I lose all sensation if I use one? Can I hurt myself with one? Sharing sex toys, right? There are those logistical questions. And then there is all the taboo and misinformation around what kind of toy is best. I remember when these sex shops first started opening around the country, I would hear from women all the time that their partner wanting to spice things up or maybe thinking, a male partner with a woman,

a heterosexual relationship was normally how it would go. He wasn't really happy with their sex life, it was feeling lackluster, she wasn't that into it. And then he decides, Oh, well, maybe we'll do something. Maybe if I spice it up and make it more interesting, she'll be more into it, which of course, if a woman's not into it, it's very rarely because she wants more spice. That's the way a guy would think it's usually because she's not feeling connected, or she's exhausted. But he doesn't know that he's thinking like a guy. So he goes into the sex shop. And he thinks, okay, this is going to spice things up it'll make things less boring and then she'll want to have sex with me and then he took it a step further and he said okay if I was a woman what kind of toy would I

want and so he picks out the hugest flesh-colored most realistic veiny giant peni sex toy that he can find and trots home happily thinking that this is going to be the solution to his wife or girlfriend with low libido. And of course, the opposite happens. So that's what I was seeing like early in my career. And so I started actually asking women a lot of questions. What is your goal? You know, for some women, yeah, they want more spice. For other women, they want to have just an orgasm, any orgasm, an orgasm for the first time, maybe. For others, they want to have an orgasm with a partner or during intercourse. For others, they want to explore their own body. And so depending on what her needs or wants were, I would literally I had

this I remember, I was living in LA at the time, this is probably 20 years ago. And there was this one little sex shop down in Santa Monica. And I was working, I was running the first ever women's sexual health center at UCLA, which I had launched. And I would write these women prescriptions on a little pad of paper. And I had a relationship with the woman who ran the store. And I would say, All this woman had to do was like go into the store and hand them this piece of paper and they knew what to get because I had different toys that I thought were good for different goals. I actually eventually launched my own line of toys called Berman Intimate Accessories,

but it was really designed primarily with women in mind, like not too noisy, not too realistic looking, lots of different purposes depending on what your goal was. and so it's been a real evolution in the toy market but I think we still have questions around when to use one how to use one what kind to use one and especially the role that they may or may not play in fetishes so I wanted to invite you to ask any questions you may have about any of that right or any questions about fetishes toys using toys the right time to use toys whether there's ever a right time, whatever's on your mind. You talked about the myths and the misconceptions, which is immediately where my head went, which is just the stigma that gets attached to sex

generally, but then specifically as it relates to toys and devices. And I'm sure there's a myriad of thoughts that people get in their minds. What are the most common obstacles or misconceptions that people have as it relates to using devices or sexual aids and incorporating it into our sex lives? There are a lot of common myths about sex toys. One is, can I get addicted to it or is it going to ruin my ability to reach orgasm elsewhere? And it is true that no human can compete with a machine in terms of the intensity and frequency of that vibration, right? But what the research has shown time and time again, not just the research that I've done, but others as well, is what predicts, in particular when we're talking about women, the key to her sexual

satisfaction, you know, definitely orgasm plays a role, but it's really the connection she feels with the person, whoever that person is, that she's being intimate with. And so I think a lot of partners are so first of all, for the woman herself, she's concerned she's going to get addicted. You know, you're not going to get addicted. Okay. If you can't have orgasms any other way, and this is one way you can, then yeah, you're going to continue to only, you know, for most women, especially over age 40, they need that added stimulation, that added vibration to reach orgasm because their nerves and their hormones and their blood flow is changing. So I always say to women over 40, make the vibrator your friend and don't see it as a deficit. It's an aid. Don't see it as a deficit if you need that added stimulation. If you don't need that added stimulation, but you enjoy the vibratory stimulation, then go ahead and enjoy it. If you're concerned that you're going to get too used to that, then keep both skill sets alive. Use your hands or the shower or whatever you're using sometimes and use the toy sometimes. So that's one thing. The other is around partners, either the woman being concerned that her partner is going to be intimidated, right?

