Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Do Women Really Want a Good Guy?

Episode Date: July 22, 2024

Why does it seem like the nice guys finish last? Women say they want one, but they always seem to go for the bad boy in the end.  In this Language of Love Bite, I uncover the truth about why women often find themselves captivated by the so-called "jerks," leaving nice guys in the dust and overlooked in favor of these "bad boys." It's not about advocating for guys to mistreat women, but rather understanding the complexities of attraction. I am exploring: The complex interplay of psychological and emotional factors in relationships Women's past trauma and its impact on relationship preferences The discrepancy between women's stated desires and their actual attraction Women's self-worth and self-esteem affecting their acceptance of love and kindness Guidance for nice guys to assert their opinions, desires, and boundaries in relationships If you're ready to elevate your love life, check out my website, the Seven Days To Better Sex Life and Quantum Sex for game-changing insights. Don't miss out on unlocking your full potential! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick, and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Do women really want a nice guy? I get asked that by nice guys all the time because every woman says I want a nice guy. I'm just looking for a nice guy. I wish I had a nice guy. And then all the

nice guys are like, wait a second. She's been saying that she wants a nice guy, but I keep getting dumped and she goes for the bad boy again and again and again. So I wanted to spend some time explaining to you what women are really looking for when they say they want a nice guy and why they may be shafting the nice guys they find and going back to the bad boy. Okay. So first I'm going to tell you what's going on with the women, but stay tuned because I'm also going to tell you what's going on with the nice guys sometimes and that a guy can change. You can't control what's going on with her, but there are some things you can do as a nice guy that will make you much more desirable to the women who want one. So as far as the things you cannot control,

but will explain what's going on, usually when a woman wants a nice guy, but can't really tolerate it, or she does for a while, but she ends up dumping him and going back to the jerk or going to a new jerk. It really has to do with her own self-worth and or her trauma, right? So if she has a trauma bond with abusers, meaning that she was raised by a narcissist or an abuser or an addict, and she hasn't gotten treatment or resolved or healing for that, then she is going to be engaging again and again in what therapists call repetition compulsion, where we keep trying to get it right. So intellectually, we don't want a bad boy or someone who's going to treat us badly or someone who's not going to show up for us, but that feels familiar to us. And it's also really

tempting because unconsciously we're thinking, oh, this time I'm going to change him. This time I'll be so lovable that he'll actually change his ways for me, which of course never happens. and then that just makes it worse and makes the trauma worse and that's the cycle that i see so many women in so if she's someone who hasn't done enough healing and had a lot of abuse or poor treatment in her history especially by men then when you treat her well that is going to feel really uncomfortable to her as much as she intellectually wants it and wants it in her heart She can't really tolerate it. It feels uncomfortable because she hasn't done enough healing. The other related reason is for women who have really low self-worth, really low self-esteem

who say, okay, I've been treated again and again and again so badly. I just want a nice guy. And then when they have the nice guy, dump him. It's because she actually really wants a nice guy, but she doesn't think she deserves it. And once again, this isn't completely conscious. all she's aware of is like, I thought I wanted this, but I'm kind of grossed out. I don't know why I've got the ick and I don't know why. So what is really going on for these kinds of women is that they are grossed out because if someone is that into me, if someone thinks I deserve such wonderful treatment, if someone's going to treat me so well, there must be something wrong with them because I don't deserve that. I'm not good enough for that. So, ew, he must be a loser

if he's that into me, right? That does not mean you're a loser. That means she feels like a loser. And so if you're that into her, there must be something wrong with you. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love, and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level, capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams and how to connect on an even deeper level

sexually with your partner just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the home page the quantum sex free course check it out let me know what you think now as i said earlier you're not going to be able to change that there's nothing you can do i mean you can encourage her to get help if she's open to that but there's nothing you can do differently that would ever change that with a woman who wants a nice guy but is too damaged to really enjoy a nice guy. She's got to be willing to do her own healing work, okay? But what can you do as the nice guy differently to up your chances? So here's the thing. I find that most nice guys are indeed really nice, but the way that they've learned to operate in relationships is kind of

this misguided belief that the way that I show respect and kindness and appreciation is by just giving her all the power. Whatever you want, honey. Where are we going to go for dinner? It's your decision, baby. Your wish is my command. What are we going to do tonight? Whatever you want. How should we handle this crisis? You tell me. I'm there for you. Okay? You would think as a guy, like, what woman wouldn't want that? Now, what we want is someone who has their own opinions, who has their own power, who has their own boundaries of how they require they are treated, but who sees us as equal to them, who sees us as a treasure, and who has no desire to criticize and control us,

and who's dependable and loyal. that's what a nice guy is. So when she says, what should we do tonight? You can say, well, I would love to X, Y, Z, and you can even add in. But if you have a different opinion, I'm open to it. Maybe we can combine or maybe we can do something, you know, not just giving your desires away to her, but you have an opinion. You have an opinion of what you want to eat. You have opinions about how you want to handle things. You have preferences of your own. It's not all about her where you're just this blank slate there to please her because she wants to feel like

not only do you have your own opinions and ideas, but that you can contain her, right? So when we're talking about masculine and feminine energy, if a woman really wants a nice guy, but really wants to be in her feminine, which most women do, she wants to feel like he's going to honor and respect her and not going to control her,

but that he can protect her, that he can handle it, that he's not just looking to her for direction. He has his own direction and he can direct and he can take charge, not take control away from her unless she wants him to in a particular situation, sexually or otherwise, but he can take charge and he does unless she tells him otherwise or unless she asks him otherwise. That's what a nice guy does who keeps the girl, right? The nice guys who again and again get left are either choosing really damaged women or don't have enough of their own character preferences and confidence and boundaries that they're just

wishy-washy. And then that tends to gross a woman out. She doesn't feel the masculine energy in that. So there you go. A little guidance because God bless you, nice guy. We need more of you in the world. And there's no reason you shouldn't have all the love in the world. You deserve it. If you like this episode, make sure to follow and also make sure to let me know if there are other topics you want to hear about because I'm here always ready to help you learn to love and be loved better. Roll me a prescription, but there's no cure for cry...