And often has had the experience of a man who didn't know better, thinking, oh, God, something must be wrong with me that you need this. And so to me, that's all about the introduction. How do you introduce it into a relationship? I mean, you don't necessarily pull it out of your back pocket when you're in the middle of the bedroom in a new, you know, in a relationship, you might want to mention it ahead of time. Hey, I got this little toy. I thought it, you know, it might be fun to try. And especially if it's just for fun, bring it up beforehand is something fun to try. If it's something that you're finding you really need to get aroused and reach orgasm, then you want to share that with your partner, too. And also that research that I showed you that, you know, a vibrator can't cuddle you, talk to you about your day, connect with you emotionally. There's no way a vibrator is going to replace your partner, including in the bedroom, because of, you know, what I was talking about earlier, that the predictor for a woman's, OK, she may have an orgasm more easily if she uses a toy. but the satisfaction she feels really comes from that emotional connection she feels with the person she was using the toy with or incorporating the toy into sex with so I think that's an important piece of the puzzle too a lot of people get confused about fetishes because and fetish

wear and the reason I kind of put this in the category of aids and toys is because fetishes often involve props, like, you know, patent leather or catsuits or whips or handcuffs or ball gags or Benoit balls or things to bondage props and things like that. And it can be a great field trip to go with a partner just for fun, even to look online, much less to the store, to see what else might be available to try to explore and to play with. So it's more considered fetish play when you're just playing with those things and experimenting and role-playing. When it's considered a fetish, like diagnostically speaking,

it's because you can't get aroused without it. If you're like the millions of women out there and the people who love them whose sex lives have been negatively affected by chronic urinary tract infections, I wanted to tell you about a product line I discovered called Eucora because people don't talk about this enough. UTIs can happen due to menopause, pregnancy, so many other factors. And so many women struggle with this and go to the doctor repeatedly and then end up avoiding sex as a result. Eucora not only offers UTI relief and proactive urinary tract health supplements, but they have a whole learning center on their website

with research and information for you. So get proactive about urinary tract health with Eucora. Right now, Eucora is offering 20% off when you go to eucora.com slash love, but hurry, because it's a limited time offer. Go to eucora.com slash love and get 20% off your order. That's U-Q-O-R-A.com slash love. What advice do you have?

You just highlighted a few things. You could go online, you could go to the store together. I think that's a really important insight that you're going together. What other suggestions do you have in terms of picking out the right aids or device or toy, picking out the right ones that will do exactly what you've described, which is to enhance the sex life? I would say there's different toys for different purposes, right? So if you are someone who just wants to spice it up and like make things, you know, just do some play or explore things, you know, then there's so many options out there, costumes, props, all of that.

And whatever toy appeals to you, there are toys that you can use internally, right, for vagina or a rectum, you know, depending on where you want it and what gender you are and who you're playing with. And then there are actual specific G-spot vibrators that are kind of curved in a way that they easily reach the G-spot. Then there are clitoral stimulators, which are more specific, more focused on the outside. Then there are those combined ones that have the rabbits and the pearls and the twirls. That's not something that I would recommend for a novice. I think a lot of people go to the store or go online and they say, get me your best sex toy. And it's something with 20 buttons and bells and whistles and spins and vibrate. And it's hard to even figure out. You

have to have a PhD to even know how it works. So I think it's important to start simple if you're introducing yourself to toys and then work your way up. And there are even small vibrators and hands-free vibrators that can slide around the base of a penis or that are really small that can fit in between you and your partner. So if, for instance, you're having intercourse, you can have hands-free clitoral stimulation at the same time. And so if a woman is having a hard time reaching orgasm during intercourse, adding in a small vibrator or a hands-free vibrator that would allow for the clitoral stimulation at the same time she's having intercourse allows her to get a lot more aroused and more likely reach orgasm because most women, if they are having

orgasms during intercourse, are only having that because of some sort of clitoral stimulation at the same time. So when you think about this idea of aid for the right purpose, the right idea of what will be best used for a particular situation that you're in, and I like that you said there's different styles. When somebody doesn't have the opportunity to, I guess, test something, how do they know what's going to be right for them? Do you have a suggestion that would allow people, I mean, is it, is there a place where they can get advice? Well, I mean, I think it's about shopping around, right? So I can tell you, and I even had a questionnaire on my website. I'm not sure if it's still there for a while that would direct you to the right kind of toy. But if you're

looking to have your first orgasm ever, then I would focus on a clitoral stimulator. So like Cal Exotics is the company that makes my toys and they have all different lines of toys and everything you could ever think of. And you can play on their website forever, but there are lots of sites like this. So if you've never had an orgasm, start with something strong and simple. Like, so I can tell you, you know, from my line, although I'm certainly not the only one with options out there, I have the Aphrodite, which actually Oprah featured on her show. It sold out right away, but it's, you know, that was years ago. It's back in stock. There's the Aphrodite or the Athena, which is a small little one that actually you can

use on your own or with a partner because it's small enough to sort of easily fit in between the two of you. You still have to hold it with your hands or your partner does, but it's small and external. So that would be for someone, something like the Athena, the small one would be something that you would use if you wanted to have an orgasm during intercourse or you wanted to just explore orgasm on your own or have an orgasm for the first time. If you wanted to have a G-spot orgasm and you've never had one of those, you know, this is one of the cool part about self-stimulation and about using toys is that you learn what works for you and then you incorporate it with a partner,

right? So even with these toys, it helps to use them on your own first, just to get used to it and figure out how it all works. But a G-spot vibrator would be to have G-spot orgasms. So those are sort of like dildo type things, but they're curved. So they point toward the G spot, which is about a third of the way into the vagina on the belly button side. If you wanted to have simultaneous orgasm, you would probably try a hands-free vibrator, right? So your part, and so neither one of you needed to focus on anything else, but intercourse while you're, but you're also getting the clitoral stimulation at the same time. If you're wanting to explore fetish play or fantasies or role plays or do a little

Fifty Shades of Grey, there's all sorts of options. You can start with like a soft little whip and some furry handcuffs and blindfolds, or you could move to Benoit balls and ball gags and whatever you're into. I do want to talk about the communication piece because I think at its core, as I think about this entire topic, part of it is, or a big part of it is how we are able to understand our partner and create the type of experience that they want. How do you suggest we broach these topics that we may have some trepidation or fear of going into these conversations? What is the way that you suggest we start to have this dialogue?

How do we start the dialogue? I think it's important to, you know, we have our own agendas, right? So let's say you're the one that's wanting to explore toys or props or whatever. Why are you, right? Is it because you want to boost your response and you're struggling with that? Or is it that you just want to keep the spice alive and try something new and different and keep things interesting? So really getting clear on your purposes, first of all, and then strategizing, because with all things sexual and relationship, when you bring them up to your partner, which is really important to do, you want to bring them up in the positive, right, in a positive request rather than a complaint. And so you would say something like, well, I've been looking online or I was listening to this podcast or my friend was telling me about this. And I was, you know, looking at these toys and I was thinking that might be something really fun to try. Now, obviously you're going to have

this conversation, not in the middle of sex. You're going to do it at a time that you're not in the middle of that vulnerable situation. You're not going to just like pull something out of your back pocket, literally or figuratively talk about it beforehand. Right. And say, I was thinking this would be really fun to try. You know, I was looking online and I saw a couple of things that looked really, you know, sexy or arousing or interesting to me, but I thought maybe we could look together. Your partner may say, no, you go ahead and pick something out or okay, let's look. And that can be a lot of fun. More often than not, you learn things about your partner that you never knew that they might be into or that they wouldn't at all be into or

whatever. So now if you're doing this or wanting to explore toys because you feel like it would help your partner with their inhibitions or sexual response or boredom or whatever else, then once again, you frame it in the positive outside the bedroom, outside the sexual scenario. You know, I love being intimate with you. I love your body. I love our connection and I want to make it even better. And I know that it's not easy for you to reach orgasm during intercourse, but I was thinking we could try this, or I know that you've never reached orgasm and there's no pressure there, you know, obviously, but I was thinking that, you know, I'd read or I'd heard Dr. Bourbon talking and she says that this, you know, if you learn it on your own first,

we could actually incorporate it into our sex life together. So I was thinking that maybe if you're interested, we could find you a vibrator that would let you explore this on your own. And then if you want to bring it into sex with me, we could do that. Right. So you're always doing it in the positive outside the bedroom and, you know, more like an offering than a requirement. So let's get like a bit specific here, because I know that most women from through intercourse won't reach orgasm.

I don't, I forget the exact numbers, but I want to say, is it 70%? What is it? Only 30% of women reach orgasm through intercourse. And that's usually because they're getting some sort of simultaneous clitoral stimulation at the same time. Very, very few to no women reach vaginal orgasm only through G-spot vaginal stimulation with no simultaneous clitoral stimulation. And so the myth is, and the expectation is, and what we see in the movies is that you're shrieking with orgasmic bliss at exactly the same minute from penetration alone. And that's not, you know, that's the extreme exception, not the rule. Most women reach orgasm through means other than intercourse, what's normally thought of as foreplay or sometimes afterplay, oral stimulation, manual stimulation, vibratory stimulation, but they not necessarily from intercourse unless there's friction simultaneously

against the clitoris, which depending on your position can always be provided or provided consistently or depending how long your partner lasts. Or I get a lot of complaints from women as soon as she starts grinding on him for the clitoral stimulation, he gets too excited and reaches orgasm and then it's over, right? So there are all these reasons why bringing in external vibratory stimulation for the clitoris during intercourse really helps with those simultaneous orgasms. Don't you wish you could just hit skip on the worst parts of your life? You know, the same way you can skip an ad. I get it.

I'm Siaya, and I live in Ice Cove. I've made some questionable decisions that didn't end up the way I planned. And today, I'm still figuring it out. Somehow, things usually get worse before they get better. Apparently, that's how I roll. So bundle up and come along for the bumpy ride. Stream a new episode of North of North Tuesdays on CBC Gem. what other suggestions do you have to make sure that couple is being proactive about figuring out

what's going to be best for them because everyone's different and everyone has a unique thing that meets their desire and also their physiology they're more likely to reach climax if it's approached a certain way what else can can couples be doing proactively to have that conversation outside of the bedroom? Well, what's always interesting to me, I was just talking to a girlfriend about this, who's from another country and she's from a European country and she's very orgasmic, always has been, you know, it's never been a problem for her. And she was, she's been living in the States for a while. And she was saying to me how surprised she was at how few people find it easy to have orgasms and they don't even talk about it. Right. And, and I thought that

was interesting, because she's like, I didn't realize I was the exception, not the rule. And I'd be curious, you know, in her own country, if she's the exception, not the rule, maybe it just has to do with Americans and our puritan more puritanical beliefs around our bodies and sexuality. But I do think we're not raised, especially girls to kind of explore our bodies and understand our sexuality and how our sexual response works, we sort of just think, okay, if I'm with, I can't tell you how many times I've heard from an orgasmic women. If I'm just with the right partner, then I'll have an orgasm. And I'm like, honey, no, like you got to figure, I mean, maybe dream on, but like, you've got to figure this out for yourself. And so few women

have figured out how to give themselves orgasms. So it's really hard for them to be with a man and have an, or a woman or anyone and have an orgasm because they don't know how to do it for themselves. And I remember years ago when I was, you know, when the Oprah show was still on and I was her sex, love and relationship person, we did a show. There was a couple of shows we did on sex education and kids. And one of them was the topic was stimulated or launched because a viewer wrote in because her daughter, her 10-year-old daughter was asking what sex was and she couldn't bring herself to talk to her about it. And then it became this whole show about talking to your kids about sex. And boy, did I get backlash. Not because I told this nine-year-old to do this,

I did not. But as we were talking about, as Oprah and I were talking about sex education and your kids, I did say that I felt like it was a valuable thing to get your teenage daughter, 14, 15, 16, a little external vibrator, like to teach her about using her hands, but also to introduce her to a vibe, a small little vibrator external to normalize self-stimulation because for two reasons, one, because every woman should feel comfortable with her genitals should feel comfortable with self-stimulation, should know what turns her on, should know what works for her sexually. But also because so often, I would say the latest statistics are 80% of the time for women, while their first sexual experience may not have been forced, it was not exactly

wanted. It just felt so good. They didn't really know it was happening. They weren't familiar with their own sexual response. They just sort of thought it was the guy or the girl or whoever they were with. And then it becomes about the other person rather than owning her own sexuality and having her own relationship with her sexuality. And also, if she knows how to turn herself on, how to give herself an orgasm, she understands what's happening. She can set boundaries more successfully. And the next time she goes out on a date or out with a bunch of words, making out with someone and it feels good, she can go home and take care of herself. She knows how that works. She knows how to do that. Now, Oprah completely agreed with me. She completely got what I was

saying and agreed with me. But Gail, who was on the show as well, did not. And she got really pissed and made a big stink about it. And Oprah had to defend me. And then I got all these. And I still sometimes get emails from people about it because it really got people up their panties in a wad, no pun intended, since we were talking about vibrators. But I do think like, why shouldn't girls have that normalized? And then there was just this, she wasn't talking about vibrators, but there was just this teacher at a private school in New York City who was forced to resign because she showed first and second graders a movie about development and adolescence, and it was age appropriate. But this one little boy, like a cartoon or a little boy in the movie

said, sometimes my penis gets hard. Why is that? And it feels good to touch. And the movie says, well, that's an erection. It's when the blood flow comes in. It's very normal. And it's also normal and feels good to touch yourself. And sometimes girls like to touch themselves, too. That's all they said. And again, they said, and those are your private parts. Only you should be touching them and you should be doing it in private. To me, that's completely age appropriate and completely normalizing sexuality, empowering kids to protect their own bodies, to understand good touch, bad touch, to normalize self-stimulation, which is normal for them anyway, until they're shamed out of it. But this poor woman got attacked and had to resign,

which really pissed me off yeah it makes perfect sense why it would because what you're advocating for is for women especially to start to understand their own body start to understand what feels good and to your point it starts there it starts with you as a human being knowing how to give yourself pleasure and and feel what it feels like to reach a certain level and and we've we had this conversation in one of the previous episodes men for whatever reason seem to figure this out easier at least more your stuff is out there more frequently right i remember that with my little boys you know in the bathtub they would be taking a bath and they're playing with their little floaty toys and their little teeny penis is floating and they're playing and they accidentally grab

their penis and it's hilarious the first time they do it because there's this look of shock but then they start and also when you're changing their diaper they play with it they're always playing with it it's this little thing hanging out there but they rather quickly learn that it feels good to play with and so boys do on average learn earlier naturally how to self-stimulate than girls, but both boys and girls self-stimulate. It's just that the parents slap their hands away or say, no, don't do that. That's bad. That's dirty. You know, rather than saying, okay, my kids, you know, masturbating themselves in the back seat as I drive to put themselves to sleep, who cares, you know? And then as they get older, you know, three, four, you say, oh yeah, I know

that feels good, but those are your private parts. So that's something you do in private, not, you know, when company is over in the living room with them, that's something you can go to your own room. I used, my kids would say that to me when they let her, I'm going to go to my room and touch my penis now. So they would march off to their rooms and play with their penises. And there's nothing wrong with that. And I think we're a lot more normal about that with boys than we are with girls. How can we bridge the gap to make women feel more comfortable? So what can men be doing proactively? And what could women be doing proactively to start to have that conversation? What I see happen most commonly among men and women in heterosexual relationships, let's just say, is that she has difficulty responding or reaching orgasm, either always from the beginning or because of menopause or postpartum or any number of reasons, medication she's taking.

and she and then he says well what can i do to make you feel good and she's like i don't know i don't know it's always like i don't know and i would say at least 80 of the time she really doesn't know because she has never explored it for herself she has been with person after person some people have been more attuned and understand a woman's body other than more than others but each time she has put her pleasure in the hands literally and figuratively of someone else And I can tell you, I've met hundreds, if not thousands of men who have been with 10s, 20s, hundreds of women. And unless they have been with a woman who has shown them what to do in general, I don't mean any unusual things she has, but just in general, how, you know, to stimulate a clitoris, where the clitoris is, where the G's are. unless he's been with someone who's sort of walked him through it he still doesn't know and it's made worse by the fact that 70 of women fake orgasm so you know i can't tell you how many

guys have sat in my office complaining because their partner doesn't reach orgasm and she's sitting there and he's like well i've been with no other woman has ever complained you know and i'm thinking to myself that's because none of them have ever said anything and they've either either been faking, which way too often women do. That's a pet peeve of mine, not only because it's giving credit where credit isn't due and it's shortchanging yourself, but you're not doing yourself any favors or the women that may come after you any favors. And so very often I find that women have difficulty reaching orgasm. Their partner says, what can I do? She says, I don't know. You're just supposed to know what to do. Well, that's not fair, right? First of all,

because she's supposed to, each of you have to take responsibility for your own sexual response. But secondly, because every woman and just like every man and everyone is a little bit different. So she has to figure it out on her own. And I do this so often in my practice, women of all ages who can't reach orgasm, we go back to basics. You are going to learn about your, you're going to sit there with a mirror and look at all the different parts of your genitals. You're going to find your labia your clitoris your urethra your vaginal opening the whole thing you're going to practice self-stimulation you're going to use a toy or not use a toy whatever you want and you're going to figure out how to get yourself there and then you're going to teach your partner and if necessary

you know you're going to have to get comfortable and maybe get some assistance getting comfortable using that language i've had women you know where you you figure it out on your own and then you take your partner's hand and you move it the way that you would normally move it, right? Or you put their hand on top of yours or on top of the toy or whatever it is. There are ways to teach your partner, but not until you figure it out for yourself. Thank you, Dr. Laura. And so I lost my husband suddenly five years ago. My real question here is this. My husband of 14 years, we had a regular sex life, but it wasn't like this, you know, thing that I have now, you know, And it's like being in a, you know, when I'm in a relationship, just this really open and feeling just so sexy and so erotic and being able to do different things.

But because when you're in a long-term relationship and maybe you didn't start that way, how do you introduce it at that point where suddenly it is so awkward once you've been in that same situation for so many years or for a long time to all of a sudden go, okay, let's all of a sudden open up and do all this. And then you have to admit, I've been faking it all this time or I really realized that I'm, do you see what I'm saying? So that's the question. Yeah. I mean, that's one reason I tell women not to fake. I call it the mercy fake because he's trying so hard and you know you're not going to get there and you want to make him feel good and you're ready to go to sleep. So you just fake it. And then he's all pleased with himself and you're left feeling lame. And then if you if and when you do finally want to bring it up, then he feels totally embarrassed and bamboozled is like, wow, like you were such a good liar. What else have you lied about? And then you have to, like, get the trust rebuilt before you can even address the orgasmic issue. And I think this whole idea of I hear time and time again, and I found this to be true for myself, too, when I was single, I just had my 19th wedding anniversary. So this was over 20 years ago. But when I was single over 20 years ago, after my first marriage, I was single for about four years. And, you know, every not only for me, but everyone I've met who's gone through a breakup, especially later in life or a divorce, you know, they're like, woohoo, redefining themselves sexually.

And part of that, I think, is the age that a woman in her 20s is not even though she's hot as hell. Right. And she can have more orgasms more easily than maybe a woman in her 40s or 50s. She she ironically has less personal confidence than a woman who has really lived, has decided she doesn't really give a crap what anyone else thinks about her. she's old enough now to have realized that no one's really thinking about her anyway. You know, nobody really cares. And she can do and say what she wants. And she's unapologetic, and she's more comfortable in her own skin. And so that lends itself to advocating for yourself sexually. But it is also true that when you've been in a long relationship with someone, you kind of get into these roles, and it's more awkward to change or it's more, it feels more threatening or scary or uncomfortable to change or shift those roles than to just start from scratch like you do with a brand new person where you can be anything you

want to be including this wild sexual vixen that in order for you to be in your last relationship even if your partner would have jumped for joy it's still kind of cringy because they know you this different way yeah exactly that's that's you nailed it and so how do you do that i mean it's that safety of feeling like you're going to be rejected and yeah and you know um so totally but uh yeah i totally encourage that you know one of the things that you know it's for those maybe who are feeling like that how do they get that that vixen out of them i mean i've talked to a few friends about this is that if you start to feel sexy even it doesn't matter your weight and what you think is is that you'll start to feel better when you like get rid of those that old

panties you know like buying nice things and wear them around the house you know wear them to bed even if you're living alone. I mean, it's just so nice to walk around. You start to see yourself in the mirror and you start to see and feel sexy and feel better about yourself. And then that confidence starts to build, right? I do think that, I mean, I've been, I've been dealing with a lot of my own weight gain lately. And, you know, over the past year, not only because of COVID, but because of major traumas in my life and my body has changed and my physical confidence has changed. And I've been, you know, I've worked with women with body image, my whole career, of course. And it's not like I've been this aspirational size to my whole life. I mean,

my weight has always fluctuated. And, you know, I was raised by a mother who lived on Dexatrim and Diet Coke and said constantly a little anorexia never hurt anybody. So there was a lot of body shaming. I've always yo-yoed with my weight. But I would say it's only been in recent years and this recent kind of journey I've started around weight loss that I'm approaching it really differently, because I'm looking around, like, there's so much shame. And it's not the shame that our partner puts on us 99% of the time, unless we're with a real asshole, forgive me. But mostly, it's the shame we put on ourselves, our partners still, you know, barely notices the extra 10 pounds we put on, you know, we notice it, and we're self conscious. And so I do think

And it's because of these unrealistic ideals. I was just reading that Norway has just put a law in place that influencers are not allowed to use photo filters anymore. And they were showing these different influencers what the real pictures looked of them in their bikinis versus all the pictures they post. And they are, you know, they look like me when they aren't all airbrushed up. And I do think that we are our worst body image and confidence killers, more than our friends, more than our community, more than our partners. And if we could just embrace ourselves and recognize that whatever ideal we think we're trying to meet, it doesn't exist, even in those that are meeting the ideal, unless they are starving themselves and devoting their lives to working out 24-7, which I don't think any of us should do unless we absolutely love it, you know, and granted, a few people love it, but most of us don't, you know, why are we doing that to ourselves? So I think it's true that there is a fake it till you make it in that wear those sexy underwear under your work clothes or to the grocery store, dance around naked, get in touch with your senses and your sensuality, learn to self-stimulate and enjoy your own body, but also make a commitment to just love yourself exactly as you are. Because if you ever see those women, and I hear this from people all the time, they'll

look at a woman who does not meet those unrealistic ideals. Maybe she's 20 or 30 pounds heavier than, you know, what the people that we see in all those perfect pictures are. Maybe she doesn't have, you know, she has some wrinkles or some sags. She's not like your ideal beauty. And yet she is always with a gorgeous partner. She always has them falling at her feet. She's always, You know, and it's because of her own personal, internal and sexual confidence. There is nothing more attractive than that. And especially if you're talking about men, because men, while visual creatures, they do not notice that extra little piece of cellulite or flab that you're obsessing over every time you look in the mirror. unless you're incessantly pointing it out to him then he'll notice but if you're not constantly pointing it out and complaining about it he doesn't even notice if you want to see what a guy sees naked when you're naked stand naked in front of a mirror and blur your eyes out so that you're

just seeing the whole silhouette and the curves and the breasts and the ass that's what they're noticing they aren't noticing that extra little fluffy bulge under your belly button or wherever it is, or under your butt that you think makes you completely undesirable. They don't notice those things. We do that to ourselves. I have one question, which is more from a man's perspective or point of view, because we often think when we think of toys, we think of the staples, right? We think of the vibrator, the dildo, those things that conceptually are more meant to help women. What about from a guy's perspective? What are some of the things that maybe, even for self-stimulation that a guy could be thinking about? I would love to get your insights

there. Well, certainly any kind of prostate stimulator. So if he's into any kind of anal stimulation, there are anal beads or Benoit balls or that kind of thing. There are also the whole family of, you know, fleshlights is sort of the standard brand, right? That you kind of can make into provide friction to the penis. So it looks almost like, you know, those little toys that were plastic that were filled with water and little glitter and fish, and you could kind of roll them up and down. It's like that, but your penis fits in the middle of it. And they usually have the opening look like a mouth. Obviously they're sex dolls and things like that. But I do find, you know, men like toys, especially for the anal pleasuring part, if they enjoy that.

And the prostate is considered analogous to the woman's G-spot. So a lot of heterosexual men enjoy prostate stimulation as well as bi and gay men. So most of the toys will focus on that, things, dildos, balls, beads to stimulate the prostate. Although I will say my kids, I did have a flashlight in my line for a while and my kids, and then it went, you know, it was mostly women buying the toys. So it went out of production. But my kids kept asking me for one. And I said, my boys, when they were teenagers, and I said, I will get you one as long as you use fantasy as well as porn. Because my whole thing with them is not to depend on porn as their form of sexual stimulation, especially at this age, because, you know, they're showing that it kind of changes the brain a little bit with younger men, especially in terms of what turns them on. And then it can be hard when they're actually with a real person.

Of course, they didn't know what I meant by fantasy, which was a little disconcerting. They were like, fantasy, what? And I was like, you know, your imagination, not having a spoon fed to you on Pornhub. And they were like, oh, what's that? So it led to an interesting conversation. But there are those sorts of things for guys. Yes. Do you have a suggestion on, I guess, percentage of how much somebody should be using porn versus imagination or visualization?

Do you have a suggestion there? Anecdotally, I mean, no one's done an actual study on this, but I would say, you know, you want to keep it at 50-50. Imagination to spoon feeding. And, you know, if you think about it, this is a more, a very modern thing happening until I would say five years ago. Most young men, especially, but really any men, you only had access to porn if you joined some really creepy website that could track you. And even then they were very rudimentary or you went to a sex toy shop or you rented a porn film from Blockbuster 10, 15, 20 years ago or whatever. But I would say over the past five to 10 years with streaming capabilities online getting so profound and Pornhub's invention and even over the pandemic, Pornhub made everything free. So it really exponentially increased. And so this is a relatively recent thing that we're seeing, but we're definitely seeing it. And I also see so many men who, if they're with a partner who maybe they're not getting along so well with or it takes a long time for her to reach orgasm and he's really tired or stressed, he would rather go on Pornhub and rub himself this way, that way, and the other way that he knows works, bada boom, bada bing, and go to sleep than actually have sex with a partner.

So it's not just that his synapses in his brain are responding differently, but the desire to actually put an effort into a sexual exchange starts to shift as well, which is a little concerning. My question is, in addition to it feeling good, is there any real evidence that anal play for men helps with prostate health? There's no evidence that anal play helps with prostate health. There is a lot of evidence that regular ejaculation helps with prostate health because what's happening when a man ejaculates is the ejaculate is a combination of sperm, fluid from the prostate, fluid from the seminal vesicles. But in order to contribute that fluid to the semen, the ejaculate, the prostate is contracting and squeezing. And so every time he ejaculates, his prostate is releasing its fluid. And there has been correlated evidence to show that men who ejaculate, you know, three times a week have healthier prostates in the long run than men who don't have that. I mean, they frame it as men who have sex three times a week, but really, you don't have to have a sexual partner to ejaculate. But the act of ejaculation keeps your prostate in good shape, not really anal play. Anal play is great too, although it also has the flip side where you can end up, you know, because there is no natural lubricant in the anus or in the rectum, and because there are a lot of sphincter muscles and other pelvic floor muscles can get a little bit stretched out.

We do see when there's rigorous or, you know, repeated rigorous anal play that sometimes people get injuries. And because there's no natural lubricant, if you're not using lubricant, obviously, or even if you are, you can contract STDs, including HIV, more easily because the more lubrication you have, the less little tiny tears or fissures there are in the skin, which are entry points for HIV. So there are actually some risks. I'm not saying that's a reason never to do anal play, but there are some risks of anal play. But the benefits really come just from ejaculation in general. Well, that's good to know. Thank you very much. you are very welcome. What I would say is this, that certainly toys, devices, aids, whatever you want to call them, are not the end-all be-all of your sexual response. But they are such a great way to explore your sexuality, to learn about your sexual response, to facilitate your sexual response, to alleviate any sexual side effects, postpartum,

with medications, with diabetes, with heart disease. Anytime you're having difficulty sexually responding, low sensation, difficulty getting aroused, difficulty reaching orgasm, or even if you just wanna learn more about your body, don't be afraid to explore these options because they are available to us to enhance and improve our sexual response.

And they're not for everyone, but they certainly can be fun to try. Thank you so much. for joining me on this episode of Language of Love. I love all these questions from you. And you remember that you can keep them coming. You just go to drlauraberman.com right there on the homepage.

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